Why so serious, my friend?

Fed smashed Wawrinka with such ease. Oh it was lovely watching the match!

Well, I woke up for Fajr (which I haven't been doing lately- God! Why have I started missing my prayers).  And then, didn't go back to bed because... oh well, it doesn't really concern you so why bother knowing? (I don't want to burden your little brains with an overdose of information, see I'm kind enough.) So anyways, I switched on the TV, and after skipping a few useless channels, star sports popped up and I realised, 'oye! it's tuesday! Aaj tou match tha!' Khair, it turned out I was fairly lucky as the match had just started.

Let's thank Z, for Z was the reason  I didn't go to bed after Fajr.

Something really funny happened on the breakfast table. Something nahin, something(s) actually.  Hehe.

I'm a chatter-box as you must have ascertained already. A very choosy and reserved chatter-box, though. *grins*

Incident # I:

Discussing politics. ******************** This info is censored *************** Hehe. Khair, then papa says to mum. "bas Sindhi's are a very lazy qaum". Well, he actually said 'had-haram". Lol.

I said to ammi in a low voice, "Bilkul papa, mujhe he dekh lain."

I called my self  a 'had-haram'.

Mum burst into (subdued) laughter.

Papa didn't notice and went on, "Achay khaasay parhay likhay lougon ka bhi ye hi haal hai."

Me ( still in a lowly voice): "Wahi tou mein keh rahi hon"

Mum: still laughing.

Papa: "And especially, interior side per tou bohat zyada aisa hai"

Me: "Nope papa, baray baray shehron mein rehne walon ka bhi yehi haal hai, khud he dekh lain."

Mum: laughing

Papa: "Aur sab se buri baat interior ki ke mard bethay hotey hain aur unki wives are forced to do the odd jobs"

Mum, stops laughing and objects: "Na sa'iin, this is true for the Riyastiis only."

Me: "Ha, ha, Sindhyon ki tou wives bhi ghar per bethi rehti hain"

Mum goes into a fit of laughter. And, this time papa asks what is she laughing about.

Hehe.

I can be a clown.

Incident # 2:

 I was paka-ing ammi on how happy I'm that I didn't sleep and got to watch the match. So, I was telling her and everybody else (including papa) how Wawrinka smashed his racquet and how it got totally bent. And this is how it went on:

Me: So it was a fiber racquet na, that's why it didn't snap into two. But he threw it so hard, uff.... it folded into half. Per ammi I don't like it when players throw their bats or racquets, it's not un-sportsmen-like.

Ammi, who was silently listening to me babble, uttered:

'Jaani, yeh tou kuch bhi nahi. Had you been in their place, my child, you would have thrown your gears not on the ground, but aimed them at your opponent's face. Sar phaar dena tha tum ne tou unka.'

Uff... Everybody started laughing so bad. I was so embarrassed. *smiles sheepishly*

Haye Allah! I'm so notorious.

Sighs.

♥

Cyber world is creepy.

Z could have been a hacker, and that too a successful one.

I was having an issue while running a file, so I bugged Z to resolve that. Z asked me to connect my phone to the computer. I did. Z established a connection with my system through my phone's GPRS using an SSL. Din Diharay intrusion, woh bhi with my permission. *worried* Well, it wasn't din diharay, to be precise.

Anyways, so Z actually used my system right in front of my eyes. I could see my mouse cursor moving, and windows popping in and out. It was kind of creepy, really.

Once Z was done, I shrieked, "Get out of my computer. Now!" To which, Z couldn't help, but laugh.

Any-the-how, I have got so many games stacked up. I'v got:

i) NFS Hot Pursuit- Reloaded -- They launched a sequel to Hot Pursuit. Yay!! And what's the best part? The cops have cars faster than yours. Haha. And what the best-est? You can choose sides. Double Yay!! You can either be a cop or a racer. I'll be a racer, zahir hai!

ii) Call of Duty 4 - Yes, yes. I know it's old. I haven't played yet. So, it's new for me. You may shut up now. *grins*

iii) Black Ops - This is last year's too.

iv) AOE III - Okay. I know this is way old. But, there's a long story associated with the reason why haven't I completed it yet. So, anyways I'll complete it this time, Insha'Allah.

So, you see. I've been totally out of the gaming scene. Way out. I've lots of catching up to do. Haye!! When will I get to play? *sad face*  ACCA has ruined me. It has. It has. I hate it. And, to top it off, I'm working. Sighs. Once I'm done with ACCA, I'll do a degree in journalism/ mass comm. or textile designing may be. Or... something really weird. Or, I'll just get married. Haha.

