I've been waiting for the moonlight... II

Yaad agaya!

What I was wanting to say was that Sid (John Abraham) in the movie (Jhoota Hi Sahi) stammers. His stammer was cute though. So anyways, I used to stammer too, sometime back. It used to happen very seldom though, but I don't know I somehow started to stammer. My stammer was pretty slight- almost negligible and, it happened sometimes only. The funny part is, I didn't stutter as a kid but somehow I developed this habit in my teenage. Even now, I stammer at a word sometimes. But as I said, it happens seldom and it's almost unnoticeable. Phew. *grins*

Umm... So, once I was telling R. api about how I've started stammering all of a sudden; she laughed it off and said, 'They say if you start being with people who stammer you yourself might catch a stammer....'. I knew what she meant by this. And, I had to look away to conceal the smile that was slowly crawling up my lips. She, of all people, must know that the people who stammered once don't stammer anymore- not really.

I had a yummy qeema today. What made it even more yummy was the fact that I had lunch at five-ish and hence, was starved. Then, as I got up to wash my hands off after having my lunch I professed my love of qeema to ama jani. And then she said, 'Acha... Magar tum tameez se tou nahi khaati', to which I said 'Na ami, I am always just with the qeema...' *smiles* and absolutely out of nowhere my mother exclaimed, 'Yeah, Z. likes qeema too...' And I was like, '....' Where did Z. come from ami, I wondered inside my head. We were talking about qeema mum, not Z. *smiles*

Hmmm.... You too are one hell of a character, aren't you? *smiles* Everybody loves you so much. You make me jealous, you know. You do. And, I used to make you jealous-once, I know. *smiles*

I've been waiting for the moonlight...

"Yeh zindagi kitni khoobsurat hai... Aur is zindagi ke siwa kya hai humaray pass...?"
[Jhoota Hi Sahi]

I just watched the movie. It was lovely. Hilarious too. *smiles* Becoming friends with strangers and yet, remaining strangers, I like the idea. It's probably easier to speak to people who don't know you and whom you don't know. I wish.... Ahh forget it! I'm wishing too much these days.

"Mount Everest kab gaya tu?"

"NASA chorne ke baad..."

Haha.

Uhh... Err... You know, there was actually something else that I wanted to write about magar...... Yaad he nahin araha ke kya... Ugh. Why can't I remember things? *frowns*

Uff.. I'm leaving.

Itsy bitsy tidbits..

Going to bed early isn't equal to sleeping early! *frowns* Phir jaldi uthadiyaaa.
♣
My new morning ritual... Listening to qawwalis.
♣
Had halwa puri in breakfast. Yummm... The aachar wass..... ahhh awesome. While I was haath saaf-ing on my halwa (haha), ami jani stopped me in the middle and scolded me for taking teeny-sized bites. I resisted but she persisted. Once she realised I am not going to increase the size of my bites she took the spoon from my platter, filled it with the halwa and put it in my mouth. I told her I shall take larger bite but she refused to listen. She made me finish the halwa with her own hands. Wow. Whatever came over her today. It's been long since I had food from her hands. It was awesome and a little embarrassing too- I'll be twenty-one in twenty one days. But she's my ama jaanii, no matter how old I get!
♣
I need to work out, despite the fact that my eating habits have gotten so messed up as I've been skipping meals. I shall start walking or jogging, may be. *feels too lazy to do either*
♣
I'm not reading blogs anymore, not really. I don't feel like commenting either. I don't know. I'm just disoriented. And then, someone's missing...
♣
Anonymous followers, hmm... Aren't we all anonymous, hiding behind veils of pseudonyms?
♣
You are a chronic liar, aren't you? Well, your habit has been innocuous to date but there is a tiny bit of a problem. The line between what's true and what's made-up is blurring... I'm afraid, I shall start taking your words for granted very soon.
♣
Only recently, I used to wonder how would it be like? To have feelings for someone you don't know; someone you've never met and you know you'll never meet; someone who doesn't even have a name; someone you don't even know if exits at all...
♣
I've been writing this post since morning... It nearly 4 on the clock now.
♣
It's raining.... But it's so quiet. I feel like speaking in whispers.
♣
Rouk sako tou pehli baarish ki boondo'n ko tum rouko
Kachi mitti tou mehkegi hai mitti ki majburi...
♣
Sighs...

You-'I'-me-'Miss'-we-'You' us...

Happy Birthday Bj. May you have many many many more. May God always bless you.

I love you. And, (I miss you).

Paghal.

Itni qasmein na kha'o ghabra ker... jao hum aitebaar karte hain

Part 1

Part 2

All in a day's work- Not

Something very funny happened today.

I cannot stop laughing thinking about it.

"I've been seeing you around... but haven't got a chance to speak to you..."

"...."

Really? Wow. It's must have been very difficult for you, yeah? Considering the way you speak to any and every one, not getting a chance to have spoken to me must have been uber tough on you.

I wish I wouldn't have come to that desk to use the other system. Lol.

Tsk. Tsk. *chuckles*

Words, retracted

You know how I stopped all of a sudden, in the middle of my sentence... I just realised I can no longer be as candid as I used to be. It was the funny; the way I suddenly started looking up at the tall buildings of PC and Sheraton, and started ranting about their awful location... Yes, I startled you with the sudden shift in gears but... Anyways.

To be or not to be: that is the question...

I was just being open with you. I thought I could say anything to you. I thought I could speak to you about any and everything. I was only being honest. I had no idea my honesty could prick you. I'll be careful next time... I will... But then, isn't concealing the truth as good as lying? I don't want to lie to you. But, I don't want to hurt you either...

Salman Khan.......

*lets out a cold sigh*

P.S. I've met him... in my dreams. Twice. *grins*

Raat ke khvaab sunaaye'n kis ko raat ke khvaab suhaanay thay

I saw a dream once. And, all of it felt more real than reality. However, it was far too beautiful to have been real. Ethereal, it was. Love, it was.

I fell in love- with someone... someone I know doesn't exist. It was, all of it, merely a figment of my dainty imagination. But, it was so real.

I was in a library, or was it a huge book store? It was a brightly lit and a very cozy place. S. was with me and we were sifting through the books resting on the shelves. I suddenly felt as if someone was watching me. I ignored the feeling and continued checking the books. However, the feeling grew stronger. I could sense the warmth of someone's stare and it was no longer possible to ignore. I looked around. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Just when I was about to shrug my shoulders and concentrate back on the book in my hands something caught my eye.

Someone was standing beside the shelves. A few feet away from where I was standing. I looked up from the book and... my moral compass went berserk. For a second, all the manners I had been taught vanished into thin air. My eyes froze. However, it was just a moment. I pulled myself together and turned to the book in front me. The words appeared undecipherable. They didn't seem to belong to any language that I knew of.

Something happened. The heart skipped a beat. Just a beat. And then, started beating faster than ever.

I had no idea where S. had gone. She wasn't with me. Gazing absently at the book, I watched through the corner of my eye, as the silhouette near the shelves drew closer to where I was until, it was standing next to me. I wished to leave but somehow, my feet were cemented to the ground. Every single muscle in my body defied my urge to move.

While my eyes were still locked with the unrecognized characters on the page, I caught a glimpse of some white papers drawn in front of me. I looked closely at the white pages. They were sketches of some kind. And, they looked familiar. It felt as if I knew the person in the sketches however, my mind couldn't process who.

I took the sketches in my hand. It was me. They were my sketches. I looked up to that stranger with eyes filled with astonishment. He looked back at me with a very blissful expression painted on his face. I could also sense a subtle smile hiding under his expressions. My awe seemed to amuse him, I assume.

I could feel myself blushing, I could feel the blood rushing across my face...

It's been quite a while- longer than a year. I don't remember much. All I know is that I fell in love. And, it was divine. Not a single word was uttered. It was a mime movie. Not a single gesture made. But... who needed words, who needed gestures. It was as if I had been in love with that stranger forever. As if I knew him ever since. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. I could feel my knees going weak.

Every single feeling, was so real. I felt it. It wasn't just a dream. It was more than that.

But, it couldn't have been real. It was all too magnificent to have been real. Those feelings, those moments... they didn't belong to this world. All of it was so idyllic. So surreal. So beautiful.

And that man, *smiles* who doesn't even exist... I fell in love with him.

The dilemma I've fallen into...

Happiness rips me off my creativity, or so I feel. In my case, they are two mutually exclusive events. I feel sad without happiness (obviously) and lost with creativity. In both the cases, I am at loss.

I have not written anything that is nice enough, lately. I have not written at all. It is not just the writer's block. Because, I am not having trouble dressing my thoughts with words but, I have no thoughts to begin with. It is as if my mind is empty. I am not thinking anything. No reflections. No introspect.

