Mariz-e-Muhabbat

Unadorned days and unembellished nights. Life is back to "normal" again. The pain has subsided and the tears have dried up. I suppose, we have learnt to deal with our "selves". I suppose, we have come to terms with the hide and seek our woes and happiness have been playing with us. We had to. Eventually. 

Irada Tha Tar'ke Muhabbat Ka Lekin
Faraib-e-Tabassum Mein Phir Aa Gaye Hum
Abhi Kha Kay Thokar Sanbhalne Na Paye
Ke Phir Khayee Thokhar Sanbhalte Sanbhalte

So, this time I decided to dive into the river of indifference earlier than usual. Indifference is my only shield against this world and "my own self". It is always my last resort. I needed a distraction. But any and every mundane affair of life was not proving to be enough.

Aray Koi Wadaa Khilafee Ki Had Hai
Hisaab Apne Dil Mein Laga Kar Tou Dekho
Qayamat Ka Din Aa Gaya Rafta Rafta
Mulaqaat Ka Din Badalte Badalte

In one of my previous posts, I was suggested in a comment by Ubaid to revert to music. I told him it made me nostalgic which, by the way is exactly what it makes me feel. But then last night as I was listening to FM, I realised I was listening to all the wrong genres of music. I had to turn to the kind of music which suited my mood but was anti-depressing simultaneously. And voilà! I found exactly the right stuff.

Unhein Khat Mein Likha Keh Dil Muztarib Hai
Jawab Unka Aaya Ke Mohabbat Na Karte
Tumhein Dil Lagane Ko Kis Nay Kaha Thaa
Behel Jayega Dil Behalte Behalte

I have also realised that what is killing me (or "trying endlessly" to kill me) is something within my self. It is not a novel discovery though, I have known this for quite a long time now. For the sake of pin pointing the culprit, I must admit that it is my "expectations" that have been stabbing me. And my oh my! Do they know where to stab me to make me wail my heart out. Cruel things, I tell you. I have also often wondered why do I feel a sudden sting in my eyes. Then I realised that they are the hopes that came crashing down and shattered into a thousand minute splinters and smash into my eyes every now and then.

Hamein Apne Dil Ki To Parvah Nahin Hai 
Magar Darr Raha Hoon Yeh Kamsin Ki Zidd Hai
Kahin Paaye Naazuk Mein Moach Aa Na Jaye
Dil-e-sakht Jaan Ko Masalte Masalte

I have to confess. I am my own enemy.  I should slay my own expectations before they slay me. You know, people do mistakes and then blame it on others. But my tragedy is the fact that I have no one to blame but myself. Technically speaking, people have not hurt me much. I wound my own self. Only and if only, I could contain my expectations, I could be content. It is not that hard.

Woh Mehmaan Humare Huwe Bhi Tu Kab Tak
Hoyi Sham'a Gul Aur Na Doobe Sitarey
Qamar Kis Qadr Unko Jaldi Thi Ghar Ki
Woh Ghar Chal Diye Chandni Dhalte Dhalte

It is not that easy either. I am obsessed. I am possessive. I am touchy. I am irascible. How many broken ends will I mend? How many wreckages will I repair? How many fractures will I plaster? How many ugly scars will conceal under my masks? How many lesions will I bandage? How many wounds will I heal? How many glitches will I fix?

Mariz-e-Muhabbat Unheen Ka Fasana

Sunata Raha Dam Nikalte Nikalte
Magar Zikre Sham-e-Alum Jab Ke Aaya

Charagh-e-Sehar Bujh Gaya Jalte Jalte

Oh forget it! To hell with my whimpering.  It is just that..... Munni Begum is so awesome!! =)

                 Dard Koi Bala Hai Woh Shokh Mizaaj,

                 Usko Chhe'rra Bura Kiya Tu Ne....

Vengeful Happiness

I have been happy in the past few months. I have been happy for longer than I should have. But now it ends. It had to end. I have known happiness was never a sincere companion of mine. It has always been a wolf in sheep's clothing; the calm before the storm. But I took my chances. I tried to cling on to it as fast as I could have. I tried to hold on. But it did not work out. The string attached to happiness was no more a dainty flower garland, it soon turned into a barbed wire wounding my hands.

Happiness came last night- To bid me farewell. It kissed me goodbye. With a smirk on its lips, the entire time.  As it walked away from me, I stood there motionless. No pain, no stings piercing my body. I stood there emotionless. But then, all of a sudden, it stopped and turned around. With a dreadfully grave expression, it told me it- "For every smile that kissed your lips, my love, you will pay me with tears." It wanted to take its toll on me. I wanted to laugh at it, I wanted to mock it. However, I do not know what happened. I was still standing there emotionless. No pain ripping me apart, still. As if by a spell, I felt a sudden sting in my eyes. My sight blurred with in a second, a streak of some liquid wet and warm trickled down my face. With disbelieve, I touched my face. It was wet with what we call tears. I had been cursed, yet again.

