jaa aur koi zabt ki duniya talaash ker
aye ishq hum tou ab tere qaabil nahin rahe

Of unsound mind..

So, is it true what they say about you?

That you are- you are insane? A little deranged, perhaps?

Aaj bhi ka'abay ke chakkar mein hai masroof jahaan... Aaj tak Moula Ali(as) tera na sad'qa utraa

Hisaar-e-noor meri wus'at-e-bayaa'n mein nahin

Kahan se laa'on woh quwwat meri zubaa'n mein nahin

Ali ke baab mein humse na behes kar waa'iz

Mere yaqeen ki manzil tere gumaa'n mein nahin

I don't want any favours.

A part of me will die every time I take upon myself a favour, and I have no intention of letting myself die in such a sad way.

Thanks- but, I am sorry.

*smiles*

one bala down, one more to go..

Bala, as in monster in urdu and sindhi (and any other language).

I had Audit & Assurance exam today.... I don't know how it went. Cannot comment. Err.. cannot comment not because I'm reserving my comments but because... well, you have to know something to comment on it. Lol. Pata nahi kaise hua, seriously.

Khairu, opened the gate and went like, "Sahi thee wayu na baji" (It went alright, no?). And my grin grew wider, for God knows what reason. But he sounded cute. I had asked him to pray for me. Hence, he was asking about the exam. Khairu has the most cutest smile I've seen lately. *smiles* And, probably its because of this smile that I cannot scold him or be angry at him. I try speaking strictly with him when he doesn't do things right, but it doesn't really work. He's a good boy.

Khairrrr, met Gruphy and Gopher at the exam centre, which was lovely. Meeting lovely people unexpectedly is lovely indeed. And guess what, both of them happened to be waiting for me. *grins* I feel important. Gopher looked so immensely human, gopher is called a gopher for a reason you should understand. I introduced gopher and gruphy to each other, which was another lovely thing. So, all this loveliness sort of made me forget about the exam and its dreadfulness.

Gruphy left afterwards, so I was left with Gopher who had to wait reeeeally long because my driver decided to disappear somewhere. But, it was good catching up after soo many days. It was lovely, again. Lol.

I got home smiling, which made mum feel good. However, I did break it to her that I'm not smiling because I'm acing the exam. *grins* I told her how lovely the evening after exam had been. Then, I had a little chat with her about gopher and gruphy, and so she discovered that I was actually smiling at gopher's silliness. Even mum knows how silly gophers can be. *winks* Anyways, so ammi jani asked me to ask gopher to meet me on friday too at the exam centre (despite the fact that gopher doesn't have an exam on friday, lol) so that I can return home with a grin and not a grimace on my face.

Anyways, too much about gophers and gruphys.

Or, not.

Has it ever crossed your mind why all the people around me have nick names that sound like names that people would rather have for their pets, lol? No. Gruphy hates her nickname. Says it sounds like a dogs name. Not wrong, is that? Haha. And gopher has another animal-istic nick as well which is, 'sloth'. Sloth can be used as a swear too, you see. Here, try this. Say it grinding your teeth with wrath, 'YOUU, SLOTHH!!'. Haina? Haha. And then, there's a 'maindak'. I don't like maindak, hence maindak! I've gave Z a new nick as well. It's 'kambal', lol. No, don't ask. *chuckles* But yeah, kambal is very animal-istic. *smiles* I was tentatively called a 'white monkey' too. Again, don't ask.

I watched the musical from the 60's 'My Fair Lady'. Ufff. I've fallen in love with it. It was exceeding lovely. I think it'll be my favorite movie from now on. I didn't really have a 'favourite' movie up till now, can you believe it? Yes, it's kind of difficult for me to categorise things as 'my favourites'. I jump at disliking things, where as liking stuff has always been a problem for me. *sighs*

Here, have a giggle (at my miseries):

S (referring to ZB): She needs medical attention... She DOES

Me: Ha-ha. Even you needed medical attention, did we provide you with any such thing, no na? Tou isay kion dilwa'aingay?

BJ: Aur tum per tou medical bhi fail hogai, kion?

Me: *whaaaaaat*

S & ZB: Hahahahahahaha... *nearly rolling on the bed in fits of laughter*

Me: *jumps at BJ and starts beating him- day dreams*

The darkness, that swallowed me.

Why did I ever leave you? Why? And why did you let me go, back into those murky dark waters? Or may be you didn't. No. You didn't. You didn't let me go. I was the one who left you. I slipped out my hand from your hands. My love you for wasn't strong enough. My demons were stronger. I reverted back to the darkness that still thrived in some shady corners of my heart. The darkness took over me and swallowed my love for you with it.

My eyes were weak. The darkness that had grown on to me did not allow me to see the truth; the glory; you. I was foolish. I was ignorant. I was oblivious. I was walking farther and farther away from you, without even realising it. My mind did not recognise the darkness; my demons disguised it with light. My senses refused to even notice how dreary and grey this light was. And, so I kept walking.

My heart was silent. Silent as a grave. I realised not, that it was dying. Neither did I realise this silence to be the one that there is before a storm. So, I kept walking- into obscurity.

So, I kept walking- for days, and nights. I kept walking, until I it grew harder and harder for me to breath. Alas! The oblivion. I started gasping for air soon. Suffocated. I looked around, as if absurdly trying to see the air around me. I stopped. I had to. Every single muscle I moved seemed to rob me off the last bit of oxygen left in my blood. I inhaled as deep a breath as I could have, as if intending to inhale every single molecule of oxygen that was there around me. But, to no avail. There was none.

Panic started creeping into my skin. There was no air around me. I started gasping harder, louder and louder. My legs surrendered and brought me to ground. I was suffocating, right under an open sky. My heart raced faster, I could hear every single thud it made against my chest. My vision shrank. My head ached. Warm water seeped out of my eyes; eyes that had been dry ever since eons- it seemed. I was helpless, and alone.

The grey light grew dimmer and dimmer. I felt all walls closing in on me; except that there were no walls, anywhere. Fright penetrated the depths of my heart and then... And then, I thought of you. And then and only then, I realised my hand wasn't in yours. I tilted my head to look, tracking my eyes back on the path that I took here. My pupils dilated. Was it the shock, or the darkness? But what difference did it make? One or the same thing, weren't they?

There was no path. Only a haunting void. A vaccum. My heart stopped. My head fell back on ground. There was nothing. Except darkness. Above me. Below me. To my right. To my left. In every single direction, I saw it. Enveloping me, in itself. My body lay there on the ground, still as a corpse. The only thing negating death were my eyes, weeping; my lashes, shivering along with the eyelids. I wanted to scream- I had no voice. I wanted to call your name- I had no voice. All I wanted was to scream your name, but... I had no voice.

Ah God! Not again...

*a thoughtful smile*

Tolkien, others might not be... but, I am!

But, I certainly am.

Sighs.

Exams are around the corner and I'm not interested in studying. Despite this being my qualifying attempt, I've no motivation. No. Nada. I'm not really working hard. But then on a second thought, I never have. Nevertheless, I do at least try to put in some effort usually. However, I don't know what's wrong with me this time. I feel so disoriented. A little listless.

 I've had a change of heart with regards to a lot of things. I really do mean A LOT, when I say a lot. I'm not the same person I was last year, and it's kind of irritating because I've never really been good with such radical changes. 

But things change, right. Change is what connotes life, doesn't it. All of us have changed in some way or other. Let's see some illustrations: *smiles*

♠ Ally- she's farther away now then she used to be, physically and virtually as well.

♠ Sid- has plunged deeper into her lake of distress. No more happy posts from her anymore.

♠ B- is.... oh well, B has managed to remain B, I shall surmise. *smiles* He never used to blog often and, that hasn't changed much (so okay, I don't see how he has evolved- so let's just assume he hasn't!)

♠ Majworld- he's maturing at a rate faster than fast. His posts have changed from happy-go-lucky-everyday-stuff to deeper things. It sometimes makes me laugh at how closely and scrutinizingly he has started looking at things. Yes, I'm sorry majworld, but it makes me laugh. :P

So yes, we evolve with time, don't we? No surprise, if I did too, right? But... it isn't exactly what I could've ever imagined. I don't know at what point did I let go off myself, but I did. I was supposed to let go off other things but somehow I guess I let go off my own self. 