This is not me.  I am not liking this.

Am I saying I do not like being happy?

Sighs. I do not know. It is complicated. I just do not feel like my usual self. I feel over-dosed with happiness and everything else has crept away to the background. It is as if I no more have time to 'think', in my usual mellow manner. It is either I feel too happy to bother about other things, or I am too busy.

I am becoming like them, aren't I? Laugh. Love. Eat. Sleep. That is all. Tsk. No, this is not all. At least, it 'was' not before.  My days had more to them that these mundanities. My nights were calmer, anguished sometimes, but calmer. Good or bad, I know not. But, they were more profound than now.

I feel so unreal. So mundane. Just like everybody else. Just like them. I have not cried in front of Him since weeks. Do I think my sins have been effaced? Do I think I have no reason to cry any more? Do I think I have been forgiven? Because everything is so perfect?

I am afraid. I am afraid of everything being just the way I want it to be. I am not thanking Him enough. And, these might as well be tests for me from Him. I am afraid, I will fail.

I am afraid of being happy. Because, I know. I know no happiness is everlasting. Happiness slurs over time and something else takes its place. That something frightens me. Happiness and sorrows play in a random loop. It is cyclical. One is as inevitable as the other. You cannot escape either of them. I realise.

But such outward feeling of glee, is not what I am looking for. I do not mind being happy, I just... do not want it to be so very sophisticated. I merely want my profundity back.

P.S. Who ever would have thought being happy could be such predicament...?

Back view mirrors...

Can be magical.

♣♣♣♣♣♣

Raushan jamaal-e-yaar se hai anjuman tamaam

Dah'ka hu’aa hai aatish-e-gul se chaman tamaam

Hairat Ghuruur-e-husn se, shokhii se iztiraab

Dil ne bhii tere seekh liye hai'n chalan tamaam

Allah re husn-e-yaar kii khuubii ke khud-ba-khud

Rangiiniyo'n me'n duub gayaa pairahan tamaam

Dekho to husn-e-yaar kii jaaduu-nigaahiyaa'n

Behosh ek nazar me'n hu’ii anjuman tamaam

Thought of the day

This family, is one gorgeous-looking family, isn't it. Beautiful. Masha'Allah. *smiles*

Shells and doors

"I like living in my shell, you see"

"And, does that shell have a door...?"

"...."

Tell me what you want to hear...

Down the memory lane...

As I was sifting through my old documents on my desktop, I found a folder that was copied from my notebook. It was the Oracle's folder. The oracle, you see, was (still is) the Lyceum's school yearbook/magazine.

Oh, I am still in love with Lyceum. I still miss it. Those two years were amongst the best years of my life. Crazy times. 

Do you have any idea how many crushes I had and that too at the same time? Uhh.. Don't ask. *chuckles* There was the head boy, an A2 and then there was another A2 whom M. used to call 'malnutritioned gorilla' (haha, I have no idea why?). Umm... there was also a K&Ns in M's class, then there was another person in one of my classes. Then the A2s passed out and we were crowned A2s hence, two of my crushes were crushed, lol. I had to find replacements and luckily the juniors weren't 'all' a disappointment (although most of them were, trust me). So there were two A1s, who were super cute. Oh my God! One of them had a smile pasted on his face all the time and amazingly, that didn't look creepy at all. But the sad part was that I didn't even know his name. *frowns* I sound so.... Haha, whatever. Yes, and there was another A1 who had these awesome Italian looks. However, the awful part was that they were a year younger. Sighs. Lol. 

But these were mere crushes, you see. *grins* I hold my esteem so very close to my heart. I have this air of supposed sophistication around me in front of others that often makes me appear arrogant and rude. It also makes me unapproachable. (Or so, have I heard). 

Anyways, the folder had articles for the yearbook as well. There was this one particular article by me that couldn't be published because a) I had submitted it at the very last moment and b) Probably, it was.... too hard for Mrs. Khan to digest. Mrs. Khan was a .... I nicknamed her Cruella de Vil. Need I say more? Anyhow, so I was thinking of posting it here but... errr... I have an apprehension. However, I think I will. Soon. 

'Tis

Blogging is unhealthy. It is, it is, it is! In social terms, that is.

Uh well... I'll explain later.

Tsk Tsk...

You are supposed to say "jee" and not "han" or "hmm". What ever happened to your manners, badtameez larki.

Raat phaili hai tere surma'ee aa'nchal ki tarah...

Sighs. And then, there are songs that I'm hopelessly in love with. 

A walk to remember

<3

I'm hardly half way through it, and my eyes are tearing up at every other scene. Even the ones that aren't so intense. This movie, it's magical.

Sighs.

Presages

Do you not see?

These are omens, bad omens.

Open your eyes. Open your mind. For God's sake.

Farz karo...

Farz karo ham ahl-e-wafaa hon, farz karo deewaane hon

Farz karo ye donon baaten jhuuTii hon afsaane hon

Farz karo ye jii kii biptaa jii se jorr sunaayii ho

Farz karo abhii aur ho itnii aadhi ham ne chhupaayii ho

Farz karo tumhen khush karne ke dhuunde ham ne bahaane hon

Farz karo ye nain tumhaare sach-much ke maikhaane hon

Farz karo ye rog ho jhuutaa jhuutii peet hamaarii ho

Farz karo is peet ke rog mein saans bhi ham pe bhaari ho

Farz karo ye jog-bijog kaa hamne dhong rachaayaa ho

Farz karo bas yahii haqiiqat baaqii sab kuch maayaa ho

Will someone please get the butterflies out of my stomach?

Oh God!

Just don't sit in front of me like that. Please, please, please don't position yourself in my line of sight. You've no idea how... how maddening it is.

I feel suicidal now. Ahhh, I want to die.

*slaps herself real hard*

Snap out of it.

Sighhhhs.

Reminiscences

The cold night seemed to penetrate each and every pore of his body. The darkness of it, the coldness of it, formed a part of him. The mist shrouded him; he went out of sight for a second, and the next he was there again, standing. Gazing out in the vastness, his eyes fixed at an invisible point. One wondered if there was something he could see through such darkness lit by the faded moonlight, in vain.

And then, as if after eons, there was a movement. The neck slightly arched upwards. The moon- it appeared as a glowing smudge against a black chalkboard. The strong breeze was tearing his sight, or was it the reminiscence? 

His grip on the iron railing grew stronger, the veins of his hands had suddenly become more obvious. His knees were perhaps refusing to hold his burden any longer. His lips were firmly pursed together. His brow very stern. His eyes growing warmer. His head bowed down and his eyes closed for the first time in ages.  A warm drop of salt water escaped the inner corner of his eye and settled on his hand, just above his knuckles. 

His eyes opened and caught the faint twinkle on his hand. A subtle but remorseful smile touched his lips. His head straightened back to the former position. His grip loosened. And, he gazed out in the vastness, his eyes fixed at an invisible point- yet again.

Somewhere nearby, a pair of brown eyes closed tightly in agony and a curtain fell down. 

*********************************

Phir khayalon mein tere qurb ki khusbu jaagi

Phir barasne lagi aankhain meri baadal ki tarah...

The knowing...

Can you look right through me? Can you really read the faded engravings on my face that others cannot?

Is it that obvious? Or are you just a keen observer?

How can you read me? How can you discover what I've tried to veil ever since? How can you know?

You know who I am. You have found out what I had purposely concealed behind the curtains of my errors. And surprisingly, I am glad someone did. But, the someone would be you... I never thought like that.

How come they don't see it? How come? Those who proclaim their love for me, who profess to know me. Why can't they see what you saw?

You saw the real me. Is it the blood ties? No. It can't be. I'm tied with the same ribbons of blood to them as well but, they didn't see. You did.

How can I ever tell you how glad I feel? Knowing that someone knows who you really are despite being wrapped in a hundred veils, is elating.

UW

Waterloo. *shakes head in despair* He is in Waterloo. *faint smile*

UW seems to ring so many bells.

Feels as if someone just scraped the scabs off my wounds.

Never mind. It's alright. I'm good. *smiles*

Voices inside my head...

They tell me... Yes. They tell me things that you don't know. That no one else does. Because you don't listen, do you? However, I do. And, they speak to me. I'm never alone. And, I am never quiet. Yes, my lips may seem still. Yet, I speak- with those voices inside my head. We talk about things. Things, that may be too commonplace for you. They aren't for us. Every thing has a story to tell, only if you're willing to listen.

Engravings

Aapka dil bohat bara hai magar mera nahin. Aap sab mauf karsakte hain magar mein nahin. Aap bohat aa'la zarf hain magar mein itna zarf kahan se la'on?

