13th Rajab

 Safar Taweel Hai, Raah-e-Nijat Chotti Hai
Ali(AS) Ka Zikr Bohat Hai, Hayat Chotti Hai
Ali(AS) Ko Kaise Mein Moula-e-Kainaat Kahon
Bara Hai Naam-e-Ali(AS) Kainaat Chotti Hai...

Wiladat-e-Moula Ali(AS) Mubarak =)

Conundrums and other fuzooliyaat

Main Entry: co·nun·drum

Pronunciation: \kə-ˈnən-drəm\

Function: noun

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 1645

1 : a riddle whose answer is or involves a pun
2 a : a question or problem having only a conjectural answer b : an intricate and difficult problem

God forbid, but happiness is unhealthy for my blog. When I am not sad *does that mean I am happy?*, I do not have the slightest idea what to write about. And actually, it's not even despair that brings out the creativity in me.

*Disruptions: You want to know what it is? Why would you want to know? Who are you anyways?*

Anyhow, despair, anxiety or  hurt are not feelings powerful enough to derive me to write something 'nice'. What creates magic is "bitterness"!

I, often, lead myself to believe that perhaps, I am in love with my sorrows. *Is that something like self-pity?* Sighs. Or may be, they have become very dear to me because I have grown more intimate with them. BUT, the plain-vanilla-kind sadness does not interest me. I like my cake of despair drenched in the dark chocolate syrup of bitterness. I like being stingy.

I am afraid I am sprinting on the path to insanity. My heart and mind seem to be a battleground for Armageddon, that is fought on a daily basis (nearly). I want to climb on the highest mountain only and only so that I can scream my lungs out for once, just for once. Ugh!

I want to slap someone, anyone. Uh? What the hell is wrong with me? I started writing this in a fairly good mood  but now.. I am not sure if it is still in that condition! How about I slap myself? *chataakhh*

*chuckles* I think I am just bored.

P.S. Choose any of the two definitions, you will get me anyway (or not). *smiles*

Finding my Daemon..

Your result for The Golden Compass Daemon Test...

Multi-Faceted Soul

In a way, you are a truly balanced person. You have a good sense of self, but you have periods of worry and self doubt. You don't like to be alone a lot, but you don't like being constantly surrounded, either. You can be shy in some situations and bold in others. You can tell people how you feel, but you don't wear your heart on your sleeve. You aren't "TOO" anything: You aren't too shy, you aren't too aggressive, you aren't too extroverted, you aren't too introverted. However at any one time you can be any combination of these things.

You tend to adapt yourself to match the situations in which you find yourself. You may be quiet and sensitive with some people, or joking and loud with others. These are all facets of your personality. People tend to perceive you as they want to perceive you. They may even tend to idealize you a bit. Then, when you do something that doesn't fit their concept of who you are (like have an outburst of anger, or a fit of shyness, or make an insensitive joke)they can be shocked and surprised. Does anyone know the real you?

Your daemon would represent your multi-faceted and ever-changing personality, as well as people's tendency to idealize you. He or she would get angry when you did not, be calm and poised when you felt ruffled and anxious, and always be the voice of emotion and reason in your ear.

Suggested forms:
Swan, Elephant, Koala, Panda, Chameleon, Wolf.

(Courtest: HelloQuizzy)


P.S. I think this is me. I think if we could really have our Daemons, I would not have needed people. I am not a people's person anyways except just a few whom I like being crazy with. Oh and by the way, I scored 79% higher than my peers on "Sensitivity Analysis". (The new software that I installed for indifference is malfunctioning again, I guess. Too bad)

For Papa Jani, With Lots Of love.

There is only about an hour left for the day to pass away. It is Father's Day, right. First of all, I am not a very big fan of associating particular days with particular relations and especially with relations as ethereal as that pf parents. However, I will do this Happy Father's Day thing. So, until I am done with this testimonial of mine the date would have passed but umm.. I'm running my clock on the Brazilian standard time for the time being. =) Because... My father is in Brazil these days, silly. Hehehe.

