Expendable me

Lack of consideration - aaj ke ghamoun ke akhbaar ki surkhi.
I feel so dispensable. And well, let's face it - it is a truth; the truth. I wish it wasn't.
But I wish for so many things... *flicks her wrist at herself* Who cares!

Looked out the window a while ago to find a little furball frolicking around.

*sighs*

I miss Lizzie so much. Why did she have to go? It breaks my heart...

I'm not going anywhere, but I guess you should.

*sighs* 

I cannot write anymore. No, really- I can't. 

All of you guys may leave, if you please. I mean seriously, for your own good. I'm no more as fun as I used to be. 

I'm not different anymore. I'm just like everybody else now. So mundane. Just part of the crowd. 

I'm sorry to disappoint.

Tolkien, others might not be... but, I am!

But, I certainly am.

Sighs.

Exams are around the corner and I'm not interested in studying. Despite this being my qualifying attempt, I've no motivation. No. Nada. I'm not really working hard. But then on a second thought, I never have. Nevertheless, I do at least try to put in some effort usually. However, I don't know what's wrong with me this time. I feel so disoriented. A little listless.

 I've had a change of heart with regards to a lot of things. I really do mean A LOT, when I say a lot. I'm not the same person I was last year, and it's kind of irritating because I've never really been good with such radical changes. 

But things change, right. Change is what connotes life, doesn't it. All of us have changed in some way or other. Let's see some illustrations: *smiles*

♠ Ally- she's farther away now then she used to be, physically and virtually as well.

♠ Sid- has plunged deeper into her lake of distress. No more happy posts from her anymore.

♠ B- is.... oh well, B has managed to remain B, I shall surmise. *smiles* He never used to blog often and, that hasn't changed much (so okay, I don't see how he has evolved- so let's just assume he hasn't!)

♠ Majworld- he's maturing at a rate faster than fast. His posts have changed from happy-go-lucky-everyday-stuff to deeper things. It sometimes makes me laugh at how closely and scrutinizingly he has started looking at things. Yes, I'm sorry majworld, but it makes me laugh. :P

So yes, we evolve with time, don't we? No surprise, if I did too, right? But... it isn't exactly what I could've ever imagined. I don't know at what point did I let go off myself, but I did. I was supposed to let go off other things but somehow I guess I let go off my own self. 

Honestly, and I don't care how cliched this sounds but, the ironic truth is that as soon as I changed.... my world turned to a perfect mirror image of my hopes and wishes. Only... it was too late. I somehow didn't want it anymore. So, it kind of doesn't matter now. *smirk*  Everything around me started falling right in its place; just that... I wasn't standing exactly where I used to before. And not to mention, my cynicism has escalated drastically. (Will write on it specifically, later sometimes).

Have I ever told you, that I don't have dreams? Dreams as in, like how people want to own a yacht (that's Gopher's dream, lol) or something else; or achieve something in life; et cetera. Yea, that sort of dreams. I can't think of any. I don't know if it's sad or what. I'm just not interested enough, so to speak. 

I was always dull and boring and, I still am. However, the only thing that's different now I guess is an added tinge of apathy and agitation.

And let me confess the most deplorable part of my (uncalled for) evolution- I have lost my connection with Him. I was a sinner, as far back as I can see myself. Never a saint, or even close. One of His worst creatures, I feel sad to admit. But there was still a connection. I feel disconnected now. My soul feels disconnected.

I want to revert back to Him. I want it so bad. I want it so bad!

So yeah, anyways. I'm going to go away now (well, I'm gonna try to), until my exams are over, and that'll be 10th June. I don't really think I'll be totally away though, because ever since the exam fever has started, loitering on blogspot seems to be the nicest thing to do. Han na, I want to do everything that doesn't spell 'S-T-U-D-Y'. Thank Lord, I've temporarily discontinued playing Crysis2. Will resume after exams though. But, I'm just concerned that Gopher would have completed it by then. *frowns* I hope not. *fingers crossed*

By the way, S made me listen to another silly song, (no, don't worry I'm not going to keep it a secret to stir curiosity this time) it's akon's chammak challo. God! What's up with songs these days? It's funny though, just the chammak challo part. It's funny because I made an inside joke out of it. But on a serious note, we need song writers, decent song writers, that is. Nevertheless, the previous song from dehli belly makes me go hahaha really! When I made my ami jani listen to it, she gave me a disgusted look as the song began. 'Aray yaaar *shakes head* isko music ki tarah mat lain iss ko mazah ke tanazur se dekhain', I protested (lol, no I didn't use either of the words mazah or tanazur. I couldn't have anyways, coz' I speak sindhi, remember silly!) *smiles* So, yes she laughed a little while listening, which means she thought it was funny too! 

