And so, I sigh again...

Sh: "Ohh you fool! Rona bhi kis baat per araha hai wah wah!"

My stupid eyes fill up with stupid tears so easily. Ugh. I hate it. Why do I have to be so sensitive? Like 5x more sensitive than an average person. I realise I cannot go on in this half demented world like this. I cannot. But I'm so helpless.

I cry when others get hurt because of me. I cry when they have to hear scoldings because of something that might have been a mistake on my part. I cry when people don't scold me for being careless.

I disgust myself. Thoroughly.

Cigarettes...

Tsk Tsk Tsk.

Wey mein chori chori tere naal
laa layyan akhaan wey...

I like her voice. I like the crudeness it has. No, I'm not talking about Meesha Shafi. I'm talking about Reshma. *smiles*



I wished to embed another nazm sung by her but I'm unable to do so. So, here is the link to Aksar Shab-e-tanhai mein.

Aksar shab-e-tanha'ii mein
Kuch dair pehle neend se...

I am angry. Very angry.

You haven't lost your smile at all...

"You haven't lost your smile at all, it's right under your nose. You just forgot it was there..." 

- Author unknown

I am so utterly stupid. 

I can control my expressions almost always save, when the expression is a smile. It's so so so hard to prevent my lips from curving into a smile. The only solution in such a situation is to look away. But looking away doesn't help much either. Because I blush too much. Excessively, I tell you. It doesn't matter whether I'm undertaken by anger or delight, one thing is sure and that'd be... Yes, my face turning into a tomato.

My smile is so obvious. It gets embarrassing some time. *smiles*

Ain said something to Z. and I overheard so, I couldn't keep myself for smiling. But, I was so concerned about Ain not noticing my smile, I started fixing my chapal's strap for absolutely no reason. Because, I knew had she spotted me smiling I would have come in the line of fire which would have been uber embarrassing.

I smile too much. (I don't know, may be not really).

♦♦♦

Oh c'mon Z.! Did you really have to have a head ache the same day I did? Please dude! I never get sick (Alhumdolillah) and when I finally did, you decided to try and steal the stage from me. Hmph! Not fair. I am being mean, no? Okay, excuse me, lol. I wonder if this was the reason I was so cross with you today. *smiles sheepishly* I can also be prove to be utterly lame as well at times. 

♦♦♦

If I was a kid now and someone would have asked me, 'beta what do you want to be when you grow up?' I would have said without a slightest delay, "a Cookie Monster!"

Such is my love for the Cookie Monster. *blushes*

[Image courtesy: deviantART]

Not-so-dear Migraine

Dear Migraine,

I can't thank you enough for ruining my entire day today. I realise you love me so very much and hence, you feel obliged to pay me a visit from time to time. I cannot explain to thee how I highly appreciated your prolonged absence was but, you don't seem to appreciate my appreciation, now do you?

I want to sing a song for you, for all the trouble you went through to reach me. *sings* Ohh! I just died in your arms tonight today.... It must've been something you said...

Let me thank you for making me feel that death was an easier option. Let me also tell you, how I despise the pathetic auras that you send me as harbingers of your arrival. Thank you for forcing tears out of my eyes while I was at work. I am sure you have absolutely no idea how embarrassed I felt trying to hide my tears. 

I can still feel you lurking around. I wish you would leave now and for good. I hate you very much and never wish to see you again. However, I know you are one hell of a stalker, aren't you? 

Hmph.

Sick of you,

Ann.

Chocolates & Changes

I don't seem to like chocolates anymore. I've lost the craving, lately. I still have a sweet tooth but, chocolates have been pushed way down the 'I-like-list'.

Change is insinuating deep inside me, I feel it. For better, or for worse, I am unable to decide.

The things that you want to change, seem to stay constant and stick out their tongue at you. And, the things that you never wanted to change... Sighs.

Change is inevitable. And, indispensable too, at times.

My axis

I love the extent to which I drive BJ crazy. I drive everybody insane but let's just talk about BJ today. I sometimes feel he wants to eat me kacha. *insert the same old dheet smile again* Oh well,  he doesn't leave any stone unturned either, during his endeavours towards driving me mad.

