Ughh...

Just added another feather in my cap.

Treasury.... Damnit! I cannot swear! I so badly want to. *will do it in my heart*


I hate you, treasury! You Godforsaken thing. What have I done to you to earn this? Arghh.

Happy feet

I met another girl. And, this time it was not in the restroom (which is where I usually get to meet female staff at the client) *smiles* Don't ask me why. I'm just very reserved (read, unsocial) and I've mentioned/hinted this a gazillion times already.

"You really have very pretty feet..."

*I wish I could have burst into laughter at that lady, but I didn't- I'm so mannered and all, you know. Etiquettes don't allow me such liberties so, I smiled and said*  

"You like my feet..."

"Yes, the other day, while you were offering prayers I noticed them and was mentioning it to my friend that this girl has really nice feet..."

"Oh thank you. *you should really hear what I said next* But, I don't like them much..."

"Oh? *shocked* You don't like them, why?"

*Meri marzi bhaee, mere pair hain!*

"When I was a kid, my feet were a little out of proportion, bigger than should have been; so, my cousins used to tease me and since then I don't like them much. Although, they look fine now."

*But, the lady was insistent- must be nice then* *grins*

Yaar, speaking on an overall basis, mein zaroorat se kuch zyada he grounded hon! Tsk. Tsk. Meri jaga koi aur hota tou phir tou bas... Al-Amaan Al-Hafeez. Sighs. Afsoos, sad afsoos.

*grins*

P.S. Yes, Yes. My titles are getting weird. I'm out of stock.

Haha. You know me. I know.

While munching French fries, when I replied with a busy 'hmm' on being asked if they were good, I heard:

"You know, I just know... When you say 'HMM', matlab kuch zaroor GARBAR hai. And, when you say 'KHAIR', matlab ab tou BILKUL BHI KHAIR NAHIN!"

On hearing this, I replied:

With a fit of laughter (Especially, the 'khair' wala part made me want to roll off my seat laughing).

P.S. Nevertheless, this time I said 'hmm' because I was busy- and starving. *smiles*

I like the sound of silence. A little too much, I guess.

It's easier being sad. Happiness takes too much effort.

I'm so out of titles.

Z. bought me turtles three days ago. It was a surprise gift. My first surprise gift ever, I reckon. Um yeah, the first, as far as I remember.

I went to the hospital directly after work as ammi loog went to see F. and so, I had to pick them. I was so freakin' tired but as soon as I entered the room the weariness started to dim out. *smiles* Anyways, just as I entered, Annieo, B and R were leaving. F was better. S (my sister) had also come to see F. right from her uni. so was pretty tired herself. She asked ammi to leave and as we were about to leave F asked me to stay as I hadn't really got a chance to have a chit chat with her. I was a little apprehensive if ammi would allow me to stay back (for apparent reasons- or not so apparent, may be- may be it's just me- chor ki daari mein tinka, I guess :p). So anyways, I asked and ammi agreed. Just like that.

Then, it was just me, F and Z. Had a good time. Dr. H is funny and an acha insaan. Half my khaandaan goes to him. And while, he was cracking jokes on F, he looked at me for secondment, he did a double take and uttered, 'Oh yeh tou apni hai!'  *smiles* Doctors should have good humour. Z is awesomely humourous too but, Z isn't a doc. Uh well, not for humans (or even animals) at least. While we were at the hospital, S. called Z on the cell and said something which worried Z. Z didn't tell me what was up.

Ami had asked Z to drop me off once Aunta arrived. And, she got there pretty late. Once, she got there we took off. On the way, Z told me that Z has bought a pair of turtles for me but I was also told that one of them was dead already (that's what the call was about). I didn't know how t react. I was ecstatic but my glee wasn't reciprocated 'cause Z was sad about one of the turtles. I was sad too but, I was a bit too overwhelmed to be 'totally' sad. I had been looking for turtles since quite a few months. Had asked BJ. to get them for me but, he was too confused about which kind did I want. So, he wanted me to go to Empress Market with him which was so out of question, lol.

Z and I named him 'Aslan' after the Lion from Narnia. *grins* S. suggested 'Toofaan', lol. Ammi suggested 'Napoleon'. And, I was thinking of naming him after one of the Ninja Turtles, Michelangelo, perhaps. (I'm wearing a Ninja Turtles's sweat shirt right now ;) ) But for now, he's 'Aslan'. What do you think?

He's a baby and hence, so smaaaaalll. And, soo cute. I don't have a proper home for him yet because, it was a surprise and I wasn't a bit prepared. Therefore, I have made a temporary dwelling for him- in a tub. *smiles*

Z is so cute. This was the most awesome-est gift I ever received. Honest.

I asked Z to bring Eeman, Aminah and Hamza to see Aslan, today and they came. Hamza didn't come, though. The badmaash was asleep.

Um, what else? *smiles*

'Little girl... in her fairy tale world', that was my senior supervisor. Why did he say that, I have no clue. I wish I had replied him by saying, 'And since when did fairy tales started having audit firms in them, huh?' I told you, I wasn't job material. I'm so devastatingly pampered, I feel very vulnerable at times. However, a pleasant surprise is the fact that I have been pampered at work as well. Till date, at least. I find everybody so concerned about me and my problems, which feels really... nice. *smiles* Alhamdolillah.

Can I tell you something? Promise me, you won't throw stuff at me? Remember, how I bakwasified about being confused and indecisive and then later, about not taking up the contract and just completing the internship? Well.... I... I took the contract. (But, I don't plan to stay for three years). Uh, don't say anything. Please. I'm the most confused and the pagal-est person on this green blue earth, I know.

Papa is coming home. On monday, InshaAllah. Yayy!!

Umm.... There were actually other things that I wanted to write about too but, I don't remember any more. Uff! My memory is horrible, with a capital 'H'!

You are an alligator. Oh no. Don't thank me. Thank God.

Fridayyyyyyyyy (with no working on saturday)! Sighs. Was looking forward to a long weekend but the holiday on monday has been withdrawn. Anyways, aome breathing space, finally. I wish to take real long, deep breaths and suck in all the air around me.....

And then..... I shall be in a vaccum. (Okay, that was very weird and abrupt- weirdly abrupt or abruptly weird, you tell?).

Okay. Whatever. See you later- alligator!

"Do you know, you are just like a small little girl! Living in her fairy tale world."

That's not true. And, why would someone say that- right out of no where.

If someone says this to you, is this supposed to make you angry? Is this even remotely supposed to fill your eyes up with hot salty water?

Why was I so angry then?

And what is it supposed to mean, by the way?

Sighs. Forget it.

'night.















Am I living a fantasy? Am I living in a fantasy? Or, am I, a living fantasy?

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain...

Hawa'ain gumsum, har soo andhera

Haye woh shaam-e-ghareeba'n

Jalti zameen per tifl pareshan-o-hirasa'n

Raawi bayan karta hai you'n gham ka majra...

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Paray hain raiti pe chand laashay

Jo apna gham aap utha rahay hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Shikasta hathyaar kuch paray hain

Yeh loog shayad yahan laray hain

Laray tou woh honge jo baray hain

Nazar tou bachay bhi arahe hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Harrum pe kya guzri baad inke

Nahin zaroorat ke koi poochey

Jalay howey jo paray hain khaimay

Woh inka lut'na bata rahe hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Yeh loog hain kaun khandaa'n ke

Jo koi poochey tou kis se poochey

Musafir atay hain jo idher se

Woh raah qatra ke ja rahe hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Na koi murdon pe rooney wala

Na koi zakhmon ko dhonay wala

Parinde kuch kar rahe hain naala

Darinde kuch khaak ur'ra rahe hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Paray hain maqtal mein jitne laashay

Kisi badan mein bhi sar nahin hai

Sar unke kaatay sitamgaro'n ne

Woh sar harrum ko dikha rahey hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Woh eik mastoor ya za'eefa

utha ke hathon mein chaubay khaima'n

Uthi hai dainay harrum ka peh'ra

La'een jin ko darra rahey hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Shifa'atey hashr karne waley

Kahain jo woh kar guzarne waley

Ghayoor hain yeh woh marne waley

Jo hum ko ab tak rul'a rahey hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Marsiya

Kis sher ki aamad hai ke run kaa'np raha hai

Run eik taraf, charkh-e-kohan kaa'np raha hai

Rustam ka badan zair-e-kafan kaa'np raha hai

Har qasr-e-salateen-e-zaman kaa'np raha hai

Shamsheer bakaf dekh ke Haider ke pisar ko

Jibreel larztay hain samattay howe par ko...