Honestly, and I don't care how cliched this sounds but, the ironic truth is that as soon as I changed.... my world turned to a perfect mirror image of my hopes and wishes. Only... it was too late. I somehow didn't want it anymore. So, it kind of doesn't matter now. *smirk*  Everything around me started falling right in its place; just that... I wasn't standing exactly where I used to before. And not to mention, my cynicism has escalated drastically. (Will write on it specifically, later sometimes).

Have I ever told you, that I don't have dreams? Dreams as in, like how people want to own a yacht (that's Gopher's dream, lol) or something else; or achieve something in life; et cetera. Yea, that sort of dreams. I can't think of any. I don't know if it's sad or what. I'm just not interested enough, so to speak. 

I was always dull and boring and, I still am. However, the only thing that's different now I guess is an added tinge of apathy and agitation.

And let me confess the most deplorable part of my (uncalled for) evolution- I have lost my connection with Him. I was a sinner, as far back as I can see myself. Never a saint, or even close. One of His worst creatures, I feel sad to admit. But there was still a connection. I feel disconnected now. My soul feels disconnected.

I want to revert back to Him. I want it so bad. I want it so bad!

So yeah, anyways. I'm going to go away now (well, I'm gonna try to), until my exams are over, and that'll be 10th June. I don't really think I'll be totally away though, because ever since the exam fever has started, loitering on blogspot seems to be the nicest thing to do. Han na, I want to do everything that doesn't spell 'S-T-U-D-Y'. Thank Lord, I've temporarily discontinued playing Crysis2. Will resume after exams though. But, I'm just concerned that Gopher would have completed it by then. *frowns* I hope not. *fingers crossed*

By the way, S made me listen to another silly song, (no, don't worry I'm not going to keep it a secret to stir curiosity this time) it's akon's chammak challo. God! What's up with songs these days? It's funny though, just the chammak challo part. It's funny because I made an inside joke out of it. But on a serious note, we need song writers, decent song writers, that is. Nevertheless, the previous song from dehli belly makes me go hahaha really! When I made my ami jani listen to it, she gave me a disgusted look as the song began. 'Aray yaaar *shakes head* isko music ki tarah mat lain iss ko mazah ke tanazur se dekhain', I protested (lol, no I didn't use either of the words mazah or tanazur. I couldn't have anyways, coz' I speak sindhi, remember silly!) *smiles* So, yes she laughed a little while listening, which means she thought it was funny too! 

Okie, I shall leave you now. You may let out a deep sigh of relieve. I know you want to. *smiles* 

Image courtesy: weheartit

And PENCHAR-ED, you shall be!

Buahahahahaaa... (excuse me- again)

Thought of the day: *I seem to have lost the tiny little last wee of gray matter that I was holding in my head's strongroom*

Oh well, this goes out for Furree, Ally and Ph_!! *winks*



You have to roll on floor after listening to this. You HAVE to! Otherwise.... Uhh otherwise... *err... I can't think of anything otherwise*

Khair, I'm such drama, no? *grins*

*rofl*

Hahahaha....

I just happened to listen to an absurdly hilarious Indian song! And, I liked it.

*chuckles*

Okie bye.

*turns back*

What?!

You want me to tell you what song?

Ha!

Na, I won't. Not yet, I mean. Emm... Kal bataongi.... shayad!!

Why?

Because.... *scratches head* Ah yes! Because, I'm evil (how can I forget). *angry at self*

*grins*

*frolics away*

P.S. Excuse me. Haha.

A few chuckles at noon

Ami is going to get gulnaz scolded from me some day, lol. Ami knows I come at the lunch/dinner table late, yet she consistently keeps sending her to let me know, 'A*** api bulrahe hain aapko', 'A*** api khana thanda hojaye ga', 'A*** api yeh', 'A*** api woh'.... Kissi din suna dungi mein uss bechari ko, I'm afraid. :P Daant tou khair khairu sahib bhi kha sakte hain, but odds for him are a little less because he doesn't hang in the doorway until he's assured that I'm coming, unlike gulnaz.

S and I were discussing a camera right now, and I asked her something about the other camera she was talking about but she was confusing it with another camera and I was irritated because she wasn't really getting me so I screamed. :P Mum was amused, not exactly what I expected. She hates it when I scream- but not this time, apparently. S giggled and remarked as I was leaving the lounge, 'Bilkul murad ho tum!'

I did a 180 degree spin.

'Who?'

'Murad!!' she said almost sticking out her tongue at me.

'Kaun muraa....' and just then I realised that she was reading a  novel.

'What the hell...' I thought, 'I'm sure murad won't be a good character'.

'Ami murad kon hota hai..', I asked agitatedly.

'Khud he parh lena', S interrupts and then mentions to mum, 'Hana ami, bilkul ussi ke jaisi hai'.

Ami laughs a little and says.... 'eik big'ra howa larka hai'.

My mouth almost drops open.

Kya yaaaaaar.... This is bad.

Lol.

You are not indispensable, and you're aware of it. You do realise that all of them can do without you; and do a lot better actually.

You're such a mess, dear one.

You try- I know. You try to be good, less stubborn, a little more comprising; but that almost always ends up in a way worse than you hope, doesn't it?

No one acknowledges.

But, you are very brave, my love. Very brave.

I love you, papa jani.

May you always always be as fresh and cheery as you sounded today. Ameen ameen ameen.

♥

Jaanay kab honge kum, is dunya ke ghum...

I was planning to come here to rant about my own self. About my silly issues. But then, all that seems so insignificant now.

I'm fuming. My sister asks me to lower down my voice whenever I'm discussing the attack on the Mehran Base with ami, telling me mum's sitting beside me only. But I cannot. Because I'm furious. I'm on the verge of pulling my hair off my head.

Six (or, so they say) godforsaken militants enter your base, blow up two of the best surveillance aircrafts that you have, martyr ten and injure fifteen or so of your men, and then, mother of all audacities, a couple of them manage to escape despite the fact that the entire area was cordoned off. How, God how? How in the world?

Just six goddamn men! Are you kidding me? You refuse any claims of hostage situations, you refute allegations of a security lapse. What was it then? A nawtankee, or something are you suggesting?

Taliban and al-qaeda sound such clichés to me now. Scapegoats that every and any one can use for every and any thing. They cannot of course be written-off completely with regards to this attack, however. But my grey cells say that navy hasn't really had much to do with these organisation. Had air force or army been under attack, they would sure be somewhere up in my list but it has been naval forces that have been under attack since the last month.

Manmohan Singh is sure as hell concerned about the safety of our nukes, as always. *rolls eyes* A cracker doesn't even go off completely in this country and his concern about our nukes pokes out its head. I'd kill to insert a sock in his mouth (though, a nuclear warhead sounds a lot better). Why aren't we being quick and reckless at drawing our guns and shooting the blame at India? Why not, I say? India has all the reasons, so to speak. They accuse us of everything. Why shouldn't we?

Don't give me the shit that we are mature people, who don't just put blames on others without first figuring things out in a proper manner. Don't give me the shit that we are very responsible people, unlike our dear neighbour. Because to be honest, it has only recently occurred to me that there is an immensely fine line between the so-called maturity and responsibility that has been referred to above and cowardice. And therefore, I cannot really figure out if we are mature and responsible or plain cowards- spineless.

This government has done nothing but led this country deeper into the dumps. I'm done and over with ranting about the catastrophes that Musharraf inflicted upon this land. This government is no better. It has only continued on- not to mention, very ardously, with what that wretched chawkidaar started. But then, any blind person with a tiniest wee of gray matter left would've seen it coming the same day Mr. Ten Percent took the office as the president.

The armed forces of my country that I was once in love with, cannot protect their own base. How in the world do they think they can protect my home? It was their base this time. How long before it's my home?

The state that we are in, is dismal. This is a plot to defame our nation, our armed forces. It's a gigantic game, that we've inadvertently become a part of. And what some of us haven't realised yet is the fact that we are fighting against our own bloody selves.

It wasn't out war. It wasn't!

Allah saa'iin please protect us and this country from everything, for the sake of Muhammad (sawaw) o aal-e-Muhammad (sawaw).

