Woe to the man, who finds not a thing of beauty in the rising and setting of the sun. Who ceases to be enchanted by the starry night sky. Who finds not a warmth in the charm of a crisp eve. Woe to him, as when it rains, not a smile kindles inside of him. Woe to him, who knows not bliss when the morning breeze caresses him. Who knows not of a delight creeping under his skin as the winter sun shines upon him. Who listens not, to the hushed chuckles of trees in the solitude of a windy afternoon. Who breathes in no pleasure from the soft morning dew. And woe be unto him, who looks at the bliss-ridden marvels around him, but with a numb stare. For what remains a difference betwixt him and a boulderstone?
Woe to you my precious, for what are you if not a boulderstone?
Showing posts with label Ennui. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ennui. Show all posts
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Saturday, November 23, 2013
With apologies to Allama Iqbal
'Hum se kab pyaar hai, haan neend tumhain pyaari hai...'
Sighs.
One verse I love quoting out of its original context.
Sighs.
One verse I love quoting out of its original context.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Lonely Summer Afternoons
The weather isn't as bad as it had been until earlier this week. It's sunny, but breezy. I guess I get why the weather updates kept saying, it will be pleasant this weekend.
With S and papa jaani gone on their separate little expeditions; ammi, Zizoo (she'll kill me if she finds I call her that here) and I are sort of, feeling a tad wee lonely. It's quieter around here now. Not saying papa jaani and S used to ensure a havoc back here- well I'm sure about S at least. *giggles*
Trimmed my nails. I think I clipped them a little too short, they're going to bug me a little now.
So... Do you have something to say?
Please don't say no. Say something; anything.
Dil chah raha hai koi mujhsebaat baatain karay, bohat saari.
And for the same reason, I miss Gruph. She talks a lot. A lot lot! The emphasis on a lot cannot simply be over emphasized, that's all I'm saying.
I want to go meet her; and I know, she's going to get a bit out of hand and go on talking without any need for input, or response from the other party. So, basically I know it's going to be a one-way communication. But, I am desperate. *deep breath*
Lazy, lonely, summer afternoons. Sounds like a good time to read, eh?
Let's see how the day unrolls.
Adieu.
P.S. Ohhh... How do you pronounce Les Misrables? Leh-what? Lol.
With S and papa jaani gone on their separate little expeditions; ammi, Zizoo (she'll kill me if she finds I call her that here) and I are sort of, feeling a tad wee lonely. It's quieter around here now. Not saying papa jaani and S used to ensure a havoc back here- well I'm sure about S at least. *giggles*
Trimmed my nails. I think I clipped them a little too short, they're going to bug me a little now.
So... Do you have something to say?
Please don't say no. Say something; anything.
Dil chah raha hai koi mujhse
And for the same reason, I miss Gruph. She talks a lot. A lot lot! The emphasis on a lot cannot simply be over emphasized, that's all I'm saying.
I want to go meet her; and I know, she's going to get a bit out of hand and go on talking without any need for input, or response from the other party. So, basically I know it's going to be a one-way communication. But, I am desperate. *deep breath*
Lazy, lonely, summer afternoons. Sounds like a good time to read, eh?
Let's see how the day unrolls.
Adieu.
P.S. Ohhh... How do you pronounce Les Misrables? Leh-what? Lol.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Let me count the ways...
Let's see how uneventful (read: humdrum, in its most superlative degree) my life is:
- I don't hang out with friends. Used to hang out with cousins, but it just doesn't happen anymore. And, I miss it.
- I don't go out for shopping. I intend on buying a lot of stuff but it never really materializes. I somehow always feel too tired when asked if I'd like to go on a shopping spree.
- I cannot really remember when was the last time I went out to have a decent dinner. Oh wait, I just remembered, it was on October.
- I don't chit chat with my friends for long hours on the phone. I used to once, but not any more.
- I don't use facebook, msn messenger, skype or any other similar social networking mundanities. I've (dormant, or partially dormant) accounts everywhere, though.