♣

Please, Allah sa'een, please. Please! Bahaq-e-Mohammad(saww)-o-aal-e-Mohammad(saww) ya Rab-ul-Alameen, please!

Pep-talk... gone wrong

You! You, awful little creature! I wish I could slap you so hard that you would go crying back to your mommy! Ughhh!

Yeh Bil-yaqee'n Hussain(AS) Hai

"But your exam..." *disappointed*


"Exam gaya bhaar mein!" *indifference at its peak*


"But it was your (final) exam..." *woebegone*


"Kaha na exam bhaar mein jachuka hai, aur bhaar se cheezain wapis nikalna mujhey pasand nahin!" *smiles with indifference soaring above its peak*


*bewildered*


*shrugs*

Idher udher ki baatain

*frowns*

The mausam is so ajeeeeb-o-ghareeb. Was I not feeling lazy enough already, huh? I'm wearing socks because my feet get really cold lekin no faida- socks bhi thanday hogaye hain. *makes an angry face* Right now, I want to shout out so very loudly and say, 'kya hai yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!'. I'm feeling frustrated. Aiween mein. Majlis sunne ke liye ja nahin sakte. TV per koi majlis aa nahin rahi. There's nothing to do. Aur jo hai karne ko woh mujhe karna nahin hai- study, I mean. I cannot study. *sobs* Exam hai Tuesday ko. I feel like crying. I've reached a saturation point with regards to parhai. Eik cheez parh parh ke my mind's going wacko.

Thought of adding this random photo that I just took right now. (I was trying to study, you see *smiles sheepishly*) Okay, let me describe it to you (as I've nothing better, or worse, to do). That is my highlighter, (shall I tell you how much I adore fluorescent ink/things? I like how it hurts your eyes when you stare too hard at it). With the highlighter lies the purple pointer. Purple ink is cool too. Then there is my lousy red pouch that holds my fuzool stationery these days. On top of it lies my favourite item. Fluorescent index flags! Err... I love them too much to use them. *blushes* Crazy, I know. For some loco reason I like hoarding stationery only (not using it). Then there's the ugly gray calculator. Mera nahin hai. Sister's! Mine is khaak chaan-ing somewhere around the house. Anyways, then there's the pencil that is equally ugly except for the little orange part. Woh black and white thing is my lousy phone case. I've no idea what's that hair clip doing over there. Then there's the stupid chapstick. It's rose flavoured but I don't like it. Random question: "Can you tell which is my favourite colour?" Hint: "It's the most ubiquitous colour in the photo."

Let's forget about the photo now. I don't really like taking a shower. *curls toes* What? I don't. Because, I don't like water. Why? Because, you get wet, duh! And cold too. Han, if the water is warm then I can put up with it. But still, I'm no fan. And then, sardiyon mein tou bilkul bhi nahin. I wish I had some machine that would've allowed me to dry clean myself.

My hands are cold usually. Not just in winters, but otherwise too. B. and A. joke about it and say that's because I'm a 'bewafa'. It's said that people with cold hands are disloyal supposedly. *shrugs* I laugh it off. But sometimes, I pray to Allah sa'iin under my breath to never allow me to be disloyal. I can never be disloyal. Never. That's something even the mere thought of which frightens me. I might be an awful person. Way more awful than I suppose but, I shall never be unfaithful.

I had chai paratha for dinner. *grins* Weird? Nope. That's the most adored item on, not just my home's but, my khandaan's menu. Jab kuch sumujh na aye chai paratha kha lo. Easy breezy. I cannot make a 'paratha'. I mean, I haven't tried making it. I was planning to, tonight but didn't. *frowns* I want to learn to make a paratha like a pro.

I haven't studied even a tad bit today. I don't feel like studying anymore. I've been overtaken by ambivalence once again. It's about my internship. I hate it when I feel so indecisive. I wish I was a little decisive. I wish I wouldn't need other people to guide me. I'm twenty one and I still need people to hold me by my finger and walk me everywhere. (Ufff ami, papa, bj+bj,  if only you people hadn't pampered- read spoiled- me this much). Either this era isn't the right era for me, or I'm not right for it. Hmph!

I think I've reached some sort of tentative conclusion for now but I don't feel sure abhi tak. Anyways, I shall complete my four months, till December that is, and not take up the three-year ka training contract. Three year is too long a commitment. And anyways, I don't understand why am I even worrying about it when I hate my field in the first place. First of all, I won't work all my life. Pagal nahin hon mein. I shall not work after getting married. Let my husband-to-be be the bread winner of my family. *grins* And waysay bhi, I'm so not the 'out and about' kind. Sensitivity issues, you see. If I'm working right now then that's just because I want to experience things. It's just more out of curiousity, I assume, and not for the sake of career development.

Uhh.. I don't know I'm sound crazy again. We'll talk about this again sometime.

I want to go for a walk. A looooooooooooooong walk. A walk by the road side. Awaragardi.

It's getting late. I'm off to bed now. (Cannot allow my mind to diverge to further randomness, or nuisance, if you please).

'Night.

'Love me not, my friend, until you have to
And, love me not, my love, but my sorrows too.'

Sweet Escape

I want to run off to a place far far away. A place, very remote. With almost no one around, with no 'ayashi ka samaan' (as Z. puts it) around. I really want to be alone for some time. I am getting tired of people. (They might be, too). I want to give others a break. And, myself too. I want to be with myself for a while. Just me. I want to walk on the damp grass with bare feet just before the break of dawn. I want to sit by a silent lake and watch the moonlight glisten on the waters. I want to sit there until enchantment turns too mystifying and my heart sways away to the thoughts of magical creatures living underneath the shiny waters and the silence begins to frighten me. Then, I shall get up and walk away. I want to sit by the fire and hear the wood crackle as the fire devours it. I want to watch the orange flames flicker in the darkness of night. I want to stare right into it until the smoke makes my eyes tear up and forces me to blink. I want to watch it till the very end- until the fire dies. Until the last embers turn into ashes. Until it's time.

'And, she loosened the flower from her hairs and tossed it in the dying fire... For it was time- to leave...'

A heart within me...

...I have a little heart within me
And I like to bring him out of
His prison and carry him on the
Palm of my hand to examine him
In depth and extract his secret.
Aim not your arrows at him, lest
He takes fright and vanish 'ere he
Pours the secrets blood as a
Sacrifice at the altar of his
Own faith, given him by Deity
When he fashioned him of love and beauty...

-Khalil Jibran (Extract from Leave Me, My Blamer XIII)

Much ado about.... nothing, perhaps.

I act like a 7-year-old. Even 7-year-olds are more sensible these days. And me, I like standing at least a mile away from sensibility and the likes. W-h-e-n will I grow up, if ever?

On the other hand, I tend to think at times that I am a little too mature than people my age. I am a little profound than usual. Wishful thinking, perhaps.

I was stingy a few days ago. Probably just because I was not well. You know, the thing with me is that I don't get ill very often. Alhamdolillah. And even when I do fall ill, I don't make a fuss out of it. And luckily, I get better in a few days somehow. So, no one really comes to know how bad my condition was. So, when others get sick, I don't feel for them. Say, my sisters, I don't like it much when my mother tends to them when they fall ill. I feel neglected. (Absurd, I know- can't help it). Told you, I act very childish sometimes. Sighs.

You know, at times when I get slightly feverish and my mother asks me to take the meds; I say yes to her and whisper under my breath, 'no way'. Eik tou itni mushkil se aya hai bukhar, itni asani se kaise jane dedon? *smiles*  I dislike doctors (apologies sid) and abhor pills. Hence, the reluctance to take pills. The last time I took antibiotics was..... err... sorry, cannot remember (so you see majworld, it wasn't the 'antibiotic-effect'). 

