Replace-me-not

Replace-ability.
We agreed that I had an issue with it.
And that it was an ouchiee concept.
Things are replace-able. People, not so much.
Mostly, because they should not be, not essentially.
It's violating, desecrating. 
But then, something happened- despite all agreements...
I was no longer needed.

Tolkien, others might not be... but, I am!

But, I certainly am.

Sighs.

Exams are around the corner and I'm not interested in studying. Despite this being my qualifying attempt, I've no motivation. No. Nada. I'm not really working hard. But then on a second thought, I never have. Nevertheless, I do at least try to put in some effort usually. However, I don't know what's wrong with me this time. I feel so disoriented. A little listless.

 I've had a change of heart with regards to a lot of things. I really do mean A LOT, when I say a lot. I'm not the same person I was last year, and it's kind of irritating because I've never really been good with such radical changes. 

But things change, right. Change is what connotes life, doesn't it. All of us have changed in some way or other. Let's see some illustrations: *smiles*

♠ Ally- she's farther away now then she used to be, physically and virtually as well.

♠ Sid- has plunged deeper into her lake of distress. No more happy posts from her anymore.

♠ B- is.... oh well, B has managed to remain B, I shall surmise. *smiles* He never used to blog often and, that hasn't changed much (so okay, I don't see how he has evolved- so let's just assume he hasn't!)

♠ Majworld- he's maturing at a rate faster than fast. His posts have changed from happy-go-lucky-everyday-stuff to deeper things. It sometimes makes me laugh at how closely and scrutinizingly he has started looking at things. Yes, I'm sorry majworld, but it makes me laugh. :P

So yes, we evolve with time, don't we? No surprise, if I did too, right? But... it isn't exactly what I could've ever imagined. I don't know at what point did I let go off myself, but I did. I was supposed to let go off other things but somehow I guess I let go off my own self. 

Honestly, and I don't care how cliched this sounds but, the ironic truth is that as soon as I changed.... my world turned to a perfect mirror image of my hopes and wishes. Only... it was too late. I somehow didn't want it anymore. So, it kind of doesn't matter now. *smirk*  Everything around me started falling right in its place; just that... I wasn't standing exactly where I used to before. And not to mention, my cynicism has escalated drastically. (Will write on it specifically, later sometimes).

Have I ever told you, that I don't have dreams? Dreams as in, like how people want to own a yacht (that's Gopher's dream, lol) or something else; or achieve something in life; et cetera. Yea, that sort of dreams. I can't think of any. I don't know if it's sad or what. I'm just not interested enough, so to speak. 

I was always dull and boring and, I still am. However, the only thing that's different now I guess is an added tinge of apathy and agitation.

And let me confess the most deplorable part of my (uncalled for) evolution- I have lost my connection with Him. I was a sinner, as far back as I can see myself. Never a saint, or even close. One of His worst creatures, I feel sad to admit. But there was still a connection. I feel disconnected now. My soul feels disconnected.

I want to revert back to Him. I want it so bad. I want it so bad!

So yeah, anyways. I'm going to go away now (well, I'm gonna try to), until my exams are over, and that'll be 10th June. I don't really think I'll be totally away though, because ever since the exam fever has started, loitering on blogspot seems to be the nicest thing to do. Han na, I want to do everything that doesn't spell 'S-T-U-D-Y'. Thank Lord, I've temporarily discontinued playing Crysis2. Will resume after exams though. But, I'm just concerned that Gopher would have completed it by then. *frowns* I hope not. *fingers crossed*

By the way, S made me listen to another silly song, (no, don't worry I'm not going to keep it a secret to stir curiosity this time) it's akon's chammak challo. God! What's up with songs these days? It's funny though, just the chammak challo part. It's funny because I made an inside joke out of it. But on a serious note, we need song writers, decent song writers, that is. Nevertheless, the previous song from dehli belly makes me go hahaha really! When I made my ami jani listen to it, she gave me a disgusted look as the song began. 'Aray yaaar *shakes head* isko music ki tarah mat lain iss ko mazah ke tanazur se dekhain', I protested (lol, no I didn't use either of the words mazah or tanazur. I couldn't have anyways, coz' I speak sindhi, remember silly!) *smiles* So, yes she laughed a little while listening, which means she thought it was funny too! 

Okie, I shall leave you now. You may let out a deep sigh of relieve. I know you want to. *smiles* 

Image courtesy: weheartit

And so, it doesn't matter...

You know what 'brain dead' means, right? But do you know what 'feel dead' means? It's like being emotionally dead, you see. I have a tag amongst my Labels that says, 'Emotional Floods'. I think I should have another - 'Emotional Drought'. Ha. I don't know. I am failing to feel. I have grown pretty much numb. For some reason, this doesn't-matter-to-me attitude has undertaken me and hence, nothing no more seems to matter. I cannot decide if it is a good thing or a bad thing. The only thing that I am realizing is that it gets scary sometimes.

