Life is a bloody set of choices made. Irrespective of who makes the choice for you - you'll always end up losing one thing, in return for another.
But then this is life we're talking about after all; and that's how it's been since the beginning of time. So, what's there to it then?
Nothing. There's nothing to it; save the fact that there are people who quite very often end up having higher opportunity costs...
You're reading a post written by one.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Ephemeral pleasures, or are they?
"You've spoiled me; for anywhere else, anybody else. Do you know that?"
"What do I do now?"
"What do I do when all this ceases to be?"
"You never know, it might as well not."
"I know! And I've come to terms with it."
Remember when I asked you about that particular species of tropical plant, which I loved so dear to have it planted in my garden; but I could not because it could not thrive in this climate, in this environment.
I told you, it would die here; and then I asked you, if I should still plant it in my garden.
Remember what you said? You told me everything dies- a mother does not refuse to bear her child because one day he shall die. She simply does not do that. She, despite knowing that her child is not eternal, everlasting, and is but mortal, bears him, goes through all that agony to bring him to this world.
I told you I did not want that dear plant to die, just because of a whim of mine.
You told me, it wasn't sensible to choose to not do certain things in our lives out of mere fear of grim outcomes.
You told me, irrespective of how things might turn out, we do certain things only because they mean so much to us, and in return what we get are some very precious moments, memories.
So... I... rooted the plant.
I have come to terms with it.
I do not know, certainly, what I'd do when all this ceases to be, but... all I know, and all that matters right now, is that I'm collecting moments, memories; precious memories that would last for an eternity.
I'm not going to let even a single minute to go to waste.
There's so little time, so many memories to collect.
Better get back to work, shall we?
"What do I do now?"
"What do I do when all this ceases to be?"
"You never know, it might as well not."
"I know! And I've come to terms with it."
Remember when I asked you about that particular species of tropical plant, which I loved so dear to have it planted in my garden; but I could not because it could not thrive in this climate, in this environment.
I told you, it would die here; and then I asked you, if I should still plant it in my garden.
Remember what you said? You told me everything dies- a mother does not refuse to bear her child because one day he shall die. She simply does not do that. She, despite knowing that her child is not eternal, everlasting, and is but mortal, bears him, goes through all that agony to bring him to this world.
I told you I did not want that dear plant to die, just because of a whim of mine.
You told me, it wasn't sensible to choose to not do certain things in our lives out of mere fear of grim outcomes.
You told me, irrespective of how things might turn out, we do certain things only because they mean so much to us, and in return what we get are some very precious moments, memories.
So... I... rooted the plant.
I have come to terms with it.
I do not know, certainly, what I'd do when all this ceases to be, but... all I know, and all that matters right now, is that I'm collecting moments, memories; precious memories that would last for an eternity.
I'm not going to let even a single minute to go to waste.
There's so little time, so many memories to collect.
Better get back to work, shall we?
Monday, April 4, 2011
Just so that I'm clear on this...
When I said, at times no one will be around you when you need them the most. It was never implied that they won't be there because they aren't good enough. Or aren't sincere enough, so to speak. What I meant was, they won't be there because they cannot. (Some of them) would've if they could've. But they cannot.
And then may be, this was how it was to turn out. May be, your dear little fate wanted to see you face your troubles all by yourself. For better, or for worse.
*nuisance- interruptions* I'm NOT suicidal. I might just be homicidal, though. Hmph.
And then may be, this was how it was to turn out. May be, your dear little fate wanted to see you face your troubles all by yourself. For better, or for worse.
*nuisance- interruptions* I'm NOT suicidal. I might just be homicidal, though. Hmph.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Two beautiful paths that diverge- one is mine. The other, isn't.
I'm walking down a path that is ever so wonderful. With dainty flowers lined up by the sides. It's all so pleasant, so pretty.
However, there's a twist. And what would life be without its infamous twists and turns? So yes, there's a twist- A turn, actually. A wrong one.
I took a wrong turn. This lovely pathway that I'm treading upon, I'm not supposed to be here. No, sir.
The path, where I should be is beautiful too. Very, indeed. It's almost as lovely as this one. But...
But, this one has my favourite flowers.
*shrugs with a helpless smile*
I shall have to walk back, and I will. But won't it be sad journey, my friend?
I see you looking away, dear friend. Don't. You need not. Look me in my eyes, and tell me that all of this, doesn't matter. Tell me that with my gold fish memory (or worse), I won't be able to remember these sights for very long . It's just a matter of time. Tell me, I'm being silly. You know I won't mind. Because, that's true.
And, don't worry. I'm not sad. There's not even a single good reason to be sad about. You don't have to feel bad about me. Because, there's no good reason for that too.
However, there's a twist. And what would life be without its infamous twists and turns? So yes, there's a twist- A turn, actually. A wrong one.
I took a wrong turn. This lovely pathway that I'm treading upon, I'm not supposed to be here. No, sir.
The path, where I should be is beautiful too. Very, indeed. It's almost as lovely as this one. But...
But, this one has my favourite flowers.
*shrugs with a helpless smile*
I shall have to walk back, and I will. But won't it be sad journey, my friend?