- I watch tv or sit in front my computer when and if I've some free time.
- On being asked what I watch on tv, I answer, 'uh.. nothing in particular. Everything, actually."
- I've really stopped talking to people, because I've become severely irritable.
- For the same reason, people have stopped liking me. This should have happened quite a long time back, but hey, people around me are extra-ordinarily kind. God bless them. (And, as for those who haven't yet somehow stopped liking me- I treat them pretty severely.)
- I don't have a hobby any more. I don't draw. I don't paint. I don't do anything at all. Nothing. I don't even like chocolates anymore. Not that it was a hobby, but anyways- just for the sake of mentioning.
I managed to come up with ten things. Huh, lovely! Even turtles have a life more eventful than mine.
Sighs.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Why yes, I am feeling fine..
I am feeling a little disoriented. I need to get myself busy, I suppose. But then, I do not believe that would help much. No matter how busy I am, I almost always get time to put myself on pause and mull over things. And then there are people who don't have time. Ha. Do you want to know one kind of excuse that ticks me off? Never tell me, you 'didn't get time'. Tell me anything, and I will welcome your excuses with a smile. Just never tell me that. So anyways, I am assuming getting busy won't work for me.
I am not sad, you see. There isn't any reason to feel sad, not really. And about feeling happy, I cannot say much. I don't know, probably I am swaying somewhere in between the two. Although, most probably I am supposed to be feeling sad. I should be found around wearing a thick blanket of despair. But, I am not. And may be, this is what that is actually irritating me. Not feeling woeful when actually I should be. I feel apathetic. Indifferent. And I am not liking it. I have always longed for indifference and now that it has come to me, I feel smothered in its tight hug. I am just irritated. I will be fine soon, Insha'Allah. I know. I will be fine. However, I have always wondered what 'fine' is? 'I am feeling fine'. How do you feel when you 'feel fine'? I don't really think 'feeling fine' is an emotion. You can either feel happy or sad or something of that sort but 'fine'- I am not sure. If some one asks me how am I feeling now. I'd say, 'Why, thank you. I am feeling fine".
I had fun last night, you know. Eeman, Amnah and the very badmaash little Hamza. Oh! I love them. They are the cutest little things. All three of them are in such contrast with each other. Total 'udham', I tell you. *smiles*
I wish I was a person who looked at the bright side of things. They call it 'optimism', yeah? Whatever that is! *dull smile*
I had the interview(s). That's another interesting story, you know. I will tell you, may be in a day or two. I don't feel like writing right now.
Good day!
I am not sad, you see. There isn't any reason to feel sad, not really. And about feeling happy, I cannot say much. I don't know, probably I am swaying somewhere in between the two. Although, most probably I am supposed to be feeling sad. I should be found around wearing a thick blanket of despair. But, I am not. And may be, this is what that is actually irritating me. Not feeling woeful when actually I should be. I feel apathetic. Indifferent. And I am not liking it. I have always longed for indifference and now that it has come to me, I feel smothered in its tight hug. I am just irritated. I will be fine soon, Insha'Allah. I know. I will be fine. However, I have always wondered what 'fine' is? 'I am feeling fine'. How do you feel when you 'feel fine'? I don't really think 'feeling fine' is an emotion. You can either feel happy or sad or something of that sort but 'fine'- I am not sure. If some one asks me how am I feeling now. I'd say, 'Why, thank you. I am feeling fine".
I had fun last night, you know. Eeman, Amnah and the very badmaash little Hamza. Oh! I love them. They are the cutest little things. All three of them are in such contrast with each other. Total 'udham', I tell you. *smiles*
I wish I was a person who looked at the bright side of things. They call it 'optimism', yeah? Whatever that is! *dull smile*
I had the interview(s). That's another interesting story, you know. I will tell you, may be in a day or two. I don't feel like writing right now.
Good day!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Interview! Interview! Interview!
