I'm so very cross, I assure you that

I'm freakin' tired of certain people. And since I am actually tired, I'm going to stop fighting them- for the time being at least. I know cannot hold myself from fighting them but I'm going to lay low for a while, I suppose. I've become the buzz word, sadly enough. I think I'm also being targeted now. Huh, can you believe it? Therefore, I'm planning to go underground- I'm outnumbered, evidently.

Why is this (my) generation so bloody ridiculous?

I'm going to wail (read: assail) if you step on my tail, you dimwits. So, stay away and stay safe. Otherwise, don't go to your mommies crying about what a terrible person I am. It's not as if you hadn't received enough warnings.

Bloody unprofessionals. Sissy whiners. Inflated buffoons.

*deep breath*

Pfft, no?

I wouldn't want my husband (whoever the poor soul may be) to take me out to a belly dancing show! Na-ah! Not at all! 

*disgusted* 

Hullow! It's not a ghazal night. It's belly dancing, I'm talking about.

Pfft.

God!

Night.

I should go to sleep now.

P.S. Was about to write something a couple of hours ago but then, I got distracted... by some cartoons. (Oh, no pun intended, okay!) And, now I'm too sleepy to write anything. *yawns* Work tomorrow (today, actually). When will I quit? *frowns* Monday mornings, yuck. Pfft.

And...

How have we been lately...?

*that expression when you don't know whether you should attempt a smile or not*

I'll be back, and soon.

I promise.

All in a day's work, nothing much

Just when you think everything will be alright after all- fate finds a way to kick you exactly where your gut is. And then, you cough up blood!

The ogre speaks...

I'm such a horrible person, I have no parallel.

What else would you call person who'd ruin someone's birthday for them, who'd make them cry on their birthday.

I spoiled everything. I just... I'm so hideous. Look beneath this fair skin- and you'll see for yourself.

It's always my fault, is it not? No. No. If you think I'm saying this in that pity-seeking manner then you're gravely mistaken. I'm stating a fact, as a matter of fact. It is always my goddamn fault.

This isn't self pity. Trust me it's not. It's guilt, and it's killing me.

I am an ogre. A clumsy one. I'm not wretched, however. I'm just very unfortunate. Everything I touch... No, hold you horses; it doesn't turn into gold... it rather burns to ashes. I try to be good, but it doesn't really work out. I scare people. Sigh. I'm looking for love (platonic, you twit *scowls*) but then, hey! I'm an ogre, right? Shrek found love only because he lived in a world that was created by DreamWorks. Shrek was real! But his world... that was fiction. My world... is real. More real than it should be. There exit no Donkeys or Fionas.

I feel so ashamed, of my very own self. How can I hurt people, and that too so very often.

Fear and other funny things

Afraid, aren't we all? We all have fears. Some great, while some not so much.

And, do you know a funny thing about fear my friend?

The funny thing about fear, my dear, is that we only fear what we believe in. We only fear what we are certain of.

We fear God, because we believe in Him. Those who do not believe, do not fear Him.

We fear death, for we know it to be inevitable. There is no escape.

I am afraid, too. I have fears too.

I fear... being alone, being left out- not being loved.

And I think I'll repeat... the funny thing about fear, my friend, is that we only fear what we are certain of- regardless of whether we are aware of us being certain of it. We only fear what we believe is, or will be true!

There are fireflies inside my tummy right now, and I'm serious!

I'm a story writer. I mainly write... well, flops stories- what else.  I wrote another one today. It is about a... *thinks for sec* yea, a guppy fish and a... *thinks again* a sloth!

The sloth gave the guppy a paper handkerchief when it saw tears in the fish's eyes, and- the guppy fish gave the sloth its heart in return. The guppy wasn't very keen on taking favours, you see. So yes, the guppy gave its heart away just to return the favour. 


The End.

*looks away and starts whistling*

There, you just read a story about a tissue-paper-carrying sloth and a heartless guppy fish, who was also very dignified (or proud). *tadaaaa*

You, my friend just witnessed the very own work of my marvelous wackiness! If you've ever wished accomplishing something that no one else ever has; let me tell you mate that by reading my work of unparalleled insanity you...  just accomplished that! So, how does it feel... to get an opportunity to bask in the reflections of my magnificence?

Excuse me please, I feel a little dizzy. I've just put down my fourth shot of a dainty rainbow flavoured drink that had tiny little multicoloured fireflies in it, and it was served to me by a very handsome, young and sparkly leprechaun, or was it a hobgoblin dressed up as a leprechaun... Nope. I cannot remember anymore. And yup, in case you're still wondering, I just gulped down fireflies! Wooohooo.

Wait a sec! How did the sloth see tears in the guppy fish's eyes? I thought one could cry underwater without being noticed??

Pfft.

...

Aag ko khail pattangoun ne sumajh rakha hai

Sab ko anjaam ka darr ho yeh zaruri tou nahin...

I just called myself 'demented', huh?

It is hard to love me. I tell you it is. I don't really allow people much ground to stand on when it comes to loving me.

Disliking me might, on the other hand be less taxing.

I love you papa. (Yeahh, that's right! I'm sad... These two statements have become so synonymous. Sighs.)

He's the only person who must've never hated me- ever! Not even for a split of a nanosecond.

Sometimes, I start feeling like a stupid little attention-seeking, desperate kid. You know throwing all those nobody-loves-me tantrums, at myself of course. Lately, I haven't really been throwing tantrums at anyone except for well, myself... *looks away*

The only people who love me, love me because... Ah, they are poor souls, and are pretty helpless. They ain't got no choice, baby. They're bound. *sigh*

I'm so demented.

P.S. Don't sympathize, puh-leez!

P.P.S. Eid Mubarak everyone. Hope you guys had an awesome awesome time. I did too... Don't gawk like that. It's rude. And I'm not lying. Haan, I did have a good time na. True story bhaee!

P.P.S. bj (not BJ, lol) became a pa-paaah! You know what that makes me, haina? *smiles* I'm so happy about it. Allah saaa'iin... Thanks ♥!

P.P.P.S. I've confused you, no?

Musings at 0142

*whispers*

Am I crazy?

In my head...

... It's a very cloudy day, tonight.

Grey and gloomy.

Suffocating, too.

The sun, however, tries pretty hard to peek out a bit. The heavy grey clouds are a little too overwhelming, even for that giant yellow light bulb up there. Yet, it manages a few peeks- once in a few many hours at most.

The clouds are grey. And gloomy. And heavy. But they won't pour, oh no. They're just being naughty.