I see you looking away, dear friend. Don't. You need not. Look me in my eyes, and tell me that all of this, doesn't matter. Tell me that with my gold fish memory (or worse), I won't be able to remember these sights for very long . It's just a matter of time. Tell me, I'm being silly. You know I won't mind. Because, that's true.
And, don't worry. I'm not sad. There's not even a single good reason to be sad about. You don't have to feel bad about me. Because, there's no good reason for that too.
Lessons Learnt # 001
'Somethings in life happen so late, they leave you rueful. And you wish futilely, had they never happened at all.'
Friday, March 11, 2011
Un-amusing musings
I hate how SMAAK sends me crazily hilarious sort of text messages but never replies to my replies. Grrr....
So anyways, I'm here to report a slight modification. Okay 'slight' is an under-under-under-statement.
I don't love the people I once used to, anymore. I mean not with the same fervor.
I like different people now. There's a whole lot of other people now who make me smile or laugh (in a very embarrassing way).
The old ones, I never thought I would stop loving them. I don't even think I have stopped. But, I'm afraid. What if this is a beginning- of an end?
My life works on the 'ceteris paribus' clause. All other things have to remain the same. They cannot change.
I've actually been running away from the old ones. I now see how unfair and incorrect they've been and somehow I don't find myself able to tolerate that anymore.
The blindfold- unfolds.
P.S. I wonder where anonymous is, these days?
So anyways, I'm here to report a slight modification. Okay 'slight' is an under-under-under-statement.
I don't love the people I once used to, anymore. I mean not with the same fervor.
I like different people now. There's a whole lot of other people now who make me smile or laugh (in a very embarrassing way).
The old ones, I never thought I would stop loving them. I don't even think I have stopped. But, I'm afraid. What if this is a beginning- of an end?
My life works on the 'ceteris paribus' clause. All other things have to remain the same. They cannot change.
I've actually been running away from the old ones. I now see how unfair and incorrect they've been and somehow I don't find myself able to tolerate that anymore.
The blindfold- unfolds.
P.S. I wonder where anonymous is, these days?
Friday, February 25, 2011
Oh wait. I'm not Alice, I'm the White Rabbit. Ugh.
I'm in for a new post. Are you?
Dude, work's been a mess. And I've been a bigger mess. Needless to say.
And the life goes on...
New recruitments. Nice people. Some of them are pretty fun actually. Except for one, whom I hate from the bottom of my heart. Oh wait, hate was around 5 on the scale of 10; I abhor him. Abhor was 9. SMAAK and I came up with a hate-o-meter today. SMAAK is one of the new additions. Awesome person. My jaws hurt pretty bad at the end of each day. 'Tum apni life mein itna kabhi nahin hansi hogi...', Shay-bro presumed accurately.
Zak, another nice guy. Actually had a crush on him for a first few days, but it soon washed away. He was engaged, anyways. Hehe. Then there's Ms. Alvi, who happens to be our own dumb-blonde type. Mr. Gandhi and P2, both nice and quiet persons.
Anyways, enough about them now.
As for me, I've been all over the place. Facing serious anger management issues. Throwing temper-tantrums on any and every body who is found near me within a 4 feet radius. God help them. SMAAK unfortunately faces the worst of me, his bad luck we're in the same team. We hate each other (or so we say).
Other than that, I haven't only mastered 'the look' but it has apparently become a permanent facial feature I suppose. *bummer* I keep giving everybody a very "sarra-howa" look (as put by Zak) that supposedly scares them away. SMAAK calls it the "thakura'yn look". Yes, he is mad in every possible way. Shay-bro suspects I love his company. Which is true, I'm afraid. Shay-bro also pointed out that I have started talking (and laughing) more than I used too.
Either my face has started giving everything away, or everybody around me (especially at work) has become a terrific face reader. They somehow score a bull's eye at guessing my mood. If my face is red like a tamatar then without doubt I'm either upset or angry. I also go tamatar when I laugh but laughing is pretty obvious, so no points for guessing. That's how F bhai puts it, at least.
So, someone hid my phone today. And oh my God, was I mad? I was madder than the mad-hatter gone evil. I was so pissed off. Al Amaan Al Hafeez. I couldn't find my phone so I just sat down with a face redder than the reddest tamatar. While, SMAAK apparently went on a search operation. I overreacted a bit, but it wasn't entirely my fault yar. I was already in a rotten mood because of what the idiot Pattoki said about me and SMAAK to Shay-bro. All my chirp went down the drain. I mean who the hell is that idiot to say how we should or should not behave. Us laughing is unprofessional, and him cracking tawdry jokes is very professional. What the hell? SMAAK doesn't know about this yet.
So, when my mood went from awesome to awful after the jerk Pattoki said what he said. SMAAK comes and says to me, "I loathe you, oh wait no. What was that word that you used, the one that was on 9. Yes, abhor. I abhor you so much that I wish to kill you and you abhor me equally but right now I'm seriously concerned about you. What's wrong? You were all perked-up a little while ago and now you look so depressed."
