Ughh...

Just added another feather in my cap.

Treasury.... Damnit! I cannot swear! I so badly want to. *will do it in my heart*


I hate you, treasury! You Godforsaken thing. What have I done to you to earn this? Arghh.

Happy feet

I met another girl. And, this time it was not in the restroom (which is where I usually get to meet female staff at the client) *smiles* Don't ask me why. I'm just very reserved (read, unsocial) and I've mentioned/hinted this a gazillion times already.

"You really have very pretty feet..."

*I wish I could have burst into laughter at that lady, but I didn't- I'm so mannered and all, you know. Etiquettes don't allow me such liberties so, I smiled and said*  

"You like my feet..."

"Yes, the other day, while you were offering prayers I noticed them and was mentioning it to my friend that this girl has really nice feet..."

"Oh thank you. *you should really hear what I said next* But, I don't like them much..."

"Oh? *shocked* You don't like them, why?"

*Meri marzi bhaee, mere pair hain!*

"When I was a kid, my feet were a little out of proportion, bigger than should have been; so, my cousins used to tease me and since then I don't like them much. Although, they look fine now."

*But, the lady was insistent- must be nice then* *grins*

Yaar, speaking on an overall basis, mein zaroorat se kuch zyada he grounded hon! Tsk. Tsk. Meri jaga koi aur hota tou phir tou bas... Al-Amaan Al-Hafeez. Sighs. Afsoos, sad afsoos.

*grins*

P.S. Yes, Yes. My titles are getting weird. I'm out of stock.

Haha. You know me. I know.

While munching French fries, when I replied with a busy 'hmm' on being asked if they were good, I heard:

"You know, I just know... When you say 'HMM', matlab kuch zaroor GARBAR hai. And, when you say 'KHAIR', matlab ab tou BILKUL BHI KHAIR NAHIN!"

On hearing this, I replied:

With a fit of laughter (Especially, the 'khair' wala part made me want to roll off my seat laughing).

P.S. Nevertheless, this time I said 'hmm' because I was busy- and starving. *smiles*

I like the sound of silence. A little too much, I guess.

It's easier being sad. Happiness takes too much effort.

I'm so out of titles.

Z. bought me turtles three days ago. It was a surprise gift. My first surprise gift ever, I reckon. Um yeah, the first, as far as I remember.

I went to the hospital directly after work as ammi loog went to see F. and so, I had to pick them. I was so freakin' tired but as soon as I entered the room the weariness started to dim out. *smiles* Anyways, just as I entered, Annieo, B and R were leaving. F was better. S (my sister) had also come to see F. right from her uni. so was pretty tired herself. She asked ammi to leave and as we were about to leave F asked me to stay as I hadn't really got a chance to have a chit chat with her. I was a little apprehensive if ammi would allow me to stay back (for apparent reasons- or not so apparent, may be- may be it's just me- chor ki daari mein tinka, I guess :p). So anyways, I asked and ammi agreed. Just like that.

Then, it was just me, F and Z. Had a good time. Dr. H is funny and an acha insaan. Half my khaandaan goes to him. And while, he was cracking jokes on F, he looked at me for secondment, he did a double take and uttered, 'Oh yeh tou apni hai!'  *smiles* Doctors should have good humour. Z is awesomely humourous too but, Z isn't a doc. Uh well, not for humans (or even animals) at least. While we were at the hospital, S. called Z on the cell and said something which worried Z. Z didn't tell me what was up.

Ami had asked Z to drop me off once Aunta arrived. And, she got there pretty late. Once, she got there we took off. On the way, Z told me that Z has bought a pair of turtles for me but I was also told that one of them was dead already (that's what the call was about). I didn't know how t react. I was ecstatic but my glee wasn't reciprocated 'cause Z was sad about one of the turtles. I was sad too but, I was a bit too overwhelmed to be 'totally' sad. I had been looking for turtles since quite a few months. Had asked BJ. to get them for me but, he was too confused about which kind did I want. So, he wanted me to go to Empress Market with him which was so out of question, lol.

Z and I named him 'Aslan' after the Lion from Narnia. *grins* S. suggested 'Toofaan', lol. Ammi suggested 'Napoleon'. And, I was thinking of naming him after one of the Ninja Turtles, Michelangelo, perhaps. (I'm wearing a Ninja Turtles's sweat shirt right now ;) ) But for now, he's 'Aslan'. What do you think?

He's a baby and hence, so smaaaaalll. And, soo cute. I don't have a proper home for him yet because, it was a surprise and I wasn't a bit prepared. Therefore, I have made a temporary dwelling for him- in a tub. *smiles*

Z is so cute. This was the most awesome-est gift I ever received. Honest.