Woh loog tou mere qusurwaar bhi nahin, aapko he haq hai unhein mauf karna ka magar beharhaal mein unhain phir bhi mauf nahin karsakti us sab ke liye jo unhon ne aap ke saath kiya.

Mujhey sumujhna he nahin hain aapke khoon ke rishton ke falsafo'n ko. Khoon ka rishta hai tou kiya sirf aapka hai, unka koi rishta nahin? Mera rishta bhi hai tou sirf aapki waja se. Aap darguzar se kaam lain kion ke aap dil aur khoon ke hathon majboor hain. Meri aisi koi majboori nahin hai.

Rishton ko qa'im rakhne ke liye ehsaas darkaar hota hai, aur yahan... yahan tou ehsaas naam ki kisi chirya ka guzr he nahin howa kabhi.

Aap nibhaye yeh khoklay rishtey, mujhse nahin hosakta.

Izzat karna, beharhaal, mujhper wajib hai.

If I die young...

"Funny when your dead how people start listenin’..." 


It's been ages and yet, I cannot cease to miss you. I wish I could have turned back the wheel of time and loved you so much more, so much more. 


Did you really have to leave me, so soon? 


I wish... But what does it matter now...?

Through the looking glass...

You are so beautiful...


So beautiful. Why did I not notice this before? How oblivious have I been to a reality as old as my existence. 


Face, bathing in a surreal glow. Eyes, so deep, so intriguing; with a twinkle borrowed from stars on a darkest night. Lips, carved into a perfect shape.

A silhouette stood before a looking glass, and smiled an entrancingly ethereal smile...

Whatever happened to creative writing...

*blinks in bewilderment*

Hellowww! I'm making a fool out of you. No. Actually, you, yourself, are making a fool out of yourself.

I write something; you read something and there is a huge difference between the two somethings. 

What in the world am I trying to hint at? *rolls eyes* 

********************************

Literature has an interesting trait, you see. It's open to interpretation. Way open. Two people will almost never see a piece of writing in the same light. We have this chronic habit of shedding the light of our own experiences/encounters and then giving the words our own translation. That's the most interesting thing about literature (or is it?). 

********************************

I am trying to write something. Ughhh. Nothing's happening. I need magic. 

Where's the magic?

********************************

You know, each and everyday, I am swarmed with thoughts; some scenes, some dialogues that I've never heard of or seen. There is usually no coherence between these events. They are usually random revelations. Without any connection. Mere figments of my imagination. My marvelous imagination.

I wish to write them all down. And then may be, some day link them together and discover a beautiful piece of art. May be, just may be. 

*********************************

What the hell am I doing in an audit firm? 

*********************************

I am a murderer. A ruthless murderer. I killed an artist. 

*********************************

I'm out of titles

Sunday, 3rd October, 2010

Sigh. It's been days, yeah. Mm-hmm. So, where shall I start from? Nowhere, I suppose. (Let's skip the 'I've been busy and blah and blah and blah and further blah') *smiles*

When I logged in to blogger today, I was hoping to see a lot many posts that I could read but uhh... Well, there were only five on my dashboard. Disappointment.

I've been just a tad bit busy. Well, actually I've been more tired/lazy than busy hence, the absence. *smiles*

I wished to be here in a pleasant frame of mind which I've had lately. However, (don't you just hate howevers, buts, neverthelesses, athoughs, et cetera?) I'm not in a very pleasant mood, as of now. Ugh. This is so wrong! I've had an awesome weekend. Just one little thing has no right to ruin it all. I will not allow this. I will not....

Tuesday, 5th October, 2010

(contd.)
They say I'm very strong. I cannot decide whether it is a good thing, or bad. I'm not strong, my fury is. It seems to overpower each and every emotion. And, they need to be corrected. I do not excel at masking my emotions. If I did, would my annoyance have been that evident?

However, there's one good thing. My resentment is ephemeral. Well, that's about the only thing good about it.

I'll write a new post. I find this one weary.

Bye-bye, title-less post.

Absence

My dear, let me make this very clear for you. So, that there remains no doubt, no second thought. You are but just a single person amongst a pond of beloveds. Just a single person, you see. A VIP, although. However, a VIP amongst other VIPs, you see.

Your presence is overwhelming and you are very well aware. However, your absence- physical or mental- will eventually be curtained by those who are there- while you aren't. I shall be at a loss, but rest assured that it'd be momentary. Momentary, for me, that is.

I shall survive. And not just survive, I shall also be distracted. Happy, in other words. All of us shall live a very pleasant life hopefully. I'm certainly hopeful for myself at least, however about you, I don't seem to have any idea.

I've done my maths. You should do yours, my dear friend.

And so, I sigh again...

Sh: "Ohh you fool! Rona bhi kis baat per araha hai wah wah!"

My stupid eyes fill up with stupid tears so easily. Ugh. I hate it. Why do I have to be so sensitive? Like 5x more sensitive than an average person. I realise I cannot go on in this half demented world like this. I cannot. But I'm so helpless.

I cry when others get hurt because of me. I cry when they have to hear scoldings because of something that might have been a mistake on my part. I cry when people don't scold me for being careless.

I disgust myself. Thoroughly.

Cigarettes...

Tsk Tsk Tsk.

Wey mein chori chori tere naal
laa layyan akhaan wey...

I like her voice. I like the crudeness it has. No, I'm not talking about Meesha Shafi. I'm talking about Reshma. *smiles*



I wished to embed another nazm sung by her but I'm unable to do so. So, here is the link to Aksar Shab-e-tanhai mein.

Aksar shab-e-tanha'ii mein
Kuch dair pehle neend se...

I am angry. Very angry.

You haven't lost your smile at all...

"You haven't lost your smile at all, it's right under your nose. You just forgot it was there..." 

- Author unknown

I am so utterly stupid. 

I can control my expressions almost always save, when the expression is a smile. It's so so so hard to prevent my lips from curving into a smile. The only solution in such a situation is to look away. But looking away doesn't help much either. Because I blush too much. Excessively, I tell you. It doesn't matter whether I'm undertaken by anger or delight, one thing is sure and that'd be... Yes, my face turning into a tomato.

My smile is so obvious. It gets embarrassing some time. *smiles*

Ain said something to Z. and I overheard so, I couldn't keep myself for smiling. But, I was so concerned about Ain not noticing my smile, I started fixing my chapal's strap for absolutely no reason. Because, I knew had she spotted me smiling I would have come in the line of fire which would have been uber embarrassing.

I smile too much. (I don't know, may be not really).

♦♦♦

Oh c'mon Z.! Did you really have to have a head ache the same day I did? Please dude! I never get sick (Alhumdolillah) and when I finally did, you decided to try and steal the stage from me. Hmph! Not fair. I am being mean, no? Okay, excuse me, lol. I wonder if this was the reason I was so cross with you today. *smiles sheepishly* I can also be prove to be utterly lame as well at times. 

♦♦♦

If I was a kid now and someone would have asked me, 'beta what do you want to be when you grow up?' I would have said without a slightest delay, "a Cookie Monster!"

Such is my love for the Cookie Monster. *blushes*

[Image courtesy: deviantART]

Not-so-dear Migraine

Dear Migraine,

I can't thank you enough for ruining my entire day today. I realise you love me so very much and hence, you feel obliged to pay me a visit from time to time. I cannot explain to thee how I highly appreciated your prolonged absence was but, you don't seem to appreciate my appreciation, now do you?

I want to sing a song for you, for all the trouble you went through to reach me. *sings* Ohh! I just died in your arms tonight today.... It must've been something you said...

Let me thank you for making me feel that death was an easier option. Let me also tell you, how I despise the pathetic auras that you send me as harbingers of your arrival. Thank you for forcing tears out of my eyes while I was at work. I am sure you have absolutely no idea how embarrassed I felt trying to hide my tears. 

I can still feel you lurking around. I wish you would leave now and for good. I hate you very much and never wish to see you again. However, I know you are one hell of a stalker, aren't you? 

Hmph.

Sick of you,

Ann.

Chocolates & Changes

I don't seem to like chocolates anymore. I've lost the craving, lately. I still have a sweet tooth but, chocolates have been pushed way down the 'I-like-list'.

Change is insinuating deep inside me, I feel it. For better, or for worse, I am unable to decide.

The things that you want to change, seem to stay constant and stick out their tongue at you. And, the things that you never wanted to change... Sighs.

Change is inevitable. And, indispensable too, at times.

My axis

I love the extent to which I drive BJ crazy. I drive everybody insane but let's just talk about BJ today. I sometimes feel he wants to eat me kacha. *insert the same old dheet smile again* Oh well,  he doesn't leave any stone unturned either, during his endeavours towards driving me mad.

