The unravelling

I feel so sore. Everything and anything seems to succeed in making an impact, somehow.

I reckon there's only a little while left before I start disintegrating into tiny fragments. Fragments that shall be the telltales of my anguish, ambivalence, angst, and agony; my once-upon-a-time existence.

For whatever it's worth

I've become weak, very weak and fragile and, it occurred to me only lately. I have lost most of my strength; the edge that I once had. I was a fighter once. I'm not anymore (Although, I'd like to believe otherwise).  Frankly speaking, I've lost the intensity, the indomitability. I may still appear very firm but believe me when I say, it's a hoax; a sham.

I've lost myself- lost myself in time.

When people used to shout at me, I used to shout back at them with double force. And now, at times, when someone shouts at me, I look into their eyes with disbelief. I neither find the willingness nor the ability to shout back. I merely stare at them for a moment, hoping their lips would move in an apology or a half (which rarely happens, though). Something snaps inside me and tells me to walk away. And, walk away, I do.

Walking away- and who would have though AH, you could learn to walk away? Ha.

I don't know who needs me or not, anymore. I cannot even shrug everything off saying, 'To hell with everything, I'll live my own life'. Because, I cannot. I cannot live my own life. I don't even have my own life. I've sewn my life in an intricate web. I'm so hopelessly dependent upon others that I cannot imagine a life without them. If they aren't there; I'm not here. I cannot just let them go. And, I don't have to anyways. Nobody has asked me too. I'm just being a jerk and that's about it.

I'm not bad. I'm not an awful person. I am sick of telling myself how awful, how bad, a person I am. Because, I'm not.  And, I need someone to tell me this. Someone- but not just anyone. I don't need random people (friends and acquaintances) telling me how good I am. Because, I don't care what they've to say. Because, it doesn't matter.

I am tired, really. Tired of all the running I've been doing lately. I cannot match my pace with life anymore. It's too fast for me. My lungs are running out of air now. I know I would have to continue running to catch up with life but, I don't want to run. I want to walk, with steady steps. I'm in no hurry to catch up with everyone, with the world. I don't like this world, anyways. It's a little too strikingly coloured for my taste, you see.

I have no idea what is this all about. It doesn't make any sense to me and so, shouldn't make any to you either. This is gibberish; and that too, an incoherent one.

I'm absurd. Outrightly. No doubts.

Presages

Do you not see?

These are omens, bad omens.

Open your eyes. Open your mind. For God's sake.

And she will be loved...

Behis'si thi ke mere zabt ka andaaz tha yeh

Muztarib tha bhi agar, mein kabhi barham tou na tha

I wish I could've said this sher  for myself but well, that's way out of question. In my case, barhami depends exponentially on the iztiraab. This couplet, nevertheless, opened a new door for me. Not a door that unveils the secrets of the lost city of Atlantis or some X-files from A-51 or the location of Holy Grail, for that matter. No. Nothing as such. What lies behind this door is a fact that's so obvious that it never grasped my attention, until now. 

Anyhow, yesterday S. was listening to Maroon 5's "She will be loved". (Hayye. I've always loved this song) I was lying beside her in ami's room and, something struck me about this song for the first time. I suddenly wished to find someone who'd catch me every time I fall. Yes, every time. I wished that every time I fall, someone would shake his/her head in disapproval and yet, reach out for my hand and pick me up. I won't mind a little scolding either. *insert a wide and a very dheet smile here* I'll persist on falling, though. 

I don't want to change. I know I am not good. I am so so so bad. I know. People have said this to me enough times to make me believe this. Which again, by the way, brings me to this empty wrapper of Dove's Promises that is lying in front of me. I have no idea which of the two monsters ate it and left the wrapper here but had I been superstitious I would have taken this as an omen of some kind. *smiles* You want to know what the message on its inside says? It says, Never let others' opinion change the way you feel about yourself. Uhh...But it's a little too late already. I have changed a lot; for the ones I love. However, somehow I'm still work-in-progress.

Umm... I have a lot to say. The rants don't end here. Oh no, they don't! *chuckles* 

Why yes, I am feeling fine..

