Working from home

... Is not cool. ADD is to be blamed.

In another news, here's something I found while sifting through one of my note pads...

(Courtesy: Sloth)

Of reviews, and work on saturdays

AAA: Kya kar rahe hain?

Shah Saab: .... Tumhari Russain ko English banna raha hon!

Me: .... *bursts into laughter*

Oh wait. I'm not Alice, I'm the White Rabbit. Ugh.

I'm in for a new post. Are you?

Dude, work's been a mess. And I've been a bigger mess. Needless to say.

And the life goes on...

New recruitments. Nice people. Some of them are pretty fun actually. Except for one, whom I hate from the bottom of my heart. Oh wait, hate was around 5 on the scale of 10; I abhor him. Abhor was 9. SMAAK and I came up with a hate-o-meter today. SMAAK is one of the new additions. Awesome person. My jaws hurt pretty bad at the end of each day. 'Tum apni life mein itna kabhi nahin hansi hogi...', Shay-bro presumed accurately.

Zak, another nice guy. Actually had a crush on him for a first few days, but it soon washed away. He was engaged, anyways. Hehe. Then there's Ms. Alvi, who happens to be our own dumb-blonde type. Mr. Gandhi and P2, both nice and quiet persons.

Anyways, enough about them now.

As for me, I've been all over the place. Facing serious anger management issues. Throwing temper-tantrums on any and every body who is found near me within a 4 feet radius. God help them. SMAAK unfortunately faces the worst of me, his bad luck we're in the same team. We hate each other (or so we say).

Other than that, I haven't only mastered 'the look' but it has apparently become a permanent facial feature I suppose. *bummer* I keep giving everybody a very "sarra-howa" look (as put by Zak) that supposedly scares them away. SMAAK calls it the "thakura'yn look". Yes, he is mad in every possible way. Shay-bro suspects I love his company. Which is true, I'm afraid. Shay-bro also pointed out that I have started talking (and laughing) more than I used too.

Either my face has started giving everything away, or everybody around me (especially at work) has become a terrific face reader. They somehow score a bull's eye at guessing my mood. If my face is red like a tamatar then without doubt I'm either upset or angry. I also go tamatar when I laugh but laughing is pretty obvious, so no points for guessing. That's how F bhai puts it, at least.

So, someone hid my phone today. And oh my God, was I mad? I was madder than the mad-hatter gone evil. I was so pissed off. Al Amaan Al Hafeez. I couldn't find my phone so I just sat down with a face redder than the reddest tamatar. While, SMAAK apparently went on a search operation. I overreacted a bit, but it wasn't entirely my fault yar. I was already in a rotten mood because of what the idiot Pattoki said about me and SMAAK to Shay-bro. All my chirp went down the drain. I mean who the hell is that idiot to say how we should or should not behave. Us laughing is unprofessional, and him cracking tawdry jokes is very professional. What the hell? SMAAK doesn't know about this yet.

So, when my mood went from awesome to awful after the jerk Pattoki said what he said. SMAAK comes and says to me, "I loathe you, oh wait no. What was that word that you used, the one that was on 9. Yes, abhor. I abhor you so much that I wish to kill you and you abhor me equally but right now I'm seriously concerned about you. What's wrong? You were all perked-up a little while ago and now you look so depressed."

I laughed. Yes, I did. Even amongst all the angst and anger.

Oh yes, the phone story was unfinished. So, anyways after everybody realised how pissed off I was someone put my phone back inside my bag's front pocket while I went out (to regain my composure because all that rage was tearing my eyes up). I'm afraid come of them even caught me all teary eyed and I was kind of embarrassed. Well, eventually I realised I behaved pretty rudely with Zak and SMAAK so I apologized. Zak said there was no need while SMAAK. Uff. He put on his joker cap once again.

Khair, to sum it all. I need to control my rage. I need to laugh less. A smile would suffice, instead. I need to talk less. I need to be the way I used to be. Reserved and uninterested. This person that I am becoming- the funny, sarcastic, interesting, outspoken, wonderful person; it  is only allowed to exist within the window of my blog. It cannot come to life. It should not. I cannot allow myself that much liberty. I need to be careful. Why? I have no idea.

