Hold my hands...

I need someone to hold me by my hand and drag me out of this; save me from drowning in the dark waters of self-inflicted misery.

I'm dying again..
I'm going under,
Drowning in you,
I'm falling forever,
I've got to break through,
I'm going under...

Yaad-e-maazi

(This is exactly a couple of years old. I wrote this when my khala died in Feburary 2008. Just found it lying in my usb.)

O DEAR FRIEND OF MINE...

I, with my solitude, am thinking, as it is all that I can do. I am going through an intense sense of emptiness. This is really strange; something is missing. For some reason, today, I desire merely the company of my solitude. I do not want to speak or vent out my feelings; I want my thoughts to stay on this path of anguish. I know the woes lessen when shared, but I do not wish to share them. I wish to remain enclosed in the self-made shell of estrangement and loneliness. I know, my dearest, you want me to break-free from this shell of agonizing thoughts. But I am sorry, I like it otherwise; I like the agony. I like the pain and grief as they sting my heart. I do not want to smile as every single moment I force myself to smile; something snaps inside me. My sight has turned blind towards the colours of life; everything is gray from now on. The streets are crowded yet, I am alone. You walk by my side dear friend, and yet, I feel deserted. All these sounds making a cacophony and yet there is a deadly silence that pierces my ears. Please leave me, my dear! Leave me to my solitude, as I wish to endure this pain, the pain… of losing a beloved for an eternity.

WeIRd-nEss ATtaCK

I am NOT SAD!!! By now, I've got weary of telling myself so. But this IS a fact! Currently, there are NO WOES chasing me. Alhumdolillah. However, I am NOT feeling very (or even a little) delightful. I am feeling very low. Feeling, as such, is not new to me in fact, it is very typical. But, there are always reaons (nevermind the lameness) behind me acting in a particular manner. And right now, I am feeling absolutely....... off the wall... outlandish... for reasons, unknown. *sighs*

Despair

Tu Meri Qaid Mein Youn Bhi Nahin Hai,

Agar Hota Tou Kya Azad Karta.......??

When I am dead, my dearest..

Death isn't a good enough distraction.

Someone died. I did not. Nevertheless, I will too. But something struck me hard a few weeks back. I saw people unaffected by as eternal a loss as a death of a beloved. Not all, but some. Our lives are too beautiful, MashAllah but is death so trivial a matter to have had enough strength to have disrupted our lives for even a little a while? It scares me. Death will, one day, conquer my life too. Will I be forgotten too? So soon?

We are so deeply immersed in the mundane affairs of this life that even death fails to digress our attention. We are busy walking on our own self-centered paths without even halting for a moment to look ahead and see where it actually leads to. We want to walk. We are not concerned whither to the roads lead. Death often stands by the pavements and watches us pass by looking all blithe and unconcerned. It stands there everyday, looks at us and curls its toes. Nothing more than a bystander, is it? It feels neglected. Just like a plagued part of our lives that we have very apathetically amputated and thrown away. But the question is, can it really be amputated? And if it can be, then do we think throwing it away is enough? Do we think it cannot grow back?

It can and it does.

Death is the most concrete reality of life. If you are ALIVE, you WILL be DEAD. Sooner or later.

When I am dead, my dearest,

Sing no sad songs for me;

Plant thou no roses at my head,

Nor shady cypress tree:

Be the green grass above me

With showers and dewdrops wet;

And if thou wilt, remember,

And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,

I shall not feel the rain;

I shall not hear the nightingale

Sing on, as if in pain:

And dreaming through the twilight

That doth not rise nor set,

Haply I may remember,

And haply may forget.

--Christina Rossetti

A Little Unwell, A Little Impaired..

But I'm Not Crazy I'm Just A Little Unwell
I Know Right Know You Can't Tell
But Stay Awhile And Maybe Then You'll See
A Different Side Of Me
I'm Not Crazy I'm Just A Little Impaired
I Know Right Now You Don't Care
But Soon Enough You're Gonna Think Of Me
And How I Used To Be... Me

It's awkward how my expectations cling to me so strongly. It's as if they are glued to me with some sort of Super Glue. If I try real hard to scratch them off,  it would peel my skin off with it and I am assuming that would be ruthlessly agonizing. This is crazy. But I am not!! My brain is merely suffering from some kind of chemical imbalance (Sidra can enlighten me on this possibilty) :)

Anyways, this song brings back sweet old memories. The last time I listened to it was when it was released. I've hummed it often but never got to listen to it again. However, I'm listening to it right now- that makes around after 8 long years. Sighs. When I heard it for the first time I thought, "Wow! This is me!!"  I listen to it now and I think, "This is still me!!" 