I am feeling a little disoriented. I need to get myself busy, I suppose. But then, I do not believe that would help much. No matter how busy I am, I almost always get time to put myself on pause and mull over things. And then there are people who don't have time. Ha. Do you want to know one kind of excuse that ticks me off? Never tell me, you 'didn't get time'. Tell me anything, and I will welcome your excuses with a smile. Just never tell me that.  So anyways, I am assuming getting busy won't work for me.

I am not sad, you see. There isn't any reason to feel sad, not really. And about feeling happy, I cannot say much. I don't know, probably I am swaying somewhere in between the two. Although, most probably I am supposed to be feeling sad. I should be found around wearing a thick blanket of despair. But, I am not. And may be, this is what that is actually irritating me. Not feeling woeful when actually I should be. I feel apathetic. Indifferent. And I am not liking it. I have always longed for indifference and now that it has come to me, I feel smothered in its tight hug. I am just irritated. I will be fine soon, Insha'Allah. I know. I will be fine. However, I have always wondered what 'fine' is? 'I am feeling fine'. How do you feel when you 'feel fine'? I don't really think 'feeling fine' is an emotion. You can either feel happy or sad or something of that sort but 'fine'- I am not sure. If some one asks me how am I feeling now. I'd say, 'Why, thank you. I am feeling fine".

I had fun last night, you know. Eeman, Amnah and the very badmaash little Hamza. Oh! I love them. They are the cutest little things. All three of them are in such contrast with each other. Total 'udham', I tell you. *smiles*

I wish I was a person who looked at the bright side of things. They call it 'optimism', yeah? Whatever that is! *dull smile*

I had the interview(s). That's another interesting story, you know. I will tell you, may be in a day or two. I don't feel like writing right now.

Good day!

And again.....

It's happening again. Damn it. It's happening all over again! But I tried so hard this time... Huh.

Jal-Thal

I lied.

I still love you

I was not sure anymore but today when it came again. I had to accept and surrender in front of it. I suppose I was just mad at it for being gone for so long. I suppose I was just very angry at it for not missing me. For not having time for me. For meeting others. For making them laugh and giggling with them, while I passed my days and nights watching the clear skies and lamenting over it. I suppose I was mad at it for leaving me on my own and turning a blind eye towards me. For being inconsiderate to the fact that I was yearning for it to come and pour on me until every inch of my existence was drenched in it. I was just angry. My anger had blurred my view and all I could see was my anguish and my feelings against it.

It came yesterday. It came before that too. But it did not matter to me. As the beads of water falling down on the ground caught my eye I turned my gaze away. I felt disinterested. The raindrops tapped on my window but I refused to listen. I rather found more fascination in staring at a blank wall than paying any attention to the noise of the rain. Yes, it sounded noise to my ears. There was no song anymore. It kept calling my name for a while then perhaps discouraged by my indifference, it went away. A smirk embraced my lips. "So that was it, uh? That was all you got? Gave up so soon?"

This peekaboo played by the rain made the weather a bit more heavy. It grew hotter and  suffocating. The land was venting out its heat.

I needed a vent too. I felt frustrated too. The clouds came once again yesterday. The rain made a touchdown once again. It tried appeasing me but I maintained my "rootha howa sanam" stance. I wanted it to try a little harder. Deep down I had a fear sitting in a corner of my heart with knees drawn to the chest and with arms clenching the legs tightly. Afraid that probabaly I was pushing a little too much over the edge. Afraid that it might stop trying altogether and leave me again- for good, perhaps. The cocoon that I had created around myself had started cracking already. It was only a matter of a few more knocks and I would have come out of it. But what if the knocking stops before the shell breaks open. And as I feared, the tappings stopped. There is only a certain limit against which you can push others. The anguish started encircling me again.

Then came today, I had no hopes of it coming back. But for some reason it did. It came and returned triumphant. Today it came with an adamant attitude. It poured and poured. It roared louder and louder. I had to give in. I gave in. After all, there is only a certain limit against which you can push yourself too. And as I gave in, it seemed to smile at me. The raindrops kissed all over my face as one kisses a beloved on seeing him/her after a long long time. I smiled at its madness too. "So the feeling was mutual, I see.." I laughed.

After a good enough spell of rain, the land has cooled down and now seems in bliss. The downpour has washed the dust off the roads, houses, buildings, trees- and hearts. The brisk breeze stops by every now and then and whispers something in my ears and paints a smile across my lips.