Eik tu I don't like eating and then he kept on bugging me during dinner today. I was on th brink of a huge break out, I swear. I was just this close to leaving my plate and walking away with anger. He kept nudging me while I was eating and God! Was that irritating. But then, I loved how I messed up his hairs totally and then started pulling at them. (Who'd say he's so many years older than me? *grins*)

He keeps calling me bil'li (a cat, that is). If not billi then Aiman. My name is NOT Aiman. I wish he'd stop calling me that, lol. I sometimes tend to forget what my real name is, huh? He insists I and Bj both are 'certified pagals'. He denies any relation with any of us. Yeah, right. *smiles* But he loves me soooo. And, he's the cutest person. The most seedha insaan on earth that I've come across. And he receives so many scoldings from papa and ami. Aww. I love you BJ. I don't really like when they scold you. Only I can be bad with you. *Insert an evil laugh*

I pray for you always always always. I pray for you to have a wonderful life, to be blessed with a gazillion more blessings from Allah Saa'iin, to always be happy, to be safe and, to have a strengthened faith in Him. I always pray for you, Bj and papa. You guys are the axis around which my life revolves. I love you guys so much. Yes, I am very arrogant at times, I know. *squirms* Forgive me, please. I really love you.

Feeling a little orange-ish, are we?

Orange has been my favourite colour since ever. But, I dislike how the skyline appears to have an orange-ish  hue at night. I miss looking up at a black or a very dark blue night sky with twinkly little stars shining upon me. Hmph.

Autumn is setting in, isn't it? I felt it today. The dry wind and that particular scent that it carries along with it...

Whining feels great. Well, most of the times. Been doing that a lot lately. I've been whining continuously to Sh. since Tuesday. The whining session starts around 10 am and goes on until around 5 pm, lol. She complains about how sore her ears have got. *smiles* C'mon, she is the only one with whom I allow myself the liberty to whine. And by the way, I whine about only 'half' of my issues. (Wait till Sh. hears this! Half? Haha. She'll decide to kill herself) But, it's true. I swear, it is. Sigh. I would like if you listen to my whinings ("all"). I won't mind the ups and downs of your brow on the condition that I know I'm being heard- really carefully, that is. You can scold me all you want but, don't you dare tell me how stupid I sound. Oh, no! 

I shall resume whining again; from Monday. *grins* I am cute. Uh oh! Where did that come from? *squirms* Wherever.

*sings* Cry Cry Itnaaaa Cry karte hain kaye ko... Itnaaa dartey hain kaye koo.....?!!  



I need a slight chaan'ta too, lol. 

Stop being a show-off. I mean, pleeeease!

Khosham Me-Aayad...

"Khosham me-ayad" by Farhad Darya

"Bass ke dar aatash-e hijraan-e kas-e sokhtayee

Ashk-e jaan parwar o aah-e tu khosham me-ayad..."

Okay. Here's another song that I adore very much. It's by an Afghan singer and is in Dari dialect of Farsi. Exotic much? Yeah, I know. *smiles*

I want to learn Farsi some day, Insha'Allah. Well, because I am in love with this language for some reason. *smiles*

And she will be loved...

Behis'si thi ke mere zabt ka andaaz tha yeh

Muztarib tha bhi agar, mein kabhi barham tou na tha

I wish I could've said this sher  for myself but well, that's way out of question. In my case, barhami depends exponentially on the iztiraab. This couplet, nevertheless, opened a new door for me. Not a door that unveils the secrets of the lost city of Atlantis or some X-files from A-51 or the location of Holy Grail, for that matter. No. Nothing as such. What lies behind this door is a fact that's so obvious that it never grasped my attention, until now. 

Anyhow, yesterday S. was listening to Maroon 5's "She will be loved". (Hayye. I've always loved this song) I was lying beside her in ami's room and, something struck me about this song for the first time. I suddenly wished to find someone who'd catch me every time I fall. Yes, every time. I wished that every time I fall, someone would shake his/her head in disapproval and yet, reach out for my hand and pick me up. I won't mind a little scolding either. *insert a wide and a very dheet smile here* I'll persist on falling, though. 

I don't want to change. I know I am not good. I am so so so bad. I know. People have said this to me enough times to make me believe this. Which again, by the way, brings me to this empty wrapper of Dove's Promises that is lying in front of me. I have no idea which of the two monsters ate it and left the wrapper here but had I been superstitious I would have taken this as an omen of some kind. *smiles* You want to know what the message on its inside says? It says, Never let others' opinion change the way you feel about yourself. Uhh...But it's a little too late already. I have changed a lot; for the ones I love. However, somehow I'm still work-in-progress.

Umm... I have a lot to say. The rants don't end here. Oh no, they don't! *chuckles* 

Mid-September night dreams..

Or was it mid-summer...? *grins*

Happy Birthday Z.
(Still a few minutes left for the date to bid farewell, till next year)

I wish you all the happiness in life. I pray to God that every single wish of yours may come true in a manner that is even more wonderful than what you hoped for.

Evolution

Love. It isn't what it once used to be, is it?

It is a magnificent piece of literature that has lost its charm in translation.

A once-marvelous work of architecture that has lost its wonder at the hands of time. Now but a remnant suggesting a beautiful structure that once stood with all its air.

A holy scripture that has been adulterated over centuries. And now, is anything but close to its true sacred form.

A religion, once divine, recreated and corrupted by man. A religion that has been robbed off of all divinity and sanctity.

That my dear, is love as we know it.

It came. It went away.

Eid Mubarak. *smiles*

I have had a wonderful Eid- packed with joy and happiness. I want to write about it but... I'm out of words. Or perhaps, not in mood right now. But you get the point, don't you? *grins* I hope you had an equally great Eid.

The brief Eid break ends tonight. Back to work from tomorrow. *frowns*

The mehndi that A. put on my palms just yesterday whispered something to me just now. *smiles* It told me I've come a long long way. There were times I disliked henna. I liked how nice it looked on everybody else but I never wanted to have it on my hands. I was nothing even close to a girl. When I look at Eeman, she reminds me of myself as a kid. I gave my ami such a tough time. She used to worry about me so much. She often wondered, Kya hoga iss larki ka. She was especially worried about my dressing style. I always, always had my denims on and few of my favourite shirts that I used to wear over and over again. How much I despised the eastern attire. My ami used to request aunta to speak to me about it. She used to ask A. and B. to lure me into believing how good I looked in kameez shalwar and similar attires. And now... Look at me. *smiles and shakes head*

People change. Change is inevitable, isn't it? *smiles*

Wishes, letters and more...

I hated you for the initial ten years of my life. Then, I loved you for the next ten. I guess it's time to hate you again- for another ten years. *smirks* I see the change has already set in. Whoever said human feelings cannot follow a pattern. There is a pattern, don't you see? It is cyclical. Ha.


I think I should abstain from such bakwaas for tonight, at least.

It's Chand Raat. It's going to be Eid tomorrow. Yayee! Guess what, I received a text from an unknown number that read, "Happy moon night =P". Okay, whatever, lol.

Sighs. I am missing so many people. *frowns* Uh, okay no, not many, I am missing only a couple of people. I think I'll write some imaginary letters to them. Umm... Here they go.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Dear papa jani,

I miss you. I wish you were here.  I love it when you pick up the phone and I say, "Asalamalaikum papa jaaani" and you reply with a cheery, "Walekumsalam papa jaani". Pa, I love you. So very much. Tsk. Tsk. Have I ever told you that you are my only shield against ami's ghussa. *winks* Bet you never knew that. Oh God! I am missing you so much. I wish I could teleport to you and give you a very tight hug.

May my thoughts find you in the best of health. All of us are going to miss you on Eid. And again, before I end my letter, I love you. I always will.

Yours,

Ann.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Dear Bj,

I miss you, you fool. Had you been here, we'd be out roaming on the streets in the bazaars. As of now, I am reading The Lost Symbol. Imagine that. I am reading a book on chaand raat. However. S. and ZB. still have plans with BJ, so they will be going out once they come here. But, not me. I shall get back to reading.  

I want to hug you. It's been ages since I did that. And after hugging you, I'd really appreciate hitting you hard for making me miss you so much. That'll be all for you. Will be calling you in a while.

Yours,

Maassi.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

As for the rest of you, who are still somehow bearing with my goofiness- Chaand Raat Mubarak to all of you. May tomorrow's morning bring you lots of joy. While some of you must be having your Eid today, so Eid Mubarak!! *smiles*

Goodnight.

Lovely little things...

I am really looking forward to Eid. *grins* Just thinking about it is making me grin. Last year's Eid was awesome. The entire family gathered at my mama's place and it was great. The giggles, the gossips, the food (err.. not my thing though). Everything was fun. I remember BJ and Z. teasing me on my driving skills. They kept calling me driver and kept pestering me on how BJ forced Pa jani to get the car insured just because of me.