So, how have you been? *grins*

It's about the last post

 I even had an eleventh point....(and a twelfth, and thirteenth, and oh shut up!). We were talking about the eleventh point. I wanted to add how I never really get a lot of gifts. *frowns* I only get them on my birthdays usually.

So, guess what happened today! Yes, sir. I received a beautiful gift- a perfume. It's Essence de Femme. And, it's oh-so-lovely!

You know, it's never about the gift, I mean not in terms of the object that's being presented to you. What matters is the love and the warmth with which you're being given something. Haina?

I have so many silly/amusing-office-updates to share. Will do them soon, hopefully.

Sighs.

*smiles*

I'm so out of titles.

Z. bought me turtles three days ago. It was a surprise gift. My first surprise gift ever, I reckon. Um yeah, the first, as far as I remember.

I went to the hospital directly after work as ammi loog went to see F. and so, I had to pick them. I was so freakin' tired but as soon as I entered the room the weariness started to dim out. *smiles* Anyways, just as I entered, Annieo, B and R were leaving. F was better. S (my sister) had also come to see F. right from her uni. so was pretty tired herself. She asked ammi to leave and as we were about to leave F asked me to stay as I hadn't really got a chance to have a chit chat with her. I was a little apprehensive if ammi would allow me to stay back (for apparent reasons- or not so apparent, may be- may be it's just me- chor ki daari mein tinka, I guess :p). So anyways, I asked and ammi agreed. Just like that.

Then, it was just me, F and Z. Had a good time. Dr. H is funny and an acha insaan. Half my khaandaan goes to him. And while, he was cracking jokes on F, he looked at me for secondment, he did a double take and uttered, 'Oh yeh tou apni hai!'  *smiles* Doctors should have good humour. Z is awesomely humourous too but, Z isn't a doc. Uh well, not for humans (or even animals) at least. While we were at the hospital, S. called Z on the cell and said something which worried Z. Z didn't tell me what was up.

Ami had asked Z to drop me off once Aunta arrived. And, she got there pretty late. Once, she got there we took off. On the way, Z told me that Z has bought a pair of turtles for me but I was also told that one of them was dead already (that's what the call was about). I didn't know how t react. I was ecstatic but my glee wasn't reciprocated 'cause Z was sad about one of the turtles. I was sad too but, I was a bit too overwhelmed to be 'totally' sad. I had been looking for turtles since quite a few months. Had asked BJ. to get them for me but, he was too confused about which kind did I want. So, he wanted me to go to Empress Market with him which was so out of question, lol.

Z and I named him 'Aslan' after the Lion from Narnia. *grins* S. suggested 'Toofaan', lol. Ammi suggested 'Napoleon'. And, I was thinking of naming him after one of the Ninja Turtles, Michelangelo, perhaps. (I'm wearing a Ninja Turtles's sweat shirt right now ;) ) But for now, he's 'Aslan'. What do you think?

He's a baby and hence, so smaaaaalll. And, soo cute. I don't have a proper home for him yet because, it was a surprise and I wasn't a bit prepared. Therefore, I have made a temporary dwelling for him- in a tub. *smiles*

Z is so cute. This was the most awesome-est gift I ever received. Honest.

I asked Z to bring Eeman, Aminah and Hamza to see Aslan, today and they came. Hamza didn't come, though. The badmaash was asleep.

Um, what else? *smiles*

'Little girl... in her fairy tale world', that was my senior supervisor. Why did he say that, I have no clue. I wish I had replied him by saying, 'And since when did fairy tales started having audit firms in them, huh?' I told you, I wasn't job material. I'm so devastatingly pampered, I feel very vulnerable at times. However, a pleasant surprise is the fact that I have been pampered at work as well. Till date, at least. I find everybody so concerned about me and my problems, which feels really... nice. *smiles* Alhamdolillah.

Can I tell you something? Promise me, you won't throw stuff at me? Remember, how I bakwasified about being confused and indecisive and then later, about not taking up the contract and just completing the internship? Well.... I... I took the contract. (But, I don't plan to stay for three years). Uh, don't say anything. Please. I'm the most confused and the pagal-est person on this green blue earth, I know.

