Heart it!

I have only lately realised that Madhuri Dixit is/was gorgeous. Uff. Anntum! And Salman Khan. Oh-so-wonderful. I adore him.

But, I don't like you. Yes. You heard me, and you heard me right.

Oh wait. I'm not Alice, I'm the White Rabbit. Ugh.

I'm in for a new post. Are you?

Dude, work's been a mess. And I've been a bigger mess. Needless to say.

And the life goes on...

New recruitments. Nice people. Some of them are pretty fun actually. Except for one, whom I hate from the bottom of my heart. Oh wait, hate was around 5 on the scale of 10; I abhor him. Abhor was 9. SMAAK and I came up with a hate-o-meter today. SMAAK is one of the new additions. Awesome person. My jaws hurt pretty bad at the end of each day. 'Tum apni life mein itna kabhi nahin hansi hogi...', Shay-bro presumed accurately.

Zak, another nice guy. Actually had a crush on him for a first few days, but it soon washed away. He was engaged, anyways. Hehe. Then there's Ms. Alvi, who happens to be our own dumb-blonde type. Mr. Gandhi and P2, both nice and quiet persons.

Anyways, enough about them now.

As for me, I've been all over the place. Facing serious anger management issues. Throwing temper-tantrums on any and every body who is found near me within a 4 feet radius. God help them. SMAAK unfortunately faces the worst of me, his bad luck we're in the same team. We hate each other (or so we say).

Other than that, I haven't only mastered 'the look' but it has apparently become a permanent facial feature I suppose. *bummer* I keep giving everybody a very "sarra-howa" look (as put by Zak) that supposedly scares them away. SMAAK calls it the "thakura'yn look". Yes, he is mad in every possible way. Shay-bro suspects I love his company. Which is true, I'm afraid. Shay-bro also pointed out that I have started talking (and laughing) more than I used too.

Either my face has started giving everything away, or everybody around me (especially at work) has become a terrific face reader. They somehow score a bull's eye at guessing my mood. If my face is red like a tamatar then without doubt I'm either upset or angry. I also go tamatar when I laugh but laughing is pretty obvious, so no points for guessing. That's how F bhai puts it, at least.

So, someone hid my phone today. And oh my God, was I mad? I was madder than the mad-hatter gone evil. I was so pissed off. Al Amaan Al Hafeez. I couldn't find my phone so I just sat down with a face redder than the reddest tamatar. While, SMAAK apparently went on a search operation. I overreacted a bit, but it wasn't entirely my fault yar. I was already in a rotten mood because of what the idiot Pattoki said about me and SMAAK to Shay-bro. All my chirp went down the drain. I mean who the hell is that idiot to say how we should or should not behave. Us laughing is unprofessional, and him cracking tawdry jokes is very professional. What the hell? SMAAK doesn't know about this yet.

So, when my mood went from awesome to awful after the jerk Pattoki said what he said. SMAAK comes and says to me, "I loathe you, oh wait no. What was that word that you used, the one that was on 9. Yes, abhor. I abhor you so much that I wish to kill you and you abhor me equally but right now I'm seriously concerned about you. What's wrong? You were all perked-up a little while ago and now you look so depressed."

I laughed. Yes, I did. Even amongst all the angst and anger.

Oh yes, the phone story was unfinished. So, anyways after everybody realised how pissed off I was someone put my phone back inside my bag's front pocket while I went out (to regain my composure because all that rage was tearing my eyes up). I'm afraid come of them even caught me all teary eyed and I was kind of embarrassed. Well, eventually I realised I behaved pretty rudely with Zak and SMAAK so I apologized. Zak said there was no need while SMAAK. Uff. He put on his joker cap once again.

Khair, to sum it all. I need to control my rage. I need to laugh less. A smile would suffice, instead. I need to talk less. I need to be the way I used to be. Reserved and uninterested. This person that I am becoming- the funny, sarcastic, interesting, outspoken, wonderful person; it  is only allowed to exist within the window of my blog. It cannot come to life. It should not. I cannot allow myself that much liberty. I need to be careful. Why? I have no idea.

So, how have you been? *grins*

Sadist.

Sighs.

And, a kill-joy.

One or the same.

A wicked grown-up who tells a cute little kid with a broken tooth that tooth fairies do not exist.

It's all either a little too sweet or a little too bitter for my taste, love.

The line between love and hate is very fine.

And aren't you a little too careless? You often forget which side you're standing on, precious.

~    Phir palat kar nigaah nahin ayee

Tum per qurbaan hogayi hogi...

I'm looking for a rabbit hole, would you like to help?

There's so much love around, but then... there's never enough.

You cannot be under the water and drink it too, can you?

♣

Why does everyone care about me so much? Certain people do, that's alright. I understand. But why others? Why everyone?

This is insane. It isn't right and it doesn't make any sense.

I'm not that great.

But, I guess everybody I meet is.

I'm paranoid, yes sir. Thank you.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. So...?

What's up?

It's about the last post

 I even had an eleventh point....(and a twelfth, and thirteenth, and oh shut up!). We were talking about the eleventh point. I wanted to add how I never really get a lot of gifts. *frowns* I only get them on my birthdays usually.

So, guess what happened today! Yes, sir. I received a beautiful gift- a perfume. It's Essence de Femme. And, it's oh-so-lovely!

You know, it's never about the gift, I mean not in terms of the object that's being presented to you. What matters is the love and the warmth with which you're being given something. Haina?

I have so many silly/amusing-office-updates to share. Will do them soon, hopefully.

Sighs.

*smiles*

Let me count the ways...

Let's see how uneventful (read: humdrum, in its most superlative degree) my life is:

• I don't hang out with friends. Used to hang out with cousins, but it just doesn't happen anymore. And, I miss it.
• I don't go out for shopping. I intend on buying a lot of stuff but it never really materializes. I somehow always feel too tired when asked if I'd like to go on a shopping spree.
• I cannot really remember when was the last time I went out to have a decent dinner. Oh wait, I just remembered, it was on October. 
• I don't chit chat with my friends for long hours on the phone. I used to once, but not any more.
• I don't use facebook, msn messenger, skype or any other similar social networking mundanities. I've (dormant, or partially dormant) accounts everywhere, though.
• I watch tv or sit in front my computer when and if I've some free time.
• On being asked what I watch on tv, I answer, 'uh.. nothing in particular. Everything, actually."
• I've really stopped talking to people, because I've become severely irritable.
• For the same reason, people have stopped liking me. This should have happened quite a long time back, but hey, people around me are extra-ordinarily kind. God bless them. (And, as for those who haven't yet somehow stopped liking me- I treat them pretty severely.)
• I don't have a hobby any more. I don't draw. I don't paint. I don't do anything at all. Nothing. I don't even like chocolates anymore. Not that it was a hobby, but anyways- just for the sake of mentioning.

I managed to come up with ten things. Huh, lovely! Even turtles have a life more eventful than mine.

Sighs. 

Why so serious, my friend?

Fed smashed Wawrinka with such ease. Oh it was lovely watching the match!

Well, I woke up for Fajr (which I haven't been doing lately- God! Why have I started missing my prayers).  And then, didn't go back to bed because... oh well, it doesn't really concern you so why bother knowing? (I don't want to burden your little brains with an overdose of information, see I'm kind enough.) So anyways, I switched on the TV, and after skipping a few useless channels, star sports popped up and I realised, 'oye! it's tuesday! Aaj tou match tha!' Khair, it turned out I was fairly lucky as the match had just started.

Let's thank Z, for Z was the reason  I didn't go to bed after Fajr.

Something really funny happened on the breakfast table. Something nahin, something(s) actually.  Hehe.

I'm a chatter-box as you must have ascertained already. A very choosy and reserved chatter-box, though. *grins*

Incident # I:

Discussing politics. ******************** This info is censored *************** Hehe. Khair, then papa says to mum. "bas Sindhi's are a very lazy qaum". Well, he actually said 'had-haram". Lol.

I said to ammi in a low voice, "Bilkul papa, mujhe he dekh lain."

