Glory Lost

I have noticed that I have started avoiding encounters with my past - in all shapes and forms. Be it pictures, memories, mementos, letters, etc.

I am frightened by the possibility of hurt that it might bring.

I cannot bring myself to think about the times I was happy or even the times I was not this miserable, because it somehow leads me into questioning and reflecting upon my present state.

I cannot find solace in my past memories of good times, or better times, because a voice inside my head starts drawing a parallel between my then and now. Where did I go wrong, it asks.

And I don't have answers - I cross my heart. I don't have answers.

I wish I could go back to being the same kind of person that I once was - kind at heart and loving.

Smart and brilliant.

When I had met J. uncle quite a few months ago, he had told me that I am a brilliant girl and I should never change being that... I wish that were true... May be what he remembers of me is from years ago.

I remember when I was on exchange S. had asked me to never change and stay as lively and dynamic as I was then... And I had laughed and nodded.

It breaks my heart... And hence, I avoid encounters with my past -  as if it never existed.

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It's my fault. All of it.

I lost control of my life, and instead of just letting everything be and letting time play out its turn, I hurried things.

Had I been a little patient, may be I wouldn't have destroyed myself.

Yes. I destroyed myself.

No one else is responsible for this. I refused to accept my fate as my fate, and here I am.

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Have you ever seen ash hold the form and shape of the object it once was before it was burnt completely?

It appears to be intact until you touch it even ever-so-gently and it dissipates into a powdery state that is its reality.

I feel such.

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There's a reason people (should) bury their dead. Dead things rot. And the rot does not fare well with the living.

I need to be buried.

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I have wounds that were left open in anticipation of a healer to come and tend to them. That never happened, and I was left with open wounds.

Open wounds get infected.

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Where did I go wrong?