When I die, I don't think a lot of people will miss me. I might as well do some a favour, of a kind.

But, all of them love you so!

Don't tell that to me. Yes, they love me. But once I die, they'll bury their love in my grave along with me and, walk away.

Because, I am so awful.

And then, it'll be me and the darkness- of the most dark kind.

Forgive me Allah saa'in. Please.

Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear!

I'm sick.

Trash, trash, trash and more trash.

I write trash.

This blog is pathetic- with a capital 'P'.

Gaudy and absolute nonsense.

It should be trashed. 

Ugh.

Edited: And, a sincere advice- No one should waste their time reading the rubbish that I write. I'm sure life has a lot of better things to offer you. Learn from people who no longer come by- they were wise. Very wise. You should act wisely too. 

Happy Ann...

Happy Annnnn...

Itni saari knives/slicer... I wonder if it was a cake or a bakra? *chuckles* 

I've had one of the most loveliest birthdays yesterday. It was great. Only yesterday was I musing how no one brings birthday cakes for me and I've to buy it for myself (or go with papa jani, when he's here). And, yesterday only K. api brought me  a cute sa, chhota sa cake. To top it off, that too a  pineapple cake. Well, I've been craving for a pineapple cake for quite a few days and have been too lazy to buy it for myself. So, coincidentally K. api bought it for my birthday. (Okay may be facebook isn't all that bad, lol). 

Too many bingos for one day, no. I guess it was the birthday magic (working in the right direction). *smiles*

I cut two cakes yesterday. One in the evening, because I was too hungry. And, the other one just 20 minutes before the clock struck mid-night. *smiles*

Life couldn't get any sweeter. (At least, that's what Hobnob says.)

♦

However, I cried last night. I cried like I've never before in months (or years, may be). I poured my heart out for the first time in twenty one years. I was reminded of every single shard of glass that has been stuck in my chest since ever - as far as I can go down my memory lane. And, every single shard hurt me as potently as day one. And, I cried. And, you cried with me. I cried till my eyes swelled up. Till my lungs went out of air and I gasped. I cried till I yexed.  Remembering everything, and not just remembering it but narrating everything was excruciating. Agonizing. But I cried. Because, I knew this might as well be the last time I'm crying over my wounds. Because, this might as well be the last time I felt those shards, felt the agony. Because, I knew my heart was bleeding for one last time as you yanked out the broken pieces of the glass from my chest- one by one- forever. It was painful. But, it was worth the pain. 

Catharsis.

This morning is a lot brighter. A lot clearer. A lot lighter.

Sweet November

I've had a wonderful Eid masha'Allah. Even the third day, which usually goes boring went really great. We barbecued at BJ's place last night. I smelled like a smoked charcoal by the end. But, I had a great time. *smiles* Missed papa jani and Bj a lot though.

Oh! And, last night Z. told me something that really lift me off the ground and into the air. I felt elated, in its most superlative form. *grins* Not that I didn't know this already but it feels great when certain kinds of facts are cited to you and that too, out of the blue (it rhymes). And, it was kind of abrupt and unanticipated too. *smiles*

Z. told me that I'm Bj's favourite. As I already said, it's something that I've known but it has never been mentioned to me in such manner. I know both, Bj and BJ (and even papa) love me like anything. Z. was right in saying that I'm so fortunate that everybody loves me (well, everybody except for me). Z. told me Bj, when he was here, always used to speak about me and the love with which he spoke of me, that's what coaxed Z. to blurt it out to me. (Blurting it out after so many years, God! Z. you have to be insane.)

I'm too awful to be loved but I guess these guys are just not sane enough to see that. Sighs.

But then, there's something about me, right. *shakes head and smiles*

Happy birthday, my love. Happy birthday.

I've had a lovely day masha'Allah. I miss papa. He always forgets our birthdays. Ami has to remind him to wish us. But he's too sweet. *gives a wide smile* Papa tells me, when I was born I was way too awake than the usual newly born babies. My eyes were wide open and they moved around the room like search lights. My eyes. Hm! My Lord has been generous with me. *grins*

Dear winter, come let's be friends. You haven't been all that bad this year. I think I can love you just the way I used to once. Be with me. And, be mine.