I called my self  a 'had-haram'.

Mum burst into (subdued) laughter.

Papa didn't notice and went on, "Achay khaasay parhay likhay lougon ka bhi ye hi haal hai."

Me ( still in a lowly voice): "Wahi tou mein keh rahi hon"

Mum: still laughing.

Papa: "And especially, interior side per tou bohat zyada aisa hai"

Me: "Nope papa, baray baray shehron mein rehne walon ka bhi yehi haal hai, khud he dekh lain."

Mum: laughing

Papa: "Aur sab se buri baat interior ki ke mard bethay hotey hain aur unki wives are forced to do the odd jobs"

Mum, stops laughing and objects: "Na sa'iin, this is true for the Riyastiis only."

Me: "Ha, ha, Sindhyon ki tou wives bhi ghar per bethi rehti hain"

Mum goes into a fit of laughter. And, this time papa asks what is she laughing about.

Hehe.

I can be a clown.

Incident # 2:

 I was paka-ing ammi on how happy I'm that I didn't sleep and got to watch the match. So, I was telling her and everybody else (including papa) how Wawrinka smashed his racquet and how it got totally bent. And this is how it went on:

Me: So it was a fiber racquet na, that's why it didn't snap into two. But he threw it so hard, uff.... it folded into half. Per ammi I don't like it when players throw their bats or racquets, it's not un-sportsmen-like.

Ammi, who was silently listening to me babble, uttered:

'Jaani, yeh tou kuch bhi nahi. Had you been in their place, my child, you would have thrown your gears not on the ground, but aimed them at your opponent's face. Sar phaar dena tha tum ne tou unka.'

Uff... Everybody started laughing so bad. I was so embarrassed. *smiles sheepishly*

Haye Allah! I'm so notorious.

Sighs.

♥

Cyber world is creepy.

Z could have been a hacker, and that too a successful one.

I was having an issue while running a file, so I bugged Z to resolve that. Z asked me to connect my phone to the computer. I did. Z established a connection with my system through my phone's GPRS using an SSL. Din Diharay intrusion, woh bhi with my permission. *worried* Well, it wasn't din diharay, to be precise.

Anyways, so Z actually used my system right in front of my eyes. I could see my mouse cursor moving, and windows popping in and out. It was kind of creepy, really.

Once Z was done, I shrieked, "Get out of my computer. Now!" To which, Z couldn't help, but laugh.

Any-the-how, I have got so many games stacked up. I'v got:

i) NFS Hot Pursuit- Reloaded -- They launched a sequel to Hot Pursuit. Yay!! And what's the best part? The cops have cars faster than yours. Haha. And what the best-est? You can choose sides. Double Yay!! You can either be a cop or a racer. I'll be a racer, zahir hai!

ii) Call of Duty 4 - Yes, yes. I know it's old. I haven't played yet. So, it's new for me. You may shut up now. *grins*

iii) Black Ops - This is last year's too.

iv) AOE III - Okay. I know this is way old. But, there's a long story associated with the reason why haven't I completed it yet. So, anyways I'll complete it this time, Insha'Allah.

So, you see. I've been totally out of the gaming scene. Way out. I've lots of catching up to do. Haye!! When will I get to play? *sad face*  ACCA has ruined me. It has. It has. I hate it. And, to top it off, I'm working. Sighs. Once I'm done with ACCA, I'll do a degree in journalism/ mass comm. or textile designing may be. Or... something really weird. Or, I'll just get married. Haha.

OYE!!!!!!!

I'm going to be a phupho again!!! Like after around 15 years. Whoa. Although, I've had a good lot of nieces and nephews in the past decade, but they are my cousins' kids. However, this time it's my pagal brother (the second one). Triple Yay!!!  I'm so happy. Masha'Allah. Masha'Allah.

But then, he's so far away. *sad face* *slaps herself* Don't be sad, you idiot.

Let's think of names! If it's a boy, we can name him Zain-ul-Abideen, or *snaps fingers* Kazim, or I don't know.... waysay, I loveeee the name Abbas, but we already have an Abbas in our family.

If it's a girl, we can name her Fizza? Err... I can't think of many girl names... However, there's this one name that's jumping up and down inside my head. However, nope. Not that. Because, I've saved that name for my daughter. *curls toes* (If ammi finds this out, I'm so roasted.)

I don't know. Will you help? Waysay I'm being too impatient, because there's plenty of time to come up with good names for my niece/nephew. May everything go perfectly fine, Ameen.

What's wrong with Federer, man!? *shakes head* I think his reign might just be getting over. Anyways, I like Rafa too. So, I'm happy as long as one of them keeps winning the day.

This was too long. Phew. I talk too much. Don't I? Z says I talk non-stop (whenever I do, that is). I gotta go. I need to drink water. My throat feels all parched up. *makes a weird face*

*grins*

P.S. I've been feeling like a kid, lately. And, my posts reflect that. Hmm. No clue, what's up.

P.P.S. Furree Katt, I read all your comments, and it was actually fun because I got to read my old posts. Rest assured, I will reply to your comments *winks* as I have a thing for commenting. *grins* Thank you so very much.

I love my cousins.

Random title, I know.

Whenever I see numbers, in places where words should have been, I take them to be a ciphered text. Therefore, I tend to waste a lot of time deciphering them. And, usually fail. I'm terrible at deciphering codes. *smiles sheepishly*

I'm happy. My world's happy. Masha'Allah. I've awesome parents. Awesome brothers/sisters (Ok, my sisters are a little less than awesome, may be. Haha.) I wish they don't read this, otherwise I'll be more dead than I'm already. Younger sisters, sighs. Well, the feeling is mutual. They sigh at me too. *winks* Okay- Back to the awesome-ness list now. Awesome cousins. Awesome khandaan (well, except for a few dehshat-gard anasir). Hehe. If ammi jani reads/ hears (about) this, I'll be in trouble.

Well, once I was speaking to Shayan, a fellow trainee, about my cousins. And, guess what he said? He asked me if I was close to my cousins. I said yes, of course. He said he wasn't. He told me he met his cousins occasionally. On Eids and baraats, may be. I was like, 'whoa, really?' He said, he missed the fact that he didn't have such close ties with his family. I found it sad. But then, I know A LOT of people who never talk about their cousins and all (because, they don't interact much). M. nevers talks about her cousins, neither does Sh, not even Arw. Just me and Fofo, we are the ones gabbing about how fun our cousins are, et cetera, et cetera.

So, you see. My life's good. Masha'Allah.

I just whine, for the sake of it. Because, it kind of feels nice, you see. And then, everything isn't happy-happy always, right. There are downturns. Sad moments. Irritable moments. Angry moments! But, on the whole, everything's great. Alhumdolillah.

It's just that I'm a cynic. I'm sarcastic. Oooh. Way sarcastic, to be true! I can kill you with sarcasm. Beware, mine is not a comic version of sarcasm. It's bitter and very rude. However, cheer up- I won't kill you. Because, I'm not sarcastic all the time.

I can even make you laugh your lungs out but that happens very rarely. And, with a very few people only.

Ever heard about 'the look'? I can give you 'the look', that will make you believe it's all your fault. That you're so horrible. So awful. You may not admit, but you'll feel so damn bad. *smiles*

And when I'm up to something mischievous, Z says I get that roguish twinkle in my eyes that will tell you I'm up to something. My eyes let everything out, which isn't a good thing really. *frowns*

I can even make you cry.

By the way, it all sounds as if I do all this knowingly. However, that's not how it is. All these things were told to me by others. So, I didn't really know I could do so many things. *grins*

Anyways, enough with randomness. I'll end this post. And, write another one, may be. I'm in a mood for blogging (read: babbling/ranting/whining). Right now, I will have an orange, actually two, and go sit with papa for a while.

Ok, see you!

Over the phone...

(This conversation was in Sindhi except for a few words, however I shall translate it into English actually Urdu, will sound less fun in English.)

Z: "Yar boss ke bhai ki shaadi hai. I'm confused. Ja'on ke nahin?"