I haven't deviated much, have I?

Umm... Not Sad, nope!

I am NOT SAD. I only wish I knew how my life manages to change gears in mere split seconds. One nanosecond I am ecstatic and terribly bewildered, the next. Some days Everyday(unhappy or not) I wish I could pack my expectations in a barrel and fill the barrel with hefty amounts of Francium (which, I just googled out, is the most explosive element in the periodic table)  and throw it in a sea. Now, you might wonder why on earth am I wishing to use an extremely rare explosive element and not flaming it. That is because Francium reacts with water!! Duh!! =P  If not that, I wish I could throw a bag with my expectations in it in a crater of a highly active volcano and watchand scoff as the lava devours my expectations. If not even that, I wish I could fling my expectations in a crazy tornado which rips them apart ruthlessly. Or may be if I could abandon them in a scorching desert and let the sands swallow them slowly but surely.

I am NOT SAD; this is anguish only. I have a beautiful life, Alhumdolillah, for which  I can never thank enough. I just want to escape from my expectations. I wish  could have sealed them in an envelope and posted it to Never Lands. Not the Never Land that Peter Pan grew up  (Oops I forgot people did not "grow up" there) lived. But the Never Land from which nothing ever returns. I often entice myself to believe that I should not expect more from people, whatever love/care is being showered upon me by them is momentary; it will soon cease to be. I try uber hard to beguile my heart and soul and occassionally, I succeed- or I assume I do. I often drown these absurd expectations in deep waters. I stand over and watch them while they drown, air bubbles pop on the surface of those dark waters and suddenly they stop. A smirk runs across my lips as I assure myself of there demise. But suddenly a bubble pops up and proclaims my defeat; the smirk vanishes and a void adorns my eyes.

I am NOT SAD, really. I just wish not to expect anything from anyone but, wishes are wild horses, aren't they? If not that, then atleast I should let others know what I expect off them. I cannot even do that, can I?

Anyways, I am NOT SAD.

[Or may be I'm M.I.D = Majorly In Denial (as Monique puts it in Kim Possible) =) ]

Yet another blessing to be indebted for...

HAPPY!!!!!!!!

=D

I cannot believe I passed those sucky papers.

To Audit and Financial Management: "Good bye!! It was nice knowing you, NOT!! Hope to see you again, NEVER!!"

Hahahahhahahahah!!!

Thank you ALLAH Ta'lah!!!!! Alhumdolillah!! I LOVE YOU!!!! And I am sorry that I never thank YOU enough for all the blessings that you've bestowed upon me!!

And the matter of fact is....

O.K.A.Y. I really don't have time for this (blog) right now =$..... Even though I've missed blogging as I've been a little detached. There is just so much that I've to catch up with... It's been days since I visited Sidra's blog, although I did manage to post her a belated B'day wish. My dashboard screams at me for my oblivion. There is just so much stuff that has happened, and some that has not but should have, that needs to be rattled on. But not now....! Now is not the time!

Right now... I am scared.

Yes, that is it.

That is the matter of fact: I AM SCARED.

Just a few more hours.... And all these shades of grey will turn either black or white. I do not which of the two colors should I wish for but I wish for the one that makes me happy. InshAllah.

Fasten my seat belts, thank you!

Whenever I take off, it ends in a crash landing everytime. The casualties are mild at sometimes while serious at others, depending upon a few of determinants: a)The altitude b) Safety gear (if any), et cetera.  And each and everytime I hit the ground, I tell myself:  "Hmph! I am so NOT going to take off again."

I am fluttering my wings again.... *sighs* Let's see how long can I stay airborne this time and when I won't me able to hold anymore, I will try to abstain from crash landings this time and may be pull off a decent touch down trick.   =)

Fatality

Death is the most concrete verity of this God-forsaken universe and yet, we fancy everything but this. Ironic.

