It's so cold in here.

Let's be honest

You don't need a friend, a lover, a healer.

You need an attendant.

Sighs.

... Where do we find you an attendant?

Of hope and paralysis

'I don't want her living off hope.'
'There are worse things.''You're wrong!
Bad news stops us for a while, but then you move on. Hope - is paralysing.'
(Criminal Minds)

Hope is paralysing!

Econ lessons, life, and similar nuisance

Life is a bloody set of choices made. Irrespective of who makes the choice for you - you'll always end up losing one thing, in return for another.

But then this is life we're talking about after all;  and that's how it's been since the beginning of time. So, what's there to it then?

Nothing. There's nothing to it; save the fact that there are people who quite very often end up having higher opportunity costs...

You're reading a post written by one.

Expendable me

Lack of consideration - aaj ke ghamoun ke akhbaar ki surkhi.
I feel so dispensable. And well, let's face it - it is a truth; the truth. I wish it wasn't.
But I wish for so many things... *flicks her wrist at herself* Who cares!

Looked out the window a while ago to find a little furball frolicking around.

*sighs*

I miss Lizzie so much. Why did she have to go? It breaks my heart...

Jis ne apne khoon se aalam ko dhoya, woh Hussain (AS)

Hussain jis ki sad'a, la illa ha illallah.

Hussain jis ki san'a, la illa ha illallah.

Hussain jis ki dua la, illa ha illallah!

De Facto

You're playing a game, that you will lose.

And, if you leave this game- you will be leaving a game that you can win.

Both the statements... are as concrete as your existence, and mine.

The darkness, that swallowed me.

Why did I ever leave you? Why? And why did you let me go, back into those murky dark waters? Or may be you didn't. No. You didn't. You didn't let me go. I was the one who left you. I slipped out my hand from your hands. My love you for wasn't strong enough. My demons were stronger. I reverted back to the darkness that still thrived in some shady corners of my heart. The darkness took over me and swallowed my love for you with it.

My eyes were weak. The darkness that had grown on to me did not allow me to see the truth; the glory; you. I was foolish. I was ignorant. I was oblivious. I was walking farther and farther away from you, without even realising it. My mind did not recognise the darkness; my demons disguised it with light. My senses refused to even notice how dreary and grey this light was. And, so I kept walking.

My heart was silent. Silent as a grave. I realised not, that it was dying. Neither did I realise this silence to be the one that there is before a storm. So, I kept walking- into obscurity.

So, I kept walking- for days, and nights. I kept walking, until I it grew harder and harder for me to breath. Alas! The oblivion. I started gasping for air soon. Suffocated. I looked around, as if absurdly trying to see the air around me. I stopped. I had to. Every single muscle I moved seemed to rob me off the last bit of oxygen left in my blood. I inhaled as deep a breath as I could have, as if intending to inhale every single molecule of oxygen that was there around me. But, to no avail. There was none.

Panic started creeping into my skin. There was no air around me. I started gasping harder, louder and louder. My legs surrendered and brought me to ground. I was suffocating, right under an open sky. My heart raced faster, I could hear every single thud it made against my chest. My vision shrank. My head ached. Warm water seeped out of my eyes; eyes that had been dry ever since eons- it seemed. I was helpless, and alone.

The grey light grew dimmer and dimmer. I felt all walls closing in on me; except that there were no walls, anywhere. Fright penetrated the depths of my heart and then... And then, I thought of you. And then and only then, I realised my hand wasn't in yours. I tilted my head to look, tracking my eyes back on the path that I took here. My pupils dilated. Was it the shock, or the darkness? But what difference did it make? One or the same thing, weren't they?

There was no path. Only a haunting void. A vaccum. My heart stopped. My head fell back on ground. There was nothing. Except darkness. Above me. Below me. To my right. To my left. In every single direction, I saw it. Enveloping me, in itself. My body lay there on the ground, still as a corpse. The only thing negating death were my eyes, weeping; my lashes, shivering along with the eyelids. I wanted to scream- I had no voice. I wanted to call your name- I had no voice. All I wanted was to scream your name, but... I had no voice.