Me: "Go, bha'ee! Iss mein confuse honey ki kya baat hai..."

Z: "Uff... Chelum nahin howa!!"

Me: "Ohhhh.... Sorry. Sorry. It skipped my mind. Don't go, bha'ee! (Iss mein confuse honey ki kya baat hai...)" *grins*

Z: "Skipped your mind. Hmm... matlab tum tou phir sab kuch karti hogi... Yaad jo nahin rehta hoga ke chehlum nahin guzra"

Me: "JEE NAHIN!!"

Me: "Acha khairrrrr... Excuse ker lo"

*Insert a weird pause*

Z: "Kya kar lon??"

Me: "EXCUSE!!"

Z: "EXCUSE? Ohh..... I thought you said 'sue' kardo!"

Me: "What?!"

*Insert an incontrollable laughter*

Z: "Sue kardon ke chehlum se pehle shaadi kaise rakhi... Haha"

Me: "Hahahahaha..."

It's BJ's birthday today.... But it's Safar and then my turtle died . So, nothing special going on.

...

Aslan died...

He died. I'm still looking at him again and again, hoping against hope that he might just move. He was my friend. Actually, the only friend at home these days, for the fact that I've been bickering with everyone else at home. He was the best. Didn't used to say a word. Just used to hear me out quietly, screaming his name to wake him up each morning before leaving for work and every evening after returning from work. I used to actually spend hours with him. I literally used to lose track of time.

I miss him. I wept so much. I wanted to cry just the way I used to when I was a kid and complain to Allah Saa'iin. Just the way I complained, when Nida died in a car crash in Riyadh. Just the way I complained, when Amma jaan died. But, I cannot. Because, I have grown-up. I know I cannot complain, because I have no such right. All these people (and now Aslan) belonged to Him more than they did to me. They were never mine. They were and are His creatures, since always. 

Z asked me, if I wanted another turtle. I replied with a blunt 'no', I said I shall think about it after the winters were over. It isn't about a turtle - any turtle. It was about Aslan. 

What will I tell Eeman and Amnah, when they'll ask me about Aslan? 

Why did you have to die, my friend?

I'm sorry, Aslan. May be I didn't take enough care of you...

Sighs.

Subha Saweray

Something is awfully wrong with me. I feel so irritable. All I do is pick up fights with everyone. S, ZB, ami, Z, every one. Actually I don't really pick fights, I just... I've just become very touchy. I hate don't like anyone anymore. Why am I feeling no one really likes me either these days, but for Z?

Sighs. I'm sounding like a stupid teenager who knows nothing but to whine (No offence, though).

Ughhh.

Sad, no?

People are so shallow. I'm not. This is one thing I'll bet my life on. I'm not shallow. Neither is my thinking. However, people usually are quite the contrary.

Ally

You're missed.

Honest.

I remember

It was a beautiful day. The sea was calm. The wind was soothing. Everything looked just about perfect.

A beautiful child, busy with her own little self, was playing on the shore. Sea fascinated her- always. It scared her a little too, though. She loved how the waves tickled her bare feet but the little crabs that washed up the shore frightened her. The fact that they had so many legs sounded creepy to her.

However, for the time being all she was interested in were sea shells. While picking up shells from the shore, she found something that looked like a tiny but a fat frisbee, yet was too soft to be that. What seized her attention was the fact that it was transparent- absolutely crystal clear. She could see the sand right through it. She picked it up in her hands and felt it. It was soft and wobbly just like jelly. She took it and ran towards her father.

'Papa jani, look what I found.'

Her face lit up with triumph over her discovery.

'What is this thing?'

'I don't know, I found it lying there.'

She pointed with her little fingers towards the the place where she found the curious object  .

'Throw it away, love. It's a jelly fish. It might sting you.'

She was told.

She looked at it for the last time and threw it away into the water, just as she was told.

However, someone inside her head kept asking her over and over again, 'how can something so beautiful sting you' and so she wondered.

Off-road

I want to drive off-road. There's no fun driving 'on' the road.

Umm... I like to walk off-road as well.

Seedhe sapaat tar-coal ki sar'kon per chalne ka kya maza? Mujhey oobar khabar raasto'n aur kachi pagdandiyo'n  per chalna pasand hai. *grins* Aur sab se zyada maza tab ata hai jab chalte howe qadmo'n ke neeche aaney waley sookhay patay ehtajaj karney ki nakaam koshish karahe hon. *smiles*

And, I don't like walking straight too.

So, if and when you walk with me, know that it isn't going to be an easy one- unless you share my kind of crazy whims.

[Image courtesy: weheartit]

Of fools and love...

They say I'm a fool because I'm a lover, and that too an unconditional one. I love people regardless of any and everything. Is that foolishness, you tell me?

And the happiness decides to go topsy-turvy

Meri saari khushi per pani gira diya na. Woh bhi thanda. Despite knowing that I don't like water.

I played table tennis after sooooo long. I played after what.... two years. And, guess what I did? I won three matches in a row. Aur woh bhi mujhse baray baray logon se! I was so happy.

Khair, life's weird.



P.S. Khoobsurat loog zaalim kion hotey hain!

Chronicles of Ann, the Outlandish- FILTERED!

I knew I shouldn't have told you. I knew it all along. And, yet I did. I am so naive. Well actually, naive is a very decent word. I am an idiot. Yes, that sounds much better.

I wish I could have talked to you about any and every thing. I wish I didn't have to filter my chronicles, my stories before narrating them to you.

I talk too much, no. I won't now. At least, I'll try not too.

You lied, you know. We aren't friends. We can never be.

And, isn't that a tragedy?

*smirks*

Abbass ki nazron se koi parh ke tou dekhe...

Ehsaas ki ek Nehj-e-Balagha hai Sakina(SA)

Iss baat se mehsoos karo kya hai Sakina

Abbas (AS) ke honton ka qasida hai Sakina

Aina-e-Zehra(SA) mein jo dekha tera bachpan

Har aks pukara ke tuu Zehra(SA) hai Sakina

Jo pyaar ke parcham ki alamdaar hai ab tak

Abbas ki woh pyari Sakina hai Sakina

Abbas ki nazron se koi parh ke tou dekhe

Ehsaas ki ek Nehj-e-Balagha hai Sakina

Jo mashk mein bhar sakta hai dunya ke samandar

Kaunain mein bas woh tera saqqa hai Sakina

Har umr ke Haider(AS) ne jhulaya tera jhula

Yeh Auj faqat tuu ne he paya hai Sakina

Darya ke lab nouk-e-qalam chuum rahey hain

Meine abhi likha nahin, soocha hai Sakina

Rehan ki suurat woh sarafraz rahega

Jis ne teri dehleez ko chuuma hai Sakina

Abbas ke honton ka qasida hai Sakina...

Green-eyed monster

"You know what's the best thing about you?"

"What?"

"That you don't envy anyone!"

"Err... No. I do."

"What?"

"Yes, I do. I do get jealous." 

"...."

"But only when someone gets my share of love or attention. I go green with envy. I don't like it. I hate it."

"And do you know what's the funniest (weirdest) part? I don't hate the person who gets my share of love or attention. I hate the person who gives my share away."

"(...) Pagal!"

*sniffs*

Aaj kal tou sirf daant he khanay ko mil rahi hai. (Taqreeban) har baat per. Baqi sab kuch tou umr-e-guzishta ke qissay lag rahe hain.

*hmph*

Sitaarey gardish mein hain shayad.... *wonders*

*smiles*

Turtle woes.

Aslan is sick, I think. All he does is sleep. It's worrying me.

Her awesome-ness says...

I am AWESOME!

*winks*

Are you happy now?

Wafa karoge, wafa karainge

Jafa karoge, jafa karainge

Hum aadmi hain tumhare jaise

Jo tum karoge, woh hum karainge...

P.S. I don't know whose ruba'ii is this. But, it was narrated by my Sr. Manager only yesterday during his 'lecture' to us trainees. 

A cold winter's morning

I wish I was a cold winter morning.

