Despite

I got my promotion letter today, with many compliments and a pay raise.

It was a better than average day, despite everything.

Sigh.

Life's great, except that what really matters.

-

Hollow relationships, and a truckload of egos.

-

I miss chacha very much. I hope I get to meet him soon.

I learnt a new word today.

'Reticent'.

And in that, I've also found a new aspiration.

Adjectives

Disrespectful.

Aggressive.

Unreasonable.

Ungrateful.

Unappreciative.

Hypocrite.

Unapologetic.

Self-righteous.

Over-sensitive.

Spiteful.

Impatient.

And the list goes on for a while...

Lo and behold! Presenting to you, myself.

Ashiyanay ki baat kartay ho
Dil jalanay ki baat kartay ho

Saari duniya ke ranj-o-gham de kar
Muskuranay ki baat kartay ho...

Barbaad dil ka aakhri sarmaya thi umeed
Woh bhi tou tum ne cheen li mujh ghareeb se...

Tum aur fareb khao bayaan-e-raqeeb se
Tum se tou kam gilla hai, zyada naseeb se...

Suicides are in again. Sigh.

A lot of news on people committing suicide these days. Good, happy, accomplished people, as far as appearances and superficiality is concerned. They took their lives.

Would it be a surprise then, if a failed person like me decides to die? Not at all.

Here's something I read today, an excerpt from David Foster Wallace:

The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.

If only people knew.

My heart feels like a heavy boulder crushing my insides today.

Comprehension

I don't understand things anymore. I don't understand people anymore.

I don't have any idea how this world and its social construct works any longer.

It's as if I woke up from a deep sleep and everything's changed.

I don't know anything, anyone, anymore.

-

I'd rather be dead.

This isn't a life I ever wanted. This isn't a life I had ever wished for.

I need a manual

Bohat saaray dukh hain yaar, bohat saaray. Lekin koi sun'nay wala nahin.

Kaash yeh saaray dukh jamma karke kisi thailay mein daal ker samundar mein phenk aasakti mein.

Mein inhe apne saath nahin rakh sakti mazeed.

-

I didn't go to work.

I'm not feeling good.

I couldn't have sehri today. I sat at the table for a while but couldn't get anything down my throat. Couldn't even have a single glass of water.

Have been locked in the room ever since I woke up.

Head's started to hurt now, as well as my eyes.

I am wondering who should I ask to be a little more considerate towards me if not the people who love me? Should I be asking strangers to be more sensitive towards me, is that what's supposed to be done? I'm very confused. Because I was censured for asking somebody to be a little sensitive.

I don't know who else would try to make me feel better if not these people who claim to care about me.

I just had a bad day... It was just a bad day. It wasn't even in my control. So, why was I punished for it. It was just a bad day that tainted me a little, and I failed to pretend that I was fine, that everything was fine.

I think I need to make myself understand that I'm not allowed to have a bad day. I'm not allowed to feel a little down and low.

Or not. It's actually just that I'm not allowed to let others know about it.

Sigh. I won't now. I will just need a lot of strength and a lot of patience. To bear everything alone, on my own, without ever letting it show.

That shouldn't be hard.

Just received a memo

Suck it up.

Nobody gives a dime worth of a damn, so shut up and take your sorry little existence elsewhere.

Do you understand?

It was bad, until it became worse

It was a bad day, but not so bad that I'd imagine myself crying to sleep and then wake up and cry again.

If there's anything I've learnt, it's that bad has an extremely strong tendency to become worse. Any day.

Back to square one.

At times, I'm unable to tell the difference between people who love me and the ones who hate me.

I wish not everyone was out there to teach me a lesson.

I'm not an outlaw.

Ever feel so hurt you can't eat or drink? Not because of loss of appetite, but because there's a whole chock of something stuck in between your throat and your chest.

Sigh. Who am I talking to!?

Sheeshoun ka maseeha koi nahin, kya aas lagaye baithay ho...?

Glory Lost

I have noticed that I have started avoiding encounters with my past - in all shapes and forms. Be it pictures, memories, mementos, letters, etc.

I am frightened by the possibility of hurt that it might bring.

I cannot bring myself to think about the times I was happy or even the times I was not this miserable, because it somehow leads me into questioning and reflecting upon my present state.

I cannot find solace in my past memories of good times, or better times, because a voice inside my head starts drawing a parallel between my then and now. Where did I go wrong, it asks.

And I don't have answers - I cross my heart. I don't have answers.

I wish I could go back to being the same kind of person that I once was - kind at heart and loving.

Smart and brilliant.

