Un-amusing musings

I hate how SMAAK sends me crazily hilarious sort of text messages but never replies to my replies. Grrr....

So anyways, I'm here to report a slight modification. Okay 'slight' is an under-under-under-statement.

I don't love the people I once used to, anymore. I mean not with the same fervor.

I like different people now. There's a whole lot of other people now who make me smile or laugh (in a very embarrassing way).

The old ones, I never thought I would stop loving them. I don't even think I have stopped. But, I'm afraid. What if this is a beginning- of an end?

My life works on the 'ceteris paribus' clause. All other things have to remain the same. They cannot change.

I've actually been running away from the old ones. I now see how unfair and incorrect they've been and somehow I don't find myself able to tolerate that anymore.

The blindfold- unfolds.

P.S. I wonder where anonymous is, these days?

My head aches!

This "world" with all its entirety is plunging into utter chaos.

Chaos, I tell you.

Blissfully ignorant, are we?

Please save me and those I love, please dear God! *whispers under the breath*

Life's FAQ#1

Q: Mera Dimagh Itna Kharab Kion Hai?

Ans: Mera dimagh kharab hai because I have been loved... excessively and unnecessarily. 

*shrugs*

This answer forfeits every right that I thought I had to complain.

 I need to change. Not for myself, but for those who love me unconditionally. 

Aur Bhi Gham Hain Zamaane Mein Muhabbat Ke Siwa

The title of the last post makes me sound like a lovesick person. Funny. Yes, I was sad. But 'love and similar disasters' were not the one to blame. There were 'other' reasons behind that. I can assure you. Precisely, none of my posts that are dripping with despair hold love as their culprit. Being lovesick is out of my league. I do not really believe in 'love as in love'. What I mean is, love is not a ground reality, so as to speak. Love is.... It is surreal. Pure fiction. Therefore, I do not really believe in love. Not my thing, eh.

I love what Faiz Ahmed Faiz sahib says. It is beautifully cruel.

                   Laut jaati hai idhar ko bhi nazar kyaa kije
                   Ab bhi dilakash hai teraa husn, magar kya kije
                   Aur bhi gham hain zamaane meiN mohabbat ke siwa
                   RaahateiN aur bhi haiN vasl ki raahat ke sivaa

So yeah, love is not my cup of tea. Having said that, I must admit, "Holy God! What an outrageous liar I am!" LOL. It does not matter how many times I repeat that I do not believe in love, it will always bounce back to me like an echo and remind me what a pathetic liar I am. As funny as it might sound to some, I often try to escape love. I try to run away. But then soon enough I realise that I am running in circles only and so I obviously find myself right where I started- with love- again. Mhm.

However, I must say that love has become a cliché for the commonplace girl/boy loves boy/girl thing. Yes, I said commonplace and you can take all the offence you want. I don't know. I am not a big fan. Nonetheless, it does not mean I am against love. Oh no, no! It is, indeed, very essential. I am just, well, how should I put it? I am just against some kinds of love. There. Now that was a nice way of putting it. LOL

So anyways, I was saying that I am being a blatant liar when I say that I do not believe in love. Yes, that is true, I am afraid. That is so because I am a lover. An impulsive and compulsive lover. I love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. And I must confess, love hurts. It hurts in places that you did not even know existed inside you. All kinds of love hurt. But, there can be different reasons to the question "why it hurts?"

I know why my love(s) hurts. (I know just about everything, my problems and their solutions, and yet I loiter on the paths of my life wearing my ignorance cloak, listlessly. What to do with such enforced oblivion? What to do? Arw rightly calls me a "knowledgeable jaahil" ) Love has happened to hurt me often too because I've never succeeded in pulling off the balancing act. I always mess with the balance of things. Hence, the outcomes are pretty much err.. logical. I am way too possessive and it successfully leads me down the abyss of despair. From tiniest things to colossal matters, from my mother to my friends, I am almost always so overbearing. Let me put it in a nutshell. I am a spoiled brat. There, done.


P.S. This is so not what I had in my mind to write about. It is not even anything similar to it. Ugh. I am a spoiled brat and I have a dangerously high tendency to diverge. Period.

"You act as if you are so strong..."
"I am"
"Hahah. You wish.."
"By the way, I must say, you are good at acting.." 
"..I mean, most of the times you almost get away with your lets-play-pretense tricks.."
"..Kabootar jaisa tu dil hai but you try to pose yourself as a He-Man."
"HE-MAN???"
"I cannot be a He-Man!"
*chuckles*
"Wahi tu! But you like to act like one"
"No, I do not"
"Oh, trust me. You do. And you know it"
*squirms*


*Strange voices in my head....!

Incompleteness

Incompleteness, has become an essential part of me. Incomplete posts lingering in my drafts. Incomplete thoughts dawdling in my brain. Incomplete assignments dying for me to complete them. *huh*


Yesterday was a funny day. Yupe, that is it, it was a funny day. What? You want details? Oh! You think I am going to disclose all details here and tell you everything so that people can read all this and wonder what a twit I am? Okay, you are right. I am a twit. You think it is funny? I think it is sad.


I do not like comedy. I mean, give it a thought. What is comedy? Comedy is finding amusement in the sufferings of other people. Charlie Chaplin, the poor fellow, slips off his feet and you find that amusing. Ha! Comedy is a milder form of sadism, you see. If you like comedy, you are a sadist. You didn't know that now, did you?


I have been accused of "posing" weirdness. Now that, my dear, was a one of a kind accusation. I was told that I like being thought of as a weirdo. *shakes head* How can people manage to come up with such "wonderful" ideas. My pains, my agony, my frustrations are mine. I never entreated any one of you to share them. Have I ever? NO! Because I know it. I know, that the moment I will open my mouth and talk about them you will think they are trash. You won't understand and please don't even try to. Your life is far too complete to understand my incompleteness. I have been given a fair share of blessings, I am not complaining to God about my life. I am happy with it (on the whole). But you just won't understand.


I was called a mental case when I mentioned that I am probably suffering from some kind of a chemical imbalance in my brains. Heart-breaking, I tell you. I literally felt a sting on the left side of my body, where the piece of meat called heart lies. Reason: Not Found. I had awful many reality checks. Too many for one day. I was evaluated and commented upon in every possible way. It was heart piercing. I was told that I am irascible and rude. I was fired at with an AK-47. Non-stop hits. But then, "all's well, that ends well". And all this ended well too. At the end, I was told that I am a "lovely person". Why, thank you so very much.  Although, I have failed to understand how can I be bad and lovely, simultaneously.

I need a fix.




P.S. To Sidra: Please be kind enough, to resume writing more often. I am getting bored without you yaar.