Very cold- The one that makes you cross your arms and hide them in each other.

For whatever it's worth

I've become weak, very weak and fragile and, it occurred to me only lately. I have lost most of my strength; the edge that I once had. I was a fighter once. I'm not anymore (Although, I'd like to believe otherwise).  Frankly speaking, I've lost the intensity, the indomitability. I may still appear very firm but believe me when I say, it's a hoax; a sham.

I've lost myself- lost myself in time.

When people used to shout at me, I used to shout back at them with double force. And now, at times, when someone shouts at me, I look into their eyes with disbelief. I neither find the willingness nor the ability to shout back. I merely stare at them for a moment, hoping their lips would move in an apology or a half (which rarely happens, though). Something snaps inside me and tells me to walk away. And, walk away, I do.

Walking away- and who would have though AH, you could learn to walk away? Ha.

I don't know who needs me or not, anymore. I cannot even shrug everything off saying, 'To hell with everything, I'll live my own life'. Because, I cannot. I cannot live my own life. I don't even have my own life. I've sewn my life in an intricate web. I'm so hopelessly dependent upon others that I cannot imagine a life without them. If they aren't there; I'm not here. I cannot just let them go. And, I don't have to anyways. Nobody has asked me too. I'm just being a jerk and that's about it.

I'm not bad. I'm not an awful person. I am sick of telling myself how awful, how bad, a person I am. Because, I'm not.  And, I need someone to tell me this. Someone- but not just anyone. I don't need random people (friends and acquaintances) telling me how good I am. Because, I don't care what they've to say. Because, it doesn't matter.

I am tired, really. Tired of all the running I've been doing lately. I cannot match my pace with life anymore. It's too fast for me. My lungs are running out of air now. I know I would have to continue running to catch up with life but, I don't want to run. I want to walk, with steady steps. I'm in no hurry to catch up with everyone, with the world. I don't like this world, anyways. It's a little too strikingly coloured for my taste, you see.

I have no idea what is this all about. It doesn't make any sense to me and so, shouldn't make any to you either. This is gibberish; and that too, an incoherent one.

I'm absurd. Outrightly. No doubts.

Sha'Khaz-zaarber

...Anwer bhai uttered to me in a full-on pashtu accent.

I felt a little lost for a moment. I, despite having a fascination for the language, don't understand Pashtu. Hence, had no idea what he meant.

However, after a while of conjecturing and an attempt to put things into context, I finally deciphered what he said.

He said...

'Shock-Absorber'.

"Bhai yeh awaz kis cheez ki arahi hai?"


"Baaji, yeh dekhana paray ga. Yeh awaz ya tou bearing ka araha hai ya tou sha'khaz-zaarber ka."

Yes. Yes. I'm silly. But he made it sound like a Pashtu/Farsi word or something, I swear. Not entirely my fault , bha'ee.

*smiles*

Ughh...

Just added another feather in my cap.

Treasury.... Damnit! I cannot swear! I so badly want to. *will do it in my heart*


I hate you, treasury! You Godforsaken thing. What have I done to you to earn this? Arghh.

Happy feet

I met another girl. And, this time it was not in the restroom (which is where I usually get to meet female staff at the client) *smiles* Don't ask me why. I'm just very reserved (read, unsocial) and I've mentioned/hinted this a gazillion times already.

"You really have very pretty feet..."

*I wish I could have burst into laughter at that lady, but I didn't- I'm so mannered and all, you know. Etiquettes don't allow me such liberties so, I smiled and said*  

"You like my feet..."

"Yes, the other day, while you were offering prayers I noticed them and was mentioning it to my friend that this girl has really nice feet..."

"Oh thank you. *you should really hear what I said next* But, I don't like them much..."

"Oh? *shocked* You don't like them, why?"

*Meri marzi bhaee, mere pair hain!*

"When I was a kid, my feet were a little out of proportion, bigger than should have been; so, my cousins used to tease me and since then I don't like them much. Although, they look fine now."

*But, the lady was insistent- must be nice then* *grins*

Yaar, speaking on an overall basis, mein zaroorat se kuch zyada he grounded hon! Tsk. Tsk. Meri jaga koi aur hota tou phir tou bas... Al-Amaan Al-Hafeez. Sighs. Afsoos, sad afsoos.

*grins*

P.S. Yes, Yes. My titles are getting weird. I'm out of stock.

Haha. You know me. I know.

While munching French fries, when I replied with a busy 'hmm' on being asked if they were good, I heard:

"You know, I just know... When you say 'HMM', matlab kuch zaroor GARBAR hai. And, when you say 'KHAIR', matlab ab tou BILKUL BHI KHAIR NAHIN!"

On hearing this, I replied:

With a fit of laughter (Especially, the 'khair' wala part made me want to roll off my seat laughing).

P.S. Nevertheless, this time I said 'hmm' because I was busy- and starving. *smiles*

I like the sound of silence. A little too much, I guess.

It's easier being sad. Happiness takes too much effort.

I'm so out of titles.

Z. bought me turtles three days ago. It was a surprise gift. My first surprise gift ever, I reckon. Um yeah, the first, as far as I remember.

I went to the hospital directly after work as ammi loog went to see F. and so, I had to pick them. I was so freakin' tired but as soon as I entered the room the weariness started to dim out. *smiles* Anyways, just as I entered, Annieo, B and R were leaving. F was better. S (my sister) had also come to see F. right from her uni. so was pretty tired herself. She asked ammi to leave and as we were about to leave F asked me to stay as I hadn't really got a chance to have a chit chat with her. I was a little apprehensive if ammi would allow me to stay back (for apparent reasons- or not so apparent, may be- may be it's just me- chor ki daari mein tinka, I guess :p). So anyways, I asked and ammi agreed. Just like that.

Then, it was just me, F and Z. Had a good time. Dr. H is funny and an acha insaan. Half my khaandaan goes to him. And while, he was cracking jokes on F, he looked at me for secondment, he did a double take and uttered, 'Oh yeh tou apni hai!'  *smiles* Doctors should have good humour. Z is awesomely humourous too but, Z isn't a doc. Uh well, not for humans (or even animals) at least. While we were at the hospital, S. called Z on the cell and said something which worried Z. Z didn't tell me what was up.

Ami had asked Z to drop me off once Aunta arrived. And, she got there pretty late. Once, she got there we took off. On the way, Z told me that Z has bought a pair of turtles for me but I was also told that one of them was dead already (that's what the call was about). I didn't know how t react. I was ecstatic but my glee wasn't reciprocated 'cause Z was sad about one of the turtles. I was sad too but, I was a bit too overwhelmed to be 'totally' sad. I had been looking for turtles since quite a few months. Had asked BJ. to get them for me but, he was too confused about which kind did I want. So, he wanted me to go to Empress Market with him which was so out of question, lol.

Z and I named him 'Aslan' after the Lion from Narnia. *grins* S. suggested 'Toofaan', lol. Ammi suggested 'Napoleon'. And, I was thinking of naming him after one of the Ninja Turtles, Michelangelo, perhaps. (I'm wearing a Ninja Turtles's sweat shirt right now ;) ) But for now, he's 'Aslan'. What do you think?

He's a baby and hence, so smaaaaalll. And, soo cute. I don't have a proper home for him yet because, it was a surprise and I wasn't a bit prepared. Therefore, I have made a temporary dwelling for him- in a tub. *smiles*

Z is so cute. This was the most awesome-est gift I ever received. Honest.

I asked Z to bring Eeman, Aminah and Hamza to see Aslan, today and they came. Hamza didn't come, though. The badmaash was asleep.

Um, what else? *smiles*

'Little girl... in her fairy tale world', that was my senior supervisor. Why did he say that, I have no clue. I wish I had replied him by saying, 'And since when did fairy tales started having audit firms in them, huh?' I told you, I wasn't job material. I'm so devastatingly pampered, I feel very vulnerable at times. However, a pleasant surprise is the fact that I have been pampered at work as well. Till date, at least. I find everybody so concerned about me and my problems, which feels really... nice. *smiles* Alhamdolillah.