I laughed. Yes, I did. Even amongst all the angst and anger.
Oh yes, the phone story was unfinished. So, anyways after everybody realised how pissed off I was someone put my phone back inside my bag's front pocket while I went out (to regain my composure because all that rage was tearing my eyes up). I'm afraid come of them even caught me all teary eyed and I was kind of embarrassed. Well, eventually I realised I behaved pretty rudely with Zak and SMAAK so I apologized. Zak said there was no need while SMAAK. Uff. He put on his joker cap once again.
Khair, to sum it all. I need to control my rage. I need to laugh less. A smile would suffice, instead. I need to talk less. I need to be the way I used to be. Reserved and uninterested. This person that I am becoming- the funny, sarcastic, interesting, outspoken, wonderful person; it is only allowed to exist within the window of my blog. It cannot come to life. It should not. I cannot allow myself that much liberty. I need to be careful. Why? I have no idea.
So, how have you been? *grins*
Dude, work's been a mess. And I've been a bigger mess. Needless to say.
And the life goes on...
New recruitments. Nice people. Some of them are pretty fun actually. Except for one, whom I hate from the bottom of my heart. Oh wait, hate was around 5 on the scale of 10; I abhor him. Abhor was 9. SMAAK and I came up with a hate-o-meter today. SMAAK is one of the new additions. Awesome person. My jaws hurt pretty bad at the end of each day. 'Tum apni life mein itna kabhi nahin hansi hogi...', Shay-bro presumed accurately.
Zak, another nice guy. Actually had a crush on him for a first few days, but it soon washed away. He was engaged, anyways. Hehe. Then there's Ms. Alvi, who happens to be our own dumb-blonde type. Mr. Gandhi and P2, both nice and quiet persons.
Anyways, enough about them now.
As for me, I've been all over the place. Facing serious anger management issues. Throwing temper-tantrums on any and every body who is found near me within a 4 feet radius. God help them. SMAAK unfortunately faces the worst of me, his bad luck we're in the same team. We hate each other (or so we say).
Other than that, I haven't only mastered 'the look' but it has apparently become a permanent facial feature I suppose. *bummer* I keep giving everybody a very "sarra-howa" look (as put by Zak) that supposedly scares them away. SMAAK calls it the "thakura'yn look". Yes, he is mad in every possible way. Shay-bro suspects I love his company. Which is true, I'm afraid. Shay-bro also pointed out that I have started talking (and laughing) more than I used too.
Either my face has started giving everything away, or everybody around me (especially at work) has become a terrific face reader. They somehow score a bull's eye at guessing my mood. If my face is red like a tamatar then without doubt I'm either upset or angry. I also go tamatar when I laugh but laughing is pretty obvious, so no points for guessing. That's how F bhai puts it, at least.
So, someone hid my phone today. And oh my God, was I mad? I was madder than the mad-hatter gone evil. I was so pissed off. Al Amaan Al Hafeez. I couldn't find my phone so I just sat down with a face redder than the reddest tamatar. While, SMAAK apparently went on a search operation. I overreacted a bit, but it wasn't entirely my fault yar. I was already in a rotten mood because of what the idiot Pattoki said about me and SMAAK to Shay-bro. All my chirp went down the drain. I mean who the hell is that idiot to say how we should or should not behave. Us laughing is unprofessional, and him cracking tawdry jokes is very professional. What the hell? SMAAK doesn't know about this yet.
So, when my mood went from awesome to awful after the jerk Pattoki said what he said. SMAAK comes and says to me, "I loathe you, oh wait no. What was that word that you used, the one that was on 9. Yes, abhor. I abhor you so much that I wish to kill you and you abhor me equally but right now I'm seriously concerned about you. What's wrong? You were all perked-up a little while ago and now you look so depressed."
I laughed. Yes, I did. Even amongst all the angst and anger.
Oh yes, the phone story was unfinished. So, anyways after everybody realised how pissed off I was someone put my phone back inside my bag's front pocket while I went out (to regain my composure because all that rage was tearing my eyes up). I'm afraid come of them even caught me all teary eyed and I was kind of embarrassed. Well, eventually I realised I behaved pretty rudely with Zak and SMAAK so I apologized. Zak said there was no need while SMAAK. Uff. He put on his joker cap once again.
Khair, to sum it all. I need to control my rage. I need to laugh less. A smile would suffice, instead. I need to talk less. I need to be the way I used to be. Reserved and uninterested. This person that I am becoming- the funny, sarcastic, interesting, outspoken, wonderful person; it is only allowed to exist within the window of my blog. It cannot come to life. It should not. I cannot allow myself that much liberty. I need to be careful. Why? I have no idea.
So, how have you been? *grins*
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
It's about the last post
I even had an eleventh point....(and a twelfth, and thirteenth, and oh shut up!). We were talking about the eleventh point. I wanted to add how I never really get a lot of gifts. *frowns* I only get them on my birthdays usually.
So, guess what happened today! Yes, sir. I received a beautiful gift- a perfume. It's Essence de Femme. And, it's oh-so-lovely!
You know, it's never about the gift, I mean not in terms of the object that's being presented to you. What matters is the love and the warmth with which you're being given something. Haina?