I asked Z to bring Eeman, Aminah and Hamza to see Aslan, today and they came. Hamza didn't come, though. The badmaash was asleep.

Um, what else? *smiles*

'Little girl... in her fairy tale world', that was my senior supervisor. Why did he say that, I have no clue. I wish I had replied him by saying, 'And since when did fairy tales started having audit firms in them, huh?' I told you, I wasn't job material. I'm so devastatingly pampered, I feel very vulnerable at times. However, a pleasant surprise is the fact that I have been pampered at work as well. Till date, at least. I find everybody so concerned about me and my problems, which feels really... nice. *smiles* Alhamdolillah.

Can I tell you something? Promise me, you won't throw stuff at me? Remember, how I bakwasified about being confused and indecisive and then later, about not taking up the contract and just completing the internship? Well.... I... I took the contract. (But, I don't plan to stay for three years). Uh, don't say anything. Please. I'm the most confused and the pagal-est person on this green blue earth, I know.

Papa is coming home. On monday, InshaAllah. Yayy!!

Umm.... There were actually other things that I wanted to write about too but, I don't remember any more. Uff! My memory is horrible, with a capital 'H'!

You are an alligator. Oh no. Don't thank me. Thank God.

Fridayyyyyyyyy (with no working on saturday)! Sighs. Was looking forward to a long weekend but the holiday on monday has been withdrawn. Anyways, aome breathing space, finally. I wish to take real long, deep breaths and suck in all the air around me.....

And then..... I shall be in a vaccum. (Okay, that was very weird and abrupt- weirdly abrupt or abruptly weird, you tell?).

Okay. Whatever. See you later- alligator!

"Do you know, you are just like a small little girl! Living in her fairy tale world."

That's not true. And, why would someone say that- right out of no where.

If someone says this to you, is this supposed to make you angry? Is this even remotely supposed to fill your eyes up with hot salty water?

Why was I so angry then?

And what is it supposed to mean, by the way?

Sighs. Forget it.

'night.















Am I living a fantasy? Am I living in a fantasy? Or, am I, a living fantasy?

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain...

Hawa'ain gumsum, har soo andhera

Haye woh shaam-e-ghareeba'n

Jalti zameen per tifl pareshan-o-hirasa'n

Raawi bayan karta hai you'n gham ka majra...

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Paray hain raiti pe chand laashay

Jo apna gham aap utha rahay hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Shikasta hathyaar kuch paray hain

Yeh loog shayad yahan laray hain

Laray tou woh honge jo baray hain

Nazar tou bachay bhi arahe hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Harrum pe kya guzri baad inke

Nahin zaroorat ke koi poochey

Jalay howey jo paray hain khaimay

Woh inka lut'na bata rahe hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Yeh loog hain kaun khandaa'n ke

Jo koi poochey tou kis se poochey

Musafir atay hain jo idher se

Woh raah qatra ke ja rahe hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Na koi murdon pe rooney wala

Na koi zakhmon ko dhonay wala

Parinde kuch kar rahe hain naala

Darinde kuch khaak ur'ra rahe hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Paray hain maqtal mein jitne laashay

Kisi badan mein bhi sar nahin hai

Sar unke kaatay sitamgaro'n ne

Woh sar harrum ko dikha rahey hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Woh eik mastoor ya za'eefa

utha ke hathon mein chaubay khaima'n

Uthi hai dainay harrum ka peh'ra

La'een jin ko darra rahey hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Shifa'atey hashr karne waley

Kahain jo woh kar guzarne waley

Ghayoor hain yeh woh marne waley

Jo hum ko ab tak rul'a rahey hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Marsiya

Kis sher ki aamad hai ke run kaa'np raha hai

Run eik taraf, charkh-e-kohan kaa'np raha hai

Rustam ka badan zair-e-kafan kaa'np raha hai

Har qasr-e-salateen-e-zaman kaa'np raha hai

Shamsheer bakaf dekh ke Haider ke pisar ko

Jibreel larztay hain samattay howe par ko...

♣

Please, Allah sa'een, please. Please! Bahaq-e-Mohammad(saww)-o-aal-e-Mohammad(saww) ya Rab-ul-Alameen, please!

Pep-talk... gone wrong

You! You, awful little creature! I wish I could slap you so hard that you would go crying back to your mommy! Ughhh!