Okie, I shall leave you now. You may let out a deep sigh of relieve. I know you want to. *smiles* 

Image courtesy: weheartit

Steam rolling whatever I see... Huh, despicable me.

When I get angry. I get VERY angry. It's almost maddening. And when I that way, I don't want anyone to speak to me. I want everyone to shut up. Just do anything but don't talk to me when I go off at the deep end!

It's almost as if my anger is a dark force that dwells inside me, and all hell is on the brink of breaking loose when it's unleashed. It's frightening sometimes.

When I feel this demon coming out of its slumber, I fall silent. It's a creepy silence, I tell you. I don't speak to anyone. I'm quiet as a sea before a storm. I feel as if opening my mouth would allow this dark force to escape and devour everything around me.

Anyways.

Nose piercing, what d'ya say?

*smiles*

Do you have any idea, how much fun ciphering is? It's uber awesome!! *winks*

pharrell williams mp3s
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I'm crazy. Are you?

I just knew I was crazy. What I didn't know was that I had a thing for craziness, and insanity. That's......... insane, right?

Oh my good Lord. Too many discoveries for a year that has just begun. Sighs.

I don't think I like twenty-eleven. It seems very naughty to me.

God save me. Please. Pretty please. *smiles*

What we call love, is a very stupid thing, y'know.

I loved you when you were little. Weak. Alone. I stood by you, when everyone else thought you were at fault. And well, they used to be right. But I just hated it when someone scolded you.

I was your shield.

Yes, I had to hear things for saving you even when you were wrong, even when you rightly deserved a good scolding. But it didn't matter. It didn't matter to me. Because I loved you. I fought for you. For all the wrong reasons, I know. You were never right. You were a brat. But it still didn't matter.

And now... *weary smile* You don't remember any of it, do you? Guess you were too young to notice.

It hurts a bit, but hey, I'm alright! *smiles*

Sighs.

Wild horses

Enough is enough. I need to work on myself. 

Wishes are wild horses, but they need to be reined in this time.

Un-amusing musings

I hate how SMAAK sends me crazily hilarious sort of text messages but never replies to my replies. Grrr....

So anyways, I'm here to report a slight modification. Okay 'slight' is an under-under-under-statement.

I don't love the people I once used to, anymore. I mean not with the same fervor.

I like different people now. There's a whole lot of other people now who make me smile or laugh (in a very embarrassing way).

The old ones, I never thought I would stop loving them. I don't even think I have stopped. But, I'm afraid. What if this is a beginning- of an end?

My life works on the 'ceteris paribus' clause. All other things have to remain the same. They cannot change.

I've actually been running away from the old ones. I now see how unfair and incorrect they've been and somehow I don't find myself able to tolerate that anymore.

The blindfold- unfolds.

P.S. I wonder where anonymous is, these days?

And my axis skewed...

I've become a whiner, and please don't tell me how great a thing whining is, 'cause it's not.

Pa jani scolded me yesterday. A good scolding, it certainly was. He actually shouted at me. But, what amazed me was the fact that while he shouted at me not a single drop of tear rolled down my cheek. Neither did it quiver on my lashes. My eyes were dry. However, I wept later on.

I think I know why. It took a little while to penetrate. It took a little while to process things. It took a little whole to register. The immediate reaction was disbelief. And the pain registered only when my senses restored and clearly reckoned what had just happened.

He was really angry at me. And, it was my fault.

Apologizing is a horrific task, you must agree. It takes a lot of courage. Even if it's your own father in question. It's an ordeal in itself. The mere prospect that your apology may not be accepted makes your heart sink. You wonder if you should go through all the trouble of  screwing up your courage and trampling your ego only to face rejection.

He didn't answer me the first time I said 'sorry'. It shattered my heart into a trillion pieces. He just walked out on me. He returned in the afternoon and I had to apologize because it was killing me. He was dining, I went up to him again, said the same little pathetic word, and expected the same icy response. Something inside me was stabbing me. There was no reaction, yet again. My face went all red and my eyes found themselves unable to hold back any longer. My grip on the chair's back grew tighter. All I could manage to say was a meek 'sorry'. This time he heard.

He looked up and hugged me, resting his cheek on mine. And that was it for me. I broke into sobs.

I'm a very bad person.

Let me count the ways...