With my eyes wide open, I looked straight ahead, where happiness once stood. It was gone and I was left with the echoes of its derisive laughs.

Life and other disasters

I need a distraction.... from life itself. 

My love, my dearest

When will you learn? When will you ever learn? When will you ever learn my precious, when to stop fighting?

Look around. What do you see? Save, corpses of your brutally murdered army- innumerable pieces of shattered faith, hopes and dreams? In this blood smeared battle field, you stand alone. All alone.

Look at yourself. What do you see? A bruised body and a bruised soul. The blood dripping from your wounds. Do you not see it? You cannot fight a battle with empty hands. The pain is ripping your soul apart but your body is numbed. It denies every blow that it has received. Denies every strike it has suffered. Denies to let go.

Look at you. How pathetic you look. How appalling. Your knees can no longer bear your burden. You arms have lost there strength. There is void in your chest where your heart once used to be. Your eyes are smeared with blood. How sick you look, my beloved, how grotesque.

Let go, my love. Let go off yourself. Seeing you, it drowns my heart in the floods of agony and misery. For the sake of my love, my love, let go. I cannot take this any longer. It hurts. It rips my heart into tiny shreds. Do not bring this unto thyself, for my sake. Fall to the ground. Surrender.

This is the end.

And this is how it ends... When you fight against... Thyself, my love, my dearest.

Charcoal

My fair lady, you... are so dark. Darkest of all darks.

Pitch black.

Eik rang mein jeena jeevan ko, ay jaan-e-tamanna theek nahi...

"You act as if you are so strong..."
"I am"
"Hahah. You wish.."
"By the way, I must say, you are good at acting.." 
"..I mean, most of the times you almost get away with your lets-play-pretense tricks.."
"..Kabootar jaisa tu dil hai but you try to pose yourself as a He-Man."
"HE-MAN???"
"I cannot be a He-Man!"
*chuckles*
"Wahi tu! But you like to act like one"
"No, I do not"
"Oh, trust me. You do. And you know it"
*squirms*


*Strange voices in my head....!

I am not crazy, I am just a little impaired

We might have been—these are but common words,

And yet they make the sum of life’s bewailing.

        -Letitia E. Landon

Like (or unlike) most of the people I have a habit of lamenting upon my mistakes longer than required. I do something wrong and then I spend a couple or more days thinking "what if" or "if only" I had not done it in the first place. "What if" is an excruciating prefix for any question. I punish myself even for the most trifling blunders that I may commit. I lie awake and worry about things that others might not have even noticed me doing. Others might forgive me but I just find it so hard to forgive myself. My regrets are KILLERS. I make monsters out of such petty things and they haunt not just my nights but days as well. I never let go. Perhaps, because nobody taught me to how "let go" off things/thoughts/memories. But then this is something that you learn on your own. Ah! I am one hopeless creation of God. Sighs.

Something similar happened today. It is so trivial that you might shake your head in disapproval after reading. Therefore, a word of warning for those whose time is very precious: Do not go any further, you might end up swearing at me for wasting your time. Lol. But I cannot begin to describe how mentally tedious it was for me. Saeed bhai (my driver) got a ticket for using a mobile while driving. Well, technically speaking, he was not using it while driving actually. He stopped the car at the red light and then received the call. However, it was a bad day for him. There were traffic constables standing at both ends of the road. One of them stopped him. I would like to mention something here, I have this thing against the police walas. I mean, I just do not want to have a conversation with them. I think they scare me. So, I stayed put in the back of the car while Saeed bhai tried to convince him to excuse him. Well, I obviously had the option of calling my phuppo and get things settled here. The constable would have greeted me with a Salaam and let us go. However, for some reason I did NOT do that. Saeed bhai got ticketed and I just sat there.

Everything was fine until I came back home. I realised I was pretty tensed. I told my ami what had happened and she was a little annoyed at the driver at first but then something happened to me and I suddenly said, "Ami, I should have called phuppo". I said this because I just realised how disappointed my driver looked. I also realised that the fine for using a mobile while driving is higher than the usual traffic fines. This made me sad. I started feeling bad about all of this. I started feeling bad about myself. I felt bad when I thought I could have saved these few hundreds for him, which might not have been only a "few" for him.

I spent the entire day feeling bad. My head, actually, hurt from thinking so much. I apologized to God also for not helping his creation when I could have easily. Had it really been my driver's fault I would not have been so sad about all of this. But as afore mentioned, technically speaking, it was not his fault, entirely. Nevertheless, by evening an idea had struck me which could have helped me make my heart feel lighter. I implemented it and it felt so much better afterwards. I, literally, felt lighter as if some heavy boulder had been shoved off my chest. I am feeling soooooooooooo much nicer now. Phew!

