I don't care how many muscles frowning takes.

Why won't anyone ask me why I'm sad?

*hmph*

=(

Kissi ke paas waqt nahin hai ke koi mujhse kuch poochay, meri berabt baatain sunne, mujhe kuch sumjhaye. Kissi ke paas bhi.

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Kya karoun...?

Bohat thhak gayee hon mein.

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I wish there wouldn't have been any special hurry...

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.

--Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

The last unicorn is dead

Her tiny little palm rested on the cold spotless glass window, her fingers tapping to a tune inside her head.

Her head tilted from one side, to the other slowly, giving away her excitement and eagerness to get her eyes on everything possible. The sparkle in her eyes got brighter, until it turned into a twinkle. The head stopped oscillating from left to right, and now was tilted sideways on the right.

The mischief filled brown eyes had spotted something, perhaps. The pupils were glued on to something on the other side of the glass now.

And in that moment, the fingers stopped tapping, breathing was put on hold, the world ceased to exist, and the earth stood still.

That very brief moment, something sparkled in the pair of those naive eyes. A smiled crept across the cherry lips, very slowly. A dimple dug a dent in the rosy cheeks.

The preciousness of the expression was something beyond words, something right out of a fantasy.

But a brief moment it was, nevertheless.

A brief moment, before the stilled lashes quivered slightly, and the smile crept away as slowly as it came. The head was straight up now.

Her chubby little hand reached out for the little blue pocket on her yellow dress, her eyes still glued. Something clinked, before she drew a clenched fist back out. The gaze was broken as the eyes lowered  to stare at the florid palm stretched out, revealing a few randomly placed metal pieces- almost worthless.

She raised her head once again, and looked across the pane; the twinkle gone. The brown little eyes took a last good look, before letting out a muted sigh.

The gaze lowered to the palm again, and a bruised smile flickered for a split second only. The ruddy palm tilted sideways, followed by loud clinks as the metal touched the pavement.

Falling apart

Bit
by
bit...

Iztaraab

And here I am... again- in desperate need of someone, anyone.

*shakes head in disappointment*

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Umr kaise kattay gee Saif yahan
Raat kat'ti nazar nahin aati

Word of the day

Suffocation.

Of solitude and night skies...

As soothing as solitude may be, at times you do need someone to be with you, around you, just be there in any random sort of way.

They don't have to lend an ear to you, or a shoulder for that matter. They merely need to be there with you.

But at times like those, something or the other happens, and you end up being at the mercy of your own self.

It's not necessarily the people who are to be blamed really; most of the times, it's just the same ol' silly life being it's usual ironic self.

I don't want to be alone right now. But, I want a lot of other things as well, the odds of which occurring are equal to that of walking on the water.

There are times when you do not want to be left alone with your own self, because you're scared- of your very own self.

That might sound absurd, but believe you me, it is not even close.

So, for tonight I am pretty much solitary.

Everybody at home is deep under slumber's spell. Gruph, I talked with. Sheeday, will call tomorrow. Z had to call, didn't. Sloth, is off grid.

So, I guess it's me, music, and the night sky once again- old friends.

*speaks to the birdie ruffling its scruff*

What's wrong silly little birdie? Why won't you go to sleep? C'mon now, go to sleep. You'll be alright, little fuzzball.

-

Kya koi dua aisi bhi hosakti hai jis ke liye haath uthanay ki ijazat aapka dil shadeed khuwahish ke bawujood bhi na de sakay?

-

May you rest in peace, and may your families have the strength to endure such great loss. Ameen. - (In the name of the crash victims.)

Distractions

Dear Gruph,

I am sorry. I called you not because I missed you. Neither because I wanted to talk to you. Nor because I wanted to listen to you. I was not interested in what has been going on in your life, or what hasn't. As far as I am concerned, the absence of your calls and messages is adequate an indicator to imply everything is fine on your side.

I only called you up because... I wanted you to speak... so that your voice would subdue the hushed noises in my head. The haunting whispers, I wanted to shut them out, and I guess I needed your help with that.

My silence and solitude just happened to be aggravating the situation exponentially. I needed to distract my self, and you were an apt distraction, my friend.

I needed someone who'd talk and go on talking, without noticing my silence.

I am very sorry, because I feel guilty about it. I feel bad. But, I needed you, even if very ignobly.

Love,

Ann.

Not a great start for a weekend, is it now?

'You're losing points for this, you know... this tanziya mizaaj of yours...'

I never professed being a nice person really. I know how non-nice I am. But anyhow, better late than never. I'm glad you've started noticing. And this might just be the beginning... *smiles*

*whispers to herself* I wish you weren't so awful, love. *sighs with a faint smile*

Tsk.

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Past midnight blabber

Where to my precious?

That's wrong way for you, that too on a one way street.

Of white canvases and paints...

I'm making a painting in oil.... That too after eons.

I feel a little creaky and rustish though, but anyways...... *excited*

Here's a WIP snapshot...

P.S. Oil paints are such a pain when it comes to drying.... *sighs*

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Jedha vi tere dar te aye, o na kadi vi khaali jaye...

Shanaa'n uchiyaa'n teriyaa'n peeraa'n
Hovanr duur haneriyaa'n peeraa'n
Aasaa'n hain batheriyaa'n peeraa'n
Sun arzaa'n ajj meriyaa'n peeraa'n

Fragile, are we?

There rises an emotional surge or an uprising of a sort, to cave in sometimes, cave in to any and everything.

Sometimes- when you're walking on the edge; when you're a little too brittle on the inside.

When somewhere inside you a meek voice raises its head telling you that you cannot take it any longer.

When all your retaliations and rebellions switch to hibernation mode, and you are left with an odd self-defense mechanism- silence, surrender. And you look at yourself in the mirror in your head with a smirking awe; you never knew you had that potential in you, did you now?

Tsk.

It's just sad- so sad, when you realise that your absence isn't as saddening as you supposed it would be...

Of escapes, and reality checks

These past few days, in particular, it's almost as if I've been oscillating between two parallel universes; work and home.

To work, a brief escape from reality; and then back home, to the grim remembrance of a loss.

Dilemma- one of the many

At times, I actually feel the non-existence of a confidant in my life.

Someone, who isn't just willing to hear me out; but also whom I'm willing to confide in.