Can I tell you something? Promise me, you won't throw stuff at me? Remember, how I bakwasified about being confused and indecisive and then later, about not taking up the contract and just completing the internship? Well.... I... I took the contract. (But, I don't plan to stay for three years). Uh, don't say anything. Please. I'm the most confused and the pagal-est person on this green blue earth, I know.

Papa is coming home. On monday, InshaAllah. Yayy!!

Umm.... There were actually other things that I wanted to write about too but, I don't remember any more. Uff! My memory is horrible, with a capital 'H'!

You are an alligator. Oh no. Don't thank me. Thank God.

Fridayyyyyyyyy (with no working on saturday)! Sighs. Was looking forward to a long weekend but the holiday on monday has been withdrawn. Anyways, aome breathing space, finally. I wish to take real long, deep breaths and suck in all the air around me.....

And then..... I shall be in a vaccum. (Okay, that was very weird and abrupt- weirdly abrupt or abruptly weird, you tell?).

Okay. Whatever. See you later- alligator!

"Do you know, you are just like a small little girl! Living in her fairy tale world."

That's not true. And, why would someone say that- right out of no where.

If someone says this to you, is this supposed to make you angry? Is this even remotely supposed to fill your eyes up with hot salty water?

Why was I so angry then?

And what is it supposed to mean, by the way?

Sighs. Forget it.

'night.















Am I living a fantasy? Am I living in a fantasy? Or, am I, a living fantasy?

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain...

Hawa'ain gumsum, har soo andhera

Haye woh shaam-e-ghareeba'n

Jalti zameen per tifl pareshan-o-hirasa'n

Raawi bayan karta hai you'n gham ka majra...

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Paray hain raiti pe chand laashay

Jo apna gham aap utha rahay hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Shikasta hathyaar kuch paray hain

Yeh loog shayad yahan laray hain

Laray tou woh honge jo baray hain

Nazar tou bachay bhi arahe hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Harrum pe kya guzri baad inke

Nahin zaroorat ke koi poochey

Jalay howey jo paray hain khaimay

Woh inka lut'na bata rahe hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Yeh loog hain kaun khandaa'n ke

Jo koi poochey tou kis se poochey

Musafir atay hain jo idher se

Woh raah qatra ke ja rahe hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Na koi murdon pe rooney wala

Na koi zakhmon ko dhonay wala

Parinde kuch kar rahe hain naala

Darinde kuch khaak ur'ra rahe hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Paray hain maqtal mein jitne laashay

Kisi badan mein bhi sar nahin hai

Sar unke kaatay sitamgaro'n ne

Woh sar harrum ko dikha rahey hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Woh eik mastoor ya za'eefa

utha ke hathon mein chaubay khaima'n

Uthi hai dainay harrum ka peh'ra

La'een jin ko darra rahey hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Shifa'atey hashr karne waley

Kahain jo woh kar guzarne waley

Ghayoor hain yeh woh marne waley

Jo hum ko ab tak rul'a rahey hain

Darauna jungle, hai raat andheri

Sitare kuch jhilmila rahe hain

Marsiya

Kis sher ki aamad hai ke run kaa'np raha hai

Run eik taraf, charkh-e-kohan kaa'np raha hai

Rustam ka badan zair-e-kafan kaa'np raha hai

Har qasr-e-salateen-e-zaman kaa'np raha hai

Shamsheer bakaf dekh ke Haider ke pisar ko

Jibreel larztay hain samattay howe par ko...

♣

Please, Allah sa'een, please. Please! Bahaq-e-Mohammad(saww)-o-aal-e-Mohammad(saww) ya Rab-ul-Alameen, please!

Pep-talk... gone wrong

You! You, awful little creature! I wish I could slap you so hard that you would go crying back to your mommy! Ughhh!

Yeh Bil-yaqee'n Hussain(AS) Hai

"But your exam..." *disappointed*


"Exam gaya bhaar mein!" *indifference at its peak*


"But it was your (final) exam..." *woebegone*


"Kaha na exam bhaar mein jachuka hai, aur bhaar se cheezain wapis nikalna mujhey pasand nahin!" *smiles with indifference soaring above its peak*


*bewildered*


*shrugs*

Idher udher ki baatain

*frowns*

The mausam is so ajeeeeb-o-ghareeb. Was I not feeling lazy enough already, huh? I'm wearing socks because my feet get really cold lekin no faida- socks bhi thanday hogaye hain. *makes an angry face* Right now, I want to shout out so very loudly and say, 'kya hai yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!'. I'm feeling frustrated. Aiween mein. Majlis sunne ke liye ja nahin sakte. TV per koi majlis aa nahin rahi. There's nothing to do. Aur jo hai karne ko woh mujhe karna nahin hai- study, I mean. I cannot study. *sobs* Exam hai Tuesday ko. I feel like crying. I've reached a saturation point with regards to parhai. Eik cheez parh parh ke my mind's going wacko.

Thought of adding this random photo that I just took right now. (I was trying to study, you see *smiles sheepishly*) Okay, let me describe it to you (as I've nothing better, or worse, to do). That is my highlighter, (shall I tell you how much I adore fluorescent ink/things? I like how it hurts your eyes when you stare too hard at it). With the highlighter lies the purple pointer. Purple ink is cool too. Then there is my lousy red pouch that holds my fuzool stationery these days. On top of it lies my favourite item. Fluorescent index flags! Err... I love them too much to use them. *blushes* Crazy, I know. For some loco reason I like hoarding stationery only (not using it). Then there's the ugly gray calculator. Mera nahin hai. Sister's! Mine is khaak chaan-ing somewhere around the house. Anyways, then there's the pencil that is equally ugly except for the little orange part. Woh black and white thing is my lousy phone case. I've no idea what's that hair clip doing over there. Then there's the stupid chapstick. It's rose flavoured but I don't like it. Random question: "Can you tell which is my favourite colour?" Hint: "It's the most ubiquitous colour in the photo."

Let's forget about the photo now. I don't really like taking a shower. *curls toes* What? I don't. Because, I don't like water. Why? Because, you get wet, duh! And cold too. Han, if the water is warm then I can put up with it. But still, I'm no fan. And then, sardiyon mein tou bilkul bhi nahin. I wish I had some machine that would've allowed me to dry clean myself.

My hands are cold usually. Not just in winters, but otherwise too. B. and A. joke about it and say that's because I'm a 'bewafa'. It's said that people with cold hands are disloyal supposedly. *shrugs* I laugh it off. But sometimes, I pray to Allah sa'iin under my breath to never allow me to be disloyal. I can never be disloyal. Never. That's something even the mere thought of which frightens me. I might be an awful person. Way more awful than I suppose but, I shall never be unfaithful.

I had chai paratha for dinner. *grins* Weird? Nope. That's the most adored item on, not just my home's but, my khandaan's menu. Jab kuch sumujh na aye chai paratha kha lo. Easy breezy. I cannot make a 'paratha'. I mean, I haven't tried making it. I was planning to, tonight but didn't. *frowns* I want to learn to make a paratha like a pro.

I haven't studied even a tad bit today. I don't feel like studying anymore. I've been overtaken by ambivalence once again. It's about my internship. I hate it when I feel so indecisive. I wish I was a little decisive. I wish I wouldn't need other people to guide me. I'm twenty one and I still need people to hold me by my finger and walk me everywhere. (Ufff ami, papa, bj+bj,  if only you people hadn't pampered- read spoiled- me this much). Either this era isn't the right era for me, or I'm not right for it. Hmph!

I think I've reached some sort of tentative conclusion for now but I don't feel sure abhi tak. Anyways, I shall complete my four months, till December that is, and not take up the three-year ka training contract. Three year is too long a commitment. And anyways, I don't understand why am I even worrying about it when I hate my field in the first place. First of all, I won't work all my life. Pagal nahin hon mein. I shall not work after getting married. Let my husband-to-be be the bread winner of my family. *grins* And waysay bhi, I'm so not the 'out and about' kind. Sensitivity issues, you see. If I'm working right now then that's just because I want to experience things. It's just more out of curiousity, I assume, and not for the sake of career development.