So, a few days back I caught cold and  had a really bad throat. The runny nose made me go all the way beyond crazy and then my throat ached so bloody much that I found it hard to even swallow water. Yes. And, Z. thought it was funny. Huh. Yes, very funny indeed. *scowls* And then, I have asthma. Although, it remains dormant the whole year round but jumps out when I fall ill. Asthma is awful with a capital 'A'. So, I secretly hoped that my illness won't go further and turn into an asthma attack and treated myself with anti-allergies only. Despite the fact, that my mother asked me to take some pills and an inhaler that the doctor had prescribed. *smiles* Disobedient, are we? *winks*

Yeah so, I fell ill and just when I started to imagine about all the care and tendering that I'll be receiving everybody else in the house decided to fall ill. Arghhhh. This is what happens- always. There was no one to care for me because everybody was sick. Achi musibat hai. Jab S. ya ZB. beemar hotey hain tou Aunta tak ko khabar mil jati hai, aur jab mein beemar hon tou meri ama tak bekhabar hoti hain. Kion? Kion ke mujhey dramay karne ka shoq nahin. Huh. (Waysay tou mujhse zyada dramay karne wala koi paida nahi hua magar I don't know where do all my dramatic skills go when I'm sick).

Now about the last post. I felt vulnerable. I felt like the little old Ann as a kid who used to cry, when hurt, and repeat the same things over and over. 'Nobody loves me, nobody'. 'Please Allah saa'in I want to die, everybody shall be better off that way'. 'I'm sorry Allah saa'in, but please can I die earlier'. I don't know. Whom did I wish to ease by dying? Others? Or, myself? Both, I assume. *faint smile*

A comment made my eyes well up for some reason. No clue, why? And then after all, it was by a complete stranger. Then, why did it matter at all? (See, I'm that absurd). But all I know is, nobody misses nobody! That is what I've kept repeating to myself since childhood. Not until forever, at least.

And about love, you ask. *smiles* Death shall put an end to every thing. Sooner or later. It certainly shall.

I'm sorry. Tsk.

(It's ironic- my denial. *smiles* And, I'm a liar.)

When I die, I don't think a lot of people will miss me. I might as well do some a favour, of a kind.

But, all of them love you so!

Don't tell that to me. Yes, they love me. But once I die, they'll bury their love in my grave along with me and, walk away.

Because, I am so awful.

And then, it'll be me and the darkness- of the most dark kind.

Forgive me Allah saa'in. Please.

Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear!

I'm sick.

Trash, trash, trash and more trash.

I write trash.

This blog is pathetic- with a capital 'P'.

Gaudy and absolute nonsense.

It should be trashed. 

Ugh.

Edited: And, a sincere advice- No one should waste their time reading the rubbish that I write. I'm sure life has a lot of better things to offer you. Learn from people who no longer come by- they were wise. Very wise. You should act wisely too. 

Happy Ann...

Happy Annnnn...

Itni saari knives/slicer... I wonder if it was a cake or a bakra? *chuckles* 

I've had one of the most loveliest birthdays yesterday. It was great. Only yesterday was I musing how no one brings birthday cakes for me and I've to buy it for myself (or go with papa jani, when he's here). And, yesterday only K. api brought me  a cute sa, chhota sa cake. To top it off, that too a  pineapple cake. Well, I've been craving for a pineapple cake for quite a few days and have been too lazy to buy it for myself. So, coincidentally K. api bought it for my birthday. (Okay may be facebook isn't all that bad, lol). 

Too many bingos for one day, no. I guess it was the birthday magic (working in the right direction). *smiles*

I cut two cakes yesterday. One in the evening, because I was too hungry. And, the other one just 20 minutes before the clock struck mid-night. *smiles*

Life couldn't get any sweeter. (At least, that's what Hobnob says.)

♦

However, I cried last night. I cried like I've never before in months (or years, may be). I poured my heart out for the first time in twenty one years. I was reminded of every single shard of glass that has been stuck in my chest since ever - as far as I can go down my memory lane. And, every single shard hurt me as potently as day one. And, I cried. And, you cried with me. I cried till my eyes swelled up. Till my lungs went out of air and I gasped. I cried till I yexed.  Remembering everything, and not just remembering it but narrating everything was excruciating. Agonizing. But I cried. Because, I knew this might as well be the last time I'm crying over my wounds. Because, this might as well be the last time I felt those shards, felt the agony. Because, I knew my heart was bleeding for one last time as you yanked out the broken pieces of the glass from my chest- one by one- forever. It was painful. But, it was worth the pain. 

Catharsis.

This morning is a lot brighter. A lot clearer. A lot lighter.

Sweet November

I've had a wonderful Eid masha'Allah. Even the third day, which usually goes boring went really great. We barbecued at BJ's place last night. I smelled like a smoked charcoal by the end. But, I had a great time. *smiles* Missed papa jani and Bj a lot though.

Oh! And, last night Z. told me something that really lift me off the ground and into the air. I felt elated, in its most superlative form. *grins* Not that I didn't know this already but it feels great when certain kinds of facts are cited to you and that too, out of the blue (it rhymes). And, it was kind of abrupt and unanticipated too. *smiles*

Z. told me that I'm Bj's favourite. As I already said, it's something that I've known but it has never been mentioned to me in such manner. I know both, Bj and BJ (and even papa) love me like anything. Z. was right in saying that I'm so fortunate that everybody loves me (well, everybody except for me). Z. told me Bj, when he was here, always used to speak about me and the love with which he spoke of me, that's what coaxed Z. to blurt it out to me. (Blurting it out after so many years, God! Z. you have to be insane.)

I'm too awful to be loved but I guess these guys are just not sane enough to see that. Sighs.

But then, there's something about me, right. *shakes head and smiles*

Happy birthday, my love. Happy birthday.

I've had a lovely day masha'Allah. I miss papa. He always forgets our birthdays. Ami has to remind him to wish us. But he's too sweet. *gives a wide smile* Papa tells me, when I was born I was way too awake than the usual newly born babies. My eyes were wide open and they moved around the room like search lights. My eyes. Hm! My Lord has been generous with me. *grins*

Dear winter, come let's be friends. You haven't been all that bad this year. I think I can love you just the way I used to once. Be with me. And, be mine.

Shall I tell you how weary I am? But then, where shall I begin from, my love? And, where shall I end...?

Near, far, where ever you are...

To those who are with me. And, to those who aren't. To those whom my blood-pumping organ misses. And, to those who are around me.

To everyone.

Eid Mubarak!

God bless.

P.S. I miss my bakraas. 

Eik raat mein itna sab kuch bhi hosakta hai....

*shakes head and smiles faintly*

Broken, are we?

'Don't all of us carry a broken heart? Some are chipped while others are... severely fissured. Broken, nonetheless.'

I shall mend yours. One day, I shall. Until then, we'll have to wait. And wait, we shall.

The silent night, on whose thorax we laid. And, you whispered in my ears, with a gentle tone, the secrets of your past and present. And I heard, not just with my ears but through every single cell in my body.

Your voice grew heavier; burdened with the weight of your grief and your throat welled up. I listened. I listened as if this might as well be the last time I may hear a sound.

I tried to reach out to you but, all my opened arms met was... cold thin air. You were, but a faint voice that echoed in the silence of the night. You were, but a voice, my dear.

Marie, the biscuits.

"Subha Marie, shaam Marie, raat Marie, bas har waqt Marie Marie Marie! Tumhari body 60% water nahin, 60% Marie banchuki hogi ab tak. Kuch weeks ke baad khud be Marie ban jaogi! Colour tou Marie jaisa hai hee (...) Marie ka ticky pack (half-roll)!"

*grins*

I am bored...

Hmm, so? What's up these days?

I am liking this song very much. Mazey ka hai! *smiles*

And who decides...

...what's real?

The extent you can go to, for the sake of returning to a place called home... Only to discover, that it isn't real and that you... are lost.