I have so many silly/amusing-office-updates to share. Will do them soon, hopefully.
Sighs.
*smiles*
So, guess what happened today! Yes, sir. I received a beautiful gift- a perfume. It's Essence de Femme. And, it's oh-so-lovely!
You know, it's never about the gift, I mean not in terms of the object that's being presented to you. What matters is the love and the warmth with which you're being given something. Haina?
I have so many silly/amusing-office-updates to share. Will do them soon, hopefully.
Sighs.
*smiles*
Sunday, January 23, 2011
♥
Cyber world is creepy.
Z could have been a hacker, and that too a successful one.
I was having an issue while running a file, so I bugged Z to resolve that. Z asked me to connect my phone to the computer. I did. Z established a connection with my system through my phone's GPRS using an SSL. Din Diharay intrusion, woh bhi with my permission. *worried* Well, it wasn't din diharay, to be precise.
Anyways, so Z actually used my system right in front of my eyes. I could see my mouse cursor moving, and windows popping in and out. It was kind of creepy, really.
Once Z was done, I shrieked, "Get out of my computer. Now!" To which, Z couldn't help, but laugh.
Any-the-how, I have got so many games stacked up. I'v got:
i) NFS Hot Pursuit- Reloaded -- They launched a sequel to Hot Pursuit. Yay!! And what's the best part? The cops have cars faster than yours. Haha. And what the best-est? You can choose sides. Double Yay!! You can either be a cop or a racer. I'll be a racer, zahir hai!
ii) Call of Duty 4 - Yes, yes. I know it's old. I haven't played yet. So, it's new for me. You may shut up now. *grins*
iii) Black Ops - This is last year's too.
iv) AOE III - Okay. I know this is way old. But, there's a long story associated with the reason why haven't I completed it yet. So, anyways I'll complete it this time, Insha'Allah.
So, you see. I've been totally out of the gaming scene. Way out. I've lots of catching up to do. Haye!! When will I get to play? *sad face* ACCA has ruined me. It has. It has. I hate it. And, to top it off, I'm working. Sighs. Once I'm done with ACCA, I'll do a degree in journalism/ mass comm. or textile designing may be. Or... something really weird. Or, I'll just get married. Haha.
OYE!!!!!!!
I'm going to be a phupho again!!! Like after around 15 years. Whoa. Although, I've had a good lot of nieces and nephews in the past decade, but they are my cousins' kids. However, this time it's my pagal brother (the second one). Triple Yay!!! I'm so happy. Masha'Allah. Masha'Allah.
But then, he's so far away. *sad face* *slaps herself* Don't be sad, you idiot.
Let's think of names! If it's a boy, we can name him Zain-ul-Abideen, or *snaps fingers* Kazim, or I don't know.... waysay, I loveeee the name Abbas, but we already have an Abbas in our family.
If it's a girl, we can name her Fizza? Err... I can't think of many girl names... However, there's this one name that's jumping up and down inside my head. However, nope. Not that. Because, I've saved that name for my daughter. *curls toes* (If ammi finds this out, I'm so roasted.)
I don't know. Will you help? Waysay I'm being too impatient, because there's plenty of time to come up with good names for my niece/nephew. May everything go perfectly fine, Ameen.
What's wrong with Federer, man!? *shakes head* I think his reign might just be getting over. Anyways, I like Rafa too. So, I'm happy as long as one of them keeps winning the day.
This was too long. Phew. I talk too much. Don't I? Z says I talk non-stop (whenever I do, that is). I gotta go. I need to drink water. My throat feels all parched up. *makes a weird face*
*grins*
P.S. I've been feeling like a kid, lately. And, my posts reflect that. Hmm. No clue, what's up.
P.P.S. Furree Katt, I read all your comments, and it was actually fun because I got to read my old posts. Rest assured, I will reply to your comments *winks* as I have a thing for commenting. *grins* Thank you so very much.
Z could have been a hacker, and that too a successful one.
I was having an issue while running a file, so I bugged Z to resolve that. Z asked me to connect my phone to the computer. I did. Z established a connection with my system through my phone's GPRS using an SSL. Din Diharay intrusion, woh bhi with my permission. *worried* Well, it wasn't din diharay, to be precise.
Anyways, so Z actually used my system right in front of my eyes. I could see my mouse cursor moving, and windows popping in and out. It was kind of creepy, really.
Once Z was done, I shrieked, "Get out of my computer. Now!" To which, Z couldn't help, but laugh.
Any-the-how, I have got so many games stacked up. I'v got:
i) NFS Hot Pursuit- Reloaded -- They launched a sequel to Hot Pursuit. Yay!! And what's the best part? The cops have cars faster than yours. Haha. And what the best-est? You can choose sides. Double Yay!! You can either be a cop or a racer. I'll be a racer, zahir hai!
ii) Call of Duty 4 - Yes, yes. I know it's old. I haven't played yet. So, it's new for me. You may shut up now. *grins*
iii) Black Ops - This is last year's too.
iv) AOE III - Okay. I know this is way old. But, there's a long story associated with the reason why haven't I completed it yet. So, anyways I'll complete it this time, Insha'Allah.
