My head aches!

This "world" with all its entirety is plunging into utter chaos.

Chaos, I tell you.

Blissfully ignorant, are we?

Please save me and those I love, please dear God! *whispers under the breath*

Mohabbat Mar Nahin Sakti

"KION?"

Yes, that is exactly my question. Aray bhaee! Kion nahin mar sakti? Matlab mujhey koi iss baat ki mantaq sumjhaye. Iss duniya mein har cheez ko fana hai tu Mohabbat mein kya anokha hai? Mohabbat kion ker lafaani hai? Mohabbat kis khushi mein mout se mustasna hai?

Mohabbat mar sakti hai! Han! (Oh and mind you!) Mera ishara eik begharz kisam ki mohabbat ki taraf hai. Han, tu baat ye hai ke mohabbat mar sakti hai kion ke koi bhi cheez humesha baqi nahi rehti siwaye Uss ke jo har cheez ka Khaaliq hai. Ab dekhiye na, mohabbat bhi Rab ki khilqat hai. Khuda ne takhleeq kiya mohabbat ko aur bohat sarii cheezon ki tarah matlab- Mohabbat bhi makhlooq/khilqat hai! Ab jab ke insaan jo ke "ashraf-ul-makhloqaat", yani tamam makhloq se afzal, jab usay he mout se koi istasna hasil nahi tu phir yeh mohabbat kya cheez hai janab?

Hosakta hai aap ko ikhtilaf ho meri ra'ye se balke ain mumkin hai ke aapko aitraaz ho. Kijye! Bilkul kijiye, shoq se kijiye- aapko haq hasil hai. Magar mein is mein aapki koi madad nahi karsakti jab tak ke aap mujhey koi mazboot aur wazni kisam ki koi mantaq nahi paish karte.

Yeh mera "aarzi" falsafa hai. Aap apni kahiye? Mein sarapa sama'at hon. Ab aap ko aitraaz hoga ke yeh "aarzi" falsafey se meri kya murad! Tu janab, iss baat se murad yeh hai ke... Iss saray falsafey mein eik loophole hai- ab woh loophole kya hai yeh mein, bohat ma'zarat ke saath, aapko nahi bataongi. Aap ko Allah ne dimagh zahir hai istemal karne ke liye he diya hai lehaza istemal kijiye. Khair, tu iss loophole ki waja se  bilkul abhi abhi eik aur khayal mere zehan mein aya hai aur woh yeh hai ke...

Mohabbat is one of the types of energy.

And don't all of us know what the mash'hor-e-zamana law about energy is.Yes. "Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another."

You know what am I thinking now? Exactly. What does it become when mohabbat changes form?

Hmm... *shrugs*

P.S. This post is a product of sheer randomness. Please bear with me. *grins*

It makes me bleed

Watching you cripple like this. Watching you burn like this. Watching you drown like this. Watching you crumble like this. When I see the streaks of blood dripping down your face. When I see them stabbing you and ripping you into pieces. When I see you sewing your wounds again. When I see them tearing your freshly sewn wounds again. When I see you falling apart.

When I see myself looking at you. When I look around with hopeless hopes. When I find myself helpless- To heal you, to mend you, to wipe away those bloody tears, to extinguish the fire that burns you, to protect you- When I find myself powerless. When I discover that a paralysis has taken over me. When I discover that it will not let go off me.

When I see you crying out in agonizing pain. When I see myself staring at you with a misty vision. When I see you look at me with pleading eyes. When I see myself unable to alleviate your pain, your sorrows. When I see the plea in your eyes evolving into rage and despise. When I see myself turning my gaze away from you. And while I am turning my gaze away, I catch a glimpse of a smirk running across your lips. When I see my lips pursing against each other. When I see myself shutting my eyes tightly. When I turn my back towards you. When I feel your stare burning my back with abomination.

It makes me implode into a thousand little pieces- with helplessness, with pain, with sorrow, with shame.

Each splinter piercing deeper and deeper through my flesh, through my soul.

Until it makes me bleed.