Finding the former isn't much of an ordeal; it's the latter that gives me a hard time really.

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Life; a means to an end...

Well, quiet literally.

I cannot recollect seeing him this tired, this exhausted before.

His eyes, so woeful; his smile, so broken.

...

Papa jaani, it is going to be alright. Time heals all hearts that bleed.

The Whos in her head

'Nahi sunu, it can go like this... ensure remediation of identified gaps and consequent updation of process and control documentation to ensure inclusion of new controls and proces...'

*interrupts the bullet train of presumed smartness with an air of grandiose indifference and inattention*

'You know, right now- in my head there are tiny people who live on a speck, from Whoville- and they are jumping everywhere inside my head.'

*utter shock of disbelief*

*gathers composure and speaks with words facepalimg themselves over and over again in incredulous ridicule*

'In my head, there was a train, jo ke ulatne wali thi but then you happened and said no no, abhi nahi... agay eik pole araha hai... ussey takra jao...!!' 

*straight outrageous fits of laughter for the next 4 minutes, followed by broken bits of chuckles*

Of swamps and hearts

The roots are spreading themselves into an intricate mesh, and holding more ground than ever. They are all over the place- weakening the very foundations of all the edifices that you once built so dearly.

What are you going to do with this poison tree that has grown in the murky swamps of your heart?

Like it used to

Waiting for that one day when all of this would actually tickle me in my guts and spread a smile across my lips which I'll try uselessly to conceal.

Respite

You are the brief warm ray of sunshine on a cold cloudy day.

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I need air... lots of fresh air.

'You should've went out for lunch- Do you want me to set you up for breakfast with gruphy?'

'Nooo! I don't want to go anywhere!' *almost yells*

'Do you want to go the outer space?' *looks intently*

'Yes! And never come back!' *traces of smile*

'How much do you like it guppy, the solitude?'

'A lot! It's amazing.'

.....

'Everything's going to be okay in the end. That's how it works- all the time.'

'Everything's going to be okay?! That's a huge claim, you know.' *smirks*

'That's how it is.'

'Theoretically, yes.'

'Theoretically, practically, actually, eventually, yes.'

*smiles faintly*

The sloppy sloth-y shrink

The sloth-y shrink lowered its specs until they nestled comfortably on the tip of its nose, and continued with a tone similar to that of a very wise wizard, 'And yes, try to smell less nice...'

The attentive patient tried to register the valuable piece of advice, however failing wonderfully at that... couldn't help but respond with an awkward gape followed by a distinct, however confused- 'huh?'

-

Ah, oh well!

I feel lackadaisical. Such a fun word it is, don't you agree?

You do?

Great.

That ends the conversation then.

Have a very good evening.

*sighs lackadaisically*

Strawberry-esque

Sloth: Kya matlab, tumhe waqai nahi mila, sara woh kha gai, seriously?

Me: *nods with a sad face*

Sloth: *surprised* Acha chalo at least you got the milk, how was the milk?

Me: Strawberry flavoured.

Sloth: ...

Me: We have to avoid the use of adjectives, remember!

Sloth: *rofl* I didn't see that coming! That was a good one.

Me: *grins and thinks to herself* I can be funny on an empty stomach.

(After a training on Business Report Writing by Shah Sahib which was of course successfully sabotaged by Renegade, and consequently went on for almost 3 hours.)

Jo mere naseeb ke harf thay...

'You're, on record, the most headstrong woman I've ever met. I find it hard to believe how you can give in to fate so easily...', with a tinge of dramatic anxiety, he said.

A subtle smile crossed her lips.

'That's where the life's irony plays its part', she said in a tone enveloped by cold neutrality.

Of life and its ironies...

So... Where are people when you really need them?

Deliberate blindness

Why won't they see me as I am? Why can't they see me as I see myself? If only they'd see me from the same lens as I do, they'd hate me as much.

I'm an awful person- wish you'd see things as they are.

Kab tak sunay gi raat, kahan tak sunaayn hum

I, hereby, would like to classify myself as an eternal mess.

*shakes herself in a failed attempt to find the last few drops of sense, if left at all*

Wake up, silly face! You're heading towards the edge of the cliff.

Aaaaaah. *runs amok*  W-a-k-e-u-p!!!!! Somebody wake her up, please.

♣

I've been told there's a little birdie inside my head. I am an aircraft and the birdie is the pilot- in case you were wondering how the birdie and I were related.

The birdie is flipping crazy, I've been told again.

The birdie is poofy, furry, fuzzy, and also very chubby. The birdie also has a very very furry tummy and bottom too.

*whistles away*

♣

Sighs.

♣

Did I mention I qualified my ACCA- Err... almost around eight months ago? Yeah, I know... I feel bad about not sharing it with you earlier, but oh well, I was upset about something and I suppose my excitement on becoming an affiliate was overshadowed by my concern for others things.

Uh.. And, I am also sorry for not mentioning the fact that I got engaged (sort of) in November... So, now I have a year or two left. Sighs.

*looks away*

♣

Two things that make can me weeeeelly weeeeeelly happy:

- A chilled glass of milk; and
- Cool fuzzy wind tickling me.

If I am a car's over heated carburetor, the above two things would be coolants.

♣

What can make me weeeelly weeeeeeely sad:

- Introspect; and
- A shit load of other things.

♣

I think I know how a planet who has strayed out of its orbit feels like.

♣

Zindagi itni bey-maqsad kion hogai hai aakhir... 

Kaisi anokhi baat re...

'Eik wada karo mujhse...'

'Yeh ke, kabhi mujhe kissi mushkil mein nahin dalougi.'

'Bolo...?'

'...... mein sumjhi nahin- kaisi mushkil?

'Bas, koi bhi mushkil!'

'Aur chahay uss ki wajah se mein he mushkil mein kion na parr jaa'on?'

'Haan!'

'Hmm...'

Of scents and sensibility

The sloth handed me an empty little bottle of scent a few days ago. Sloth's favorite scent, I reckon; it's some fragrance by Issey Miyake. 

-

There were times when I could not comprehend what you were, what your existence was. However, this very moment, as I snuggled into the arms of an airy fragrance that caressed my senses - the answer occurred to me, like an epiphany only.