*panics*
I have an interview on Wednesday. Haye Allah! Can we please skip Wednesday this week and directly have Thursday instead?
This is going to be the first (well yes, the first official) interview to any firm for me. This could have been the second had the one I had before were not "so" unofficial sort. So, this is going to be the first ever. And to add the cherry to the cake, "jitni bari firm, utne baray nakhray!" Sighs. But, I don't like talking to people much. Aur woh bhi complete strangers. *sobs*
I do not want to screw this up. Let's hope I don't. You know, if they ask me "why did you choose our company and not any other?" I will tell them honestly that "sir jee, let me correct you. I didn't choose you, you chose me and I have the exact same question for you hopping up and down inside my head. Seriously, what were you thinking?" Then if they ask me, "so, Ms. A.H. what inspires you?" I think I will be honest with them again. My answer will be, "the thing, dear interviewer, is that nothing inspires me. Yes, you heard that right. I am a narcissist. Did I forget mentioning it in my resume? So yeah, I believe I am an inspiration in my ownself (for the permanent residents of the loony bin, you see!)" And if they ask me, "Will you please enlighten us about what you perceive as your strengths and weaknesses?" "Oh definitely, that's my favourite question by the way. My weaknesses are that I am a fool, yes, yes, an utter fool, I am so awfully sentimental, I am hyper-hyper-sensitive, I am terrifyingly short-tempered, I am so fastidious, unreasonable, hopelessly depressed almost always, not at all out going- I am a chooha that likes staying in its bill, an introvert, ... *goes on for about another ten minutes* and my strengths are that... that... umm... err... *goes on for about another ten minutes again* Uh, I actually cannot think of any right now, I am a little nervous, you know. *smiles sheepishly* And if they ask me... Do you still think they might ask me more questions after all this? Haha. You are funny, I tell you. Or... May be, just may be, they might actually (only if they are the permanent residents of the loony bin I mentioned above and I happen to inspire them).
Okay, enough wacko-pana. *smiles* I am just feeling a little crazy ever since after the sehri. What did I have in sehri? Just the usual. You want to know what's the usual, eh? Nope, that's a secret I will never tell. *smiles again* I just could not sleep after namaz and all. So, I was tossing and turning in my bed and successfully irritating S., my sister (eik tou I have so many Ss and Zs and As and et ceteras in my life). So, as I tossed my head from one side to another I heard my sister shout "Allahhhhhh!" "Kya hua?", I said. "Apne baal sambhalo!" And I turned my face away mumbling, "itne lambay tu nahin hai mere bechare baal (Kaash hotey)" I so want to grow my hair. I love long hairs. Z. suggests, "tie your hair into a braid and then tie a gigantic rock at the end" *shocked* Imagine that! Stop it! Stop imagining, silly. I was only kidding. Hpmh.
I don't like the idea of working a job. Then why on earth am I putting myself through all this? Because I want to make my pa jani and ami proud of myself. Sighs. Haye!... Aap ka kya hoga janab-e-aali... Aap ka... Shut up! Roza hai, stop humming!
This is such a stupid post. I am only writing this because I cannot sleep and I have nothing better in my life to do therefore, you should read this only when you cannot sleep or have nothing better in your life to do.
Ohhh! You have already read it, haven't you? The warning was uselessly late, no. Hmm... Ab tu kuch nahi hosakta...!
Have a good morning. Oh and yes, smile! That not-so-drop-dead-gorgeous face of yours might look a tad bit better, you know. So, s-m-i-l-e!
Subha Bakhair...
I have an interview on Wednesday. Haye Allah! Can we please skip Wednesday this week and directly have Thursday instead?