So, you see. I've been totally out of the gaming scene. Way out. I've lots of catching up to do. Haye!! When will I get to play? *sad face* ACCA has ruined me. It has. It has. I hate it. And, to top it off, I'm working. Sighs. Once I'm done with ACCA, I'll do a degree in journalism/ mass comm. or textile designing may be. Or... something really weird. Or, I'll just get married. Haha.
OYE!!!!!!!
I'm going to be a phupho again!!! Like after around 15 years. Whoa. Although, I've had a good lot of nieces and nephews in the past decade, but they are my cousins' kids. However, this time it's my pagal brother (the second one). Triple Yay!!! I'm so happy. Masha'Allah. Masha'Allah.
But then, he's so far away. *sad face* *slaps herself* Don't be sad, you idiot.
Let's think of names! If it's a boy, we can name him Zain-ul-Abideen, or *snaps fingers* Kazim, or I don't know.... waysay, I loveeee the name Abbas, but we already have an Abbas in our family.
If it's a girl, we can name her Fizza? Err... I can't think of many girl names... However, there's this one name that's jumping up and down inside my head. However, nope. Not that. Because, I've saved that name for my daughter. *curls toes* (If ammi finds this out, I'm so roasted.)
I don't know. Will you help? Waysay I'm being too impatient, because there's plenty of time to come up with good names for my niece/nephew. May everything go perfectly fine, Ameen.
What's wrong with Federer, man!? *shakes head* I think his reign might just be getting over. Anyways, I like Rafa too. So, I'm happy as long as one of them keeps winning the day.
This was too long. Phew. I talk too much. Don't I? Z says I talk non-stop (whenever I do, that is). I gotta go. I need to drink water. My throat feels all parched up. *makes a weird face*
*grins*
P.S. I've been feeling like a kid, lately. And, my posts reflect that. Hmm. No clue, what's up.
P.P.S. Furree Katt, I read all your comments, and it was actually fun because I got to read my old posts. Rest assured, I will reply to your comments *winks* as I have a thing for commenting. *grins* Thank you so very much.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I love my cousins.
Random title, I know.
Whenever I see numbers, in places where words should have been, I take them to be a ciphered text. Therefore, I tend to waste a lot of time deciphering them. And, usually fail. I'm terrible at deciphering codes. *smiles sheepishly*
I'm happy. My world's happy. Masha'Allah. I've awesome parents. Awesome brothers/sisters (Ok, my sisters are a little less than awesome, may be. Haha.) I wish they don't read this, otherwise I'll be more dead than I'm already. Younger sisters, sighs. Well, the feeling is mutual. They sigh at me too. *winks* Okay- Back to the awesome-ness list now. Awesome cousins. Awesome khandaan (well, except for a few dehshat-gard anasir). Hehe. If ammi jani reads/ hears (about) this, I'll be in trouble.
Well, once I was speaking to Shayan, a fellow trainee, about my cousins. And, guess what he said? He asked me if I was close to my cousins. I said yes, of course. He said he wasn't. He told me he met his cousins occasionally. On Eids and baraats, may be. I was like, 'whoa, really?' He said, he missed the fact that he didn't have such close ties with his family. I found it sad. But then, I know A LOT of people who never talk about their cousins and all (because, they don't interact much). M. nevers talks about her cousins, neither does Sh, not even Arw. Just me and Fofo, we are the ones gabbing about how fun our cousins are, et cetera, et cetera.
So, you see. My life's good. Masha'Allah.
I just whine, for the sake of it. Because, it kind of feels nice, you see. And then, everything isn't happy-happy always, right. There are downturns. Sad moments. Irritable moments. Angry moments! But, on the whole, everything's great. Alhumdolillah.
It's just that I'm a cynic. I'm sarcastic. Oooh. Way sarcastic, to be true! I can kill you with sarcasm. Beware, mine is not a comic version of sarcasm. It's bitter and very rude. However, cheer up- I won't kill you. Because, I'm not sarcastic all the time.
I can even make you laugh your lungs out but that happens very rarely. And, with a very few people only.
Ever heard about 'the look'? I can give you 'the look', that will make you believe it's all your fault. That you're so horrible. So awful. You may not admit, but you'll feel so damn bad. *smiles*
And when I'm up to something mischievous, Z says I get that roguish twinkle in my eyes that will tell you I'm up to something. My eyes let everything out, which isn't a good thing really. *frowns*
I can even make you cry.
By the way, it all sounds as if I do all this knowingly. However, that's not how it is. All these things were told to me by others. So, I didn't really know I could do so many things. *grins*
Anyways, enough with randomness. I'll end this post. And, write another one, may be. I'm in a mood for blogging (read: babbling/ranting/whining). Right now, I will have an orange, actually two, and go sit with papa for a while.
Ok, see you!
