Sweet Emotional Clutter

I talk too much. A little TOO much. *(Now this can be debatable as some people think I talk without a pause while others think I am arrogantly reserved. Well, what can I say? =P)


But then there are times when I do NOT want to say anything. Nothing at all. Perhaps, because it is a meek attempt to find solace in silence.


Some people around me think I am secretive which, I have to deny outrightly. I am not secretive, I just do not like to "express" myself to others. If you get me, good. If you do not, even better.


I have been charged with an endless list of charges some of which include mad anger, temper tantrums, mood swings, sarcasm, cynicism and other similar stuff. Oh! Upon special request from some dear ones stealth should also be added to the list above. *eyes wide open with disappointment*


On my way back home today, a thought occurred to me. In fact, a question popped up in my mind. What if I was locked in a tower with no doors and only a window for light and some other bare necessities? Can I survive that? Majority of people, when asked, would say "no" right away. But I think I will resort to saying "may be yes". Give me a few gadgets to pass my time, some books, an enormous pile of paper, a pen, charcoal, some paints. Yes sir, I think I will survive. The major reason for this will be that I am not merely unsociable, I can be anti-social as well. I kind of like being alone. *shrugs* Well, not all the time but err.. often.


I do not think I belong to this century. I belong to the era of our parents and grand parents. How many times have I wished to have been born then. Wishes *sighs* are wild horses. These times are that of apathy, materialism, all-work-and-no-play sort. Of course, not for everybody. There are always nice people in this sea of ugly humanity. Oh and by the way, by saying that I do not belong here I did not mean that I am very nice, selfless, sincere, dipped-in-honey type. I can be mean(read unkind). In fact, I am. *chuckles*


Err... Alright, you can stop reading if you have had the strength to reach here. I must commend you though. This is such a useless-random-unrelated-irrelevant-incoherent-nonsensical-waste-of-time post. Apologies for wasting your time. lol

Zip, Zero, Zilch

It makes me sad t report that I am out of words. Not because I am thrilled and hence dumbfound but because there is nothing in my mind. Nada, null, naught. However, I want to express myself but I do not know how (or what). It is as if I am oblivious to words. It is as if I am ignorant of the rules of sentence making. Everything that travels down my mind to my finger tips and appears on the screen is so meaningless and dull. It is as if I have never written; as if writing was never my thing. Every thought that transforms into words is so mediocre, so unattractive.

I want to write though, it is just that I have nothing to write about. Odd. I feel like a 9th grader told to write an essay or a story in class. I am sitting at my desk staring at the whiteness of the paper which resembles the colour of the void in my mind.

*Blankness*

                                                    
                                                
                                                              
                                                          
                                                    
                                              
            

Breathtaking

"Beware of the man who does not return your blow: he neither forgives you nor allows you to forgive yourself."

Wow!

*Stolen off a friend's facebook status*

Need a spark?

A little change. A rang barangee change. It is not the usual me, I am not so rang barangee usually. But, I suppose I am feeling a little dainty right now. :) However, this template is absolutely tentative. Will change sooon (Soon here means when I feel less lazier). lol

Sidraaaaa the template changing syndrome is contagious, isn't it?! See, you got me infected! ;)

=D

Yayy!! So Blogger decided to introduce the Template Designer. Finally! It was about time. :) I want to try it out sooooon... but I am such a lazy-bone, laying down on all jobs. :) Anyhooo, I will look into it.

Poke at your own risk

Funny are the times when people ask you to vent out. When they want you to share your feelings with them. However, funnier are the times when you do as were told and see a thick layer of disappointment (and other similar emotions) envelope their face and all you hear is silence- a disgruntled silence.

A word of warning:
People should never urge me to speak when I intend to do otherwise.

Abandon All Hope

And sometimes, it is far better to slay all your hopes than to forcefully keep them alive.

Better and less painful.

Enigmas and Ennui

Rahiye ab aisi jagah chal kay jahan koi na ho
Hum-sukhan koi na ho aur hum-zaban koi na ho

Bay-dar-o-deewar sa ek ghar banaya chahiye

Koi humsaya na ho aur pasban koi na ho

Parhiye ghar beemar to koi na ho beemar-dar

Aur agar mar jaiye to noha-khaan koi na ho

-Mirza Ghalib

I am out of words to define what has gotten into me these days. This strange desire to abandon everything and climb up a mountain top so remote that I become unreachable, has taken over me. I want to be alone.  I am trying hard to live but it is not working out. It is exhausting and I am tired. 