-

Nothing new on the weather channel, huh. Let's watch cartoons.

=(

I need to talk. I really do need to talk to someone. Someone who'd listen...

I know that's too much to ask for... But, I'm really tired. I cannot go on like this anymore. Simply cannot.

And, I also cannot merely keep talking to myself (or to the blog, even blogging counts as talking to one's own self), or even pigeons, for that matter. Cannot talk to pigeons anymore. Yes, they're really good listeners but they just stare at you; and trust me, with their blood-shot (well, so they seem) eyes it's not much of a comfort, so to speak. I've been talking to pigeons all my life, I know how it is, okay!

I'm so so sooo unhappy right now.

*sighs*

P.S. I said I need to talk but, I've no idea what I want/need to talk about. Marvelous, is it not? *shakes head*

Soochta hoon...

'Kal bicharna hai tou phir ehd-e-wafa sooch ke baandh

Abhi aaghaaz-e-muhabbat hai, gaya kuch bhi nahin...'

Have been listening to qawwaliis for 3 days straight.

Qawwali ♥.

Sometimes, I think some amount of crudeness... is pretty awesome, and pleasing.

P.S. I have still not returned to my senses. I don't even know when I lost them, or where. *sulks* I feel so... angry? Great. So, I don't even know how or what exactly am I feeling. Doesn't get any better!

Hi, it's me again

Where is everybody, when you need them?

Sighs.

I think I should give in now. There is no point anyways, and I am getting weary.


Really needed someone to crack me up a little...

But, I guess I'm just left with... myself, for now.

Night.

P.S. Papa, I miss you. And, I miss so many people. *shakes head* God! It's awful being sad and not knowing why.

Wayward wind

It's graver than you might imagine...

Not knowing what you would do with your life- it's tricky.

Almost..

It's as if someone pays you to go against me.

I wish you knew that you kill a tiny little part of me with your impertinence, every time. How long before you reach a cent percent, I can only wonder.

Rain and a few laughs

The rain made me laugh today, in a very hysteric manner, that is. I kid you not.

It was a fit.

Rain is one beautiful thing.

De Facto

You're playing a game, that you will lose.

And, if you leave this game- you will be leaving a game that you can win.

Both the statements... are as concrete as your existence, and mine.

Am I really not going to do it? And go against my will...?



Shit.

Wacky, wackier, wackiest- just keeps getting better, uh?

*clears throat*

If I simply have to fall for something, like if it's the only thing left in the world, like you just have to have to. Okay, so you get the point, right. I'd fall for... wackiness.

You?

Hum dou'hri azeeyat ke giraftar musafir...

You cannot leave, can you now? It's too late, is it not? The path that you've chosen for yourself my love, aren't you aware isn't meant for you? Why would you, why would you go after something that you know isn't even real. Something that is but a mere figment of your imagination. An illusion. A mirage. A trick that your own mind is playing on you.

It's difficult. I know it's difficult when parts of your very own self turn against you. But you are no fool, or... am I mistaken again? Perhaps. It's been really long... It's been really long after all.

But you must understand, my precious. These paths that you're treading upon, they aren't yours. And there is no way you can make them yours. They belong to someone else. Let it go. Turn around, trace back your foot steps. I know. I very well know. It's too late now. I know it's too late to turn around. But there's still a chance.

You've walked farther into these lands than you should have, my dear. Much farther. There isn't much hope. Yet, believe me, and you will have to- a flicker remains. So, I suppose all is not lost my love. Not all. Not yet. Come back before you reach the point of no return. Before all that you have, is lost. Before there is nothing left- for anybody, anymore. Have mercy on yourself. Pray, have mercy.

Or, have mercy on these lands at least. Don't acquaint them with yourself so much. Don't let them fall in love with you. Don't inflict such misery upon them. They're alive, do you not see? Would you like for these marvelous, enchanting lands to turn barren? To end up into nothing but wretched, desolated waste lands. Would you want that? Can you be so cruel? Can you be so heartless? No! You cannot. You must not!

You have to leave. You have to- eventually. The sooner you leave, the better. Every next moment you spend here, you must understand, shall add to your dismay. Every passing second shall only make it twice as excruciating as it is now. Therefore leave, you must.

Leave! And, never look back. Or, you might as well turn into a stone, my precious- a stone.

It's no use crying over split milk...

And therefore, we laughed.

Khairu just spilt all the milk all over the floor... and his face too. It slipped out of his hands. Albeit, how did he manage getting it all over his face is beyond my imagination and guessing abilities.

Instead of scolding him, everybody started laughing. Well, of course I didn't. Well, not initially. *tries not to laugh* I feigned a little anger, but then... I burst out laughing. I had to. He looked outrageously hilarious, you see.

Errr... A li'l help here plzzz

I need an alibi (yes, I like using this word incorrectly, lol) to quit.

I cannot come up with any excuse that's convincing, but requires the least amount of explanation (read: lying).

Can you help? That'd be exceedingly nice of you and I promise I would stop hating you if you help. (*grins*)

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Ramadan mubarak!

Can't sleep. There's too much on my mind...

Last ramadan, I was another person. Standing on the mark of almost a year, I'm another person altogether.

What changed? To this, I never found the correct answer- well, not yet.

Although, there is something I know. And that is, that this person has lost her connection with her Creator. As much as I regret, the truth remains that she isn't as close to her Sustainer as she once used to be, despite her vices.

I haven't been sad, for the most longest period as far as I can remember. But, I haven't been happy either. The only feeling that I've crossed paths with lately is agitation, discontentment.

From bad, to worse. What growth!

Help me Allah saa'iin.

Any-the-ways. This wasn't meant to turn out so remorseful, I don't know what happened. Read the title again, I had no intentions to make this post sound like what it does now.

But then, who cares. Hola! It's my blog. *smiles* Ramadan mubarak. Pray for me, won't you? Yes, you. Thank you. *smiles again*

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...Into the looking glass

I looked at you... and there you were. Drenched in the deadly toxins of disloyalty. Treachery.

So acrid, so noxious...

What happened to you my precious? I wondered woefully and stared in disbelief...

There's always a first time.

Have you ever (at times) hated something without even seeing it? Without experiencing it?

I never thought I would ever be able to hate rain.

Mistaken.

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Disclaimer: The author of the post takes no responsibility for your responses, no matter how agitated, to this post. Read at your own risk.

I have sort of forgotten how to start a post in an appropriate manner... It's just been too long. However, I shall try to make it sound less abrupt, but bear with me. 