Let's see how uneventful (read: humdrum, in its most superlative degree) my life is:

• I don't hang out with friends. Used to hang out with cousins, but it just doesn't happen anymore. And, I miss it.
• I don't go out for shopping. I intend on buying a lot of stuff but it never really materializes. I somehow always feel too tired when asked if I'd like to go on a shopping spree.
• I cannot really remember when was the last time I went out to have a decent dinner. Oh wait, I just remembered, it was on October. 
• I don't chit chat with my friends for long hours on the phone. I used to once, but not any more.
• I don't use facebook, msn messenger, skype or any other similar social networking mundanities. I've (dormant, or partially dormant) accounts everywhere, though.
• I watch tv or sit in front my computer when and if I've some free time.
• On being asked what I watch on tv, I answer, 'uh.. nothing in particular. Everything, actually."
• I've really stopped talking to people, because I've become severely irritable.
• For the same reason, people have stopped liking me. This should have happened quite a long time back, but hey, people around me are extra-ordinarily kind. God bless them. (And, as for those who haven't yet somehow stopped liking me- I treat them pretty severely.)
• I don't have a hobby any more. I don't draw. I don't paint. I don't do anything at all. Nothing. I don't even like chocolates anymore. Not that it was a hobby, but anyways- just for the sake of mentioning.

I managed to come up with ten things. Huh, lovely! Even turtles have a life more eventful than mine.

Sighs. 

Ally

You're missed.

Honest.

Chronicles of Ann, the Outlandish- FILTERED!

I knew I shouldn't have told you. I knew it all along. And, yet I did. I am so naive. Well actually, naive is a very decent word. I am an idiot. Yes, that sounds much better.

I wish I could have talked to you about any and every thing. I wish I didn't have to filter my chronicles, my stories before narrating them to you.

I talk too much, no. I won't now. At least, I'll try not too.

You lied, you know. We aren't friends. We can never be.

And, isn't that a tragedy?

*smirks*

*sniffs*

Aaj kal tou sirf daant he khanay ko mil rahi hai. (Taqreeban) har baat per. Baqi sab kuch tou umr-e-guzishta ke qissay lag rahe hain.

*hmph*

Sitaarey gardish mein hain shayad.... *wonders*

*smiles*

To be or not to be: that is the question...

I was just being open with you. I thought I could say anything to you. I thought I could speak to you about any and everything. I was only being honest. I had no idea my honesty could prick you. I'll be careful next time... I will... But then, isn't concealing the truth as good as lying? I don't want to lie to you. But, I don't want to hurt you either...

Will someone please get the butterflies out of my stomach?

Oh God!

Just don't sit in front of me like that. Please, please, please don't position yourself in my line of sight. You've no idea how... how maddening it is.

I feel suicidal now. Ahhh, I want to die.

*slaps herself real hard*

Snap out of it.

Sighhhhs.

Whatever happened to creative writing...

*blinks in bewilderment*

Hellowww! I'm making a fool out of you. No. Actually, you, yourself, are making a fool out of yourself.

I write something; you read something and there is a huge difference between the two somethings. 

What in the world am I trying to hint at? *rolls eyes* 

********************************

Literature has an interesting trait, you see. It's open to interpretation. Way open. Two people will almost never see a piece of writing in the same light. We have this chronic habit of shedding the light of our own experiences/encounters and then giving the words our own translation. That's the most interesting thing about literature (or is it?). 

********************************

I am trying to write something. Ughhh. Nothing's happening. I need magic. 

Where's the magic?

********************************

You know, each and everyday, I am swarmed with thoughts; some scenes, some dialogues that I've never heard of or seen. There is usually no coherence between these events. They are usually random revelations. Without any connection. Mere figments of my imagination. My marvelous imagination.

I wish to write them all down. And then may be, some day link them together and discover a beautiful piece of art. May be, just may be. 

*********************************

What the hell am I doing in an audit firm? 

*********************************

I am a murderer. A ruthless murderer. I killed an artist. 

*********************************

And she will be loved...

Behis'si thi ke mere zabt ka andaaz tha yeh

Muztarib tha bhi agar, mein kabhi barham tou na tha

I wish I could've said this sher  for myself but well, that's way out of question. In my case, barhami depends exponentially on the iztiraab. This couplet, nevertheless, opened a new door for me. Not a door that unveils the secrets of the lost city of Atlantis or some X-files from A-51 or the location of Holy Grail, for that matter. No. Nothing as such. What lies behind this door is a fact that's so obvious that it never grasped my attention, until now. 