P.S. I just watched 'Inception'.

Cold...

...Sighs.

You, my friend, are so overwhelming, has anyone ever mentioned that to you before?

I don't think so.

*smiles*

I was afraid...

... of not knowing. Of being in the... dark.

Darkness... has never frightened me as much as it did last night.

Thank you my Lord, for saving us. For not leaving us alone. I can never thank You enough, that is the only thing I know.

Papa jani, I miss you. Come soon.

Bj, don't you know we are alone? All alone. And, so are you, aren't you?

Dear November, do you always have to have something not-so-good up your sleeve?


P.S. Everything's fine now. Alhamdolillah. No worries.

Outpours..

'When someone pours their heart out to you... they honour you.'

I've yet to meet a person gentler than you, my friend.

And, I doubt the possibility.

Eik masiiha mujhko chho ker gaya...

Kaun tha... mein dhoo'ndta raha...

P.S. Finally, after quite sometime, I've come across an Indian film (A Flat) that has some really sweet soundtracks.

Who's going to tell me what I want?

Somebody?

Anybody?

Sighs. I'm confused. I don't know. I cannot decide if I want to continue what I am doing right now. I cannot even decide if I like my work. I thought I had till December to come up with a decision but I'm surmising, I don't. They are converting my internship contract into a three-year contract for my articles, earlier than expected. Err... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I cannot decide. Three-years.... it's too long. It's a big four firm but.... (to hell with the big four ranking). It's not about the firm's ranking. It's about what I want. And, I don't know what I want. Is this what I want? Being an auditor (or the likes)? How can I be so boring? So uncreative? 'Creativity' is an offense in this field. One has to live by the defined principles. You cannot digress. You cannot think on your own. Okay, I'm in Risk Advisory (it's a lot better than audit) but... uh. I never even wanted to work a job, in the first place. It's not even a part of my long-term goals. (Do I even have long-term goals?). I just want to complete my studies and then, unwind. Working..... I don't know. But... if this is not what I want then why the bloody hell am I so confused? Why don't I just decline? Why can I not decide? Oh Lord! Help me...... I feel like breaking down.

Precision is sweet...

'An-- ki jaga koi nahin le sakta.'

Period.

*triumphs*

I've been waiting for the moonlight... II

Yaad agaya!

What I was wanting to say was that Sid (John Abraham) in the movie (Jhoota Hi Sahi) stammers. His stammer was cute though. So anyways, I used to stammer too, sometime back. It used to happen very seldom though, but I don't know I somehow started to stammer. My stammer was pretty slight- almost negligible and, it happened sometimes only. The funny part is, I didn't stutter as a kid but somehow I developed this habit in my teenage. Even now, I stammer at a word sometimes. But as I said, it happens seldom and it's almost unnoticeable. Phew. *grins*

Umm... So, once I was telling R. api about how I've started stammering all of a sudden; she laughed it off and said, 'They say if you start being with people who stammer you yourself might catch a stammer....'. I knew what she meant by this. And, I had to look away to conceal the smile that was slowly crawling up my lips. She, of all people, must know that the people who stammered once don't stammer anymore- not really.

I had a yummy qeema today. What made it even more yummy was the fact that I had lunch at five-ish and hence, was starved. Then, as I got up to wash my hands off after having my lunch I professed my love of qeema to ama jani. And then she said, 'Acha... Magar tum tameez se tou nahi khaati', to which I said 'Na ami, I am always just with the qeema...' *smiles* and absolutely out of nowhere my mother exclaimed, 'Yeah, Z. likes qeema too...' And I was like, '....' Where did Z. come from ami, I wondered inside my head. We were talking about qeema mum, not Z. *smiles*

Hmmm.... You too are one hell of a character, aren't you? *smiles* Everybody loves you so much. You make me jealous, you know. You do. And, I used to make you jealous-once, I know. *smiles*

I've been waiting for the moonlight...

"Yeh zindagi kitni khoobsurat hai... Aur is zindagi ke siwa kya hai humaray pass...?"
[Jhoota Hi Sahi]

I just watched the movie. It was lovely. Hilarious too. *smiles* Becoming friends with strangers and yet, remaining strangers, I like the idea. It's probably easier to speak to people who don't know you and whom you don't know. I wish.... Ahh forget it! I'm wishing too much these days.

"Mount Everest kab gaya tu?"

"NASA chorne ke baad..."

Haha.

Uhh... Err... You know, there was actually something else that I wanted to write about magar...... Yaad he nahin araha ke kya... Ugh. Why can't I remember things? *frowns*

Uff.. I'm leaving.

Itsy bitsy tidbits..

Going to bed early isn't equal to sleeping early! *frowns* Phir jaldi uthadiyaaa.
♣
My new morning ritual... Listening to qawwalis.
♣
Had halwa puri in breakfast. Yummm... The aachar wass..... ahhh awesome. While I was haath saaf-ing on my halwa (haha), ami jani stopped me in the middle and scolded me for taking teeny-sized bites. I resisted but she persisted. Once she realised I am not going to increase the size of my bites she took the spoon from my platter, filled it with the halwa and put it in my mouth. I told her I shall take larger bite but she refused to listen. She made me finish the halwa with her own hands. Wow. Whatever came over her today. It's been long since I had food from her hands. It was awesome and a little embarrassing too- I'll be twenty-one in twenty one days. But she's my ama jaanii, no matter how old I get!
♣
I need to work out, despite the fact that my eating habits have gotten so messed up as I've been skipping meals. I shall start walking or jogging, may be. *feels too lazy to do either*
♣
I'm not reading blogs anymore, not really. I don't feel like commenting either. I don't know. I'm just disoriented. And then, someone's missing...
♣
Anonymous followers, hmm... Aren't we all anonymous, hiding behind veils of pseudonyms?
♣
You are a chronic liar, aren't you? Well, your habit has been innocuous to date but there is a tiny bit of a problem. The line between what's true and what's made-up is blurring... I'm afraid, I shall start taking your words for granted very soon.
♣
Only recently, I used to wonder how would it be like? To have feelings for someone you don't know; someone you've never met and you know you'll never meet; someone who doesn't even have a name; someone you don't even know if exits at all...
♣
I've been writing this post since morning... It nearly 4 on the clock now.
♣
It's raining.... But it's so quiet. I feel like speaking in whispers.
♣
Rouk sako tou pehli baarish ki boondo'n ko tum rouko
Kachi mitti tou mehkegi hai mitti ki majburi...
♣
Sighs...

You-'I'-me-'Miss'-we-'You' us...

Happy Birthday Bj. May you have many many many more. May God always bless you.

I love you. And, (I miss you).

Paghal.

Itni qasmein na kha'o ghabra ker... jao hum aitebaar karte hain

Part 1

Part 2

All in a day's work- Not

Something very funny happened today.

I cannot stop laughing thinking about it.

"I've been seeing you around... but haven't got a chance to speak to you..."

"...."

Really? Wow. It's must have been very difficult for you, yeah? Considering the way you speak to any and every one, not getting a chance to have spoken to me must have been uber tough on you.

I wish I wouldn't have come to that desk to use the other system. Lol.

Tsk. Tsk. *chuckles*

Words, retracted

You know how I stopped all of a sudden, in the middle of my sentence... I just realised I can no longer be as candid as I used to be. It was the funny; the way I suddenly started looking up at the tall buildings of PC and Sheraton, and started ranting about their awful location... Yes, I startled you with the sudden shift in gears but... Anyways.

To be or not to be: that is the question...

I was just being open with you. I thought I could say anything to you. I thought I could speak to you about any and everything. I was only being honest. I had no idea my honesty could prick you. I'll be careful next time... I will... But then, isn't concealing the truth as good as lying? I don't want to lie to you. But, I don't want to hurt you either...

Salman Khan.......

*lets out a cold sigh*

P.S. I've met him... in my dreams. Twice. *grins*

Raat ke khvaab sunaaye'n kis ko raat ke khvaab suhaanay thay

I saw a dream once. And, all of it felt more real than reality. However, it was far too beautiful to have been real. Ethereal, it was. Love, it was.