Papa is coming home. On monday, InshaAllah. Yayy!!

Umm.... There were actually other things that I wanted to write about too but, I don't remember any more. Uff! My memory is horrible, with a capital 'H'!

Who's going to tell me what I want?

Somebody?

Anybody?

Sighs. I'm confused. I don't know. I cannot decide if I want to continue what I am doing right now. I cannot even decide if I like my work. I thought I had till December to come up with a decision but I'm surmising, I don't. They are converting my internship contract into a three-year contract for my articles, earlier than expected. Err... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I cannot decide. Three-years.... it's too long. It's a big four firm but.... (to hell with the big four ranking). It's not about the firm's ranking. It's about what I want. And, I don't know what I want. Is this what I want? Being an auditor (or the likes)? How can I be so boring? So uncreative? 'Creativity' is an offense in this field. One has to live by the defined principles. You cannot digress. You cannot think on your own. Okay, I'm in Risk Advisory (it's a lot better than audit) but... uh. I never even wanted to work a job, in the first place. It's not even a part of my long-term goals. (Do I even have long-term goals?). I just want to complete my studies and then, unwind. Working..... I don't know. But... if this is not what I want then why the bloody hell am I so confused? Why don't I just decline? Why can I not decide? Oh Lord! Help me...... I feel like breaking down.

All in a day's work- Not

Something very funny happened today.

I cannot stop laughing thinking about it.

"I've been seeing you around... but haven't got a chance to speak to you..."

"...."

Really? Wow. It's must have been very difficult for you, yeah? Considering the way you speak to any and every one, not getting a chance to have spoken to me must have been uber tough on you.

I wish I wouldn't have come to that desk to use the other system. Lol.

Tsk. Tsk. *chuckles*

Shells and doors

"I like living in my shell, you see"

"And, does that shell have a door...?"

"...."

I am tired, but at peace...

A messy consolation note from ZB.

She left me this note yesterday while I was working on an office assignment. *smiles* I left my notebook for a while and when I returned this note was sticking out its tongue at me. ZB. needs to improve her skills at Paint, lol.

I have been a little busy. The reporting deadline for this assignment is nearing and hence, the increased work load. I finally have work to do now *sighs with relief* Therefore, the listlessness has bid farewell, which is a good thing. My team mates have started accepting me. They no more treat me like an extra-terrestrial body. Phew! Thank God. *wipes the sweat off the forehead* I am tired, yes. I haven't slept properly since a few nights. My head has started hurting a bit. And I miss Blogger. *frowns* For me, the scope of internet has now been restricted to Blogger/Wordpress and a couple of sites that I visit to listen to music. Ah. Music reminds me of the fact that I have an eccentric taste in music. Eccentric in the sense that my taste doesn't match much with most of the people my age. Only a few hours ago, Z. (not the sister) awed at me for the reason that I was listening to a qawwali. Oh! By the way, which reminds me that a few days ago when we went to R.'s place, we were listening to manqabats and stuff. I found a beautiful qawwali by Khan sahib in R.'s playlist and it was marvelous, I'm telling you. I'll share it soon. Anyways, so yeah, I have a boorhay loog kind of taste. I remember last summer, when we went for the Kashmir tour. A tour-fellow, after listening to my playlist, gave me a surprised look and said to another person, "Iss ki playlist tou check karo. Aisa lagta hai jaise is mein koi purane zamaney ki rooh ghussi ho.." *grins* I can relate my taste to my elders however, it's very seldom that people my age share the same taste with me. However, this by no means implies that I don't like aaj kal ka music. In fact, I do. I do like the good ones, of course. Ab itni bhi boorhi nahin hon. *smiles*

This is abrupt but I have to go. Something inside my abdomen has suddenly started aching badly. I think it's my kidneys probably. I am hardly drinking water these days. I think I'm trying to kill myself. Uh. Whatever.

Good night.

