I am not crazy, I am just a little impaired

We might have been—these are but common words,

And yet they make the sum of life’s bewailing.

        -Letitia E. Landon

Like (or unlike) most of the people I have a habit of lamenting upon my mistakes longer than required. I do something wrong and then I spend a couple or more days thinking "what if" or "if only" I had not done it in the first place. "What if" is an excruciating prefix for any question. I punish myself even for the most trifling blunders that I may commit. I lie awake and worry about things that others might not have even noticed me doing. Others might forgive me but I just find it so hard to forgive myself. My regrets are KILLERS. I make monsters out of such petty things and they haunt not just my nights but days as well. I never let go. Perhaps, because nobody taught me to how "let go" off things/thoughts/memories. But then this is something that you learn on your own. Ah! I am one hopeless creation of God. Sighs.

Something similar happened today. It is so trivial that you might shake your head in disapproval after reading. Therefore, a word of warning for those whose time is very precious: Do not go any further, you might end up swearing at me for wasting your time. Lol. But I cannot begin to describe how mentally tedious it was for me. Saeed bhai (my driver) got a ticket for using a mobile while driving. Well, technically speaking, he was not using it while driving actually. He stopped the car at the red light and then received the call. However, it was a bad day for him. There were traffic constables standing at both ends of the road. One of them stopped him. I would like to mention something here, I have this thing against the police walas. I mean, I just do not want to have a conversation with them. I think they scare me. So, I stayed put in the back of the car while Saeed bhai tried to convince him to excuse him. Well, I obviously had the option of calling my phuppo and get things settled here. The constable would have greeted me with a Salaam and let us go. However, for some reason I did NOT do that. Saeed bhai got ticketed and I just sat there.

Everything was fine until I came back home. I realised I was pretty tensed. I told my ami what had happened and she was a little annoyed at the driver at first but then something happened to me and I suddenly said, "Ami, I should have called phuppo". I said this because I just realised how disappointed my driver looked. I also realised that the fine for using a mobile while driving is higher than the usual traffic fines. This made me sad. I started feeling bad about all of this. I started feeling bad about myself. I felt bad when I thought I could have saved these few hundreds for him, which might not have been only a "few" for him.

I spent the entire day feeling bad. My head, actually, hurt from thinking so much. I apologized to God also for not helping his creation when I could have easily. Had it really been my driver's fault I would not have been so sad about all of this. But as afore mentioned, technically speaking, it was not his fault, entirely. Nevertheless, by evening an idea had struck me which could have helped me make my heart feel lighter. I implemented it and it felt so much better afterwards. I, literally, felt lighter as if some heavy boulder had been shoved off my chest. I am feeling soooooooooooo much nicer now. Phew!

Yes! Yes! I know I am a wacko. Go on! Laugh your heads off at me or shake them in disappointment. You have no idea how depressed I was. Yes, I know "but this is SO trivial". But that's what I am trying to tell you! I have this tendency of cheezon ko sar per sawaar karlena. I self-inflict myself with worries, woes and what nots! Sighs. This was just one example. My 21(nearly) year history is crammed with such jaw-dropping examples. Hey! Are you laughing at me? Fine. Let's laugh together then!! =)