Yaad-e-maazi

(This is exactly a couple of years old. I wrote this when my khala died in Feburary 2008. Just found it lying in my usb.)

O DEAR FRIEND OF MINE...

I, with my solitude, am thinking, as it is all that I can do. I am going through an intense sense of emptiness. This is really strange; something is missing. For some reason, today, I desire merely the company of my solitude. I do not want to speak or vent out my feelings; I want my thoughts to stay on this path of anguish. I know the woes lessen when shared, but I do not wish to share them. I wish to remain enclosed in the self-made shell of estrangement and loneliness. I know, my dearest, you want me to break-free from this shell of agonizing thoughts. But I am sorry, I like it otherwise; I like the agony. I like the pain and grief as they sting my heart. I do not want to smile as every single moment I force myself to smile; something snaps inside me. My sight has turned blind towards the colours of life; everything is gray from now on. The streets are crowded yet, I am alone. You walk by my side dear friend, and yet, I feel deserted. All these sounds making a cacophony and yet there is a deadly silence that pierces my ears. Please leave me, my dear! Leave me to my solitude, as I wish to endure this pain, the pain… of losing a beloved for an eternity.