Yes! Yes! I know I am a wacko. Go on! Laugh your heads off at me or shake them in disappointment. You have no idea how depressed I was. Yes, I know "but this is SO trivial". But that's what I am trying to tell you! I have this tendency of cheezon ko sar per sawaar karlena. I self-inflict myself with worries, woes and what nots! Sighs. This was just one example. My 21(nearly) year history is crammed with such jaw-dropping examples. Hey! Are you laughing at me? Fine. Let's laugh together then!! =)

Blue blues..

Okay... So yes I had my hair cut into a bob a few months back. I looked awesome, contrary to the teasings I got from my brothers and cousins. My hairs did earn me quite a lot of nicknames which, obviously I am not going to reveal here. Nah. Not a chance. lol. As I said, I looked awesome but there is a thing with the boys in my family. They LOVE long hairs. I mean even the hairs on your head are your own but if you are thinking of cutting them short you will have to face a desk banging opposition, just like the ones in our parliament. Yupe, they are that obsessed. Anyways, my hairs have grown out now and so have the teasings.

BUT.... Now I want to get Blue Streaks. Don't raise eye brows. I want just a couple of blue streaks, that's it. I have been wanting to do that for so long now. But I am hoping I do get this done this time. Let's hope my ami agrees to it *fingers crossed*. However, the gentlemen of my khandaan would get yet another chance to chastise me AGAIN. lol. And the first one would be my.... Oh God! My papa..... I am having a feeling this is going to be a long journey and that too, utterly painstaking. lol.

=)

Incompleteness

Incompleteness, has become an essential part of me. Incomplete posts lingering in my drafts. Incomplete thoughts dawdling in my brain. Incomplete assignments dying for me to complete them. *huh*


Yesterday was a funny day. Yupe, that is it, it was a funny day. What? You want details? Oh! You think I am going to disclose all details here and tell you everything so that people can read all this and wonder what a twit I am? Okay, you are right. I am a twit. You think it is funny? I think it is sad.


I do not like comedy. I mean, give it a thought. What is comedy? Comedy is finding amusement in the sufferings of other people. Charlie Chaplin, the poor fellow, slips off his feet and you find that amusing. Ha! Comedy is a milder form of sadism, you see. If you like comedy, you are a sadist. You didn't know that now, did you?


I have been accused of "posing" weirdness. Now that, my dear, was a one of a kind accusation. I was told that I like being thought of as a weirdo. *shakes head* How can people manage to come up with such "wonderful" ideas. My pains, my agony, my frustrations are mine. I never entreated any one of you to share them. Have I ever? NO! Because I know it. I know, that the moment I will open my mouth and talk about them you will think they are trash. You won't understand and please don't even try to. Your life is far too complete to understand my incompleteness. I have been given a fair share of blessings, I am not complaining to God about my life. I am happy with it (on the whole). But you just won't understand.


I was called a mental case when I mentioned that I am probably suffering from some kind of a chemical imbalance in my brains. Heart-breaking, I tell you. I literally felt a sting on the left side of my body, where the piece of meat called heart lies. Reason: Not Found. I had awful many reality checks. Too many for one day. I was evaluated and commented upon in every possible way. It was heart piercing. I was told that I am irascible and rude. I was fired at with an AK-47. Non-stop hits. But then, "all's well, that ends well". And all this ended well too. At the end, I was told that I am a "lovely person". Why, thank you so very much.  Although, I have failed to understand how can I be bad and lovely, simultaneously.

I need a fix.




P.S. To Sidra: Please be kind enough, to resume writing more often. I am getting bored without you yaar.

Memo....Randoms!

•  It's sad life does not come with a manual. (Err.. Ok.. May be it's not that sad after all)
• A broken road..... *Hmmm*
• I have lost interest in blogging which is also very sad. Primary reason: Blankness, empty-headed-ness.
• However, when I am in the car (on my way to and back from college) I get so many brilliant ideas to blog about but another sad fact of my life is that I have a memory span shorter than that of a gold fish. I forget things.
• I think I will buy a planner or something of that sort.
• My cousin just got me Windows 7 =) It is nice. Similar to vista however, a little nicer. I have sweeet cousin.
• I have to complete NFS SHIFT *huh* (I make it sound like a school assignment) Anyways, I liked CARBON better.
• I feel less stingier which is a good thing (for you)
• I am thinking of putting on weight. But I seriously need to cut back on chocolates or else I am sure to get diabetes. But... =S there are these new chocolates that I am munching on these days =P They even have nice messages underneath the wrappers.
• I WANT TO WRITE A POST that qualifies as a sensible post.
• I am trying to write something. A short story or a long story or may be it is not a story at all. *Ugh* I don't know. Just pray that I may complete it soon.
• I have been thinking of painting since sooooooooo long. My oil paints must have rotten by now.
• Accounting has consumed me. I dreamt about double-entries today. Oh God! This is outrageous. Oh and a few nights back, I also saw Salman Khan for the second time. Cheesy! lol.
• I am unable to write proper sentences. Reason: Same as mentioned in the 3rd pointer. If this is not cured soon, I will run into a panic attack.
• This is crazy. My blog. I don't like it anymore.
• I have been making stick figures. Face-less stick figures.