OYE!!!!!!!

I'm going to be a phupho again!!! Like after around 15 years. Whoa. Although, I've had a good lot of nieces and nephews in the past decade, but they are my cousins' kids. However, this time it's my pagal brother (the second one). Triple Yay!!!  I'm so happy. Masha'Allah. Masha'Allah.

But then, he's so far away. *sad face* *slaps herself* Don't be sad, you idiot.

Let's think of names! If it's a boy, we can name him Zain-ul-Abideen, or *snaps fingers* Kazim, or I don't know.... waysay, I loveeee the name Abbas, but we already have an Abbas in our family.

If it's a girl, we can name her Fizza? Err... I can't think of many girl names... However, there's this one name that's jumping up and down inside my head. However, nope. Not that. Because, I've saved that name for my daughter. *curls toes* (If ammi finds this out, I'm so roasted.)

I don't know. Will you help? Waysay I'm being too impatient, because there's plenty of time to come up with good names for my niece/nephew. May everything go perfectly fine, Ameen.

What's wrong with Federer, man!? *shakes head* I think his reign might just be getting over. Anyways, I like Rafa too. So, I'm happy as long as one of them keeps winning the day.

This was too long. Phew. I talk too much. Don't I? Z says I talk non-stop (whenever I do, that is). I gotta go. I need to drink water. My throat feels all parched up. *makes a weird face*

*grins*

P.S. I've been feeling like a kid, lately. And, my posts reflect that. Hmm. No clue, what's up.

P.P.S. Furree Katt, I read all your comments, and it was actually fun because I got to read my old posts. Rest assured, I will reply to your comments *winks* as I have a thing for commenting. *grins* Thank you so very much.

I love my cousins.

Random title, I know.

Whenever I see numbers, in places where words should have been, I take them to be a ciphered text. Therefore, I tend to waste a lot of time deciphering them. And, usually fail. I'm terrible at deciphering codes. *smiles sheepishly*

I'm happy. My world's happy. Masha'Allah. I've awesome parents. Awesome brothers/sisters (Ok, my sisters are a little less than awesome, may be. Haha.) I wish they don't read this, otherwise I'll be more dead than I'm already. Younger sisters, sighs. Well, the feeling is mutual. They sigh at me too. *winks* Okay- Back to the awesome-ness list now. Awesome cousins. Awesome khandaan (well, except for a few dehshat-gard anasir). Hehe. If ammi jani reads/ hears (about) this, I'll be in trouble.

Well, once I was speaking to Shayan, a fellow trainee, about my cousins. And, guess what he said? He asked me if I was close to my cousins. I said yes, of course. He said he wasn't. He told me he met his cousins occasionally. On Eids and baraats, may be. I was like, 'whoa, really?' He said, he missed the fact that he didn't have such close ties with his family. I found it sad. But then, I know A LOT of people who never talk about their cousins and all (because, they don't interact much). M. nevers talks about her cousins, neither does Sh, not even Arw. Just me and Fofo, we are the ones gabbing about how fun our cousins are, et cetera, et cetera.

So, you see. My life's good. Masha'Allah.

I just whine, for the sake of it. Because, it kind of feels nice, you see. And then, everything isn't happy-happy always, right. There are downturns. Sad moments. Irritable moments. Angry moments! But, on the whole, everything's great. Alhumdolillah.

It's just that I'm a cynic. I'm sarcastic. Oooh. Way sarcastic, to be true! I can kill you with sarcasm. Beware, mine is not a comic version of sarcasm. It's bitter and very rude. However, cheer up- I won't kill you. Because, I'm not sarcastic all the time.

I can even make you laugh your lungs out but that happens very rarely. And, with a very few people only.

Ever heard about 'the look'? I can give you 'the look', that will make you believe it's all your fault. That you're so horrible. So awful. You may not admit, but you'll feel so damn bad. *smiles*

And when I'm up to something mischievous, Z says I get that roguish twinkle in my eyes that will tell you I'm up to something. My eyes let everything out, which isn't a good thing really. *frowns*

I can even make you cry.

By the way, it all sounds as if I do all this knowingly. However, that's not how it is. All these things were told to me by others. So, I didn't really know I could do so many things. *grins*

Anyways, enough with randomness. I'll end this post. And, write another one, may be. I'm in a mood for blogging (read: babbling/ranting/whining). Right now, I will have an orange, actually two, and go sit with papa for a while.

Ok, see you!

I'm so out of titles.

Z. bought me turtles three days ago. It was a surprise gift. My first surprise gift ever, I reckon. Um yeah, the first, as far as I remember.