Khushbu! Khushbu ho tum. Eik aisi mehsoor-kun khushbu jo hosh-o-khirad per kaabiz hojaye. Eik aisi khushbu jo wujood ke har ik issay mein bas jaye; jo khud wujood ka hissa ban jaye. Aisi khushbu jo alam-e-wajd mein le jaye; jo aas paas se beygaana kardey. Eik aisi khushbu jo dil-o-dimaagh ke nihaan khaanoun mein kahin chhup kar baith jaye.

Haan, haan khushbu he tou ho; jo saari fiza mein muntashir ho jaye; aur phir har guzartey lamhe ke saath madhum se madhum tar hoti chali jaye, yahan tak ke mukammal taur per ma'dooum hojaye. Wahi khushbu jo koi bhoola bisra khayal ban jaye. Aur jo kabhi ye khayal yaad-e-guzishta ke band kiwaar khol kar maazi ke dareechoun se jhaankay tou... eik mubham se muskurahat taskeen-e-jaan ka baa'is ban jaye. Phir jab yaadasht per gard-e-waqt ki teh dabeez se dabeez tar hoti chali jaye tou mehaz ik pareshan yaad ban jaye. Eik aisa khayal jiska suraagh na lagaya jasakay.

'Yeh khushbu... issay janta hon mein... bohat manoos si mehsoos hoti hai, magar... magar kuch yaad nahi parta...'

Eik aisi khushbu jo waqt ke saath saath sha'oor se nikal kar lasha'oor mein bas jaye, aur phir- lasha'oor ke ghannay jungloun mein raasta bhatak jaye- humesha humesha ke liye...

Haan bilkul aisi he khushbu ho tum. Eik hoshruba khushbu, jissay eik din mere lasha'oor ke jungloun mein kho jana hai- humesha ke liye.

Kaash iss khushbu ko kissi sheeshi mein qaid kiya jasakta.

Lies and I

Concealing the truth is just as good as lying, is it not now?

I've been keeping so much from you. So much.

Mujhe nahin maloom ke mein Parwardigaar se kya dua maangoun, aur kin alfaaz mein maangoun.

Life as we know it

It's Rapunzel's hair- only a lot less combed, and a lot more tangled. Oh and, it also has a lot more head-lice.

*grins*

Treacherous and twined

I am a liar. I lie. I am deceptive. I deceive.

I am a terrible person, but you cannot see. You look at me but with closed eyes. If only- you could see me with your eyes open. You'd see I am telling the truth- for once.

-

And I heard her whisper,


'I wish the Lord had made you as beautiful on the inside as He did on the outside...'

Treat for sore ears, aren't you now?

'...Goodnight guppyfish. Sab theek ho jaey ga.'

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Tangled

Let's have a good long laugh at our fates, shall we please?

Time to wake up, lil mad birdie! Time to wake up.

Those moments when you're so uber-happy, and then something strikes you like a lightening bolt...

This happiness, this bliss, it doesn't belong to you. Will never. Oh no, sir.

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Come to think of it

I am not much of a believer when it comes to love.

Yes, that is true. It's kind of sad, though (may be)- yet true.

What is love anyway? Sleepless nights, listless days, uh? I feel that way too- when I'm unwell. Characterizing love with traits similar to that of some disease? Excuse me please, but I must 'lol' at this, or even 'rofl' perhaps.

Define love for me please, will you? Oh and yes, pray also do tell how is it diagnosed?

*shakes head*

Pfffft

So much for good times, eh?

That day was my last day in the series of best days. I thought I was on a roll. But it turns out I wasn't.

Hello, irritability. Bye-bye good times. So long.

Illusionist

Don't believe what I say.

This world, my world, is a make-believe world. A world, where the line between what is real and what is an illusion is blurring further with every passing second. There are things in this world that exist one moment, and do not , the next.

There is no way you can know if what I tell you is true; if the places, people, things, that I've told you about really do exist.

I'm the last person, you should believe in.

Do yourself a favour, don't trust me- with anything.

To root, or not to root

That is the question!

I think I'm high on hash brownies.

One of the best days yesterday... Or was it today... Or will it be tomorrow. *smiles* 

-

You're making all this rather hard for yourself. Immensely hard. You, my dear, are paving your way to the most intense kind of nostalgia. The one that leaves no space for one's present, or even the future so to speak. 

I fail to comprehend what you're doing, or why. All this seems to fall beyond the boundaries of my logic and understanding. This my dear, indeed falls far far outside the boundaries of rationality. I do not get it, and neither do you, I safely assume. However, what I know is only the fact that this is going to sting you back. Real bad. And, what frightens me most is that  you're going to end up wounded.

But- do you care, I look at you and wonder. I shake my head and smile helplessly. Look at you, still smiling the most vibrant of smiles. As if it isn't your absurdity that we speak of, but someone else's. It's almost as if these facts that I state are slipping off the surface of your mind- the soapy surface of your mind.

Listen to me, love; pray do. There is still time to spare, even if very little, but there still is. Let's just step back and out of this lovely reverie of yours. Let's return to the real world. The world where things aren't so dainty, the world where most of what you see is in grayscale. It's not pretty, I accept; but it is real at least.

All I want is a burrow, to hide myself in.

Sighs.

People.

Why do they have to be so shallow?

I don't like a lot of people. Most of the people. Let's just say I don't like people. And well, I don't think they deserve to be liked. All my hate for humankind is pretty justified I guess.

How can their minds and souls be so polluted?

Nothing you do can raise you in their eyes. You are a wounded fawn and they are hyenas waiting, just waiting for you to wear out.

I wish I could live in a burrow. I don't want to meet people, talk to them, befriend them. I don't know where have I come from. If I am from here only, then why am I not like the usual crowd.

I cannot take all this. I can feel fear slowly creeping into me. I've started doubting and reassessing myself for everything. I knew I was never a good person. But that was just about it. I wasn't evaluating every action of mine. I wasn't doubting myself for every word someone said about me. It didn't bother me. I wasn't afraid of being judged. And now, I am. I feel vulnerable.

I don't want people to see me. To talk about me. Not even say good things about me. I've lost faith in everything. I don't trust anyone.

I putting up a good show of strength and all. But I don't know how long can I feign. My shield's broken; and the spears are coming in fast and too harsh in my direction.

I think I once knew where my solace was, but I'm not sure anymore.