Whenever I see numbers, in places where words should have been, I take them to be a ciphered text. Therefore, I tend to waste a lot of time deciphering them. And, usually fail. I'm terrible at deciphering codes. *smiles sheepishly*
I'm happy. My world's happy. Masha'Allah. I've awesome parents. Awesome brothers/sisters (Ok, my sisters are a little less than awesome, may be. Haha.) I wish they don't read this, otherwise I'll be more dead than I'm already. Younger sisters, sighs. Well, the feeling is mutual. They sigh at me too. *winks* Okay- Back to the awesome-ness list now. Awesome cousins. Awesome khandaan (well, except for a few dehshat-gard anasir). Hehe. If ammi jani reads/ hears (about) this, I'll be in trouble.
Well, once I was speaking to Shayan, a fellow trainee, about my cousins. And, guess what he said? He asked me if I was close to my cousins. I said yes, of course. He said he wasn't. He told me he met his cousins occasionally. On Eids and baraats, may be. I was like, 'whoa, really?' He said, he missed the fact that he didn't have such close ties with his family. I found it sad. But then, I know A LOT of people who never talk about their cousins and all (because, they don't interact much). M. nevers talks about her cousins, neither does Sh, not even Arw. Just me and Fofo, we are the ones gabbing about how fun our cousins are, et cetera, et cetera.
So, you see. My life's good. Masha'Allah.
I just whine, for the sake of it. Because, it kind of feels nice, you see. And then, everything isn't happy-happy always, right. There are downturns. Sad moments. Irritable moments. Angry moments! But, on the whole, everything's great. Alhumdolillah.
It's just that I'm a cynic. I'm sarcastic. Oooh. Way sarcastic, to be true! I can kill you with sarcasm. Beware, mine is not a comic version of sarcasm. It's bitter and very rude. However, cheer up- I won't kill you. Because, I'm not sarcastic all the time.
I can even make you laugh your lungs out but that happens very rarely. And, with a very few people only.
Ever heard about 'the look'? I can give you 'the look', that will make you believe it's all your fault. That you're so horrible. So awful. You may not admit, but you'll feel so damn bad. *smiles*
And when I'm up to something mischievous, Z says I get that roguish twinkle in my eyes that will tell you I'm up to something. My eyes let everything out, which isn't a good thing really. *frowns*
I can even make you cry.
By the way, it all sounds as if I do all this knowingly. However, that's not how it is. All these things were told to me by others. So, I didn't really know I could do so many things. *grins*
Anyways, enough with randomness. I'll end this post. And, write another one, may be. I'm in a mood for blogging (read: babbling/ranting/whining). Right now, I will have an orange, actually two, and go sit with papa for a while.
Ok, see you!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Of fools and love...
They say I'm a fool because I'm a lover, and that too an unconditional one. I love people regardless of any and everything. Is that foolishness, you tell me?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Aabla pa ko'ii iss dasht mein aaya hoga...
"I have found the shore. It's not as if I didn't like swimming (read: spinning) in the whirlpool much. But, I needed a moment- to breathe."
The caravan has found an oasis. The weary traveler can rest his soul now. He can lie down near the banks of the glistening pond and let his parched soul soak in the moisture. Let the shade of the marvelous palms soothe his burns. So he can tend to his blistered feet. He has to revive his weary self- For he has another long journey to continue...
The caravan has found an oasis. The weary traveler can rest his soul now. He can lie down near the banks of the glistening pond and let his parched soul soak in the moisture. Let the shade of the marvelous palms soothe his burns. So he can tend to his blistered feet. He has to revive his weary self- For he has another long journey to continue...
Sunday, August 15, 2010
And again.....
It's happening again. Damn it. It's happening all over again! But I tried so hard this time... Huh.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
You are such a cry baby!
A single day at work was adequate for me to realise that I cannot take this. I just don't have it in me. Nope! I don't!
I cannot work! I was looking for an internship and applying here and then there and then everywhere. Haye! The market is so saturated, just getting an internship has become a tough nut. How would it be like to find a job- Don't even want to think about it. Uh. Tsk. Tsk. Let me tell you something- I just realised that the entire country is being run on a "source". God! You need a source for everything. What the hell happened to the "chiriya" named merit? Anyways, so I got into an audit firm. Sigh. Don't even ask how the experience was. I walked in to the office in the morning and left in the evening deciding in my heart never to return here again. Audit Firms are SO boring! B-o-r-i-n-g! The people who work their are not people. A day's trip to a firm scraped off my hardened bruises and made me repeat the same old sentences for a zillionth time. "Mein yeh sab kion kar rahi hon. Why am I studying this. It is not meant for me. Kis manhos ghari mein I chose this field. Et cetera." What makes me sad is the fact that this is going to be a life long regret. And you know, what makes it even sorer? What augments the soreness is the fact that even though I hate what I am doing but I have to pretend otherwise in front of others (except for a handful of people). This one time only, I am finding it very hard to accept that I have messed up- messed up the most important decision of my life. Ch!
