I hate him.

I know I shall regret documenting this thought one day... but right now, it is all I know- all I can think of.

Itna bay'hiss koi kaise hosakta hai.

It's about the last post

 I even had an eleventh point....(and a twelfth, and thirteenth, and oh shut up!). We were talking about the eleventh point. I wanted to add how I never really get a lot of gifts. *frowns* I only get them on my birthdays usually.

So, guess what happened today! Yes, sir. I received a beautiful gift- a perfume. It's Essence de Femme. And, it's oh-so-lovely!

You know, it's never about the gift, I mean not in terms of the object that's being presented to you. What matters is the love and the warmth with which you're being given something. Haina?

I have so many silly/amusing-office-updates to share. Will do them soon, hopefully.

Sighs.

*smiles*

Chronicles of Ann, the Outlandish- FILTERED!

I knew I shouldn't have told you. I knew it all along. And, yet I did. I am so naive. Well actually, naive is a very decent word. I am an idiot. Yes, that sounds much better.

I wish I could have talked to you about any and every thing. I wish I didn't have to filter my chronicles, my stories before narrating them to you.

I talk too much, no. I won't now. At least, I'll try not too.

You lied, you know. We aren't friends. We can never be.

And, isn't that a tragedy?

*smirks*

I'm so out of titles.

Z. bought me turtles three days ago. It was a surprise gift. My first surprise gift ever, I reckon. Um yeah, the first, as far as I remember.

I went to the hospital directly after work as ammi loog went to see F. and so, I had to pick them. I was so freakin' tired but as soon as I entered the room the weariness started to dim out. *smiles* Anyways, just as I entered, Annieo, B and R were leaving. F was better. S (my sister) had also come to see F. right from her uni. so was pretty tired herself. She asked ammi to leave and as we were about to leave F asked me to stay as I hadn't really got a chance to have a chit chat with her. I was a little apprehensive if ammi would allow me to stay back (for apparent reasons- or not so apparent, may be- may be it's just me- chor ki daari mein tinka, I guess :p). So anyways, I asked and ammi agreed. Just like that.

Then, it was just me, F and Z. Had a good time. Dr. H is funny and an acha insaan. Half my khaandaan goes to him. And while, he was cracking jokes on F, he looked at me for secondment, he did a double take and uttered, 'Oh yeh tou apni hai!'  *smiles* Doctors should have good humour. Z is awesomely humourous too but, Z isn't a doc. Uh well, not for humans (or even animals) at least. While we were at the hospital, S. called Z on the cell and said something which worried Z. Z didn't tell me what was up.

Ami had asked Z to drop me off once Aunta arrived. And, she got there pretty late. Once, she got there we took off. On the way, Z told me that Z has bought a pair of turtles for me but I was also told that one of them was dead already (that's what the call was about). I didn't know how t react. I was ecstatic but my glee wasn't reciprocated 'cause Z was sad about one of the turtles. I was sad too but, I was a bit too overwhelmed to be 'totally' sad. I had been looking for turtles since quite a few months. Had asked BJ. to get them for me but, he was too confused about which kind did I want. So, he wanted me to go to Empress Market with him which was so out of question, lol.

Z and I named him 'Aslan' after the Lion from Narnia. *grins* S. suggested 'Toofaan', lol. Ammi suggested 'Napoleon'. And, I was thinking of naming him after one of the Ninja Turtles, Michelangelo, perhaps. (I'm wearing a Ninja Turtles's sweat shirt right now ;) ) But for now, he's 'Aslan'. What do you think?

He's a baby and hence, so smaaaaalll. And, soo cute. I don't have a proper home for him yet because, it was a surprise and I wasn't a bit prepared. Therefore, I have made a temporary dwelling for him- in a tub. *smiles*

Z is so cute. This was the most awesome-est gift I ever received. Honest.

I asked Z to bring Eeman, Aminah and Hamza to see Aslan, today and they came. Hamza didn't come, though. The badmaash was asleep.

Um, what else? *smiles*

'Little girl... in her fairy tale world', that was my senior supervisor. Why did he say that, I have no clue. I wish I had replied him by saying, 'And since when did fairy tales started having audit firms in them, huh?' I told you, I wasn't job material. I'm so devastatingly pampered, I feel very vulnerable at times. However, a pleasant surprise is the fact that I have been pampered at work as well. Till date, at least. I find everybody so concerned about me and my problems, which feels really... nice. *smiles* Alhamdolillah.

Can I tell you something? Promise me, you won't throw stuff at me? Remember, how I bakwasified about being confused and indecisive and then later, about not taking up the contract and just completing the internship? Well.... I... I took the contract. (But, I don't plan to stay for three years). Uh, don't say anything. Please. I'm the most confused and the pagal-est person on this green blue earth, I know.

Papa is coming home. On monday, InshaAllah. Yayy!!

Umm.... There were actually other things that I wanted to write about too but, I don't remember any more. Uff! My memory is horrible, with a capital 'H'!

Sweet November

I've had a wonderful Eid masha'Allah. Even the third day, which usually goes boring went really great. We barbecued at BJ's place last night. I smelled like a smoked charcoal by the end. But, I had a great time. *smiles* Missed papa jani and Bj a lot though.