Yes, I lied. I still love you, dear rain.

Indifference- The ebbs and flows

Like the waves of an ocean, it came and tickled my feet. The sensation travelled up my body and to my soul. It permeated me with a surge of an unknown emotion. Was it really unknown, now? Or was it just long-forgotten? An acquaintance who chose to remain a stranger. Serenity. *smirks*

Like the waves of an ocean, it refluxed away from me and with it, took away many a little grains of sand from under my feet. Took away the stranger, the serenity.

I waited for the next wave to flow towards me and they did, one after the other. But it never came back again. What tickled my feet now was just plain salt water. The only sensation that registered with me now was icy chilliness. The stranger was gone. Gone yet again.

Less-ness...

I am feeling clue-LESS. The bitterness seems end-LESS. You seem hope-LESS. My anger, my aguish seem fruit-LESS. Everything seems meaning-LESS. Period.

A puppet show

I am tired. Scared. Sick.

Of a world where everything is made up of brick and mortar- and that is it. A world where people are nothing but clay puppets. Their desires pulling their strings. Inanimate objects manipulated by their desires and self-interest.

I check myself for any similar strings attached. I find none.

I am disappointed. Life would have been so much easier that way.

I wish to be a puppet too. A clay puppet, like you.

Mariz-e-Muhabbat

Unadorned days and unembellished nights. Life is back to "normal" again. The pain has subsided and the tears have dried up. I suppose, we have learnt to deal with our "selves". I suppose, we have come to terms with the hide and seek our woes and happiness have been playing with us. We had to. Eventually. 

Irada Tha Tar'ke Muhabbat Ka Lekin
Faraib-e-Tabassum Mein Phir Aa Gaye Hum
Abhi Kha Kay Thokar Sanbhalne Na Paye
Ke Phir Khayee Thokhar Sanbhalte Sanbhalte

So, this time I decided to dive into the river of indifference earlier than usual. Indifference is my only shield against this world and "my own self". It is always my last resort. I needed a distraction. But any and every mundane affair of life was not proving to be enough.

Aray Koi Wadaa Khilafee Ki Had Hai
Hisaab Apne Dil Mein Laga Kar Tou Dekho
Qayamat Ka Din Aa Gaya Rafta Rafta
Mulaqaat Ka Din Badalte Badalte

In one of my previous posts, I was suggested in a comment by Ubaid to revert to music. I told him it made me nostalgic which, by the way is exactly what it makes me feel. But then last night as I was listening to FM, I realised I was listening to all the wrong genres of music. I had to turn to the kind of music which suited my mood but was anti-depressing simultaneously. And voilà! I found exactly the right stuff.

Unhein Khat Mein Likha Keh Dil Muztarib Hai
Jawab Unka Aaya Ke Mohabbat Na Karte
Tumhein Dil Lagane Ko Kis Nay Kaha Thaa
Behel Jayega Dil Behalte Behalte

I have also realised that what is killing me (or "trying endlessly" to kill me) is something within my self. It is not a novel discovery though, I have known this for quite a long time now. For the sake of pin pointing the culprit, I must admit that it is my "expectations" that have been stabbing me. And my oh my! Do they know where to stab me to make me wail my heart out. Cruel things, I tell you. I have also often wondered why do I feel a sudden sting in my eyes. Then I realised that they are the hopes that came crashing down and shattered into a thousand minute splinters and smash into my eyes every now and then.

Hamein Apne Dil Ki To Parvah Nahin Hai 
Magar Darr Raha Hoon Yeh Kamsin Ki Zidd Hai
Kahin Paaye Naazuk Mein Moach Aa Na Jaye
Dil-e-sakht Jaan Ko Masalte Masalte

I have to confess. I am my own enemy.  I should slay my own expectations before they slay me. You know, people do mistakes and then blame it on others. But my tragedy is the fact that I have no one to blame but myself. Technically speaking, people have not hurt me much. I wound my own self. Only and if only, I could contain my expectations, I could be content. It is not that hard.