Anyways, I have also realised that I am not tough enough. I am not job material. I cannot work, as I have already mentioned. I cannot. My office was near I. I. Chundrigar Road and the area was terribly crowded with vehicles, people and buildings. I am not used to these hustling bustling crowds. I did not even have friends. I am not used to being alone. While I was in the office, I felt like crying. My eyes did become teary a couple of times for absolutely nil reason. Can you believe that? I felt homesick. Stop rolling your eyes. *frowns* I said I am not that type. Even I did not know I was such a chiriya-hearted person. I have made a shocking discovery! I, A. H., am a wild, crazy, outspoken, whimsy, carefree, etc person only and only inside my comfort zone. My comfort zone refers to my home, my entire family, a few close friends. My world's pretty small, huh? So, yes, the moment I step out of this zone POOF! You will not find a person graver than me. Chiragh le ker dhondne se bhi nahin milega! *smiles*
My first day was terrifyingly eventful. It was Monday. While me and BJ were on our way back home, we were stuck in an awful traffic jam and then we found out that riots had broken out because an MPA was shot. We got home so late ami jani and everybody were worried sick. But thanks God we did. Around 32 people were killed. I cannot narrate how tense I felt. For some idiotic reason all the streets lights also were switched off and the roads were spookily dark and empty. Sigh. Where is this country going? What happens to the innocent blood that has been shed? Where we do go from here? Floods, Storms, Lightning, Plane crashe, Target killings... What's next?
(Allah saa'in please forgive all of us for we have erred and erred again.)
I cannot work! I was looking for an internship and applying here and then there and then everywhere. Haye! The market is so saturated, just getting an internship has become a tough nut. How would it be like to find a job- Don't even want to think about it. Uh. Tsk. Tsk. Let me tell you something- I just realised that the entire country is being run on a "source". God! You need a source for everything. What the hell happened to the "chiriya" named merit? Anyways, so I got into an audit firm. Sigh. Don't even ask how the experience was. I walked in to the office in the morning and left in the evening deciding in my heart never to return here again. Audit Firms are SO boring! B-o-r-i-n-g! The people who work their are not people. A day's trip to a firm scraped off my hardened bruises and made me repeat the same old sentences for a zillionth time. "Mein yeh sab kion kar rahi hon. Why am I studying this. It is not meant for me. Kis manhos ghari mein I chose this field. Et cetera." What makes me sad is the fact that this is going to be a life long regret. And you know, what makes it even sorer? What augments the soreness is the fact that even though I hate what I am doing but I have to pretend otherwise in front of others (except for a handful of people). This one time only, I am finding it very hard to accept that I have messed up- messed up the most important decision of my life. Ch!
Anyways, I have also realised that I am not tough enough. I am not job material. I cannot work, as I have already mentioned. I cannot. My office was near I. I. Chundrigar Road and the area was terribly crowded with vehicles, people and buildings. I am not used to these hustling bustling crowds. I did not even have friends. I am not used to being alone. While I was in the office, I felt like crying. My eyes did become teary a couple of times for absolutely nil reason. Can you believe that? I felt homesick. Stop rolling your eyes. *frowns* I said I am not that type. Even I did not know I was such a chiriya-hearted person. I have made a shocking discovery! I, A. H., am a wild, crazy, outspoken, whimsy, carefree, etc person only and only inside my comfort zone. My comfort zone refers to my home, my entire family, a few close friends. My world's pretty small, huh? So, yes, the moment I step out of this zone POOF! You will not find a person graver than me. Chiragh le ker dhondne se bhi nahin milega! *smiles*
My first day was terrifyingly eventful. It was Monday. While me and BJ were on our way back home, we were stuck in an awful traffic jam and then we found out that riots had broken out because an MPA was shot. We got home so late ami jani and everybody were worried sick. But thanks God we did. Around 32 people were killed. I cannot narrate how tense I felt. For some idiotic reason all the streets lights also were switched off and the roads were spookily dark and empty. Sigh. Where is this country going? What happens to the innocent blood that has been shed? Where we do go from here? Floods, Storms, Lightning, Plane crashe, Target killings... What's next?
(Allah saa'in please forgive all of us for we have erred and erred again.)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Once upon a time..
"I loved rain too, once upon a time. I am not very sure anymore... "
It rained. But it did not matter to me. This time it was just drops of water falling off the sky. A mere weather phenomenon.
My life was never multi-coloured. It has been in monochrome for a long time now except for some stray splashes of colours that spill over from different people and their lives. However, it does not bother me except but when I think of you. You have painted your life with brightest colours so much so that when I look at you my eyes hurt, they sting. Whereas, when I look back at myself, whatever I see is almost always in grayscale.
Sighs.
I am getting tired of my fake pledges. Every other week I repeat to myself, "It should not matter to me... I should stop doing this or that... blah blah and more such blah". Nevertheless, every other week I witness a repeat telecast of the same dramas with the same climaxes that I have watched for about a thousand and a half times. Perhaps, I secretly hope and pray that may be, just may be, this time all this will end differently. In vain. This time as well I want to tell myself, "Listen you! You will not do this again." But I cannot find enough courage in me.
My tragedy is that my feelings are locked in a box whose keys were never given to me. My tragedy, my dear, is that my justifications are never good enough. My tragedy, my dear, is that no matter how groundless your reasons are they are always good enough. My tragedy, my dear, is that my words are delivered from my fingers only. My tragedy, my dear, is that my tongue refuses to cater to my words. My tragedy, my dear, is that even when I am right, you coax me into believing otherwise. My tragedy, my dear, is you.