I fell in love- with someone... someone I know doesn't exist. It was, all of it, merely a figment of my dainty imagination. But, it was so real.

I was in a library, or was it a huge book store? It was a brightly lit and a very cozy place. S. was with me and we were sifting through the books resting on the shelves. I suddenly felt as if someone was watching me. I ignored the feeling and continued checking the books. However, the feeling grew stronger. I could sense the warmth of someone's stare and it was no longer possible to ignore. I looked around. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Just when I was about to shrug my shoulders and concentrate back on the book in my hands something caught my eye.

Someone was standing beside the shelves. A few feet away from where I was standing. I looked up from the book and... my moral compass went berserk. For a second, all the manners I had been taught vanished into thin air. My eyes froze. However, it was just a moment. I pulled myself together and turned to the book in front me. The words appeared undecipherable. They didn't seem to belong to any language that I knew of.

Something happened. The heart skipped a beat. Just a beat. And then, started beating faster than ever.

I had no idea where S. had gone. She wasn't with me. Gazing absently at the book, I watched through the corner of my eye, as the silhouette near the shelves drew closer to where I was until, it was standing next to me. I wished to leave but somehow, my feet were cemented to the ground. Every single muscle in my body defied my urge to move.

While my eyes were still locked with the unrecognized characters on the page, I caught a glimpse of some white papers drawn in front of me. I looked closely at the white pages. They were sketches of some kind. And, they looked familiar. It felt as if I knew the person in the sketches however, my mind couldn't process who.

I took the sketches in my hand. It was me. They were my sketches. I looked up to that stranger with eyes filled with astonishment. He looked back at me with a very blissful expression painted on his face. I could also sense a subtle smile hiding under his expressions. My awe seemed to amuse him, I assume.

I could feel myself blushing, I could feel the blood rushing across my face...

It's been quite a while- longer than a year. I don't remember much. All I know is that I fell in love. And, it was divine. Not a single word was uttered. It was a mime movie. Not a single gesture made. But... who needed words, who needed gestures. It was as if I had been in love with that stranger forever. As if I knew him ever since. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. I could feel my knees going weak.

Every single feeling, was so real. I felt it. It wasn't just a dream. It was more than that.

But, it couldn't have been real. It was all too magnificent to have been real. Those feelings, those moments... they didn't belong to this world. All of it was so idyllic. So surreal. So beautiful.

And that man, *smiles* who doesn't even exist... I fell in love with him.

The dilemma I've fallen into...

Happiness rips me off my creativity, or so I feel. In my case, they are two mutually exclusive events. I feel sad without happiness (obviously) and lost with creativity. In both the cases, I am at loss.

I have not written anything that is nice enough, lately. I have not written at all. It is not just the writer's block. Because, I am not having trouble dressing my thoughts with words but, I have no thoughts to begin with. It is as if my mind is empty. I am not thinking anything. No reflections. No introspect.

This is not me.  I am not liking this.

Am I saying I do not like being happy?

Sighs. I do not know. It is complicated. I just do not feel like my usual self. I feel over-dosed with happiness and everything else has crept away to the background. It is as if I no more have time to 'think', in my usual mellow manner. It is either I feel too happy to bother about other things, or I am too busy.

I am becoming like them, aren't I? Laugh. Love. Eat. Sleep. That is all. Tsk. No, this is not all. At least, it 'was' not before.  My days had more to them that these mundanities. My nights were calmer, anguished sometimes, but calmer. Good or bad, I know not. But, they were more profound than now.

I feel so unreal. So mundane. Just like everybody else. Just like them. I have not cried in front of Him since weeks. Do I think my sins have been effaced? Do I think I have no reason to cry any more? Do I think I have been forgiven? Because everything is so perfect?

I am afraid. I am afraid of everything being just the way I want it to be. I am not thanking Him enough. And, these might as well be tests for me from Him. I am afraid, I will fail.

I am afraid of being happy. Because, I know. I know no happiness is everlasting. Happiness slurs over time and something else takes its place. That something frightens me. Happiness and sorrows play in a random loop. It is cyclical. One is as inevitable as the other. You cannot escape either of them. I realise.

But such outward feeling of glee, is not what I am looking for. I do not mind being happy, I just... do not want it to be so very sophisticated. I merely want my profundity back.

P.S. Who ever would have thought being happy could be such predicament...?

Back view mirrors...

Can be magical.

♣♣♣♣♣♣

Raushan jamaal-e-yaar se hai anjuman tamaam

Dah'ka hu’aa hai aatish-e-gul se chaman tamaam

Hairat Ghuruur-e-husn se, shokhii se iztiraab

Dil ne bhii tere seekh liye hai'n chalan tamaam

Allah re husn-e-yaar kii khuubii ke khud-ba-khud

Rangiiniyo'n me'n duub gayaa pairahan tamaam

Dekho to husn-e-yaar kii jaaduu-nigaahiyaa'n

Behosh ek nazar me'n hu’ii anjuman tamaam

Thought of the day

This family, is one gorgeous-looking family, isn't it. Beautiful. Masha'Allah. *smiles*

Shells and doors

"I like living in my shell, you see"

"And, does that shell have a door...?"

"...."

Tell me what you want to hear...

Down the memory lane...

As I was sifting through my old documents on my desktop, I found a folder that was copied from my notebook. It was the Oracle's folder. The oracle, you see, was (still is) the Lyceum's school yearbook/magazine.

Oh, I am still in love with Lyceum. I still miss it. Those two years were amongst the best years of my life. Crazy times. 

Do you have any idea how many crushes I had and that too at the same time? Uhh.. Don't ask. *chuckles* There was the head boy, an A2 and then there was another A2 whom M. used to call 'malnutritioned gorilla' (haha, I have no idea why?). Umm... there was also a K&Ns in M's class, then there was another person in one of my classes. Then the A2s passed out and we were crowned A2s hence, two of my crushes were crushed, lol. I had to find replacements and luckily the juniors weren't 'all' a disappointment (although most of them were, trust me). So there were two A1s, who were super cute. Oh my God! One of them had a smile pasted on his face all the time and amazingly, that didn't look creepy at all. But the sad part was that I didn't even know his name. *frowns* I sound so.... Haha, whatever. Yes, and there was another A1 who had these awesome Italian looks. However, the awful part was that they were a year younger. Sighs. Lol. 

But these were mere crushes, you see. *grins* I hold my esteem so very close to my heart. I have this air of supposed sophistication around me in front of others that often makes me appear arrogant and rude. It also makes me unapproachable. (Or so, have I heard). 

Anyways, the folder had articles for the yearbook as well. There was this one particular article by me that couldn't be published because a) I had submitted it at the very last moment and b) Probably, it was.... too hard for Mrs. Khan to digest. Mrs. Khan was a .... I nicknamed her Cruella de Vil. Need I say more? Anyhow, so I was thinking of posting it here but... errr... I have an apprehension. However, I think I will. Soon. 

'Tis

Blogging is unhealthy. It is, it is, it is! In social terms, that is.

Uh well... I'll explain later.

Tsk Tsk...

You are supposed to say "jee" and not "han" or "hmm". What ever happened to your manners, badtameez larki.

Raat phaili hai tere surma'ee aa'nchal ki tarah...

Sighs. And then, there are songs that I'm hopelessly in love with. 

A walk to remember

<3

I'm hardly half way through it, and my eyes are tearing up at every other scene. Even the ones that aren't so intense. This movie, it's magical.

Sighs.

Presages

Do you not see?

These are omens, bad omens.

Open your eyes. Open your mind. For God's sake.

Farz karo...

Farz karo ham ahl-e-wafaa hon, farz karo deewaane hon

Farz karo ye donon baaten jhuuTii hon afsaane hon

Farz karo ye jii kii biptaa jii se jorr sunaayii ho

Farz karo abhii aur ho itnii aadhi ham ne chhupaayii ho

Farz karo tumhen khush karne ke dhuunde ham ne bahaane hon

Farz karo ye nain tumhaare sach-much ke maikhaane hon

Farz karo ye rog ho jhuutaa jhuutii peet hamaarii ho

Farz karo is peet ke rog mein saans bhi ham pe bhaari ho

Farz karo ye jog-bijog kaa hamne dhong rachaayaa ho

Farz karo bas yahii haqiiqat baaqii sab kuch maayaa ho

Will someone please get the butterflies out of my stomach?

