Monologues from a dreary afternoon

Woe to the man, who finds not a thing of beauty in the rising and setting of the sun. Who ceases to be enchanted by the starry night sky. Who finds not a warmth in the charm of a crisp eve. Woe to him, as when it rains, not a smile kindles inside of him. Woe to him, who knows not bliss when the morning breeze caresses him. Who knows not of a delight creeping under his skin as the winter sun shines upon him. Who listens not, to the hushed chuckles of trees in the solitude of a windy afternoon. Who breathes in no pleasure from the soft morning dew. And woe be unto him, who looks at the bliss-ridden marvels around him, but with a numb stare. For what remains a difference betwixt him and a boulderstone?

Woe to you my precious, for what are you if not a boulderstone?

Bicharne waalay tujhe dekh dekh rota hon,
Tu phir milega tou kitna badal chuka hoga...

It's so cold in here.

I miss you Liz

...

If you were to die now, in this moment; you'd die a death of a wretched person, won't you love?

I feel sorry for you sometimes.

Pophoo ne eik martaba bachpan mein meri donon hatheliyaan jorr ker haathoun ka baghour  jaaiza lete huwe kaha tha ke, yeh jo ' ب ' (bay) ban raha hai na, kehte hain ke woh shaks barra bakht wala hota hai.

Uss lamhay nadaan sa zehra bohat khush huwa tha, mera tou bilkul perfect ب banta hai... kissi ne barray he rashk se soocha tha.

Aur aaj... jurri huwi hatheliyoun ke imperfect aur incomplete se ب ke saath, unki baat ka yaqeen karne ko dil chahta hai.

Watch out: Sappiness ahead.

'Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors, and fight battles that nobody knows about.'
- Author Unknown

Unreasonable reasoning

Only if you could truly recollect and realise how little time we have- I have...
Perhaps then only you might have discovered reason underlining my unreasonableness.

The darkness, that swallowed me.

Why did I ever leave you? Why? And why did you let me go, back into those murky dark waters? Or may be you didn't. No. You didn't. You didn't let me go. I was the one who left you. I slipped out my hand from your hands. My love you for wasn't strong enough. My demons were stronger. I reverted back to the darkness that still thrived in some shady corners of my heart. The darkness took over me and swallowed my love for you with it.

My eyes were weak. The darkness that had grown on to me did not allow me to see the truth; the glory; you. I was foolish. I was ignorant. I was oblivious. I was walking farther and farther away from you, without even realising it. My mind did not recognise the darkness; my demons disguised it with light. My senses refused to even notice how dreary and grey this light was. And, so I kept walking.

My heart was silent. Silent as a grave. I realised not, that it was dying. Neither did I realise this silence to be the one that there is before a storm. So, I kept walking- into obscurity.

So, I kept walking- for days, and nights. I kept walking, until I it grew harder and harder for me to breath. Alas! The oblivion. I started gasping for air soon. Suffocated. I looked around, as if absurdly trying to see the air around me. I stopped. I had to. Every single muscle I moved seemed to rob me off the last bit of oxygen left in my blood. I inhaled as deep a breath as I could have, as if intending to inhale every single molecule of oxygen that was there around me. But, to no avail. There was none.

Panic started creeping into my skin. There was no air around me. I started gasping harder, louder and louder. My legs surrendered and brought me to ground. I was suffocating, right under an open sky. My heart raced faster, I could hear every single thud it made against my chest. My vision shrank. My head ached. Warm water seeped out of my eyes; eyes that had been dry ever since eons- it seemed. I was helpless, and alone.

The grey light grew dimmer and dimmer. I felt all walls closing in on me; except that there were no walls, anywhere. Fright penetrated the depths of my heart and then... And then, I thought of you. And then and only then, I realised my hand wasn't in yours. I tilted my head to look, tracking my eyes back on the path that I took here. My pupils dilated. Was it the shock, or the darkness? But what difference did it make? One or the same thing, weren't they?

There was no path. Only a haunting void. A vaccum. My heart stopped. My head fell back on ground. There was nothing. Except darkness. Above me. Below me. To my right. To my left. In every single direction, I saw it. Enveloping me, in itself. My body lay there on the ground, still as a corpse. The only thing negating death were my eyes, weeping; my lashes, shivering along with the eyelids. I wanted to scream- I had no voice. I wanted to call your name- I had no voice. All I wanted was to scream your name, but... I had no voice.

Tolkien, others might not be... but, I am!

But, I certainly am.

Sighs.

Exams are around the corner and I'm not interested in studying. Despite this being my qualifying attempt, I've no motivation. No. Nada. I'm not really working hard. But then on a second thought, I never have. Nevertheless, I do at least try to put in some effort usually. However, I don't know what's wrong with me this time. I feel so disoriented. A little listless.