All in a day's work II

I've to remove this orange sorbet nail colour from my nails. It's looking messy now. Oh! Have I told you how crazy I am about nail colours? I ♥ nail polishes. I don't wear much make-up ('cause I don't need to :p) but nail colour is a must. I like to use different colours at a single time (sometimes). Multi-coloured nails, you see. ZH. thinks it looks crazy. Never mind. ☺

This is my first weekend after I've started my interns. Now I'll too be thanking God for Fridays. Yet another reason to thank God. Alhumdolillah. I was telling Sh. the other day that an internee becomes a bhikaari most of the times. "Allah ke naam per koi kaam de do baba"!  No, really! My first day was borrrring. I had one other internee with me called Shayan, he used to be with me at Lyceum too but I didn't know him then. There was another person called Hassan as well but he was posted at the client's. Shayan passed the Core papers. I didn't. *sobs* Stupid Corporate Reporting! So, anyways. As I am awfully awful at talking with random people so I ended up being the usual- awful, that is. There was just one girl other than me and she was hired around 3 years ago. Her name's Mariam. She's nice- may be. I am not sure. J. says she's rude. But J. is a cartoon.

I didn't have any work on the first day. Just sat and gave gawky stares, lol. Second day was a bit better, got a little work to do which was a relief. E. bhai gave me GIPS report to read which constituted of 78 pages. o.O That was crazy. Instead of reading the report I opened up BBC and browsed the news. ☺Later, S2. Sir  informed me that I'll be posted at one of the client's from the next day. That made me sad. Itni mushkil se I had adjusted in here and now another new place and new people. Anyways, so I went to the client's the next day. F. is sweet. A little boring. Doesn't talk much, pretty shy I guess. S1. Sir is very nice and kind but U. sir.... Uff! He looks so irritated. He scares me. The fourth day was awful. F. didn't utter a single word to me. Actually, it's only F. with whom I can speak, you see. Because, the other two people are seniors and a lot older than me. Therefore, it went pretty boring and to top it S1. Sir gave me the client's Financial Statements to read. Ugh. Fifth day was awesome. ☺Mhm.. That's about it. My first week at work. Umm.. You know, because a girl has been hired after such a long time, there seems to be a coldness that gets eerie at times. And then, I am not very great at breaking the ice either so it's a little blah for the time being. I think it'll take a little more time until I can settle myself in with them. I am fine with no talking until and unless I have got work to do. However, when I neither have something to do and nor anyone to talk to, I feel like banging my head with the wall.

I want to complete NFS Shift. I am just not getting the time. It's half done. Every week Sam asks me "Aani have you installed it yet.." and I reply him with the same ghisa pitta answer. Ugh. I am so lazy. I need to buy a few more games. I haven't played Project IGI 2 yet. Imagine that. There are so many games I haven't checked out. I have become boring. Okay! Enough with the laziness. I will install Shift today and complete it real soon. Insha'Allah. *grins*

And so, it doesn't matter...

You know what 'brain dead' means, right? But do you know what 'feel dead' means? It's like being emotionally dead, you see. I have a tag amongst my Labels that says, 'Emotional Floods'. I think I should have another - 'Emotional Drought'. Ha. I don't know. I am failing to feel. I have grown pretty much numb. For some reason, this doesn't-matter-to-me attitude has undertaken me and hence, nothing no more seems to matter. I cannot decide if it is a good thing or a bad thing. The only thing that I am realizing is that it gets scary sometimes.

Nothing rings any bells anymore. Nothing strikes the heart's chords anymore. Perhaps, my chords broke down. Perhaps, it was I who broke them. Whatever it was, it doesn't matter now. It feels as if I have let off everything. It feels as if I have given in to the rushing torrent of time and now it will take me where ever it wants. During the course, I might hit some rocks. I might injure myself a little, perhaps. I can also get deposited on a river bank.  And if not, then I will ultimately be drained into the sea. But does it matter? I don't think so. *smirks*

You know I failed a course. *smiles* Yeah. Yeah. I failed and I am smiling. See, I told you nothing matters anymore. Had my result on the 23rd and I failed one out of 3 courses that I attempted. Corporate Reporting was an evil wizard, trust me. The exam went awful so I wasn't expecting anything great. Anyhow, so I failed for the first time in my life. And what was my reaction to it? Ha. I didn't feel a thing. Not a single drop of tear. Trust me. I have cried at scoring badly in exams. I remember my AS Level, I scored a B in Economics. My parents were in Islamabad that day and I cried so much over the phone. I cried so much. I remember my grade in General, I was in such denial. I was shattered. But this time, when I have not just scored low, but I actually have flunked. I am too indifferent to care. The moment I viewed my result, my reaction was as if I was looking at someone else's result. I felt as sad as I would have if someone I merely knew would have failed. It was a surprise. Not my result, my reaction.