I went to the hospital directly after work as ammi loog went to see F. and so, I had to pick them. I was so freakin' tired but as soon as I entered the room the weariness started to dim out. *smiles* Anyways, just as I entered, Annieo, B and R were leaving. F was better. S (my sister) had also come to see F. right from her uni. so was pretty tired herself. She asked ammi to leave and as we were about to leave F asked me to stay as I hadn't really got a chance to have a chit chat with her. I was a little apprehensive if ammi would allow me to stay back (for apparent reasons- or not so apparent, may be- may be it's just me- chor ki daari mein tinka, I guess :p). So anyways, I asked and ammi agreed. Just like that.

Then, it was just me, F and Z. Had a good time. Dr. H is funny and an acha insaan. Half my khaandaan goes to him. And while, he was cracking jokes on F, he looked at me for secondment, he did a double take and uttered, 'Oh yeh tou apni hai!'  *smiles* Doctors should have good humour. Z is awesomely humourous too but, Z isn't a doc. Uh well, not for humans (or even animals) at least. While we were at the hospital, S. called Z on the cell and said something which worried Z. Z didn't tell me what was up.

Ami had asked Z to drop me off once Aunta arrived. And, she got there pretty late. Once, she got there we took off. On the way, Z told me that Z has bought a pair of turtles for me but I was also told that one of them was dead already (that's what the call was about). I didn't know how t react. I was ecstatic but my glee wasn't reciprocated 'cause Z was sad about one of the turtles. I was sad too but, I was a bit too overwhelmed to be 'totally' sad. I had been looking for turtles since quite a few months. Had asked BJ. to get them for me but, he was too confused about which kind did I want. So, he wanted me to go to Empress Market with him which was so out of question, lol.

Z and I named him 'Aslan' after the Lion from Narnia. *grins* S. suggested 'Toofaan', lol. Ammi suggested 'Napoleon'. And, I was thinking of naming him after one of the Ninja Turtles, Michelangelo, perhaps. (I'm wearing a Ninja Turtles's sweat shirt right now ;) ) But for now, he's 'Aslan'. What do you think?

He's a baby and hence, so smaaaaalll. And, soo cute. I don't have a proper home for him yet because, it was a surprise and I wasn't a bit prepared. Therefore, I have made a temporary dwelling for him- in a tub. *smiles*

Z is so cute. This was the most awesome-est gift I ever received. Honest.

I asked Z to bring Eeman, Aminah and Hamza to see Aslan, today and they came. Hamza didn't come, though. The badmaash was asleep.

Um, what else? *smiles*

'Little girl... in her fairy tale world', that was my senior supervisor. Why did he say that, I have no clue. I wish I had replied him by saying, 'And since when did fairy tales started having audit firms in them, huh?' I told you, I wasn't job material. I'm so devastatingly pampered, I feel very vulnerable at times. However, a pleasant surprise is the fact that I have been pampered at work as well. Till date, at least. I find everybody so concerned about me and my problems, which feels really... nice. *smiles* Alhamdolillah.

Can I tell you something? Promise me, you won't throw stuff at me? Remember, how I bakwasified about being confused and indecisive and then later, about not taking up the contract and just completing the internship? Well.... I... I took the contract. (But, I don't plan to stay for three years). Uh, don't say anything. Please. I'm the most confused and the pagal-est person on this green blue earth, I know.

Papa is coming home. On monday, InshaAllah. Yayy!!

Umm.... There were actually other things that I wanted to write about too but, I don't remember any more. Uff! My memory is horrible, with a capital 'H'!

The knowing...

Can you look right through me? Can you really read the faded engravings on my face that others cannot?

Is it that obvious? Or are you just a keen observer?

How can you read me? How can you discover what I've tried to veil ever since? How can you know?

You know who I am. You have found out what I had purposely concealed behind the curtains of my errors. And surprisingly, I am glad someone did. But, the someone would be you... I never thought like that.

How come they don't see it? How come? Those who proclaim their love for me, who profess to know me. Why can't they see what you saw?

You saw the real me. Is it the blood ties? No. It can't be. I'm tied with the same ribbons of blood to them as well but, they didn't see. You did.

How can I ever tell you how glad I feel? Knowing that someone knows who you really are despite being wrapped in a hundred veils, is elating.

It came. It went away.

Eid Mubarak. *smiles*

I have had a wonderful Eid- packed with joy and happiness. I want to write about it but... I'm out of words. Or perhaps, not in mood right now. But you get the point, don't you? *grins* I hope you had an equally great Eid.