Oh by the way, BJ thinks I'm a mad driver. Well, because one day I and BJ were coming back from my chachu's place and I was driving my car and he was driving his. Chachu's and our homes are close by so, we were using the service road instead of the main and it had gotten a little traffic-ky due to the double parking. So anyways, I got through it but BJ got stuck. Imagine that, lol. So, I had to wait for him. When we reached home, he narrated to Ami jani how quickly I by passed the jam. He said, he thought, 'Aaj tu gayee gaari... Jis speed se ye nikli hai... Allah khair...' lol.

By the way, I kind of agree with the male species, women drivers are dumb. Trust me. I'm not referring to myself though, lol. (Although, I might myself be dumb. Or not!) But generally speaking, women don't make good drivers. The only problem is that they kind of trouble others as well.

I am still a beginner but I am a little too good for beginner (Thanks to my coach: Chachu). I have no idea how did I manage to learn to drive. When I initially started learning, at times BJ and at times another driver Alauddin uncle used to teach us (me and my sisters). I remember I found it so hard to get the car moving in the first gear. I found it so hard to press the accelerator and leave the clutch simultaneously and consequently, I used to almost always end up stalling. It's all so bloody calculated bhaee.  BJ used to get pissed off. Allauddin uncle didn't use to say anything though. Anyhow, teen teen logon ki jee torr mehnat ke baad I mastered getting into the first gear. *smiles* Driving used to be fun initially. Now that I know how to drive, the charm has evaporated. *smiles*

I didn't really want to learn to drive but Pa jani wanted me to learn. He calls me his chhota driver. Actually he calls me chhotu, lol. Well because, I am his assistant electrician, carpenter, plumber, driver, et cetera. A handy-man (or girl), in short. *grins* Jack of all trades, master at none! Anyways, so he actually wanted us to be less dependent on the drivers. Because drivers are similar to electricity here in Pakistan, they keep coming and going, lol. Saeed bhai left. :( He decided he wanted to drive a larger vehicle, lol. Now, we've got Anwar bhai. I hope he doesn't leave anytime soon. He's a good person too. But Saeed bhai was so nice.

Drivers and massi's are my Ami jani's hugest dilemmas. Unki tu raat din ki neend haram hojati hai agar driver chala jaye ya jane wala ho. Ami huzoor is worried these days. She's pretty upset. She has lost some of her jewellry. She has looked everywhere but to no use. Please pray that she finds her things back. Insha'Allah.

Umm... Oye guess what! I haven't been to shopping the entire Ramazan. Not even once. Can you believe that? *grins* I despise shopping. As astonishing as it may sound to you, but yes. I don't have the stamina required for shopping. Mera bas chalay tu mere liye koi aur shopping karliya karay. However, I am not that lucky. I happen to be a bit picky. So, my sisters and mother don't risk buying things for me until and unless I beg them too. It doesn't mean I don't love clothes or shoes or et cetera. In fact, I love everything except shopping. Despite this fact, I have to shop. And surprisingly, this time I haven't been out at all. However, my tayari is complete. How? Long story.

I talk too much. This will end here.

Good night.

Roses & Randomness

Roses? Oh don't ask me! It's just like that. Thank you very much for your concern. It was unnecessary though.

*smiles* We were speaking of music, weren't we? Mhm... So, here's the thing. My taste in music is peculiar. And it is awfully diversified. It is a khichri, basically. I shall post my playlist some day and then you'll know, lol. But for now let me give you a little example, I love "Anokha Ladla" by Tina Sani and I love "Save Tonight" by Eagle Eye Cherry too. I love "Deepak Raag Hai Chahat Apni" by Shahida Parveen and I love "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette. I love listening to "Mere Sapno Ki Rani Kab Ayegi Tu" by Kishore Kumar and I love listening to umm.... You get the point, don't you? *grins* 

It appears as if I listen to too much music. Well no, that is not the case much. I listen to it when I feel like listening.

You know what, I was in an aiween (read: bad) mood when I started writing this random post. But now, I am feeling great. Randomness is awesome. Oookay. I am weird. Period.

Bechain bohat phirna...

Bechain bohat phirna ghabaraye huwe rehna 

Ek aag si jazbon ki dah'kaye huwe rehna 

Chal'kaye huwe chalna khushbu lab-e-laal'een ki 

Ek bagh sa saath apne meh'kaye huwe rahna 

Iss husn ka shewaa hai, jab ishq nazar aye 

Parde main chale jana, sharmaye huwe rehna 

Ek sham si kar rakhna kajal ke karishmay se 

Ek chand sa aankhon main cham'kaye huwe rehna 

Aadat he bana li hai tum ne tou "Munir" apni 

Jis shehr main bhi rehna uk'taye huwe rehna

I feel restless.

"Bas jo bhi Allah sumajhta hai wahi sahi hota hai..."

                                                                         -- Razia

Resonance... II

This is a continuation of a previous post - Resonance

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

Empty places can create echoes of lasting clarity.

His voice echoed inside her heart. Bouncing off against the stoned walls, they died their own death. With every death, a new voice was born and soon the silence was replaced with harsh discordance. This piercing cacophony made it agonizing to remain silent any longer. However, the noises stared in awe realizing that their endeavours had merely managed to make her lips quiver. Shaking their heads, they decided to leave.

And the silence prevailed.

“I love you”
A faint whisper raised its head in some corner.
“Do I love him?”
A doubt roamed aimlessly inside her heart.
“Do I really love him any longer or has he just become a mundane matter?”
The whispers grew louder.
“Can you tell him that your heart is empty; that all your love has evaporated leaving nothing but a void?”
Someone sneered inside her.
“Stop it! Just stop it! I love him, I do.”
She yelled back.
“Is it so?”
The sneers turned into a loud scornful laughter.
Frightened he might hear the voices, she looked at him.

Her eyes met his for the first time. It seemed as if an eternity had passed by.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

Aabla pa ko'ii iss dasht mein aaya hoga...

"I have found the shore. It's not as if I didn't like swimming (read: spinning) in the whirlpool much. But, I needed a moment- to breathe."

The caravan has found an oasis. The weary traveler can rest his soul now. He can lie down near the banks of the glistening pond and let his parched soul soak in the moisture. Let the shade of the marvelous palms soothe his burns. So he can tend to his blistered feet. He has to revive his weary self- For he has another long journey to continue...

I am tired, but at peace...

A messy consolation note from ZB.

She left me this note yesterday while I was working on an office assignment. *smiles* I left my notebook for a while and when I returned this note was sticking out its tongue at me. ZB. needs to improve her skills at Paint, lol.

I have been a little busy. The reporting deadline for this assignment is nearing and hence, the increased work load. I finally have work to do now *sighs with relief* Therefore, the listlessness has bid farewell, which is a good thing. My team mates have started accepting me. They no more treat me like an extra-terrestrial body. Phew! Thank God. *wipes the sweat off the forehead* I am tired, yes. I haven't slept properly since a few nights. My head has started hurting a bit. And I miss Blogger. *frowns* For me, the scope of internet has now been restricted to Blogger/Wordpress and a couple of sites that I visit to listen to music. Ah. Music reminds me of the fact that I have an eccentric taste in music. Eccentric in the sense that my taste doesn't match much with most of the people my age. Only a few hours ago, Z. (not the sister) awed at me for the reason that I was listening to a qawwali. Oh! By the way, which reminds me that a few days ago when we went to R.'s place, we were listening to manqabats and stuff. I found a beautiful qawwali by Khan sahib in R.'s playlist and it was marvelous, I'm telling you. I'll share it soon. Anyways, so yeah, I have a boorhay loog kind of taste. I remember last summer, when we went for the Kashmir tour. A tour-fellow, after listening to my playlist, gave me a surprised look and said to another person, "Iss ki playlist tou check karo. Aisa lagta hai jaise is mein koi purane zamaney ki rooh ghussi ho.." *grins* I can relate my taste to my elders however, it's very seldom that people my age share the same taste with me. However, this by no means implies that I don't like aaj kal ka music. In fact, I do. I do like the good ones, of course. Ab itni bhi boorhi nahin hon. *smiles*

This is abrupt but I have to go. Something inside my abdomen has suddenly started aching badly. I think it's my kidneys probably. I am hardly drinking water these days. I think I'm trying to kill myself. Uh. Whatever.

Good night.