I am hurt. But it doesn't ache. So, I guess I am fine for the time being. It feels as if I have been anesthetized. I feel nothing. This is insane. I don't like it much.

I have to go. I have these irksomely lengthy Notes to Accounts to read from our client's Annual Reports and then I also have to skim through SOX 4.0.4 and AS.5. Ugh. Oh yes. I started working from Monday. It's good. Err... okay... no.. it's just fine. You know in approx. three years or so, I am the first girl that they have hired in this dept. Sighs. I'll leave the rest to your imagination for the time being. Haven't been able to write about it. Haven't you noticed the teeny weeny length of my last few posts. I've been a little a busy and a lot tired. But I'll write about it soon insha'Allah.

P.S. Bj, I miss you yaar!

Why, thank you. I am feeling good...!

So, guess what?

I got in at the firm I interviewed. *amazed* I just got a call from them. Haha. I find this very amusing, horribly funny, to be precise. The mess that I made up at my first interview, I was not even expecting a call for the second interview. And not only did I get called for the second, I even got selected. That is hilarious, I tell you.

You want to know how did I mess my first-ever interview up? I will tell you (even if you don't want me to). *smiles* Okay so these Big Four accounting firms tend to ask you a lot from your syllabus. They might ask you anything from anywhere in the course of your studies. So, it is not just the usual job/internship kind interview, you see. It is only scarier. There was a panel of three people, a girl and two men. The girl was pretty sweet but- what use shall I put thy sweetness to, my dear- She hardly asked me anything. It was the two guys who were so inclined to play the rapid fire round with me. One of them was okay, a little casual in manner while the other was Ugh. Don't ask. He was so serious. Serious to the extent of being rude, you see. And he was the one asking the most hardest questions. Making up the most weirdest catch-22 situations and asking me, "What will your course of action be?" Hmph. He was evil. Meri masoom shakal per bhi reham nahin araha tha. He caught my words and used them against my very own self. *frowns* And I, I was adamantly trying to prove myself dumber than dumb. Everything that came out of my mouth, was in such stark contrast with what was inside my head. And it all seemed so dumb. I couldn't really notice the (uselessly)sweet girls expression on my answers but the guy who wasn't rude, I caught him hiding his smile by resting his hand on his mouth. Probably the smile was pretty obstinate and hence, it leaked from the corners. However, you know what? These two men who were in the panel, when I saw them moving here from there while I was waiting for the interview, I thought they might be internees or something like that. *grins* But no sir, one of them was the assistant manager I heard and the other must be something of that sort as well. The entire time, I wondered internship ke liye itnay papar bailne parte hain tu yahan job ke liye konsa pahar torrwatay hongay yeh loog. Anyways, so itniiiiiiiiii dair ke baad the interview ended and they asked me 'do you want to ask anything' and I blurted out a blatant 'no'. That is not impressive, I tell you. If you want to impress them, ask them some intelligent question, I've learnt. When I blurted out the 'no', the rude guy stared at me and repeated 'no?' and then I repeated 'no!'. Haha. I am so dheeet. So, yes, I messed up the entire interview except the fact that I was very confident while successfully messing it up. Oh and yes, I was smiling. No, no! It wasn't a cordial smile. The smile was merely a result of an attempt to suppress a huge outburst of laughter. I was so very well aware of my stupidity and hence, the smile.