Anyhow, yesterday S. was listening to Maroon 5's "She will be loved". (Hayye. I've always loved this song) I was lying beside her in ami's room and, something struck me about this song for the first time. I suddenly wished to find someone who'd catch me every time I fall. Yes, every time. I wished that every time I fall, someone would shake his/her head in disapproval and yet, reach out for my hand and pick me up. I won't mind a little scolding either. *insert a wide and a very dheet smile here* I'll persist on falling, though. 

I don't want to change. I know I am not good. I am so so so bad. I know. People have said this to me enough times to make me believe this. Which again, by the way, brings me to this empty wrapper of Dove's Promises that is lying in front of me. I have no idea which of the two monsters ate it and left the wrapper here but had I been superstitious I would have taken this as an omen of some kind. *smiles* You want to know what the message on its inside says? It says, Never let others' opinion change the way you feel about yourself. Uhh...But it's a little too late already. I have changed a lot; for the ones I love. However, somehow I'm still work-in-progress.

Umm... I have a lot to say. The rants don't end here. Oh no, they don't! *chuckles* 

Lovely little things...

I am really looking forward to Eid. *grins* Just thinking about it is making me grin. Last year's Eid was awesome. The entire family gathered at my mama's place and it was great. The giggles, the gossips, the food (err.. not my thing though). Everything was fun. I remember BJ and Z. teasing me on my driving skills. They kept calling me driver and kept pestering me on how BJ forced Pa jani to get the car insured just because of me.

Oh by the way, BJ thinks I'm a mad driver. Well, because one day I and BJ were coming back from my chachu's place and I was driving my car and he was driving his. Chachu's and our homes are close by so, we were using the service road instead of the main and it had gotten a little traffic-ky due to the double parking. So anyways, I got through it but BJ got stuck. Imagine that, lol. So, I had to wait for him. When we reached home, he narrated to Ami jani how quickly I by passed the jam. He said, he thought, 'Aaj tu gayee gaari... Jis speed se ye nikli hai... Allah khair...' lol.

By the way, I kind of agree with the male species, women drivers are dumb. Trust me. I'm not referring to myself though, lol. (Although, I might myself be dumb. Or not!) But generally speaking, women don't make good drivers. The only problem is that they kind of trouble others as well.

I am still a beginner but I am a little too good for beginner (Thanks to my coach: Chachu). I have no idea how did I manage to learn to drive. When I initially started learning, at times BJ and at times another driver Alauddin uncle used to teach us (me and my sisters). I remember I found it so hard to get the car moving in the first gear. I found it so hard to press the accelerator and leave the clutch simultaneously and consequently, I used to almost always end up stalling. It's all so bloody calculated bhaee.  BJ used to get pissed off. Allauddin uncle didn't use to say anything though. Anyhow, teen teen logon ki jee torr mehnat ke baad I mastered getting into the first gear. *smiles* Driving used to be fun initially. Now that I know how to drive, the charm has evaporated. *smiles*

I didn't really want to learn to drive but Pa jani wanted me to learn. He calls me his chhota driver. Actually he calls me chhotu, lol. Well because, I am his assistant electrician, carpenter, plumber, driver, et cetera. A handy-man (or girl), in short. *grins* Jack of all trades, master at none! Anyways, so he actually wanted us to be less dependent on the drivers. Because drivers are similar to electricity here in Pakistan, they keep coming and going, lol. Saeed bhai left. :( He decided he wanted to drive a larger vehicle, lol. Now, we've got Anwar bhai. I hope he doesn't leave anytime soon. He's a good person too. But Saeed bhai was so nice.

Drivers and massi's are my Ami jani's hugest dilemmas. Unki tu raat din ki neend haram hojati hai agar driver chala jaye ya jane wala ho. Ami huzoor is worried these days. She's pretty upset. She has lost some of her jewellry. She has looked everywhere but to no use. Please pray that she finds her things back. Insha'Allah.

Umm... Oye guess what! I haven't been to shopping the entire Ramazan. Not even once. Can you believe that? *grins* I despise shopping. As astonishing as it may sound to you, but yes. I don't have the stamina required for shopping. Mera bas chalay tu mere liye koi aur shopping karliya karay. However, I am not that lucky. I happen to be a bit picky. So, my sisters and mother don't risk buying things for me until and unless I beg them too. It doesn't mean I don't love clothes or shoes or et cetera. In fact, I love everything except shopping. Despite this fact, I have to shop. And surprisingly, this time I haven't been out at all. However, my tayari is complete. How? Long story.

I talk too much. This will end here.

Good night.

Why yes, I am feeling fine..