The brief Eid break ends tonight. Back to work from tomorrow. *frowns*

The mehndi that A. put on my palms just yesterday whispered something to me just now. *smiles* It told me I've come a long long way. There were times I disliked henna. I liked how nice it looked on everybody else but I never wanted to have it on my hands. I was nothing even close to a girl. When I look at Eeman, she reminds me of myself as a kid. I gave my ami such a tough time. She used to worry about me so much. She often wondered, Kya hoga iss larki ka. She was especially worried about my dressing style. I always, always had my denims on and few of my favourite shirts that I used to wear over and over again. How much I despised the eastern attire. My ami used to request aunta to speak to me about it. She used to ask A. and B. to lure me into believing how good I looked in kameez shalwar and similar attires. And now... Look at me. *smiles and shakes head*

People change. Change is inevitable, isn't it? *smiles*

Wishes, letters and more...

I hated you for the initial ten years of my life. Then, I loved you for the next ten. I guess it's time to hate you again- for another ten years. *smirks* I see the change has already set in. Whoever said human feelings cannot follow a pattern. There is a pattern, don't you see? It is cyclical. Ha.


I think I should abstain from such bakwaas for tonight, at least.

It's Chand Raat. It's going to be Eid tomorrow. Yayee! Guess what, I received a text from an unknown number that read, "Happy moon night =P". Okay, whatever, lol.

Sighs. I am missing so many people. *frowns* Uh, okay no, not many, I am missing only a couple of people. I think I'll write some imaginary letters to them. Umm... Here they go.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Dear papa jani,

I miss you. I wish you were here.  I love it when you pick up the phone and I say, "Asalamalaikum papa jaaani" and you reply with a cheery, "Walekumsalam papa jaani". Pa, I love you. So very much. Tsk. Tsk. Have I ever told you that you are my only shield against ami's ghussa. *winks* Bet you never knew that. Oh God! I am missing you so much. I wish I could teleport to you and give you a very tight hug.

May my thoughts find you in the best of health. All of us are going to miss you on Eid. And again, before I end my letter, I love you. I always will.

Yours,

Ann.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Dear Bj,

I miss you, you fool. Had you been here, we'd be out roaming on the streets in the bazaars. As of now, I am reading The Lost Symbol. Imagine that. I am reading a book on chaand raat. However. S. and ZB. still have plans with BJ, so they will be going out once they come here. But, not me. I shall get back to reading.  

I want to hug you. It's been ages since I did that. And after hugging you, I'd really appreciate hitting you hard for making me miss you so much. That'll be all for you. Will be calling you in a while.

Yours,

Maassi.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

As for the rest of you, who are still somehow bearing with my goofiness- Chaand Raat Mubarak to all of you. May tomorrow's morning bring you lots of joy. While some of you must be having your Eid today, so Eid Mubarak!! *smiles*

Goodnight.

Why, thank you. I am feeling good...!

So, guess what?

I got in at the firm I interviewed. *amazed* I just got a call from them. Haha. I find this very amusing, horribly funny, to be precise. The mess that I made up at my first interview, I was not even expecting a call for the second interview. And not only did I get called for the second, I even got selected. That is hilarious, I tell you.

You want to know how did I mess my first-ever interview up? I will tell you (even if you don't want me to). *smiles* Okay so these Big Four accounting firms tend to ask you a lot from your syllabus. They might ask you anything from anywhere in the course of your studies. So, it is not just the usual job/internship kind interview, you see. It is only scarier. There was a panel of three people, a girl and two men. The girl was pretty sweet but- what use shall I put thy sweetness to, my dear- She hardly asked me anything. It was the two guys who were so inclined to play the rapid fire round with me. One of them was okay, a little casual in manner while the other was Ugh. Don't ask. He was so serious. Serious to the extent of being rude, you see. And he was the one asking the most hardest questions. Making up the most weirdest catch-22 situations and asking me, "What will your course of action be?" Hmph. He was evil. Meri masoom shakal per bhi reham nahin araha tha. He caught my words and used them against my very own self. *frowns* And I, I was adamantly trying to prove myself dumber than dumb. Everything that came out of my mouth, was in such stark contrast with what was inside my head. And it all seemed so dumb. I couldn't really notice the (uselessly)sweet girls expression on my answers but the guy who wasn't rude, I caught him hiding his smile by resting his hand on his mouth. Probably the smile was pretty obstinate and hence, it leaked from the corners. However, you know what? These two men who were in the panel, when I saw them moving here from there while I was waiting for the interview, I thought they might be internees or something like that. *grins* But no sir, one of them was the assistant manager I heard and the other must be something of that sort as well. The entire time, I wondered internship ke liye itnay papar bailne parte hain tu yahan job ke liye konsa pahar torrwatay hongay yeh loog. Anyways, so itniiiiiiiiii dair ke baad the interview ended and they asked me 'do you want to ask anything' and I blurted out a blatant 'no'. That is not impressive, I tell you. If you want to impress them, ask them some intelligent question, I've learnt. When I blurted out the 'no', the rude guy stared at me and repeated 'no?' and then I repeated 'no!'. Haha. I am so dheeet. So, yes, I messed up the entire interview except the fact that I was very confident while successfully messing it up. Oh and yes, I was smiling. No, no! It wasn't a cordial smile. The smile was merely a result of an attempt to suppress a huge outburst of laughter. I was so very well aware of my stupidity and hence, the smile.