After I got home, I narrated my messy memoirs to all and gave them a reason to laugh. I can be entertaining too, you know. So, I told my mother to rest assured that they won't call me again. But on the contrary, a few hours after I got back home my phone rang and hello! It was them. *smiles* I was literally astonished. I couldn't stop myself from laughing then. May be, I overrated my dumbness. Perhaps, I am not that stupid as I think. I guess, I wasn't all that bad (shayad unhain meri masoom shakal per reham aa he gaya) *insert an angelic smile here*. Anyways, I got a call for the second interview and they asked me to come the next day i.e. yesterday. I was pretty nervous yesterday, we were supposed to be interviewed by the dept. head so yes, that was creepy. The people who went before me were held for sooo long. Each of them took around half an hour or so. That further frightened me. Anyways, those of us who were waiting for our turns tried to calm our nerves by talking to each other. Thanks to this girl, who also happened to be a friend's friend, everybody gelled in. If it wasn't for her, I am sure I must have been sitting silently and others would have once again comfortably assumed me to be arrogant and proud. Whatever. Blah. When I was called in, the head greeted me sooo warmly. A lively smile painted across my lips. The first sentence he uttered was, "I have seen you some where..." Yes, he said that, lol. Anyways, so it was contrary to what I had expected. It went pretty well. Most of it was a one-way talk. He seemed like a nice man. By the way the head spoke, I presumed that those of us who have been called today will get selected. And I did!

I am happy. Risk Advisory is going to be interesting, I hope. It will be better than Audit, I am certain. It is a good opportunity. No, it is an awesome opportunity. I got in at one of the Big Four firms! Yayyy!! Wait! Wow! I applied to a big four firm, had my first interview ever and I got in. Whoa! I guess I am just very lucky. Alhumdolillah.

Long post, uh? *smiles* But you insisted on knowing. Oh wait! No, I was the insistent one. Haha. General knowledge is good, bhaee. You should have some too.

I am not feeling fine now.Actually, I am feeling good. Now that is a feeling, you see. I cannot assure you how long will this feeling last. I cannot tell you how long before I start feeling fine again. But nevertheless, I will try to feel good for as long as I can. *Does that count as optimism?* *grins*

Interview! Interview! Interview!

*panics*

I have an interview on Wednesday. Haye Allah! Can we please skip Wednesday this week and directly have Thursday instead?

This is going to be the first (well yes, the first official) interview to any firm for me. This could have been the second had the one I had before were not "so" unofficial sort. So, this is going to be the first ever. And to add the cherry to the cake, "jitni bari firm, utne baray nakhray!" Sighs. But, I don't like talking to people much. Aur woh bhi complete strangers. *sobs*

I do not want to screw this up. Let's hope I don't. You know, if they ask me "why did you choose our company and not any other?" I will tell them honestly that "sir jee, let me correct you. I didn't choose you, you chose me and I have the exact same question for you hopping up and down inside my head. Seriously, what were you thinking?" Then if they ask me, "so, Ms. A.H. what inspires you?" I think I will be honest with them again. My answer will be, "the thing, dear interviewer, is that nothing inspires me. Yes, you heard that right. I am a narcissist. Did I forget mentioning it in my resume? So yeah, I believe I am an inspiration in my ownself (for the permanent residents of the loony bin, you see!)" And if they ask me, "Will you please enlighten us about what you perceive as your strengths and weaknesses?" "Oh definitely, that's my favourite question by the way. My weaknesses are that I am a fool, yes, yes, an utter fool, I am so awfully sentimental, I am hyper-hyper-sensitive, I am terrifyingly short-tempered, I am so fastidious, unreasonable, hopelessly depressed almost always, not at all out going- I am a chooha that likes staying in its bill, an introvert, ... *goes on for about another ten minutes* and my strengths are that... that... umm... err... *goes on for about another ten minutes again* Uh, I actually cannot think of any right now, I am a little nervous, you know. *smiles sheepishly* And if they ask me... Do you still think they might ask me more questions after all this? Haha. You are funny, I tell you. Or... May be, just may be, they might actually (only if they are the permanent residents of the loony bin I mentioned above and I happen to inspire them).