I know, I haven't really shared much of what's happening these days, *Assumption Check: 'you care about what's happening at my side'* and I don't really know where to start from, or if I need to- at all. 

Let's just not go too far into the past. Let's just talk about the last week.

It has been eventful. Exceedingly eventful. If you think eventful is being used in a positive manner here, then you need to think again *hint: try thinking... not so positively, lol*. Hmm, so this client whom I thought we had put to rest- for good, was somehow awakened. And, turn out nothing short of a mayhem- for me at least. 

We received the SRR from the frenemies, or just enemies perhaps, that pointed out the errors or loopholes that we left in our work. *interruption: are you googl-ing 'SRR', if you answered with a 'yes' then... haha, I doubt you'd ever find what I meant, lol. I was trying to be cool (read: lame). Oh well, it stands for a 'special review report'. I just made that up- the 'SRR' part, not that 'special review report' you moron.* The annexures that were relevant to the heads that I covered were handed over to and I was asked to make the due changes. Being the super-genius that I am, I amended my documentation accordingly with just a flick of my left hand. *looks away and starts whistling*.

I submitted my work and frolicked around the office (actually the client's office) with a Jolly Rancher in my hand. I nestled comfortably for a good three four days, with my pretty little orange-coloured naive thoughts which lulled me to sleep every night by ensuring me that my work was done and the rest of the mess was to be covered by (codename) 'Dukhi Aatma' . Well, because it was his mess in the first place. 

But then came.... *Ka-booom*.... (wait for it).... Friday! Friday was a good day, you know. Or, at least so I thought. *frowns* The last good thing I remember that happened on that day was, me talking to (codename) '(my) Helping Hand'. After that...... Everything started going wrong, like majorly! Everything was unfolding into a catastrophe. It was chaos. End of the world, sort. Complete devastation. 

I left from work around 6:30-ish and got home by... Do you want to guess? No. Take a chance. I insist. 

9:15-ish. Oh dear God! YES! It took me almost 3 damn hours to get home, which is not in Hyderabad, I repeat! I live very much in the doomed city. My home's around 16 kilometres away from my workplace. 

What's next you ask? Next is...... getting a call from your job in-charge asking you to come on a Saturday to the firm and breaking it to you that, congratulations! You just won a lottery! *sighs* ... that you haven't covered a few activities in your process flows.

It wasn't my mistake, technically. During the assignment those activities were rendered as insignificant which meant that they need not be covered in the documentation. But, our not-so-dear enemies had an epiphany one night and decided to write down more miseries for me (unknowingly, of course). 

Dr. Dolittle (my job in-charge) back fired on the fact that we had mutually decided not to cover those activities, and inquired me as naively as was possible, why in the world had I not covered them in the first place?

Hmm. *skipping a few details* I completed my work and humpty dumpty fell from the wall, and we kinda tried putting him together but didn't work out for any of us. *stops for a moment* Err... okay, just ignore that.

I completed my work over the weekend, humpty dumpty helped, we burnt the midnight oil together. And, yeah lit up a bong too. *What? No! I didn't say what you heard (saw). You're hallucinating! What? Have you been smoking some bong lately? Tsk. Tsk. Too bad.*  Anyways, so I was invited (read: summoned) to the firm on Tuesday for the same Zombie client. Why again, you ask? Oh well, Dukhi aatma decided to fall ill and the rubble was dumped onto me. 

I was asked to print out the entire documentation for stage I, and then cross-reference it with the SRR. Bas, itna sa kaam. I and Helping Hand, did it in a jiffy. (When I typed 'define: jiffy', schmoogle said, 'jiffy is a short span of time that may just last for the entire day if you see a dark cloud hovering over your head only, with seldom heavy showers (and lightening bolts too), depending on how lovely the weather is'.)

Just when we were done with the printing and the filing of Zombie client's working papers, and started with the cross referencing, I had a manifestation that Dukhi aatma might have committed a major blunder, that would ruin my professional life for the next few days to come. I told Dr. Dolittle so. Oh nahiin, not that my prof life is going to be ruined. I told him that Dukhi has made a horrible mix-up. He told me to get done with the cross referencing and that he'd take care of things after that. Helping Hand and I, skeptical to the core, carried out the orders. We knew this was going to come running back around to us only. 

And what do you know, it did. Anyways, I'm sort of bored now, and will wrap it up. So, it took us another day and the next morning, to fix the blunders that others committed. But, we managed. Helping Hand and I make a good team. By the end, of our work Helping Hand earned the title of '(my) Helping Hand'. We were fatigued and blah. 

Later, in the evening I received a text message saying.....

"Good work at 'zombie client'"!

Can you believe it? It's a sin punishable by execution to praise someone's work here. And I got praised. Haven't heard from Dr. Dolittle ever since. Oh well, may be he was thrown to the alligators that we have in our firm's basement. Or, he was tied to the railway behind our building and a train ran over him. What can I say, will find out the story on Monday, I guess. 

"Good work..", eh? 

Yay-eee!!! 

I don't mind working my head off, if my seniors actually prove to be graceful enough to praise it afterwards.

P.S. Dang, are you still reading? I hope not- for your own good that is. Ha. The disclaimer in the title was an honest hint, you know.

Slussshhhh-yyyyy

Who needs Coolattas when your sister knows how to make an amazing slush?

Err... Although, the only thing you'll need is a scheme to blackmail her into making one. Hmmmm...!

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Forgetting to look before we leap, are we?

I owe you, don't I?

I do. Big time.

I hope I get to return the favours, my friend. I would love to.

-

I'm a traveler, half-weary. And you- You are a mirage that I'm meant to chase?

A mirage, still.

Citizens of the doomed city, how are you- IF you still are?

Hello! How are you doin', sir? Ma'am?

How about me, you asked?

Oh well, I'm alive. Isn't that something now, ha? No stray bullet hit me. Nah, no such news to give you an adrenaline rush and get you all excited and pumped up. Not as yet, at least.

So, yeah. Your miseries ain't ending so soon, my friend.

Damn you, you treacherous swines!

Ha, by the way! Does that remind you of something? Anything? A pagalon wali game that devours so much of your time without you realising it?  C'mon now..?

I'm not going anywhere, but I guess you should.

*sighs* 

I cannot write anymore. No, really- I can't. 

All of you guys may leave, if you please. I mean seriously, for your own good. I'm no more as fun as I used to be. 

I'm not different anymore. I'm just like everybody else now. So mundane. Just part of the crowd. 

I'm sorry to disappoint.