After I got home, I narrated my messy memoirs to all and gave them a reason to laugh. I can be entertaining too, you know. So, I told my mother to rest assured that they won't call me again. But on the contrary, a few hours after I got back home my phone rang and hello! It was them. *smiles* I was literally astonished. I couldn't stop myself from laughing then. May be, I overrated my dumbness. Perhaps, I am not that stupid as I think. I guess, I wasn't all that bad (shayad unhain meri masoom shakal per reham aa he gaya) *insert an angelic smile here*. Anyways, I got a call for the second interview and they asked me to come the next day i.e. yesterday. I was pretty nervous yesterday, we were supposed to be interviewed by the dept. head so yes, that was creepy. The people who went before me were held for sooo long. Each of them took around half an hour or so. That further frightened me. Anyways, those of us who were waiting for our turns tried to calm our nerves by talking to each other. Thanks to this girl, who also happened to be a friend's friend, everybody gelled in. If it wasn't for her, I am sure I must have been sitting silently and others would have once again comfortably assumed me to be arrogant and proud. Whatever. Blah. When I was called in, the head greeted me sooo warmly. A lively smile painted across my lips. The first sentence he uttered was, "I have seen you some where..." Yes, he said that, lol. Anyways, so it was contrary to what I had expected. It went pretty well. Most of it was a one-way talk. He seemed like a nice man. By the way the head spoke, I presumed that those of us who have been called today will get selected. And I did!

I am happy. Risk Advisory is going to be interesting, I hope. It will be better than Audit, I am certain. It is a good opportunity. No, it is an awesome opportunity. I got in at one of the Big Four firms! Yayyy!! Wait! Wow! I applied to a big four firm, had my first interview ever and I got in. Whoa! I guess I am just very lucky. Alhumdolillah.

Long post, uh? *smiles* But you insisted on knowing. Oh wait! No, I was the insistent one. Haha. General knowledge is good, bhaee. You should have some too.

I am not feeling fine now.Actually, I am feeling good. Now that is a feeling, you see. I cannot assure you how long will this feeling last. I cannot tell you how long before I start feeling fine again. But nevertheless, I will try to feel good for as long as I can. *Does that count as optimism?* *grins*

Stay blessed...

Ramazan mubarak ho sab ko... *smiles*

Rain is...

Well, it depends...

*smiles*

Yes, it depends.

I had an awesome day today, Alhumdolillah. We went to BJ's today. (Oh! Notice that it is BJ and not Bj. There is a difference... of 7 years between the two *grins*) It rained cats and dogs. I just mentioned in a recent post that rain makes me feel like a kid again and so it did today. I felt like having shed 10 years off my age. I got wet in the rain. It got so so cold. My ears started aching because of the cool wind. Ah! It was wonderful (the mausam, of course, not the pain). I rode a bicycle after so many years. Um... I was a little scared because I had  sort of forgotten how to ride a bicycle but hey! I did not fall. Great, no? Sam has become so badmaash. He made fun of me. He exclaimed, "Aani, agar aap gadha gari wale se bhi race lagayn na tu woh jeet jayega..!!" *insert a sheepish smile here* We played foosball. BJ and ami think we play foosball like junglees. I tried convincing them that "aisa he khailte hain" but they refused to agree. We had raspberry and orange ice lolly. And.... I will be twenty-one this November. Haha.

I'm loving it. Thank you Allah saa'in.

Mere humdum, mere dost...

I was all pepped up to come up with a "happy" post but I am afraid it doesn't seem likely anymore. Oh and by the way, I shall tell you something. It is a lot easier to write up a somber, gloomy, bitter or a stingy post. It is very hard to come up with a post that is happy and a fair piece of writing simultaneously- at least for me it is. Even when I am not sad I can write fair expressions that howl melancholy. The reason being that for some reason sadness appeals me. I find it attractive- beautiful, in fact. This does not mean in any way at all that I like being sad. No, I merely said that for some inexplicable reason I feel drawn towards sad things. Where as happiness, is sort of elusive and a little eccentric as well. *smiles*

Anyways, this is a nazm by Faiz Ahmed Faiz that I first read when I was pretty young and even though I could hardly understand it, I fell in love with it.