 I've had a change of heart with regards to a lot of things. I really do mean A LOT, when I say a lot. I'm not the same person I was last year, and it's kind of irritating because I've never really been good with such radical changes. 

But things change, right. Change is what connotes life, doesn't it. All of us have changed in some way or other. Let's see some illustrations: *smiles*

♠ Ally- she's farther away now then she used to be, physically and virtually as well.

♠ Sid- has plunged deeper into her lake of distress. No more happy posts from her anymore.

♠ B- is.... oh well, B has managed to remain B, I shall surmise. *smiles* He never used to blog often and, that hasn't changed much (so okay, I don't see how he has evolved- so let's just assume he hasn't!)

♠ Majworld- he's maturing at a rate faster than fast. His posts have changed from happy-go-lucky-everyday-stuff to deeper things. It sometimes makes me laugh at how closely and scrutinizingly he has started looking at things. Yes, I'm sorry majworld, but it makes me laugh. :P

So yes, we evolve with time, don't we? No surprise, if I did too, right? But... it isn't exactly what I could've ever imagined. I don't know at what point did I let go off myself, but I did. I was supposed to let go off other things but somehow I guess I let go off my own self. 

Honestly, and I don't care how cliched this sounds but, the ironic truth is that as soon as I changed.... my world turned to a perfect mirror image of my hopes and wishes. Only... it was too late. I somehow didn't want it anymore. So, it kind of doesn't matter now. *smirk*  Everything around me started falling right in its place; just that... I wasn't standing exactly where I used to before. And not to mention, my cynicism has escalated drastically. (Will write on it specifically, later sometimes).

Have I ever told you, that I don't have dreams? Dreams as in, like how people want to own a yacht (that's Gopher's dream, lol) or something else; or achieve something in life; et cetera. Yea, that sort of dreams. I can't think of any. I don't know if it's sad or what. I'm just not interested enough, so to speak. 

I was always dull and boring and, I still am. However, the only thing that's different now I guess is an added tinge of apathy and agitation.

And let me confess the most deplorable part of my (uncalled for) evolution- I have lost my connection with Him. I was a sinner, as far back as I can see myself. Never a saint, or even close. One of His worst creatures, I feel sad to admit. But there was still a connection. I feel disconnected now. My soul feels disconnected.

I want to revert back to Him. I want it so bad. I want it so bad!

So yeah, anyways. I'm going to go away now (well, I'm gonna try to), until my exams are over, and that'll be 10th June. I don't really think I'll be totally away though, because ever since the exam fever has started, loitering on blogspot seems to be the nicest thing to do. Han na, I want to do everything that doesn't spell 'S-T-U-D-Y'. Thank Lord, I've temporarily discontinued playing Crysis2. Will resume after exams though. But, I'm just concerned that Gopher would have completed it by then. *frowns* I hope not. *fingers crossed*

By the way, S made me listen to another silly song, (no, don't worry I'm not going to keep it a secret to stir curiosity this time) it's akon's chammak challo. God! What's up with songs these days? It's funny though, just the chammak challo part. It's funny because I made an inside joke out of it. But on a serious note, we need song writers, decent song writers, that is. Nevertheless, the previous song from dehli belly makes me go hahaha really! When I made my ami jani listen to it, she gave me a disgusted look as the song began. 'Aray yaaar *shakes head* isko music ki tarah mat lain iss ko mazah ke tanazur se dekhain', I protested (lol, no I didn't use either of the words mazah or tanazur. I couldn't have anyways, coz' I speak sindhi, remember silly!) *smiles* So, yes she laughed a little while listening, which means she thought it was funny too! 

Okie, I shall leave you now. You may let out a deep sigh of relieve. I know you want to. *smiles* 

Image courtesy: weheartit

Two beautiful paths that diverge- one is mine. The other, isn't.

I'm walking down a path that is ever so wonderful. With dainty flowers lined up by the sides. It's all so pleasant, so pretty.

However, there's a twist. And what would life be without its infamous twists and turns? So yes, there's a twist- A turn, actually. A wrong one.

I took a wrong turn. This lovely pathway that I'm treading upon, I'm not supposed to be here. No, sir.

The path, where I should be is beautiful too. Very, indeed. It's almost as lovely as this one. But...

But, this one has my favourite flowers.

*shrugs with a helpless smile*

I shall have to walk back, and I will. But won't it be sad journey, my friend?