Uhh.. I don't know I'm sound crazy again. We'll talk about this again sometime.

I want to go for a walk. A looooooooooooooong walk. A walk by the road side. Awaragardi.

It's getting late. I'm off to bed now. (Cannot allow my mind to diverge to further randomness, or nuisance, if you please).

'Night.

'Love me not, my friend, until you have to
And, love me not, my love, but my sorrows too.'

Sweet Escape

I want to run off to a place far far away. A place, very remote. With almost no one around, with no 'ayashi ka samaan' (as Z. puts it) around. I really want to be alone for some time. I am getting tired of people. (They might be, too). I want to give others a break. And, myself too. I want to be with myself for a while. Just me. I want to walk on the damp grass with bare feet just before the break of dawn. I want to sit by a silent lake and watch the moonlight glisten on the waters. I want to sit there until enchantment turns too mystifying and my heart sways away to the thoughts of magical creatures living underneath the shiny waters and the silence begins to frighten me. Then, I shall get up and walk away. I want to sit by the fire and hear the wood crackle as the fire devours it. I want to watch the orange flames flicker in the darkness of night. I want to stare right into it until the smoke makes my eyes tear up and forces me to blink. I want to watch it till the very end- until the fire dies. Until the last embers turn into ashes. Until it's time.

'And, she loosened the flower from her hairs and tossed it in the dying fire... For it was time- to leave...'

A heart within me...

...I have a little heart within me
And I like to bring him out of
His prison and carry him on the
Palm of my hand to examine him
In depth and extract his secret.
Aim not your arrows at him, lest
He takes fright and vanish 'ere he
Pours the secrets blood as a
Sacrifice at the altar of his
Own faith, given him by Deity
When he fashioned him of love and beauty...

-Khalil Jibran (Extract from Leave Me, My Blamer XIII)

Much ado about.... nothing, perhaps.

I act like a 7-year-old. Even 7-year-olds are more sensible these days. And me, I like standing at least a mile away from sensibility and the likes. W-h-e-n will I grow up, if ever?

On the other hand, I tend to think at times that I am a little too mature than people my age. I am a little profound than usual. Wishful thinking, perhaps.

I was stingy a few days ago. Probably just because I was not well. You know, the thing with me is that I don't get ill very often. Alhamdolillah. And even when I do fall ill, I don't make a fuss out of it. And luckily, I get better in a few days somehow. So, no one really comes to know how bad my condition was. So, when others get sick, I don't feel for them. Say, my sisters, I don't like it much when my mother tends to them when they fall ill. I feel neglected. (Absurd, I know- can't help it). Told you, I act very childish sometimes. Sighs.

You know, at times when I get slightly feverish and my mother asks me to take the meds; I say yes to her and whisper under my breath, 'no way'. Eik tou itni mushkil se aya hai bukhar, itni asani se kaise jane dedon? *smiles*  I dislike doctors (apologies sid) and abhor pills. Hence, the reluctance to take pills. The last time I took antibiotics was..... err... sorry, cannot remember (so you see majworld, it wasn't the 'antibiotic-effect'). 

So, a few days back I caught cold and  had a really bad throat. The runny nose made me go all the way beyond crazy and then my throat ached so bloody much that I found it hard to even swallow water. Yes. And, Z. thought it was funny. Huh. Yes, very funny indeed. *scowls* And then, I have asthma. Although, it remains dormant the whole year round but jumps out when I fall ill. Asthma is awful with a capital 'A'. So, I secretly hoped that my illness won't go further and turn into an asthma attack and treated myself with anti-allergies only. Despite the fact, that my mother asked me to take some pills and an inhaler that the doctor had prescribed. *smiles* Disobedient, are we? *winks*

Yeah so, I fell ill and just when I started to imagine about all the care and tendering that I'll be receiving everybody else in the house decided to fall ill. Arghhhh. This is what happens- always. There was no one to care for me because everybody was sick. Achi musibat hai. Jab S. ya ZB. beemar hotey hain tou Aunta tak ko khabar mil jati hai, aur jab mein beemar hon tou meri ama tak bekhabar hoti hain. Kion? Kion ke mujhey dramay karne ka shoq nahin. Huh. (Waysay tou mujhse zyada dramay karne wala koi paida nahi hua magar I don't know where do all my dramatic skills go when I'm sick).

Now about the last post. I felt vulnerable. I felt like the little old Ann as a kid who used to cry, when hurt, and repeat the same things over and over. 'Nobody loves me, nobody'. 'Please Allah saa'in I want to die, everybody shall be better off that way'. 'I'm sorry Allah saa'in, but please can I die earlier'. I don't know. Whom did I wish to ease by dying? Others? Or, myself? Both, I assume. *faint smile*

A comment made my eyes well up for some reason. No clue, why? And then after all, it was by a complete stranger. Then, why did it matter at all? (See, I'm that absurd). But all I know is, nobody misses nobody! That is what I've kept repeating to myself since childhood. Not until forever, at least.

And about love, you ask. *smiles* Death shall put an end to every thing. Sooner or later. It certainly shall.

I'm sorry. Tsk.

(It's ironic- my denial. *smiles* And, I'm a liar.)

When I die, I don't think a lot of people will miss me. I might as well do some a favour, of a kind.

But, all of them love you so!

Don't tell that to me. Yes, they love me. But once I die, they'll bury their love in my grave along with me and, walk away.

Because, I am so awful.

And then, it'll be me and the darkness- of the most dark kind.

Forgive me Allah saa'in. Please.

Oh, dear, oh dear, oh dear!

I'm sick.

Trash, trash, trash and more trash.

I write trash.

This blog is pathetic- with a capital 'P'.

Gaudy and absolute nonsense.

It should be trashed. 

Ugh.

Edited: And, a sincere advice- No one should waste their time reading the rubbish that I write. I'm sure life has a lot of better things to offer you. Learn from people who no longer come by- they were wise. Very wise. You should act wisely too. 

Happy Ann...

Happy Annnnn...

Itni saari knives/slicer... I wonder if it was a cake or a bakra? *chuckles* 

I've had one of the most loveliest birthdays yesterday. It was great. Only yesterday was I musing how no one brings birthday cakes for me and I've to buy it for myself (or go with papa jani, when he's here). And, yesterday only K. api brought me  a cute sa, chhota sa cake. To top it off, that too a  pineapple cake. Well, I've been craving for a pineapple cake for quite a few days and have been too lazy to buy it for myself. So, coincidentally K. api bought it for my birthday. (Okay may be facebook isn't all that bad, lol). 

Too many bingos for one day, no. I guess it was the birthday magic (working in the right direction). *smiles*

I cut two cakes yesterday. One in the evening, because I was too hungry. And, the other one just 20 minutes before the clock struck mid-night. *smiles*

Life couldn't get any sweeter. (At least, that's what Hobnob says.)

♦

However, I cried last night. I cried like I've never before in months (or years, may be). I poured my heart out for the first time in twenty one years. I was reminded of every single shard of glass that has been stuck in my chest since ever - as far as I can go down my memory lane. And, every single shard hurt me as potently as day one. And, I cried. And, you cried with me. I cried till my eyes swelled up. Till my lungs went out of air and I gasped. I cried till I yexed.  Remembering everything, and not just remembering it but narrating everything was excruciating. Agonizing. But I cried. Because, I knew this might as well be the last time I'm crying over my wounds. Because, this might as well be the last time I felt those shards, felt the agony. Because, I knew my heart was bleeding for one last time as you yanked out the broken pieces of the glass from my chest- one by one- forever. It was painful. But, it was worth the pain. 

Catharsis.

This morning is a lot brighter. A lot clearer. A lot lighter.

Sweet November

I've had a wonderful Eid masha'Allah. Even the third day, which usually goes boring went really great. We barbecued at BJ's place last night. I smelled like a smoked charcoal by the end. But, I had a great time. *smiles* Missed papa jani and Bj a lot though.