Contamination

Bohat zehr bhar gaya hai aap ke andar Ann, bohat zyada.

No, I haven't died- yet...

So... *awkward silence* What's up?

Is anybody missing me? Or, my senseless yakety yak-ing  for that matter?

*smiles heartily*

Did I ever tell you I get a dimple when I smile? Not on the both sides though. The right side's dimple disappeared as I grew up. And now, it's just me and my left side dimple.

That's all folks.

Okiethnxbye.

How old are you, my love?

Twenty-two, plus!

*speaks in a very gentle voice* Well my child, I think it's about time you decide to grow up. By now, well at least principally speaking, you should've grown out of the crushing phase. But, aren't some of us so adamant on not growing up?

*yells* Grow up, you nincompoop! Snap out of it now! Ugghh!

-
Exaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaams! Parhna warhna hai nahin, bas cheekhain maarni hain- Exams! Exams! Exams! Huh. *shakes head in disapproval*

Shift 2 is such a bummer! I don't like it, not even a tiny wee. The handling is so freakin' outta control. I'm sorry, I liked nfs because of the arcade experience that it offered. I'm not exactly into sim. when it comes to car racing games. So, if that's what they're planning to do from now onwards, I'm not really sure if I can keep up my love for it. :(

Crysis 2........ when will I play? Sighs.

Exams dou'n ya games complete karon. Hmph!

-

Jeeeez! (I just wanted to say that, lol) Rio is such a fun movie. 'Fun' doesn't even begin to define it.

*sings*  I wanna party... I wanna samba... I wanna party... *winks*

Okiethanksbye.

The drama, my love, never ends.

Not if you're in my shoes. *winks*

Any-the-ways.

What if someone tells you, right in your face, that they have a crush on you?

Chances are, around 50% or above, that they might as well be fooling around. (Well, because they are clowns after all.)

But, the odds are that they might just have said what they actually meant, coating it with humour so that if things got out of control they'd have a fire exit sort of emergency escape route and use humour/mischief as an alibi.

What do you do then? How do you make sure there is no such thing going on? 

*looks away*

*looks back again* 

What?! 

I'm just asking! Don't raise your eye-brow, for the love of God! I'm just curious. Hmph. 

Mein chala hon kion najaane
Kissi ajnabi ke peeche...

I just love Munni Begum's ghazals. Very much.

I think I just might be coming back to my senses...

Just a thought, but.

So, just to be clear on this- Dan and Blair were never meant for each other. It was just plain wishful thinking and that's all.

I'm still sad.

I've a history of shooing people away. I'm not just good at it, I'm marvelous. As gopher put it once, I'm so good I should get an award (Oscar) for it.

I repel. I'm horrible, and it makes me sad but I don't want to do anything about it. I don't want to change. I am what I am. Love me or leave me. There is no other option available. I won't give you a chance to love me, so you'll just have to stick with the second one. *frowns*

I need major pacification (if that is a word).

I feel so foolish.

Why can't I be a good person? The kind of person people adore.

I want to stop laughing, not even when we make people sit on leaves or when I make a fool out of gophers and steal phones from right beneath their noses. I don't want to laugh, no matter how funny things may be. I won't mind smiling though.

This is such an emo post. Yuck.

Z is the most awesome-st person on earth, God stopped manufacturing such creatures long ago.

I miss papa. He's at sea- again! Sighs. Godspeed, my beloved seaman.

G'night.

*tracing back her footsteps to sanity* It's going to be a wearing trip.

I'm sad- very sad.

:(

I think I'll just go hug my mommy.

Sighs.

Skidded off-road, have we?

I want to go back to the way I used to be.

Aloof. Disinterested. Indifferent.

Damnit. I don't like myself anymore, but then.... I don't remember liking myself- ever. Hah. *smirk*

Ik wird hai dam dam Ali Ali...

Steam rolling whatever I see... Huh, despicable me.

When I get angry. I get VERY angry. It's almost maddening. And when I that way, I don't want anyone to speak to me. I want everyone to shut up. Just do anything but don't talk to me when I go off at the deep end!

It's almost as if my anger is a dark force that dwells inside me, and all hell is on the brink of breaking loose when it's unleashed. It's frightening sometimes.

When I feel this demon coming out of its slumber, I fall silent. It's a creepy silence, I tell you. I don't speak to anyone. I'm quiet as a sea before a storm. I feel as if opening my mouth would allow this dark force to escape and devour everything around me.

Anyways.

Nose piercing, what d'ya say?

*smiles*

Do you have any idea, how much fun ciphering is? It's uber awesome!! *winks*

pharrell williams mp3s
Top MP3 downloads

I'm fine.

It's just the irony, that's killing me.... gently.

"Uh my type'd be the...... alone-in-the-corner sort..."

*chuckles on the inside*

Phunny stuph

I was just watching gossip girl (Yea cheesy, I know! I watch it some times- it's a guilty pleasure. =P) Anyways, so watching Dan and Blair in this particular episode (#16) from the latest season reminded me of... well... a couple of people.

The egotist snob and the witty-sarcastic smarty pants, lol. Sounds familiar, very familiar. *rofl*

Note: Just added another dream to my journal. *grins*

More grumblings...

I hate everyone.

I'm having a fun time and I want to share this with someone. But, no one's there. My friends (even my sisters) are too busy to lend an ear to my loco chronicles. Sighs. How many friends do I have anyways- FOUR! *Ok, you can stop staring now!* I know other people too!! *trying to defend myself* But I'd rather prefer them to be called 'acquaintances'. I'm sorry, I'm not very accepting.

Anyways so, I don't have anyone who'd listen to me. *long face*

I'm angry. But, I'm more sad than angry. And, I don't know, I don't want to talk to anyone. I feel very, very sad.

I called someone an '(uh-ga-lee) deh-cah-reh-shun peee-ee-sss' (jokingly, of course), but they were kinda mad at me for that. I didn't even realise they found it hurtful. Tsk. We're fine now, though.

I don't like it. I don't like anything.

Nobody wants to listen to me.

*walks out*

And there goes my bubble... POP!!!

I'm expecting too much out of my friends... No. No. It isn't their fault. It's mine. I'm the nincompoop. (Just felt like using that word, it sounds cool and then it's really long and then I've a thing for long words and.... Oh God! When? When will I ever stop diverging... Ugh.)

So yes, I'm the fool. What if I was there for her (always) when she needed a trash can to dump her anguish into, but she isn't? What then? Does it matter? Heck, no! It doesn't matter. It bloody does not!

I'm angry.

And I'm superfluous! (Don't stare. I just wanted to use that word.) But then well, on a second thought... May be, I am.

Newsflash: I don't even have real friends. The kind of friends that the poets and other idealogues babble about. I don't have any.

Just so that I'm clear on this...

When I said, at times no one will be around you when you need them the most. It was never implied that they won't be there because they aren't good enough. Or aren't sincere enough, so to speak. What I meant was, they won't be there because they cannot. (Some of them) would've if they could've. But they cannot.

And then may be, this was how it was to turn out. May be, your dear little fate wanted to see you face your troubles all by yourself. For better, or for worse.

*nuisance- interruptions* I'm NOT suicidal. I might just be homicidal, though. Hmph.

Lessons Learnt # 002

No matter how good your friends are, somehow none of them will be there with you when you need them the most.

I'm crazy. Are you?

I just knew I was crazy. What I didn't know was that I had a thing for craziness, and insanity. That's......... insane, right?

Oh my good Lord. Too many discoveries for a year that has just begun. Sighs.

I don't think I like twenty-eleven. It seems very naughty to me.

God save me. Please. Pretty please. *smiles*

Two beautiful paths that diverge- one is mine. The other, isn't.

I'm walking down a path that is ever so wonderful. With dainty flowers lined up by the sides. It's all so pleasant, so pretty.

However, there's a twist. And what would life be without its infamous twists and turns? So yes, there's a twist- A turn, actually. A wrong one.

I took a wrong turn. This lovely pathway that I'm treading upon, I'm not supposed to be here. No, sir.

The path, where I should be is beautiful too. Very, indeed. It's almost as lovely as this one. But...

But, this one has my favourite flowers.