I want someone- a friend; a confidant; some one. 

I am in a dire need for someone; someone who just sits beside me and agrees to lend me a shoulder- not to cry upon, but to rest my head on it and release a deep sigh that has been trapped inside my lips for so long. I need someone to listen to my groundless, illogical and ridiculous thoughts and not ask me why? what? how? I do not care if they do not understand even a single word I say. I just want someone to listen to me and pretend that they understand. I want to speak out incomplete and incoherent thought/sentences that have been spinning in my head and I do not want to be told that I make no sense.

 I do not want to be judged based on what comes out from my mouth, for just a few moments. I do not want be thought of, even for a split second, as being irrational. Nor do I want any advices, any suggestions, any remedies. I do not want to be told that everything is or will be fine. I want to say things that I have never said before. And, when I am done I want a reassuring hand to hold my shoulder firmly. I want a gesture that tells me someone will always be there for me. Someone will always be willing to relieve me from my pain, my anguish, my sufferings- even, if so, for a second. I just need a shoulder to rest my head upon and ease me off my burden for a while until I am ready to stand up and tread on the paths of life again. 

However, I am sure this brainlessness is going to end soon. I realise that I am hitting the saturation point and so very soon this listlessness will be cured. InshAllah.

Incoherence 001

Eyes that turn pink from the intensity of emotions, look extraordinarily beautiful.

Trying to speak when there is block of tears stuck down your throat is horribly difficult especially, when even your words lack coherence and make no sense at all. 

I wonder if they have a tear duct removal surgery. I hate crying but it is so damn uncontrollable. 

Life is becoming increasingly messy-er and that too for no apparent reason. 

I need to vent out my emotions before my emotional pressure cooker explodes leaving behind further clutter than there is now. 

I am in a dire need of a disk cleanup.

I am guilty. Lie, deceit, treachery and pretense are my crimes.

Sigh.

My apologies to myself.

*Takes a deep breath*

GHANCHAKARRR

I am amazed how suddenly I have started wishing that a day had more than 24 hours. Past few days have been mad. I cannot remember being this busy before- well, blame it on my short termed memory. Haha! But no seriously! And Friday was the awful-EST. Well, let me think.. was it Friday or Sunday that was the awful-EST. Ummmm Nah!! Can't decide, tough competition, you know. I was.... HUH!!! I am sooo tired!!!

Went to Hyderabad on Tuesday and returned the same day, it was tiring, horribly tiring. Wednesday went by in an attempt to relax but that didn't work out. I do not remember Thursday, it feels as if I skipped it. Then came the mother of all, Friday. I woke up early to make chocolate mousse for my khaala's and my cousins' birthday. One mousse for three birthdays. ;) I will post peeectures of it in the next post. LOL. I had a class that day but then it got cancelled which was a pleasant surprise as I hoped the day won't end up very tiring but, somehow it did!!

Then there was this Professional Training Application from Ernst & Young which drained out every single drop of energy from my body. This was the first time I was applying to any articleship  programme. What was surprising in a very pissing manner was the fact that they asked for references even for training.... Huh? I mean, seriously? Anyways, I somehow managed to fill in the application and submitted it on Saturday which also happened to be the last date. LOL. You know, I and deadlines walk hand in hand since a long long time. But I'm afraid I have to report a minor mess that I performed while filling up the form. The form very clearly said that "Inaccurate and incomplete forms will not be processed" and I... Well, I forgot to fill in a field. *Nervous* I left out the Relationship field under the References head. I and my friends think it is not a big deal but I have no idea what E & Y Ford Rhodes Sidat Hyder think. *Bites nails* These big four firms are snobby, you know!! Hmph!!

Sunday was another disaster, to tell you so. I have a 4-hour class on Sundays. *Bangs the head with a wall* Yes, kill me! I have no life anyways. And to add a cherry on top of the cake, I scored 10.5 on a 20 mark test. Hahahah!! That was funny, by the way. I returned home in the evening and then had to dress up for a Milad at my Mamoo's place. Not to forget I had a class early in the morning, the next day. *Sigh* By the bye, other than being worn-out I was also starving on Sunday. Just had breakfast and the next meal was a late night dinner.