Gar mujhey is ka Yaqee'n ho, mere Humdum, mere Dost

Gar mujhey is ka Yaqee'n ho keh tere Dil ki thakan

Teri Aankho'n ki udaasi, Tere seene ki Jalan

Meri Dil'joi...... mere pyar se mit jaye gi

Gar mera Harf-e-Tassalli woh Dawa ho jis se

Jee uthey phir tera Ujra howa Baynoor Dima'gh

Teri Peshani se Dhul jain yeh Tazleel ke Daa'gh

Teri Beemar Jawani ko shifa ho jaye

Gar mujhey is ka Yaqee'n ho, mery Humdam mery Dost...!

Roz-o-shab, sham-o-sehar main tujhey Behlata Rahoo'n

Main tujhey Geet sunata Rahoo'n... halkey... shiree'n

Aabsharo'n ke... Baharoo'n ke... Chaman zaro'n ke Geet

Aamd-e-subh ke... mehtaab ke... sayyaro'n ke Geet

Tujh se main husn-o-muhabbat ki Hiqayaat kahooN

Kaisey maghroor haseenao'n key Barfaab se Jism

Garm hatho'n ki Hararat se Pighal jatey hen

Kaisey ik chehrey key thehrey hoye manoos Naqoosh ,

Dekhtey Dekhtey yaklakht Badal jatey hain

Kis tarah Aarz-e-mehboob ka shaffaf Belou'r

Yak-ba-Yak Bada-e-Ahmar se Dehhak jatay hain

Kaisey Gulchee'n key liye jhukti hai khud Shakh-e-Gulab

Kis tarah Raat ka Ewaan mehak jata hai

Yuunhi Gata raho'n, Gaata raho'n teri khatir

Geet Bunta raho'n, Betha raho'n teri khatir

Per mere Geet, Tere Dukh ka mudawa hee nahi

Naghma Jarrah nahi, Moonis-o-Ghamkhaar sahi

Geet Nashtar to nahi, Marham-e-Aazaar sahi

Tery Aazaar ka Chara nahi, nashtar key Siwa

Aur yeh Saffak maseeha mery Qabzey me nahi

Is Jaha'n key kisi Zeeruuh key Qabzey me nahi

Haan magar...

Tery Siwa, Tery Siwa, Tery Siwa...!!

Conundrums and other fuzooliyaat

Main Entry: co·nun·drum

Pronunciation: \kə-ˈnən-drəm\

Function: noun

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 1645

1 : a riddle whose answer is or involves a pun
2 a : a question or problem having only a conjectural answer b : an intricate and difficult problem

God forbid, but happiness is unhealthy for my blog. When I am not sad *does that mean I am happy?*, I do not have the slightest idea what to write about. And actually, it's not even despair that brings out the creativity in me.

*Disruptions: You want to know what it is? Why would you want to know? Who are you anyways?*

Anyhow, despair, anxiety or  hurt are not feelings powerful enough to derive me to write something 'nice'. What creates magic is "bitterness"!

I, often, lead myself to believe that perhaps, I am in love with my sorrows. *Is that something like self-pity?* Sighs. Or may be, they have become very dear to me because I have grown more intimate with them. BUT, the plain-vanilla-kind sadness does not interest me. I like my cake of despair drenched in the dark chocolate syrup of bitterness. I like being stingy.

I am afraid I am sprinting on the path to insanity. My heart and mind seem to be a battleground for Armageddon, that is fought on a daily basis (nearly). I want to climb on the highest mountain only and only so that I can scream my lungs out for once, just for once. Ugh!

I want to slap someone, anyone. Uh? What the hell is wrong with me? I started writing this in a fairly good mood  but now.. I am not sure if it is still in that condition! How about I slap myself? *chataakhh*

*chuckles* I think I am just bored.

P.S. Choose any of the two definitions, you will get me anyway (or not). *smiles*

Filmain Shilmain... Gaane Waane..