All this, and so much more to be thankful for and yet...

And you've no idea how lucky I am?


I am happy, and it has been the longest span of glee that I've experienced lately.

Happy, very happy. Yet, discontent.

*sighs and smiles*

Something, somewhere... is just not right.

jaa aur koi zabt ki duniya talaash ker
aye ishq hum tou ab tere qaabil nahin rahe

Of unsound mind..

So, is it true what they say about you?

That you are- you are insane? A little deranged, perhaps?

Aaj bhi ka'abay ke chakkar mein hai masroof jahaan... Aaj tak Moula Ali(as) tera na sad'qa utraa

Hisaar-e-noor meri wus'at-e-bayaa'n mein nahin

Kahan se laa'on woh quwwat meri zubaa'n mein nahin

Ali ke baab mein humse na behes kar waa'iz

Mere yaqeen ki manzil tere gumaa'n mein nahin

I don't want any favours.

A part of me will die every time I take upon myself a favour, and I have no intention of letting myself die in such a sad way.

Thanks- but, I am sorry.

*smiles*

one bala down, one more to go..

Bala, as in monster in urdu and sindhi (and any other language).

I had Audit & Assurance exam today.... I don't know how it went. Cannot comment. Err.. cannot comment not because I'm reserving my comments but because... well, you have to know something to comment on it. Lol. Pata nahi kaise hua, seriously.

Khairu, opened the gate and went like, "Sahi thee wayu na baji" (It went alright, no?). And my grin grew wider, for God knows what reason. But he sounded cute. I had asked him to pray for me. Hence, he was asking about the exam. Khairu has the most cutest smile I've seen lately. *smiles* And, probably its because of this smile that I cannot scold him or be angry at him. I try speaking strictly with him when he doesn't do things right, but it doesn't really work. He's a good boy.

Khairrrr, met Gruphy and Gopher at the exam centre, which was lovely. Meeting lovely people unexpectedly is lovely indeed. And guess what, both of them happened to be waiting for me. *grins* I feel important. Gopher looked so immensely human, gopher is called a gopher for a reason you should understand. I introduced gopher and gruphy to each other, which was another lovely thing. So, all this loveliness sort of made me forget about the exam and its dreadfulness.

Gruphy left afterwards, so I was left with Gopher who had to wait reeeeally long because my driver decided to disappear somewhere. But, it was good catching up after soo many days. It was lovely, again. Lol.

I got home smiling, which made mum feel good. However, I did break it to her that I'm not smiling because I'm acing the exam. *grins* I told her how lovely the evening after exam had been. Then, I had a little chat with her about gopher and gruphy, and so she discovered that I was actually smiling at gopher's silliness. Even mum knows how silly gophers can be. *winks* Anyways, so ammi jani asked me to ask gopher to meet me on friday too at the exam centre (despite the fact that gopher doesn't have an exam on friday, lol) so that I can return home with a grin and not a grimace on my face.

Anyways, too much about gophers and gruphys.

Or, not.

Has it ever crossed your mind why all the people around me have nick names that sound like names that people would rather have for their pets, lol? No. Gruphy hates her nickname. Says it sounds like a dogs name. Not wrong, is that? Haha. And gopher has another animal-istic nick as well which is, 'sloth'. Sloth can be used as a swear too, you see. Here, try this. Say it grinding your teeth with wrath, 'YOUU, SLOTHH!!'. Haina? Haha. And then, there's a 'maindak'. I don't like maindak, hence maindak! I've gave Z a new nick as well. It's 'kambal', lol. No, don't ask. *chuckles* But yeah, kambal is very animal-istic. *smiles* I was tentatively called a 'white monkey' too. Again, don't ask.

I watched the musical from the 60's 'My Fair Lady'. Ufff. I've fallen in love with it. It was exceeding lovely. I think it'll be my favorite movie from now on. I didn't really have a 'favourite' movie up till now, can you believe it? Yes, it's kind of difficult for me to categorise things as 'my favourites'. I jump at disliking things, where as liking stuff has always been a problem for me. *sighs*

Here, have a giggle (at my miseries):

S (referring to ZB): She needs medical attention... She DOES

Me: Ha-ha. Even you needed medical attention, did we provide you with any such thing, no na? Tou isay kion dilwa'aingay?

BJ: Aur tum per tou medical bhi fail hogai, kion?

Me: *whaaaaaat*

S & ZB: Hahahahahahaha... *nearly rolling on the bed in fits of laughter*

Me: *jumps at BJ and starts beating him- day dreams*

The darkness, that swallowed me.

Why did I ever leave you? Why? And why did you let me go, back into those murky dark waters? Or may be you didn't. No. You didn't. You didn't let me go. I was the one who left you. I slipped out my hand from your hands. My love you for wasn't strong enough. My demons were stronger. I reverted back to the darkness that still thrived in some shady corners of my heart. The darkness took over me and swallowed my love for you with it.

My eyes were weak. The darkness that had grown on to me did not allow me to see the truth; the glory; you. I was foolish. I was ignorant. I was oblivious. I was walking farther and farther away from you, without even realising it. My mind did not recognise the darkness; my demons disguised it with light. My senses refused to even notice how dreary and grey this light was. And, so I kept walking.

My heart was silent. Silent as a grave. I realised not, that it was dying. Neither did I realise this silence to be the one that there is before a storm. So, I kept walking- into obscurity.

So, I kept walking- for days, and nights. I kept walking, until I it grew harder and harder for me to breath. Alas! The oblivion. I started gasping for air soon. Suffocated. I looked around, as if absurdly trying to see the air around me. I stopped. I had to. Every single muscle I moved seemed to rob me off the last bit of oxygen left in my blood. I inhaled as deep a breath as I could have, as if intending to inhale every single molecule of oxygen that was there around me. But, to no avail. There was none.

Panic started creeping into my skin. There was no air around me. I started gasping harder, louder and louder. My legs surrendered and brought me to ground. I was suffocating, right under an open sky. My heart raced faster, I could hear every single thud it made against my chest. My vision shrank. My head ached. Warm water seeped out of my eyes; eyes that had been dry ever since eons- it seemed. I was helpless, and alone.

The grey light grew dimmer and dimmer. I felt all walls closing in on me; except that there were no walls, anywhere. Fright penetrated the depths of my heart and then... And then, I thought of you. And then and only then, I realised my hand wasn't in yours. I tilted my head to look, tracking my eyes back on the path that I took here. My pupils dilated. Was it the shock, or the darkness? But what difference did it make? One or the same thing, weren't they?