On Monday, I was anything but myself. I could hardly pay attention in the class. During the class, I remembering mentioning to Arwa that I am seriously considering  taking an early retirement from life. What? Don't look at me like that! I was exhausted! Anyways, when the class got over and we walked out of the class, Arwa brought to my attention the manner in which we were walking. She said and I quote,  "Yaar!! *giggles* Hum kaise chal rahey hain!! Zombies ki tarah!!" She was cent percent correct. We were literally dragging ourselves to our cars. I was tired as a dog, although I never understand why are dogs so tired to have a simile to their credit because in my opinion they are are usually loafing around.

Past week has been a ghanchakar. Yes, that's about it. The length of my posts has started to scare me off, I won't be surprised if it has the same effect on others. ;) Anyhow, so this is the detailed alibi for my absence from my blog; my humzaad. And...... Sorry Sidra that you had to miss me which, by the way, feels very elating!! I missed you too!! No faking, cross my heart!! =)

Dry Ice

I am back.

I am holding my happiness with all my might. But you know, happiness is just like grains of sand that can never be clenched inside our palm; the tighter we hold, the quicker they slip away from tiny crevices of our fist. Funny! I often wonder is it the happiness that runs away from me or is it me? I can never blame others  for adorning me with grief. For it is always I who chooses sorrow as my embellishments. I am hypersensitive. And that is what brings me, everytime, at the doorstep of misery. It's self-inflicted, I tell you. I have realised, I am too fastidious, too fractious and this makes me so volatile.

What am I?

Dry ice!!

 Highly volatile, either solid or gas, no intervening liquid form.

The only thing that stands between me and my contentment is.... I, myself. So, how do I eliminate this obstruction? Let's replace the word "obstruction" with the name of the obstruction. Here it goes: So, how do I eliminate myself? How do I remove this road block? Oh no, no! I am not being suicidal. Haha!! I need someone to heal me- heal my soul. Or as a matter of fact... My mind!! I need a psychiatrist!! Or may be I just need someone to talk to. But the dilemma I face is that I CANNOT, I repeat, CANNOT TALK to ANYONE. No matter how close someone gets to me, I can NEVER confide in them. The reason, you ask? Ha! Well, the reason, my dear is, the moment I say something I really mean, something I really feel like; people stare back at me with eyes wide open as if they doubt my sanity. They think I am a lunatic. But you know, even if I, someday, find someone who understand my  apparently insane thoughts and feelings; I still might not be able to TALK to him or her. It is probably an inherent limitation. A possible cause why I write a blog. Hmm... Anyways, here is Bulleh Shah's kalam, for some reason it is spinning round and round in my head at this moment.

Tere Ishq nachaya Kar Ke Thaiya Thaiya

Cheti aa'vin Ve Tabiba, Nahin Te Main Mar Gai'yaan

Cheti Bawdi Ve Tabiba, Nahin Te Main Mar Gai'yaan

Tere ishq ne dera mere andar kiita

BHar ke zeher payala mein te aapey piita

Jhabde bhaudi ve tabiba nahin te mein mar gai'yan

Tere Ishq nachaya Kar Ke Thaiya Thaiya

Chup gaya ve suraj bahar reh gayee aa lali,

Ve mein sadkey ho'van, deven murrje vakhali,

Peeran mein bhul gayian, terey naal na gayian

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Aes Ishq De KoloN, MenuN HaTak Na Maa'ye

Laho JaandRe BeRe, KehRa MoR Liyaa'ye

Meri Aqal Jo Bhulii, Naal MahaaniyaaN De Aayi Aa

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Aes Ishq Di Jhungi Vich Mor Bolen Da

Saanu Qibla Te Kaaba, Sohna Yaar Disenda

Saanu Ghaayal Karke Pher Khabar Na Layi'yaan

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Bullha shoh ne aaNda, menooN Anayat de boohay

jis ne menooN puv'aaye, cholay saavay te suhay

jaaN meN maari hai aDii, mil piyaa hai vahi'yaa

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Tere Ishq nachaya Kar Ke Thaiya Thaiya

I am not even going to TRY to translate this and neither will I use translations available over the web until and unless I find "the one" that's best. Translating this would take away so much from it. It will be just like getting gold polished; it can shine brighter but in reality its layers will have to be scraped off.