I see you looking away, dear friend. Don't. You need not. Look me in my eyes, and tell me that all of this, doesn't matter. Tell me that with my gold fish memory (or worse), I won't be able to remember these sights for very long . It's just a matter of time. Tell me, I'm being silly. You know I won't mind. Because, that's true.

And, don't worry. I'm not sad. There's not even a single good reason to be sad about. You don't have to feel bad about me. Because, there's no good reason for that too.

And she said...

It will be a tragedy, nonetheless my friend, if I lose you to these idle gossips, that are nothing but a second-rate product of small minds.

It will be a sad end for something that hasn't even started yet.

Un-amusing musings

I hate how SMAAK sends me crazily hilarious sort of text messages but never replies to my replies. Grrr....

So anyways, I'm here to report a slight modification. Okay 'slight' is an under-under-under-statement.

I don't love the people I once used to, anymore. I mean not with the same fervor.

I like different people now. There's a whole lot of other people now who make me smile or laugh (in a very embarrassing way).

The old ones, I never thought I would stop loving them. I don't even think I have stopped. But, I'm afraid. What if this is a beginning- of an end?

My life works on the 'ceteris paribus' clause. All other things have to remain the same. They cannot change.

I've actually been running away from the old ones. I now see how unfair and incorrect they've been and somehow I don't find myself able to tolerate that anymore.

The blindfold- unfolds.

P.S. I wonder where anonymous is, these days?

Resonance... II

This is a continuation of a previous post - Resonance

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Empty places can create echoes of lasting clarity.

His voice echoed inside her heart. Bouncing off against the stoned walls, they died their own death. With every death, a new voice was born and soon the silence was replaced with harsh discordance. This piercing cacophony made it agonizing to remain silent any longer. However, the noises stared in awe realizing that their endeavours had merely managed to make her lips quiver. Shaking their heads, they decided to leave.

And the silence prevailed.

“I love you”
A faint whisper raised its head in some corner.
“Do I love him?”
A doubt roamed aimlessly inside her heart.
“Do I really love him any longer or has he just become a mundane matter?”
The whispers grew louder.
“Can you tell him that your heart is empty; that all your love has evaporated leaving nothing but a void?”
Someone sneered inside her.
“Stop it! Just stop it! I love him, I do.”
She yelled back.
“Is it so?”
The sneers turned into a loud scornful laughter.
Frightened he might hear the voices, she looked at him.

Her eyes met his for the first time. It seemed as if an eternity had passed by.

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Aabla pa ko'ii iss dasht mein aaya hoga...

"I have found the shore. It's not as if I didn't like swimming (read: spinning) in the whirlpool much. But, I needed a moment- to breathe."

The caravan has found an oasis. The weary traveler can rest his soul now. He can lie down near the banks of the glistening pond and let his parched soul soak in the moisture. Let the shade of the marvelous palms soothe his burns. So he can tend to his blistered feet. He has to revive his weary self- For he has another long journey to continue...

And so, it doesn't matter...

You know what 'brain dead' means, right? But do you know what 'feel dead' means? It's like being emotionally dead, you see. I have a tag amongst my Labels that says, 'Emotional Floods'. I think I should have another - 'Emotional Drought'. Ha. I don't know. I am failing to feel. I have grown pretty much numb. For some reason, this doesn't-matter-to-me attitude has undertaken me and hence, nothing no more seems to matter. I cannot decide if it is a good thing or a bad thing. The only thing that I am realizing is that it gets scary sometimes.

Nothing rings any bells anymore. Nothing strikes the heart's chords anymore. Perhaps, my chords broke down. Perhaps, it was I who broke them. Whatever it was, it doesn't matter now. It feels as if I have let off everything. It feels as if I have given in to the rushing torrent of time and now it will take me where ever it wants. During the course, I might hit some rocks. I might injure myself a little, perhaps. I can also get deposited on a river bank.  And if not, then I will ultimately be drained into the sea. But does it matter? I don't think so. *smirks*

You know I failed a course. *smiles* Yeah. Yeah. I failed and I am smiling. See, I told you nothing matters anymore. Had my result on the 23rd and I failed one out of 3 courses that I attempted. Corporate Reporting was an evil wizard, trust me. The exam went awful so I wasn't expecting anything great. Anyhow, so I failed for the first time in my life. And what was my reaction to it? Ha. I didn't feel a thing. Not a single drop of tear. Trust me. I have cried at scoring badly in exams. I remember my AS Level, I scored a B in Economics. My parents were in Islamabad that day and I cried so much over the phone. I cried so much. I remember my grade in General, I was in such denial. I was shattered. But this time, when I have not just scored low, but I actually have flunked. I am too indifferent to care. The moment I viewed my result, my reaction was as if I was looking at someone else's result. I felt as sad as I would have if someone I merely knew would have failed. It was a surprise. Not my result, my reaction.

