Three is a crowd

It's papa's birthday today.

I spoke to my therapist in the afternoon today. She's in Dubai, so we had to have an online session.

H & M have been blessed with a baby. She's adorable MashAllah. H is over the moon. He texted me today again, and asked why did I sound so low. I told him things aren't OK with my in-laws which is affecting my relationship with B.

He's been through a similar situation. H's family wasn't readily convinced on getting him married to M. So, they've had to deal with a lot of family dramas too. But there was a slight point of difference, between them and us. H was on M's side, even when things weren't on her side.

So, he naively assumed the same case for me. And advised that I ride the wave for now. When we'll be together it'll be up to us how we shape our personal life, and how much of external interference do we allow. Like I said, naive.

Did I mention Inaya is adorable!! MashAllah. May she be blessed with a good heart and may she be surrounded with people with good hearts too. Amen.

Sometime in the evening today, I stared endearingly at Ammi for a few moments and told her that I'm so thankful to God that he gave us parents like her and papa. I hope and pray that if I ever get a chance to be a parent, I turn out like mine. They've beautiful hearts, especially Ammi.

Ammi stays worried for me these days...


What sort of relationship is this? Everything about it has been a controversy, since the inception. And the trend continues.

I needed a family that would have loved me and cared about me, my feelings.

Long weekend ends tonight. Back to work now. The only place that was a relief for me has now also turned into a shit hole. Welcome to my life, reader.

I was looking forward to (eventually) spending time with B alone once we were to be together. Just the two of us. Uninterrupted.  For each other. Understanding, rehabilitating our relationship.

But so long to that idea too. No alone time for us. There will be company.

Sigh.

Did I ever mention the wallet I bought for him finally reached him? After much running after the company guys, and escalating issues to the owners. Didn't even get a chance to be happy about that. Fml.

It's a closed alley, my friend.

Bh. congratulated me about the wedding date; I didn't have a response to her. Didn't appreciate being congratulated either. But it's not her fault. I shouldn't get upset with my own people.

I'm feeling tired now. I should sleep.

Grey hair

I need an apology. An honest unconditional apology in which a person apologizes not because one thinks the other person needs to hear an apology.

But an apology where the person admits, acknowledges, accepts the wrongs (direct or indirect, intentional or unintentional) and therefore(!), apologizes.

Nobody's sorry. One ought to be.

I kissed ammi and papa today and told them one by one that I love them. Ammi said she loved me too, and papa just asked why, so I told him because he's too cute.

BJ won't be coming for the wedding. I'll rather he comes for S's in December. So, I'll compromise on that. Well, not that I had another option.

I feel like quitting my job. Not because it sucks, it's great. But because I cannot juggle life together with my job anymore. It's too taxing.

I don't look at myself in the mirror much these days. But I did catch a glimpse of my hair a couple of days ago for it to hit me that it has turned even grey-er than I last remember.

I'm not going to get them dyed. My grey hair are my souvenirs, they'll help me remember what I've been through. I have a nostalgic bond with them.

B is extremely ignorant. Ignorance is bliss, they say, so good for him.

S's in-laws seem to be good people. I hope they always stay good with/ to her, inshaAllah.

I've started stress eating a lot lately.

Why do people have to take away the happiness out of my happy moments? Why do these moments tend to get ruined for me?

I wish B was on my side. Not to fight against the rest of world for me, if that's not possible. But to put a hand on my shoulder, and tell me that he's there with me and he understands - understands that the world is being tough on me.

But no. He had to be on the other side. He's not the hand on my shoulder, he's one of the fingers raised at me.

I'm angry. There are times when I can feel my blood boiling.

I should calm down. Because this is life now.

Nothing is OK.

The last two weeks of my life so far, have been excruciatingly tough on me.

Nothing is OK.

My personal life had been going south since quite a while now, but work life has followed suit too. The race is on - which one further devastates me first.

It's been three odd days I guess; I've been tearing up and/ or feeling on the verge of bursting out in tears and cries almost randomly - irrespective of the time and place, not to forget the context.

I was driving to work, I burst out in tears. I was driving back home, and I noticed the warmth of tears rolling down my cheeks. I was sitting in a meeting, listening to my director's opinion on a matter and teared up.

Truth is, it hurts. It hurts unbearably much.

It hurts that your life partner does not stand by your side. It hurts that I've been wronged time and again, and yet I have been condemned over speaking against it. It hurts that instead of being told that whatever is happening with my life is unfair and it shouldn't have happened, I'm being told to suck it up.

It hurts. That I'm not being comforted but confronted.

Who do I blame though? This person who does not even acknowledge whatever is happening or has happened, is wrong? For this person, whatever is happening is absolutely OK, it's well justified, it's acceptable, and reasonable.