Eik tu I don't like eating and then he kept on bugging me during dinner today. I was on th brink of a huge break out, I swear. I was just this close to leaving my plate and walking away with anger. He kept nudging me while I was eating and God! Was that irritating. But then, I loved how I messed up his hairs totally and then started pulling at them. (Who'd say he's so many years older than me? *grins*)

He keeps calling me bil'li (a cat, that is). If not billi then Aiman. My name is NOT Aiman. I wish he'd stop calling me that, lol. I sometimes tend to forget what my real name is, huh? He insists I and Bj both are 'certified pagals'. He denies any relation with any of us. Yeah, right. *smiles* But he loves me soooo. And, he's the cutest person. The most seedha insaan on earth that I've come across. And he receives so many scoldings from papa and ami. Aww. I love you BJ. I don't really like when they scold you. Only I can be bad with you. *Insert an evil laugh*

I pray for you always always always. I pray for you to have a wonderful life, to be blessed with a gazillion more blessings from Allah Saa'iin, to always be happy, to be safe and, to have a strengthened faith in Him. I always pray for you, Bj and papa. You guys are the axis around which my life revolves. I love you guys so much. Yes, I am very arrogant at times, I know. *squirms* Forgive me, please. I really love you.

Feeling a little orange-ish, are we?

Orange has been my favourite colour since ever. But, I dislike how the skyline appears to have an orange-ish  hue at night. I miss looking up at a black or a very dark blue night sky with twinkly little stars shining upon me. Hmph.

Autumn is setting in, isn't it? I felt it today. The dry wind and that particular scent that it carries along with it...

Whining feels great. Well, most of the times. Been doing that a lot lately. I've been whining continuously to Sh. since Tuesday. The whining session starts around 10 am and goes on until around 5 pm, lol. She complains about how sore her ears have got. *smiles* C'mon, she is the only one with whom I allow myself the liberty to whine. And by the way, I whine about only 'half' of my issues. (Wait till Sh. hears this! Half? Haha. She'll decide to kill herself) But, it's true. I swear, it is. Sigh. I would like if you listen to my whinings ("all"). I won't mind the ups and downs of your brow on the condition that I know I'm being heard- really carefully, that is. You can scold me all you want but, don't you dare tell me how stupid I sound. Oh, no! 

I shall resume whining again; from Monday. *grins* I am cute. Uh oh! Where did that come from? *squirms* Wherever.

*sings* Cry Cry Itnaaaa Cry karte hain kaye ko... Itnaaa dartey hain kaye koo.....?!!  



I need a slight chaan'ta too, lol. 

Stop being a show-off. I mean, pleeeease!

Khosham Me-Aayad...

"Khosham me-ayad" by Farhad Darya

"Bass ke dar aatash-e hijraan-e kas-e sokhtayee

Ashk-e jaan parwar o aah-e tu khosham me-ayad..."

Okay. Here's another song that I adore very much. It's by an Afghan singer and is in Dari dialect of Farsi. Exotic much? Yeah, I know. *smiles*

I want to learn Farsi some day, Insha'Allah. Well, because I am in love with this language for some reason. *smiles*

And she will be loved...

Behis'si thi ke mere zabt ka andaaz tha yeh

Muztarib tha bhi agar, mein kabhi barham tou na tha

I wish I could've said this sher  for myself but well, that's way out of question. In my case, barhami depends exponentially on the iztiraab. This couplet, nevertheless, opened a new door for me. Not a door that unveils the secrets of the lost city of Atlantis or some X-files from A-51 or the location of Holy Grail, for that matter. No. Nothing as such. What lies behind this door is a fact that's so obvious that it never grasped my attention, until now. 

Anyhow, yesterday S. was listening to Maroon 5's "She will be loved". (Hayye. I've always loved this song) I was lying beside her in ami's room and, something struck me about this song for the first time. I suddenly wished to find someone who'd catch me every time I fall. Yes, every time. I wished that every time I fall, someone would shake his/her head in disapproval and yet, reach out for my hand and pick me up. I won't mind a little scolding either. *insert a wide and a very dheet smile here* I'll persist on falling, though. 

I don't want to change. I know I am not good. I am so so so bad. I know. People have said this to me enough times to make me believe this. Which again, by the way, brings me to this empty wrapper of Dove's Promises that is lying in front of me. I have no idea which of the two monsters ate it and left the wrapper here but had I been superstitious I would have taken this as an omen of some kind. *smiles* You want to know what the message on its inside says? It says, Never let others' opinion change the way you feel about yourself. Uhh...But it's a little too late already. I have changed a lot; for the ones I love. However, somehow I'm still work-in-progress.

Umm... I have a lot to say. The rants don't end here. Oh no, they don't! *chuckles* 

Mid-September night dreams..