My father. My papa, actually and baba for my bhai-jaans. I will not say anything about being a good daughter 'cause I really doubt that possibility. But my papa jani is the best father that a person like me could have got. I am a very sinful person yet Allah Sa'in's mercy and bounty knows no limits. I am this horrible person who has a high tendency to hurt those who love me and even those whom I love. I tend to hurt others for no reason that relates to them. It is crazy with me.

There are times when even my ami jani finds me hopeless and just shrugs her shoulders at me, walks away and stops speaking to me. It really hurts. It hurts because I am an attention seeker. I throw tantrums because I want people (who love me, of course) to prove to me time and again that they love me. Demented, you think? You have a right to say that because I agree with that proposition. Love is never enough for me, I always want more. I think that is some kind of complex too however, I have no idea how it became a part of my personality. I am flawed and this trait is one of the the most major flaws.

My papa on the other hand, is always always always ready to welcome my tantrums with open arms. When I am annoyed and I act all serious and grave. It bugs him. He starts asking me what's up with me. I, of course, do not give him a satisfactory answer and then he starts questioning my mother about me. He does not rest until he finally succeeds at making me smile (laugh most of the times).

I bet it is only him who can make me laugh in the most grim-est of moods. He has something in him... He makes some weird faces that are usually an imitation of my weird face.. He says some stuff and he makes it so hard not to laugh or smile. Then I usually give him a tight hug and rush into my room or the bathroom and start crying and curse myself for causing my parents so much pain.

There is this idiom in urdu "jaan chirakna", I have got a father who literally does that. We even have fights. Almost always I am wrong but those very few times when he is wrong he literally comes to me and tries to appease me.

Oh God! Papa you are spoiling me. You know what scares me? What scares me most is the fact that I have been pampered and loved so lavishly but my papa will not always be with me. I will have to marry and be with someone else. This extravagant love showered upon me has made me lose the sense of balance between things. I look at everybody wearing the same specs that I use to look at my father. I presume unreasonably that those who love me will love me with the same intensity. But this is not true.

When I look at my father, my parents actually I thank God for he has blessed me but when I look at myself I realise that they might not be as lucky  to have me as I am to have them in my life. I love you, papa. And I am missing you these days. FIFA is no fun without you, however I will watch it and update you. I am not even watching the Asian Cup. I am glad that we watched French Open together, by the way I don't like Serena Williams at all- I have no idea why you like her! Hmph!

Allah Sa'iin, I am really sorry. Please forgive me. I have been bad over and over again. I have sought your mercy and yet committed the same sins again and again. I have no idea how you forgive me. All I know is that though my sins make a hideous heap but the mountain of your mercy is always always taller. But Allah Sa'iin this time forgive me in a way so that I may never return to the filthy waters of vices. I am sorry.

I love you, Papa.  From your chhota driver.

A dream deferred...

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up 

like a raisin in the sun? 

Or fester like a sore-- 

And then run? 

Does it stink like rotten meat? 

Or crust and sugar over-- 

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags 

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

-Langston Hughes

Do you dream? Do you hold them close to your heart? Are your dreams the paint brushes that colour your life? Do you believe in them? Do you still?

I don't.

For me, dreams are like stars. When you are a child, you look up at them and smile. Their twinkle creates a mirror image in your eyes. You wish to touch them so that some of their shimmer might stick to your fingers and then you can brush your face gently and glitter like a star itself. But once you grow up, the truth is slapped onto you. The stars are nothing but huge spheres of very hot, glowing gases. First of all, you cannot touch them and even if you somehow do, you will burn yourself.

There is something else common between them as well. Their death. When stars die, they explode into trillions of pieces and go flying haywire in the space, hit whatever comes in their path, destroy (or damage) others; or just get lost in the eternal vastness of the universe. When dreams die, they too shatter into billion little sharp pieces. But they don't fly away, they stay put- in your eyes, and prick them, and sting them for as long as they can. They are like tiny pieces of glass stuck in your eyes. Each time you blink, they make it hurt.

Stars are just a hoax. Their shine, their twinkle lasts only as long as you are gazillions of miles away from them. They are nothing but giant burning balls, oblivious and orbit-less. They are a sham. And so are dreams.

Filmain Shilmain... Gaane Waane..