I write irksomely long posts, you say? Yes, correct it is. But then this is my blog, I shall do as I please. Thank you. =P

Will title it later :P

Clinging to happiness as strongly as I can, for as long as I can. But eveything reverts to reality and my reality is sort of bizarre- I think I cherish my woes.

I have no idea what I just said and what did that mean. *confused*

Leaving for Hyderabad, will be back by evening InshAllah.

Godpeed- To my self =)

Fighting my demons

Dear God,


Please don't give up on me. I need you on my side in this battle against my own self. I do not understand why am I being so gullible. I am a transgressor. I am sick and tired of myself. But please You don't be sick and tired of me. Don't give up on me, please don't. I cannot fight this alone. I am feeble. I try to run away from my demons over and over again but when I stop and look around, I find myself right where I started. I am running in circles. God please, don't leave me on my own. 'Cause if you do, my doom will be inevitable. I am falling in an abyss of darkness. Hold my hand; save me from this bottomless pit. I am trapped inside quicksand, the more I try, the harder it sucks me inside it. Hold my hand; drag me out of this disaster. Just don't give up on me. Save me before it's too late. Save me before the darkness swallows me. Save me before I lose you for an eternity.


Love,


Ann

Aankhon ka rang, baat ka lehja badal gaya

Woh shakhs aik shaam main kitna badal gaya

Why are variations in tone so easy to discern? *Sighs* Had I only not been so sensitive to changes. This is probably the second or third consecutive time that BJ talked to me in such a deadpan manner. I cannot even remember doing anything wrong. The last time I called, I woke him up in the middle of the night but I am sure this is not, in any way, the reason behind his behaviour. The second last time he called, he was so abrupt and handed the phone to Pa. That was the time I noticed his expressionless tone for the first time; everything was perfectly fine before that. The most perplexing of all questions is "Why".

I hate dislike overseas residents, I am sorry! *Hmph*

It's that simple...

When others don't heal you; you heal yourself.

It's just a matter of time.

Vanity's prey

I have often wondered, and reached the same conclusion over and over again. 

It hurts most when the relations grow cold.

When relationships appear to be corpses resting in cold chambers of eerie morgues.

Spring bliss

The moonlight shines upon me and the cool breeze tickles my face and smiles away. My lips curl into an untainted smile as I inhale the scent of damp flowers at this hour of night when half the world slumbers the night away... It hits me hard how beautiful my Lord is!!! Beauties of this world are but a humble reflection of His eternal beauty.

The gentle scent of the night hinting the arrival of spring, bidding farewell to the winter chills, drives me crazy. Kailash Kher's Teri Deewani is playing in the background and making everything so much more enchanting.

It feels idyllic. I understand the feeling is momentary but I think I will just enjoy it until it lasts.

La loco ;)

*GRINS*

A silly whim just struck me.... I wanna listen to all the cheesy lovey dovey songs available to me right now!!!

*GRINS LIKE A CHESHIRE CAT*

Strayed smiles on a spring night

I'm listening to a very dainty song at this moment.... I've played it over and over again 3 or 4 times may be... And my sisters think I'm going loony at this hour of night.

Waadi-e-Ishq Se Aya Hai Mera Shehzada

It's a fairy-tale song... Cheesy, you say?? Ummmmm.... Nahh!! It's sweeeeet!! :P

*sings* Uski Tareef Haqeeqat Se Hui Kuch Zyada... Waadi-e-Ishq Se Aya Hai Mera Shehzada

P.S. I will share it as soon as I find a video of it. As of now, I just have it on mp3. *smiles*

Hearts and thoughts..

I am smothering myself.

I need to let go off myself.

I wish to vanish in thin air- for a while.

How long is a "while"?

How long is "eternity"?

How long is "never"?

There is nothing called "never", it's just long periods of "not yet". -- The Journey Of Allen Strange.

I wish to go invisible for sometime.

I would also like to throw myself into an ocean of people and not be found- until I wish to.

I was looking for reasons. Now, I have got them! Thank you! Everything fits in prefectly!

(We really should be careful of what we search for... 'cause we just might find it)