I know Allah saa'een doesn't burden a soul with more than it can bear; am I really so strong then? How old am I, twenty two? Was it really necessary for me to know so much about people so soon? Couldn't all these illuminating discoveries have waited for me to actually grow up?

If only I was bunny, living in my comfy burrow somewhere under the ground. I'm tired. Honestly, I am. It's always the same thing, the same level of shallowness; with new faces only. Why in the heck have I not gotten immune to all this?

I feel so poisonous; I'm afraid I might begin to poison everything else around me as well.

Ahh bummer, it's the nice-ness fit again.

B, Majworld, Ally, Sid, you guys are awesome!

*wide smile*

I don't really know what's gotten into me right now. This is your moment though, since I'm not so nice normally. =P

Aay musalmaa'n...

Aay musalmaa'n kaash socha hota
Kay Muhammad (SAWAW) ka nawaasa hai yeh
Halat-e-sajda mein hai baykas-o-majboor bhi hai
Aur kaee roz ka pyaasa hai yeh

Boli Zainab(SA) zulm Shabbir(AS) pe dhaanay waalo'n
Patharou'n kay talay ma'iyat ko chhupanay waalo'n
Haye kaandhay pe uthatay thay jinhein Khatmay Rasul (SAWAW)
Meray us bhai ka laasha hai yeh

Jis ka Ghazi(AS) na raha aur Ali Akbar(AS) na bacha
Bhai ki laash pay khul kay jisay ronay na diya
Aaj matam sar-e-bazaar jo hum kartay hay
Issi Zainab(SA) ka dilaasa hai yeh

Sayyedoun ka bhara ghaar baar jalaya kyun hai
Bibiyon ko sar-e-bazaar phiraaya kyun hai
Tu ne tou yeh bhi na socha ke jo qaidi hain banay
Paak Zahra(SA) ka asaasa hain yeh

Main hun Zainab(SA) mujhe Haider(AS) tu sumajta kyun hai
Sun kay khutba mera mal’oon bigarta kyun hai
Boli Zainab(SA) ke yeh khutba hi nahin sun aay Yazid
Paak Quran ka khulaasa hai yeh

Saani-e-Zahra(SA) ki Akhtar yeh ataa hai tujhko
Noha likhnay ke liye dard mila hai tujh ko
Tere alfaaz mein hai Fatima Zahra(SA) ki dua
Tera andaaz judaa sa hai yeh

Alive- and for how long sir?

This world, it does not stop for any one, does it? Let alone stopping, it does not even slow down.

And death... It appears to be the only truth that remains afloat above this vibrant ocean of fallacious life.

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It's a rant, you can pass.

Holy tabasco sauce... my cousins are weird. They are bickering. And not just bickering (bickering is okay), they're bickering over their facebook walls. O_o

I'm contemplating the idea of disowning them.

*disgusted look*

They are adults! Not just adults, big adults!

A couple of them quarreling over video games. MW3 is better, no BF3 is better. PC is better, hell no, my xbox is better. While the others are bickering over the definition of adjectives like... take 'sharp' for example. The argument over video games and consoles was reasonable, until one of my cousins started bloating himself with all the big talk about his oh-so-awesome system specs.

Yes, we know you tech savvy Einstein, you got the best machine. BUT we ALSO know that you screwed your last system by overclocking it a little too much. Fried fish, 'twas. His machine getting fried was funny. *a brief pause* Ah well, it was for me! *rofl*

*huge agitated sigh*

I'm playing BF3 these days. It's alright. RUN didn't tickle my fancy either. MW3, I haven't tried yet. Although, I don't think BF3 and MW3 are supposed to be a lot of fun in single player. They're supposed to be played online, innit? But, anyways.

I would like to go to a gaming zone. Like the GHQ at atrium or the Tribal near the old metropolitan hotel. But I severely doubt the odds of that happening. I'm going to add this to my dream journal.

I went to arw's today. It was fun having lunch with her. Even my friends are like me, uber lazy. Especially arw and me, we are Garfield. I, however, like to think that I might be giving even Garfield a competition at laziness.

Although, sloth likes to disagree. Sloth says Garfield's lazy but he also likes eating. I don't like eating. Sloth doesn't want me to be Garfield because the sloth wants to be the Garfield.

I think I just felt a little irritated at the beginning of my rant post.

My cousins are pretty normal. Pretty cool, actually. No, let's just stick to normal. =P

Haye, what would I do without them? My good-for-nothing cousins. My one reason why I don't need a lot friends from the outside world.

♥

I'm really weird.True story.

There's something wrong with me.

There must be.

*facepalm* Why else have I started attracting weird crowd in here?

Weirdo-magnetism, much?

Such a bummer. *sulks*

P.S. Please stick to the content of the posts or the blog itself; do not cross talk, if you aren't able to do it in a decent manner. This is my blog, not your goddamn facebook account or wall, or whatever that good-for-nothing networking mess has to offer.

P.P.S. Something really absurdly hilarious happened today. Do you happen to know a person who has missed an exam, like accidentally or something?

I think I am going to miss you.

I really am.

Ali Un Wali Ullah

Yeh mai-e-wilaa humne barri shaan se pi hai

Humse jo bachi thi ussay Jibreel ne pi hai

Meesum ne issay charr ke sar-e-daar pe pi hai

Shab roz Abuzar ne jilaawatni mein pi hai

Is maikaday kausar ka faqat eik dhani hai

Yeh maula Ali hai, yeh maula Ali hai, yeh maula Ali hai.

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Humsafar chahiye, hujoom nahin

Zindagi se yehi gila hai mujhe

Tu bohat dair se mila hai mujhe

Tu muhabbat se koi chaal tou chal

Haar jaane ka hosla hai mujhe

Dil dharakta nahin tapakta hai

Kal jo khwaahish thi aabla hai mujhe

Humsafar chahiye, hujoom nahin

Ik musafir bhi qaafla hai mujhe

Kohkan ho ke Qais ho ke Faraz

Sab mein eik shaks he mila hai mujhey 

Life with socks on

Running (for your life) with your socks on is fun.

You accomplish two tasks.

1- You try not to fall and break your nose or head, depends which way you fall.

2- You try to run for your life, duh!