There was no path. Only a haunting void. A vaccum. My heart stopped. My head fell back on ground. There was nothing. Except darkness. Above me. Below me. To my right. To my left. In every single direction, I saw it. Enveloping me, in itself. My body lay there on the ground, still as a corpse. The only thing negating death were my eyes, weeping; my lashes, shivering along with the eyelids. I wanted to scream- I had no voice. I wanted to call your name- I had no voice. All I wanted was to scream your name, but... I had no voice.

Ah God! Not again...

*a thoughtful smile*

Tolkien, others might not be... but, I am!

But, I certainly am.

Sighs.

Exams are around the corner and I'm not interested in studying. Despite this being my qualifying attempt, I've no motivation. No. Nada. I'm not really working hard. But then on a second thought, I never have. Nevertheless, I do at least try to put in some effort usually. However, I don't know what's wrong with me this time. I feel so disoriented. A little listless.

 I've had a change of heart with regards to a lot of things. I really do mean A LOT, when I say a lot. I'm not the same person I was last year, and it's kind of irritating because I've never really been good with such radical changes. 

But things change, right. Change is what connotes life, doesn't it. All of us have changed in some way or other. Let's see some illustrations: *smiles*

♠ Ally- she's farther away now then she used to be, physically and virtually as well.

♠ Sid- has plunged deeper into her lake of distress. No more happy posts from her anymore.

♠ B- is.... oh well, B has managed to remain B, I shall surmise. *smiles* He never used to blog often and, that hasn't changed much (so okay, I don't see how he has evolved- so let's just assume he hasn't!)

♠ Majworld- he's maturing at a rate faster than fast. His posts have changed from happy-go-lucky-everyday-stuff to deeper things. It sometimes makes me laugh at how closely and scrutinizingly he has started looking at things. Yes, I'm sorry majworld, but it makes me laugh. :P

So yes, we evolve with time, don't we? No surprise, if I did too, right? But... it isn't exactly what I could've ever imagined. I don't know at what point did I let go off myself, but I did. I was supposed to let go off other things but somehow I guess I let go off my own self. 

Honestly, and I don't care how cliched this sounds but, the ironic truth is that as soon as I changed.... my world turned to a perfect mirror image of my hopes and wishes. Only... it was too late. I somehow didn't want it anymore. So, it kind of doesn't matter now. *smirk*  Everything around me started falling right in its place; just that... I wasn't standing exactly where I used to before. And not to mention, my cynicism has escalated drastically. (Will write on it specifically, later sometimes).

Have I ever told you, that I don't have dreams? Dreams as in, like how people want to own a yacht (that's Gopher's dream, lol) or something else; or achieve something in life; et cetera. Yea, that sort of dreams. I can't think of any. I don't know if it's sad or what. I'm just not interested enough, so to speak. 

I was always dull and boring and, I still am. However, the only thing that's different now I guess is an added tinge of apathy and agitation.

And let me confess the most deplorable part of my (uncalled for) evolution- I have lost my connection with Him. I was a sinner, as far back as I can see myself. Never a saint, or even close. One of His worst creatures, I feel sad to admit. But there was still a connection. I feel disconnected now. My soul feels disconnected.

I want to revert back to Him. I want it so bad. I want it so bad!

So yeah, anyways. I'm going to go away now (well, I'm gonna try to), until my exams are over, and that'll be 10th June. I don't really think I'll be totally away though, because ever since the exam fever has started, loitering on blogspot seems to be the nicest thing to do. Han na, I want to do everything that doesn't spell 'S-T-U-D-Y'. Thank Lord, I've temporarily discontinued playing Crysis2. Will resume after exams though. But, I'm just concerned that Gopher would have completed it by then. *frowns* I hope not. *fingers crossed*

By the way, S made me listen to another silly song, (no, don't worry I'm not going to keep it a secret to stir curiosity this time) it's akon's chammak challo. God! What's up with songs these days? It's funny though, just the chammak challo part. It's funny because I made an inside joke out of it. But on a serious note, we need song writers, decent song writers, that is. Nevertheless, the previous song from dehli belly makes me go hahaha really! When I made my ami jani listen to it, she gave me a disgusted look as the song began. 'Aray yaaar *shakes head* isko music ki tarah mat lain iss ko mazah ke tanazur se dekhain', I protested (lol, no I didn't use either of the words mazah or tanazur. I couldn't have anyways, coz' I speak sindhi, remember silly!) *smiles* So, yes she laughed a little while listening, which means she thought it was funny too! 

Okie, I shall leave you now. You may let out a deep sigh of relieve. I know you want to. *smiles* 

Image courtesy: weheartit

And PENCHAR-ED, you shall be!

Buahahahahaaa... (excuse me- again)

Thought of the day: *I seem to have lost the tiny little last wee of gray matter that I was holding in my head's strongroom*

Oh well, this goes out for Furree, Ally and Ph_!! *winks*



You have to roll on floor after listening to this. You HAVE to! Otherwise.... Uhh otherwise... *err... I can't think of anything otherwise*

Khair, I'm such drama, no? *grins*

*rofl*

Hahahaha....

I just happened to listen to an absurdly hilarious Indian song! And, I liked it.

*chuckles*

Okie bye.

*turns back*

What?!

You want me to tell you what song?

Ha!

Na, I won't. Not yet, I mean. Emm... Kal bataongi.... shayad!!

Why?

Because.... *scratches head* Ah yes! Because, I'm evil (how can I forget). *angry at self*

*grins*

*frolics away*

P.S. Excuse me. Haha.

A few chuckles at noon

Ami is going to get gulnaz scolded from me some day, lol. Ami knows I come at the lunch/dinner table late, yet she consistently keeps sending her to let me know, 'A*** api bulrahe hain aapko', 'A*** api khana thanda hojaye ga', 'A*** api yeh', 'A*** api woh'.... Kissi din suna dungi mein uss bechari ko, I'm afraid. :P Daant tou khair khairu sahib bhi kha sakte hain, but odds for him are a little less because he doesn't hang in the doorway until he's assured that I'm coming, unlike gulnaz.

S and I were discussing a camera right now, and I asked her something about the other camera she was talking about but she was confusing it with another camera and I was irritated because she wasn't really getting me so I screamed. :P Mum was amused, not exactly what I expected. She hates it when I scream- but not this time, apparently. S giggled and remarked as I was leaving the lounge, 'Bilkul murad ho tum!'

I did a 180 degree spin.

'Who?'

'Murad!!' she said almost sticking out her tongue at me.

