Disbelief

The moments when your heart contracts with a momentary but excruciating twinge, yet somehow, your lips curve into a smile- thoughtlessly.

Perhaps your senses go a little berserk, and forget their instinctive response.

Or perhaps, it's mere... Disbelief.

What we call love, is a very stupid thing, y'know.

I loved you when you were little. Weak. Alone. I stood by you, when everyone else thought you were at fault. And well, they used to be right. But I just hated it when someone scolded you.

I was your shield.

Yes, I had to hear things for saving you even when you were wrong, even when you rightly deserved a good scolding. But it didn't matter. It didn't matter to me. Because I loved you. I fought for you. For all the wrong reasons, I know. You were never right. You were a brat. But it still didn't matter.

And now... *weary smile* You don't remember any of it, do you? Guess you were too young to notice.

It hurts a bit, but hey, I'm alright! *smiles*

Sighs.

And my axis skewed...

I've become a whiner, and please don't tell me how great a thing whining is, 'cause it's not.

Pa jani scolded me yesterday. A good scolding, it certainly was. He actually shouted at me. But, what amazed me was the fact that while he shouted at me not a single drop of tear rolled down my cheek. Neither did it quiver on my lashes. My eyes were dry. However, I wept later on.

I think I know why. It took a little while to penetrate. It took a little while to process things. It took a little whole to register. The immediate reaction was disbelief. And the pain registered only when my senses restored and clearly reckoned what had just happened.

He was really angry at me. And, it was my fault.

Apologizing is a horrific task, you must agree. It takes a lot of courage. Even if it's your own father in question. It's an ordeal in itself. The mere prospect that your apology may not be accepted makes your heart sink. You wonder if you should go through all the trouble of  screwing up your courage and trampling your ego only to face rejection.

He didn't answer me the first time I said 'sorry'. It shattered my heart into a trillion pieces. He just walked out on me. He returned in the afternoon and I had to apologize because it was killing me. He was dining, I went up to him again, said the same little pathetic word, and expected the same icy response. Something inside me was stabbing me. There was no reaction, yet again. My face went all red and my eyes found themselves unable to hold back any longer. My grip on the chair's back grew tighter. All I could manage to say was a meek 'sorry'. This time he heard.

He looked up and hugged me, resting his cheek on mine. And that was it for me. I broke into sobs.

I'm a very bad person.

Happy Ann...

Happy Annnnn...

Itni saari knives/slicer... I wonder if it was a cake or a bakra? *chuckles* 

I've had one of the most loveliest birthdays yesterday. It was great. Only yesterday was I musing how no one brings birthday cakes for me and I've to buy it for myself (or go with papa jani, when he's here). And, yesterday only K. api brought me  a cute sa, chhota sa cake. To top it off, that too a  pineapple cake. Well, I've been craving for a pineapple cake for quite a few days and have been too lazy to buy it for myself. So, coincidentally K. api bought it for my birthday. (Okay may be facebook isn't all that bad, lol). 

Too many bingos for one day, no. I guess it was the birthday magic (working in the right direction). *smiles*

I cut two cakes yesterday. One in the evening, because I was too hungry. And, the other one just 20 minutes before the clock struck mid-night. *smiles*

Life couldn't get any sweeter. (At least, that's what Hobnob says.)

♦

However, I cried last night. I cried like I've never before in months (or years, may be). I poured my heart out for the first time in twenty one years. I was reminded of every single shard of glass that has been stuck in my chest since ever - as far as I can go down my memory lane. And, every single shard hurt me as potently as day one. And, I cried. And, you cried with me. I cried till my eyes swelled up. Till my lungs went out of air and I gasped. I cried till I yexed.  Remembering everything, and not just remembering it but narrating everything was excruciating. Agonizing. But I cried. Because, I knew this might as well be the last time I'm crying over my wounds. Because, this might as well be the last time I felt those shards, felt the agony. Because, I knew my heart was bleeding for one last time as you yanked out the broken pieces of the glass from my chest- one by one- forever. It was painful. But, it was worth the pain. 

Catharsis.

This morning is a lot brighter. A lot clearer. A lot lighter.

Not-so-dear Migraine

Dear Migraine,

I can't thank you enough for ruining my entire day today. I realise you love me so very much and hence, you feel obliged to pay me a visit from time to time. I cannot explain to thee how I highly appreciated your prolonged absence was but, you don't seem to appreciate my appreciation, now do you?

I want to sing a song for you, for all the trouble you went through to reach me. *sings* Ohh! I just died in your arms tonight today.... It must've been something you said...

Let me thank you for making me feel that death was an easier option. Let me also tell you, how I despise the pathetic auras that you send me as harbingers of your arrival. Thank you for forcing tears out of my eyes while I was at work. I am sure you have absolutely no idea how embarrassed I felt trying to hide my tears. 

I can still feel you lurking around. I wish you would leave now and for good. I hate you very much and never wish to see you again. However, I know you are one hell of a stalker, aren't you? 

Hmph.

Sick of you,

Ann.

My love, my dearest

When will you learn? When will you ever learn? When will you ever learn my precious, when to stop fighting?

Look around. What do you see? Save, corpses of your brutally murdered army- innumerable pieces of shattered faith, hopes and dreams? In this blood smeared battle field, you stand alone. All alone.

Look at yourself. What do you see? A bruised body and a bruised soul. The blood dripping from your wounds. Do you not see it? You cannot fight a battle with empty hands. The pain is ripping your soul apart but your body is numbed. It denies every blow that it has received. Denies every strike it has suffered. Denies to let go.

Look at you. How pathetic you look. How appalling. Your knees can no longer bear your burden. You arms have lost there strength. There is void in your chest where your heart once used to be. Your eyes are smeared with blood. How sick you look, my beloved, how grotesque.

Let go, my love. Let go off yourself. Seeing you, it drowns my heart in the floods of agony and misery. For the sake of my love, my love, let go. I cannot take this any longer. It hurts. It rips my heart into tiny shreds. Do not bring this unto thyself, for my sake. Fall to the ground. Surrender.

This is the end.

And this is how it ends... When you fight against... Thyself, my love, my dearest.