The least that could have been said to me was, "I know whatever is happening is not fair, but I'm here by your side - I know this is unfair to you. But please, can you bear with this for me? I wish I could've not let this happen, and I am ashamed that I cannot do anything about it. But I love you, and it's hurting me too, to see you get hurt. But please, for me. For us. Hang in there."

But no. This is too much to ask for. Given what I'm worth, after all. I shouldn't forget.

There's another truth that I've stumbled upon very recently.

This hurt; it's not because of my mental health, my depression. This hurt is real, not abstract. This hurt is what any other person, with a perfectly healthy mental state would feel too, if put through the same that I am going through lately.

Yes, I may have been diagnosed with depression, but this (what I'm feeling lately) is not it - this is simply just 'getting hurt' by people you love, and people who profess they love you.

Bully

I am supposed to be working right now. On a presentation, scheduled for tomorrow, that I have been working on since last week.

It has taken its toll on me.

And then there is my life, apart from work...

I felt like a child last night, who was getting beaten up by some bullies. Begging them to stop, but they won't.

Do you know how that feels? I do now.

I cried and cried. S woke up to it and tried to pacify me. I told her it was late and she must sleep. She asked me to sleep too.

So, I slept.

Sleep takes away the pain.

It's a much deeper wound this time.

Angst at twenty-eight

I want to scream at the top of my lungs;
So hard and so loud, that
All the hurt, all the rage
All the sorrows, and all the agony
Leave me and my body free
And dissipate into the air. 
All these emotions are weighing me down.
Like an anchor dropped down in the sea of despair.


Everybody is a liar and hypocrite. I'm sick, and I hate everyone. I wish to run far, far away. Farther away from all these people who say they love me. They're the ones who, without any understanding, want to chain me down and conform to them, their whims, their likes, dislikes.

I sound like an angst-y teen today.

But all of this is all too real.

Thick skin

I'm tired of being forced into things.

It's one of those days again, when I don't prefer being still alive.

Come, let's cry ourselves to sleep because the pain is unbearable again.

Today was exceptionally rough. And alone.

The last three years

Fall/ Winter '14: 
He was drifting off and I was latching on to him like a person whose life depended on it.

Spring/ Summer '15: 
He left and I eventually accepted that I cannot make him stay.

Fall/ Winter '15: 
He realised he might still love me, but there wasn't much left to salvage now. While I hysterically rummaged through relationships to fill up the colossal void that I was left with in my soul.

Spring/ Summer '16: 
All my relationships were hysterical lies told by a person gripped in fear of being abandoned again and/ or ending up alone, to herself. While he decided he needs to walk back into my life and I should allow it.

Fall/ Winter '16: 
He fights me to let him in, while he simultaneously fought his case with his family. He wins.

Spring/ Summer '17: 
I am a person losing her grip on reality and sanity; hanging in a limbo - of perpetual anticipation.

Fall/ Winter '17: 
We turn into horrible versions of ourselves, while love takes a back seat and cringes.

-

It hit me as I was stepping into the same elevator I had stepped out of 11 hours ago as I head off to work.

I realised what he had said. What last three years? The last one year, yes perhaps, I will not defend that. But the two years before that? No... How can he say that?

Mere thought of it wrings my heart off life - sends out a spasm of agony that pierces the soul.

So, I thought I needed a recap.

I'm sorry I woke up, was what I wanted to say instead.

AV

In the morning today, I had decided that I'd write a note before I go to sleep tonight. About my day, my feelings, and my feelings about my day.

Although I'm extremely tired, and gave up on the idea initially, yet I eventually decided against all odds and came to write a note.

Truth be told, I'm too tired to backtrack and think about the day.

All I want to say right now is that I wish I could see my therapist everyday. She's the only person I really speak to. And now it doesn't even bother me that I pay someone to just buy their time so that they'd hear me out. It is what it is. And I like talking to her.

It relieves me a little knowing that I'm not going to die with all these feelings, emotions and thoughts bottled up inside me.

I just don't like it when she forces me to think too hard and put a finger on my feelings and describe them. I feel trapped at times when I don't have answers to her questions.

Sigh.

In the next session, I plan to speak to her about S.

I need to sleep. My only respite, from life itself.

Thank you God for sleep.

Punched in the stomach

I planned to sleep, but then I reckoned writing might help a little.

So here I am, again, feeling jaded.

May be this was a bad idea. I'll just go.

But before I go...

I wish people in my life didn't make it the sole purpose of their lives to punch me in the stomach, especially when I am already drowning with my own weight - hitting a rock-bottom.

My phone's buzzing... I think an apology is in order. Why? Because I am me. And this me needs to apologize to others for being itself.

It's easier to apologize than it is to explain.

And that folks, is how your own defense mechanism destroys you.

P.S. All I have with me is an inventory of failed relationships, at every level. Well done, me.