Or was it mid-summer...? *grins*

Happy Birthday Z.
(Still a few minutes left for the date to bid farewell, till next year)

I wish you all the happiness in life. I pray to God that every single wish of yours may come true in a manner that is even more wonderful than what you hoped for.

Evolution

Love. It isn't what it once used to be, is it?

It is a magnificent piece of literature that has lost its charm in translation.

A once-marvelous work of architecture that has lost its wonder at the hands of time. Now but a remnant suggesting a beautiful structure that once stood with all its air.

A holy scripture that has been adulterated over centuries. And now, is anything but close to its true sacred form.

A religion, once divine, recreated and corrupted by man. A religion that has been robbed off of all divinity and sanctity.

That my dear, is love as we know it.

It came. It went away.

Eid Mubarak. *smiles*

I have had a wonderful Eid- packed with joy and happiness. I want to write about it but... I'm out of words. Or perhaps, not in mood right now. But you get the point, don't you? *grins* I hope you had an equally great Eid.

The brief Eid break ends tonight. Back to work from tomorrow. *frowns*

The mehndi that A. put on my palms just yesterday whispered something to me just now. *smiles* It told me I've come a long long way. There were times I disliked henna. I liked how nice it looked on everybody else but I never wanted to have it on my hands. I was nothing even close to a girl. When I look at Eeman, she reminds me of myself as a kid. I gave my ami such a tough time. She used to worry about me so much. She often wondered, Kya hoga iss larki ka. She was especially worried about my dressing style. I always, always had my denims on and few of my favourite shirts that I used to wear over and over again. How much I despised the eastern attire. My ami used to request aunta to speak to me about it. She used to ask A. and B. to lure me into believing how good I looked in kameez shalwar and similar attires. And now... Look at me. *smiles and shakes head*

People change. Change is inevitable, isn't it? *smiles*

Wishes, letters and more...

I hated you for the initial ten years of my life. Then, I loved you for the next ten. I guess it's time to hate you again- for another ten years. *smirks* I see the change has already set in. Whoever said human feelings cannot follow a pattern. There is a pattern, don't you see? It is cyclical. Ha.


I think I should abstain from such bakwaas for tonight, at least.

It's Chand Raat. It's going to be Eid tomorrow. Yayee! Guess what, I received a text from an unknown number that read, "Happy moon night =P". Okay, whatever, lol.

Sighs. I am missing so many people. *frowns* Uh, okay no, not many, I am missing only a couple of people. I think I'll write some imaginary letters to them. Umm... Here they go.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Dear papa jani,

I miss you. I wish you were here.  I love it when you pick up the phone and I say, "Asalamalaikum papa jaaani" and you reply with a cheery, "Walekumsalam papa jaani". Pa, I love you. So very much. Tsk. Tsk. Have I ever told you that you are my only shield against ami's ghussa. *winks* Bet you never knew that. Oh God! I am missing you so much. I wish I could teleport to you and give you a very tight hug.

May my thoughts find you in the best of health. All of us are going to miss you on Eid. And again, before I end my letter, I love you. I always will.

Yours,

Ann.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Dear Bj,

I miss you, you fool. Had you been here, we'd be out roaming on the streets in the bazaars. As of now, I am reading The Lost Symbol. Imagine that. I am reading a book on chaand raat. However. S. and ZB. still have plans with BJ, so they will be going out once they come here. But, not me. I shall get back to reading.  

I want to hug you. It's been ages since I did that. And after hugging you, I'd really appreciate hitting you hard for making me miss you so much. That'll be all for you. Will be calling you in a while.

Yours,

Maassi.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

As for the rest of you, who are still somehow bearing with my goofiness- Chaand Raat Mubarak to all of you. May tomorrow's morning bring you lots of joy. While some of you must be having your Eid today, so Eid Mubarak!! *smiles*

Goodnight.

Lovely little things...

I am really looking forward to Eid. *grins* Just thinking about it is making me grin. Last year's Eid was awesome. The entire family gathered at my mama's place and it was great. The giggles, the gossips, the food (err.. not my thing though). Everything was fun. I remember BJ and Z. teasing me on my driving skills. They kept calling me driver and kept pestering me on how BJ forced Pa jani to get the car insured just because of me.