Nothing rings any bells anymore. Nothing strikes the heart's chords anymore. Perhaps, my chords broke down. Perhaps, it was I who broke them. Whatever it was, it doesn't matter now. It feels as if I have let off everything. It feels as if I have given in to the rushing torrent of time and now it will take me where ever it wants. During the course, I might hit some rocks. I might injure myself a little, perhaps. I can also get deposited on a river bank.  And if not, then I will ultimately be drained into the sea. But does it matter? I don't think so. *smirks*

You know I failed a course. *smiles* Yeah. Yeah. I failed and I am smiling. See, I told you nothing matters anymore. Had my result on the 23rd and I failed one out of 3 courses that I attempted. Corporate Reporting was an evil wizard, trust me. The exam went awful so I wasn't expecting anything great. Anyhow, so I failed for the first time in my life. And what was my reaction to it? Ha. I didn't feel a thing. Not a single drop of tear. Trust me. I have cried at scoring badly in exams. I remember my AS Level, I scored a B in Economics. My parents were in Islamabad that day and I cried so much over the phone. I cried so much. I remember my grade in General, I was in such denial. I was shattered. But this time, when I have not just scored low, but I actually have flunked. I am too indifferent to care. The moment I viewed my result, my reaction was as if I was looking at someone else's result. I felt as sad as I would have if someone I merely knew would have failed. It was a surprise. Not my result, my reaction.

I am hurt. But it doesn't ache. So, I guess I am fine for the time being. It feels as if I have been anesthetized. I feel nothing. This is insane. I don't like it much.

I have to go. I have these irksomely lengthy Notes to Accounts to read from our client's Annual Reports and then I also have to skim through SOX 4.0.4 and AS.5. Ugh. Oh yes. I started working from Monday. It's good. Err... okay... no.. it's just fine. You know in approx. three years or so, I am the first girl that they have hired in this dept. Sighs. I'll leave the rest to your imagination for the time being. Haven't been able to write about it. Haven't you noticed the teeny weeny length of my last few posts. I've been a little a busy and a lot tired. But I'll write about it soon insha'Allah.

P.S. Bj, I miss you yaar!

Vengeful Happiness

I have been happy in the past few months. I have been happy for longer than I should have. But now it ends. It had to end. I have known happiness was never a sincere companion of mine. It has always been a wolf in sheep's clothing; the calm before the storm. But I took my chances. I tried to cling on to it as fast as I could have. I tried to hold on. But it did not work out. The string attached to happiness was no more a dainty flower garland, it soon turned into a barbed wire wounding my hands.

Happiness came last night- To bid me farewell. It kissed me goodbye. With a smirk on its lips, the entire time.  As it walked away from me, I stood there motionless. No pain, no stings piercing my body. I stood there emotionless. But then, all of a sudden, it stopped and turned around. With a dreadfully grave expression, it told me it- "For every smile that kissed your lips, my love, you will pay me with tears." It wanted to take its toll on me. I wanted to laugh at it, I wanted to mock it. However, I do not know what happened. I was still standing there emotionless. No pain ripping me apart, still. As if by a spell, I felt a sudden sting in my eyes. My sight blurred with in a second, a streak of some liquid wet and warm trickled down my face. With disbelieve, I touched my face. It was wet with what we call tears. I had been cursed, yet again.

With my eyes wide open, I looked straight ahead, where happiness once stood. It was gone and I was left with the echoes of its derisive laughs.

Incompleteness

Incompleteness, has become an essential part of me. Incomplete posts lingering in my drafts. Incomplete thoughts dawdling in my brain. Incomplete assignments dying for me to complete them. *huh*


Yesterday was a funny day. Yupe, that is it, it was a funny day. What? You want details? Oh! You think I am going to disclose all details here and tell you everything so that people can read all this and wonder what a twit I am? Okay, you are right. I am a twit. You think it is funny? I think it is sad.


I do not like comedy. I mean, give it a thought. What is comedy? Comedy is finding amusement in the sufferings of other people. Charlie Chaplin, the poor fellow, slips off his feet and you find that amusing. Ha! Comedy is a milder form of sadism, you see. If you like comedy, you are a sadist. You didn't know that now, did you?


I have been accused of "posing" weirdness. Now that, my dear, was a one of a kind accusation. I was told that I like being thought of as a weirdo. *shakes head* How can people manage to come up with such "wonderful" ideas. My pains, my agony, my frustrations are mine. I never entreated any one of you to share them. Have I ever? NO! Because I know it. I know, that the moment I will open my mouth and talk about them you will think they are trash. You won't understand and please don't even try to. Your life is far too complete to understand my incompleteness. I have been given a fair share of blessings, I am not complaining to God about my life. I am happy with it (on the whole). But you just won't understand.


I was called a mental case when I mentioned that I am probably suffering from some kind of a chemical imbalance in my brains. Heart-breaking, I tell you. I literally felt a sting on the left side of my body, where the piece of meat called heart lies. Reason: Not Found. I had awful many reality checks. Too many for one day. I was evaluated and commented upon in every possible way. It was heart piercing. I was told that I am irascible and rude. I was fired at with an AK-47. Non-stop hits. But then, "all's well, that ends well". And all this ended well too. At the end, I was told that I am a "lovely person". Why, thank you so very much.  Although, I have failed to understand how can I be bad and lovely, simultaneously.

I need a fix.




P.S. To Sidra: Please be kind enough, to resume writing more often. I am getting bored without you yaar.