*shrugs with a helpless smile*

I shall have to walk back, and I will. But won't it be sad journey, my friend?

I see you looking away, dear friend. Don't. You need not. Look me in my eyes, and tell me that all of this, doesn't matter. Tell me that with my gold fish memory (or worse), I won't be able to remember these sights for very long . It's just a matter of time. Tell me, I'm being silly. You know I won't mind. Because, that's true.

And, don't worry. I'm not sad. There's not even a single good reason to be sad about. You don't have to feel bad about me. Because, there's no good reason for that too.

Lessons Learnt # 001

'Somethings in life happen so late, they leave you rueful. And you wish futilely, had they never happened at all.'

Papa jani said 'yes'.

Why am I not happy? This was what I wanted.

What does my heart want? I thought this was it. But, is it?

What is this discontent, discomfort all about?

I shouldn't have allowed myself all this liberty. When and why did I ease my grip on my principles?

Will I ever forgive myself for this?

Kya yaaaar...

I thought I'd die but hey, what d'ya know- I didn't. Tough nut, huh. *shrugs*

Oh, I totally forgot to mention that I bunked work today. *rolls eyes* (For what, I wonder. Huh.) Anyways, so I'm sick of my work. This particular client, I mean. It's *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*. Yes, it's that bad!

Ok bye.

Yeh baazi ishq ki baazi hai...

Nerve-wrecking much?

*fingers crossed, praying under the breath*

Till then, I'd like to tell you that I've fallen in love... With this song, silly. =P A heart throbbing world cup song, after all those years. Ah, at last. Here:

Khe-Khe!

Image courtesy: Nandos (top), Lyceum fellow- KN (bottom)

"Nasruminallahe wa fatahun qareeb.."

I'm so bloody excited, my eyes are getting teary every now and then.

*utters in hushed tones* I think I'm going to die out of excitement today. 

*yells* Afridiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii bring the cup, man!!! I love thee so much. All of you!! 

*whispers under the breath* 

Allah saa'in please let my Pakistani team be triumphant. Ameen.

Are you ready?

The semi. *bites nails, fingers- eats herself*

My Green (little) men are taking the worldcup (inshaAllah). Yes sir, they are. Oh, yes. Just wait and watch.

P.S. I'm in love with this article I read today on one of the dawn blogs-  A touch of madness.

The nerve wrecking madness, it begins in T-minus 14 hours.

(Sheeet. A chill actually just ran down spine.) O_o I'm on the edge. But then, aren't we all? *smiles*

May Pakistan win this match and the finale. Ameen.

P.S. I have work tomorrow. These insensitive rascals, why don't they understand? Ugh.

P.P.S. My lasts few posts are not linked to each other in any way. Don't try and relate them with each other. Thank you.

Of cloudless climes and starry skies.

'Would you by any chance know, my love, what you and this night hold in common? It is but the exquisiteness, the glamour, the mystery, and most of all- the darkness, my precious.'

All I want to do is sit up, and stare into the darkness of the night. Feel the wind. Unleash my thoughts. Let them wander everywhere, anywhere.

 I just wish to stay up all night tonight and think. Think about... nothing. Think about everything.

'She walks in beauty, like the night

Of cloudless climes and starry skies..'

-- Lord Byron

The unravelling

I feel so sore. Everything and anything seems to succeed in making an impact, somehow.

I reckon there's only a little while left before I start disintegrating into tiny fragments. Fragments that shall be the telltales of my anguish, ambivalence, angst, and agony; my once-upon-a-time existence.

And she said...

It will be a tragedy, nonetheless my friend, if I lose you to these idle gossips, that are nothing but a second-rate product of small minds.

It will be a sad end for something that hasn't even started yet.

Disbelief

The moments when your heart contracts with a momentary but excruciating twinge, yet somehow, your lips curve into a smile- thoughtlessly.

Perhaps your senses go a little berserk, and forget their instinctive response.

Or perhaps, it's mere... Disbelief.

Time and time again...

Words fail me... Or not, perhaps.

May be I fail them?

I fail them.

Take me away... farthest away. *smiles*

Pocketful of sunshine

This MP3 was found at Dilandau MP3

Thy beauty, is an evil spirit, my love.

They said you are beautiful, strikingly.

But you replied them not with gratefulness. Instead, a voice rose from within you; with an undertone of repugnance. And, all you wanted to do was... scratch your face and make it bleed. 

*winks*

My sister thinks.... I'm going to fall in love.

*agitated sigh*

Oh God no! Please, no! Not me! Not me! Not me too! Damnit.

*runs amuk*

Will you...

...miss me?

I don't want to go to work today.

Mummmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy........!!!

*frowns*

I had a weird dream. Gopher was in it too, along with a few other people. And, we were on a beautiful island and.... Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! It's 8:28. *run for your lives*

*drops the drama* Gotta rush- okay bye!

How can aussies be represented by an animal as innocent-looking as a kangroo?

Hehe.

Haye Allah! Its so cute.

The glee after Pakistan nails a match. We are cicket fanatics, no.

Oh I love my team. And trust me when I say this, I'm one fan who loves them despite their inconsistencies, failures, and all that jazz. Yes, galiyan khatay hain mere se bhi. Ab itna tou haq banta hai yaar. Itna tou they owe it to me yaaar!! *winks*

So, yes. I didn't come here to express my delight on the victory. I just came here to say that- Lee is a jerk, and I hate him.

Haye Allaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I wanna jump up and down ke in gadhon ko hara diya!!!! Ullu kahin ke! Sumujhtey kya hain apne aap ko! Snobs! I hate them. I hate them. I hate them infinitetely!

*relieved sigh*

P.S. *wonders to herself* what was this post doing in the drafts. Hmm?

I'm tired. Sighs. I am.

*faint smile*

Like a clumsy silk worm, I'll smother myself by spinning my thread around my own self. *smirks*

Don't be sad. You can have my silk threads after I'm gone.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! England wins. Bleh.

What we call love, is a very stupid thing, y'know.

I loved you when you were little. Weak. Alone. I stood by you, when everyone else thought you were at fault. And well, they used to be right. But I just hated it when someone scolded you.

I was your shield.

Yes, I had to hear things for saving you even when you were wrong, even when you rightly deserved a good scolding. But it didn't matter. It didn't matter to me. Because I loved you. I fought for you. For all the wrong reasons, I know. You were never right. You were a brat. But it still didn't matter.

And now... *weary smile* You don't remember any of it, do you? Guess you were too young to notice.

It hurts a bit, but hey, I'm alright! *smiles*

Sighs.

Wild horses

Enough is enough. I need to work on myself. 

Wishes are wild horses, but they need to be reined in this time.

Oh brother!

Me: I actually used to beat him up.

Gopher: How did you beat him?

Me: I used to kick him, bite him, hit him, punch him...

Gopher: *confused pause* Is he your real brother...?

Me: *rofl*

Why art thou sleeves stained red?

Trust is an amazing thing. You either have it or you don't. There's no third form.

They broke you, didn't they?

But it was for love and love only, my dear. They loved you-  and they wanted you. So badly. Therefore, they had to, my love.  They had to cut you. Cut you into a hundred little pieces so that they could have you to themselves only. And now, each one of them has an equally divided number- of your remains.

Do not misjudge, precious. It was but, for love only.

Un-amusing musings

I hate how SMAAK sends me crazily hilarious sort of text messages but never replies to my replies. Grrr....

So anyways, I'm here to report a slight modification. Okay 'slight' is an under-under-under-statement.

I don't love the people I once used to, anymore. I mean not with the same fervor.

I like different people now. There's a whole lot of other people now who make me smile or laugh (in a very embarrassing way).

The old ones, I never thought I would stop loving them. I don't even think I have stopped. But, I'm afraid. What if this is a beginning- of an end?

My life works on the 'ceteris paribus' clause. All other things have to remain the same. They cannot change.

I've actually been running away from the old ones. I now see how unfair and incorrect they've been and somehow I don't find myself able to tolerate that anymore.

The blindfold- unfolds.

P.S. I wonder where anonymous is, these days?

Chutti. Ha-ha.

Following are some of the nicknames that I have earned myself (to date):

1- wuk-thee
2- thakoraa'in
3- num num
4- KC

Bas baqi I cannot reveal because they'll give my name away. =P

Good Morning.