This is going to be the first (well yes, the first official) interview to any firm for me. This could have been the second had the one I had before were not "so" unofficial sort. So, this is going to be the first ever. And to add the cherry to the cake, "jitni bari firm, utne baray nakhray!" Sighs. But, I don't like talking to people much. Aur woh bhi complete strangers. *sobs*
I do not want to screw this up. Let's hope I don't. You know, if they ask me "why did you choose our company and not any other?" I will tell them honestly that "sir jee, let me correct you. I didn't choose you, you chose me and I have the exact same question for you hopping up and down inside my head. Seriously, what were you thinking?" Then if they ask me, "so, Ms. A.H. what inspires you?" I think I will be honest with them again. My answer will be, "the thing, dear interviewer, is that nothing inspires me. Yes, you heard that right. I am a narcissist. Did I forget mentioning it in my resume? So yeah, I believe I am an inspiration in my ownself (for the permanent residents of the loony bin, you see!)" And if they ask me, "Will you please enlighten us about what you perceive as your strengths and weaknesses?" "Oh definitely, that's my favourite question by the way. My weaknesses are that I am a fool, yes, yes, an utter fool, I am so awfully sentimental, I am hyper-hyper-sensitive, I am terrifyingly short-tempered, I am so fastidious, unreasonable, hopelessly depressed almost always, not at all out going- I am a chooha that likes staying in its bill, an introvert, ... *goes on for about another ten minutes* and my strengths are that... that... umm... err... *goes on for about another ten minutes again* Uh, I actually cannot think of any right now, I am a little nervous, you know. *smiles sheepishly* And if they ask me... Do you still think they might ask me more questions after all this? Haha. You are funny, I tell you. Or... May be, just may be, they might actually (only if they are the permanent residents of the loony bin I mentioned above and I happen to inspire them).
Okay, enough wacko-pana. *smiles* I am just feeling a little crazy ever since after the sehri. What did I have in sehri? Just the usual. You want to know what's the usual, eh? Nope, that's a secret I will never tell. *smiles again* I just could not sleep after namaz and all. So, I was tossing and turning in my bed and successfully irritating S., my sister (eik tou I have so many Ss and Zs and As and et ceteras in my life). So, as I tossed my head from one side to another I heard my sister shout "Allahhhhhh!" "Kya hua?", I said. "Apne baal sambhalo!" And I turned my face away mumbling, "itne lambay tu nahin hai mere bechare baal (Kaash hotey)" I so want to grow my hair. I love long hairs. Z. suggests, "tie your hair into a braid and then tie a gigantic rock at the end" *shocked* Imagine that! Stop it! Stop imagining, silly. I was only kidding. Hpmh.
I don't like the idea of working a job. Then why on earth am I putting myself through all this? Because I want to make my pa jani and ami proud of myself. Sighs. Haye!... Aap ka kya hoga janab-e-aali... Aap ka... Shut up! Roza hai, stop humming!
This is such a stupid post. I am only writing this because I cannot sleep and I have nothing better in my life to do therefore, you should read this only when you cannot sleep or have nothing better in your life to do.
Ohhh! You have already read it, haven't you? The warning was uselessly late, no. Hmm... Ab tu kuch nahi hosakta...!
Have a good morning. Oh and yes, smile! That not-so-drop-dead-gorgeous face of yours might look a tad bit better, you know. So, s-m-i-l-e!
Subha Bakhair...
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Baraf paani
Well, technically speaking, I do not have much to write about. Nevertheless, I am here out of boredom. However, my mind is not empty of thoughts. Oh yes, I have hundreds of thoughts playing baraf paani inside my head. I miss playing these games baraf paani, kho-kho, chupan chupai.... *smiles* I am thinking...
******************************************
Human beings are the most bizarre of all living species. You can never- N-E-V-E-R, know everything about them. Not even if you have grown up in front of them or they have in front of you. There will always be surprises, some pleasant while some not so pleasant at all. There can be little things, their opinions, their wishes, their thoughts, et cetera.
When Z. spoke about eemandari in a nearly slighting manner, I was disappointed. According to Z., honest people live a tension filled life. That is so not true. There is also a thing called self-satisfaction and what 21 years of my little life have revealed upon me is the fact that contentment is far more long lasting than happiness. And anyways, is this world the only thing that matters? How subtly have we become so materialistic. I know Z. is an honest person despite these thoughts but, it was sad.