Yeh Bil-yaqee'n Hussain(AS) Hai

"But your exam..." *disappointed*


"Exam gaya bhaar mein!" *indifference at its peak*


"But it was your (final) exam..." *woebegone*


"Kaha na exam bhaar mein jachuka hai, aur bhaar se cheezain wapis nikalna mujhey pasand nahin!" *smiles with indifference soaring above its peak*


*bewildered*


*shrugs*

Idher udher ki baatain

*frowns*

The mausam is so ajeeeeb-o-ghareeb. Was I not feeling lazy enough already, huh? I'm wearing socks because my feet get really cold lekin no faida- socks bhi thanday hogaye hain. *makes an angry face* Right now, I want to shout out so very loudly and say, 'kya hai yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!'. I'm feeling frustrated. Aiween mein. Majlis sunne ke liye ja nahin sakte. TV per koi majlis aa nahin rahi. There's nothing to do. Aur jo hai karne ko woh mujhe karna nahin hai- study, I mean. I cannot study. *sobs* Exam hai Tuesday ko. I feel like crying. I've reached a saturation point with regards to parhai. Eik cheez parh parh ke my mind's going wacko.

Thought of adding this random photo that I just took right now. (I was trying to study, you see *smiles sheepishly*) Okay, let me describe it to you (as I've nothing better, or worse, to do). That is my highlighter, (shall I tell you how much I adore fluorescent ink/things? I like how it hurts your eyes when you stare too hard at it). With the highlighter lies the purple pointer. Purple ink is cool too. Then there is my lousy red pouch that holds my fuzool stationery these days. On top of it lies my favourite item. Fluorescent index flags! Err... I love them too much to use them. *blushes* Crazy, I know. For some loco reason I like hoarding stationery only (not using it). Then there's the ugly gray calculator. Mera nahin hai. Sister's! Mine is khaak chaan-ing somewhere around the house. Anyways, then there's the pencil that is equally ugly except for the little orange part. Woh black and white thing is my lousy phone case. I've no idea what's that hair clip doing over there. Then there's the stupid chapstick. It's rose flavoured but I don't like it. Random question: "Can you tell which is my favourite colour?" Hint: "It's the most ubiquitous colour in the photo."

Let's forget about the photo now. I don't really like taking a shower. *curls toes* What? I don't. Because, I don't like water. Why? Because, you get wet, duh! And cold too. Han, if the water is warm then I can put up with it. But still, I'm no fan. And then, sardiyon mein tou bilkul bhi nahin. I wish I had some machine that would've allowed me to dry clean myself.

My hands are cold usually. Not just in winters, but otherwise too. B. and A. joke about it and say that's because I'm a 'bewafa'. It's said that people with cold hands are disloyal supposedly. *shrugs* I laugh it off. But sometimes, I pray to Allah sa'iin under my breath to never allow me to be disloyal. I can never be disloyal. Never. That's something even the mere thought of which frightens me. I might be an awful person. Way more awful than I suppose but, I shall never be unfaithful.

I had chai paratha for dinner. *grins* Weird? Nope. That's the most adored item on, not just my home's but, my khandaan's menu. Jab kuch sumujh na aye chai paratha kha lo. Easy breezy. I cannot make a 'paratha'. I mean, I haven't tried making it. I was planning to, tonight but didn't. *frowns* I want to learn to make a paratha like a pro.

I haven't studied even a tad bit today. I don't feel like studying anymore. I've been overtaken by ambivalence once again. It's about my internship. I hate it when I feel so indecisive. I wish I was a little decisive. I wish I wouldn't need other people to guide me. I'm twenty one and I still need people to hold me by my finger and walk me everywhere. (Ufff ami, papa, bj+bj,  if only you people hadn't pampered- read spoiled- me this much). Either this era isn't the right era for me, or I'm not right for it. Hmph!

I think I've reached some sort of tentative conclusion for now but I don't feel sure abhi tak. Anyways, I shall complete my four months, till December that is, and not take up the three-year ka training contract. Three year is too long a commitment. And anyways, I don't understand why am I even worrying about it when I hate my field in the first place. First of all, I won't work all my life. Pagal nahin hon mein. I shall not work after getting married. Let my husband-to-be be the bread winner of my family. *grins* And waysay bhi, I'm so not the 'out and about' kind. Sensitivity issues, you see. If I'm working right now then that's just because I want to experience things. It's just more out of curiousity, I assume, and not for the sake of career development.

Uhh.. I don't know I'm sound crazy again. We'll talk about this again sometime.

I want to go for a walk. A looooooooooooooong walk. A walk by the road side. Awaragardi.

It's getting late. I'm off to bed now. (Cannot allow my mind to diverge to further randomness, or nuisance, if you please).

'Night.

'Love me not, my friend, until you have to
And, love me not, my love, but my sorrows too.'

