I've become weak, very weak and fragile and, it occurred to me only lately. I have lost most of my strength; the edge that I once had. I was a fighter once. I'm not anymore (Although, I'd like to believe otherwise). Frankly speaking, I've lost the intensity, the indomitability. I may still appear very firm but believe me when I say, it's a hoax; a sham.
I've lost myself- lost myself in time.
When people used to shout at me, I used to shout back at them with double force. And now, at times, when someone shouts at me, I look into their eyes with disbelief. I neither find the willingness nor the ability to shout back. I merely stare at them for a moment, hoping their lips would move in an apology or a half (which rarely happens, though). Something snaps inside me and tells me to walk away. And, walk away, I do.
Walking away- and who would have though AH, you could learn to walk away? Ha.
I don't know who needs me or not, anymore. I cannot even shrug everything off saying, 'To hell with everything, I'll live my own life'. Because, I cannot. I cannot live my own life. I don't even have my own life. I've sewn my life in an intricate web. I'm so hopelessly dependent upon others that I cannot imagine a life without them. If they aren't there; I'm not here. I cannot just let them go. And, I don't have to anyways. Nobody has asked me too. I'm just being a jerk and that's about it.
I'm not bad. I'm not an awful person. I am sick of telling myself how awful, how bad, a person I am. Because, I'm not. And, I need someone to tell me this. Someone- but not just anyone. I don't need random people (friends and acquaintances) telling me how good I am. Because, I don't care what they've to say. Because, it doesn't matter.
I am tired, really. Tired of all the running I've been doing lately. I cannot match my pace with life anymore. It's too fast for me. My lungs are running out of air now. I know I would have to continue running to catch up with life but, I don't want to run. I want to walk, with steady steps. I'm in no hurry to catch up with everyone, with the world. I don't like this world, anyways. It's a little too strikingly coloured for my taste, you see.
I have no idea what is this all about. It doesn't make any sense to me and so, shouldn't make any to you either. This is gibberish; and that too, an incoherent one.
I'm absurd. Outrightly. No doubts.
3 comments:
such feelings occur at times wen life gets bit busy nd move with a rapid pace i guess..nd may at such age and such routine, we do need someone, not random people, to tell us and may be motivate us..few people can motivate themselves or may be their work can, few need people or relation as motivation..
some need to move at steady steps and can't feel comfortable catching the pace of life..but may be that's laziness...
ignonrance is a bliss, may be u r more samajhdar now nd hence all such thinkings nd feelings..:)
its gud u don't shout back now to people :)..
'I don't like this world, anyways. It's a little too strikingly coloured for my taste, you see.' very strange..but u knw its bit same my side too :S..
gudluck with everything :)..long comment, but this post is too comprehensive but with lot of depth in it :S..
You are NOT awful, NOT a bad person.
@ majworld: It's NOT laziness! (Okay, may be. 'Just' may be. Uh. Pata nahi.) Bas I just don't wish to match my pace with the world and that's about it.
@ Anonymous: Anonymous! Anonymous! Anonymous! We shouldn't say things that we aren't certain about.
And by the way, are you shouting at me? *raises eyebrow* Because I usually use capitals when I shout (in writing).
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