'Kaun muraa....' and just then I realised that she was reading a  novel.

'What the hell...' I thought, 'I'm sure murad won't be a good character'.

'Ami murad kon hota hai..', I asked agitatedly.

'Khud he parh lena', S interrupts and then mentions to mum, 'Hana ami, bilkul ussi ke jaisi hai'.

Ami laughs a little and says.... 'eik big'ra howa larka hai'.

My mouth almost drops open.

Kya yaaaaaar.... This is bad.

Lol.

You are not indispensable, and you're aware of it. You do realise that all of them can do without you; and do a lot better actually.

You're such a mess, dear one.

You try- I know. You try to be good, less stubborn, a little more comprising; but that almost always ends up in a way worse than you hope, doesn't it?

No one acknowledges.

But, you are very brave, my love. Very brave.

I love you, papa jani.

May you always always be as fresh and cheery as you sounded today. Ameen ameen ameen.

♥

Jaanay kab honge kum, is dunya ke ghum...

I was planning to come here to rant about my own self. About my silly issues. But then, all that seems so insignificant now.

I'm fuming. My sister asks me to lower down my voice whenever I'm discussing the attack on the Mehran Base with ami, telling me mum's sitting beside me only. But I cannot. Because I'm furious. I'm on the verge of pulling my hair off my head.

Six (or, so they say) godforsaken militants enter your base, blow up two of the best surveillance aircrafts that you have, martyr ten and injure fifteen or so of your men, and then, mother of all audacities, a couple of them manage to escape despite the fact that the entire area was cordoned off. How, God how? How in the world?

Just six goddamn men! Are you kidding me? You refuse any claims of hostage situations, you refute allegations of a security lapse. What was it then? A nawtankee, or something are you suggesting?

Taliban and al-qaeda sound such clichés to me now. Scapegoats that every and any one can use for every and any thing. They cannot of course be written-off completely with regards to this attack, however. But my grey cells say that navy hasn't really had much to do with these organisation. Had air force or army been under attack, they would sure be somewhere up in my list but it has been naval forces that have been under attack since the last month.

Manmohan Singh is sure as hell concerned about the safety of our nukes, as always. *rolls eyes* A cracker doesn't even go off completely in this country and his concern about our nukes pokes out its head. I'd kill to insert a sock in his mouth (though, a nuclear warhead sounds a lot better). Why aren't we being quick and reckless at drawing our guns and shooting the blame at India? Why not, I say? India has all the reasons, so to speak. They accuse us of everything. Why shouldn't we?

Don't give me the shit that we are mature people, who don't just put blames on others without first figuring things out in a proper manner. Don't give me the shit that we are very responsible people, unlike our dear neighbour. Because to be honest, it has only recently occurred to me that there is an immensely fine line between the so-called maturity and responsibility that has been referred to above and cowardice. And therefore, I cannot really figure out if we are mature and responsible or plain cowards- spineless.

This government has done nothing but led this country deeper into the dumps. I'm done and over with ranting about the catastrophes that Musharraf inflicted upon this land. This government is no better. It has only continued on- not to mention, very ardously, with what that wretched chawkidaar started. But then, any blind person with a tiniest wee of gray matter left would've seen it coming the same day Mr. Ten Percent took the office as the president.

The armed forces of my country that I was once in love with, cannot protect their own base. How in the world do they think they can protect my home? It was their base this time. How long before it's my home?

The state that we are in, is dismal. This is a plot to defame our nation, our armed forces. It's a gigantic game, that we've inadvertently become a part of. And what some of us haven't realised yet is the fact that we are fighting against our own bloody selves.

It wasn't out war. It wasn't!

Allah saa'iin please protect us and this country from everything, for the sake of Muhammad (sawaw) o aal-e-Muhammad (sawaw).

Contamination

Bohat zehr bhar gaya hai aap ke andar Ann, bohat zyada.

No, I haven't died- yet...

So... *awkward silence* What's up?

Is anybody missing me? Or, my senseless yakety yak-ing  for that matter?

*smiles heartily*

Did I ever tell you I get a dimple when I smile? Not on the both sides though. The right side's dimple disappeared as I grew up. And now, it's just me and my left side dimple.

That's all folks.

Okiethnxbye.

How old are you, my love?

Twenty-two, plus!

*speaks in a very gentle voice* Well my child, I think it's about time you decide to grow up. By now, well at least principally speaking, you should've grown out of the crushing phase. But, aren't some of us so adamant on not growing up?

*yells* Grow up, you nincompoop! Snap out of it now! Ugghh!

-
Exaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaams! Parhna warhna hai nahin, bas cheekhain maarni hain- Exams! Exams! Exams! Huh. *shakes head in disapproval*

Shift 2 is such a bummer! I don't like it, not even a tiny wee. The handling is so freakin' outta control. I'm sorry, I liked nfs because of the arcade experience that it offered. I'm not exactly into sim. when it comes to car racing games. So, if that's what they're planning to do from now onwards, I'm not really sure if I can keep up my love for it. :(

Crysis 2........ when will I play? Sighs.

Exams dou'n ya games complete karon. Hmph!

-

Jeeeez! (I just wanted to say that, lol) Rio is such a fun movie. 'Fun' doesn't even begin to define it.

*sings*  I wanna party... I wanna samba... I wanna party... *winks*

Okiethanksbye.

The drama, my love, never ends.

Not if you're in my shoes. *winks*

Any-the-ways.

What if someone tells you, right in your face, that they have a crush on you?

Chances are, around 50% or above, that they might as well be fooling around. (Well, because they are clowns after all.)

But, the odds are that they might just have said what they actually meant, coating it with humour so that if things got out of control they'd have a fire exit sort of emergency escape route and use humour/mischief as an alibi.

What do you do then? How do you make sure there is no such thing going on? 

*looks away*

*looks back again* 

What?! 

I'm just asking! Don't raise your eye-brow, for the love of God! I'm just curious. Hmph. 

Mein chala hon kion najaane
Kissi ajnabi ke peeche...

I just love Munni Begum's ghazals. Very much.

I think I just might be coming back to my senses...

Just a thought, but.

So, just to be clear on this- Dan and Blair were never meant for each other. It was just plain wishful thinking and that's all.

I'm still sad.

I've a history of shooing people away. I'm not just good at it, I'm marvelous. As gopher put it once, I'm so good I should get an award (Oscar) for it.

I repel. I'm horrible, and it makes me sad but I don't want to do anything about it. I don't want to change. I am what I am. Love me or leave me. There is no other option available. I won't give you a chance to love me, so you'll just have to stick with the second one. *frowns*

I need major pacification (if that is a word).