Tolkien, others might not be... but, I am!

But, I certainly am.

Sighs.

Exams are around the corner and I'm not interested in studying. Despite this being my qualifying attempt, I've no motivation. No. Nada. I'm not really working hard. But then on a second thought, I never have. Nevertheless, I do at least try to put in some effort usually. However, I don't know what's wrong with me this time. I feel so disoriented. A little listless.

 I've had a change of heart with regards to a lot of things. I really do mean A LOT, when I say a lot. I'm not the same person I was last year, and it's kind of irritating because I've never really been good with such radical changes. 

But things change, right. Change is what connotes life, doesn't it. All of us have changed in some way or other. Let's see some illustrations: *smiles*

♠ Ally- she's farther away now then she used to be, physically and virtually as well.

♠ Sid- has plunged deeper into her lake of distress. No more happy posts from her anymore.

♠ B- is.... oh well, B has managed to remain B, I shall surmise. *smiles* He never used to blog often and, that hasn't changed much (so okay, I don't see how he has evolved- so let's just assume he hasn't!)

♠ Majworld- he's maturing at a rate faster than fast. His posts have changed from happy-go-lucky-everyday-stuff to deeper things. It sometimes makes me laugh at how closely and scrutinizingly he has started looking at things. Yes, I'm sorry majworld, but it makes me laugh. :P

So yes, we evolve with time, don't we? No surprise, if I did too, right? But... it isn't exactly what I could've ever imagined. I don't know at what point did I let go off myself, but I did. I was supposed to let go off other things but somehow I guess I let go off my own self. 

Honestly, and I don't care how cliched this sounds but, the ironic truth is that as soon as I changed.... my world turned to a perfect mirror image of my hopes and wishes. Only... it was too late. I somehow didn't want it anymore. So, it kind of doesn't matter now. *smirk*  Everything around me started falling right in its place; just that... I wasn't standing exactly where I used to before. And not to mention, my cynicism has escalated drastically. (Will write on it specifically, later sometimes).

Have I ever told you, that I don't have dreams? Dreams as in, like how people want to own a yacht (that's Gopher's dream, lol) or something else; or achieve something in life; et cetera. Yea, that sort of dreams. I can't think of any. I don't know if it's sad or what. I'm just not interested enough, so to speak. 

I was always dull and boring and, I still am. However, the only thing that's different now I guess is an added tinge of apathy and agitation.

And let me confess the most deplorable part of my (uncalled for) evolution- I have lost my connection with Him. I was a sinner, as far back as I can see myself. Never a saint, or even close. One of His worst creatures, I feel sad to admit. But there was still a connection. I feel disconnected now. My soul feels disconnected.

I want to revert back to Him. I want it so bad. I want it so bad!

So yeah, anyways. I'm going to go away now (well, I'm gonna try to), until my exams are over, and that'll be 10th June. I don't really think I'll be totally away though, because ever since the exam fever has started, loitering on blogspot seems to be the nicest thing to do. Han na, I want to do everything that doesn't spell 'S-T-U-D-Y'. Thank Lord, I've temporarily discontinued playing Crysis2. Will resume after exams though. But, I'm just concerned that Gopher would have completed it by then. *frowns* I hope not. *fingers crossed*

By the way, S made me listen to another silly song, (no, don't worry I'm not going to keep it a secret to stir curiosity this time) it's akon's chammak challo. God! What's up with songs these days? It's funny though, just the chammak challo part. It's funny because I made an inside joke out of it. But on a serious note, we need song writers, decent song writers, that is. Nevertheless, the previous song from dehli belly makes me go hahaha really! When I made my ami jani listen to it, she gave me a disgusted look as the song began. 'Aray yaaar *shakes head* isko music ki tarah mat lain iss ko mazah ke tanazur se dekhain', I protested (lol, no I didn't use either of the words mazah or tanazur. I couldn't have anyways, coz' I speak sindhi, remember silly!) *smiles* So, yes she laughed a little while listening, which means she thought it was funny too! 