Oh God!

Just don't sit in front of me like that. Please, please, please don't position yourself in my line of sight. You've no idea how... how maddening it is.

I feel suicidal now. Ahhh, I want to die.

*slaps herself real hard*

Snap out of it.

Sighhhhs.

Reminiscences

The cold night seemed to penetrate each and every pore of his body. The darkness of it, the coldness of it, formed a part of him. The mist shrouded him; he went out of sight for a second, and the next he was there again, standing. Gazing out in the vastness, his eyes fixed at an invisible point. One wondered if there was something he could see through such darkness lit by the faded moonlight, in vain.

And then, as if after eons, there was a movement. The neck slightly arched upwards. The moon- it appeared as a glowing smudge against a black chalkboard. The strong breeze was tearing his sight, or was it the reminiscence? 

His grip on the iron railing grew stronger, the veins of his hands had suddenly become more obvious. His knees were perhaps refusing to hold his burden any longer. His lips were firmly pursed together. His brow very stern. His eyes growing warmer. His head bowed down and his eyes closed for the first time in ages.  A warm drop of salt water escaped the inner corner of his eye and settled on his hand, just above his knuckles. 

His eyes opened and caught the faint twinkle on his hand. A subtle but remorseful smile touched his lips. His head straightened back to the former position. His grip loosened. And, he gazed out in the vastness, his eyes fixed at an invisible point- yet again.

Somewhere nearby, a pair of brown eyes closed tightly in agony and a curtain fell down. 

*********************************

Phir khayalon mein tere qurb ki khusbu jaagi

Phir barasne lagi aankhain meri baadal ki tarah...

The knowing...

Can you look right through me? Can you really read the faded engravings on my face that others cannot?

Is it that obvious? Or are you just a keen observer?

How can you read me? How can you discover what I've tried to veil ever since? How can you know?

You know who I am. You have found out what I had purposely concealed behind the curtains of my errors. And surprisingly, I am glad someone did. But, the someone would be you... I never thought like that.

How come they don't see it? How come? Those who proclaim their love for me, who profess to know me. Why can't they see what you saw?

You saw the real me. Is it the blood ties? No. It can't be. I'm tied with the same ribbons of blood to them as well but, they didn't see. You did.

How can I ever tell you how glad I feel? Knowing that someone knows who you really are despite being wrapped in a hundred veils, is elating.

UW

Waterloo. *shakes head in despair* He is in Waterloo. *faint smile*

UW seems to ring so many bells.

Feels as if someone just scraped the scabs off my wounds.

Never mind. It's alright. I'm good. *smiles*

Voices inside my head...

They tell me... Yes. They tell me things that you don't know. That no one else does. Because you don't listen, do you? However, I do. And, they speak to me. I'm never alone. And, I am never quiet. Yes, my lips may seem still. Yet, I speak- with those voices inside my head. We talk about things. Things, that may be too commonplace for you. They aren't for us. Every thing has a story to tell, only if you're willing to listen.

Engravings

Aapka dil bohat bara hai magar mera nahin. Aap sab mauf karsakte hain magar mein nahin. Aap bohat aa'la zarf hain magar mein itna zarf kahan se la'on?

Woh loog tou mere qusurwaar bhi nahin, aapko he haq hai unhein mauf karna ka magar beharhaal mein unhain phir bhi mauf nahin karsakti us sab ke liye jo unhon ne aap ke saath kiya.

Mujhey sumujhna he nahin hain aapke khoon ke rishton ke falsafo'n ko. Khoon ka rishta hai tou kiya sirf aapka hai, unka koi rishta nahin? Mera rishta bhi hai tou sirf aapki waja se. Aap darguzar se kaam lain kion ke aap dil aur khoon ke hathon majboor hain. Meri aisi koi majboori nahin hai.

Rishton ko qa'im rakhne ke liye ehsaas darkaar hota hai, aur yahan... yahan tou ehsaas naam ki kisi chirya ka guzr he nahin howa kabhi.

Aap nibhaye yeh khoklay rishtey, mujhse nahin hosakta.

Izzat karna, beharhaal, mujhper wajib hai.

If I die young...

"Funny when your dead how people start listenin’..." 


It's been ages and yet, I cannot cease to miss you. I wish I could have turned back the wheel of time and loved you so much more, so much more. 


Did you really have to leave me, so soon? 


I wish... But what does it matter now...?

Through the looking glass...

You are so beautiful...


So beautiful. Why did I not notice this before? How oblivious have I been to a reality as old as my existence. 


Face, bathing in a surreal glow. Eyes, so deep, so intriguing; with a twinkle borrowed from stars on a darkest night. Lips, carved into a perfect shape.

A silhouette stood before a looking glass, and smiled an entrancingly ethereal smile...

Whatever happened to creative writing...

*blinks in bewilderment*

Hellowww! I'm making a fool out of you. No. Actually, you, yourself, are making a fool out of yourself.

I write something; you read something and there is a huge difference between the two somethings. 

What in the world am I trying to hint at? *rolls eyes* 

********************************

Literature has an interesting trait, you see. It's open to interpretation. Way open. Two people will almost never see a piece of writing in the same light. We have this chronic habit of shedding the light of our own experiences/encounters and then giving the words our own translation. That's the most interesting thing about literature (or is it?). 

********************************

I am trying to write something. Ughhh. Nothing's happening. I need magic. 

Where's the magic?

********************************

You know, each and everyday, I am swarmed with thoughts; some scenes, some dialogues that I've never heard of or seen. There is usually no coherence between these events. They are usually random revelations. Without any connection. Mere figments of my imagination. My marvelous imagination.

I wish to write them all down. And then may be, some day link them together and discover a beautiful piece of art. May be, just may be. 

*********************************

What the hell am I doing in an audit firm? 

*********************************

I am a murderer. A ruthless murderer. I killed an artist. 

*********************************

I'm out of titles

Sunday, 3rd October, 2010

Sigh. It's been days, yeah. Mm-hmm. So, where shall I start from? Nowhere, I suppose. (Let's skip the 'I've been busy and blah and blah and blah and further blah') *smiles*

When I logged in to blogger today, I was hoping to see a lot many posts that I could read but uhh... Well, there were only five on my dashboard. Disappointment.

I've been just a tad bit busy. Well, actually I've been more tired/lazy than busy hence, the absence. *smiles*

I wished to be here in a pleasant frame of mind which I've had lately. However, (don't you just hate howevers, buts, neverthelesses, athoughs, et cetera?) I'm not in a very pleasant mood, as of now. Ugh. This is so wrong! I've had an awesome weekend. Just one little thing has no right to ruin it all. I will not allow this. I will not....

Tuesday, 5th October, 2010

(contd.)
They say I'm very strong. I cannot decide whether it is a good thing, or bad. I'm not strong, my fury is. It seems to overpower each and every emotion. And, they need to be corrected. I do not excel at masking my emotions. If I did, would my annoyance have been that evident?

However, there's one good thing. My resentment is ephemeral. Well, that's about the only thing good about it.

I'll write a new post. I find this one weary.

Bye-bye, title-less post.

Absence

My dear, let me make this very clear for you. So, that there remains no doubt, no second thought. You are but just a single person amongst a pond of beloveds. Just a single person, you see. A VIP, although. However, a VIP amongst other VIPs, you see.

Your presence is overwhelming and you are very well aware. However, your absence- physical or mental- will eventually be curtained by those who are there- while you aren't. I shall be at a loss, but rest assured that it'd be momentary. Momentary, for me, that is.

I shall survive. And not just survive, I shall also be distracted. Happy, in other words. All of us shall live a very pleasant life hopefully. I'm certainly hopeful for myself at least, however about you, I don't seem to have any idea.