So I came to know that I not only wear two different shoes at times, but I've also somehow managed to wear two different sock altogether. They weren't even slightly similar- one was this irritating sort of pink while the other was purrrple. *feigns shock*

Oh, the purring reminds me that I'll be getting a kitty once I quit. Err... Which... I will soon. Yea. *coughs and tries to disappear* The sloth keeps throwing kitties at me but hey, I ate all those. *shrugs* So, will get one for myself when I.. quit.

I want to speak to my shrink. Right NOW.

ZZZzzzzzz... *Goes to sleep*

Life and associated silliness.

Winter winds are so *tries to come up with the exact word* comfy. No. That's not the precise feeling that I have in mind. They give you such warm fuzzy cozy feeling inside. They are soothing, to say the least. They're beautiful. Distracting. They almost have this ability to teleport you to another dimension; where there is only you and nothing else. Yes, I am a person who likes being alone, a lot.

I want this moment to freeze. This isn't the best. Not at all. There have been better- a lot better. Yet, I still want this moment to stop. Because I doubt what might come next.

Winters always mean trouble for me. Big trouble. But this time around it is really weird. I think know for sure that I am going to compromise. Why? Because I cannot allow myself a choice. There's too much at stake. And since I am the most insignificant of all things at stake, I'm going let go off myself.

Somethings happen too late in life. They become such a tease- the bloody what-ifs in capitals.

Some decisions in life are so freaking hard, you do not want to take them. You'd rather stall- for eternity. But you cannot buy that much time, can you?

You are walking down the road, you know your destination. But you do not wish to go there anymore. You now wish to walk into some uncharted territories... But you cannot go there either. If I were you, I would have stayed right where I was, wouldn't have moved even an inch in either direction. Would have spent my entire lifetime right there. I would have done exactly that, if I could have. Yes sir- there's the catch; could've. You cannot stay there.

I wish there was a third direction, I could have thrown myself into.

Have you ever had a wish that you could not pray for? Yes, a legit wish that you didn't have the courage to beg Him for. A wish that wouldn't have granted you the wealth of haft aqleem, but would have saved you from a deadly remorse. Yet, you cannot allow yourself to ask for it.

All in vain. Everything is useless. Utter vain.

I do not wish to spend my entire lifetime in regrets, remorse. What if these regrets never efface, even in the face of happiness?

So, I am going to pay for a slip I made over a decade ago. A wrong decision that I took then. I was a kid; and isn't it a little too late to punish for something done so long ago? Isn't it a little unfair? This is backstabbing with a slight modification, if you please; and backstabbing isn't cool. But I cannot complain. I own no such rights. I am but such a lowly creature after all. These are my sins- paying off.

Remorse, eats you on the inside. It's a parasite. Slow poison. You won't even know you're dying, until when you are actually on the brink of death.

'Isn't life grand', asks the sloth. 'Grander', I reply.

I am going to stay where I am, for as long as I can. I am not going to give in. I don't care what my destination is. I'll be there when I'll be there. For now, I am here. And I'll stay here. I am going to stall it for as long as I can.

If regret is my fate. Then let's face it. Let's look it in the eye.

Anyways, I think I'm gonna go and goof off around the house and bug my kin a little.

P.S. This incoherence- it is my life. Exciting, innit?

Pigeons, ostriches, and whatever else you can fancy.

I need to get this out of my system... I really do need to get this out.

Who should I talk to? Who should I talk to? Runs amok like a loco ostrich.

*frowns*

I don't like ostriches. They look goofy.

Should I talk to massi... She's understanding, and she has a vague little idea of what's going around. And I've tried lying to her by telling her that I'm A-okay- I don't think she believes me. But, no! I doubt its work-a-bility.

Crap.

Pigeons! Yes, pigeons; my ol' pals. 

*sulks*

Where will I ever find a pigeon at this hour of the eve? Not at my window sill, I'm sure. And let's suppose even if I do by some weird fluke, I cannot expect it to be awake for me- that'd be so demanding of me. Not a good idea. No more pigeons will befriend me anymore, if this news spreads- which is very likely, since pigeons are blabbermouths, I tell you.

*call*

*hangs up*

Shikaayt... Lol, gruphy says shikaayt when she means shikayat. Funny.

So... yes, back to the pigeon story. Nope- bad idea. *scratches it*

Pigeons are goofballs, says the sloth. I agree.

... Sighs. This isn't going to get any better, is it? There's no way. Who would've thought? Who could've thought?

Thought of the day- everyday these days.

What have you gotten yourself into, my love? How are you ever going to get out of it?

Memories and the need for parental control

How are you to inhibit your own self from reminiscing and cherishing certain memories of yours?

That's insane- flipping crazy, I tell you.

If only it was as easy as putting parental controls over apps or channels. Or I could just put them under a lock and key and then throw the key into a lake.

... I just hope I don't go crazy enough to jump into the lake later on looking for what I hurled in there. Let's just scratch the second idea; that'd be too dangerous- even for me.

What are we talking about here, again?

I tend to lose focus too quickly. Blame it on the shortest attention span ever- yes, why not!

Wait, where are my specs... oh wait, I have specs?  Lol.

Sighs.

I don't know who am I distracting, you or myself.

*shakes head*

P.S. Guess the world's not coming to an end then, eh? Too bad.

Haye Shaam...

Aay ghairat-e-Maryam tera bazaar mein jana
Na bhool sakay ga issay ta-hashr zamaana

Haye Zainab-o-Kulsum ki chhinti hain rida’ein
Jao aray lougo'n mere Ghazi ko bulana

Tu dukhtar-e-Zehra hai nawaasi hai Nabi (SAWAW) ki
Sar nangay tera Shaam ke bazaar mein jana

Ab khaak pe soye gi Sakina teri kaisay
Tha tu ne sikhaaya ussay seenay pe sulana

Mar jaa'yn jo shouhar tou panaah dete hain bhai
Kubra kahan jaye na raha koi thikaana

Uthti nahin baba se teri laash Ali Akbar
Tha tu ne he baitay mere laashay ko uthana

Aay ghairat-e-Maryam tera bazaar mein jana...

I ate a furry white kitty, I think.

There used to this little kitty... a white furry kitty.

I ate it.

*annoyed*

No, I didn't. That little baby used to sneak into my home through a little opening in our door. She used to  hide under my mother's bed usually. And, then I had to take her out of there and leave her outside after of course cuddling with it. It was so fluffy and adorable, I could've hugged it to death.