*******************************************
I like commenting. But I write such loooong comments. Kahaniyan likhti hon puri. *smiles*
*******************************************
Can two narcissists exist together in a symbiotic manner?
*******************************************
Can people really spend their entire lives compromising the entire time? And while doing that, can they be happy? Can compromises and happiness co-exist? *smiles*
*******************************************
People are so stupid. They forward any and every idiotic message they receive without even thinking for a second over it. Should they be some utterly lame chain messages with ridiculous warnings or some disgusting political propagandas. I just received one against pathans. Hellow! They are the ones who are being killed. What the hell! Who ate your brains? Stupid people!
*******************************************
You know what Compassion Fatigue is? It is what you and I are suffering from. It is what all of us have been plagued with.
*******************************************
I don't have many close friends, I have to confess. Yes, there are quite a few people whom I laugh and giggle with but close friends... that I only have four. *smiles* But I do get a little cynical about the sincerity of this friendship at times. I often am forced to believe that the flow of sincerity is one-sided. Ami jani used to say to me: "Doston ko kabhi azma'ish mein nahin dalna chahye... Doston ko azmana nahi chahye..." She is right. But despite everything, I love them. Yes, I have not been very lucky with the type of friends I have but I love them. End of story.
********************************************
I have lost my appetite. Not that I had a very good one before having lost it now. LOL. However, I do not like anything. Something must be wrong with my taste buds. My mother has to run after me to make me eat (figuratively speaking, of course). I eat as slow as a turtle. I do not like very hot food. I sense no taste when I eat hot food. I like it mildly warm. I just eat because I have to. And there are people who live to eat. I act a little ungrateful at times which is a bad thing. At times, when I am busy throwing my tantrums regarding food this thought strikes me hard and I immediately thank Allah for everything and apologize to Him for being so ungrateful.
*********************************************
I am missing a lot of people. Some have ceased to exist any longer while others... Others have ceased being the way they used to be. Good ol' times. I miss them.
*********************************************
And I started the post by saying that I do not have much to write about. Yeah, right.
******************************************
Human beings are the most bizarre of all living species. You can never- N-E-V-E-R, know everything about them. Not even if you have grown up in front of them or they have in front of you. There will always be surprises, some pleasant while some not so pleasant at all. There can be little things, their opinions, their wishes, their thoughts, et cetera.
When Z. spoke about eemandari in a nearly slighting manner, I was disappointed. According to Z., honest people live a tension filled life. That is so not true. There is also a thing called self-satisfaction and what 21 years of my little life have revealed upon me is the fact that contentment is far more long lasting than happiness. And anyways, is this world the only thing that matters? How subtly have we become so materialistic. I know Z. is an honest person despite these thoughts but, it was sad.
*******************************************
I like commenting. But I write such loooong comments. Kahaniyan likhti hon puri. *smiles*
*******************************************
Can two narcissists exist together in a symbiotic manner?
*******************************************
Can people really spend their entire lives compromising the entire time? And while doing that, can they be happy? Can compromises and happiness co-exist? *smiles*
*******************************************
People are so stupid. They forward any and every idiotic message they receive without even thinking for a second over it. Should they be some utterly lame chain messages with ridiculous warnings or some disgusting political propagandas. I just received one against pathans. Hellow! They are the ones who are being killed. What the hell! Who ate your brains? Stupid people!
*******************************************
You know what Compassion Fatigue is? It is what you and I are suffering from. It is what all of us have been plagued with.
*******************************************
I don't have many close friends, I have to confess. Yes, there are quite a few people whom I laugh and giggle with but close friends... that I only have four. *smiles* But I do get a little cynical about the sincerity of this friendship at times. I often am forced to believe that the flow of sincerity is one-sided. Ami jani used to say to me: "Doston ko kabhi azma'ish mein nahin dalna chahye... Doston ko azmana nahi chahye..." She is right. But despite everything, I love them. Yes, I have not been very lucky with the type of friends I have but I love them. End of story.