Okay, enough wacko-pana. *smiles* I am just feeling a little crazy ever since after the sehri. What did I have in sehri? Just the usual. You want to know what's the usual, eh? Nope, that's a secret I will never tell. *smiles again* I just could not sleep after namaz and all. So, I was tossing and turning in my bed and successfully irritating S., my sister (eik tou I have so many Ss and Zs and As and et ceteras in my life). So, as I tossed my head from one side to another I heard my sister shout "Allahhhhhh!" "Kya hua?", I said. "Apne baal sambhalo!" And I turned my face away mumbling, "itne lambay tu nahin hai mere bechare baal (Kaash hotey)" I so want to grow my hair. I love long hairs. Z. suggests, "tie your hair into a braid and then tie a gigantic rock at the end" *shocked* Imagine that! Stop it! Stop imagining, silly. I was only kidding. Hpmh.

I don't like the idea of working a job. Then why on earth am I putting myself through all this? Because I want to make my pa jani and ami proud of myself. Sighs. Haye!... Aap ka kya hoga janab-e-aali... Aap ka... Shut up! Roza hai, stop humming!

This is such a stupid post. I am only writing this because I cannot sleep and I have nothing better in my life to do therefore, you should read this only when you cannot sleep or have nothing better in your life to do.

 Ohhh! You have already read it, haven't you? The warning was uselessly late, no. Hmm... Ab tu kuch nahi hosakta...!

Have a good morning. Oh and yes, smile! That not-so-drop-dead-gorgeous face of yours might look a tad bit better, you know. So, s-m-i-l-e!

Subha Bakhair...

You are such a cry baby!

A single day at work was adequate for me to realise that I cannot take this. I just don't have it in me. Nope! I don't!

I cannot work! I was looking for an internship and applying here and then there and then everywhere. Haye! The market is so saturated, just getting an internship has become a tough nut. How would it be like to find a job- Don't even want to think about it. Uh. Tsk. Tsk. Let me tell you something- I just realised that the entire country is being run on a "source". God! You need a source for everything. What the hell happened to the "chiriya" named merit? Anyways, so I got into an audit firm. Sigh. Don't even ask how the experience was. I walked in to the office in the morning and left in the evening deciding in my heart never to return here again. Audit Firms are SO boring! B-o-r-i-n-g! The people who work their are not people. A day's trip to a firm scraped off my hardened bruises and made me repeat the same old sentences for a zillionth time. "Mein yeh sab kion kar rahi hon. Why am I studying this. It is not meant for me. Kis manhos ghari mein I chose this field. Et cetera." What makes me sad is the fact that this is going to be a life long regret. And you know, what makes it even sorer? What augments the soreness is the fact that even though I hate what I am doing but I have to pretend otherwise in front of others (except for a handful of people). This one time only, I am finding it very hard to accept that I have messed up- messed up the most important decision of my life. Ch!

Anyways, I have also realised that I am not tough enough. I am not job material. I cannot work, as I have already mentioned. I cannot. My office was near I. I. Chundrigar Road and the area was terribly crowded with vehicles, people and buildings. I am not used to these hustling bustling crowds. I did not even have friends. I am not used to being alone. While I was in the office, I felt like crying. My eyes did become teary a couple of times for absolutely nil reason. Can you believe that? I felt homesick. Stop rolling your eyes. *frowns* I said I am not that type. Even I did not know I was such a chiriya-hearted person. I have made a shocking discovery! I, A. H., am a wild, crazy, outspoken, whimsy, carefree, etc person only and only inside my comfort zone. My comfort zone refers to my home, my entire family, a few close friends. My world's pretty small, huh?  So, yes, the moment I step out of this zone POOF! You will not find a person graver than me. Chiragh le ker dhondne se bhi nahin milega! *smiles*

My first day was terrifyingly eventful. It was Monday. While me and BJ were on our way back home, we were stuck in an awful traffic jam and then we found out that riots had broken out because an MPA was shot. We got home so late ami jani and everybody were worried sick. But thanks God we did. Around 32 people were killed. I cannot narrate how tense I felt. For some idiotic reason all the streets lights also were switched off and the roads were spookily dark and empty. Sigh. Where is this country going? What happens to the innocent blood that has been shed? Where we do go from here? Floods, Storms, Lightning, Plane crashe, Target killings... What's next?

(Allah saa'in please forgive all of us for we have erred and erred again.)