When I had met J. uncle quite a few months ago, he had told me that I am a brilliant girl and I should never change being that... I wish that were true... May be what he remembers of me is from years ago.

I remember when I was on exchange S. had asked me to never change and stay as lively and dynamic as I was then... And I had laughed and nodded.

It breaks my heart... And hence, I avoid encounters with my past -  as if it never existed.

-

It's my fault. All of it.

I lost control of my life, and instead of just letting everything be and letting time play out its turn, I hurried things.

Had I been a little patient, may be I wouldn't have destroyed myself.

Yes. I destroyed myself.

No one else is responsible for this. I refused to accept my fate as my fate, and here I am.

-

Have you ever seen ash hold the form and shape of the object it once was before it was burnt completely?

It appears to be intact until you touch it even ever-so-gently and it dissipates into a powdery state that is its reality.

I feel such.

-

There's a reason people (should) bury their dead. Dead things rot. And the rot does not fare well with the living.

I need to be buried.

-

I have wounds that were left open in anticipation of a healer to come and tend to them. That never happened, and I was left with open wounds.

Open wounds get infected.

-

Where did I go wrong?

I am extremely unhappy and I just don't know how to change that.

There's nothing to look forward to.

Desperate times

Those are desperate times, when your only hope is - God.

-

Each blow chips a part of me, off me, and what grows in its place is not me.

How long before there is no me?

A death of its own kind.

Kya kya na dil-e-zaar ne dhoondi hain panahain

There are thousands of people dying everyday, why can't I be one of them?

I begged Him. But He doesn't listen to me anymore. 

And that's my fault too.

I wish to be dead - all of me - completely - not just parts of me, as they are now. 

And strangely, that's the only thing I want for myself at times.

Of all the things that could be.

Claustrophobic.

Wide-awake.

L'Hexagone

I want to go back to France again. See more of it. Meet my friends.

I miss France. Very much.

I am not happy.

I don't need an apology

I just need to hear that it was an honest mistake and you realise that.

Here's the thing: 

As humans, ordinary people, we hurt and get hurt. That's a norm. You hurt, get hurt, seek forgiveness, are asked for forgiveness, and life goes on. So far, so good.

Problem lies where you hurt somebody, and not just you don't seek forgiveness but you also don't realize and acknowledge that somebody's gotten hurt as a result of something you did.

There's too much talk about self - we rationalize everything we do. And while at it, we completely discount how or what others may feel.

We're all guilty of it. And victims, too.

Switched off

Cannot function.

Fumbling in the dark for the switch that would turn me back on.

It's too dark, and I cannot make sense of anything right now.

Three is a crowd

It's papa's birthday today.

I spoke to my therapist in the afternoon today. She's in Dubai, so we had to have an online session.

H & M have been blessed with a baby. She's adorable MashAllah. H is over the moon. He texted me today again, and asked why did I sound so low. I told him things aren't OK with my in-laws which is affecting my relationship with B.

He's been through a similar situation. H's family wasn't readily convinced on getting him married to M. So, they've had to deal with a lot of family dramas too. But there was a slight point of difference, between them and us. H was on M's side, even when things weren't on her side.

So, he naively assumed the same case for me. And advised that I ride the wave for now. When we'll be together it'll be up to us how we shape our personal life, and how much of external interference do we allow. Like I said, naive.

Did I mention Inaya is adorable!! MashAllah. May she be blessed with a good heart and may she be surrounded with people with good hearts too. Amen.

Sometime in the evening today, I stared endearingly at Ammi for a few moments and told her that I'm so thankful to God that he gave us parents like her and papa. I hope and pray that if I ever get a chance to be a parent, I turn out like mine. They've beautiful hearts, especially Ammi.

Ammi stays worried for me these days...


What sort of relationship is this? Everything about it has been a controversy, since the inception. And the trend continues.

I needed a family that would have loved me and cared about me, my feelings.

Long weekend ends tonight. Back to work now. The only place that was a relief for me has now also turned into a shit hole. Welcome to my life, reader.

I was looking forward to (eventually) spending time with B alone once we were to be together. Just the two of us. Uninterrupted.  For each other. Understanding, rehabilitating our relationship.

But so long to that idea too. No alone time for us. There will be company.

Sigh.

Did I ever mention the wallet I bought for him finally reached him? After much running after the company guys, and escalating issues to the owners. Didn't even get a chance to be happy about that. Fml.

It's a closed alley, my friend.

Bh. congratulated me about the wedding date; I didn't have a response to her. Didn't appreciate being congratulated either. But it's not her fault. I shouldn't get upset with my own people.