Oh by the way, BJ thinks I'm a mad driver. Well, because one day I and BJ were coming back from my chachu's place and I was driving my car and he was driving his. Chachu's and our homes are close by so, we were using the service road instead of the main and it had gotten a little traffic-ky due to the double parking. So anyways, I got through it but BJ got stuck. Imagine that, lol. So, I had to wait for him. When we reached home, he narrated to Ami jani how quickly I by passed the jam. He said, he thought, 'Aaj tu gayee gaari... Jis speed se ye nikli hai... Allah khair...' lol.

By the way, I kind of agree with the male species, women drivers are dumb. Trust me. I'm not referring to myself though, lol. (Although, I might myself be dumb. Or not!) But generally speaking, women don't make good drivers. The only problem is that they kind of trouble others as well.

I am still a beginner but I am a little too good for beginner (Thanks to my coach: Chachu). I have no idea how did I manage to learn to drive. When I initially started learning, at times BJ and at times another driver Alauddin uncle used to teach us (me and my sisters). I remember I found it so hard to get the car moving in the first gear. I found it so hard to press the accelerator and leave the clutch simultaneously and consequently, I used to almost always end up stalling. It's all so bloody calculated bhaee.  BJ used to get pissed off. Allauddin uncle didn't use to say anything though. Anyhow, teen teen logon ki jee torr mehnat ke baad I mastered getting into the first gear. *smiles* Driving used to be fun initially. Now that I know how to drive, the charm has evaporated. *smiles*

I didn't really want to learn to drive but Pa jani wanted me to learn. He calls me his chhota driver. Actually he calls me chhotu, lol. Well because, I am his assistant electrician, carpenter, plumber, driver, et cetera. A handy-man (or girl), in short. *grins* Jack of all trades, master at none! Anyways, so he actually wanted us to be less dependent on the drivers. Because drivers are similar to electricity here in Pakistan, they keep coming and going, lol. Saeed bhai left. :( He decided he wanted to drive a larger vehicle, lol. Now, we've got Anwar bhai. I hope he doesn't leave anytime soon. He's a good person too. But Saeed bhai was so nice.

Drivers and massi's are my Ami jani's hugest dilemmas. Unki tu raat din ki neend haram hojati hai agar driver chala jaye ya jane wala ho. Ami huzoor is worried these days. She's pretty upset. She has lost some of her jewellry. She has looked everywhere but to no use. Please pray that she finds her things back. Insha'Allah.

Umm... Oye guess what! I haven't been to shopping the entire Ramazan. Not even once. Can you believe that? *grins* I despise shopping. As astonishing as it may sound to you, but yes. I don't have the stamina required for shopping. Mera bas chalay tu mere liye koi aur shopping karliya karay. However, I am not that lucky. I happen to be a bit picky. So, my sisters and mother don't risk buying things for me until and unless I beg them too. It doesn't mean I don't love clothes or shoes or et cetera. In fact, I love everything except shopping. Despite this fact, I have to shop. And surprisingly, this time I haven't been out at all. However, my tayari is complete. How? Long story.

I talk too much. This will end here.

Good night.

Roses & Randomness

Roses? Oh don't ask me! It's just like that. Thank you very much for your concern. It was unnecessary though.

*smiles* We were speaking of music, weren't we? Mhm... So, here's the thing. My taste in music is peculiar. And it is awfully diversified. It is a khichri, basically. I shall post my playlist some day and then you'll know, lol. But for now let me give you a little example, I love "Anokha Ladla" by Tina Sani and I love "Save Tonight" by Eagle Eye Cherry too. I love "Deepak Raag Hai Chahat Apni" by Shahida Parveen and I love "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette. I love listening to "Mere Sapno Ki Rani Kab Ayegi Tu" by Kishore Kumar and I love listening to umm.... You get the point, don't you? *grins* 

It appears as if I listen to too much music. Well no, that is not the case much. I listen to it when I feel like listening.

You know what, I was in an aiween (read: bad) mood when I started writing this random post. But now, I am feeling great. Randomness is awesome. Oookay. I am weird. Period.

Bechain bohat phirna...

Bechain bohat phirna ghabaraye huwe rehna 

Ek aag si jazbon ki dah'kaye huwe rehna 

Chal'kaye huwe chalna khushbu lab-e-laal'een ki 

Ek bagh sa saath apne meh'kaye huwe rahna 

Iss husn ka shewaa hai, jab ishq nazar aye 

Parde main chale jana, sharmaye huwe rehna 

Ek sham si kar rakhna kajal ke karishmay se 

Ek chand sa aankhon main cham'kaye huwe rehna 

Aadat he bana li hai tum ne tou "Munir" apni 

Jis shehr main bhi rehna uk'taye huwe rehna

I feel restless.