Shall I tell you how weary I am? But then, where shall I begin from, my love? And, where shall I end...?

Near, far, where ever you are...

To those who are with me. And, to those who aren't. To those whom my blood-pumping organ misses. And, to those who are around me.

To everyone.

Eid Mubarak!

God bless.

P.S. I miss my bakraas. 

Eik raat mein itna sab kuch bhi hosakta hai....

*shakes head and smiles faintly*

Broken, are we?

'Don't all of us carry a broken heart? Some are chipped while others are... severely fissured. Broken, nonetheless.'

I shall mend yours. One day, I shall. Until then, we'll have to wait. And wait, we shall.

The silent night, on whose thorax we laid. And, you whispered in my ears, with a gentle tone, the secrets of your past and present. And I heard, not just with my ears but through every single cell in my body.

Your voice grew heavier; burdened with the weight of your grief and your throat welled up. I listened. I listened as if this might as well be the last time I may hear a sound.

I tried to reach out to you but, all my opened arms met was... cold thin air. You were, but a faint voice that echoed in the silence of the night. You were, but a voice, my dear.

Marie, the biscuits.

"Subha Marie, shaam Marie, raat Marie, bas har waqt Marie Marie Marie! Tumhari body 60% water nahin, 60% Marie banchuki hogi ab tak. Kuch weeks ke baad khud be Marie ban jaogi! Colour tou Marie jaisa hai hee (...) Marie ka ticky pack (half-roll)!"

*grins*

I am bored...

Hmm, so? What's up these days?

I am liking this song very much. Mazey ka hai! *smiles*

And who decides...

...what's real?

The extent you can go to, for the sake of returning to a place called home... Only to discover, that it isn't real and that you... are lost.

P.S. I just watched 'Inception'.

Cold...

...Sighs.

You, my friend, are so overwhelming, has anyone ever mentioned that to you before?

I don't think so.

*smiles*

I was afraid...

... of not knowing. Of being in the... dark.

Darkness... has never frightened me as much as it did last night.

Thank you my Lord, for saving us. For not leaving us alone. I can never thank You enough, that is the only thing I know.

Papa jani, I miss you. Come soon.

Bj, don't you know we are alone? All alone. And, so are you, aren't you?

Dear November, do you always have to have something not-so-good up your sleeve?


P.S. Everything's fine now. Alhamdolillah. No worries.

Outpours..

'When someone pours their heart out to you... they honour you.'

I've yet to meet a person gentler than you, my friend.

And, I doubt the possibility.

Eik masiiha mujhko chho ker gaya...

Kaun tha... mein dhoo'ndta raha...

P.S. Finally, after quite sometime, I've come across an Indian film (A Flat) that has some really sweet soundtracks.

Who's going to tell me what I want?

Somebody?

Anybody?

Sighs. I'm confused. I don't know. I cannot decide if I want to continue what I am doing right now. I cannot even decide if I like my work. I thought I had till December to come up with a decision but I'm surmising, I don't. They are converting my internship contract into a three-year contract for my articles, earlier than expected. Err... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I cannot decide. Three-years.... it's too long. It's a big four firm but.... (to hell with the big four ranking). It's not about the firm's ranking. It's about what I want. And, I don't know what I want. Is this what I want? Being an auditor (or the likes)? How can I be so boring? So uncreative? 'Creativity' is an offense in this field. One has to live by the defined principles. You cannot digress. You cannot think on your own. Okay, I'm in Risk Advisory (it's a lot better than audit) but... uh. I never even wanted to work a job, in the first place. It's not even a part of my long-term goals. (Do I even have long-term goals?). I just want to complete my studies and then, unwind. Working..... I don't know. But... if this is not what I want then why the bloody hell am I so confused? Why don't I just decline? Why can I not decide? Oh Lord! Help me...... I feel like breaking down.

Precision is sweet...

'An-- ki jaga koi nahin le sakta.'

Period.

*triumphs*