I'm feeling tired now. I should sleep.

Grey hair

I need an apology. An honest unconditional apology in which a person apologizes not because one thinks the other person needs to hear an apology.

But an apology where the person admits, acknowledges, accepts the wrongs (direct or indirect, intentional or unintentional) and therefore(!), apologizes.

Nobody's sorry. One ought to be.

I kissed ammi and papa today and told them one by one that I love them. Ammi said she loved me too, and papa just asked why, so I told him because he's too cute.

BJ won't be coming for the wedding. I'll rather he comes for S's in December. So, I'll compromise on that. Well, not that I had another option.

I feel like quitting my job. Not because it sucks, it's great. But because I cannot juggle life together with my job anymore. It's too taxing.

I don't look at myself in the mirror much these days. But I did catch a glimpse of my hair a couple of days ago for it to hit me that it has turned even grey-er than I last remember.

I'm not going to get them dyed. My grey hair are my souvenirs, they'll help me remember what I've been through. I have a nostalgic bond with them.

B is extremely ignorant. Ignorance is bliss, they say, so good for him.

S's in-laws seem to be good people. I hope they always stay good with/ to her, inshaAllah.

I've started stress eating a lot lately.

Why do people have to take away the happiness out of my happy moments? Why do these moments tend to get ruined for me?

I wish B was on my side. Not to fight against the rest of world for me, if that's not possible. But to put a hand on my shoulder, and tell me that he's there with me and he understands - understands that the world is being tough on me.

But no. He had to be on the other side. He's not the hand on my shoulder, he's one of the fingers raised at me.

I'm angry. There are times when I can feel my blood boiling.

I should calm down. Because this is life now.

Nothing is OK.

The last two weeks of my life so far, have been excruciatingly tough on me.

Nothing is OK.

My personal life had been going south since quite a while now, but work life has followed suit too. The race is on - which one further devastates me first.

It's been three odd days I guess; I've been tearing up and/ or feeling on the verge of bursting out in tears and cries almost randomly - irrespective of the time and place, not to forget the context.

I was driving to work, I burst out in tears. I was driving back home, and I noticed the warmth of tears rolling down my cheeks. I was sitting in a meeting, listening to my director's opinion on a matter and teared up.

Truth is, it hurts. It hurts unbearably much.

It hurts that your life partner does not stand by your side. It hurts that I've been wronged time and again, and yet I have been condemned over speaking against it. It hurts that instead of being told that whatever is happening with my life is unfair and it shouldn't have happened, I'm being told to suck it up.

It hurts. That I'm not being comforted but confronted.

Who do I blame though? This person who does not even acknowledge whatever is happening or has happened, is wrong? For this person, whatever is happening is absolutely OK, it's well justified, it's acceptable, and reasonable.

The least that could have been said to me was, "I know whatever is happening is not fair, but I'm here by your side - I know this is unfair to you. But please, can you bear with this for me? I wish I could've not let this happen, and I am ashamed that I cannot do anything about it. But I love you, and it's hurting me too, to see you get hurt. But please, for me. For us. Hang in there."

But no. This is too much to ask for. Given what I'm worth, after all. I shouldn't forget.

There's another truth that I've stumbled upon very recently.

This hurt; it's not because of my mental health, my depression. This hurt is real, not abstract. This hurt is what any other person, with a perfectly healthy mental state would feel too, if put through the same that I am going through lately.

Yes, I may have been diagnosed with depression, but this (what I'm feeling lately) is not it - this is simply just 'getting hurt' by people you love, and people who profess they love you.

Bully

I am supposed to be working right now. On a presentation, scheduled for tomorrow, that I have been working on since last week.

It has taken its toll on me.

And then there is my life, apart from work...

I felt like a child last night, who was getting beaten up by some bullies. Begging them to stop, but they won't.

Do you know how that feels? I do now.

I cried and cried. S woke up to it and tried to pacify me. I told her it was late and she must sleep. She asked me to sleep too.

So, I slept.

Sleep takes away the pain.

It's a much deeper wound this time.

Angst at twenty-eight

I want to scream at the top of my lungs;
So hard and so loud, that
All the hurt, all the rage
All the sorrows, and all the agony
Leave me and my body free
And dissipate into the air. 
All these emotions are weighing me down.
Like an anchor dropped down in the sea of despair.


Everybody is a liar and hypocrite. I'm sick, and I hate everyone. I wish to run far, far away. Farther away from all these people who say they love me. They're the ones who, without any understanding, want to chain me down and conform to them, their whims, their likes, dislikes.

I sound like an angst-y teen today.