********************************************
I have lost my appetite. Not that I had a very good one before having lost it now. LOL. However, I do not like anything. Something must be wrong with my taste buds. My mother has to run after me to make me eat (figuratively speaking, of course). I eat as slow as a turtle. I do not like very hot food. I sense no taste when I eat hot food. I like it mildly warm. I just eat because I have to. And there are people who live to eat. I act a little ungrateful at times which is a bad thing. At times, when I am busy throwing my tantrums regarding food this thought strikes me hard and I immediately thank Allah for everything and apologize to Him for being so ungrateful.
*********************************************
I am missing a lot of people. Some have ceased to exist any longer while others... Others have ceased being the way they used to be. Good ol' times. I miss them.
*********************************************
And I started the post by saying that I do not have much to write about. Yeah, right.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Bored. You see my all-over-the-place blog entries. Yupe, that is boredom. I am writing nirri bakwaas and nothing but. Hardly two weeks have passed since the exams got over and I have started having boredom attacks. And I am planning to take the December session off. The whole six months. Yeah, right. *rolling eyes* My imagination is a complete wacko! I imagine things beyond imagination. Sooch hai aapki! By the way, these days I am adoring this phrase "sooch hai aapki". I want to say it at the end of each and every sentence I utter. *chuckles* Just received a text message from F. She was asking if I had got hurt after the last night's fall. God! I tripped in front of everybody.... Ufff! I should stop making a fool out of myself in front of everybody. But it is making me laugh now. Lol.
I have asked Bhaijaan to get me a pair of turtles. He thought I was joking and hence was not taking me seriously. Ami jani is not allowing me to have kittens at any cost and actually neither will Papa jani. He too keeps telling me to STAY AWAY from furry animals. Allergies, Huh! I have told my little sister Z. to make sure to get a note signed from whomever that I will be married to saying that I will be allowed to keep kittens. This will be a precondition to my acceptance of their proposal. *smiles* So anyways, as the possibility of getting kittens now is becoming remote and remote-er I am thinking of turtles now. I'll name one as Messi and the other as Kaka. Uh, what if one is a female? o_0 Oops! Have not thought about that. I think I will also buy a pair of gold fish. One named Rafa and the other Federer. Heheheh. Khair, finally I have managed BJ to understand that I am serious. I asked him to go check turtles out in the Empress Market. He went there. He cursed me for sending him there. It stinks. Hahaha. He wants me to come with him and buy the turtles myself. He thinks I ask too many questions and so proposed that instead of asking him I should ask the pet shop walay people. I can't go to the Empress Market!!!!
I want to sleep. Goodnight. I am feeling funny. Ah, whatever. Goodnight!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Conundrums and other fuzooliyaat
Main Entry: co·nun·drum
Pronunciation: \kə-ˈnən-drəm\
Function: noun
Etymology: origin unknown
Date: 1645
1 : a riddle whose answer is or involves a pun
2 a : a question or problem having only a conjectural answer b : an intricate and difficult problem
2 a : a question or problem having only a conjectural answer b : an intricate and difficult problem
God forbid, but happiness is unhealthy for my blog. When I am not sad *does that mean I am happy?*, I do not have the slightest idea what to write about. And actually, it's not even despair that brings out the creativity in me.
*Disruptions: You want to know what it is? Why would you want to know? Who are you anyways?*
Anyhow, despair, anxiety or hurt are not feelings powerful enough to derive me to write something 'nice'. What creates magic is "bitterness"!
I, often, lead myself to believe that perhaps, I am in love with my sorrows. *Is that something like self-pity?* Sighs. Or may be, they have become very dear to me because I have grown more intimate with them. BUT, the plain-vanilla-kind sadness does not interest me. I like my cake of despair drenched in the dark chocolate syrup of bitterness. I like being stingy.