Oh! And, last night Z. told me something that really lift me off the ground and into the air. I felt elated, in its most superlative form. *grins* Not that I didn't know this already but it feels great when certain kinds of facts are cited to you and that too, out of the blue (it rhymes). And, it was kind of abrupt and unanticipated too. *smiles*

Z. told me that I'm Bj's favourite. As I already said, it's something that I've known but it has never been mentioned to me in such manner. I know both, Bj and BJ (and even papa) love me like anything. Z. was right in saying that I'm so fortunate that everybody loves me (well, everybody except for me). Z. told me Bj, when he was here, always used to speak about me and the love with which he spoke of me, that's what coaxed Z. to blurt it out to me. (Blurting it out after so many years, God! Z. you have to be insane.)

I'm too awful to be loved but I guess these guys are just not sane enough to see that. Sighs.

But then, there's something about me, right. *shakes head and smiles*

Happy birthday, my love. Happy birthday.

I've had a lovely day masha'Allah. I miss papa. He always forgets our birthdays. Ami has to remind him to wish us. But he's too sweet. *gives a wide smile* Papa tells me, when I was born I was way too awake than the usual newly born babies. My eyes were wide open and they moved around the room like search lights. My eyes. Hm! My Lord has been generous with me. *grins*

Dear winter, come let's be friends. You haven't been all that bad this year. I think I can love you just the way I used to once. Be with me. And, be mine.

Shall I tell you how weary I am? But then, where shall I begin from, my love? And, where shall I end...?

Near, far, where ever you are...

To those who are with me. And, to those who aren't. To those whom my blood-pumping organ misses. And, to those who are around me.

To everyone.

Eid Mubarak!

God bless.

P.S. I miss my bakraas. 

Eik raat mein itna sab kuch bhi hosakta hai....

*shakes head and smiles faintly*

Broken, are we?

'Don't all of us carry a broken heart? Some are chipped while others are... severely fissured. Broken, nonetheless.'

I shall mend yours. One day, I shall. Until then, we'll have to wait. And wait, we shall.

The silent night, on whose thorax we laid. And, you whispered in my ears, with a gentle tone, the secrets of your past and present. And I heard, not just with my ears but through every single cell in my body.

Your voice grew heavier; burdened with the weight of your grief and your throat welled up. I listened. I listened as if this might as well be the last time I may hear a sound.

I tried to reach out to you but, all my opened arms met was... cold thin air. You were, but a faint voice that echoed in the silence of the night. You were, but a voice, my dear.

Marie, the biscuits.

"Subha Marie, shaam Marie, raat Marie, bas har waqt Marie Marie Marie! Tumhari body 60% water nahin, 60% Marie banchuki hogi ab tak. Kuch weeks ke baad khud be Marie ban jaogi! Colour tou Marie jaisa hai hee (...) Marie ka ticky pack (half-roll)!"

*grins*

I am bored...

Hmm, so? What's up these days?

I am liking this song very much. Mazey ka hai! *smiles*

And who decides...

...what's real?

The extent you can go to, for the sake of returning to a place called home... Only to discover, that it isn't real and that you... are lost.

P.S. I just watched 'Inception'.

Cold...

...Sighs.

You, my friend, are so overwhelming, has anyone ever mentioned that to you before?

I don't think so.

*smiles*

I was afraid...

... of not knowing. Of being in the... dark.

Darkness... has never frightened me as much as it did last night.

Thank you my Lord, for saving us. For not leaving us alone. I can never thank You enough, that is the only thing I know.

Papa jani, I miss you. Come soon.

Bj, don't you know we are alone? All alone. And, so are you, aren't you?

Dear November, do you always have to have something not-so-good up your sleeve?


P.S. Everything's fine now. Alhamdolillah. No worries.

Outpours..

'When someone pours their heart out to you... they honour you.'

I've yet to meet a person gentler than you, my friend.

And, I doubt the possibility.

Eik masiiha mujhko chho ker gaya...

Kaun tha... mein dhoo'ndta raha...

P.S. Finally, after quite sometime, I've come across an Indian film (A Flat) that has some really sweet soundtracks.

Who's going to tell me what I want?

Somebody?

Anybody?

Sighs. I'm confused. I don't know. I cannot decide if I want to continue what I am doing right now. I cannot even decide if I like my work. I thought I had till December to come up with a decision but I'm surmising, I don't. They are converting my internship contract into a three-year contract for my articles, earlier than expected. Err... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I cannot decide. Three-years.... it's too long. It's a big four firm but.... (to hell with the big four ranking). It's not about the firm's ranking. It's about what I want. And, I don't know what I want. Is this what I want? Being an auditor (or the likes)? How can I be so boring? So uncreative? 'Creativity' is an offense in this field. One has to live by the defined principles. You cannot digress. You cannot think on your own. Okay, I'm in Risk Advisory (it's a lot better than audit) but... uh. I never even wanted to work a job, in the first place. It's not even a part of my long-term goals. (Do I even have long-term goals?). I just want to complete my studies and then, unwind. Working..... I don't know. But... if this is not what I want then why the bloody hell am I so confused? Why don't I just decline? Why can I not decide? Oh Lord! Help me...... I feel like breaking down.

Precision is sweet...

'An-- ki jaga koi nahin le sakta.'

Period.

*triumphs*

I've been waiting for the moonlight... II

Yaad agaya!

What I was wanting to say was that Sid (John Abraham) in the movie (Jhoota Hi Sahi) stammers. His stammer was cute though. So anyways, I used to stammer too, sometime back. It used to happen very seldom though, but I don't know I somehow started to stammer. My stammer was pretty slight- almost negligible and, it happened sometimes only. The funny part is, I didn't stutter as a kid but somehow I developed this habit in my teenage. Even now, I stammer at a word sometimes. But as I said, it happens seldom and it's almost unnoticeable. Phew. *grins*

Umm... So, once I was telling R. api about how I've started stammering all of a sudden; she laughed it off and said, 'They say if you start being with people who stammer you yourself might catch a stammer....'. I knew what she meant by this. And, I had to look away to conceal the smile that was slowly crawling up my lips. She, of all people, must know that the people who stammered once don't stammer anymore- not really.

I had a yummy qeema today. What made it even more yummy was the fact that I had lunch at five-ish and hence, was starved. Then, as I got up to wash my hands off after having my lunch I professed my love of qeema to ama jani. And then she said, 'Acha... Magar tum tameez se tou nahi khaati', to which I said 'Na ami, I am always just with the qeema...' *smiles* and absolutely out of nowhere my mother exclaimed, 'Yeah, Z. likes qeema too...' And I was like, '....' Where did Z. come from ami, I wondered inside my head. We were talking about qeema mum, not Z. *smiles*

Hmmm.... You too are one hell of a character, aren't you? *smiles* Everybody loves you so much. You make me jealous, you know. You do. And, I used to make you jealous-once, I know. *smiles*

I've been waiting for the moonlight...

"Yeh zindagi kitni khoobsurat hai... Aur is zindagi ke siwa kya hai humaray pass...?"
[Jhoota Hi Sahi]

I just watched the movie. It was lovely. Hilarious too. *smiles* Becoming friends with strangers and yet, remaining strangers, I like the idea. It's probably easier to speak to people who don't know you and whom you don't know. I wish.... Ahh forget it! I'm wishing too much these days.

"Mount Everest kab gaya tu?"

"NASA chorne ke baad..."

Haha.

Uhh... Err... You know, there was actually something else that I wanted to write about magar...... Yaad he nahin araha ke kya... Ugh. Why can't I remember things? *frowns*

Uff.. I'm leaving.

Itsy bitsy tidbits..