Sher-e-Khuda jo haath se thaamay thay apna sar
Khoon dono kuhniyon se tapakta tha khaak per
Bhaga jo Ibne Muljim bad-kho bad-gohar
Pakra ussay Ali(AS) ke muhibou'n ne daur kar
Laye jo haath bandh ke Moula(AS) ke saamnay
Qatil pe muskura ke nazar ki Imam(AS) ne
Farmaya mein ne konsi ki thi teri khata
Padaash naikiyon ki jahan mein yahi hai kya
Kya mein bura Imam tha ay baaniye jafa
Roya woh sar jhuka ke tu Moula(AS) ne ye kaha
Iss dard mein bhi sabkay marz ki dawa hon mein
Bandho na iskay haath ke Mushkil Kusha hon mein...

All in a day's work II

I've to remove this orange sorbet nail colour from my nails. It's looking messy now. Oh! Have I told you how crazy I am about nail colours? I ♥ nail polishes. I don't wear much make-up ('cause I don't need to :p) but nail colour is a must. I like to use different colours at a single time (sometimes). Multi-coloured nails, you see. ZH. thinks it looks crazy. Never mind. ☺

This is my first weekend after I've started my interns. Now I'll too be thanking God for Fridays. Yet another reason to thank God. Alhumdolillah. I was telling Sh. the other day that an internee becomes a bhikaari most of the times. "Allah ke naam per koi kaam de do baba"!  No, really! My first day was borrrring. I had one other internee with me called Shayan, he used to be with me at Lyceum too but I didn't know him then. There was another person called Hassan as well but he was posted at the client's. Shayan passed the Core papers. I didn't. *sobs* Stupid Corporate Reporting! So, anyways. As I am awfully awful at talking with random people so I ended up being the usual- awful, that is. There was just one girl other than me and she was hired around 3 years ago. Her name's Mariam. She's nice- may be. I am not sure. J. says she's rude. But J. is a cartoon.

I didn't have any work on the first day. Just sat and gave gawky stares, lol. Second day was a bit better, got a little work to do which was a relief. E. bhai gave me GIPS report to read which constituted of 78 pages. o.O That was crazy. Instead of reading the report I opened up BBC and browsed the news. ☺Later, S2. Sir  informed me that I'll be posted at one of the client's from the next day. That made me sad. Itni mushkil se I had adjusted in here and now another new place and new people. Anyways, so I went to the client's the next day. F. is sweet. A little boring. Doesn't talk much, pretty shy I guess. S1. Sir is very nice and kind but U. sir.... Uff! He looks so irritated. He scares me. The fourth day was awful. F. didn't utter a single word to me. Actually, it's only F. with whom I can speak, you see. Because, the other two people are seniors and a lot older than me. Therefore, it went pretty boring and to top it S1. Sir gave me the client's Financial Statements to read. Ugh. Fifth day was awesome. ☺Mhm.. That's about it. My first week at work. Umm.. You know, because a girl has been hired after such a long time, there seems to be a coldness that gets eerie at times. And then, I am not very great at breaking the ice either so it's a little blah for the time being. I think it'll take a little more time until I can settle myself in with them. I am fine with no talking until and unless I have got work to do. However, when I neither have something to do and nor anyone to talk to, I feel like banging my head with the wall.

I want to complete NFS Shift. I am just not getting the time. It's half done. Every week Sam asks me "Aani have you installed it yet.." and I reply him with the same ghisa pitta answer. Ugh. I am so lazy. I need to buy a few more games. I haven't played Project IGI 2 yet. Imagine that. There are so many games I haven't checked out. I have become boring. Okay! Enough with the laziness. I will install Shift today and complete it real soon. Insha'Allah. *grins*

Uh Oh!

It's alright. *smiles*

Image

And so, it doesn't matter...

You know what 'brain dead' means, right? But do you know what 'feel dead' means? It's like being emotionally dead, you see. I have a tag amongst my Labels that says, 'Emotional Floods'. I think I should have another - 'Emotional Drought'. Ha. I don't know. I am failing to feel. I have grown pretty much numb. For some reason, this doesn't-matter-to-me attitude has undertaken me and hence, nothing no more seems to matter. I cannot decide if it is a good thing or a bad thing. The only thing that I am realizing is that it gets scary sometimes.

Nothing rings any bells anymore. Nothing strikes the heart's chords anymore. Perhaps, my chords broke down. Perhaps, it was I who broke them. Whatever it was, it doesn't matter now. It feels as if I have let off everything. It feels as if I have given in to the rushing torrent of time and now it will take me where ever it wants. During the course, I might hit some rocks. I might injure myself a little, perhaps. I can also get deposited on a river bank.  And if not, then I will ultimately be drained into the sea. But does it matter? I don't think so. *smirks*

You know I failed a course. *smiles* Yeah. Yeah. I failed and I am smiling. See, I told you nothing matters anymore. Had my result on the 23rd and I failed one out of 3 courses that I attempted. Corporate Reporting was an evil wizard, trust me. The exam went awful so I wasn't expecting anything great. Anyhow, so I failed for the first time in my life. And what was my reaction to it? Ha. I didn't feel a thing. Not a single drop of tear. Trust me. I have cried at scoring badly in exams. I remember my AS Level, I scored a B in Economics. My parents were in Islamabad that day and I cried so much over the phone. I cried so much. I remember my grade in General, I was in such denial. I was shattered. But this time, when I have not just scored low, but I actually have flunked. I am too indifferent to care. The moment I viewed my result, my reaction was as if I was looking at someone else's result. I felt as sad as I would have if someone I merely knew would have failed. It was a surprise. Not my result, my reaction.

I am hurt. But it doesn't ache. So, I guess I am fine for the time being. It feels as if I have been anesthetized. I feel nothing. This is insane. I don't like it much.

I have to go. I have these irksomely lengthy Notes to Accounts to read from our client's Annual Reports and then I also have to skim through SOX 4.0.4 and AS.5. Ugh. Oh yes. I started working from Monday. It's good. Err... okay... no.. it's just fine. You know in approx. three years or so, I am the first girl that they have hired in this dept. Sighs. I'll leave the rest to your imagination for the time being. Haven't been able to write about it. Haven't you noticed the teeny weeny length of my last few posts. I've been a little a busy and a lot tired. But I'll write about it soon insha'Allah.

P.S. Bj, I miss you yaar!

Little Z.

Happy Birthday ZB., my little monster a.k.a sister.

It's her birthday today. My little sister (is not so little anymore) *smiles* I can't say she's my favourite. S. will kill me if I do. *grins* But I love her, that I know. Despite all those times that she has ired me to the extent of insanity.

I remember when she was a kid and so was I. I defended all her mistakes and badtameezi's. I remember how I used to annoy all my cousins with my unreasonable defending. It used to anger me when anyone scolded her. I used to lose it there and then. Oh! Her silky jet black bob-cut hair and her tomato-coloured apple-like cheeks. She was sooo cute and gol matol. Ab tu puri Bil Batori ban gayi hai.  I have kind of spoiled her, you know. But khair hai...  *smiles*

Salgirah Mubarak, dear Z. 

F.Y.I

Stress testing, my love... It's called 'stress testing'.

Manuals

"So you fix your own car?"

"Cars are easy - It's people you need a manual for..."

--Sisterhood of Travelling Pants 2

Ab tu khulne lage maqtal bhare bazaar k beech...

Qatl chhupte they kabhi sang ki diwaar k beech
Ab to khulne lage maqtal bhare bazaar k beech

Apni poshaak k chhin jaane pe afsos na kar
Sar salaamat nahi rehte yahan dastaar k beech

Surkhiyaan amn ki talqeen mein masroof raheen
Harf baarood ugalte rahe akhbaar k beech

Jis ki choti pe basaaya tha qabeela main ne
Zalzale jaag parre hain usi kohsaar k beech

Kaash is khwab ko ta'beer ki mohlat na miley
Sho'le ugte nazar aaye mujhe gulzaar k beech

Dhalte sooraj ki tamaazat ne bikhar kar dekha
Sar-kasheeda mera saaya saf-e-ashjaar k beech

Rizq, malboos, makaaN, saans, marz, qarz, dawa
Munqasim ho gaya insaaN inhi afkaar k beech

Dekhe jaate na they aansu mere jis se Mohsin
Aaj hanste huey dekha usey aghyaar k beech

"Qatl chhupte they kabhi sang ki diwaar k beech
Ab to khulne lage maqtal bhare bazaar k beech..."

Out of curiosity...

How would you feel if you found out that you were a mistake?

Yes, if you were nothing but a mistake. A mistake that cannot be undone. A mistake that cannot be compensated for. A mistake that is deemed to be a life long regret. A mistake whose burden you have to carry on your feeble shoulders for the rest of eternity. A mistake, my dear.

Why, thank you. I am feeling good...!

So, guess what?

I got in at the firm I interviewed. *amazed* I just got a call from them. Haha. I find this very amusing, horribly funny, to be precise. The mess that I made up at my first interview, I was not even expecting a call for the second interview. And not only did I get called for the second, I even got selected. That is hilarious, I tell you.

