My sister thinks.... I'm going to fall in love.

*agitated sigh*

Oh God no! Please, no! Not me! Not me! Not me too! Damnit.

*runs amuk*

What we call love, is a very stupid thing, y'know.

I loved you when you were little. Weak. Alone. I stood by you, when everyone else thought you were at fault. And well, they used to be right. But I just hated it when someone scolded you.

I was your shield.

Yes, I had to hear things for saving you even when you were wrong, even when you rightly deserved a good scolding. But it didn't matter. It didn't matter to me. Because I loved you. I fought for you. For all the wrong reasons, I know. You were never right. You were a brat. But it still didn't matter.

And now... *weary smile* You don't remember any of it, do you? Guess you were too young to notice.

It hurts a bit, but hey, I'm alright! *smiles*

Sighs.

♥

Cyber world is creepy.

Z could have been a hacker, and that too a successful one.

I was having an issue while running a file, so I bugged Z to resolve that. Z asked me to connect my phone to the computer. I did. Z established a connection with my system through my phone's GPRS using an SSL. Din Diharay intrusion, woh bhi with my permission. *worried* Well, it wasn't din diharay, to be precise.

Anyways, so Z actually used my system right in front of my eyes. I could see my mouse cursor moving, and windows popping in and out. It was kind of creepy, really.

Once Z was done, I shrieked, "Get out of my computer. Now!" To which, Z couldn't help, but laugh.

Any-the-how, I have got so many games stacked up. I'v got:

i) NFS Hot Pursuit- Reloaded -- They launched a sequel to Hot Pursuit. Yay!! And what's the best part? The cops have cars faster than yours. Haha. And what the best-est? You can choose sides. Double Yay!! You can either be a cop or a racer. I'll be a racer, zahir hai!

ii) Call of Duty 4 - Yes, yes. I know it's old. I haven't played yet. So, it's new for me. You may shut up now. *grins*

iii) Black Ops - This is last year's too.

iv) AOE III - Okay. I know this is way old. But, there's a long story associated with the reason why haven't I completed it yet. So, anyways I'll complete it this time, Insha'Allah.

So, you see. I've been totally out of the gaming scene. Way out. I've lots of catching up to do. Haye!! When will I get to play? *sad face*  ACCA has ruined me. It has. It has. I hate it. And, to top it off, I'm working. Sighs. Once I'm done with ACCA, I'll do a degree in journalism/ mass comm. or textile designing may be. Or... something really weird. Or, I'll just get married. Haha.

OYE!!!!!!!

I'm going to be a phupho again!!! Like after around 15 years. Whoa. Although, I've had a good lot of nieces and nephews in the past decade, but they are my cousins' kids. However, this time it's my pagal brother (the second one). Triple Yay!!!  I'm so happy. Masha'Allah. Masha'Allah.

But then, he's so far away. *sad face* *slaps herself* Don't be sad, you idiot.

Let's think of names! If it's a boy, we can name him Zain-ul-Abideen, or *snaps fingers* Kazim, or I don't know.... waysay, I loveeee the name Abbas, but we already have an Abbas in our family.

If it's a girl, we can name her Fizza? Err... I can't think of many girl names... However, there's this one name that's jumping up and down inside my head. However, nope. Not that. Because, I've saved that name for my daughter. *curls toes* (If ammi finds this out, I'm so roasted.)

I don't know. Will you help? Waysay I'm being too impatient, because there's plenty of time to come up with good names for my niece/nephew. May everything go perfectly fine, Ameen.

What's wrong with Federer, man!? *shakes head* I think his reign might just be getting over. Anyways, I like Rafa too. So, I'm happy as long as one of them keeps winning the day.

This was too long. Phew. I talk too much. Don't I? Z says I talk non-stop (whenever I do, that is). I gotta go. I need to drink water. My throat feels all parched up. *makes a weird face*

*grins*

P.S. I've been feeling like a kid, lately. And, my posts reflect that. Hmm. No clue, what's up.

P.P.S. Furree Katt, I read all your comments, and it was actually fun because I got to read my old posts. Rest assured, I will reply to your comments *winks* as I have a thing for commenting. *grins* Thank you so very much.

Of fools and love...

They say I'm a fool because I'm a lover, and that too an unconditional one. I love people regardless of any and everything. Is that foolishness, you tell me?

My axis

I love the extent to which I drive BJ crazy. I drive everybody insane but let's just talk about BJ today. I sometimes feel he wants to eat me kacha. *insert the same old dheet smile again* Oh well,  he doesn't leave any stone unturned either, during his endeavours towards driving me mad.