Going to bed early isn't equal to sleeping early! *frowns* Phir jaldi uthadiyaaa.
♣
My new morning ritual... Listening to qawwalis.
♣
Had halwa puri in breakfast. Yummm... The aachar wass..... ahhh awesome. While I was haath saaf-ing on my halwa (haha), ami jani stopped me in the middle and scolded me for taking teeny-sized bites. I resisted but she persisted. Once she realised I am not going to increase the size of my bites she took the spoon from my platter, filled it with the halwa and put it in my mouth. I told her I shall take larger bite but she refused to listen. She made me finish the halwa with her own hands. Wow. Whatever came over her today. It's been long since I had food from her hands. It was awesome and a little embarrassing too- I'll be twenty-one in twenty one days. But she's my ama jaanii, no matter how old I get!
♣
I need to work out, despite the fact that my eating habits have gotten so messed up as I've been skipping meals. I shall start walking or jogging, may be. *feels too lazy to do either*
♣
I'm not reading blogs anymore, not really. I don't feel like commenting either. I don't know. I'm just disoriented. And then, someone's missing...
♣
Anonymous followers, hmm... Aren't we all anonymous, hiding behind veils of pseudonyms?
♣
You are a chronic liar, aren't you? Well, your habit has been innocuous to date but there is a tiny bit of a problem. The line between what's true and what's made-up is blurring... I'm afraid, I shall start taking your words for granted very soon.
♣
Only recently, I used to wonder how would it be like? To have feelings for someone you don't know; someone you've never met and you know you'll never meet; someone who doesn't even have a name; someone you don't even know if exits at all...
♣
I've been writing this post since morning... It nearly 4 on the clock now.
♣
It's raining.... But it's so quiet. I feel like speaking in whispers.
♣
Rouk sako tou pehli baarish ki boondo'n ko tum rouko
Kachi mitti tou mehkegi hai mitti ki majburi...
♣
Sighs...

You-'I'-me-'Miss'-we-'You' us...

Happy Birthday Bj. May you have many many many more. May God always bless you.

I love you. And, (I miss you).

Paghal.

Itni qasmein na kha'o ghabra ker... jao hum aitebaar karte hain

Part 1

Part 2

All in a day's work- Not

Something very funny happened today.

I cannot stop laughing thinking about it.

"I've been seeing you around... but haven't got a chance to speak to you..."

"...."

Really? Wow. It's must have been very difficult for you, yeah? Considering the way you speak to any and every one, not getting a chance to have spoken to me must have been uber tough on you.

I wish I wouldn't have come to that desk to use the other system. Lol.

Tsk. Tsk. *chuckles*

Words, retracted

You know how I stopped all of a sudden, in the middle of my sentence... I just realised I can no longer be as candid as I used to be. It was the funny; the way I suddenly started looking up at the tall buildings of PC and Sheraton, and started ranting about their awful location... Yes, I startled you with the sudden shift in gears but... Anyways.

To be or not to be: that is the question...

I was just being open with you. I thought I could say anything to you. I thought I could speak to you about any and everything. I was only being honest. I had no idea my honesty could prick you. I'll be careful next time... I will... But then, isn't concealing the truth as good as lying? I don't want to lie to you. But, I don't want to hurt you either...

Salman Khan.......

*lets out a cold sigh*

P.S. I've met him... in my dreams. Twice. *grins*

Raat ke khvaab sunaaye'n kis ko raat ke khvaab suhaanay thay

I saw a dream once. And, all of it felt more real than reality. However, it was far too beautiful to have been real. Ethereal, it was. Love, it was.

I fell in love- with someone... someone I know doesn't exist. It was, all of it, merely a figment of my dainty imagination. But, it was so real.

I was in a library, or was it a huge book store? It was a brightly lit and a very cozy place. S. was with me and we were sifting through the books resting on the shelves. I suddenly felt as if someone was watching me. I ignored the feeling and continued checking the books. However, the feeling grew stronger. I could sense the warmth of someone's stare and it was no longer possible to ignore. I looked around. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Just when I was about to shrug my shoulders and concentrate back on the book in my hands something caught my eye.

Someone was standing beside the shelves. A few feet away from where I was standing. I looked up from the book and... my moral compass went berserk. For a second, all the manners I had been taught vanished into thin air. My eyes froze. However, it was just a moment. I pulled myself together and turned to the book in front me. The words appeared undecipherable. They didn't seem to belong to any language that I knew of.

Something happened. The heart skipped a beat. Just a beat. And then, started beating faster than ever.

I had no idea where S. had gone. She wasn't with me. Gazing absently at the book, I watched through the corner of my eye, as the silhouette near the shelves drew closer to where I was until, it was standing next to me. I wished to leave but somehow, my feet were cemented to the ground. Every single muscle in my body defied my urge to move.

While my eyes were still locked with the unrecognized characters on the page, I caught a glimpse of some white papers drawn in front of me. I looked closely at the white pages. They were sketches of some kind. And, they looked familiar. It felt as if I knew the person in the sketches however, my mind couldn't process who.

I took the sketches in my hand. It was me. They were my sketches. I looked up to that stranger with eyes filled with astonishment. He looked back at me with a very blissful expression painted on his face. I could also sense a subtle smile hiding under his expressions. My awe seemed to amuse him, I assume.

I could feel myself blushing, I could feel the blood rushing across my face...

It's been quite a while- longer than a year. I don't remember much. All I know is that I fell in love. And, it was divine. Not a single word was uttered. It was a mime movie. Not a single gesture made. But... who needed words, who needed gestures. It was as if I had been in love with that stranger forever. As if I knew him ever since. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. I could feel my knees going weak.

Every single feeling, was so real. I felt it. It wasn't just a dream. It was more than that.

But, it couldn't have been real. It was all too magnificent to have been real. Those feelings, those moments... they didn't belong to this world. All of it was so idyllic. So surreal. So beautiful.

And that man, *smiles* who doesn't even exist... I fell in love with him.

The dilemma I've fallen into...

Happiness rips me off my creativity, or so I feel. In my case, they are two mutually exclusive events. I feel sad without happiness (obviously) and lost with creativity. In both the cases, I am at loss.

I have not written anything that is nice enough, lately. I have not written at all. It is not just the writer's block. Because, I am not having trouble dressing my thoughts with words but, I have no thoughts to begin with. It is as if my mind is empty. I am not thinking anything. No reflections. No introspect.

This is not me.  I am not liking this.

Am I saying I do not like being happy?

Sighs. I do not know. It is complicated. I just do not feel like my usual self. I feel over-dosed with happiness and everything else has crept away to the background. It is as if I no more have time to 'think', in my usual mellow manner. It is either I feel too happy to bother about other things, or I am too busy.

I am becoming like them, aren't I? Laugh. Love. Eat. Sleep. That is all. Tsk. No, this is not all. At least, it 'was' not before.  My days had more to them that these mundanities. My nights were calmer, anguished sometimes, but calmer. Good or bad, I know not. But, they were more profound than now.

I feel so unreal. So mundane. Just like everybody else. Just like them. I have not cried in front of Him since weeks. Do I think my sins have been effaced? Do I think I have no reason to cry any more? Do I think I have been forgiven? Because everything is so perfect?

I am afraid. I am afraid of everything being just the way I want it to be. I am not thanking Him enough. And, these might as well be tests for me from Him. I am afraid, I will fail.

I am afraid of being happy. Because, I know. I know no happiness is everlasting. Happiness slurs over time and something else takes its place. That something frightens me. Happiness and sorrows play in a random loop. It is cyclical. One is as inevitable as the other. You cannot escape either of them. I realise.

But such outward feeling of glee, is not what I am looking for. I do not mind being happy, I just... do not want it to be so very sophisticated. I merely want my profundity back.

P.S. Who ever would have thought being happy could be such predicament...?

Back view mirrors...

Can be magical.

♣♣♣♣♣♣

Raushan jamaal-e-yaar se hai anjuman tamaam

Dah'ka hu’aa hai aatish-e-gul se chaman tamaam

Hairat Ghuruur-e-husn se, shokhii se iztiraab

Dil ne bhii tere seekh liye hai'n chalan tamaam

Allah re husn-e-yaar kii khuubii ke khud-ba-khud

Rangiiniyo'n me'n duub gayaa pairahan tamaam

Dekho to husn-e-yaar kii jaaduu-nigaahiyaa'n

Behosh ek nazar me'n hu’ii anjuman tamaam