Sweet berries ready for two ghosts're no different that you

Ghosts are now waiting for you.... 

O_o .... LOL

Okay something freakishly hilarious is happening. Blogger's feedjit gadget thinks I'm in Larkana. I visited a few blogs and that's where it is showing me from. Feedjit is going looney.

It's hilarious because... well, it is. It's an inside joke. Hehe.

And my axis skewed...

I've become a whiner, and please don't tell me how great a thing whining is, 'cause it's not.

Pa jani scolded me yesterday. A good scolding, it certainly was. He actually shouted at me. But, what amazed me was the fact that while he shouted at me not a single drop of tear rolled down my cheek. Neither did it quiver on my lashes. My eyes were dry. However, I wept later on.

I think I know why. It took a little while to penetrate. It took a little while to process things. It took a little whole to register. The immediate reaction was disbelief. And the pain registered only when my senses restored and clearly reckoned what had just happened.

He was really angry at me. And, it was my fault.

Apologizing is a horrific task, you must agree. It takes a lot of courage. Even if it's your own father in question. It's an ordeal in itself. The mere prospect that your apology may not be accepted makes your heart sink. You wonder if you should go through all the trouble of  screwing up your courage and trampling your ego only to face rejection.

He didn't answer me the first time I said 'sorry'. It shattered my heart into a trillion pieces. He just walked out on me. He returned in the afternoon and I had to apologize because it was killing me. He was dining, I went up to him again, said the same little pathetic word, and expected the same icy response. Something inside me was stabbing me. There was no reaction, yet again. My face went all red and my eyes found themselves unable to hold back any longer. My grip on the chair's back grew tighter. All I could manage to say was a meek 'sorry'. This time he heard.

He looked up and hugged me, resting his cheek on mine. And that was it for me. I broke into sobs.

I'm a very bad person.

How convenient!

We say things. And then we say 'just kidding'.

So what if I'm awful at cs?

How about you start playing games without the freaking 'cheatbook' or the goddamn trainers?

I have a 'new' crush. And, again.

You listen to Black-eyed Peas and I listen to Abida Parveen, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan (and the sorts).

This is trouble.

Trouble. Trouble. Trouble, I tell you.

I've lost the count for my crushes. Lovely.

Tomorrow is a chutti. Haye! I'm so happy.

I'm changing. As in, I'm not the same. Tsk. Damn!

Did I tell you I passed the God forsaken exam that I flunked in last time? I did. I passed. Oh dear God. Isn't it delightful?

Shig says I should stop acting like someone from shakespeare's family. Hehe. It's got something to do with the way that I speak/write/text/etc.

oh dear GOD!

Seven posts for Feburary! Oh no no! That's bad. And sad.

I'm sad.

But..... Baby you're a fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirework. Hehe. What I can't listen to Ms. Perry? Kya yaar? Give me a break, for God's sake.

*smiles*

AyiipeeyayeeyayAyiipeeyayeyoo!

"Tears popping out of eyes". That must be sight worth seeing. Haha.

Loser. What compels you to speak a language you are so pathetic in. I can only wonder. (Not that I created the language but hey! You are beyond hope.)


Haye! I'm so rude. Allah maafi!

I have no clue why and how do people tolerate me? My tantrums are so bloody inexplicable. Iring, I tell you. And yet, it seems to bother nobody. Not really, I mean.

Kisi din jootay paraingay mujhey yaqeenan, aur woh bhi sab mil kar maraingay! *besharmo wali grin*

And as for you precious, you are smothering me. Let me breathe- for Heaven's sake. Jaan leni hai kya? HUH!

Bye bye evdo. Hello ptcl. Hence, hellooo multiplayer!!! *grins*

I need space.

Have you played dead space? Yuck. Doom 3? Yuck yuck. Half-life? Yuck yuck yuck^infinity!

Shoo now. Do some work. Stop reading other people's blogs.

Hehe.

I am nuts.

Muskarao mat.

So are you!

Heart it!

I have only lately realised that Madhuri Dixit is/was gorgeous. Uff. Anntum! And Salman Khan. Oh-so-wonderful. I adore him.

But, I don't like you. Yes. You heard me, and you heard me right.

Oh wait. I'm not Alice, I'm the White Rabbit. Ugh.

I'm in for a new post. Are you?

Dude, work's been a mess. And I've been a bigger mess. Needless to say.

And the life goes on...

New recruitments. Nice people. Some of them are pretty fun actually. Except for one, whom I hate from the bottom of my heart. Oh wait, hate was around 5 on the scale of 10; I abhor him. Abhor was 9. SMAAK and I came up with a hate-o-meter today. SMAAK is one of the new additions. Awesome person. My jaws hurt pretty bad at the end of each day. 'Tum apni life mein itna kabhi nahin hansi hogi...', Shay-bro presumed accurately.

Zak, another nice guy. Actually had a crush on him for a first few days, but it soon washed away. He was engaged, anyways. Hehe. Then there's Ms. Alvi, who happens to be our own dumb-blonde type. Mr. Gandhi and P2, both nice and quiet persons.

Anyways, enough about them now.

As for me, I've been all over the place. Facing serious anger management issues. Throwing temper-tantrums on any and every body who is found near me within a 4 feet radius. God help them. SMAAK unfortunately faces the worst of me, his bad luck we're in the same team. We hate each other (or so we say).

Other than that, I haven't only mastered 'the look' but it has apparently become a permanent facial feature I suppose. *bummer* I keep giving everybody a very "sarra-howa" look (as put by Zak) that supposedly scares them away. SMAAK calls it the "thakura'yn look". Yes, he is mad in every possible way. Shay-bro suspects I love his company. Which is true, I'm afraid. Shay-bro also pointed out that I have started talking (and laughing) more than I used too.

Either my face has started giving everything away, or everybody around me (especially at work) has become a terrific face reader. They somehow score a bull's eye at guessing my mood. If my face is red like a tamatar then without doubt I'm either upset or angry. I also go tamatar when I laugh but laughing is pretty obvious, so no points for guessing. That's how F bhai puts it, at least.

So, someone hid my phone today. And oh my God, was I mad? I was madder than the mad-hatter gone evil. I was so pissed off. Al Amaan Al Hafeez. I couldn't find my phone so I just sat down with a face redder than the reddest tamatar. While, SMAAK apparently went on a search operation. I overreacted a bit, but it wasn't entirely my fault yar. I was already in a rotten mood because of what the idiot Pattoki said about me and SMAAK to Shay-bro. All my chirp went down the drain. I mean who the hell is that idiot to say how we should or should not behave. Us laughing is unprofessional, and him cracking tawdry jokes is very professional. What the hell? SMAAK doesn't know about this yet.

So, when my mood went from awesome to awful after the jerk Pattoki said what he said. SMAAK comes and says to me, "I loathe you, oh wait no. What was that word that you used, the one that was on 9. Yes, abhor. I abhor you so much that I wish to kill you and you abhor me equally but right now I'm seriously concerned about you. What's wrong? You were all perked-up a little while ago and now you look so depressed."

I laughed. Yes, I did. Even amongst all the angst and anger.

Oh yes, the phone story was unfinished. So, anyways after everybody realised how pissed off I was someone put my phone back inside my bag's front pocket while I went out (to regain my composure because all that rage was tearing my eyes up). I'm afraid come of them even caught me all teary eyed and I was kind of embarrassed. Well, eventually I realised I behaved pretty rudely with Zak and SMAAK so I apologized. Zak said there was no need while SMAAK. Uff. He put on his joker cap once again.

Khair, to sum it all. I need to control my rage. I need to laugh less. A smile would suffice, instead. I need to talk less. I need to be the way I used to be. Reserved and uninterested. This person that I am becoming- the funny, sarcastic, interesting, outspoken, wonderful person; it  is only allowed to exist within the window of my blog. It cannot come to life. It should not. I cannot allow myself that much liberty. I need to be careful. Why? I have no idea.

So, how have you been? *grins*

Sadist.

Sighs.

And, a kill-joy.

One or the same.

A wicked grown-up who tells a cute little kid with a broken tooth that tooth fairies do not exist.