Eik tu I don't like eating and then he kept on bugging me during dinner today. I was on th brink of a huge break out, I swear. I was just this close to leaving my plate and walking away with anger. He kept nudging me while I was eating and God! Was that irritating. But then, I loved how I messed up his hairs totally and then started pulling at them. (Who'd say he's so many years older than me? *grins*)

He keeps calling me bil'li (a cat, that is). If not billi then Aiman. My name is NOT Aiman. I wish he'd stop calling me that, lol. I sometimes tend to forget what my real name is, huh? He insists I and Bj both are 'certified pagals'. He denies any relation with any of us. Yeah, right. *smiles* But he loves me soooo. And, he's the cutest person. The most seedha insaan on earth that I've come across. And he receives so many scoldings from papa and ami. Aww. I love you BJ. I don't really like when they scold you. Only I can be bad with you. *Insert an evil laugh*

I pray for you always always always. I pray for you to have a wonderful life, to be blessed with a gazillion more blessings from Allah Saa'iin, to always be happy, to be safe and, to have a strengthened faith in Him. I always pray for you, Bj and papa. You guys are the axis around which my life revolves. I love you guys so much. Yes, I am very arrogant at times, I know. *squirms* Forgive me, please. I really love you.

Evolution

Love. It isn't what it once used to be, is it?

It is a magnificent piece of literature that has lost its charm in translation.

A once-marvelous work of architecture that has lost its wonder at the hands of time. Now but a remnant suggesting a beautiful structure that once stood with all its air.

A holy scripture that has been adulterated over centuries. And now, is anything but close to its true sacred form.

A religion, once divine, recreated and corrupted by man. A religion that has been robbed off of all divinity and sanctity.

That my dear, is love as we know it.

My Fofo

O, I love thee so very much!

Mohabbat Mar Nahin Sakti

"KION?"

Yes, that is exactly my question. Aray bhaee! Kion nahin mar sakti? Matlab mujhey koi iss baat ki mantaq sumjhaye. Iss duniya mein har cheez ko fana hai tu Mohabbat mein kya anokha hai? Mohabbat kion ker lafaani hai? Mohabbat kis khushi mein mout se mustasna hai?

Mohabbat mar sakti hai! Han! (Oh and mind you!) Mera ishara eik begharz kisam ki mohabbat ki taraf hai. Han, tu baat ye hai ke mohabbat mar sakti hai kion ke koi bhi cheez humesha baqi nahi rehti siwaye Uss ke jo har cheez ka Khaaliq hai. Ab dekhiye na, mohabbat bhi Rab ki khilqat hai. Khuda ne takhleeq kiya mohabbat ko aur bohat sarii cheezon ki tarah matlab- Mohabbat bhi makhlooq/khilqat hai! Ab jab ke insaan jo ke "ashraf-ul-makhloqaat", yani tamam makhloq se afzal, jab usay he mout se koi istasna hasil nahi tu phir yeh mohabbat kya cheez hai janab?

Hosakta hai aap ko ikhtilaf ho meri ra'ye se balke ain mumkin hai ke aapko aitraaz ho. Kijye! Bilkul kijiye, shoq se kijiye- aapko haq hasil hai. Magar mein is mein aapki koi madad nahi karsakti jab tak ke aap mujhey koi mazboot aur wazni kisam ki koi mantaq nahi paish karte.

Yeh mera "aarzi" falsafa hai. Aap apni kahiye? Mein sarapa sama'at hon. Ab aap ko aitraaz hoga ke yeh "aarzi" falsafey se meri kya murad! Tu janab, iss baat se murad yeh hai ke... Iss saray falsafey mein eik loophole hai- ab woh loophole kya hai yeh mein, bohat ma'zarat ke saath, aapko nahi bataongi. Aap ko Allah ne dimagh zahir hai istemal karne ke liye he diya hai lehaza istemal kijiye. Khair, tu iss loophole ki waja se  bilkul abhi abhi eik aur khayal mere zehan mein aya hai aur woh yeh hai ke...

Mohabbat is one of the types of energy.

And don't all of us know what the mash'hor-e-zamana law about energy is.Yes. "Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another."

You know what am I thinking now? Exactly. What does it become when mohabbat changes form?

Hmm... *shrugs*

P.S. This post is a product of sheer randomness. Please bear with me. *grins*

Jal-Thal

I lied.

I still love you

I was not sure anymore but today when it came again. I had to accept and surrender in front of it. I suppose I was just mad at it for being gone for so long. I suppose I was just very angry at it for not missing me. For not having time for me. For meeting others. For making them laugh and giggling with them, while I passed my days and nights watching the clear skies and lamenting over it. I suppose I was mad at it for leaving me on my own and turning a blind eye towards me. For being inconsiderate to the fact that I was yearning for it to come and pour on me until every inch of my existence was drenched in it. I was just angry. My anger had blurred my view and all I could see was my anguish and my feelings against it.

It came yesterday. It came before that too. But it did not matter to me. As the beads of water falling down on the ground caught my eye I turned my gaze away. I felt disinterested. The raindrops tapped on my window but I refused to listen. I rather found more fascination in staring at a blank wall than paying any attention to the noise of the rain. Yes, it sounded noise to my ears. There was no song anymore. It kept calling my name for a while then perhaps discouraged by my indifference, it went away. A smirk embraced my lips. "So that was it, uh? That was all you got? Gave up so soon?"