You want to know how did I mess my first-ever interview up? I will tell you (even if you don't want me to). *smiles* Okay so these Big Four accounting firms tend to ask you a lot from your syllabus. They might ask you anything from anywhere in the course of your studies. So, it is not just the usual job/internship kind interview, you see. It is only scarier. There was a panel of three people, a girl and two men. The girl was pretty sweet but- what use shall I put thy sweetness to, my dear- She hardly asked me anything. It was the two guys who were so inclined to play the rapid fire round with me. One of them was okay, a little casual in manner while the other was Ugh. Don't ask. He was so serious. Serious to the extent of being rude, you see. And he was the one asking the most hardest questions. Making up the most weirdest catch-22 situations and asking me, "What will your course of action be?" Hmph. He was evil. Meri masoom shakal per bhi reham nahin araha tha. He caught my words and used them against my very own self. *frowns* And I, I was adamantly trying to prove myself dumber than dumb. Everything that came out of my mouth, was in such stark contrast with what was inside my head. And it all seemed so dumb. I couldn't really notice the (uselessly)sweet girls expression on my answers but the guy who wasn't rude, I caught him hiding his smile by resting his hand on his mouth. Probably the smile was pretty obstinate and hence, it leaked from the corners. However, you know what? These two men who were in the panel, when I saw them moving here from there while I was waiting for the interview, I thought they might be internees or something like that. *grins* But no sir, one of them was the assistant manager I heard and the other must be something of that sort as well. The entire time, I wondered internship ke liye itnay papar bailne parte hain tu yahan job ke liye konsa pahar torrwatay hongay yeh loog. Anyways, so itniiiiiiiiii dair ke baad the interview ended and they asked me 'do you want to ask anything' and I blurted out a blatant 'no'. That is not impressive, I tell you. If you want to impress them, ask them some intelligent question, I've learnt. When I blurted out the 'no', the rude guy stared at me and repeated 'no?' and then I repeated 'no!'. Haha. I am so dheeet. So, yes, I messed up the entire interview except the fact that I was very confident while successfully messing it up. Oh and yes, I was smiling. No, no! It wasn't a cordial smile. The smile was merely a result of an attempt to suppress a huge outburst of laughter. I was so very well aware of my stupidity and hence, the smile.

After I got home, I narrated my messy memoirs to all and gave them a reason to laugh. I can be entertaining too, you know. So, I told my mother to rest assured that they won't call me again. But on the contrary, a few hours after I got back home my phone rang and hello! It was them. *smiles* I was literally astonished. I couldn't stop myself from laughing then. May be, I overrated my dumbness. Perhaps, I am not that stupid as I think. I guess, I wasn't all that bad (shayad unhain meri masoom shakal per reham aa he gaya) *insert an angelic smile here*. Anyways, I got a call for the second interview and they asked me to come the next day i.e. yesterday. I was pretty nervous yesterday, we were supposed to be interviewed by the dept. head so yes, that was creepy. The people who went before me were held for sooo long. Each of them took around half an hour or so. That further frightened me. Anyways, those of us who were waiting for our turns tried to calm our nerves by talking to each other. Thanks to this girl, who also happened to be a friend's friend, everybody gelled in. If it wasn't for her, I am sure I must have been sitting silently and others would have once again comfortably assumed me to be arrogant and proud. Whatever. Blah. When I was called in, the head greeted me sooo warmly. A lively smile painted across my lips. The first sentence he uttered was, "I have seen you some where..." Yes, he said that, lol. Anyways, so it was contrary to what I had expected. It went pretty well. Most of it was a one-way talk. He seemed like a nice man. By the way the head spoke, I presumed that those of us who have been called today will get selected. And I did!

I am happy. Risk Advisory is going to be interesting, I hope. It will be better than Audit, I am certain. It is a good opportunity. No, it is an awesome opportunity. I got in at one of the Big Four firms! Yayyy!! Wait! Wow! I applied to a big four firm, had my first interview ever and I got in. Whoa! I guess I am just very lucky. Alhumdolillah.

Long post, uh? *smiles* But you insisted on knowing. Oh wait! No, I was the insistent one. Haha. General knowledge is good, bhaee. You should have some too.

I am not feeling fine now.Actually, I am feeling good. Now that is a feeling, you see. I cannot assure you how long will this feeling last. I cannot tell you how long before I start feeling fine again. But nevertheless, I will try to feel good for as long as I can. *Does that count as optimism?* *grins*

Why yes, I am feeling fine..

I am feeling a little disoriented. I need to get myself busy, I suppose. But then, I do not believe that would help much. No matter how busy I am, I almost always get time to put myself on pause and mull over things. And then there are people who don't have time. Ha. Do you want to know one kind of excuse that ticks me off? Never tell me, you 'didn't get time'. Tell me anything, and I will welcome your excuses with a smile. Just never tell me that.  So anyways, I am assuming getting busy won't work for me.

I am not sad, you see. There isn't any reason to feel sad, not really. And about feeling happy, I cannot say much. I don't know, probably I am swaying somewhere in between the two. Although, most probably I am supposed to be feeling sad. I should be found around wearing a thick blanket of despair. But, I am not. And may be, this is what that is actually irritating me. Not feeling woeful when actually I should be. I feel apathetic. Indifferent. And I am not liking it. I have always longed for indifference and now that it has come to me, I feel smothered in its tight hug. I am just irritated. I will be fine soon, Insha'Allah. I know. I will be fine. However, I have always wondered what 'fine' is? 'I am feeling fine'. How do you feel when you 'feel fine'? I don't really think 'feeling fine' is an emotion. You can either feel happy or sad or something of that sort but 'fine'- I am not sure. If some one asks me how am I feeling now. I'd say, 'Why, thank you. I am feeling fine".

I had fun last night, you know. Eeman, Amnah and the very badmaash little Hamza. Oh! I love them. They are the cutest little things. All three of them are in such contrast with each other. Total 'udham', I tell you. *smiles*

I wish I was a person who looked at the bright side of things. They call it 'optimism', yeah? Whatever that is! *dull smile*

I had the interview(s). That's another interesting story, you know. I will tell you, may be in a day or two. I don't feel like writing right now.

Good day!

Aye Mariz-e-Dana'ee...

Jaanta hon mein tum ko zauq-e-shayari bhi hai
Shakhsiyat sajanay mein ek yeh mahiri bhi hai
Phir bhi harf chuntay ho, sirf lafz suntay ho
Inn ke darmiyan kya hai, tum na jaan pa'ogay...


It's about time you started reading between the lines, my friend. It's about time.

One upon a time at sehri

Eik dafa ka zikr hai ke eik Ann thi, eik uski ami huzoor thin aur eik Shehzadi sahiba thi(uska naam waqai Shehzadi tha). Eik din Shehzadi sahiba ne Ann ko aker sehri ke liya jagana chaha magar phir usay na kaam ho ker wapis jana para. Us ne soocha mein Ann se kis tarah is shikast ka badla le sakti hon, aakhirkaar ussay eik tarkeeb zehan mein ayi. Usne soocha kion na mein Ann ke half-fried egg mein bohat sari mirchain daal dun. Us ne foran apne is khayal per amal kiya aur dil khool ker anday per laal mirchain daal diin. Ann ne jab apne half-fried egg ki yeh khoobsurat shakal dekhi tu hairaan rehgayi. Murghi ka woh mazloom andaa puri tarah se surkh horaha tha. Ann ne soocha yeh mein kaise khaonge. Phir uss ne Shehzadi se kaha ke yeh tum ne kya kardiya hai itni sari laal mirchain daal dii hain, tu Shehzadi sahiba ne masoom se shakal bana ker farmaya ke 'zyada dal gayi hain kya magar mein tu bas zara se daalti hon'. Ann ne apna sar pakar liya, phir usne uss half-fry ki cleansing ker ke usko nosh farmaya. Jis waqt Ann woh mazloom andaa nosh farma rahi thi tu Ann ka dil chaha biryani khanay ko. Ann iss tarah ke khana sehri mein normally nahi khati hai but uss din uska dil chaha tu usne S. se kaha ke 'please mere liye biryani garam kardo' (suston ki sardarni). Magar S. sahiba bhi ami ke bedroom ke bahar kharay kharay he uski baat ka jawab derahi thi lehaza ami ke kaan mein biryani ka naam pargaya. Ami ne S. se maloom kiya ke Ann sahiba kya farma rahi hain tu S. ne foran he yeh baat unke gosh-guzaar kardi. Aur phir Ann ko biryani tu naseeb na hoi bas ami ki halki phulki daant khanay ko milgayi. Ami ka kehna tha ke Ann sahiba aap pagal hoi hain jo 2 din pehle ki biryani sehri mein kha ker apni tabiyat kharab karaingi. Ann sahiba khamosh hogayi aur chup chaap murghi ke mazloom anday per iqtefah kiya. Ab koi iss zalim samaaj ko sumjhaye ke agar 2 din pehle ki biryani nahi khaye jaasakti tu woh becharay mazloom logon ka dil jalane ke liye refrigerator mein rakhi he kion hoyi hai. Hmph. Aur phir namaz se farigh hoker Ann hansi khushi sogayi. Khatam shud.