(May Allah forgive those who died in the crash and may He provide those who mourn them with sabr-e-jameel. May their souls rest in peace- Ameen)

15th Sha'baan

Kabhi aye haqeeqat-e-muntazr nazar aa libas-e-majaz mein
Ke hazaron sajde tarap rahe hain meri jabeen-e-niyaz mein...

Wiladat-e-Qaim-e-Aal-e-Mohammad(SAWW), Imam Mehdi Akhir uz Zamaan(AS) mubarak..

What is in a name...?

Phoolan Devi?

F-16?

RPG?

Who me?

Hahaha.

Hum gard-e-safar, hum naqsh-e-kadam...

"Sometimes you run away only to see who is running after you..."

So you too, my dear, ran away. But no one followed. Nobody ran after you to stop you. But you kept running, hoping against hopes. You kept running because you were afraid to stop by and look back- only to find the dusty trail left by your own sorry self. You kept running until your knees refused to move you any further. You kept running until your lungs refused to spare you even a quarter of  a breath. You kept running until your heart could not beat any harder. You kept running until there was not a single bit of oxygen left in your body to spare. And then- you stopped. Your knees protested against your weight, gave up and you fell to the ground. You felt a line of a searing liquid trickling down your face and vanishing into the dusty ground. Someone spoke inside in a whisper, wanting to take a chance, wanting to look back only to find someone behind you. You scolded the meek voice that rose its head and the whisper scurried away. There was silence now. A deathly silence , that prevailed. All of a sudden, the same whisper rose again. And then another and another until there was a deafening cacophony of whispers. You covered your ears to shut out the dissonance only to find out that the noise came from not outside but from within your own self. You screamed with all that was left of you in an attempt to crush the noise inside. And you failed. Your scream sounded nothing but like a feeble mumble that was never meant to be heard. You felt the damp warmth on your face again and soon the dust on your face had been washed away by your tears. You did not want to look back because you knew. You knew that looking back would turn you into stone- just as in those Alif Laila Tales you once heard. However, you did not have any other option, did you? You had to look back. You body refused to carry you any further. The screaming whispers had now turned into sharp shrills that pierced your soul and the only way to stop them was to look back. So, you looked back. To your surprise, you did not turn into a stone. You focused your gaze to the view that long awaited you. Your tears had blurred your sight so you wiped your eyes with the back of your hand and tried to focus again. And you saw.

What did you see, my precious? What did you see?

*************************************

Hum Gard-E-Safar Hum Naqsh-E-Kadam 

Hum Soz-E-Talab Hum Tarz-E-Fugaa'n 

Hum Ranj-E-Chaman Hum Fasl-E-Khizaa'n 

Hum Hairat-O-Hasrat Yaas-O-Alam 

Hum Dasht-E-Junuun K Soda'ee 

Ye Dasht-E-Junuun Ye Pagalpan 

Ye Pecha Kerti Ruswa'e 

Ye Ranj-O-Alam Ye Huzn-O-Malaal 

Ye Nala-E-Shab Ye Soz-E-Kamaal 

Dil Mein Kahin Benaam Chuban 

Aur Hadd-E-Nazar Tak Tanha'i 

Hum Dasht-E-Junuun K Soda'ee 

Ab Jaan Humari Chotay Bhi 

Ya Dasht-E-Junuun Hi Thak Jaye 

Jo Roh-O-Badan Ka Rishta Tha 

Ka'ee Saal Hoye Wo Toot Gaya 

Ab Dil Ka Dharakna Ruk Jaye 

Ab Saans Ki Dori Tootay Bhi 

Hum Dasht-E-Junuun K Soda'ee

Metamorphosis

And the smile grew deeper and deeper until it became a sneer. And then the sneer nestled on those lips permanently- as permanent as the pale scarlet hues of those lips.

My halwa and me

I made halwa today, for niyaaz. *grins* For the first time, I must add.

And it was a delectable delight, I am glad everyone liked it.

My mehnat ka phal... err..or should I say 'halwa'

Umm... Actually it was supposed to be a brighter shade of green but I cooked it a tad bit too much so.... the food colour isn't much to be blamed. Hehe. However, it turned out to be yummy-licious! And by the way, making this made me feel happy from the inside. So, I guess being happy isn't that hard, huh? *smiles* Anyways, now that my halwa has passed the delectability test , ami jani suggests I should make it again on the 15th Shahbaan. Insha'Allah! 