I am feeling a little disoriented. I need to get myself busy, I suppose. But then, I do not believe that would help much. No matter how busy I am, I almost always get time to put myself on pause and mull over things. And then there are people who don't have time. Ha. Do you want to know one kind of excuse that ticks me off? Never tell me, you 'didn't get time'. Tell me anything, and I will welcome your excuses with a smile. Just never tell me that.  So anyways, I am assuming getting busy won't work for me.

I am not sad, you see. There isn't any reason to feel sad, not really. And about feeling happy, I cannot say much. I don't know, probably I am swaying somewhere in between the two. Although, most probably I am supposed to be feeling sad. I should be found around wearing a thick blanket of despair. But, I am not. And may be, this is what that is actually irritating me. Not feeling woeful when actually I should be. I feel apathetic. Indifferent. And I am not liking it. I have always longed for indifference and now that it has come to me, I feel smothered in its tight hug. I am just irritated. I will be fine soon, Insha'Allah. I know. I will be fine. However, I have always wondered what 'fine' is? 'I am feeling fine'. How do you feel when you 'feel fine'? I don't really think 'feeling fine' is an emotion. You can either feel happy or sad or something of that sort but 'fine'- I am not sure. If some one asks me how am I feeling now. I'd say, 'Why, thank you. I am feeling fine".

I had fun last night, you know. Eeman, Amnah and the very badmaash little Hamza. Oh! I love them. They are the cutest little things. All three of them are in such contrast with each other. Total 'udham', I tell you. *smiles*

I wish I was a person who looked at the bright side of things. They call it 'optimism', yeah? Whatever that is! *dull smile*

I had the interview(s). That's another interesting story, you know. I will tell you, may be in a day or two. I don't feel like writing right now.

Good day!

You are such a cry baby!

A single day at work was adequate for me to realise that I cannot take this. I just don't have it in me. Nope! I don't!

I cannot work! I was looking for an internship and applying here and then there and then everywhere. Haye! The market is so saturated, just getting an internship has become a tough nut. How would it be like to find a job- Don't even want to think about it. Uh. Tsk. Tsk. Let me tell you something- I just realised that the entire country is being run on a "source". God! You need a source for everything. What the hell happened to the "chiriya" named merit? Anyways, so I got into an audit firm. Sigh. Don't even ask how the experience was. I walked in to the office in the morning and left in the evening deciding in my heart never to return here again. Audit Firms are SO boring! B-o-r-i-n-g! The people who work their are not people. A day's trip to a firm scraped off my hardened bruises and made me repeat the same old sentences for a zillionth time. "Mein yeh sab kion kar rahi hon. Why am I studying this. It is not meant for me. Kis manhos ghari mein I chose this field. Et cetera." What makes me sad is the fact that this is going to be a life long regret. And you know, what makes it even sorer? What augments the soreness is the fact that even though I hate what I am doing but I have to pretend otherwise in front of others (except for a handful of people). This one time only, I am finding it very hard to accept that I have messed up- messed up the most important decision of my life. Ch!

Anyways, I have also realised that I am not tough enough. I am not job material. I cannot work, as I have already mentioned. I cannot. My office was near I. I. Chundrigar Road and the area was terribly crowded with vehicles, people and buildings. I am not used to these hustling bustling crowds. I did not even have friends. I am not used to being alone. While I was in the office, I felt like crying. My eyes did become teary a couple of times for absolutely nil reason. Can you believe that? I felt homesick. Stop rolling your eyes. *frowns* I said I am not that type. Even I did not know I was such a chiriya-hearted person. I have made a shocking discovery! I, A. H., am a wild, crazy, outspoken, whimsy, carefree, etc person only and only inside my comfort zone. My comfort zone refers to my home, my entire family, a few close friends. My world's pretty small, huh?  So, yes, the moment I step out of this zone POOF! You will not find a person graver than me. Chiragh le ker dhondne se bhi nahin milega! *smiles*

My first day was terrifyingly eventful. It was Monday. While me and BJ were on our way back home, we were stuck in an awful traffic jam and then we found out that riots had broken out because an MPA was shot. We got home so late ami jani and everybody were worried sick. But thanks God we did. Around 32 people were killed. I cannot narrate how tense I felt. For some idiotic reason all the streets lights also were switched off and the roads were spookily dark and empty. Sigh. Where is this country going? What happens to the innocent blood that has been shed? Where we do go from here? Floods, Storms, Lightning, Plane crashe, Target killings... What's next?

(Allah saa'in please forgive all of us for we have erred and erred again.)