Jaanay kab honge kum, is dunya ke ghum...

I was planning to come here to rant about my own self. About my silly issues. But then, all that seems so insignificant now.

I'm fuming. My sister asks me to lower down my voice whenever I'm discussing the attack on the Mehran Base with ami, telling me mum's sitting beside me only. But I cannot. Because I'm furious. I'm on the verge of pulling my hair off my head.

Six (or, so they say) godforsaken militants enter your base, blow up two of the best surveillance aircrafts that you have, martyr ten and injure fifteen or so of your men, and then, mother of all audacities, a couple of them manage to escape despite the fact that the entire area was cordoned off. How, God how? How in the world?

Just six goddamn men! Are you kidding me? You refuse any claims of hostage situations, you refute allegations of a security lapse. What was it then? A nawtankee, or something are you suggesting?

Taliban and al-qaeda sound such clichés to me now. Scapegoats that every and any one can use for every and any thing. They cannot of course be written-off completely with regards to this attack, however. But my grey cells say that navy hasn't really had much to do with these organisation. Had air force or army been under attack, they would sure be somewhere up in my list but it has been naval forces that have been under attack since the last month.

Manmohan Singh is sure as hell concerned about the safety of our nukes, as always. *rolls eyes* A cracker doesn't even go off completely in this country and his concern about our nukes pokes out its head. I'd kill to insert a sock in his mouth (though, a nuclear warhead sounds a lot better). Why aren't we being quick and reckless at drawing our guns and shooting the blame at India? Why not, I say? India has all the reasons, so to speak. They accuse us of everything. Why shouldn't we?

Don't give me the shit that we are mature people, who don't just put blames on others without first figuring things out in a proper manner. Don't give me the shit that we are very responsible people, unlike our dear neighbour. Because to be honest, it has only recently occurred to me that there is an immensely fine line between the so-called maturity and responsibility that has been referred to above and cowardice. And therefore, I cannot really figure out if we are mature and responsible or plain cowards- spineless.

This government has done nothing but led this country deeper into the dumps. I'm done and over with ranting about the catastrophes that Musharraf inflicted upon this land. This government is no better. It has only continued on- not to mention, very ardously, with what that wretched chawkidaar started. But then, any blind person with a tiniest wee of gray matter left would've seen it coming the same day Mr. Ten Percent took the office as the president.

The armed forces of my country that I was once in love with, cannot protect their own base. How in the world do they think they can protect my home? It was their base this time. How long before it's my home?

The state that we are in, is dismal. This is a plot to defame our nation, our armed forces. It's a gigantic game, that we've inadvertently become a part of. And what some of us haven't realised yet is the fact that we are fighting against our own bloody selves.

It wasn't out war. It wasn't!

Allah saa'iin please protect us and this country from everything, for the sake of Muhammad (sawaw) o aal-e-Muhammad (sawaw).

You are such a cry baby!

A single day at work was adequate for me to realise that I cannot take this. I just don't have it in me. Nope! I don't!

I cannot work! I was looking for an internship and applying here and then there and then everywhere. Haye! The market is so saturated, just getting an internship has become a tough nut. How would it be like to find a job- Don't even want to think about it. Uh. Tsk. Tsk. Let me tell you something- I just realised that the entire country is being run on a "source". God! You need a source for everything. What the hell happened to the "chiriya" named merit? Anyways, so I got into an audit firm. Sigh. Don't even ask how the experience was. I walked in to the office in the morning and left in the evening deciding in my heart never to return here again. Audit Firms are SO boring! B-o-r-i-n-g! The people who work their are not people. A day's trip to a firm scraped off my hardened bruises and made me repeat the same old sentences for a zillionth time. "Mein yeh sab kion kar rahi hon. Why am I studying this. It is not meant for me. Kis manhos ghari mein I chose this field. Et cetera." What makes me sad is the fact that this is going to be a life long regret. And you know, what makes it even sorer? What augments the soreness is the fact that even though I hate what I am doing but I have to pretend otherwise in front of others (except for a handful of people). This one time only, I am finding it very hard to accept that I have messed up- messed up the most important decision of my life. Ch!

Anyways, I have also realised that I am not tough enough. I am not job material. I cannot work, as I have already mentioned. I cannot. My office was near I. I. Chundrigar Road and the area was terribly crowded with vehicles, people and buildings. I am not used to these hustling bustling crowds. I did not even have friends. I am not used to being alone. While I was in the office, I felt like crying. My eyes did become teary a couple of times for absolutely nil reason. Can you believe that? I felt homesick. Stop rolling your eyes. *frowns* I said I am not that type. Even I did not know I was such a chiriya-hearted person. I have made a shocking discovery! I, A. H., am a wild, crazy, outspoken, whimsy, carefree, etc person only and only inside my comfort zone. My comfort zone refers to my home, my entire family, a few close friends. My world's pretty small, huh?  So, yes, the moment I step out of this zone POOF! You will not find a person graver than me. Chiragh le ker dhondne se bhi nahin milega! *smiles*

My first day was terrifyingly eventful. It was Monday. While me and BJ were on our way back home, we were stuck in an awful traffic jam and then we found out that riots had broken out because an MPA was shot. We got home so late ami jani and everybody were worried sick. But thanks God we did. Around 32 people were killed. I cannot narrate how tense I felt. For some idiotic reason all the streets lights also were switched off and the roads were spookily dark and empty. Sigh. Where is this country going? What happens to the innocent blood that has been shed? Where we do go from here? Floods, Storms, Lightning, Plane crashe, Target killings... What's next?

(Allah saa'in please forgive all of us for we have erred and erred again.)

It makes me bleed

Watching you cripple like this. Watching you burn like this. Watching you drown like this. Watching you crumble like this. When I see the streaks of blood dripping down your face. When I see them stabbing you and ripping you into pieces. When I see you sewing your wounds again. When I see them tearing your freshly sewn wounds again. When I see you falling apart.

When I see myself looking at you. When I look around with hopeless hopes. When I find myself helpless- To heal you, to mend you, to wipe away those bloody tears, to extinguish the fire that burns you, to protect you- When I find myself powerless. When I discover that a paralysis has taken over me. When I discover that it will not let go off me.

When I see you crying out in agonizing pain. When I see myself staring at you with a misty vision. When I see you look at me with pleading eyes. When I see myself unable to alleviate your pain, your sorrows. When I see the plea in your eyes evolving into rage and despise. When I see myself turning my gaze away from you. And while I am turning my gaze away, I catch a glimpse of a smirk running across your lips. When I see my lips pursing against each other. When I see myself shutting my eyes tightly. When I turn my back towards you. When I feel your stare burning my back with abomination.

It makes me implode into a thousand little pieces- with helplessness, with pain, with sorrow, with shame.

Each splinter piercing deeper and deeper through my flesh, through my soul.

Until it makes me bleed.

(May Allah forgive those who died in the crash and may He provide those who mourn them with sabr-e-jameel. May their souls rest in peace- Ameen)