Oh! And, last night Z. told me something that really lift me off the ground and into the air. I felt elated, in its most superlative form. *grins* Not that I didn't know this already but it feels great when certain kinds of facts are cited to you and that too, out of the blue (it rhymes). And, it was kind of abrupt and unanticipated too. *smiles*

Z. told me that I'm Bj's favourite. As I already said, it's something that I've known but it has never been mentioned to me in such manner. I know both, Bj and BJ (and even papa) love me like anything. Z. was right in saying that I'm so fortunate that everybody loves me (well, everybody except for me). Z. told me Bj, when he was here, always used to speak about me and the love with which he spoke of me, that's what coaxed Z. to blurt it out to me. (Blurting it out after so many years, God! Z. you have to be insane.)

I'm too awful to be loved but I guess these guys are just not sane enough to see that. Sighs.

But then, there's something about me, right. *shakes head and smiles*

Happy birthday, my love. Happy birthday.

I've had a lovely day masha'Allah. I miss papa. He always forgets our birthdays. Ami has to remind him to wish us. But he's too sweet. *gives a wide smile* Papa tells me, when I was born I was way too awake than the usual newly born babies. My eyes were wide open and they moved around the room like search lights. My eyes. Hm! My Lord has been generous with me. *grins*

Dear winter, come let's be friends. You haven't been all that bad this year. I think I can love you just the way I used to once. Be with me. And, be mine.

Marie, the biscuits.

"Subha Marie, shaam Marie, raat Marie, bas har waqt Marie Marie Marie! Tumhari body 60% water nahin, 60% Marie banchuki hogi ab tak. Kuch weeks ke baad khud be Marie ban jaogi! Colour tou Marie jaisa hai hee (...) Marie ka ticky pack (half-roll)!"

*grins*

I am bored...

Hmm, so? What's up these days?

I am liking this song very much. Mazey ka hai! *smiles*

And she will be loved...

Behis'si thi ke mere zabt ka andaaz tha yeh

Muztarib tha bhi agar, mein kabhi barham tou na tha

I wish I could've said this sher  for myself but well, that's way out of question. In my case, barhami depends exponentially on the iztiraab. This couplet, nevertheless, opened a new door for me. Not a door that unveils the secrets of the lost city of Atlantis or some X-files from A-51 or the location of Holy Grail, for that matter. No. Nothing as such. What lies behind this door is a fact that's so obvious that it never grasped my attention, until now. 

Anyhow, yesterday S. was listening to Maroon 5's "She will be loved". (Hayye. I've always loved this song) I was lying beside her in ami's room and, something struck me about this song for the first time. I suddenly wished to find someone who'd catch me every time I fall. Yes, every time. I wished that every time I fall, someone would shake his/her head in disapproval and yet, reach out for my hand and pick me up. I won't mind a little scolding either. *insert a wide and a very dheet smile here* I'll persist on falling, though. 

I don't want to change. I know I am not good. I am so so so bad. I know. People have said this to me enough times to make me believe this. Which again, by the way, brings me to this empty wrapper of Dove's Promises that is lying in front of me. I have no idea which of the two monsters ate it and left the wrapper here but had I been superstitious I would have taken this as an omen of some kind. *smiles* You want to know what the message on its inside says? It says, Never let others' opinion change the way you feel about yourself. Uhh...But it's a little too late already. I have changed a lot; for the ones I love. However, somehow I'm still work-in-progress.

Umm... I have a lot to say. The rants don't end here. Oh no, they don't! *chuckles* 

My Fofo

O, I love thee so very much!

Dear Bj

I miss you Bj. You pa'ghal! I miss you so much. Come back. Speaking on the stupid phone is not enough. I want to see you Bj. It has been so long. I miss those fights that we used to have. I miss beating you up. I miss running after you. I miss screaming at you, banging your doors. I miss how angry you used to make me. Remember... the last time you came, and you annoyed me and I was not talking to you and crying. You came to me to cheer me up. It took you so long to make me smile. I am crying again Bj, this time because I miss you. Don't you miss me? You idiot. Come back. Hey when you got married, we had so much fun remember. Your wife's stupid. I am sorry but she is. I was watching the old albums. And now I am weeping. All because of you! Pa'ghal! Sighs.

I miss you.

Love,

Your maasi.

Another Looong Day *Yawns*

Phew! The days finally over. It was 22nd Rajab so the Koonday and all. I love Koonday, they are my favourite kind of niyaaz/nazar. Had loads of fun Masha'Allah however, it was pretty tiring. Everybody in the family had the niyaaz at their places mama, Aunta and us. Went to Aunta's place pretty late (after their official time was over). My Aunta's home used to be the only place other than home that I loved being at.  It still is (I guess). Things change.

How I wish everything could go back to the way it used to be. Sighs. Not that I do not like the way things are now. They are good. But not as good as they used to be. I think I should stop living in my past and accept what present has to offer. I need to stop comparing things in time.  All of us have grown out of our clothes. I need to start liking our new clothes. They ain't that bad after all. Snap out of it Ann. *Looks up in the sky and secretly whispers under the breath* Alhumdolillah.