(Iss kahani ke tamam kirdar haqeeqi hain, shehzadi sahiba bhi. Yeh kahani bhi haqeeqat per mabni hai, haan bas yeh ke shehzadi sahiba ne koi badla wadla lene ke liye itni sari mirchain nahi daali thi woh tu bas unko harri harri soojh rahi hogi, ya phir shayad surkh surkh soojh rahi hogi iss liye usne aisa kardiya)

Who's 'me'?

I wonder.

If the people who know me (read family and friends) ever visit my blog, they will adamantly refuse to believe that it belongs to me. They might believe that the happy, aaj-beti, page-from-a-diary-kind posts may  have perhaps been written by me, however the rest, they will reject outrightly. This bleakness, this gloom is not a part of me, if you ask them. If you ask me, I don't really know what is or what isn't a part of me.

I am playing a lot of roles, I guess. And in amidst of all this role-playing, I have forgotten who I really am, or was. I am not doing any of this to please anyone or something like that in fact, I am not doing it at all. All of this is merely a subliminal act. Nevertheless, I wonder which one is the real me amongst all these characters.

I want to sleep now.

Good night.

Let's not title this

"You are a sad little being, you know. A sad little being. I pity you. Sometimes, I really do..."

-------------------------------
I should stop fighting with people. The sooner I do that, the better. I don't know anymore, if all this is making me stronger or otherwise.  Why cannot I be indifferent? It is not that I don't try. I do. Only I know I try, and to what extent. I should stop fighting. But before I can do that I need to find out who am I fighting against- others or myself?

-------------------------------
It's so dark.

I have become an old haunted mansion, full of cob webs, thick blankets of dust and ghosts, successfully shooing people away.

-------------------------------
I need some sort of cleansing.

Some sort of catharsis.

My Fofo

O, I love thee so very much!

Koi baat karo...

Koi khushbu jaisi baat karo...

Interview! Interview! Interview!

*panics*

I have an interview on Wednesday. Haye Allah! Can we please skip Wednesday this week and directly have Thursday instead?

This is going to be the first (well yes, the first official) interview to any firm for me. This could have been the second had the one I had before were not "so" unofficial sort. So, this is going to be the first ever. And to add the cherry to the cake, "jitni bari firm, utne baray nakhray!" Sighs. But, I don't like talking to people much. Aur woh bhi complete strangers. *sobs*

I do not want to screw this up. Let's hope I don't. You know, if they ask me "why did you choose our company and not any other?" I will tell them honestly that "sir jee, let me correct you. I didn't choose you, you chose me and I have the exact same question for you hopping up and down inside my head. Seriously, what were you thinking?" Then if they ask me, "so, Ms. A.H. what inspires you?" I think I will be honest with them again. My answer will be, "the thing, dear interviewer, is that nothing inspires me. Yes, you heard that right. I am a narcissist. Did I forget mentioning it in my resume? So yeah, I believe I am an inspiration in my ownself (for the permanent residents of the loony bin, you see!)" And if they ask me, "Will you please enlighten us about what you perceive as your strengths and weaknesses?" "Oh definitely, that's my favourite question by the way. My weaknesses are that I am a fool, yes, yes, an utter fool, I am so awfully sentimental, I am hyper-hyper-sensitive, I am terrifyingly short-tempered, I am so fastidious, unreasonable, hopelessly depressed almost always, not at all out going- I am a chooha that likes staying in its bill, an introvert, ... *goes on for about another ten minutes* and my strengths are that... that... umm... err... *goes on for about another ten minutes again* Uh, I actually cannot think of any right now, I am a little nervous, you know. *smiles sheepishly* And if they ask me... Do you still think they might ask me more questions after all this? Haha. You are funny, I tell you. Or... May be, just may be, they might actually (only if they are the permanent residents of the loony bin I mentioned above and I happen to inspire them).

Okay, enough wacko-pana. *smiles* I am just feeling a little crazy ever since after the sehri. What did I have in sehri? Just the usual. You want to know what's the usual, eh? Nope, that's a secret I will never tell. *smiles again* I just could not sleep after namaz and all. So, I was tossing and turning in my bed and successfully irritating S., my sister (eik tou I have so many Ss and Zs and As and et ceteras in my life). So, as I tossed my head from one side to another I heard my sister shout "Allahhhhhh!" "Kya hua?", I said. "Apne baal sambhalo!" And I turned my face away mumbling, "itne lambay tu nahin hai mere bechare baal (Kaash hotey)" I so want to grow my hair. I love long hairs. Z. suggests, "tie your hair into a braid and then tie a gigantic rock at the end" *shocked* Imagine that! Stop it! Stop imagining, silly. I was only kidding. Hpmh.

I don't like the idea of working a job. Then why on earth am I putting myself through all this? Because I want to make my pa jani and ami proud of myself. Sighs. Haye!... Aap ka kya hoga janab-e-aali... Aap ka... Shut up! Roza hai, stop humming!

This is such a stupid post. I am only writing this because I cannot sleep and I have nothing better in my life to do therefore, you should read this only when you cannot sleep or have nothing better in your life to do.

 Ohhh! You have already read it, haven't you? The warning was uselessly late, no. Hmm... Ab tu kuch nahi hosakta...!

Have a good morning. Oh and yes, smile! That not-so-drop-dead-gorgeous face of yours might look a tad bit better, you know. So, s-m-i-l-e!

Subha Bakhair...

And again.....

It's happening again. Damn it. It's happening all over again! But I tried so hard this time... Huh.

Dreams and Iron Giant look-alikes...

I had a weird dream while I slept after sehri. I do not usually dream while I sleep (because I do it better with open eyes). Haha. No, but seriously, it happens very less often. But whenever I do, my dreams are normally weird, so no surprises. *smiles*

I love playing tactical shooter games and hence, this was not the first time I dreamt of myself in a game-like scenario, in the middle of a combat. Yes, you can laugh at me. I will allow you that for now. So anyways, I cannot recall it clearly, it has become a little vague now. However, I remember seeing that I was in my own room looking outside the window. The world was in a chaos. I saw muddy flood water like torrent suddenly rush in from somewhere. Then there was some commotion in a ground right in front of my eyes. I saw something huge standing there. Just like the Iron Giant, only that it was not as innocent as the one in the movie. It was evil. I saw him digging out some sort of a brief case from the ground and he saw me looking at him. I was not supposed to be looking at him probably. The moment our eyes met, I realised I was in trouble. I stepped back from my window but it was no use. He used his jet-pack to fly up to me and he had a weird weapon in his hand. It was shining bright orange which made me realise that it was something horribly hot. I was scared. I cannot recall the details after that but somehow I escaped him. But the relief was momentary, I knew he'd attack me again and he did. But someone saved me. Z. saved me! *confused* Why would Z. save me? This was the most random part. Where did Z. come from? Okay whatever.

Now that I think of what I saw, it makes me laugh. The eccentricity and the sheer randomness of it makes me laugh. Although, when I opened my eyes, I was afraid. The fear that I felt in my dream was too real. I could sense it even after having woken up. That Iron Giant look-alike frightened me. Yes, it did.

My dreams/nightmares are so childish, I must admit.

Of sehri and other lovely things...

First sehri, huh? I'm lovin' it... (MacDonald's should consider signing me up for their ad. campaign- These day it's too much of "I'm lovin' it" and blah with me).

Had a hearty sehri. *smiles* Wait! No, my hearty sehri does not include spicy stuff which is normally particular to lunches and dinner but for some reason people decide to have them at sehri. How do thee do that? (That twisted my tongue, I swear) Anyways, so how? Especially the most shocking of all, the infamous, "nehari". Taubah. What? *grins* Don't give me looks. You can have it, if you want to. Meine kab mana kiya hai?!

S. drinks so much water at sehri. She is insane. I asked while she poured the third glass of water into her tank, "kya faidaa..??" Her reply was, a grin only. I cannot drink more than one glass. One glass and I'm done.

I need to stop humming songs now. *sheepish smile* I was humming to a ghazal while having my sehri. Taubah hai.

Uff... Ramazan is the one of the best-est things in the world. It is so blisssssful, ain't it?

*prays under the breath* (Allah karay roza na lagay pehle he din...)

Off to bed. *grin*

Kuch iss ada se aaj woh...