Priority lists, random anguish, et cetera.

You know there are times when you feel so unimportant- ranking last in the priority list of those who rank first in yours. And then sometimes, you try, in vain, to exert your importance on them by trying to ignore them; and I must say, this endeavour, other than being tremendously excruciating, is awfully fruitless. The reason being the fact that those people were not paying enough attention to you in the first place, to have noticed your new stance.

I don't know. How can we so easily let others trample our self-respect. We need to learn- to learn to separate our emotions and our self-esteem and we also need to assign them they appropriate status. And most of all, something we should never forget, we should always try our best not to relinquish our esteem for our emotions even if it demands fighting one's own self, because this is something worth fighting for.

We should just stop bothering our heads off for people who do not care for us- at all. Whereas, I also need to stop addressing my issues with a "we" instead of an "I".

Meri Zaat Zara e BeNishaan

So, yesterday I was watching a drama serial "Meri Zaat Zara e BeNishaan". I am not interested in narrating what has happened until this date... The only thing that I am interested in mentioning is what agony it impregnated me with yesterday.

Mein woh kis tarha se karon bayan
Jo kiye gaye  hain sitam yahan
Sunay kon meri yeh dastaan
Koi humnasheen na koi razdaan

Saba had been accused of infidelity by her own mother-in-law cum. aunt. She was to be cast out of the house and the  family. She tried proving her innocence- in vain. Her own husband's heart was becoming dusty with doubt. (I often wonder is it love that is omnipotent or does suspicion has a power to overthrow it.) She still had an unreasonable faith on Arfeen (her husband). She was delusional.  Her aunt pledged upon the Quran that her accusation was true. Then came her turn and when she was asked to take an oath.... She refused. There was a disbelief in all eyes, especially her aunt's. I wonder why the disbelief, they had already pronounced her an infidel. Arfeen divorced Saba right away.

Jo tha jhoot woh bana sach yahan
Nahi kholi meiney magar zuban
Yeh akelapun, Yeh udasiyan
Meri zindagi ki hain tarjuman

For a few moments, my mind was stark blank. I could not reason why did she refuse. Her refusal proved her guilty out-rightly. But then it dawned upon me. She was defeated by her own love, her own hopes and her inept faith.She watched as her world fell apart as easily as a castle made out of playing cards. Her refusal to vow, her voluntary surrender reminded me of a poem I had scribbled in my early teens.

Defeat Whispers...
Sometimes, at some places
You lose everything you ever had
You feel as if all efforts were worthless
As if all you ever believed was merely a hoax
And all you thought to real was an illusion
You feel as if you've lost the battle
Lost it, before it even began
Yes, sometimes
Everything ends before it can begin
Sometimes,
Defeat comes closer to you,
Holds you, Embraces you
And gently whispers in your ears,"I'm yours... You, belong to me"
And then, you silently retreat
Return, like a warrior
Who failed himself
Without being able to try
Who lost all he ever had.
Yes, everything...

The disbelief in her eyes does not escape my mind. She had such a formidable faith in Arfeen. He was her entire world. And her entire world came crumbling down right in front of her eyes, by sole courtesy of Arfeen Abbas. Ironic, isn't it?

Mein bataon kya mujhe kya milay
Mujhe sabr he ka sila milay
Kisi yaad he ki rida miley
Kisi dard he ka sila milay
Kisi gham ki dil mein jaga milay
Jo mera hai woh mujhe aa milay

People should never vest their hopes in people. But it's funny, how frequently we DO things that we should NEVER. And when it hurts, no one is to be blamed but our own pathetic selves. Others do not wrong us, it is we, who wronged ourselves in the first place.

Absconder

As the darkness prevails

And,

The dim moonlight embraces the water

I see some shadows lurking around

Chasing me and haunting me

Like ghosts of a dark past

I find no place to hide

So,

I wonder how long am I going to last….