Abbas-e-ba-wafa teri midhat mein kya likhon..

Chun Li Khayal Ne Jo Azal Se Ali(AS) Ki "Ain"
"Bay" Bizat-e-Rasool(SAWW) Ki Ismat Ka Zaib-o-Zain
Alhamd Ke "Alif" Ka Sirapa Dilon Ka Chayn
Wal Ins Ki Yeh "Seen" Ye Nutq-e-Dil Hussain(AS)
Har Harf Kaainat Ka Akkas Ban Gaya
Dekha Jo Ghor Kar Ke Tu Abbas(AS) Ban Gaya...

Wiladat-e-Moula Abul Fazl Abbas Alamdar Shehanshah-e-Wafa (AS) Mubarak..

Shah Ast Hussain(AS)

Afzal Hai Kul Jahan Se Gharana Hussain(AS) Ka,
Nabiyon Ka Tajdar Hai Nana Hussain(AS) Ka,
Ek Pal Ki Thi Bas Hukumat Yazid Ki,
Sadiyan Hussain(AS) Ki Hain, Zamana Hussain(AS) Ka...

Wiladat-e-Moula Hussain(AS) Mubarak

Roh-e-Azaa'n Hai Baap Tu Beta Namaz-e-Dee'n
Masjid Ali(AS) Ki Hai Tu Mussal'a Hussain(AS) Ka
Jageer-e-Kibriya Hui Taqseem Is Tarah
Kaa'ba Ali(AS) Ka, Arsh-e-Mo'ala Hussain(AS) Ka..

A Letter

Dear xyz,

This is to inform you that it might seem as if I am falling apart but there is a possibility- and not so remote, that this is not the case.

Another thing that I am eager to bring to your notice is that yes, I have issues to deal with but mind you, love is the least of all my problems. To tell you the truth, I doubt if it is at all one of my problems, to begin with.

Therefore, kindly do not get any ideas. Do not strain your brain. There is only a little left of it anyways.

That is going to be all for now.

Sincerely,

Ann.

Lying flat on the cold waters of longings, I am staring at the gray sky- with an empty gaze. My body still, my hands stretched out. Like a lifeless object drifting on the water surface, I am drifting pointlessly. I might as well be dead. However, the rare blink of my eyes suggests otherwise. I lie still- and lifeless. Let the gentle waves drift me in whichever direction they please. I will not protest. I will not. No.

Twist

My story is a tad bit different from you. It has a twist. A twist that even the most imaginative of all fancies will strain to  fathom.

Broken glass

No matter how happy you might feel at a time. There will always be little shards of broken glass lying in some solitary corners of your heart that will prick you every so often and remind you of their existence.

And what really are these shiny but piercing little pieces of glass, you ask? Are you sure you don't already know the answer, my dear?

Garmi Ne Kebab Bana Diya Hai...

Read that in a Pathan-like accent. Haha.

I like pathans. They are cute. Especially their dialect. And then they use these weird words that other people usually don't, like "Zalim", "Zakhmi", et cetera. I remember Zafar bhai (our once-upon-a-time driver) once saying something to a chowkidar in Pashtu, the only words that my brain could register and process were "zalim garmi", while sitting at the back seat of the car at that time, I wanted to burst out in giggles.   :)

So, today I went to a local bazaar, a  Friday Bazaar.  My mother was going so I went along with her despite the scorching heat. Haye Allah! Don't ask kitni garmi thi. I am not a big shopping fan but I went anyway- had nothing better to do. But the garmi.. Uff! I could literally feel drops of sweat dripping down my skin. Eww, sick. I am giving out too much detail, no? Lol. Anyways, so it was at this bazaar that I heard a Pathan vendor say to himself, "Haye! Garmi ne kebab bana diya hai.." I liked what he said, hence the title. Hahah.  Then there was this other vendor who heard us talking to each other in Sindhi and started talking to us in sindhi as well . My mouth nearly dropped open. Lol. I looked at him closely to see if he really did look like a Pathan. Then, he told us that his nani is (or was, I am not sure) a Sindhi. Trust me, he sounded very awesome, speaking Sindhi with a Pashtu accent. *chuckles*