It's all either a little too sweet or a little too bitter for my taste, love.

The line between love and hate is very fine.

And aren't you a little too careless? You often forget which side you're standing on, precious.

~    Phir palat kar nigaah nahin ayee

Tum per qurbaan hogayi hogi...

I'm looking for a rabbit hole, would you like to help?

There's so much love around, but then... there's never enough.

You cannot be under the water and drink it too, can you?

♣

Why does everyone care about me so much? Certain people do, that's alright. I understand. But why others? Why everyone?

This is insane. It isn't right and it doesn't make any sense.

I'm not that great.

But, I guess everybody I meet is.

I'm paranoid, yes sir. Thank you.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. So...?

What's up?

It's about the last post

 I even had an eleventh point....(and a twelfth, and thirteenth, and oh shut up!). We were talking about the eleventh point. I wanted to add how I never really get a lot of gifts. *frowns* I only get them on my birthdays usually.

So, guess what happened today! Yes, sir. I received a beautiful gift- a perfume. It's Essence de Femme. And, it's oh-so-lovely!

You know, it's never about the gift, I mean not in terms of the object that's being presented to you. What matters is the love and the warmth with which you're being given something. Haina?

I have so many silly/amusing-office-updates to share. Will do them soon, hopefully.

Sighs.

*smiles*

Let me count the ways...

Let's see how uneventful (read: humdrum, in its most superlative degree) my life is:

• I don't hang out with friends. Used to hang out with cousins, but it just doesn't happen anymore. And, I miss it.
• I don't go out for shopping. I intend on buying a lot of stuff but it never really materializes. I somehow always feel too tired when asked if I'd like to go on a shopping spree.
• I cannot really remember when was the last time I went out to have a decent dinner. Oh wait, I just remembered, it was on October. 
• I don't chit chat with my friends for long hours on the phone. I used to once, but not any more.
• I don't use facebook, msn messenger, skype or any other similar social networking mundanities. I've (dormant, or partially dormant) accounts everywhere, though.
• I watch tv or sit in front my computer when and if I've some free time.
• On being asked what I watch on tv, I answer, 'uh.. nothing in particular. Everything, actually."
• I've really stopped talking to people, because I've become severely irritable.
• For the same reason, people have stopped liking me. This should have happened quite a long time back, but hey, people around me are extra-ordinarily kind. God bless them. (And, as for those who haven't yet somehow stopped liking me- I treat them pretty severely.)
• I don't have a hobby any more. I don't draw. I don't paint. I don't do anything at all. Nothing. I don't even like chocolates anymore. Not that it was a hobby, but anyways- just for the sake of mentioning.

I managed to come up with ten things. Huh, lovely! Even turtles have a life more eventful than mine.

Sighs. 

Why so serious, my friend?

Fed smashed Wawrinka with such ease. Oh it was lovely watching the match!

Well, I woke up for Fajr (which I haven't been doing lately- God! Why have I started missing my prayers).  And then, didn't go back to bed because... oh well, it doesn't really concern you so why bother knowing? (I don't want to burden your little brains with an overdose of information, see I'm kind enough.) So anyways, I switched on the TV, and after skipping a few useless channels, star sports popped up and I realised, 'oye! it's tuesday! Aaj tou match tha!' Khair, it turned out I was fairly lucky as the match had just started.

Let's thank Z, for Z was the reason  I didn't go to bed after Fajr.

Something really funny happened on the breakfast table. Something nahin, something(s) actually.  Hehe.

I'm a chatter-box as you must have ascertained already. A very choosy and reserved chatter-box, though. *grins*

Incident # I:

Discussing politics. ******************** This info is censored *************** Hehe. Khair, then papa says to mum. "bas Sindhi's are a very lazy qaum". Well, he actually said 'had-haram". Lol.

I said to ammi in a low voice, "Bilkul papa, mujhe he dekh lain."

I called my self  a 'had-haram'.

Mum burst into (subdued) laughter.

Papa didn't notice and went on, "Achay khaasay parhay likhay lougon ka bhi ye hi haal hai."

Me ( still in a lowly voice): "Wahi tou mein keh rahi hon"

Mum: still laughing.

Papa: "And especially, interior side per tou bohat zyada aisa hai"

Me: "Nope papa, baray baray shehron mein rehne walon ka bhi yehi haal hai, khud he dekh lain."

Mum: laughing

Papa: "Aur sab se buri baat interior ki ke mard bethay hotey hain aur unki wives are forced to do the odd jobs"

Mum, stops laughing and objects: "Na sa'iin, this is true for the Riyastiis only."

Me: "Ha, ha, Sindhyon ki tou wives bhi ghar per bethi rehti hain"

Mum goes into a fit of laughter. And, this time papa asks what is she laughing about.

Hehe.

I can be a clown.

Incident # 2:

 I was paka-ing ammi on how happy I'm that I didn't sleep and got to watch the match. So, I was telling her and everybody else (including papa) how Wawrinka smashed his racquet and how it got totally bent. And this is how it went on:

Me: So it was a fiber racquet na, that's why it didn't snap into two. But he threw it so hard, uff.... it folded into half. Per ammi I don't like it when players throw their bats or racquets, it's not un-sportsmen-like.

Ammi, who was silently listening to me babble, uttered:

'Jaani, yeh tou kuch bhi nahi. Had you been in their place, my child, you would have thrown your gears not on the ground, but aimed them at your opponent's face. Sar phaar dena tha tum ne tou unka.'

Uff... Everybody started laughing so bad. I was so embarrassed. *smiles sheepishly*

Haye Allah! I'm so notorious.

Sighs.

♥

Cyber world is creepy.

Z could have been a hacker, and that too a successful one.

I was having an issue while running a file, so I bugged Z to resolve that. Z asked me to connect my phone to the computer. I did. Z established a connection with my system through my phone's GPRS using an SSL. Din Diharay intrusion, woh bhi with my permission. *worried* Well, it wasn't din diharay, to be precise.

Anyways, so Z actually used my system right in front of my eyes. I could see my mouse cursor moving, and windows popping in and out. It was kind of creepy, really.

Once Z was done, I shrieked, "Get out of my computer. Now!" To which, Z couldn't help, but laugh.

Any-the-how, I have got so many games stacked up. I'v got:

i) NFS Hot Pursuit- Reloaded -- They launched a sequel to Hot Pursuit. Yay!! And what's the best part? The cops have cars faster than yours. Haha. And what the best-est? You can choose sides. Double Yay!! You can either be a cop or a racer. I'll be a racer, zahir hai!

ii) Call of Duty 4 - Yes, yes. I know it's old. I haven't played yet. So, it's new for me. You may shut up now. *grins*

iii) Black Ops - This is last year's too.

iv) AOE III - Okay. I know this is way old. But, there's a long story associated with the reason why haven't I completed it yet. So, anyways I'll complete it this time, Insha'Allah.

So, you see. I've been totally out of the gaming scene. Way out. I've lots of catching up to do. Haye!! When will I get to play? *sad face*  ACCA has ruined me. It has. It has. I hate it. And, to top it off, I'm working. Sighs. Once I'm done with ACCA, I'll do a degree in journalism/ mass comm. or textile designing may be. Or... something really weird. Or, I'll just get married. Haha.

OYE!!!!!!!

I'm going to be a phupho again!!! Like after around 15 years. Whoa. Although, I've had a good lot of nieces and nephews in the past decade, but they are my cousins' kids. However, this time it's my pagal brother (the second one). Triple Yay!!!  I'm so happy. Masha'Allah. Masha'Allah.

But then, he's so far away. *sad face* *slaps herself* Don't be sad, you idiot.

Let's think of names! If it's a boy, we can name him Zain-ul-Abideen, or *snaps fingers* Kazim, or I don't know.... waysay, I loveeee the name Abbas, but we already have an Abbas in our family.

If it's a girl, we can name her Fizza? Err... I can't think of many girl names... However, there's this one name that's jumping up and down inside my head. However, nope. Not that. Because, I've saved that name for my daughter. *curls toes* (If ammi finds this out, I'm so roasted.)

I don't know. Will you help? Waysay I'm being too impatient, because there's plenty of time to come up with good names for my niece/nephew. May everything go perfectly fine, Ameen.