This peekaboo played by the rain made the weather a bit more heavy. It grew hotter and  suffocating. The land was venting out its heat.

I needed a vent too. I felt frustrated too. The clouds came once again yesterday. The rain made a touchdown once again. It tried appeasing me but I maintained my "rootha howa sanam" stance. I wanted it to try a little harder. Deep down I had a fear sitting in a corner of my heart with knees drawn to the chest and with arms clenching the legs tightly. Afraid that probabaly I was pushing a little too much over the edge. Afraid that it might stop trying altogether and leave me again- for good, perhaps. The cocoon that I had created around myself had started cracking already. It was only a matter of a few more knocks and I would have come out of it. But what if the knocking stops before the shell breaks open. And as I feared, the tappings stopped. There is only a certain limit against which you can push others. The anguish started encircling me again.

Then came today, I had no hopes of it coming back. But for some reason it did. It came and returned triumphant. Today it came with an adamant attitude. It poured and poured. It roared louder and louder. I had to give in. I gave in. After all, there is only a certain limit against which you can push yourself too. And as I gave in, it seemed to smile at me. The raindrops kissed all over my face as one kisses a beloved on seeing him/her after a long long time. I smiled at its madness too. "So the feeling was mutual, I see.." I laughed.

After a good enough spell of rain, the land has cooled down and now seems in bliss. The downpour has washed the dust off the roads, houses, buildings, trees- and hearts. The brisk breeze stops by every now and then and whispers something in my ears and paints a smile across my lips.

Yes, I lied. I still love you, dear rain.

Life's FAQ#1

Q: Mera Dimagh Itna Kharab Kion Hai?

Ans: Mera dimagh kharab hai because I have been loved... excessively and unnecessarily. 

*shrugs*

This answer forfeits every right that I thought I had to complain.

 I need to change. Not for myself, but for those who love me unconditionally. 

Aur Bhi Gham Hain Zamaane Mein Muhabbat Ke Siwa

The title of the last post makes me sound like a lovesick person. Funny. Yes, I was sad. But 'love and similar disasters' were not the one to blame. There were 'other' reasons behind that. I can assure you. Precisely, none of my posts that are dripping with despair hold love as their culprit. Being lovesick is out of my league. I do not really believe in 'love as in love'. What I mean is, love is not a ground reality, so as to speak. Love is.... It is surreal. Pure fiction. Therefore, I do not really believe in love. Not my thing, eh.

I love what Faiz Ahmed Faiz sahib says. It is beautifully cruel.

                   Laut jaati hai idhar ko bhi nazar kyaa kije
                   Ab bhi dilakash hai teraa husn, magar kya kije
                   Aur bhi gham hain zamaane meiN mohabbat ke siwa
                   RaahateiN aur bhi haiN vasl ki raahat ke sivaa

So yeah, love is not my cup of tea. Having said that, I must admit, "Holy God! What an outrageous liar I am!" LOL. It does not matter how many times I repeat that I do not believe in love, it will always bounce back to me like an echo and remind me what a pathetic liar I am. As funny as it might sound to some, I often try to escape love. I try to run away. But then soon enough I realise that I am running in circles only and so I obviously find myself right where I started- with love- again. Mhm.

However, I must say that love has become a cliché for the commonplace girl/boy loves boy/girl thing. Yes, I said commonplace and you can take all the offence you want. I don't know. I am not a big fan. Nonetheless, it does not mean I am against love. Oh no, no! It is, indeed, very essential. I am just, well, how should I put it? I am just against some kinds of love. There. Now that was a nice way of putting it. LOL

So anyways, I was saying that I am being a blatant liar when I say that I do not believe in love. Yes, that is true, I am afraid. That is so because I am a lover. An impulsive and compulsive lover. I love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. And I must confess, love hurts. It hurts in places that you did not even know existed inside you. All kinds of love hurt. But, there can be different reasons to the question "why it hurts?"

I know why my love(s) hurts. (I know just about everything, my problems and their solutions, and yet I loiter on the paths of my life wearing my ignorance cloak, listlessly. What to do with such enforced oblivion? What to do? Arw rightly calls me a "knowledgeable jaahil" ) Love has happened to hurt me often too because I've never succeeded in pulling off the balancing act. I always mess with the balance of things. Hence, the outcomes are pretty much err.. logical. I am way too possessive and it successfully leads me down the abyss of despair. From tiniest things to colossal matters, from my mother to my friends, I am almost always so overbearing. Let me put it in a nutshell. I am a spoiled brat. There, done.


P.S. This is so not what I had in my mind to write about. It is not even anything similar to it. Ugh. I am a spoiled brat and I have a dangerously high tendency to diverge. Period.