Anyways, so as usual I embarrassed myself once again. It is becoming a chronic habit, you see. :) I tripped off my feet in  a drawing room full of people at Aunta's place. My heel caught up in the threads of the rug and I.... I will leave the rest to your imagination. Why oh why does it always have to happen at Aunta's place only. I have no idea how did I manage to save myself and plus mama held me instantly which kind of saved me from any kind of damages. Bhabhi says, "Nazar utar lena apni, itni pyaari lag rahi thi.." Ami jani  seems to agree with her. Hahaha. Yes, Yes, Allah Sa'iin acted pretty generously while he made me, I know. *smiles*

Falling isn't bad. But falling in front of so many people is bad bad bad. Especially, that one person in front of whom I unintentionally become so conscious. I would have rather preferred dying instead of tripping in front of that one person. Sighs. Anyways, I escaped out of the room and then I told F. and my sister my chronicles. Later when everybody was going into the dining room they started asking me questions again. "Are you okay?" "You aright?" "Kya howa?" Blah blah and more blah. I couldn't take it and my eyes started filling up with the God forsaken salty water again. Uh! The stupid tears. Thanks God B. was sitting beside me so she hugged me and said a few little things to make me giggle a little. I love her. :)

Anyways, Never mind. :) Aall izz welll.. I am stuffed (or not), actually *smiles sheepishly* I am feeling a little hungry right now. I know, I know, I shouldn't. But I am. *smiles*

A Gem, Lost

Zulfikar Ali Bhutto

I remember 10th grade History. We were given an assignment on Bhutto. The class was split into two groups for a debate for and against the Bhutto regime. I obviously chose pro-Bhutto. My entire class participated in a more or less objective way (mostly) except for me, obviously. lol. I was in love with Bhutto sahib. No points for guessing who won the debate- we did. =)

Forget my personal feelings. Undoubtedly, only two men in the 62 year old history of Pakistan can be fittingly declared as leaders- Mohammad Ali Jinnah and Zulfikar Ali Bhutto. Have you ever heard him speak? The fervor, passion and the zeal in his voice gives me goosebumps everytime I hear his speeches. When he spoke to the people, he was one of them unlike the other conceited yet shallow leaders that we have been sentenced with now and in the past. When he spoke to the farmers, he was one of them. When he spoke to the labourers, he was one of them. When he spoke to the businessman, he was one of them. When spoke to the intellectuals, he was one of them. His charisma, his boldness, his unwavering faith had no parallel.

Have you seen his speeches in the UN Security Council? Wow. I lack words. I am not talented enough to translate my awe and admiration in words. Certainly, I have not seen such a charismatic speaker in my 21-year-old life. Who else could have spoke in the Security Council like that:

“I am leaving your Security Council. I find it disgraceful to my person and to my country to remain here a moment longer than necessary. I am not boycotting. Impose any decision, have a treaty worse than the Treaty of Versailles, legalise aggression, legalise occupation, legalize everything that has been illegal up to December 15, 1971. I will not be a party to it. We will fight. We will go back and fight. My country beckons me. Why should I be a party to the ignominious surrender of a part of my country? You can take your Security Council. Here you are. I am going.”

I have heard our leaders speak. There is nothing to listen to when they speak. It is a mere formality. But when I hear his speeches and addresses, every single nerve in my body turns into ear. How I wish to have been there then. When he spoke, he casted some kind of spell which made you believe "Yes, this is possible."  He loved his country. He stood for his country. He fought for his country- For my country. And that is one of the reasons for which I esteem him. Do we now have a leader even similar to him? Do we now have a saviour who can retrieve our integrity and sovereignty? Are we independent? Yes? No? No! No! No! We are NOT! Our independence has been sold by our own so-called leaders. They have done everything in their power to lead this country to ruins. Oh and congratulations to them, I see they are doing pretty well. 

Bhutto sahib lived for his country an he died for his country. His death was a foreign conspiracy. A thought occurred to me today while I was watching TV. Bhutto sahib brought together all the Muslims nations. Not only, did he do that, he also put in his efforts to unify the third world countries. He was a rising star. A morning star, that indicated that dawn was nearby. Had he only had a little more time. The west, however, feared the fact that if Zulfikar Ali Bhutto was not stopped then they would have to face formidable consequences. The west of course, did not like the idea of people uniting together. They had to eliminate Bhutto. And they did.

Inhein sadiYon na bhoolay ga zamana,

Yahan jo hadse kal ho gaye hain.

Jinhein hum dekh kar jeetey thay Nasir

Woh loog aankhon se ojhal ho gaye hain.

Bhutto was a visionary, a revolutionary, a believer, a lion-heart and most of all, a leader. We did not value what we had and now we are left with nothing. May God save our country. However, I have my hopes clinged to Imran Khan but I am just too afraid of watching my hopes fall apart again. But I pray Imran Khan gets a chance and proves him to be what he proclaims. I hope he proves to be a leader one day. And I pray that day may come soon.