What's wrong with Federer, man!? *shakes head* I think his reign might just be getting over. Anyways, I like Rafa too. So, I'm happy as long as one of them keeps winning the day.

This was too long. Phew. I talk too much. Don't I? Z says I talk non-stop (whenever I do, that is). I gotta go. I need to drink water. My throat feels all parched up. *makes a weird face*

*grins*

P.S. I've been feeling like a kid, lately. And, my posts reflect that. Hmm. No clue, what's up.

P.P.S. Furree Katt, I read all your comments, and it was actually fun because I got to read my old posts. Rest assured, I will reply to your comments *winks* as I have a thing for commenting. *grins* Thank you so very much.

I love my cousins.

Random title, I know.

Whenever I see numbers, in places where words should have been, I take them to be a ciphered text. Therefore, I tend to waste a lot of time deciphering them. And, usually fail. I'm terrible at deciphering codes. *smiles sheepishly*

I'm happy. My world's happy. Masha'Allah. I've awesome parents. Awesome brothers/sisters (Ok, my sisters are a little less than awesome, may be. Haha.) I wish they don't read this, otherwise I'll be more dead than I'm already. Younger sisters, sighs. Well, the feeling is mutual. They sigh at me too. *winks* Okay- Back to the awesome-ness list now. Awesome cousins. Awesome khandaan (well, except for a few dehshat-gard anasir). Hehe. If ammi jani reads/ hears (about) this, I'll be in trouble.

Well, once I was speaking to Shayan, a fellow trainee, about my cousins. And, guess what he said? He asked me if I was close to my cousins. I said yes, of course. He said he wasn't. He told me he met his cousins occasionally. On Eids and baraats, may be. I was like, 'whoa, really?' He said, he missed the fact that he didn't have such close ties with his family. I found it sad. But then, I know A LOT of people who never talk about their cousins and all (because, they don't interact much). M. nevers talks about her cousins, neither does Sh, not even Arw. Just me and Fofo, we are the ones gabbing about how fun our cousins are, et cetera, et cetera.

So, you see. My life's good. Masha'Allah.

I just whine, for the sake of it. Because, it kind of feels nice, you see. And then, everything isn't happy-happy always, right. There are downturns. Sad moments. Irritable moments. Angry moments! But, on the whole, everything's great. Alhumdolillah.

It's just that I'm a cynic. I'm sarcastic. Oooh. Way sarcastic, to be true! I can kill you with sarcasm. Beware, mine is not a comic version of sarcasm. It's bitter and very rude. However, cheer up- I won't kill you. Because, I'm not sarcastic all the time.

I can even make you laugh your lungs out but that happens very rarely. And, with a very few people only.

Ever heard about 'the look'? I can give you 'the look', that will make you believe it's all your fault. That you're so horrible. So awful. You may not admit, but you'll feel so damn bad. *smiles*

And when I'm up to something mischievous, Z says I get that roguish twinkle in my eyes that will tell you I'm up to something. My eyes let everything out, which isn't a good thing really. *frowns*

I can even make you cry.

By the way, it all sounds as if I do all this knowingly. However, that's not how it is. All these things were told to me by others. So, I didn't really know I could do so many things. *grins*

Anyways, enough with randomness. I'll end this post. And, write another one, may be. I'm in a mood for blogging (read: babbling/ranting/whining). Right now, I will have an orange, actually two, and go sit with papa for a while.

Ok, see you!

Over the phone...

(This conversation was in Sindhi except for a few words, however I shall translate it into English actually Urdu, will sound less fun in English.)

Z: "Yar boss ke bhai ki shaadi hai. I'm confused. Ja'on ke nahin?"

Me: "Go, bha'ee! Iss mein confuse honey ki kya baat hai..."

Z: "Uff... Chelum nahin howa!!"

Me: "Ohhhh.... Sorry. Sorry. It skipped my mind. Don't go, bha'ee! (Iss mein confuse honey ki kya baat hai...)" *grins*

Z: "Skipped your mind. Hmm... matlab tum tou phir sab kuch karti hogi... Yaad jo nahin rehta hoga ke chehlum nahin guzra"

Me: "JEE NAHIN!!"

Me: "Acha khairrrrr... Excuse ker lo"

*Insert a weird pause*

Z: "Kya kar lon??"

Me: "EXCUSE!!"

Z: "EXCUSE? Ohh..... I thought you said 'sue' kardo!"

Me: "What?!"

*Insert an incontrollable laughter*

Z: "Sue kardon ke chehlum se pehle shaadi kaise rakhi... Haha"

Me: "Hahahahaha..."

It's BJ's birthday today.... But it's Safar and then my turtle died . So, nothing special going on.

...

Aslan died...

He died. I'm still looking at him again and again, hoping against hope that he might just move. He was my friend. Actually, the only friend at home these days, for the fact that I've been bickering with everyone else at home. He was the best. Didn't used to say a word. Just used to hear me out quietly, screaming his name to wake him up each morning before leaving for work and every evening after returning from work. I used to actually spend hours with him. I literally used to lose track of time.

I miss him. I wept so much. I wanted to cry just the way I used to when I was a kid and complain to Allah Saa'iin. Just the way I complained, when Nida died in a car crash in Riyadh. Just the way I complained, when Amma jaan died. But, I cannot. Because, I have grown-up. I know I cannot complain, because I have no such right. All these people (and now Aslan) belonged to Him more than they did to me. They were never mine. They were and are His creatures, since always. 

Z asked me, if I wanted another turtle. I replied with a blunt 'no', I said I shall think about it after the winters were over. It isn't about a turtle - any turtle. It was about Aslan. 

What will I tell Eeman and Amnah, when they'll ask me about Aslan? 

Why did you have to die, my friend?

I'm sorry, Aslan. May be I didn't take enough care of you...

Sighs.

Subha Saweray

Something is awfully wrong with me. I feel so irritable. All I do is pick up fights with everyone. S, ZB, ami, Z, every one. Actually I don't really pick fights, I just... I've just become very touchy. I hate don't like anyone anymore. Why am I feeling no one really likes me either these days, but for Z?

Sighs. I'm sounding like a stupid teenager who knows nothing but to whine (No offence, though).

Ughhh.

Sad, no?

People are so shallow. I'm not. This is one thing I'll bet my life on. I'm not shallow. Neither is my thinking. However, people usually are quite the contrary.

Ally

You're missed.

Honest.

I remember

It was a beautiful day. The sea was calm. The wind was soothing. Everything looked just about perfect.

A beautiful child, busy with her own little self, was playing on the shore. Sea fascinated her- always. It scared her a little too, though. She loved how the waves tickled her bare feet but the little crabs that washed up the shore frightened her. The fact that they had so many legs sounded creepy to her.

However, for the time being all she was interested in were sea shells. While picking up shells from the shore, she found something that looked like a tiny but a fat frisbee, yet was too soft to be that. What seized her attention was the fact that it was transparent- absolutely crystal clear. She could see the sand right through it. She picked it up in her hands and felt it. It was soft and wobbly just like jelly. She took it and ran towards her father.

'Papa jani, look what I found.'

Her face lit up with triumph over her discovery.

'What is this thing?'

'I don't know, I found it lying there.'

She pointed with her little fingers towards the the place where she found the curious object  .

'Throw it away, love. It's a jelly fish. It might sting you.'

She was told.

She looked at it for the last time and threw it away into the water, just as she was told.

However, someone inside her head kept asking her over and over again, 'how can something so beautiful sting you' and so she wondered.

Off-road

I want to drive off-road. There's no fun driving 'on' the road.

Umm... I like to walk off-road as well.

Seedhe sapaat tar-coal ki sar'kon per chalne ka kya maza? Mujhey oobar khabar raasto'n aur kachi pagdandiyo'n  per chalna pasand hai. *grins* Aur sab se zyada maza tab ata hai jab chalte howe qadmo'n ke neeche aaney waley sookhay patay ehtajaj karney ki nakaam koshish karahe hon. *smiles*

And, I don't like walking straight too.

So, if and when you walk with me, know that it isn't going to be an easy one- unless you share my kind of crazy whims.

[Image courtesy: weheartit]

Of fools and love...

