Suicides are in again. Sigh.

A lot of news on people committing suicide these days. Good, happy, accomplished people, as far as appearances and superficiality is concerned. They took their lives.

Would it be a surprise then, if a failed person like me decides to die? Not at all.

Here's something I read today, an excerpt from David Foster Wallace:

The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.

If only people knew.

My heart feels like a heavy boulder crushing my insides today.

Comprehension

I don't understand things anymore. I don't understand people anymore.

I don't have any idea how this world and its social construct works any longer.

It's as if I woke up from a deep sleep and everything's changed.

I don't know anything, anyone, anymore.

-

I'd rather be dead.

This isn't a life I ever wanted. This isn't a life I had ever wished for.

I need a manual

Bohat saaray dukh hain yaar, bohat saaray. Lekin koi sun'nay wala nahin.

Kaash yeh saaray dukh jamma karke kisi thailay mein daal ker samundar mein phenk aasakti mein.

Mein inhe apne saath nahin rakh sakti mazeed.

-

I didn't go to work.

I'm not feeling good.

I couldn't have sehri today. I sat at the table for a while but couldn't get anything down my throat. Couldn't even have a single glass of water.

Have been locked in the room ever since I woke up.

Head's started to hurt now, as well as my eyes.

I am wondering who should I ask to be a little more considerate towards me if not the people who love me? Should I be asking strangers to be more sensitive towards me, is that what's supposed to be done? I'm very confused. Because I was censured for asking somebody to be a little sensitive.

I don't know who else would try to make me feel better if not these people who claim to care about me.

I just had a bad day... It was just a bad day. It wasn't even in my control. So, why was I punished for it. It was just a bad day that tainted me a little, and I failed to pretend that I was fine, that everything was fine.

I think I need to make myself understand that I'm not allowed to have a bad day. I'm not allowed to feel a little down and low.

Or not. It's actually just that I'm not allowed to let others know about it.

Sigh. I won't now. I will just need a lot of strength and a lot of patience. To bear everything alone, on my own, without ever letting it show.

That shouldn't be hard.

Just received a memo

Suck it up.

Nobody gives a dime worth of a damn, so shut up and take your sorry little existence elsewhere.

Do you understand?

It was bad, until it became worse

It was a bad day, but not so bad that I'd imagine myself crying to sleep and then wake up and cry again.

If there's anything I've learnt, it's that bad has an extremely strong tendency to become worse. Any day.

Back to square one.

At times, I'm unable to tell the difference between people who love me and the ones who hate me.

I wish not everyone was out there to teach me a lesson.

I'm not an outlaw.

Ever feel so hurt you can't eat or drink? Not because of loss of appetite, but because there's a whole chock of something stuck in between your throat and your chest.

Sigh. Who am I talking to!?

Sheeshoun ka maseeha koi nahin, kya aas lagaye baithay ho...?

Glory Lost

I have noticed that I have started avoiding encounters with my past - in all shapes and forms. Be it pictures, memories, mementos, letters, etc.

I am frightened by the possibility of hurt that it might bring.

I cannot bring myself to think about the times I was happy or even the times I was not this miserable, because it somehow leads me into questioning and reflecting upon my present state.

I cannot find solace in my past memories of good times, or better times, because a voice inside my head starts drawing a parallel between my then and now. Where did I go wrong, it asks.

And I don't have answers - I cross my heart. I don't have answers.

I wish I could go back to being the same kind of person that I once was - kind at heart and loving.

Smart and brilliant.

When I had met J. uncle quite a few months ago, he had told me that I am a brilliant girl and I should never change being that... I wish that were true... May be what he remembers of me is from years ago.

I remember when I was on exchange S. had asked me to never change and stay as lively and dynamic as I was then... And I had laughed and nodded.

It breaks my heart... And hence, I avoid encounters with my past -  as if it never existed.

-

It's my fault. All of it.

I lost control of my life, and instead of just letting everything be and letting time play out its turn, I hurried things.

Had I been a little patient, may be I wouldn't have destroyed myself.

Yes. I destroyed myself.

No one else is responsible for this. I refused to accept my fate as my fate, and here I am.

-

Have you ever seen ash hold the form and shape of the object it once was before it was burnt completely?

It appears to be intact until you touch it even ever-so-gently and it dissipates into a powdery state that is its reality.

I feel such.

-

There's a reason people (should) bury their dead. Dead things rot. And the rot does not fare well with the living.

I need to be buried.

-

I have wounds that were left open in anticipation of a healer to come and tend to them. That never happened, and I was left with open wounds.

Open wounds get infected.

-

Where did I go wrong?