Mhmm... Yes, I am back to my senses. I have no idea what had gotten into me that night. Nothing especial really happened, it was not because of someone or anyone. It was just me feeling a little, err... feeling a little... I don't know, weird might be the word. I just typed down everything that was on my mind and now that I read it for the first time after publishing it, I feel lame. *curls toes* This blog is becoming more of a personal diary. o_0 I have started scribbling my thoughts down as blog posts in their most raw form. Sighs.

So, yes. Sidra was right. I needed to get out of the house. Breathe in some fresh air. I was brain dead, perhaps and needed more oxygen. And so, I decided to go to take the today's swimming lesson. I had already been bunking the previous two classes. *passes a sheepish smile* C'mon. I was tired. I sometimes, only sometimes, find it hard to wake up early bhaee. I finally completed the whole lap in one go doing freestyle.  *Wohoo* Swimming is fun. It keeps me distracted- for two hours atleast. No, actually more because after swimming I am so tired I have no idea how the day passes. I am amazed how I have made a pretty good amount of friends at the pool. Me? Making friends? Now that is a surprise. By the way, to tell you a fact, people find me haughty at first sight. Can you believe it? I have NO idea why. There is a line between being reserved and being arrogant. A thin line, although. I am sorry, I do not like socializing so much. You cannot kill me for that now, can you? *smiles*

I love water. But open waters scare me.

You know what else scares me? Mhmm.. We will talk about that some other time, may be...  

I am feeling very weird right now. I have not felt this way since a very very long time. I cannot recall when was the last time when I felt the same way. I am feeling sick. Yes, sick. I don't know what is wrong with me all of a sudden. I don't know what I want. I don't know so many things. I am having this khichri of thoughts being cooked in my head. Strange resonance. Long forgotten echoes. Different dialogues by different people are banging against the walls of head. I am not able to put in words what I am going through right now. I am failing to understand what is it that I want. I am failing to uphold myself. I am feeling open. Exposed. Vulnerable. I feel as if I have exposed myself to damages. I am feeling weak. A swarm of rebellious thoughts have broken into my mind for no reason, without any sort of stimulus. I am feeling insignificant. What am I? Who am I? Where is my place? I want to go away somewhere far far away from here. Some place where I will be away from all of you. So that I do not have to listen to your excuses, your reasons and your alibis for being away from me. So that I do not have to hear any of that. So that I do not have to force myself to believe in those alibis despite knowing how weak they are. I want to get lost in the vastness of this universe so that none of you can find me. So that I can never blame any of you for not understanding me. So that I have no one to complain. I am losing my mind, I think. I am failing to understand my own self so how is it that I so easily blame others for not understanding something that even I cannot comprehend at times. This is gibberish. I have waited the entire day for the match to start and now that nearly half the game has passed, I am still sitting here writing something that makes no sense to my own self. Sighs. I am just going to go now.

Jal-Thal

I lied.

I still love you

I was not sure anymore but today when it came again. I had to accept and surrender in front of it. I suppose I was just mad at it for being gone for so long. I suppose I was just very angry at it for not missing me. For not having time for me. For meeting others. For making them laugh and giggling with them, while I passed my days and nights watching the clear skies and lamenting over it. I suppose I was mad at it for leaving me on my own and turning a blind eye towards me. For being inconsiderate to the fact that I was yearning for it to come and pour on me until every inch of my existence was drenched in it. I was just angry. My anger had blurred my view and all I could see was my anguish and my feelings against it.

It came yesterday. It came before that too. But it did not matter to me. As the beads of water falling down on the ground caught my eye I turned my gaze away. I felt disinterested. The raindrops tapped on my window but I refused to listen. I rather found more fascination in staring at a blank wall than paying any attention to the noise of the rain. Yes, it sounded noise to my ears. There was no song anymore. It kept calling my name for a while then perhaps discouraged by my indifference, it went away. A smirk embraced my lips. "So that was it, uh? That was all you got? Gave up so soon?"