I saw it in the afternoon it. It is now a fully grown cat. It was so great seeing it after all this time. It's still as soft. I hope it remembers me. I knew recognized it instantly. It has always had two different coloured eyes. One slightly pink-ish, the other a little blue-ish. Funny kitty. Itna bara hogaya hai. *smiles*

Sighs.

...

Is anybody out there tonight?

*sulks*

Foreigners

I want to write how I feel, or what I feel- even if nothing. But it doesn't come to me anymore.

Words are now very foreign to me, and I to them.

Chum-chum

Chum-less tonight.

Gruph is... we're not... I don't know- our diplomatic terms aren't at their best these days. It's my ego this time. But! Even if I decide to put aside my ego, she'd still be too tired or busy to listen to my rants.

The Sloth... feels probably just a little overwhelmed by all the troubles that I dump on it. It resigned (or not, may be). I don't know, but I accepted its resignation as my shrink tonight. Sloth said it wanted to be a Porsche test engineer, and wondered what it was doing in finance and being a shrink. I was offended.

We're not technically in finance, so to speak. Hmph. And, where did shrink-ing come from. I thought we were friends. *really cross*

*sad face*

Fofo is... busy getting married.

Massi and arw are busy attending her wedding functions.

There! That was all I had in the name of friends.


*shakes head*

I'm really sad now. And, angry!

Funny when...

You're really upset, and you hail at a person by calling out their name only and not a single word more, and you hear...

'So, what kind of trouble did you get yourself into this time...?'

...

It's that how-in-the-heavens-did-you-know moment. Kind of makes you forget your troubles momentarily. True story.

Chums are a bliss, when they are there.

Sighs.

Those brief moments of bliss (and agony)

When you smile the heartiest of smiles one moment, and cringe with pangs of remorse the next.

Remorse... because a voice inside your head admonishes you and condemns you for reminiscing those memories with joy. You are, but supposed to lament upon those moments with regret, my love.

Moments that supposedly are not allowed to nestle in the warm niches that you've decorated for dainty sweet memories, but to be treated as memories that are to be sent to an exile. 

You are not expected to rejoice those moments, my dear. You are to repent upon them, as on cardinal sins.

I don't follow how it works... How can existence of things that paint a blissful smile across your face possibly be so painful at the same time?

'Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you...'

Shehenshah-e-Wafa

Assalaam'alaika Ya Abul Fazal Abbas Alamdaar...

Why is this the one of the most favourite of all phrases that have ever been uttered by this lowly tongue... I can never reach a conclusion.

There's always a sudden surge of bliss that runs down this ignoble soul of mine for some reason.

~

Naubat bajji, sajji woh khayaloun ki anjuman

Paida hui jabeen-e-takhaiyul pe ik shikan
Bikhri shafaq ki mouj main dhul dhul ke her kiran

Pehna uroos-e-waqt ne ghairat ka pairahan

Ubhra hai maahtaab jo “Umul Baneen” ka

Milta hai asmaan se muqaddar zameen ka

Allah rey bachpane mein yeh Abbas ki phaban

Angrraiyoun mein gum hai qayamat ka baa'nkpun

Tewar hain shookh shookh tou chehra chaman chaman

Ankhain shafaq shafaq hain tou zulfain shikan shikan

Abbas kibriya ka ajab intekhab tha

Tifli mein bhi Ali ka mukammal shabab tha

Mayaar mein urooj tou kirdaar lazawaal

Guftaar mein tha nutq-e-imamat ka har kamaal

Raftaar mein woh azm ke mehshaar bhi paimaal

Chehray pe woh jalaal ke yaad aye Zuljalaal

Abbas karbala mein who johar dikha gaya

Boorrhay bahaduroun ko Ali yaad agaya

Abbas ouj-e-haq bhi guroor-e-anaam bhi

Azbar tha jisko mas'haf-e-haq ka kalaam bhi

Husn-e-furough-e-sabar-o-naseer-e-imam bhi

Bhai bhi tha, musheer-e-safar bhi, ghulam bhi

Abbas bandagi mein who aaqa nawaz tha

Shabbir fakhar kartay thay, Zainab ko naaz tha

Jiski jabeen ke bal se zyada na thi furaat

Virsay mein paagaya jo shuja'at ki kaainaat

Qadmoun ki thoukaroun se lipattay thay moujzaat

Muthhi mein Buturaab ki haibat ke hadsaat

Abbas ka waqar qayamat ki cheez thi 

Sabr-o-raza ghulam, sharafat kaneez thi

Har simt haadsoun ki sinanen garri rahin

Nazrain faraz-e-arsh-e-barin se larri rahin

Pa'oon ki thoukaroun mein rakabain parri rahin

Kabze mein zulfiqar ki nabzain arri rahin

Har shab ke dil mein jiski chamak ka hiraas tha 

Abbas woh azeem sitara shunaas tha

Morning!

How do you think it would feel to live each day of your life in regret, in remorse?

Come to think of it, I've been doing that ever since, what was it... 2008, yes. (It wasn't so bad before that.)

Made the wrong decisions, took the wrong turns. And all that for what, peanuts? Hah.

I was never my priority. I wish I had cared for myself a little more than I cared for others.

I never wanted to burden someone, and I compromised on myself.

Looking at S just makes it all the more worse. She just makes the impact of my self-inflicted remorse so much more intense. I come to realize what a fool I've been.

Had I only been a little more selfish. Had I only been somwhere on my own priority list.

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And again....

I feel tired.

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Truth and other twisted things...

Only lately, I have realized how hard it is to be honest... And how convenient a lie can be.

Weigh the pros and cons of revealing a truth with that of concealing it with a lie... I'm afraid I don't see how a lie may hurt you albeit, I actually know how much power a truth holds to harm you.

People aren't generous. People don't forgive. They don't forget either.

Honesty- What good is it anyway? Satisfies your conscience, and just that? And what of that life-long trust that you might lose in this noble endeavor of trying to hold up high your conscience's head, by confessing a mistake with honesty?

I don't know but, perhaps hurting your conscience with a bit of remorse is a lot easier to take than the agonizing pangs of distrust...

Call me immoral, my principles twisted, it does not matter. There's only a limit to the agony I can bear. I would rather trade honesty than buy more hurt for myself.

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'Up' the memory lane, or something...