Okie, I shall leave you now. You may let out a deep sigh of relieve. I know you want to. *smiles* 

Image courtesy: weheartit

Ally

You're missed.

Honest.

Evolution

Love. It isn't what it once used to be, is it?

It is a magnificent piece of literature that has lost its charm in translation.

A once-marvelous work of architecture that has lost its wonder at the hands of time. Now but a remnant suggesting a beautiful structure that once stood with all its air.

A holy scripture that has been adulterated over centuries. And now, is anything but close to its true sacred form.

A religion, once divine, recreated and corrupted by man. A religion that has been robbed off of all divinity and sanctity.

That my dear, is love as we know it.

Ab tu khulne lage maqtal bhare bazaar k beech...

Qatl chhupte they kabhi sang ki diwaar k beech
Ab to khulne lage maqtal bhare bazaar k beech

Apni poshaak k chhin jaane pe afsos na kar
Sar salaamat nahi rehte yahan dastaar k beech

Surkhiyaan amn ki talqeen mein masroof raheen
Harf baarood ugalte rahe akhbaar k beech

Jis ki choti pe basaaya tha qabeela main ne
Zalzale jaag parre hain usi kohsaar k beech

Kaash is khwab ko ta'beer ki mohlat na miley
Sho'le ugte nazar aaye mujhe gulzaar k beech

Dhalte sooraj ki tamaazat ne bikhar kar dekha
Sar-kasheeda mera saaya saf-e-ashjaar k beech

Rizq, malboos, makaaN, saans, marz, qarz, dawa
Munqasim ho gaya insaaN inhi afkaar k beech

Dekhe jaate na they aansu mere jis se Mohsin
Aaj hanste huey dekha usey aghyaar k beech

"Qatl chhupte they kabhi sang ki diwaar k beech
Ab to khulne lage maqtal bhare bazaar k beech..."

A Letter

Dear xyz,

This is to inform you that it might seem as if I am falling apart but there is a possibility- and not so remote, that this is not the case.

Another thing that I am eager to bring to your notice is that yes, I have issues to deal with but mind you, love is the least of all my problems. To tell you the truth, I doubt if it is at all one of my problems, to begin with.

Therefore, kindly do not get any ideas. Do not strain your brain. There is only a little left of it anyways.

That is going to be all for now.

Sincerely,

Ann.

A dream deferred...

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up 

like a raisin in the sun? 

Or fester like a sore-- 

And then run? 

Does it stink like rotten meat? 

Or crust and sugar over-- 

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags 

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

-Langston Hughes

Do you dream? Do you hold them close to your heart? Are your dreams the paint brushes that colour your life? Do you believe in them? Do you still?

I don't.

For me, dreams are like stars. When you are a child, you look up at them and smile. Their twinkle creates a mirror image in your eyes. You wish to touch them so that some of their shimmer might stick to your fingers and then you can brush your face gently and glitter like a star itself. But once you grow up, the truth is slapped onto you. The stars are nothing but huge spheres of very hot, glowing gases. First of all, you cannot touch them and even if you somehow do, you will burn yourself.

There is something else common between them as well. Their death. When stars die, they explode into trillions of pieces and go flying haywire in the space, hit whatever comes in their path, destroy (or damage) others; or just get lost in the eternal vastness of the universe. When dreams die, they too shatter into billion little sharp pieces. But they don't fly away, they stay put- in your eyes, and prick them, and sting them for as long as they can. They are like tiny pieces of glass stuck in your eyes. Each time you blink, they make it hurt.

Stars are just a hoax. Their shine, their twinkle lasts only as long as you are gazillions of miles away from them. They are nothing but giant burning balls, oblivious and orbit-less. They are a sham. And so are dreams.

Life's FAQ#1

Q: Mera Dimagh Itna Kharab Kion Hai?

Ans: Mera dimagh kharab hai because I have been loved... excessively and unnecessarily. 

*shrugs*

This answer forfeits every right that I thought I had to complain.

 I need to change. Not for myself, but for those who love me unconditionally. 

Eik rang mein jeena jeevan ko, ay jaan-e-tamanna theek nahi...