This peekaboo played by the rain made the weather a bit more heavy. It grew hotter and  suffocating. The land was venting out its heat.

I needed a vent too. I felt frustrated too. The clouds came once again yesterday. The rain made a touchdown once again. It tried appeasing me but I maintained my "rootha howa sanam" stance. I wanted it to try a little harder. Deep down I had a fear sitting in a corner of my heart with knees drawn to the chest and with arms clenching the legs tightly. Afraid that probabaly I was pushing a little too much over the edge. Afraid that it might stop trying altogether and leave me again- for good, perhaps. The cocoon that I had created around myself had started cracking already. It was only a matter of a few more knocks and I would have come out of it. But what if the knocking stops before the shell breaks open. And as I feared, the tappings stopped. There is only a certain limit against which you can push others. The anguish started encircling me again.

Then came today, I had no hopes of it coming back. But for some reason it did. It came and returned triumphant. Today it came with an adamant attitude. It poured and poured. It roared louder and louder. I had to give in. I gave in. After all, there is only a certain limit against which you can push yourself too. And as I gave in, it seemed to smile at me. The raindrops kissed all over my face as one kisses a beloved on seeing him/her after a long long time. I smiled at its madness too. "So the feeling was mutual, I see.." I laughed.

After a good enough spell of rain, the land has cooled down and now seems in bliss. The downpour has washed the dust off the roads, houses, buildings, trees- and hearts. The brisk breeze stops by every now and then and whispers something in my ears and paints a smile across my lips.

Yes, I lied. I still love you, dear rain.

Bored. You see my all-over-the-place blog entries. Yupe, that is boredom. I am writing nirri bakwaas and nothing but. Hardly two weeks have passed since the exams got over and I have started having boredom attacks. And I am planning to take the December session off. The whole six months. Yeah, right. *rolling eyes* My imagination is a complete wacko! I imagine things beyond imagination. Sooch hai aapki! By the way, these days I am adoring this phrase "sooch hai aapki". I want to say it at the end of each and every sentence I utter. *chuckles* Just received a text message from F. She was asking if I had got hurt after the last night's fall. God! I tripped in front of everybody.... Ufff! I should stop making a fool out of myself in front of everybody. But it is making me laugh now. Lol. 

I have asked Bhaijaan to get me a pair of turtles. He thought I was joking and hence was not taking me seriously. Ami jani is not allowing me to have kittens at any cost and actually neither will Papa jani. He too keeps telling me to STAY AWAY from furry animals. Allergies, Huh! I have told my little sister Z. to make sure to get a note signed from whomever that I will be married to saying that I will be allowed to keep kittens. This will be a precondition to my acceptance of their proposal. *smiles*  So anyways, as the possibility of getting kittens now is becoming remote and remote-er I am thinking of turtles now. I'll name one as Messi and the other as Kaka. Uh, what if one is a female? o_0 Oops! Have not thought about that. I think I will also buy a pair of gold fish. One named Rafa and the other Federer. Heheheh. Khair, finally I have managed BJ to understand that I am serious. I asked him to go check turtles out in the Empress Market. He went there. He cursed me for sending him there. It stinks. Hahaha. He wants me to come with him and buy the turtles myself. He thinks I ask too many questions and so proposed that instead of asking him I should ask the pet shop walay people. I can't go to the Empress Market!!!!

I want to sleep. Goodnight. I am feeling funny. Ah, whatever. Goodnight!

Once upon a time..

"I loved rain too, once upon a time. I am not very sure anymore... "

It rained. But it did not matter to me. This time it was just drops of water falling off the sky. A mere weather phenomenon.

My life was never multi-coloured. It has been in monochrome for a long time now except for some stray splashes of colours that spill over from different people and their lives. However, it does not bother me except but when I think of you. You have painted your life with brightest colours so much so that when I look at you my eyes hurt, they sting. Whereas, when I look back at myself, whatever I see is almost always in grayscale.

Sighs.

