Jal-Thal

I lied.

I still love you

I was not sure anymore but today when it came again. I had to accept and surrender in front of it. I suppose I was just mad at it for being gone for so long. I suppose I was just very angry at it for not missing me. For not having time for me. For meeting others. For making them laugh and giggling with them, while I passed my days and nights watching the clear skies and lamenting over it. I suppose I was mad at it for leaving me on my own and turning a blind eye towards me. For being inconsiderate to the fact that I was yearning for it to come and pour on me until every inch of my existence was drenched in it. I was just angry. My anger had blurred my view and all I could see was my anguish and my feelings against it.

It came yesterday. It came before that too. But it did not matter to me. As the beads of water falling down on the ground caught my eye I turned my gaze away. I felt disinterested. The raindrops tapped on my window but I refused to listen. I rather found more fascination in staring at a blank wall than paying any attention to the noise of the rain. Yes, it sounded noise to my ears. There was no song anymore. It kept calling my name for a while then perhaps discouraged by my indifference, it went away. A smirk embraced my lips. "So that was it, uh? That was all you got? Gave up so soon?"

This peekaboo played by the rain made the weather a bit more heavy. It grew hotter and  suffocating. The land was venting out its heat.

I needed a vent too. I felt frustrated too. The clouds came once again yesterday. The rain made a touchdown once again. It tried appeasing me but I maintained my "rootha howa sanam" stance. I wanted it to try a little harder. Deep down I had a fear sitting in a corner of my heart with knees drawn to the chest and with arms clenching the legs tightly. Afraid that probabaly I was pushing a little too much over the edge. Afraid that it might stop trying altogether and leave me again- for good, perhaps. The cocoon that I had created around myself had started cracking already. It was only a matter of a few more knocks and I would have come out of it. But what if the knocking stops before the shell breaks open. And as I feared, the tappings stopped. There is only a certain limit against which you can push others. The anguish started encircling me again.

Then came today, I had no hopes of it coming back. But for some reason it did. It came and returned triumphant. Today it came with an adamant attitude. It poured and poured. It roared louder and louder. I had to give in. I gave in. After all, there is only a certain limit against which you can push yourself too. And as I gave in, it seemed to smile at me. The raindrops kissed all over my face as one kisses a beloved on seeing him/her after a long long time. I smiled at its madness too. "So the feeling was mutual, I see.." I laughed.

After a good enough spell of rain, the land has cooled down and now seems in bliss. The downpour has washed the dust off the roads, houses, buildings, trees- and hearts. The brisk breeze stops by every now and then and whispers something in my ears and paints a smile across my lips.

Yes, I lied. I still love you, dear rain.