Woh Mehmaan Humare Huwe Bhi Tu Kab Tak
Hoyi Sham'a Gul Aur Na Doobe Sitarey
Qamar Kis Qadr Unko Jaldi Thi Ghar Ki
Woh Ghar Chal Diye Chandni Dhalte Dhalte

It is not that easy either. I am obsessed. I am possessive. I am touchy. I am irascible. How many broken ends will I mend? How many wreckages will I repair? How many fractures will I plaster? How many ugly scars will conceal under my masks? How many lesions will I bandage? How many wounds will I heal? How many glitches will I fix?

Mariz-e-Muhabbat Unheen Ka Fasana

Sunata Raha Dam Nikalte Nikalte
Magar Zikre Sham-e-Alum Jab Ke Aaya

Charagh-e-Sehar Bujh Gaya Jalte Jalte

Oh forget it! To hell with my whimpering.  It is just that..... Munni Begum is so awesome!! =)

Life and other disasters

I need a distraction.... from life itself. 

My love, my dearest

When will you learn? When will you ever learn? When will you ever learn my precious, when to stop fighting?

Look around. What do you see? Save, corpses of your brutally murdered army- innumerable pieces of shattered faith, hopes and dreams? In this blood smeared battle field, you stand alone. All alone.

Look at yourself. What do you see? A bruised body and a bruised soul. The blood dripping from your wounds. Do you not see it? You cannot fight a battle with empty hands. The pain is ripping your soul apart but your body is numbed. It denies every blow that it has received. Denies every strike it has suffered. Denies to let go.

Look at you. How pathetic you look. How appalling. Your knees can no longer bear your burden. You arms have lost there strength. There is void in your chest where your heart once used to be. Your eyes are smeared with blood. How sick you look, my beloved, how grotesque.

Let go, my love. Let go off yourself. Seeing you, it drowns my heart in the floods of agony and misery. For the sake of my love, my love, let go. I cannot take this any longer. It hurts. It rips my heart into tiny shreds. Do not bring this unto thyself, for my sake. Fall to the ground. Surrender.

This is the end.

And this is how it ends... When you fight against... Thyself, my love, my dearest.

I am not crazy, I am just a little impaired

We might have been—these are but common words,

And yet they make the sum of life’s bewailing.

        -Letitia E. Landon

Like (or unlike) most of the people I have a habit of lamenting upon my mistakes longer than required. I do something wrong and then I spend a couple or more days thinking "what if" or "if only" I had not done it in the first place. "What if" is an excruciating prefix for any question. I punish myself even for the most trifling blunders that I may commit. I lie awake and worry about things that others might not have even noticed me doing. Others might forgive me but I just find it so hard to forgive myself. My regrets are KILLERS. I make monsters out of such petty things and they haunt not just my nights but days as well. I never let go. Perhaps, because nobody taught me to how "let go" off things/thoughts/memories. But then this is something that you learn on your own. Ah! I am one hopeless creation of God. Sighs.

Something similar happened today. It is so trivial that you might shake your head in disapproval after reading. Therefore, a word of warning for those whose time is very precious: Do not go any further, you might end up swearing at me for wasting your time. Lol. But I cannot begin to describe how mentally tedious it was for me. Saeed bhai (my driver) got a ticket for using a mobile while driving. Well, technically speaking, he was not using it while driving actually. He stopped the car at the red light and then received the call. However, it was a bad day for him. There were traffic constables standing at both ends of the road. One of them stopped him. I would like to mention something here, I have this thing against the police walas. I mean, I just do not want to have a conversation with them. I think they scare me. So, I stayed put in the back of the car while Saeed bhai tried to convince him to excuse him. Well, I obviously had the option of calling my phuppo and get things settled here. The constable would have greeted me with a Salaam and let us go. However, for some reason I did NOT do that. Saeed bhai got ticketed and I just sat there.

Everything was fine until I came back home. I realised I was pretty tensed. I told my ami what had happened and she was a little annoyed at the driver at first but then something happened to me and I suddenly said, "Ami, I should have called phuppo". I said this because I just realised how disappointed my driver looked. I also realised that the fine for using a mobile while driving is higher than the usual traffic fines. This made me sad. I started feeling bad about all of this. I started feeling bad about myself. I felt bad when I thought I could have saved these few hundreds for him, which might not have been only a "few" for him.