I am getting tired of my fake pledges. Every other week I repeat to myself, "It should not matter to me... I should stop doing this or that... blah blah and more such blah". Nevertheless, every other week I witness a repeat telecast of the same dramas with the same climaxes that I have watched for about a thousand and a half times. Perhaps, I secretly hope and pray that may be, just may be, this time all this will end differently. In vain. This time as well I want to tell myself, "Listen you! You will not do this again." But I cannot find enough courage in me.

My tragedy is that my feelings are locked in a box whose keys were never given to me. My tragedy, my dear, is that my justifications are never good enough. My tragedy, my dear, is that no matter how groundless your reasons are they are always good enough. My tragedy, my dear, is that my words are delivered from my fingers only. My tragedy, my dear, is that my tongue refuses to cater to my words. My tragedy, my dear, is that even when I am right, you coax me into believing otherwise. My tragedy, my dear, is you.

I am not wrong but I am unable to prove myself right. And as far as I have experienced, you are not innocent until proved guilty. You are guilty until proved innocent. It does not matter how loud I scream my innocence out. I need an alibi - that is good enough. Where will I ever get an alibi that is better than yours? Nowhere.

I wish you knew how tired I am. I am tired of being wrong. I am tired of being sorry. I am tired. And so is the reader.

Seriously??

"... It should not matter what I do, whatever I do you should just keep on playing your part... "

Another Looong Day *Yawns*

Phew! The days finally over. It was 22nd Rajab so the Koonday and all. I love Koonday, they are my favourite kind of niyaaz/nazar. Had loads of fun Masha'Allah however, it was pretty tiring. Everybody in the family had the niyaaz at their places mama, Aunta and us. Went to Aunta's place pretty late (after their official time was over). My Aunta's home used to be the only place other than home that I loved being at.  It still is (I guess). Things change.

How I wish everything could go back to the way it used to be. Sighs. Not that I do not like the way things are now. They are good. But not as good as they used to be. I think I should stop living in my past and accept what present has to offer. I need to stop comparing things in time.  All of us have grown out of our clothes. I need to start liking our new clothes. They ain't that bad after all. Snap out of it Ann. *Looks up in the sky and secretly whispers under the breath* Alhumdolillah.

Anyways, so as usual I embarrassed myself once again. It is becoming a chronic habit, you see. :) I tripped off my feet in  a drawing room full of people at Aunta's place. My heel caught up in the threads of the rug and I.... I will leave the rest to your imagination. Why oh why does it always have to happen at Aunta's place only. I have no idea how did I manage to save myself and plus mama held me instantly which kind of saved me from any kind of damages. Bhabhi says, "Nazar utar lena apni, itni pyaari lag rahi thi.." Ami jani  seems to agree with her. Hahaha. Yes, Yes, Allah Sa'iin acted pretty generously while he made me, I know. *smiles*

Falling isn't bad. But falling in front of so many people is bad bad bad. Especially, that one person in front of whom I unintentionally become so conscious. I would have rather preferred dying instead of tripping in front of that one person. Sighs. Anyways, I escaped out of the room and then I told F. and my sister my chronicles. Later when everybody was going into the dining room they started asking me questions again. "Are you okay?" "You aright?" "Kya howa?" Blah blah and more blah. I couldn't take it and my eyes started filling up with the God forsaken salty water again. Uh! The stupid tears. Thanks God B. was sitting beside me so she hugged me and said a few little things to make me giggle a little. I love her. :)

Anyways, Never mind. :) Aall izz welll.. I am stuffed (or not), actually *smiles sheepishly* I am feeling a little hungry right now. I know, I know, I shouldn't. But I am. *smiles*

A Series of Unfortunate Events.. :(

Argentina..... *breaks out in sobs* YOU FOOLS!!! Why oh why?? *weeps*

First goes Brazil... Then you guys... Thank God Spain made it (marginally, huh)... Warna tu I would have had a nervous breakdown.

Bad times.. Even Federer was knocked out... Lets see what happens to Nadal. He'll not disappoint me, I am sure. ;)

Edited:
P.S. I really do not have anything (interesting) to blog about these days. Umm... There are, although, a few little blobs jumping up and down inside my head. Lets see if I can shape those blobs into words anytime soon.