I've done my maths. You should do yours, my dear friend.

And so, I sigh again...

Sh: "Ohh you fool! Rona bhi kis baat per araha hai wah wah!"

My stupid eyes fill up with stupid tears so easily. Ugh. I hate it. Why do I have to be so sensitive? Like 5x more sensitive than an average person. I realise I cannot go on in this half demented world like this. I cannot. But I'm so helpless.

I cry when others get hurt because of me. I cry when they have to hear scoldings because of something that might have been a mistake on my part. I cry when people don't scold me for being careless.

I disgust myself. Thoroughly.

Cigarettes...

Tsk Tsk Tsk.

Wey mein chori chori tere naal
laa layyan akhaan wey...

I like her voice. I like the crudeness it has. No, I'm not talking about Meesha Shafi. I'm talking about Reshma. *smiles*



I wished to embed another nazm sung by her but I'm unable to do so. So, here is the link to Aksar Shab-e-tanhai mein.

Aksar shab-e-tanha'ii mein
Kuch dair pehle neend se...

I am angry. Very angry.

You haven't lost your smile at all...

"You haven't lost your smile at all, it's right under your nose. You just forgot it was there..." 

- Author unknown

I am so utterly stupid. 

I can control my expressions almost always save, when the expression is a smile. It's so so so hard to prevent my lips from curving into a smile. The only solution in such a situation is to look away. But looking away doesn't help much either. Because I blush too much. Excessively, I tell you. It doesn't matter whether I'm undertaken by anger or delight, one thing is sure and that'd be... Yes, my face turning into a tomato.

My smile is so obvious. It gets embarrassing some time. *smiles*

Ain said something to Z. and I overheard so, I couldn't keep myself for smiling. But, I was so concerned about Ain not noticing my smile, I started fixing my chapal's strap for absolutely no reason. Because, I knew had she spotted me smiling I would have come in the line of fire which would have been uber embarrassing.

I smile too much. (I don't know, may be not really).

♦♦♦

Oh c'mon Z.! Did you really have to have a head ache the same day I did? Please dude! I never get sick (Alhumdolillah) and when I finally did, you decided to try and steal the stage from me. Hmph! Not fair. I am being mean, no? Okay, excuse me, lol. I wonder if this was the reason I was so cross with you today. *smiles sheepishly* I can also be prove to be utterly lame as well at times. 

♦♦♦

If I was a kid now and someone would have asked me, 'beta what do you want to be when you grow up?' I would have said without a slightest delay, "a Cookie Monster!"

Such is my love for the Cookie Monster. *blushes*

[Image courtesy: deviantART]

Not-so-dear Migraine

Dear Migraine,

I can't thank you enough for ruining my entire day today. I realise you love me so very much and hence, you feel obliged to pay me a visit from time to time. I cannot explain to thee how I highly appreciated your prolonged absence was but, you don't seem to appreciate my appreciation, now do you?

I want to sing a song for you, for all the trouble you went through to reach me. *sings* Ohh! I just died in your arms tonight today.... It must've been something you said...

Let me thank you for making me feel that death was an easier option. Let me also tell you, how I despise the pathetic auras that you send me as harbingers of your arrival. Thank you for forcing tears out of my eyes while I was at work. I am sure you have absolutely no idea how embarrassed I felt trying to hide my tears. 

I can still feel you lurking around. I wish you would leave now and for good. I hate you very much and never wish to see you again. However, I know you are one hell of a stalker, aren't you? 

Hmph.

Sick of you,

Ann.

Chocolates & Changes

I don't seem to like chocolates anymore. I've lost the craving, lately. I still have a sweet tooth but, chocolates have been pushed way down the 'I-like-list'.

Change is insinuating deep inside me, I feel it. For better, or for worse, I am unable to decide.

The things that you want to change, seem to stay constant and stick out their tongue at you. And, the things that you never wanted to change... Sighs.

Change is inevitable. And, indispensable too, at times.

My axis

I love the extent to which I drive BJ crazy. I drive everybody insane but let's just talk about BJ today. I sometimes feel he wants to eat me kacha. *insert the same old dheet smile again* Oh well,  he doesn't leave any stone unturned either, during his endeavours towards driving me mad.

Eik tu I don't like eating and then he kept on bugging me during dinner today. I was on th brink of a huge break out, I swear. I was just this close to leaving my plate and walking away with anger. He kept nudging me while I was eating and God! Was that irritating. But then, I loved how I messed up his hairs totally and then started pulling at them. (Who'd say he's so many years older than me? *grins*)

He keeps calling me bil'li (a cat, that is). If not billi then Aiman. My name is NOT Aiman. I wish he'd stop calling me that, lol. I sometimes tend to forget what my real name is, huh? He insists I and Bj both are 'certified pagals'. He denies any relation with any of us. Yeah, right. *smiles* But he loves me soooo. And, he's the cutest person. The most seedha insaan on earth that I've come across. And he receives so many scoldings from papa and ami. Aww. I love you BJ. I don't really like when they scold you. Only I can be bad with you. *Insert an evil laugh*

I pray for you always always always. I pray for you to have a wonderful life, to be blessed with a gazillion more blessings from Allah Saa'iin, to always be happy, to be safe and, to have a strengthened faith in Him. I always pray for you, Bj and papa. You guys are the axis around which my life revolves. I love you guys so much. Yes, I am very arrogant at times, I know. *squirms* Forgive me, please. I really love you.

Feeling a little orange-ish, are we?

Orange has been my favourite colour since ever. But, I dislike how the skyline appears to have an orange-ish  hue at night. I miss looking up at a black or a very dark blue night sky with twinkly little stars shining upon me. Hmph.

Autumn is setting in, isn't it? I felt it today. The dry wind and that particular scent that it carries along with it...

Whining feels great. Well, most of the times. Been doing that a lot lately. I've been whining continuously to Sh. since Tuesday. The whining session starts around 10 am and goes on until around 5 pm, lol. She complains about how sore her ears have got. *smiles* C'mon, she is the only one with whom I allow myself the liberty to whine. And by the way, I whine about only 'half' of my issues. (Wait till Sh. hears this! Half? Haha. She'll decide to kill herself) But, it's true. I swear, it is. Sigh. I would like if you listen to my whinings ("all"). I won't mind the ups and downs of your brow on the condition that I know I'm being heard- really carefully, that is. You can scold me all you want but, don't you dare tell me how stupid I sound. Oh, no! 

I shall resume whining again; from Monday. *grins* I am cute. Uh oh! Where did that come from? *squirms* Wherever.

*sings* Cry Cry Itnaaaa Cry karte hain kaye ko... Itnaaa dartey hain kaye koo.....?!!  



I need a slight chaan'ta too, lol. 

Stop being a show-off. I mean, pleeeease!

Khosham Me-Aayad...

"Khosham me-ayad" by Farhad Darya

"Bass ke dar aatash-e hijraan-e kas-e sokhtayee

Ashk-e jaan parwar o aah-e tu khosham me-ayad..."

Okay. Here's another song that I adore very much. It's by an Afghan singer and is in Dari dialect of Farsi. Exotic much? Yeah, I know. *smiles*

I want to learn Farsi some day, Insha'Allah. Well, because I am in love with this language for some reason. *smiles*

And she will be loved...

Behis'si thi ke mere zabt ka andaaz tha yeh

Muztarib tha bhi agar, mein kabhi barham tou na tha

I wish I could've said this sher  for myself but well, that's way out of question. In my case, barhami depends exponentially on the iztiraab. This couplet, nevertheless, opened a new door for me. Not a door that unveils the secrets of the lost city of Atlantis or some X-files from A-51 or the location of Holy Grail, for that matter. No. Nothing as such. What lies behind this door is a fact that's so obvious that it never grasped my attention, until now. 

Anyhow, yesterday S. was listening to Maroon 5's "She will be loved". (Hayye. I've always loved this song) I was lying beside her in ami's room and, something struck me about this song for the first time. I suddenly wished to find someone who'd catch me every time I fall. Yes, every time. I wished that every time I fall, someone would shake his/her head in disapproval and yet, reach out for my hand and pick me up. I won't mind a little scolding either. *insert a wide and a very dheet smile here* I'll persist on falling, though. 