Sweet Escape

I want to run off to a place far far away. A place, very remote. With almost no one around, with no 'ayashi ka samaan' (as Z. puts it) around. I really want to be alone for some time. I am getting tired of people. (They might be, too). I want to give others a break. And, myself too. I want to be with myself for a while. Just me. I want to walk on the damp grass with bare feet just before the break of dawn. I want to sit by a silent lake and watch the moonlight glisten on the waters. I want to sit there until enchantment turns too mystifying and my heart sways away to the thoughts of magical creatures living underneath the shiny waters and the silence begins to frighten me. Then, I shall get up and walk away. I want to sit by the fire and hear the wood crackle as the fire devours it. I want to watch the orange flames flicker in the darkness of night. I want to stare right into it until the smoke makes my eyes tear up and forces me to blink. I want to watch it till the very end- until the fire dies. Until the last embers turn into ashes. Until it's time.

'And, she loosened the flower from her hairs and tossed it in the dying fire... For it was time- to leave...'

A heart within me...

...I have a little heart within me
And I like to bring him out of
His prison and carry him on the
Palm of my hand to examine him
In depth and extract his secret.
Aim not your arrows at him, lest
He takes fright and vanish 'ere he
Pours the secrets blood as a
Sacrifice at the altar of his
Own faith, given him by Deity
When he fashioned him of love and beauty...

-Khalil Jibran (Extract from Leave Me, My Blamer XIII)

Much ado about.... nothing, perhaps.

I act like a 7-year-old. Even 7-year-olds are more sensible these days. And me, I like standing at least a mile away from sensibility and the likes. W-h-e-n will I grow up, if ever?

On the other hand, I tend to think at times that I am a little too mature than people my age. I am a little profound than usual. Wishful thinking, perhaps.

I was stingy a few days ago. Probably just because I was not well. You know, the thing with me is that I don't get ill very often. Alhamdolillah. And even when I do fall ill, I don't make a fuss out of it. And luckily, I get better in a few days somehow. So, no one really comes to know how bad my condition was. So, when others get sick, I don't feel for them. Say, my sisters, I don't like it much when my mother tends to them when they fall ill. I feel neglected. (Absurd, I know- can't help it). Told you, I act very childish sometimes. Sighs.

You know, at times when I get slightly feverish and my mother asks me to take the meds; I say yes to her and whisper under my breath, 'no way'. Eik tou itni mushkil se aya hai bukhar, itni asani se kaise jane dedon? *smiles*  I dislike doctors (apologies sid) and abhor pills. Hence, the reluctance to take pills. The last time I took antibiotics was..... err... sorry, cannot remember (so you see majworld, it wasn't the 'antibiotic-effect'). 

So, a few days back I caught cold and  had a really bad throat. The runny nose made me go all the way beyond crazy and then my throat ached so bloody much that I found it hard to even swallow water. Yes. And, Z. thought it was funny. Huh. Yes, very funny indeed. *scowls* And then, I have asthma. Although, it remains dormant the whole year round but jumps out when I fall ill. Asthma is awful with a capital 'A'. So, I secretly hoped that my illness won't go further and turn into an asthma attack and treated myself with anti-allergies only. Despite the fact, that my mother asked me to take some pills and an inhaler that the doctor had prescribed. *smiles* Disobedient, are we? *winks*

Yeah so, I fell ill and just when I started to imagine about all the care and tendering that I'll be receiving everybody else in the house decided to fall ill. Arghhhh. This is what happens- always. There was no one to care for me because everybody was sick. Achi musibat hai. Jab S. ya ZB. beemar hotey hain tou Aunta tak ko khabar mil jati hai, aur jab mein beemar hon tou meri ama tak bekhabar hoti hain. Kion? Kion ke mujhey dramay karne ka shoq nahin. Huh. (Waysay tou mujhse zyada dramay karne wala koi paida nahi hua magar I don't know where do all my dramatic skills go when I'm sick).

Now about the last post. I felt vulnerable. I felt like the little old Ann as a kid who used to cry, when hurt, and repeat the same things over and over. 'Nobody loves me, nobody'. 'Please Allah saa'in I want to die, everybody shall be better off that way'. 'I'm sorry Allah saa'in, but please can I die earlier'. I don't know. Whom did I wish to ease by dying? Others? Or, myself? Both, I assume. *faint smile*

A comment made my eyes well up for some reason. No clue, why? And then after all, it was by a complete stranger. Then, why did it matter at all? (See, I'm that absurd). But all I know is, nobody misses nobody! That is what I've kept repeating to myself since childhood. Not until forever, at least.

And about love, you ask. *smiles* Death shall put an end to every thing. Sooner or later. It certainly shall.

I'm sorry. Tsk.

(It's ironic- my denial. *smiles* And, I'm a liar.)