They say I'm a fool because I'm a lover, and that too an unconditional one. I love people regardless of any and everything. Is that foolishness, you tell me?

And the happiness decides to go topsy-turvy

Meri saari khushi per pani gira diya na. Woh bhi thanda. Despite knowing that I don't like water.

I played table tennis after sooooo long. I played after what.... two years. And, guess what I did? I won three matches in a row. Aur woh bhi mujhse baray baray logon se! I was so happy.

Khair, life's weird.



P.S. Khoobsurat loog zaalim kion hotey hain!

Chronicles of Ann, the Outlandish- FILTERED!

I knew I shouldn't have told you. I knew it all along. And, yet I did. I am so naive. Well actually, naive is a very decent word. I am an idiot. Yes, that sounds much better.

I wish I could have talked to you about any and every thing. I wish I didn't have to filter my chronicles, my stories before narrating them to you.

I talk too much, no. I won't now. At least, I'll try not too.

You lied, you know. We aren't friends. We can never be.

And, isn't that a tragedy?

*smirks*

Abbass ki nazron se koi parh ke tou dekhe...

Ehsaas ki ek Nehj-e-Balagha hai Sakina(SA)

Iss baat se mehsoos karo kya hai Sakina

Abbas (AS) ke honton ka qasida hai Sakina

Aina-e-Zehra(SA) mein jo dekha tera bachpan

Har aks pukara ke tuu Zehra(SA) hai Sakina

Jo pyaar ke parcham ki alamdaar hai ab tak

Abbas ki woh pyari Sakina hai Sakina

Abbas ki nazron se koi parh ke tou dekhe

Ehsaas ki ek Nehj-e-Balagha hai Sakina

Jo mashk mein bhar sakta hai dunya ke samandar

Kaunain mein bas woh tera saqqa hai Sakina

Har umr ke Haider(AS) ne jhulaya tera jhula

Yeh Auj faqat tuu ne he paya hai Sakina

Darya ke lab nouk-e-qalam chuum rahey hain

Meine abhi likha nahin, soocha hai Sakina

Rehan ki suurat woh sarafraz rahega

Jis ne teri dehleez ko chuuma hai Sakina

Abbas ke honton ka qasida hai Sakina...

Green-eyed monster

"You know what's the best thing about you?"

"What?"

"That you don't envy anyone!"

"Err... No. I do."

"What?"

"Yes, I do. I do get jealous." 

"...."

"But only when someone gets my share of love or attention. I go green with envy. I don't like it. I hate it."

"And do you know what's the funniest (weirdest) part? I don't hate the person who gets my share of love or attention. I hate the person who gives my share away."

"(...) Pagal!"

*sniffs*

Aaj kal tou sirf daant he khanay ko mil rahi hai. (Taqreeban) har baat per. Baqi sab kuch tou umr-e-guzishta ke qissay lag rahe hain.

*hmph*

Sitaarey gardish mein hain shayad.... *wonders*

*smiles*

Turtle woes.

Aslan is sick, I think. All he does is sleep. It's worrying me.

Her awesome-ness says...

I am AWESOME!

*winks*

Are you happy now?

Wafa karoge, wafa karainge

Jafa karoge, jafa karainge

Hum aadmi hain tumhare jaise

Jo tum karoge, woh hum karainge...

P.S. I don't know whose ruba'ii is this. But, it was narrated by my Sr. Manager only yesterday during his 'lecture' to us trainees. 

A cold winter's morning

I wish I was a cold winter morning.

Very cold- The one that makes you cross your arms and hide them in each other.

For whatever it's worth

I've become weak, very weak and fragile and, it occurred to me only lately. I have lost most of my strength; the edge that I once had. I was a fighter once. I'm not anymore (Although, I'd like to believe otherwise).  Frankly speaking, I've lost the intensity, the indomitability. I may still appear very firm but believe me when I say, it's a hoax; a sham.

I've lost myself- lost myself in time.

When people used to shout at me, I used to shout back at them with double force. And now, at times, when someone shouts at me, I look into their eyes with disbelief. I neither find the willingness nor the ability to shout back. I merely stare at them for a moment, hoping their lips would move in an apology or a half (which rarely happens, though). Something snaps inside me and tells me to walk away. And, walk away, I do.

Walking away- and who would have though AH, you could learn to walk away? Ha.

I don't know who needs me or not, anymore. I cannot even shrug everything off saying, 'To hell with everything, I'll live my own life'. Because, I cannot. I cannot live my own life. I don't even have my own life. I've sewn my life in an intricate web. I'm so hopelessly dependent upon others that I cannot imagine a life without them. If they aren't there; I'm not here. I cannot just let them go. And, I don't have to anyways. Nobody has asked me too. I'm just being a jerk and that's about it.

I'm not bad. I'm not an awful person. I am sick of telling myself how awful, how bad, a person I am. Because, I'm not.  And, I need someone to tell me this. Someone- but not just anyone. I don't need random people (friends and acquaintances) telling me how good I am. Because, I don't care what they've to say. Because, it doesn't matter.

I am tired, really. Tired of all the running I've been doing lately. I cannot match my pace with life anymore. It's too fast for me. My lungs are running out of air now. I know I would have to continue running to catch up with life but, I don't want to run. I want to walk, with steady steps. I'm in no hurry to catch up with everyone, with the world. I don't like this world, anyways. It's a little too strikingly coloured for my taste, you see.

I have no idea what is this all about. It doesn't make any sense to me and so, shouldn't make any to you either. This is gibberish; and that too, an incoherent one.

I'm absurd. Outrightly. No doubts.

Sha'Khaz-zaarber

...Anwer bhai uttered to me in a full-on pashtu accent.

I felt a little lost for a moment. I, despite having a fascination for the language, don't understand Pashtu. Hence, had no idea what he meant.

However, after a while of conjecturing and an attempt to put things into context, I finally deciphered what he said.

He said...

'Shock-Absorber'.

"Bhai yeh awaz kis cheez ki arahi hai?"


"Baaji, yeh dekhana paray ga. Yeh awaz ya tou bearing ka araha hai ya tou sha'khaz-zaarber ka."

Yes. Yes. I'm silly. But he made it sound like a Pashtu/Farsi word or something, I swear. Not entirely my fault , bha'ee.

*smiles*

Ughh...

Just added another feather in my cap.

Treasury.... Damnit! I cannot swear! I so badly want to. *will do it in my heart*


I hate you, treasury! You Godforsaken thing. What have I done to you to earn this? Arghh.

Happy feet

I met another girl. And, this time it was not in the restroom (which is where I usually get to meet female staff at the client) *smiles* Don't ask me why. I'm just very reserved (read, unsocial) and I've mentioned/hinted this a gazillion times already.

"You really have very pretty feet..."

*I wish I could have burst into laughter at that lady, but I didn't- I'm so mannered and all, you know. Etiquettes don't allow me such liberties so, I smiled and said*  

"You like my feet..."

"Yes, the other day, while you were offering prayers I noticed them and was mentioning it to my friend that this girl has really nice feet..."

"Oh thank you. *you should really hear what I said next* But, I don't like them much..."

"Oh? *shocked* You don't like them, why?"

*Meri marzi bhaee, mere pair hain!*

"When I was a kid, my feet were a little out of proportion, bigger than should have been; so, my cousins used to tease me and since then I don't like them much. Although, they look fine now."

*But, the lady was insistent- must be nice then* *grins*

Yaar, speaking on an overall basis, mein zaroorat se kuch zyada he grounded hon! Tsk. Tsk. Meri jaga koi aur hota tou phir tou bas... Al-Amaan Al-Hafeez. Sighs. Afsoos, sad afsoos.

*grins*

P.S. Yes, Yes. My titles are getting weird. I'm out of stock.

Haha. You know me. I know.

While munching French fries, when I replied with a busy 'hmm' on being asked if they were good, I heard:

"You know, I just know... When you say 'HMM', matlab kuch zaroor GARBAR hai. And, when you say 'KHAIR', matlab ab tou BILKUL BHI KHAIR NAHIN!"

On hearing this, I replied:

With a fit of laughter (Especially, the 'khair' wala part made me want to roll off my seat laughing).

P.S. Nevertheless, this time I said 'hmm' because I was busy- and starving. *smiles*