What not have I lost? Thoughts, words, sanity, ability to distinguish those silver linings, and so much more. I've almost lost count.

Sighs.

Do you hear what I hear?

Do you hear yourself?

... Then I hope you can also listen to the absurdity underlying your speech.

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Change of address

http://sunkeeann.blogspot.com/

Dear who-ever-you-guys-are,

Please note by, that the blog will be shifting to the afore mentioned blogspot address by... err... wednesday, I guess.

Blogger is weird though. It's not as easy a process as it seems- changing blog address, I tell you. 

P.S. This would hopefully end all the MIA games that I've been playing lately. It'll be sad if I lose any of you nice people during this transition, though.

Reversion

For the time being.

Very soon- Sunkee shall be the new 'Outlandish'.

P.S. is the hint too obvious, or is it even enough on the contrary? =P

P.P.S. don't want to lose all you nice oompa loompas out there, actually.

In darkness of a prospect

You don't know who to trust, do you?

The esteem and regard, your most prized possessions, that you had reared for yourself over such a long period of time- you feel them slipping out of your hands, don't you?

The fear of losing them is sneaking up on you, is it not my love?

And what if you do lose it all? What if you lose what you've worn your fingers to the bones for?

Is it because you tripped somehow, somewhere?

Or is it because those filth covered beings who've wrecked their once-existing conscience wish to bring you down, my love?

They say only you can answer the question. But then, can you?

Sunkee-ness!

Had to change. 

I hope you guys can still reach me.

Here I am, with all my sunkee-ness.... until I find a decent name for myself and this blog.

Twenty-two, and counting.

*wipes away the sweat from the brow*

Birthdays are no more fun.

Thank God it's over.

A cake-less birthday- but almost. The day was somehow saved.

Another stupid birthday went swooshing by. I don't feel special anymore- neither does anyone attempt at that.

It's just that...

*yawns*

I should go to bed.

Shab-bakhair.

Idols

Does not feel very good when your idols wear and tear with the passage of time. The deception of their existence is accentuated, and you begin doubting your own credibility.

Hai kahaan ka irada...

Such batao k iss chaandni raat mein

Kis se waada kiya hai, kahaan jaogay...?

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I want to speak..

But, do you want to hear?

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drizzle over me, until i transform into an eternal lake

a desert... whose thirst never quenches.

come rain, come storm- the yearning never ceases.


the dry cracks, no one can fill in. they might not show after a repleting shower; but for how long, my dear? how long? they'll come back. the tired, parched winds shall suck away every tiny bit of moisture in no time. and will they be wrong in doing so? but, not at all. we fight for survival, all of us, don't we?

the scorching sun, will be back tomorrow. more than willing to sear every inch of this surface.


it's never enough.

the comfort of a single rainy day, is not enough- by any means.

but then who knows what is enough...

perhaps, the yearning, the longing, is an intrinsic trait.

perhaps, there will never be enough..

a few million droplets of rain, are sweet. evanescent, nevertheless.

this wasteland, it often longs of a life as ephemeral as the sweetness of a pouring rain.

wishful thinking.

i'm shedding tears, and i don't know why.

true story.

-

take me away from all of this. 


you're my only bet now. i've gone all in this time. don't let me down.


be my escape, please- from everything.

times like these..

when you want to break someone's jaw.

here's the sitch now...

remember how i went awol a few weeks back? well, i went underground. cannot fill you in much on it- it's classified info. -shrugs- it's a national security concern -takes a pause-

-chuckles-

so, the deal is that i might need to change my name, probably.... i might even need to change my blog address perhaps. i know, that sounds so absurd irrespective of whatever reason there might be. i know. but, oh well.... i just have to- in order to preserve the insanity, the incongruity, the mindlessness and weirdness that has been long associated with this good-for-nothing blog.

therefore, help.

suggestion, anyone?

night.

p.s. have i wished you a happy eid mubarak? yes? no? oh well, eid mubarak [again- if i haven't already].

it's official.

i'm the most confused person, in my entire khandaan... which, as a matter of fact, is filled with a whole lot of confident [ over-confident at times, conceited too] brats.

however, my perplexed state of mind thoroughly amuses me whenever 'Sd reenacts it for me. it's such a precious[or semi]-lol-at-yourself moment.

p.s. and no, i'm not conceited. i just look that way. dysfunctional genes, i'd say. -lol-  -rofl-

p.p.s. eid mabrook.

p.p.p.s. disclaimer= this by no means implies that i have any slightest kind of antipathy for my family [khaandaan], they're amazing.

p.p.p.p.s i'm such a terribly fuzool person... good-for-nothing-sort.

i don't know what makes me happy.

i want to be happy- for a little while at least...

sighs. may be i should stop trying so much.

-shakes head-

-yawns-

just trying to re-emphasize a previously mentioned fact...

i am very messed up. very, i repeat.

observations=

i was strolling around my home with two different KINDS of slippers on, for almost.... half of the day. of course, i didn't happen to notice. my head is held too high. pfft.

my desktop's keyboard's shift key decided to die. my obliques now imply question marks. oh, and if you see the number '1' randomly sticking out it's tongue at you at the end of some sentence, then you must realise that no disrespect was intended- it now implies an exclamation mark1111111

if you see a leprechaun around your home... remember, it has nothing to do with my keyboard being dysfunctional- you just saw yourself in the mirror. it's okay1 you'll survive.

findings=

the fact that i wear two different types of shoes, or that this hasn't happened for the first time does not by any chance mean that i am messed up... it just points out to the fact that i'm am unaware of my surroundings.

the fact that my shift key does not work, once again does not by any chance verify the being messed up theory, it just tells us what superior degree of procrastination i posses.

there's nothing wrong about being a leprechaun.

conclusion=

i'm lost.

i'm lazy.

you're a leprechaun.

toodles.

despicable me, ha.

i've so bloody much to whine about. but just the thought of whining about that much stuff tires me out. true story.

life is in shambles. err.. okay, i'm lying. you can stop staring now. it's not in shambles. untrue story.

so, may be life's not in shambles, but my brain IS. O.K.A.Y?  i'm an inch close to being brain-fried. oh yes, expect it anytime.

whimpers. i'm a regal mess. yes, absobloodylutely regal. magnificent. and most importantly, unprecedented.

i'm so horible a person. facepalm. didn't want to say that, but then... i am. whines. my despicable-ity, topping the charts.

what are you waiting for? confetti, to fall off through your ceiling? go away now, i'm done.