Let's not whine for a while. Let's talk about Bollywood movies and how cheesy Bollywood songs get sometimes and yet how they still manage to make your feet thump to those tunes. =) Okay.... As a kid my fav heroes used to be the three Khans and.... Rahul Roy. Some of you might not even know who Rahul Roy is and those of you who know him must have started squinting at that name and must have read it again to ensure that Rahul Roy is what they read. Lol. Guilty pleasures of childhood. "Baadalon Mein Chhup Raha Hai Chaand Kion... Apne Husn Ki Ziya Se Pooch Lo.." *hums* Yes, that is my favourite song- abhi tak. Anyways, now whenever I remember liking him I go all... Eww... Hahaha.

So yes, Shahrukh Khan was also one of my crushes. I remember having a guy in my school, a 10th grader probably, on whom I and my friends had a major crush because he looked like Shahrukh Khan (please note by that we were merely 3rd or 4th graders then) *blushes* I liked all SRK movies, even the most crummy ones. I adored Baazigar especially. "Yeh Kaali Kaali Ankhain.. Tu Ru Ru.. Tu Ru Ru... Lalalala..." Oh and by the way, I heard this song today which I also used to like as a child "Dekhi Nahi Kabhi.. Aisi Deewangi.. Meine.. Is Liye.. Hans Ke.. Pyar Se.. Jaanejana.. Deewana.. Tera Naaaaaaaam Rakh Diya... Tera Naam Rakh Diya...." =D

Oh and woh batana tu bhool he gayee... Guess how many times I watched Satte pe Satta? Let me tell you... Umm... Sorry, I lost count ages ago... Hehehe. Khair another song that I used to like was "Churra Ke Dil Meraaaaa... Goriya Chali.. Turururu..." ;) Other than that, I liked Akshaye Khanna for some reason too... Oh I love that song too... "Aiinaa Bata Kaise Unka Dil Churana Aaj Phir Akele Mein Unse Milna Jana Hai... Muhabbat Hai.. Muhabbat Hai.."

Oh how much I loved DDLJ and Hum Aapke Hain Kaun... Salman Khan.... *sighs* I have gotten over Shahrukh Khan but Sallu... Nah! Haven't gotten over him. Somehow that song popped in my mind achanak se, "Hojata Hai Kaise Pyar.. Na Jaane Koi.. Na Jaane Koi.." I cannot remember this movie's name but I remember watching this movie many times as well. Most people of my age, might not be aware of these songs as they age back to when we were teeny meeny but I was made aware of them because of my elder brothers, cousins and the rest of the family. This is nothing. I know songs dated back to 50's and 60's.

Oh how we used to listen to Indian pop music. Once upon a time, we and my cousins used to have this Indi Music/Movies fever thingy. Blame it on having a satellite dish. Lol. Man! There was a time when the Indi pop was so beautiful... Ab tu bakwas he hai... Pata nahi hai bhi ke nahi. Pankaj Udhas- Such melodious songs he used to sing. Our favourite was "Mere Haath Mein Sharab Hai.. Such Bolta Hun Mein.." Oh the music videos they used to make- Falguni Pathak and her songs. Lovely. Good times.

Then came Stereo Nation with their songs "Nachangi Sari Raat" and "Pyar hogaya.. Kisi se yaron humein pyar hogaya.." How we used to love these songs and how one of my cousins used to tease us and his sisters about what a pathetic singer that man was. Hehehe. I agree now. Which reminds me how this particular cousin and his elder brother always used to argue about who was the best the music director- Anu Malik or Nadeem Sharvan?

I loved the movie Soldier too. Its songs were so adorable. By the way, soldier reminds me of Bobby Deol and he reminds me of that movie ummm..... Yeah "Barsaat" (1995). I so love that song, "Hum Ko Sirf Tum Se Pyar Hai.. Hum Ko Sirf Tum Se Pyar Hai..." *hums*  You would not want to know how many times we have watched "Dil Tou Pagal Hai". How I used to hate Pooja (Madhuri Dixit) for stealing away Rahul (SRK) from Nisha (Karisma Kapoor). Hehehe. We also watched "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai" alot of times.