I feel so foolish.

Why can't I be a good person? The kind of person people adore.

I want to stop laughing, not even when we make people sit on leaves or when I make a fool out of gophers and steal phones from right beneath their noses. I don't want to laugh, no matter how funny things may be. I won't mind smiling though.

This is such an emo post. Yuck.

Z is the most awesome-st person on earth, God stopped manufacturing such creatures long ago.

I miss papa. He's at sea- again! Sighs. Godspeed, my beloved seaman.

G'night.

*tracing back her footsteps to sanity* It's going to be a wearing trip.

I'm sad- very sad.

:(

I think I'll just go hug my mommy.

Sighs.

Skidded off-road, have we?

I want to go back to the way I used to be.

Aloof. Disinterested. Indifferent.

Damnit. I don't like myself anymore, but then.... I don't remember liking myself- ever. Hah. *smirk*

Ik wird hai dam dam Ali Ali...

Steam rolling whatever I see... Huh, despicable me.

When I get angry. I get VERY angry. It's almost maddening. And when I that way, I don't want anyone to speak to me. I want everyone to shut up. Just do anything but don't talk to me when I go off at the deep end!

It's almost as if my anger is a dark force that dwells inside me, and all hell is on the brink of breaking loose when it's unleashed. It's frightening sometimes.

When I feel this demon coming out of its slumber, I fall silent. It's a creepy silence, I tell you. I don't speak to anyone. I'm quiet as a sea before a storm. I feel as if opening my mouth would allow this dark force to escape and devour everything around me.

Anyways.

Nose piercing, what d'ya say?

*smiles*

Do you have any idea, how much fun ciphering is? It's uber awesome!! *winks*

pharrell williams mp3s
Top MP3 downloads

I'm fine.

It's just the irony, that's killing me.... gently.

"Uh my type'd be the...... alone-in-the-corner sort..."

*chuckles on the inside*

Phunny stuph

I was just watching gossip girl (Yea cheesy, I know! I watch it some times- it's a guilty pleasure. =P) Anyways, so watching Dan and Blair in this particular episode (#16) from the latest season reminded me of... well... a couple of people.

The egotist snob and the witty-sarcastic smarty pants, lol. Sounds familiar, very familiar. *rofl*

Note: Just added another dream to my journal. *grins*

More grumblings...

I hate everyone.

I'm having a fun time and I want to share this with someone. But, no one's there. My friends (even my sisters) are too busy to lend an ear to my loco chronicles. Sighs. How many friends do I have anyways- FOUR! *Ok, you can stop staring now!* I know other people too!! *trying to defend myself* But I'd rather prefer them to be called 'acquaintances'. I'm sorry, I'm not very accepting.

Anyways so, I don't have anyone who'd listen to me. *long face*

I'm angry. But, I'm more sad than angry. And, I don't know, I don't want to talk to anyone. I feel very, very sad.

I called someone an '(uh-ga-lee) deh-cah-reh-shun peee-ee-sss' (jokingly, of course), but they were kinda mad at me for that. I didn't even realise they found it hurtful. Tsk. We're fine now, though.

I don't like it. I don't like anything.

Nobody wants to listen to me.

*walks out*

And there goes my bubble... POP!!!

I'm expecting too much out of my friends... No. No. It isn't their fault. It's mine. I'm the nincompoop. (Just felt like using that word, it sounds cool and then it's really long and then I've a thing for long words and.... Oh God! When? When will I ever stop diverging... Ugh.)

So yes, I'm the fool. What if I was there for her (always) when she needed a trash can to dump her anguish into, but she isn't? What then? Does it matter? Heck, no! It doesn't matter. It bloody does not!

I'm angry.

And I'm superfluous! (Don't stare. I just wanted to use that word.) But then well, on a second thought... May be, I am.

Newsflash: I don't even have real friends. The kind of friends that the poets and other idealogues babble about. I don't have any.

Just so that I'm clear on this...

When I said, at times no one will be around you when you need them the most. It was never implied that they won't be there because they aren't good enough. Or aren't sincere enough, so to speak. What I meant was, they won't be there because they cannot. (Some of them) would've if they could've. But they cannot.

And then may be, this was how it was to turn out. May be, your dear little fate wanted to see you face your troubles all by yourself. For better, or for worse.

*nuisance- interruptions* I'm NOT suicidal. I might just be homicidal, though. Hmph.

Lessons Learnt # 002

No matter how good your friends are, somehow none of them will be there with you when you need them the most.

I'm crazy. Are you?

I just knew I was crazy. What I didn't know was that I had a thing for craziness, and insanity. That's......... insane, right?

Oh my good Lord. Too many discoveries for a year that has just begun. Sighs.

I don't think I like twenty-eleven. It seems very naughty to me.

God save me. Please. Pretty please. *smiles*

Two beautiful paths that diverge- one is mine. The other, isn't.

I'm walking down a path that is ever so wonderful. With dainty flowers lined up by the sides. It's all so pleasant, so pretty.

However, there's a twist. And what would life be without its infamous twists and turns? So yes, there's a twist- A turn, actually. A wrong one.

I took a wrong turn. This lovely pathway that I'm treading upon, I'm not supposed to be here. No, sir.

The path, where I should be is beautiful too. Very, indeed. It's almost as lovely as this one. But...

But, this one has my favourite flowers.

*shrugs with a helpless smile*

I shall have to walk back, and I will. But won't it be sad journey, my friend?

I see you looking away, dear friend. Don't. You need not. Look me in my eyes, and tell me that all of this, doesn't matter. Tell me that with my gold fish memory (or worse), I won't be able to remember these sights for very long . It's just a matter of time. Tell me, I'm being silly. You know I won't mind. Because, that's true.

And, don't worry. I'm not sad. There's not even a single good reason to be sad about. You don't have to feel bad about me. Because, there's no good reason for that too.

Lessons Learnt # 001

'Somethings in life happen so late, they leave you rueful. And you wish futilely, had they never happened at all.'

Papa jani said 'yes'.

Why am I not happy? This was what I wanted.

What does my heart want? I thought this was it. But, is it?

What is this discontent, discomfort all about?

I shouldn't have allowed myself all this liberty. When and why did I ease my grip on my principles?

Will I ever forgive myself for this?

Kya yaaaar...