I am hurt. But it doesn't ache. So, I guess I am fine for the time being. It feels as if I have been anesthetized. I feel nothing. This is insane. I don't like it much.

I have to go. I have these irksomely lengthy Notes to Accounts to read from our client's Annual Reports and then I also have to skim through SOX 4.0.4 and AS.5. Ugh. Oh yes. I started working from Monday. It's good. Err... okay... no.. it's just fine. You know in approx. three years or so, I am the first girl that they have hired in this dept. Sighs. I'll leave the rest to your imagination for the time being. Haven't been able to write about it. Haven't you noticed the teeny weeny length of my last few posts. I've been a little a busy and a lot tired. But I'll write about it soon insha'Allah.

P.S. Bj, I miss you yaar!

Aye Mariz-e-Dana'ee...

Jaanta hon mein tum ko zauq-e-shayari bhi hai
Shakhsiyat sajanay mein ek yeh mahiri bhi hai
Phir bhi harf chuntay ho, sirf lafz suntay ho
Inn ke darmiyan kya hai, tum na jaan pa'ogay...


It's about time you started reading between the lines, my friend. It's about time.

Once upon a time..

"I loved rain too, once upon a time. I am not very sure anymore... "

It rained. But it did not matter to me. This time it was just drops of water falling off the sky. A mere weather phenomenon.

My life was never multi-coloured. It has been in monochrome for a long time now except for some stray splashes of colours that spill over from different people and their lives. However, it does not bother me except but when I think of you. You have painted your life with brightest colours so much so that when I look at you my eyes hurt, they sting. Whereas, when I look back at myself, whatever I see is almost always in grayscale.

Sighs.

I am getting tired of my fake pledges. Every other week I repeat to myself, "It should not matter to me... I should stop doing this or that... blah blah and more such blah". Nevertheless, every other week I witness a repeat telecast of the same dramas with the same climaxes that I have watched for about a thousand and a half times. Perhaps, I secretly hope and pray that may be, just may be, this time all this will end differently. In vain. This time as well I want to tell myself, "Listen you! You will not do this again." But I cannot find enough courage in me.

My tragedy is that my feelings are locked in a box whose keys were never given to me. My tragedy, my dear, is that my justifications are never good enough. My tragedy, my dear, is that no matter how groundless your reasons are they are always good enough. My tragedy, my dear, is that my words are delivered from my fingers only. My tragedy, my dear, is that my tongue refuses to cater to my words. My tragedy, my dear, is that even when I am right, you coax me into believing otherwise. My tragedy, my dear, is you.

I am not wrong but I am unable to prove myself right. And as far as I have experienced, you are not innocent until proved guilty. You are guilty until proved innocent. It does not matter how loud I scream my innocence out. I need an alibi - that is good enough. Where will I ever get an alibi that is better than yours? Nowhere.

I wish you knew how tired I am. I am tired of being wrong. I am tired of being sorry. I am tired. And so is the reader.

A dream deferred...

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up 

like a raisin in the sun? 

Or fester like a sore-- 

And then run? 

Does it stink like rotten meat? 

Or crust and sugar over-- 

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags 

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

-Langston Hughes

Do you dream? Do you hold them close to your heart? Are your dreams the paint brushes that colour your life? Do you believe in them? Do you still?

I don't.

For me, dreams are like stars. When you are a child, you look up at them and smile. Their twinkle creates a mirror image in your eyes. You wish to touch them so that some of their shimmer might stick to your fingers and then you can brush your face gently and glitter like a star itself. But once you grow up, the truth is slapped onto you. The stars are nothing but huge spheres of very hot, glowing gases. First of all, you cannot touch them and even if you somehow do, you will burn yourself.

There is something else common between them as well. Their death. When stars die, they explode into trillions of pieces and go flying haywire in the space, hit whatever comes in their path, destroy (or damage) others; or just get lost in the eternal vastness of the universe. When dreams die, they too shatter into billion little sharp pieces. But they don't fly away, they stay put- in your eyes, and prick them, and sting them for as long as they can. They are like tiny pieces of glass stuck in your eyes. Each time you blink, they make it hurt.

Stars are just a hoax. Their shine, their twinkle lasts only as long as you are gazillions of miles away from them. They are nothing but giant burning balls, oblivious and orbit-less. They are a sham. And so are dreams.

Less-ness...

I am feeling clue-LESS. The bitterness seems end-LESS. You seem hope-LESS. My anger, my aguish seem fruit-LESS. Everything seems meaning-LESS. Period.