Anyways, so time has changed. I watch less Bolly movies now. (Less than before, I mean) Since the last few years one of my favourite movie has been...... "Hum Ko Deewana Kargaye" Nahi nahi kar ke bhi I have watched it about 10 times or a little less. I love it. Ahluvet. Do not ask me why? I just do. I have made my sisters sick of that movie. Lol. (Pst. Pst. Let me tell you a secret: Since a few years, I have been having a crush on Akshay Kumar). Anyhow, so I am going to leave you with a song from that movie which I really like... And another from "Koi Mil Gaya". Listen to which ever you like. Or don't. =)

Indifference- The ebbs and flows

Like the waves of an ocean, it came and tickled my feet. The sensation travelled up my body and to my soul. It permeated me with a surge of an unknown emotion. Was it really unknown, now? Or was it just long-forgotten? An acquaintance who chose to remain a stranger. Serenity. *smirks*

Like the waves of an ocean, it refluxed away from me and with it, took away many a little grains of sand from under my feet. Took away the stranger, the serenity.

I waited for the next wave to flow towards me and they did, one after the other. But it never came back again. What tickled my feet now was just plain salt water. The only sensation that registered with me now was icy chilliness. The stranger was gone. Gone yet again.

Less-ness...

I am feeling clue-LESS. The bitterness seems end-LESS. You seem hope-LESS. My anger, my aguish seem fruit-LESS. Everything seems meaning-LESS. Period.

A broken pencil

http://www.flickr.com/photos/kalimistuk/4082166494/

My life is a broken pencil- it seems pointless. Even with you in it. Having said that, I wonder since when did I become so indifferent. Not that I do not like it this way. I always wished and hoped to be indifferent and now that indifference is finally taking over me, I feel tempted to ask myself, "So what was it? What was the last straw?" Really, I want to figure it out. What just happened? How did my tables turn? This bitter tranquility that howls inside me is odd. I do not feel angry or anguished. Anxiety is nowhere near me. How did this happen? So, does this mean I took in everything? Shut it in a box and threw it in some dark corner where I probably will never find it anytime soon? Since when did I become so strong?I do not like it this way. It feels hollow. Not having any feelings, being numb makes me feel empty. I was once told by my Ami jani that I should not keep to myself I should voice out my miseries, my problems. She asked why do I do this. She said sharing your feelings lessens your heart's burden. *Sighs* True. I wanted to tell her that I already know that and I want to! I want to let people know how I feel but it is so hard. I cannot. No matter how much I try. I cannot. I tried telling you but you looked at my words so superficially you never got to understand them. I tried again, you thought my words were insignificant and naive. I admit I have destructive tendencies and that my feelings are not always gentle. The day my mother told me to vent out I was told by someone to "keep my feelings to myself, to control them". I felt a kick in my gut. I wanted to tell that particular person how ridiculous it sounded, how irrelevant. I wanted to laugh and I wanted to cry at the same time. "Keep my feelings to myself", seriously? What made you say this? When did I share myself with you, when did I make you my confidant and when did I reveal my feelings to you? I do not remember doing any of this and yet you tell me to keep my god-damn feelings to myself. You have no idea how I have gotten sick of keeping to myself. Now of all times, I want to speak to somebody, anybody. I was reading Sidra's post where she said "I’m no expert in counseling people or making them feel better..." and something snapped inside me. I am sick of counselling others and making them feel better. I want someone to appease me, pacify me, make me feel better. I heard a dialogue randomly on TV today, a guy was saying, "...speaking out your feelings makes them weaker in your heart, it lessens their intensity.." I want to speak out but I cannot do it on my own. I need someone to lure me into speaking. Too much to ask, uh? *Sighs*

Life's FAQ#1

Q: Mera Dimagh Itna Kharab Kion Hai?

Ans: Mera dimagh kharab hai because I have been loved... excessively and unnecessarily. 

*shrugs*

This answer forfeits every right that I thought I had to complain.

 I need to change. Not for myself, but for those who love me unconditionally. 

True That!

“All animals are equal but some are more equal than others”
[George Orwell, Animal Farm]