"Bas jo bhi Allah sumajhta hai wahi sahi hota hai..."

                                                                         -- Razia

Resonance... II

This is a continuation of a previous post - Resonance

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

Empty places can create echoes of lasting clarity.

His voice echoed inside her heart. Bouncing off against the stoned walls, they died their own death. With every death, a new voice was born and soon the silence was replaced with harsh discordance. This piercing cacophony made it agonizing to remain silent any longer. However, the noises stared in awe realizing that their endeavours had merely managed to make her lips quiver. Shaking their heads, they decided to leave.

And the silence prevailed.

“I love you”
A faint whisper raised its head in some corner.
“Do I love him?”
A doubt roamed aimlessly inside her heart.
“Do I really love him any longer or has he just become a mundane matter?”
The whispers grew louder.
“Can you tell him that your heart is empty; that all your love has evaporated leaving nothing but a void?”
Someone sneered inside her.
“Stop it! Just stop it! I love him, I do.”
She yelled back.
“Is it so?”
The sneers turned into a loud scornful laughter.
Frightened he might hear the voices, she looked at him.

Her eyes met his for the first time. It seemed as if an eternity had passed by.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

Aabla pa ko'ii iss dasht mein aaya hoga...

"I have found the shore. It's not as if I didn't like swimming (read: spinning) in the whirlpool much. But, I needed a moment- to breathe."

The caravan has found an oasis. The weary traveler can rest his soul now. He can lie down near the banks of the glistening pond and let his parched soul soak in the moisture. Let the shade of the marvelous palms soothe his burns. So he can tend to his blistered feet. He has to revive his weary self- For he has another long journey to continue...

I am tired, but at peace...

A messy consolation note from ZB.

She left me this note yesterday while I was working on an office assignment. *smiles* I left my notebook for a while and when I returned this note was sticking out its tongue at me. ZB. needs to improve her skills at Paint, lol.

I have been a little busy. The reporting deadline for this assignment is nearing and hence, the increased work load. I finally have work to do now *sighs with relief* Therefore, the listlessness has bid farewell, which is a good thing. My team mates have started accepting me. They no more treat me like an extra-terrestrial body. Phew! Thank God. *wipes the sweat off the forehead* I am tired, yes. I haven't slept properly since a few nights. My head has started hurting a bit. And I miss Blogger. *frowns* For me, the scope of internet has now been restricted to Blogger/Wordpress and a couple of sites that I visit to listen to music. Ah. Music reminds me of the fact that I have an eccentric taste in music. Eccentric in the sense that my taste doesn't match much with most of the people my age. Only a few hours ago, Z. (not the sister) awed at me for the reason that I was listening to a qawwali. Oh! By the way, which reminds me that a few days ago when we went to R.'s place, we were listening to manqabats and stuff. I found a beautiful qawwali by Khan sahib in R.'s playlist and it was marvelous, I'm telling you. I'll share it soon. Anyways, so yeah, I have a boorhay loog kind of taste. I remember last summer, when we went for the Kashmir tour. A tour-fellow, after listening to my playlist, gave me a surprised look and said to another person, "Iss ki playlist tou check karo. Aisa lagta hai jaise is mein koi purane zamaney ki rooh ghussi ho.." *grins* I can relate my taste to my elders however, it's very seldom that people my age share the same taste with me. However, this by no means implies that I don't like aaj kal ka music. In fact, I do. I do like the good ones, of course. Ab itni bhi boorhi nahin hon. *smiles*

This is abrupt but I have to go. Something inside my abdomen has suddenly started aching badly. I think it's my kidneys probably. I am hardly drinking water these days. I think I'm trying to kill myself. Uh. Whatever.

Good night.

Sher-e-Khuda jo haath se thaamay thay apna sar
Khoon dono kuhniyon se tapakta tha khaak per
Bhaga jo Ibne Muljim bad-kho bad-gohar
Pakra ussay Ali(AS) ke muhibou'n ne daur kar
Laye jo haath bandh ke Moula(AS) ke saamnay
Qatil pe muskura ke nazar ki Imam(AS) ne
Farmaya mein ne konsi ki thi teri khata
Padaash naikiyon ki jahan mein yahi hai kya
Kya mein bura Imam tha ay baaniye jafa
Roya woh sar jhuka ke tu Moula(AS) ne ye kaha
Iss dard mein bhi sabkay marz ki dawa hon mein
Bandho na iskay haath ke Mushkil Kusha hon mein...