I don't want to change. I know I am not good. I am so so so bad. I know. People have said this to me enough times to make me believe this. Which again, by the way, brings me to this empty wrapper of Dove's Promises that is lying in front of me. I have no idea which of the two monsters ate it and left the wrapper here but had I been superstitious I would have taken this as an omen of some kind. *smiles* You want to know what the message on its inside says? It says, Never let others' opinion change the way you feel about yourself. Uhh...But it's a little too late already. I have changed a lot; for the ones I love. However, somehow I'm still work-in-progress.

Umm... I have a lot to say. The rants don't end here. Oh no, they don't! *chuckles* 

Mid-September night dreams..

Or was it mid-summer...? *grins*

Happy Birthday Z.
(Still a few minutes left for the date to bid farewell, till next year)

I wish you all the happiness in life. I pray to God that every single wish of yours may come true in a manner that is even more wonderful than what you hoped for.

Evolution

Love. It isn't what it once used to be, is it?

It is a magnificent piece of literature that has lost its charm in translation.

A once-marvelous work of architecture that has lost its wonder at the hands of time. Now but a remnant suggesting a beautiful structure that once stood with all its air.

A holy scripture that has been adulterated over centuries. And now, is anything but close to its true sacred form.

A religion, once divine, recreated and corrupted by man. A religion that has been robbed off of all divinity and sanctity.

That my dear, is love as we know it.

It came. It went away.

Eid Mubarak. *smiles*

I have had a wonderful Eid- packed with joy and happiness. I want to write about it but... I'm out of words. Or perhaps, not in mood right now. But you get the point, don't you? *grins* I hope you had an equally great Eid.

The brief Eid break ends tonight. Back to work from tomorrow. *frowns*

The mehndi that A. put on my palms just yesterday whispered something to me just now. *smiles* It told me I've come a long long way. There were times I disliked henna. I liked how nice it looked on everybody else but I never wanted to have it on my hands. I was nothing even close to a girl. When I look at Eeman, she reminds me of myself as a kid. I gave my ami such a tough time. She used to worry about me so much. She often wondered, Kya hoga iss larki ka. She was especially worried about my dressing style. I always, always had my denims on and few of my favourite shirts that I used to wear over and over again. How much I despised the eastern attire. My ami used to request aunta to speak to me about it. She used to ask A. and B. to lure me into believing how good I looked in kameez shalwar and similar attires. And now... Look at me. *smiles and shakes head*

People change. Change is inevitable, isn't it? *smiles*

Wishes, letters and more...

I hated you for the initial ten years of my life. Then, I loved you for the next ten. I guess it's time to hate you again- for another ten years. *smirks* I see the change has already set in. Whoever said human feelings cannot follow a pattern. There is a pattern, don't you see? It is cyclical. Ha.


I think I should abstain from such bakwaas for tonight, at least.

It's Chand Raat. It's going to be Eid tomorrow. Yayee! Guess what, I received a text from an unknown number that read, "Happy moon night =P". Okay, whatever, lol.

Sighs. I am missing so many people. *frowns* Uh, okay no, not many, I am missing only a couple of people. I think I'll write some imaginary letters to them. Umm... Here they go.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Dear papa jani,

I miss you. I wish you were here.  I love it when you pick up the phone and I say, "Asalamalaikum papa jaaani" and you reply with a cheery, "Walekumsalam papa jaani". Pa, I love you. So very much. Tsk. Tsk. Have I ever told you that you are my only shield against ami's ghussa. *winks* Bet you never knew that. Oh God! I am missing you so much. I wish I could teleport to you and give you a very tight hug.

May my thoughts find you in the best of health. All of us are going to miss you on Eid. And again, before I end my letter, I love you. I always will.

Yours,

Ann.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Dear Bj,

I miss you, you fool. Had you been here, we'd be out roaming on the streets in the bazaars. As of now, I am reading The Lost Symbol. Imagine that. I am reading a book on chaand raat. However. S. and ZB. still have plans with BJ, so they will be going out once they come here. But, not me. I shall get back to reading.  

I want to hug you. It's been ages since I did that. And after hugging you, I'd really appreciate hitting you hard for making me miss you so much. That'll be all for you. Will be calling you in a while.

Yours,

Maassi.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

As for the rest of you, who are still somehow bearing with my goofiness- Chaand Raat Mubarak to all of you. May tomorrow's morning bring you lots of joy. While some of you must be having your Eid today, so Eid Mubarak!! *smiles*

Goodnight.

Lovely little things...

I am really looking forward to Eid. *grins* Just thinking about it is making me grin. Last year's Eid was awesome. The entire family gathered at my mama's place and it was great. The giggles, the gossips, the food (err.. not my thing though). Everything was fun. I remember BJ and Z. teasing me on my driving skills. They kept calling me driver and kept pestering me on how BJ forced Pa jani to get the car insured just because of me.

Oh by the way, BJ thinks I'm a mad driver. Well, because one day I and BJ were coming back from my chachu's place and I was driving my car and he was driving his. Chachu's and our homes are close by so, we were using the service road instead of the main and it had gotten a little traffic-ky due to the double parking. So anyways, I got through it but BJ got stuck. Imagine that, lol. So, I had to wait for him. When we reached home, he narrated to Ami jani how quickly I by passed the jam. He said, he thought, 'Aaj tu gayee gaari... Jis speed se ye nikli hai... Allah khair...' lol.

By the way, I kind of agree with the male species, women drivers are dumb. Trust me. I'm not referring to myself though, lol. (Although, I might myself be dumb. Or not!) But generally speaking, women don't make good drivers. The only problem is that they kind of trouble others as well.

I am still a beginner but I am a little too good for beginner (Thanks to my coach: Chachu). I have no idea how did I manage to learn to drive. When I initially started learning, at times BJ and at times another driver Alauddin uncle used to teach us (me and my sisters). I remember I found it so hard to get the car moving in the first gear. I found it so hard to press the accelerator and leave the clutch simultaneously and consequently, I used to almost always end up stalling. It's all so bloody calculated bhaee.  BJ used to get pissed off. Allauddin uncle didn't use to say anything though. Anyhow, teen teen logon ki jee torr mehnat ke baad I mastered getting into the first gear. *smiles* Driving used to be fun initially. Now that I know how to drive, the charm has evaporated. *smiles*

I didn't really want to learn to drive but Pa jani wanted me to learn. He calls me his chhota driver. Actually he calls me chhotu, lol. Well because, I am his assistant electrician, carpenter, plumber, driver, et cetera. A handy-man (or girl), in short. *grins* Jack of all trades, master at none! Anyways, so he actually wanted us to be less dependent on the drivers. Because drivers are similar to electricity here in Pakistan, they keep coming and going, lol. Saeed bhai left. :( He decided he wanted to drive a larger vehicle, lol. Now, we've got Anwar bhai. I hope he doesn't leave anytime soon. He's a good person too. But Saeed bhai was so nice.

Drivers and massi's are my Ami jani's hugest dilemmas. Unki tu raat din ki neend haram hojati hai agar driver chala jaye ya jane wala ho. Ami huzoor is worried these days. She's pretty upset. She has lost some of her jewellry. She has looked everywhere but to no use. Please pray that she finds her things back. Insha'Allah.

Umm... Oye guess what! I haven't been to shopping the entire Ramazan. Not even once. Can you believe that? *grins* I despise shopping. As astonishing as it may sound to you, but yes. I don't have the stamina required for shopping. Mera bas chalay tu mere liye koi aur shopping karliya karay. However, I am not that lucky. I happen to be a bit picky. So, my sisters and mother don't risk buying things for me until and unless I beg them too. It doesn't mean I don't love clothes or shoes or et cetera. In fact, I love everything except shopping. Despite this fact, I have to shop. And surprisingly, this time I haven't been out at all. However, my tayari is complete. How? Long story.

I talk too much. This will end here.

Good night.