I am afraid I am sprinting on the path to insanity. My heart and mind seem to be a battleground for Armageddon, that is fought on a daily basis (nearly). I want to climb on the highest mountain only and only so that I can scream my lungs out for once, just for once. Ugh!
I want to slap someone, anyone. Uh? What the hell is wrong with me? I started writing this in a fairly good mood but now.. I am not sure if it is still in that condition! How about I slap myself? *chataakhh*
*chuckles* I think I am just bored.
P.S. Choose any of the two definitions, you will get me anyway (or not). *smiles*
Monday, March 29, 2010
Zip, Zero, Zilch
It makes me sad t report that I am out of words. Not because I am thrilled and hence dumbfound but because there is nothing in my mind. Nada, null, naught. However, I want to express myself but I do not know how (or what). It is as if I am oblivious to words. It is as if I am ignorant of the rules of sentence making. Everything that travels down my mind to my finger tips and appears on the screen is so meaningless and dull. It is as if I have never written; as if writing was never my thing. Every thought that transforms into words is so mediocre, so unattractive.
I want to write though, it is just that I have nothing to write about. Odd. I feel like a 9th grader told to write an essay or a story in class. I am sitting at my desk staring at the whiteness of the paper which resembles the colour of the void in my mind.
I want to write though, it is just that I have nothing to write about. Odd. I feel like a 9th grader told to write an essay or a story in class. I am sitting at my desk staring at the whiteness of the paper which resembles the colour of the void in my mind.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Enigmas and Ennui
Rahiye ab aisi jagah chal kay jahan koi na ho
Hum-sukhan koi na ho aur hum-zaban koi na ho
Hum-sukhan koi na ho aur hum-zaban koi na ho
Bay-dar-o-deewar sa ek ghar banaya chahiye
Koi humsaya na ho aur pasban koi na ho
Parhiye ghar beemar to koi na ho beemar-dar
Aur agar mar jaiye to noha-khaan koi na ho
-Mirza Ghalib
I am out of words to define what has gotten into me these days. This strange desire to abandon everything and climb up a mountain top so remote that I become unreachable, has taken over me. I want to be alone. I am trying hard to live but it is not working out. It is exhausting and I am tired.
I want someone- a friend; a confidant; some one.
I am in a dire need for someone; someone who just sits beside me and agrees to lend me a shoulder- not to cry upon, but to rest my head on it and release a deep sigh that has been trapped inside my lips for so long. I need someone to listen to my groundless, illogical and ridiculous thoughts and not ask me why? what? how? I do not care if they do not understand even a single word I say. I just want someone to listen to me and pretend that they understand. I want to speak out incomplete and incoherent thought/sentences that have been spinning in my head and I do not want to be told that I make no sense.
I do not want to be judged based on what comes out from my mouth, for just a few moments. I do not want be thought of, even for a split second, as being irrational. Nor do I want any advices, any suggestions, any remedies. I do not want to be told that everything is or will be fine. I want to say things that I have never said before. And, when I am done I want a reassuring hand to hold my shoulder firmly. I want a gesture that tells me someone will always be there for me. Someone will always be willing to relieve me from my pain, my anguish, my sufferings- even, if so, for a second. I just need a shoulder to rest my head upon and ease me off my burden for a while until I am ready to stand up and tread on the paths of life again.
I do not want to be judged based on what comes out from my mouth, for just a few moments. I do not want be thought of, even for a split second, as being irrational. Nor do I want any advices, any suggestions, any remedies. I do not want to be told that everything is or will be fine. I want to say things that I have never said before. And, when I am done I want a reassuring hand to hold my shoulder firmly. I want a gesture that tells me someone will always be there for me. Someone will always be willing to relieve me from my pain, my anguish, my sufferings- even, if so, for a second. I just need a shoulder to rest my head upon and ease me off my burden for a while until I am ready to stand up and tread on the paths of life again.
However, I am sure this brainlessness is going to end soon. I realise that I am hitting the saturation point and so very soon this listlessness will be cured. InshAllah.