Umr ki raftaar...

Rog aise bhi gham-e-yaar se lagg jaate hain
Dar se uthte hain tou, diwaar se lagg jaate hain

Ishq aaghaz mein halki si khalish rakhta hai
Baad mein sainkrroun aazaar se lagg jaate hain

Pehle pehle hawwas ik aadh dukaan khoulti hai
Phir tou bazaar k bazaar se lagg jaate hain

Be-bassi bhi kabhi qurbat ka sabab banti hai
Ro na pa’ain tou galay yaar se lagg jaate hain

Katranain gham ki jo galiyoun mein urri phirti hain
Ghar mein lay aao tou anbaar se lagg jaate hain

Daag daaman ke hon, dil ke hon, ke chehre ke Faraz
Kuch nishaan umr ki raftaar se lagg jaate hain

It's kind of a funny story

What if I sleep and I don't wake up?

Will you miss me?

I don't usually dream

I dreamed last night. The kind of dreams you dream with open eyes, and an awake mind. I dreamed of things, and places- and people. I dreamed of a world.

I felt a rainbow and a lone butterfly inside my stomach. I felt a little scared too. I didn't want my eyes to close, and my mind to sleep and wake up the next day to the same miseries.

I dreamed for myself last night.

But last night, I didn't feel well. I kept having this sinking feeling, my body ached and I tossed and turned. For a moment, I thought I might not see another day. Like the reaper was somewhere near me, around me.

Can dreaming end up in something so morbid?

-

I am scared. I'm walking down a tunnel and I can suddenly see a light at the end; and it's... It's frightening me.

The 'what-if's' are tearing me apart.

I once posted about how my mother said, 'Lougoun ko azmana nahin chahiye.'

I think lately I let this important thought she tried to cultivate inside my young mind, and the underlying rationale, slip.

I'm testing people around me, and... It's- no- I'm letting myself down.

I'm talking to a...

To a... To a blog?!

How miserable is that?

How pathetically miserable is that?!

...

Tumhari sirf tabiyat he nahin kharaab; tumhara dimaagh bhi kharaab hai.

Sighs.

Kab nahin tha(?).

Dil na umeed tou nahin, na kaam he tou hai,
Lambi hai gham ki shaam, magar shaam he tou hai...

I think I need a hug.

But I'd never admit.

In a loop

You know what's the hardest phase of grief, don't you?

It's that part, when something horrific happens and you...

You run it over and over again, inside your head, like a video in a loop - trying to register it with your brains. Trying, and failing. Trying again; failing again.

With every try, it hurts. It hurts harder; it hurts deeper.

With every replay, you relive the horror.
With every moment you relive, a hundredth of the reality registers with you - acceptance. A sharp pang sinks into your existence.

On the count of hundred, you come to terms with what ever happened - and numbness follows.

Quiet. An eerie quiet, is all you hear.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

It haunts.

Zara Dair Mein Ufaq Pe

Yeh haseen shaam apni

Abhi jis mein ghul rahi hai

Tere pairahan ki khushbu

Abhi jis mein khil rahe hain

Mere khwaab ke shagoofay

Zara dair ka hai manzar…

Zara dair mein ufaq pe

Khilayga koi sitaara

Teri simt dekh kar woh

Karayga koi ishaara,

Tere dil ko aayega phir

Kisi yaad ka bulaawa,

Koi qissa-e-judai

Koi kaar-e-naa-mukammal

Koi khwaab-e-naashagufta…

Koi baat kehne wali,

Humein chahiye tha milna

Kisi ehd-e-meherbaan mein

Kisi khwaab ke yaqeen mein,

Kisi aur aasmaan per

Kisi aur sarzameen mein

Humein chahiye tha milna…

-Parveen Shakir