Of hope and paralysis

'I don't want her living off hope.'
'There are worse things.''You're wrong!
Bad news stops us for a while, but then you move on. Hope - is paralysing.'
(Criminal Minds)

Hope is paralysing!

Mariz-e-Muhabbat

Unadorned days and unembellished nights. Life is back to "normal" again. The pain has subsided and the tears have dried up. I suppose, we have learnt to deal with our "selves". I suppose, we have come to terms with the hide and seek our woes and happiness have been playing with us. We had to. Eventually. 

Irada Tha Tar'ke Muhabbat Ka Lekin
Faraib-e-Tabassum Mein Phir Aa Gaye Hum
Abhi Kha Kay Thokar Sanbhalne Na Paye
Ke Phir Khayee Thokhar Sanbhalte Sanbhalte

So, this time I decided to dive into the river of indifference earlier than usual. Indifference is my only shield against this world and "my own self". It is always my last resort. I needed a distraction. But any and every mundane affair of life was not proving to be enough.

Aray Koi Wadaa Khilafee Ki Had Hai
Hisaab Apne Dil Mein Laga Kar Tou Dekho
Qayamat Ka Din Aa Gaya Rafta Rafta
Mulaqaat Ka Din Badalte Badalte

In one of my previous posts, I was suggested in a comment by Ubaid to revert to music. I told him it made me nostalgic which, by the way is exactly what it makes me feel. But then last night as I was listening to FM, I realised I was listening to all the wrong genres of music. I had to turn to the kind of music which suited my mood but was anti-depressing simultaneously. And voilà! I found exactly the right stuff.

Unhein Khat Mein Likha Keh Dil Muztarib Hai
Jawab Unka Aaya Ke Mohabbat Na Karte
Tumhein Dil Lagane Ko Kis Nay Kaha Thaa
Behel Jayega Dil Behalte Behalte

I have also realised that what is killing me (or "trying endlessly" to kill me) is something within my self. It is not a novel discovery though, I have known this for quite a long time now. For the sake of pin pointing the culprit, I must admit that it is my "expectations" that have been stabbing me. And my oh my! Do they know where to stab me to make me wail my heart out. Cruel things, I tell you. I have also often wondered why do I feel a sudden sting in my eyes. Then I realised that they are the hopes that came crashing down and shattered into a thousand minute splinters and smash into my eyes every now and then.

Hamein Apne Dil Ki To Parvah Nahin Hai 
Magar Darr Raha Hoon Yeh Kamsin Ki Zidd Hai
Kahin Paaye Naazuk Mein Moach Aa Na Jaye
Dil-e-sakht Jaan Ko Masalte Masalte

I have to confess. I am my own enemy.  I should slay my own expectations before they slay me. You know, people do mistakes and then blame it on others. But my tragedy is the fact that I have no one to blame but myself. Technically speaking, people have not hurt me much. I wound my own self. Only and if only, I could contain my expectations, I could be content. It is not that hard.

Woh Mehmaan Humare Huwe Bhi Tu Kab Tak
Hoyi Sham'a Gul Aur Na Doobe Sitarey
Qamar Kis Qadr Unko Jaldi Thi Ghar Ki
Woh Ghar Chal Diye Chandni Dhalte Dhalte

It is not that easy either. I am obsessed. I am possessive. I am touchy. I am irascible. How many broken ends will I mend? How many wreckages will I repair? How many fractures will I plaster? How many ugly scars will conceal under my masks? How many lesions will I bandage? How many wounds will I heal? How many glitches will I fix?

Mariz-e-Muhabbat Unheen Ka Fasana

Sunata Raha Dam Nikalte Nikalte
Magar Zikre Sham-e-Alum Jab Ke Aaya

Charagh-e-Sehar Bujh Gaya Jalte Jalte

Oh forget it! To hell with my whimpering.  It is just that..... Munni Begum is so awesome!! =)

A Gem, Lost

Zulfikar Ali Bhutto

I remember 10th grade History. We were given an assignment on Bhutto. The class was split into two groups for a debate for and against the Bhutto regime. I obviously chose pro-Bhutto. My entire class participated in a more or less objective way (mostly) except for me, obviously. lol. I was in love with Bhutto sahib. No points for guessing who won the debate- we did. =)

Forget my personal feelings. Undoubtedly, only two men in the 62 year old history of Pakistan can be fittingly declared as leaders- Mohammad Ali Jinnah and Zulfikar Ali Bhutto. Have you ever heard him speak? The fervor, passion and the zeal in his voice gives me goosebumps everytime I hear his speeches. When he spoke to the people, he was one of them unlike the other conceited yet shallow leaders that we have been sentenced with now and in the past. When he spoke to the farmers, he was one of them. When he spoke to the labourers, he was one of them. When he spoke to the businessman, he was one of them. When spoke to the intellectuals, he was one of them. His charisma, his boldness, his unwavering faith had no parallel.

Have you seen his speeches in the UN Security Council? Wow. I lack words. I am not talented enough to translate my awe and admiration in words. Certainly, I have not seen such a charismatic speaker in my 21-year-old life. Who else could have spoke in the Security Council like that:

“I am leaving your Security Council. I find it disgraceful to my person and to my country to remain here a moment longer than necessary. I am not boycotting. Impose any decision, have a treaty worse than the Treaty of Versailles, legalise aggression, legalise occupation, legalize everything that has been illegal up to December 15, 1971. I will not be a party to it. We will fight. We will go back and fight. My country beckons me. Why should I be a party to the ignominious surrender of a part of my country? You can take your Security Council. Here you are. I am going.”

I have heard our leaders speak. There is nothing to listen to when they speak. It is a mere formality. But when I hear his speeches and addresses, every single nerve in my body turns into ear. How I wish to have been there then. When he spoke, he casted some kind of spell which made you believe "Yes, this is possible."  He loved his country. He stood for his country. He fought for his country- For my country. And that is one of the reasons for which I esteem him. Do we now have a leader even similar to him? Do we now have a saviour who can retrieve our integrity and sovereignty? Are we independent? Yes? No? No! No! No! We are NOT! Our independence has been sold by our own so-called leaders. They have done everything in their power to lead this country to ruins. Oh and congratulations to them, I see they are doing pretty well. 

Bhutto sahib lived for his country an he died for his country. His death was a foreign conspiracy. A thought occurred to me today while I was watching TV. Bhutto sahib brought together all the Muslims nations. Not only, did he do that, he also put in his efforts to unify the third world countries. He was a rising star. A morning star, that indicated that dawn was nearby. Had he only had a little more time. The west, however, feared the fact that if Zulfikar Ali Bhutto was not stopped then they would have to face formidable consequences. The west of course, did not like the idea of people uniting together. They had to eliminate Bhutto. And they did.

Inhein sadiYon na bhoolay ga zamana,

Yahan jo hadse kal ho gaye hain.

Jinhein hum dekh kar jeetey thay Nasir

Woh loog aankhon se ojhal ho gaye hain.

Bhutto was a visionary, a revolutionary, a believer, a lion-heart and most of all, a leader. We did not value what we had and now we are left with nothing. May God save our country. However, I have my hopes clinged to Imran Khan but I am just too afraid of watching my hopes fall apart again. But I pray Imran Khan gets a chance and proves him to be what he proclaims. I hope he proves to be a leader one day. And I pray that day may come soon.