My life is a broken pencil- it seems pointless. Even with you in it. Having said that, I wonder since when did I become so indifferent. Not that I do not like it this way. I always wished and hoped to be indifferent and now that indifference is finally taking over me, I feel tempted to ask myself, "So what was it? What was the last straw?" Really, I want to figure it out. What just happened? How did my tables turn? This bitter tranquility that howls inside me is odd. I do not feel angry or anguished. Anxiety is nowhere near me. How did this happen? So, does this mean I took in everything? Shut it in a box and threw it in some dark corner where I probably will never find it anytime soon? Since when did I become so strong?I do not like it this way. It feels hollow. Not having any feelings, being numb makes me feel empty. I was once told by my Ami jani that I should not keep to myself I should voice out my miseries, my problems. She asked why do I do this. She said sharing your feelings lessens your heart's burden. *Sighs* True. I wanted to tell her that I already know that and I want to! I want to let people know how I feel but it is so hard. I cannot. No matter how much I try. I cannot. I tried telling you but you looked at my words so superficially you never got to understand them. I tried again, you thought my words were insignificant and naive. I admit I have destructive tendencies and that my feelings are not always gentle. The day my mother told me to vent out I was told by someone to "keep my feelings to myself, to control them". I felt a kick in my gut. I wanted to tell that particular person how ridiculous it sounded, how irrelevant. I wanted to laugh and I wanted to cry at the same time. "Keep my feelings to myself", seriously? What made you say this? When did I share myself with you, when did I make you my confidant and when did I reveal my feelings to you? I do not remember doing any of this and yet you tell me to keep my god-damn feelings to myself. You have no idea how I have gotten sick of keeping to myself. Now of all times, I want to speak to somebody, anybody. I was reading Sidra's post where she said "I’m no expert in counseling people or making them feel better..." and something snapped inside me. I am sick of counselling others and making them feel better. I want someone to appease me, pacify me, make me feel better. I heard a dialogue randomly on TV today, a guy was saying, "...speaking out your feelings makes them weaker in your heart, it lessens their intensity.." I want to speak out but I cannot do it on my own. I need someone to lure me into speaking. Too much to ask, uh? *Sighs*
2 comments:
I have been through this! I am still going through this! I KNOW this feeling, Ann, I know this. This sounds, very, very familiar =) VERY familiar.
Ally: *hugs*
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