Expendable me

Lack of consideration - aaj ke ghamoun ke akhbaar ki surkhi.
I feel so dispensable. And well, let's face it - it is a truth; the truth. I wish it wasn't.
But I wish for so many things... *flicks her wrist at herself* Who cares!

Looked out the window a while ago to find a little furball frolicking around.

*sighs*

I miss Lizzie so much. Why did she have to go? It breaks my heart...

I hate him.

I know I shall regret documenting this thought one day... but right now, it is all I know- all I can think of.

Itna bay'hiss koi kaise hosakta hai.

Happy Ann...

Happy Annnnn...

Itni saari knives/slicer... I wonder if it was a cake or a bakra? *chuckles* 

I've had one of the most loveliest birthdays yesterday. It was great. Only yesterday was I musing how no one brings birthday cakes for me and I've to buy it for myself (or go with papa jani, when he's here). And, yesterday only K. api brought me  a cute sa, chhota sa cake. To top it off, that too a  pineapple cake. Well, I've been craving for a pineapple cake for quite a few days and have been too lazy to buy it for myself. So, coincidentally K. api bought it for my birthday. (Okay may be facebook isn't all that bad, lol). 

Too many bingos for one day, no. I guess it was the birthday magic (working in the right direction). *smiles*

I cut two cakes yesterday. One in the evening, because I was too hungry. And, the other one just 20 minutes before the clock struck mid-night. *smiles*

Life couldn't get any sweeter. (At least, that's what Hobnob says.)

♦

However, I cried last night. I cried like I've never before in months (or years, may be). I poured my heart out for the first time in twenty one years. I was reminded of every single shard of glass that has been stuck in my chest since ever - as far as I can go down my memory lane. And, every single shard hurt me as potently as day one. And, I cried. And, you cried with me. I cried till my eyes swelled up. Till my lungs went out of air and I gasped. I cried till I yexed.  Remembering everything, and not just remembering it but narrating everything was excruciating. Agonizing. But I cried. Because, I knew this might as well be the last time I'm crying over my wounds. Because, this might as well be the last time I felt those shards, felt the agony. Because, I knew my heart was bleeding for one last time as you yanked out the broken pieces of the glass from my chest- one by one- forever. It was painful. But, it was worth the pain. 

Catharsis.

This morning is a lot brighter. A lot clearer. A lot lighter.

A walk to remember

<3

I'm hardly half way through it, and my eyes are tearing up at every other scene. Even the ones that aren't so intense. This movie, it's magical.

Sighs.

And so, I sigh again...

Sh: "Ohh you fool! Rona bhi kis baat per araha hai wah wah!"

My stupid eyes fill up with stupid tears so easily. Ugh. I hate it. Why do I have to be so sensitive? Like 5x more sensitive than an average person. I realise I cannot go on in this half demented world like this. I cannot. But I'm so helpless.

I cry when others get hurt because of me. I cry when they have to hear scoldings because of something that might have been a mistake on my part. I cry when people don't scold me for being careless.

I disgust myself. Thoroughly.

Vengeful Happiness

I have been happy in the past few months. I have been happy for longer than I should have. But now it ends. It had to end. I have known happiness was never a sincere companion of mine. It has always been a wolf in sheep's clothing; the calm before the storm. But I took my chances. I tried to cling on to it as fast as I could have. I tried to hold on. But it did not work out. The string attached to happiness was no more a dainty flower garland, it soon turned into a barbed wire wounding my hands.

Happiness came last night- To bid me farewell. It kissed me goodbye. With a smirk on its lips, the entire time.  As it walked away from me, I stood there motionless. No pain, no stings piercing my body. I stood there emotionless. But then, all of a sudden, it stopped and turned around. With a dreadfully grave expression, it told me it- "For every smile that kissed your lips, my love, you will pay me with tears." It wanted to take its toll on me. I wanted to laugh at it, I wanted to mock it. However, I do not know what happened. I was still standing there emotionless. No pain ripping me apart, still. As if by a spell, I felt a sudden sting in my eyes. My sight blurred with in a second, a streak of some liquid wet and warm trickled down my face. With disbelieve, I touched my face. It was wet with what we call tears. I had been cursed, yet again.

With my eyes wide open, I looked straight ahead, where happiness once stood. It was gone and I was left with the echoes of its derisive laughs.

Hold on a sec. please

Have you ever wished for the world to freeze for a moment so that the tear drop that has been hinging on your lash for so long can have the liberty to roll down your cheek and land in your lap; so that you can have the liberty to raise your hand and wipe that faint trail left by your tears off your face?

Just a moment.

And then the world can get back to its dreary routines.

Incoherence 001

Eyes that turn pink from the intensity of emotions, look extraordinarily beautiful.

Trying to speak when there is block of tears stuck down your throat is horribly difficult especially, when even your words lack coherence and make no sense at all. 

I wonder if they have a tear duct removal surgery. I hate crying but it is so damn uncontrollable. 

Life is becoming increasingly messy-er and that too for no apparent reason. 

I need to vent out my emotions before my emotional pressure cooker explodes leaving behind further clutter than there is now. 

I am in a dire need of a disk cleanup.