0128

I'm such a grand fool. And absolutely thoughtless too.

I'm so very cross, I assure you that

I'm freakin' tired of certain people. And since I am actually tired, I'm going to stop fighting them- for the time being at least. I know cannot hold myself from fighting them but I'm going to lay low for a while, I suppose. I've become the buzz word, sadly enough. I think I'm also being targeted now. Huh, can you believe it? Therefore, I'm planning to go underground- I'm outnumbered, evidently.

Why is this (my) generation so bloody ridiculous?

I'm going to wail (read: assail) if you step on my tail, you dimwits. So, stay away and stay safe. Otherwise, don't go to your mommies crying about what a terrible person I am. It's not as if you hadn't received enough warnings.

Bloody unprofessionals. Sissy whiners. Inflated buffoons.

*deep breath*

Pfft, no?

I wouldn't want my husband (whoever the poor soul may be) to take me out to a belly dancing show! Na-ah! Not at all! 

*disgusted* 

Hullow! It's not a ghazal night. It's belly dancing, I'm talking about.

Pfft.

God!

Night.

I should go to sleep now.

P.S. Was about to write something a couple of hours ago but then, I got distracted... by some cartoons. (Oh, no pun intended, okay!) And, now I'm too sleepy to write anything. *yawns* Work tomorrow (today, actually). When will I quit? *frowns* Monday mornings, yuck. Pfft.

And...

How have we been lately...?

*that expression when you don't know whether you should attempt a smile or not*

I'll be back, and soon.

I promise.

All in a day's work, nothing much

Just when you think everything will be alright after all- fate finds a way to kick you exactly where your gut is. And then, you cough up blood!

The ogre speaks...

I'm such a horrible person, I have no parallel.

What else would you call person who'd ruin someone's birthday for them, who'd make them cry on their birthday.

I spoiled everything. I just... I'm so hideous. Look beneath this fair skin- and you'll see for yourself.

It's always my fault, is it not? No. No. If you think I'm saying this in that pity-seeking manner then you're gravely mistaken. I'm stating a fact, as a matter of fact. It is always my goddamn fault.

This isn't self pity. Trust me it's not. It's guilt, and it's killing me.

I am an ogre. A clumsy one. I'm not wretched, however. I'm just very unfortunate. Everything I touch... No, hold you horses; it doesn't turn into gold... it rather burns to ashes. I try to be good, but it doesn't really work out. I scare people. Sigh. I'm looking for love (platonic, you twit *scowls*) but then, hey! I'm an ogre, right? Shrek found love only because he lived in a world that was created by DreamWorks. Shrek was real! But his world... that was fiction. My world... is real. More real than it should be. There exit no Donkeys or Fionas.

I feel so ashamed, of my very own self. How can I hurt people, and that too so very often.

Fear and other funny things

Afraid, aren't we all? We all have fears. Some great, while some not so much.

And, do you know a funny thing about fear my friend?

The funny thing about fear, my dear, is that we only fear what we believe in. We only fear what we are certain of.

We fear God, because we believe in Him. Those who do not believe, do not fear Him.

We fear death, for we know it to be inevitable. There is no escape.

I am afraid, too. I have fears too.

I fear... being alone, being left out- not being loved.

And I think I'll repeat... the funny thing about fear, my friend, is that we only fear what we are certain of- regardless of whether we are aware of us being certain of it. We only fear what we believe is, or will be true!

There are fireflies inside my tummy right now, and I'm serious!

I'm a story writer. I mainly write... well, flops stories- what else.  I wrote another one today. It is about a... *thinks for sec* yea, a guppy fish and a... *thinks again* a sloth!

The sloth gave the guppy a paper handkerchief when it saw tears in the fish's eyes, and- the guppy fish gave the sloth its heart in return. The guppy wasn't very keen on taking favours, you see. So yes, the guppy gave its heart away just to return the favour. 


The End.

*looks away and starts whistling*

There, you just read a story about a tissue-paper-carrying sloth and a heartless guppy fish, who was also very dignified (or proud). *tadaaaa*

You, my friend just witnessed the very own work of my marvelous wackiness! If you've ever wished accomplishing something that no one else ever has; let me tell you mate that by reading my work of unparalleled insanity you...  just accomplished that! So, how does it feel... to get an opportunity to bask in the reflections of my magnificence?

Excuse me please, I feel a little dizzy. I've just put down my fourth shot of a dainty rainbow flavoured drink that had tiny little multicoloured fireflies in it, and it was served to me by a very handsome, young and sparkly leprechaun, or was it a hobgoblin dressed up as a leprechaun... Nope. I cannot remember anymore. And yup, in case you're still wondering, I just gulped down fireflies! Wooohooo.

Wait a sec! How did the sloth see tears in the guppy fish's eyes? I thought one could cry underwater without being noticed??

Pfft.

...

Aag ko khail pattangoun ne sumajh rakha hai

Sab ko anjaam ka darr ho yeh zaruri tou nahin...

I just called myself 'demented', huh?

It is hard to love me. I tell you it is. I don't really allow people much ground to stand on when it comes to loving me.

Disliking me might, on the other hand be less taxing.

I love you papa. (Yeahh, that's right! I'm sad... These two statements have become so synonymous. Sighs.)

He's the only person who must've never hated me- ever! Not even for a split of a nanosecond.

Sometimes, I start feeling like a stupid little attention-seeking, desperate kid. You know throwing all those nobody-loves-me tantrums, at myself of course. Lately, I haven't really been throwing tantrums at anyone except for well, myself... *looks away*

The only people who love me, love me because... Ah, they are poor souls, and are pretty helpless. They ain't got no choice, baby. They're bound. *sigh*

I'm so demented.

P.S. Don't sympathize, puh-leez!

P.P.S. Eid Mubarak everyone. Hope you guys had an awesome awesome time. I did too... Don't gawk like that. It's rude. And I'm not lying. Haan, I did have a good time na. True story bhaee!

P.P.S. bj (not BJ, lol) became a pa-paaah! You know what that makes me, haina? *smiles* I'm so happy about it. Allah saaa'iin... Thanks ♥!

P.P.P.S. I've confused you, no?

Musings at 0142

*whispers*

Am I crazy?