I am not wrong but I am unable to prove myself right. And as far as I have experienced, you are not innocent until proved guilty. You are guilty until proved innocent. It does not matter how loud I scream my innocence out. I need an alibi - that is good enough. Where will I ever get an alibi that is better than yours? Nowhere.
I wish you knew how tired I am. I am tired of being wrong. I am tired of being sorry. I am tired. And so is the reader.
It rained. But it did not matter to me. This time it was just drops of water falling off the sky. A mere weather phenomenon.
My life was never multi-coloured. It has been in monochrome for a long time now except for some stray splashes of colours that spill over from different people and their lives. However, it does not bother me except but when I think of you. You have painted your life with brightest colours so much so that when I look at you my eyes hurt, they sting. Whereas, when I look back at myself, whatever I see is almost always in grayscale.
Sighs.
I am getting tired of my fake pledges. Every other week I repeat to myself, "It should not matter to me... I should stop doing this or that... blah blah and more such blah". Nevertheless, every other week I witness a repeat telecast of the same dramas with the same climaxes that I have watched for about a thousand and a half times. Perhaps, I secretly hope and pray that may be, just may be, this time all this will end differently. In vain. This time as well I want to tell myself, "Listen you! You will not do this again." But I cannot find enough courage in me.
My tragedy is that my feelings are locked in a box whose keys were never given to me. My tragedy, my dear, is that my justifications are never good enough. My tragedy, my dear, is that no matter how groundless your reasons are they are always good enough. My tragedy, my dear, is that my words are delivered from my fingers only. My tragedy, my dear, is that my tongue refuses to cater to my words. My tragedy, my dear, is that even when I am right, you coax me into believing otherwise. My tragedy, my dear, is you.
I am not wrong but I am unable to prove myself right. And as far as I have experienced, you are not innocent until proved guilty. You are guilty until proved innocent. It does not matter how loud I scream my innocence out. I need an alibi - that is good enough. Where will I ever get an alibi that is better than yours? Nowhere.
I wish you knew how tired I am. I am tired of being wrong. I am tired of being sorry. I am tired. And so is the reader.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Less-ness...
I am feeling clue-LESS. The bitterness seems end-LESS. You seem hope-LESS. My anger, my aguish seem fruit-LESS. Everything seems meaning-LESS. Period.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
A broken pencil
My life is a broken pencil- it seems pointless. Even with you in it. Having said that, I wonder since when did I become so indifferent. Not that I do not like it this way. I always wished and hoped to be indifferent and now that indifference is finally taking over me, I feel tempted to ask myself, "So what was it? What was the last straw?" Really, I want to figure it out. What just happened? How did my tables turn? This bitter tranquility that howls inside me is odd. I do not feel angry or anguished. Anxiety is nowhere near me. How did this happen? So, does this mean I took in everything? Shut it in a box and threw it in some dark corner where I probably will never find it anytime soon? Since when did I become so strong?I do not like it this way. It feels hollow. Not having any feelings, being numb makes me feel empty. I was once told by my Ami jani that I should not keep to myself I should voice out my miseries, my problems. She asked why do I do this. She said sharing your feelings lessens your heart's burden. *Sighs* True. I wanted to tell her that I already know that and I want to! I want to let people know how I feel but it is so hard. I cannot. No matter how much I try. I cannot. I tried telling you but you looked at my words so superficially you never got to understand them. I tried again, you thought my words were insignificant and naive. I admit I have destructive tendencies and that my feelings are not always gentle. The day my mother told me to vent out I was told by someone to "keep my feelings to myself, to control them". I felt a kick in my gut. I wanted to tell that particular person how ridiculous it sounded, how irrelevant. I wanted to laugh and I wanted to cry at the same time. "Keep my feelings to myself", seriously? What made you say this? When did I share myself with you, when did I make you my confidant and when did I reveal my feelings to you? I do not remember doing any of this and yet you tell me to keep my god-damn feelings to myself. You have no idea how I have gotten sick of keeping to myself. Now of all times, I want to speak to somebody, anybody. I was reading Sidra's post where she said "I’m no expert in counseling people or making them feel better..." and something snapped inside me. I am sick of counselling others and making them feel better. I want someone to appease me, pacify me, make me feel better. I heard a dialogue randomly on TV today, a guy was saying, "...speaking out your feelings makes them weaker in your heart, it lessens their intensity.." I want to speak out but I cannot do it on my own. I need someone to lure me into speaking. Too much to ask, uh? *Sighs*
Friday, June 11, 2010
Life's FAQ#1
Q: Mera Dimagh Itna Kharab Kion Hai?
Ans: Mera dimagh kharab hai because I have been loved... excessively and unnecessarily.
Ans: Mera dimagh kharab hai because I have been loved... excessively and unnecessarily.
*shrugs*
This answer forfeits every right that I thought I had to complain.
I need to change. Not for myself, but for those who love me unconditionally.