Stream of conciousness

I am wondering... how can I manage to be so serious at a moment and awfully droll the next?? Happy at one instant and then so dreary immediately after that? All-so-wise at a moment and so absurd the next? SO angry at a moment and bursting out in laughter just an instant later? By the way, the last scenario, only my pa jani can execute flawlessly. *I'm missing him* Yeah, so I was saying what stark difference I manage to strike in my attitude just within a shift of a few moments. Just compare the last two posts. They are- black and white. It's crazy! Am I crazy? No, I am not! You are crazy! Crazy! By the way, I don't write stories; because I CANNOT. Stories are not my thing, I can rant and ramble through my writing and may be manage to pull off a prose or a free-versed poem (if only there exists such a form). I do good with stream of consciousness writing although, when I first heard the term in my General class from Mrs. Khan back in A-levels, it sounded so intricate. Little did I know then that it quiet resembles my blathering on paper. Yeah, so stories are not my thing; they need coherence and I'm so sorry to report that I have none, not even tinsy winsy. But, I managed to pull it off, the resonance, it's not very wonderful but it's simple and I kind of like it *blushes* By the way it's not finished (or it might be, don't know). It's sweeeet, how this post has no paragraphs. *smiles*

Okay, I'll start a new paragraph (coz' you are insisting so much). Had I written such a long paragraph back in English General, Mrs. Khan would have deep fried me. By the way, the above one is exceptionally crazy, but I did have tendencies to write lengthy paragraphs. =) And actually, I used to write exceedingly long sentences hence, the lengthy paragraphs. Anyways, so I woke up extra early today because Saeed bhai (our driver) did not turn up and so my sister asked me to drop her off at her school. Yupe, I drive and I drive well. My big B says I drive fast. Well, technically, he meant faster than beginners should drive but I'm sure he agrees I'm sprinting on my way to become a fine driver. After all, my Chachu taught me how to drive and he is one crazy but swift driver. Yeah, so anyways. I think I should wake up earlier than i usually do because it makes me so cheery. =)

Stupidopidopidity

I feel..... *oh I feel! Not so numb anymore, are we?*... silly. Err.. not sure if silly describes it best. I also feel tiny. Microscopic, to be precise. *Hellow!!? Can you see me? I'm here... HERE!!  Watch out man!! you could've  stepped on me, idiots!! huh!*

Nah... not really... I'm fancying again.... I guess *scratches head*

Resonance...

She gazed abstractedly at the first winter rain pouring outside. She watched as the raindrops collided with the window pane and died the next moment. They just don’t know when to stop trying, do they? The room was warm but just when as touched the glass pane, all the warmth vanished. The chills traveled from her palm to every single vein in her body. A flat smile ran across her lips. You cannot soak the fire inside me, can you? She leant her face against the cold glass. An equally cold sigh escaped her crimson lips.

Blankly staring at the reflection in the window, she saw a silhouette nearing her. His shoulders brushed hers for a quarter of a second. He leant his shoulder against the wall. Her pupils did not react to the commotion around her. 

  

He looked outside for a moment then turned his gaze to her face again. Her eyes, he loved them. But he noticed something extra-ordinary in them; he couldn’t say what but something… 

  

“Beautiful…” 

He pronounced while fixing his stare at her eyes. 

“Yeah…” 

She replied faintly without interrupting her gaze. 

A smile ran across his lips at her ignorance. 

“I love you.” 

Something pierced her ears and froze her. 

She didn’t want to look in his eyes; afraid he might notice the flames burning inside her. 

A weary sigh released from her lips, she realized she had forgotten to inhale. 

“I love you.” 

He whispered yet again. 

Still as a stone, she did not react to any stimuli as if her sensory receptors had refused to work. 

  

He took her hands in his; they were as cold as ice. Overcoming his instinctive reflex, he brought her hands to his lips and kissed, not just out of love but out of esteem. 

  

A drop of water trickled down the glacier.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

J'adore

Dear Federer,

Ohhh..... I'm falling in love again!!! =)

I love you when you get all pink-eyed and teary..... =D Even when you win.

 

Dreamy...

Suave....

Awfully classy....!!! *J'adore*

 

You have you own air, you know.....

BTW, I know you're taken.... =P that's sad nevertheless, I'm happy for you as you two make a cute couple.... And you just had a daughter who's a few months old or so, right... Haven't seen her but I'm sure she's as adorable as you two are =)

And again....... I'm loosing my grip on words =)

I am thinking of flooding this post with your photos but.... I think I'll stop here...

Love,

Ann.