I spent the entire day feeling bad. My head, actually, hurt from thinking so much. I apologized to God also for not helping his creation when I could have easily. Had it really been my driver's fault I would not have been so sad about all of this. But as afore mentioned, technically speaking, it was not his fault, entirely. Nevertheless, by evening an idea had struck me which could have helped me make my heart feel lighter. I implemented it and it felt so much better afterwards. I, literally, felt lighter as if some heavy boulder had been shoved off my chest. I am feeling soooooooooooo much nicer now. Phew!

Yes! Yes! I know I am a wacko. Go on! Laugh your heads off at me or shake them in disappointment. You have no idea how depressed I was. Yes, I know "but this is SO trivial". But that's what I am trying to tell you! I have this tendency of cheezon ko sar per sawaar karlena. I self-inflict myself with worries, woes and what nots! Sighs. This was just one example. My 21(nearly) year history is crammed with such jaw-dropping examples. Hey! Are you laughing at me? Fine. Let's laugh together then!! =)

Dry Ice

I am back.

I am holding my happiness with all my might. But you know, happiness is just like grains of sand that can never be clenched inside our palm; the tighter we hold, the quicker they slip away from tiny crevices of our fist. Funny! I often wonder is it the happiness that runs away from me or is it me? I can never blame others  for adorning me with grief. For it is always I who chooses sorrow as my embellishments. I am hypersensitive. And that is what brings me, everytime, at the doorstep of misery. It's self-inflicted, I tell you. I have realised, I am too fastidious, too fractious and this makes me so volatile.

What am I?

Dry ice!!

 Highly volatile, either solid or gas, no intervening liquid form.

The only thing that stands between me and my contentment is.... I, myself. So, how do I eliminate this obstruction? Let's replace the word "obstruction" with the name of the obstruction. Here it goes: So, how do I eliminate myself? How do I remove this road block? Oh no, no! I am not being suicidal. Haha!! I need someone to heal me- heal my soul. Or as a matter of fact... My mind!! I need a psychiatrist!! Or may be I just need someone to talk to. But the dilemma I face is that I CANNOT, I repeat, CANNOT TALK to ANYONE. No matter how close someone gets to me, I can NEVER confide in them. The reason, you ask? Ha! Well, the reason, my dear is, the moment I say something I really mean, something I really feel like; people stare back at me with eyes wide open as if they doubt my sanity. They think I am a lunatic. But you know, even if I, someday, find someone who understand my  apparently insane thoughts and feelings; I still might not be able to TALK to him or her. It is probably an inherent limitation. A possible cause why I write a blog. Hmm... Anyways, here is Bulleh Shah's kalam, for some reason it is spinning round and round in my head at this moment.

Tere Ishq nachaya Kar Ke Thaiya Thaiya

Cheti aa'vin Ve Tabiba, Nahin Te Main Mar Gai'yaan

Cheti Bawdi Ve Tabiba, Nahin Te Main Mar Gai'yaan

Tere ishq ne dera mere andar kiita

BHar ke zeher payala mein te aapey piita

Jhabde bhaudi ve tabiba nahin te mein mar gai'yan

Tere Ishq nachaya Kar Ke Thaiya Thaiya

Chup gaya ve suraj bahar reh gayee aa lali,

Ve mein sadkey ho'van, deven murrje vakhali,

Peeran mein bhul gayian, terey naal na gayian

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Aes Ishq De KoloN, MenuN HaTak Na Maa'ye

Laho JaandRe BeRe, KehRa MoR Liyaa'ye

Meri Aqal Jo Bhulii, Naal MahaaniyaaN De Aayi Aa

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Aes Ishq Di Jhungi Vich Mor Bolen Da

Saanu Qibla Te Kaaba, Sohna Yaar Disenda

Saanu Ghaayal Karke Pher Khabar Na Layi'yaan

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Bullha shoh ne aaNda, menooN Anayat de boohay

jis ne menooN puv'aaye, cholay saavay te suhay

jaaN meN maari hai aDii, mil piyaa hai vahi'yaa

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Tere Ishq nachaya Kar Ke Thaiya Thaiya

I am not even going to TRY to translate this and neither will I use translations available over the web until and unless I find "the one" that's best. Translating this would take away so much from it. It will be just like getting gold polished; it can shine brighter but in reality its layers will have to be scraped off.

I write irksomely long posts, you say? Yes, correct it is. But then this is my blog, I shall do as I please. Thank you. =P