The nice messages I was talking about

Pst! Pst! Those of you who got till here; a good pat on your back. You have got nerves, I tell you.

Hold on a sec. please

Have you ever wished for the world to freeze for a moment so that the tear drop that has been hinging on your lash for so long can have the liberty to roll down your cheek and land in your lap; so that you can have the liberty to raise your hand and wipe that faint trail left by your tears off your face?

Just a moment.

And then the world can get back to its dreary routines.

A Gem, Lost

Zulfikar Ali Bhutto

I remember 10th grade History. We were given an assignment on Bhutto. The class was split into two groups for a debate for and against the Bhutto regime. I obviously chose pro-Bhutto. My entire class participated in a more or less objective way (mostly) except for me, obviously. lol. I was in love with Bhutto sahib. No points for guessing who won the debate- we did. =)

Forget my personal feelings. Undoubtedly, only two men in the 62 year old history of Pakistan can be fittingly declared as leaders- Mohammad Ali Jinnah and Zulfikar Ali Bhutto. Have you ever heard him speak? The fervor, passion and the zeal in his voice gives me goosebumps everytime I hear his speeches. When he spoke to the people, he was one of them unlike the other conceited yet shallow leaders that we have been sentenced with now and in the past. When he spoke to the farmers, he was one of them. When he spoke to the labourers, he was one of them. When he spoke to the businessman, he was one of them. When spoke to the intellectuals, he was one of them. His charisma, his boldness, his unwavering faith had no parallel.

Have you seen his speeches in the UN Security Council? Wow. I lack words. I am not talented enough to translate my awe and admiration in words. Certainly, I have not seen such a charismatic speaker in my 21-year-old life. Who else could have spoke in the Security Council like that:

“I am leaving your Security Council. I find it disgraceful to my person and to my country to remain here a moment longer than necessary. I am not boycotting. Impose any decision, have a treaty worse than the Treaty of Versailles, legalise aggression, legalise occupation, legalize everything that has been illegal up to December 15, 1971. I will not be a party to it. We will fight. We will go back and fight. My country beckons me. Why should I be a party to the ignominious surrender of a part of my country? You can take your Security Council. Here you are. I am going.”

I have heard our leaders speak. There is nothing to listen to when they speak. It is a mere formality. But when I hear his speeches and addresses, every single nerve in my body turns into ear. How I wish to have been there then. When he spoke, he casted some kind of spell which made you believe "Yes, this is possible."  He loved his country. He stood for his country. He fought for his country- For my country. And that is one of the reasons for which I esteem him. Do we now have a leader even similar to him? Do we now have a saviour who can retrieve our integrity and sovereignty? Are we independent? Yes? No? No! No! No! We are NOT! Our independence has been sold by our own so-called leaders. They have done everything in their power to lead this country to ruins. Oh and congratulations to them, I see they are doing pretty well. 

Bhutto sahib lived for his country an he died for his country. His death was a foreign conspiracy. A thought occurred to me today while I was watching TV. Bhutto sahib brought together all the Muslims nations. Not only, did he do that, he also put in his efforts to unify the third world countries. He was a rising star. A morning star, that indicated that dawn was nearby. Had he only had a little more time. The west, however, feared the fact that if Zulfikar Ali Bhutto was not stopped then they would have to face formidable consequences. The west of course, did not like the idea of people uniting together. They had to eliminate Bhutto. And they did.

Inhein sadiYon na bhoolay ga zamana,

Yahan jo hadse kal ho gaye hain.

Jinhein hum dekh kar jeetey thay Nasir

Woh loog aankhon se ojhal ho gaye hain.

Bhutto was a visionary, a revolutionary, a believer, a lion-heart and most of all, a leader. We did not value what we had and now we are left with nothing. May God save our country. However, I have my hopes clinged to Imran Khan but I am just too afraid of watching my hopes fall apart again. But I pray Imran Khan gets a chance and proves him to be what he proclaims. I hope he proves to be a leader one day. And I pray that day may come soon.