But all of this is all too real.

Thick skin

I'm tired of being forced into things.

It's one of those days again, when I don't prefer being still alive.

Come, let's cry ourselves to sleep because the pain is unbearable again.

Today was exceptionally rough. And alone.

The last three years

Fall/ Winter '14: 
He was drifting off and I was latching on to him like a person whose life depended on it.

Spring/ Summer '15: 
He left and I eventually accepted that I cannot make him stay.

Fall/ Winter '15: 
He realised he might still love me, but there wasn't much left to salvage now. While I hysterically rummaged through relationships to fill up the colossal void that I was left with in my soul.

Spring/ Summer '16: 
All my relationships were hysterical lies told by a person gripped in fear of being abandoned again and/ or ending up alone, to herself. While he decided he needs to walk back into my life and I should allow it.

Fall/ Winter '16: 
He fights me to let him in, while he simultaneously fought his case with his family. He wins.

Spring/ Summer '17: 
I am a person losing her grip on reality and sanity; hanging in a limbo - of perpetual anticipation.

Fall/ Winter '17: 
We turn into horrible versions of ourselves, while love takes a back seat and cringes.

-

It hit me as I was stepping into the same elevator I had stepped out of 11 hours ago as I head off to work.

I realised what he had said. What last three years? The last one year, yes perhaps, I will not defend that. But the two years before that? No... How can he say that?

Mere thought of it wrings my heart off life - sends out a spasm of agony that pierces the soul.

So, I thought I needed a recap.

I'm sorry I woke up, was what I wanted to say instead.

AV

In the morning today, I had decided that I'd write a note before I go to sleep tonight. About my day, my feelings, and my feelings about my day.

Although I'm extremely tired, and gave up on the idea initially, yet I eventually decided against all odds and came to write a note.

Truth be told, I'm too tired to backtrack and think about the day.

All I want to say right now is that I wish I could see my therapist everyday. She's the only person I really speak to. And now it doesn't even bother me that I pay someone to just buy their time so that they'd hear me out. It is what it is. And I like talking to her.

It relieves me a little knowing that I'm not going to die with all these feelings, emotions and thoughts bottled up inside me.

I just don't like it when she forces me to think too hard and put a finger on my feelings and describe them. I feel trapped at times when I don't have answers to her questions.

Sigh.

In the next session, I plan to speak to her about S.

I need to sleep. My only respite, from life itself.

Thank you God for sleep.

Punched in the stomach

I planned to sleep, but then I reckoned writing might help a little.

So here I am, again, feeling jaded.

May be this was a bad idea. I'll just go.

But before I go...

I wish people in my life didn't make it the sole purpose of their lives to punch me in the stomach, especially when I am already drowning with my own weight - hitting a rock-bottom.

My phone's buzzing... I think an apology is in order. Why? Because I am me. And this me needs to apologize to others for being itself.

It's easier to apologize than it is to explain.

And that folks, is how your own defense mechanism destroys you.

P.S. All I have with me is an inventory of failed relationships, at every level. Well done, me.

Don't

Breathe.

'Unnecessarily aggressive'

It's this feeling of deprivation of an extreme sort that comes over me and drowns me.

I feel alone lonely. Loneliness is a killer, innit? Hmm, it is.

Without giving principles of prose and writing much importance, I will be mostly jotting down my thoughts merely.

I think sometimes I know what I need. Validation. It is validation, I subconsciously seek.

I miss Lahore very much today. To the point that as I write this I feel my eyes tearing up.

And why do I miss Lahore?

Because I miss my people. Who made me feel like I was something, who cherished and appreciated me, who approved of me.

I feel broken again today.

It's this sense of deprivation of some kind.

I have everything. So, what is it?

Heart, hurt, and the hullabaloo

I don't even believe in this day. And yet, my heart feels a little heavy on the absence of commemoration (or acknowledgement).

Solitary Confinement

Locked myself in a cell today. There's no light coming in, and very little air - getting lesser by the day. At this rate, and if all goes as per plan, I should die soon.

It's a controlled experiment.

There is no air.

I feel my heart sinking again. It has started happening a lot lately.

There's a haunting sense of loneliness.

They weigh me down, these people. Every time I talk to them, it feels as if somebody has tied my heart with a boulder and chucked it into a lake - to sink.

They may not be bad people, but are the necessarily good to me? I don't have an answer yet - and that my friend, should be called 'optimism'.

I'm losing my grip on things. I'm fading away so fast it's becoming hard for me to remember what it was like.

I'm too much. He had said once. He wasn't wrong, was he?

I can't breathe.