Let's not whine for a while. Let's talk about Bollywood movies and how cheesy Bollywood songs get sometimes and yet how they still manage to make your feet thump to those tunes. =) Okay.... As a kid my fav heroes used to be the three Khans and.... Rahul Roy. Some of you might not even know who Rahul Roy is and those of you who know him must have started squinting at that name and must have read it again to ensure that Rahul Roy is what they read. Lol. Guilty pleasures of childhood. "Baadalon Mein Chhup Raha Hai Chaand Kion... Apne Husn Ki Ziya Se Pooch Lo.." *hums* Yes, that is my favourite song- abhi tak. Anyways, now whenever I remember liking him I go all... Eww... Hahaha.

So yes, Shahrukh Khan was also one of my crushes. I remember having a guy in my school, a 10th grader probably, on whom I and my friends had a major crush because he looked like Shahrukh Khan (please note by that we were merely 3rd or 4th graders then) *blushes* I liked all SRK movies, even the most crummy ones. I adored Baazigar especially. "Yeh Kaali Kaali Ankhain.. Tu Ru Ru.. Tu Ru Ru... Lalalala..." Oh and by the way, I heard this song today which I also used to like as a child "Dekhi Nahi Kabhi.. Aisi Deewangi.. Meine.. Is Liye.. Hans Ke.. Pyar Se.. Jaanejana.. Deewana.. Tera Naaaaaaaam Rakh Diya... Tera Naam Rakh Diya...." =D

Oh and woh batana tu bhool he gayee... Guess how many times I watched Satte pe Satta? Let me tell you... Umm... Sorry, I lost count ages ago... Hehehe. Khair another song that I used to like was "Churra Ke Dil Meraaaaa... Goriya Chali.. Turururu..." ;) Other than that, I liked Akshaye Khanna for some reason too... Oh I love that song too... "Aiinaa Bata Kaise Unka Dil Churana Aaj Phir Akele Mein Unse Milna Jana Hai... Muhabbat Hai.. Muhabbat Hai.."

Oh how much I loved DDLJ and Hum Aapke Hain Kaun... Salman Khan.... *sighs* I have gotten over Shahrukh Khan but Sallu... Nah! Haven't gotten over him. Somehow that song popped in my mind achanak se, "Hojata Hai Kaise Pyar.. Na Jaane Koi.. Na Jaane Koi.." I cannot remember this movie's name but I remember watching this movie many times as well. Most people of my age, might not be aware of these songs as they age back to when we were teeny meeny but I was made aware of them because of my elder brothers, cousins and the rest of the family. This is nothing. I know songs dated back to 50's and 60's.

Oh how we used to listen to Indian pop music. Once upon a time, we and my cousins used to have this Indi Music/Movies fever thingy. Blame it on having a satellite dish. Lol. Man! There was a time when the Indi pop was so beautiful... Ab tu bakwas he hai... Pata nahi hai bhi ke nahi. Pankaj Udhas- Such melodious songs he used to sing. Our favourite was "Mere Haath Mein Sharab Hai.. Such Bolta Hun Mein.." Oh the music videos they used to make- Falguni Pathak and her songs. Lovely. Good times.

Then came Stereo Nation with their songs "Nachangi Sari Raat" and "Pyar hogaya.. Kisi se yaron humein pyar hogaya.." How we used to love these songs and how one of my cousins used to tease us and his sisters about what a pathetic singer that man was. Hehehe. I agree now. Which reminds me how this particular cousin and his elder brother always used to argue about who was the best the music director- Anu Malik or Nadeem Sharvan?

I loved the movie Soldier too. Its songs were so adorable. By the way, soldier reminds me of Bobby Deol and he reminds me of that movie ummm..... Yeah "Barsaat" (1995). I so love that song, "Hum Ko Sirf Tum Se Pyar Hai.. Hum Ko Sirf Tum Se Pyar Hai..." *hums*  You would not want to know how many times we have watched "Dil Tou Pagal Hai". How I used to hate Pooja (Madhuri Dixit) for stealing away Rahul (SRK) from Nisha (Karisma Kapoor). Hehehe. We also watched "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai" alot of times.

Anyways, so time has changed. I watch less Bolly movies now. (Less than before, I mean) Since the last few years one of my favourite movie has been...... "Hum Ko Deewana Kargaye" Nahi nahi kar ke bhi I have watched it about 10 times or a little less. I love it. Ahluvet. Do not ask me why? I just do. I have made my sisters sick of that movie. Lol. (Pst. Pst. Let me tell you a secret: Since a few years, I have been having a crush on Akshay Kumar). Anyhow, so I am going to leave you with a song from that movie which I really like... And another from "Koi Mil Gaya". Listen to which ever you like. Or don't. =)

Vengeful Happiness

I have been happy in the past few months. I have been happy for longer than I should have. But now it ends. It had to end. I have known happiness was never a sincere companion of mine. It has always been a wolf in sheep's clothing; the calm before the storm. But I took my chances. I tried to cling on to it as fast as I could have. I tried to hold on. But it did not work out. The string attached to happiness was no more a dainty flower garland, it soon turned into a barbed wire wounding my hands.

Happiness came last night- To bid me farewell. It kissed me goodbye. With a smirk on its lips, the entire time.  As it walked away from me, I stood there motionless. No pain, no stings piercing my body. I stood there emotionless. But then, all of a sudden, it stopped and turned around. With a dreadfully grave expression, it told me it- "For every smile that kissed your lips, my love, you will pay me with tears." It wanted to take its toll on me. I wanted to laugh at it, I wanted to mock it. However, I do not know what happened. I was still standing there emotionless. No pain ripping me apart, still. As if by a spell, I felt a sudden sting in my eyes. My sight blurred with in a second, a streak of some liquid wet and warm trickled down my face. With disbelieve, I touched my face. It was wet with what we call tears. I had been cursed, yet again.

With my eyes wide open, I looked straight ahead, where happiness once stood. It was gone and I was left with the echoes of its derisive laughs.

Dry Ice

I am back.

I am holding my happiness with all my might. But you know, happiness is just like grains of sand that can never be clenched inside our palm; the tighter we hold, the quicker they slip away from tiny crevices of our fist. Funny! I often wonder is it the happiness that runs away from me or is it me? I can never blame others  for adorning me with grief. For it is always I who chooses sorrow as my embellishments. I am hypersensitive. And that is what brings me, everytime, at the doorstep of misery. It's self-inflicted, I tell you. I have realised, I am too fastidious, too fractious and this makes me so volatile.

What am I?

Dry ice!!

 Highly volatile, either solid or gas, no intervening liquid form.

The only thing that stands between me and my contentment is.... I, myself. So, how do I eliminate this obstruction? Let's replace the word "obstruction" with the name of the obstruction. Here it goes: So, how do I eliminate myself? How do I remove this road block? Oh no, no! I am not being suicidal. Haha!! I need someone to heal me- heal my soul. Or as a matter of fact... My mind!! I need a psychiatrist!! Or may be I just need someone to talk to. But the dilemma I face is that I CANNOT, I repeat, CANNOT TALK to ANYONE. No matter how close someone gets to me, I can NEVER confide in them. The reason, you ask? Ha! Well, the reason, my dear is, the moment I say something I really mean, something I really feel like; people stare back at me with eyes wide open as if they doubt my sanity. They think I am a lunatic. But you know, even if I, someday, find someone who understand my  apparently insane thoughts and feelings; I still might not be able to TALK to him or her. It is probably an inherent limitation. A possible cause why I write a blog. Hmm... Anyways, here is Bulleh Shah's kalam, for some reason it is spinning round and round in my head at this moment.

Tere Ishq nachaya Kar Ke Thaiya Thaiya

Cheti aa'vin Ve Tabiba, Nahin Te Main Mar Gai'yaan

Cheti Bawdi Ve Tabiba, Nahin Te Main Mar Gai'yaan

Tere ishq ne dera mere andar kiita

BHar ke zeher payala mein te aapey piita

Jhabde bhaudi ve tabiba nahin te mein mar gai'yan

Tere Ishq nachaya Kar Ke Thaiya Thaiya

Chup gaya ve suraj bahar reh gayee aa lali,

Ve mein sadkey ho'van, deven murrje vakhali,

Peeran mein bhul gayian, terey naal na gayian

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Aes Ishq De KoloN, MenuN HaTak Na Maa'ye

Laho JaandRe BeRe, KehRa MoR Liyaa'ye

Meri Aqal Jo Bhulii, Naal MahaaniyaaN De Aayi Aa

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Aes Ishq Di Jhungi Vich Mor Bolen Da

Saanu Qibla Te Kaaba, Sohna Yaar Disenda

Saanu Ghaayal Karke Pher Khabar Na Layi'yaan

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Bullha shoh ne aaNda, menooN Anayat de boohay

jis ne menooN puv'aaye, cholay saavay te suhay

jaaN meN maari hai aDii, mil piyaa hai vahi'yaa

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Tere Ishq nachaya Kar Ke Thaiya Thaiya

I am not even going to TRY to translate this and neither will I use translations available over the web until and unless I find "the one" that's best. Translating this would take away so much from it. It will be just like getting gold polished; it can shine brighter but in reality its layers will have to be scraped off.

I write irksomely long posts, you say? Yes, correct it is. But then this is my blog, I shall do as I please. Thank you. =P