I thought I'd die but hey, what d'ya know- I didn't. Tough nut, huh. *shrugs*

Oh, I totally forgot to mention that I bunked work today. *rolls eyes* (For what, I wonder. Huh.) Anyways, so I'm sick of my work. This particular client, I mean. It's *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*. Yes, it's that bad!

Ok bye.

Yeh baazi ishq ki baazi hai...

Nerve-wrecking much?

*fingers crossed, praying under the breath*

Till then, I'd like to tell you that I've fallen in love... With this song, silly. =P A heart throbbing world cup song, after all those years. Ah, at last. Here:

Khe-Khe!

Image courtesy: Nandos (top), Lyceum fellow- KN (bottom)

"Nasruminallahe wa fatahun qareeb.."

I'm so bloody excited, my eyes are getting teary every now and then.

*utters in hushed tones* I think I'm going to die out of excitement today. 

*yells* Afridiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii bring the cup, man!!! I love thee so much. All of you!! 

*whispers under the breath* 

Allah saa'in please let my Pakistani team be triumphant. Ameen.

Are you ready?

The semi. *bites nails, fingers- eats herself*

My Green (little) men are taking the worldcup (inshaAllah). Yes sir, they are. Oh, yes. Just wait and watch.

P.S. I'm in love with this article I read today on one of the dawn blogs-  A touch of madness.

The nerve wrecking madness, it begins in T-minus 14 hours.

(Sheeet. A chill actually just ran down spine.) O_o I'm on the edge. But then, aren't we all? *smiles*

May Pakistan win this match and the finale. Ameen.

P.S. I have work tomorrow. These insensitive rascals, why don't they understand? Ugh.

P.P.S. My lasts few posts are not linked to each other in any way. Don't try and relate them with each other. Thank you.

Of cloudless climes and starry skies.

'Would you by any chance know, my love, what you and this night hold in common? It is but the exquisiteness, the glamour, the mystery, and most of all- the darkness, my precious.'

All I want to do is sit up, and stare into the darkness of the night. Feel the wind. Unleash my thoughts. Let them wander everywhere, anywhere.

 I just wish to stay up all night tonight and think. Think about... nothing. Think about everything.

'She walks in beauty, like the night

Of cloudless climes and starry skies..'

-- Lord Byron

The unravelling

I feel so sore. Everything and anything seems to succeed in making an impact, somehow.

I reckon there's only a little while left before I start disintegrating into tiny fragments. Fragments that shall be the telltales of my anguish, ambivalence, angst, and agony; my once-upon-a-time existence.

And she said...

It will be a tragedy, nonetheless my friend, if I lose you to these idle gossips, that are nothing but a second-rate product of small minds.

It will be a sad end for something that hasn't even started yet.

Disbelief

The moments when your heart contracts with a momentary but excruciating twinge, yet somehow, your lips curve into a smile- thoughtlessly.

Perhaps your senses go a little berserk, and forget their instinctive response.

Or perhaps, it's mere... Disbelief.

Time and time again...

Words fail me... Or not, perhaps.

May be I fail them?

I fail them.

Take me away... farthest away. *smiles*

Pocketful of sunshine

This MP3 was found at Dilandau MP3

Thy beauty, is an evil spirit, my love.

They said you are beautiful, strikingly.

But you replied them not with gratefulness. Instead, a voice rose from within you; with an undertone of repugnance. And, all you wanted to do was... scratch your face and make it bleed. 

*winks*

My sister thinks.... I'm going to fall in love.

*agitated sigh*

Oh God no! Please, no! Not me! Not me! Not me too! Damnit.

*runs amuk*

Will you...

...miss me?

I don't want to go to work today.

Mummmmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy........!!!

*frowns*

I had a weird dream. Gopher was in it too, along with a few other people. And, we were on a beautiful island and.... Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! It's 8:28. *run for your lives*

*drops the drama* Gotta rush- okay bye!

How can aussies be represented by an animal as innocent-looking as a kangroo?

Hehe.

Haye Allah! Its so cute.

The glee after Pakistan nails a match. We are cicket fanatics, no.

Oh I love my team. And trust me when I say this, I'm one fan who loves them despite their inconsistencies, failures, and all that jazz. Yes, galiyan khatay hain mere se bhi. Ab itna tou haq banta hai yaar. Itna tou they owe it to me yaaar!! *winks*

So, yes. I didn't come here to express my delight on the victory. I just came here to say that- Lee is a jerk, and I hate him.

Haye Allaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I wanna jump up and down ke in gadhon ko hara diya!!!! Ullu kahin ke! Sumujhtey kya hain apne aap ko! Snobs! I hate them. I hate them. I hate them infinitetely!

*relieved sigh*

P.S. *wonders to herself* what was this post doing in the drafts. Hmm?

I'm tired. Sighs. I am.

*faint smile*

Like a clumsy silk worm, I'll smother myself by spinning my thread around my own self. *smirks*

Don't be sad. You can have my silk threads after I'm gone.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! England wins. Bleh.

What we call love, is a very stupid thing, y'know.

I loved you when you were little. Weak. Alone. I stood by you, when everyone else thought you were at fault. And well, they used to be right. But I just hated it when someone scolded you.

I was your shield.

Yes, I had to hear things for saving you even when you were wrong, even when you rightly deserved a good scolding. But it didn't matter. It didn't matter to me. Because I loved you. I fought for you. For all the wrong reasons, I know. You were never right. You were a brat. But it still didn't matter.

And now... *weary smile* You don't remember any of it, do you? Guess you were too young to notice.

It hurts a bit, but hey, I'm alright! *smiles*

Sighs.

Wild horses

Enough is enough. I need to work on myself. 

Wishes are wild horses, but they need to be reined in this time.

Oh brother!

Me: I actually used to beat him up.

Gopher: How did you beat him?

Me: I used to kick him, bite him, hit him, punch him...

Gopher: *confused pause* Is he your real brother...?

Me: *rofl*

Why art thou sleeves stained red?

Trust is an amazing thing. You either have it or you don't. There's no third form.

They broke you, didn't they?

But it was for love and love only, my dear. They loved you-  and they wanted you. So badly. Therefore, they had to, my love.  They had to cut you. Cut you into a hundred little pieces so that they could have you to themselves only. And now, each one of them has an equally divided number- of your remains.

Do not misjudge, precious. It was but, for love only.

Un-amusing musings

I hate how SMAAK sends me crazily hilarious sort of text messages but never replies to my replies. Grrr....

So anyways, I'm here to report a slight modification. Okay 'slight' is an under-under-under-statement.

I don't love the people I once used to, anymore. I mean not with the same fervor.

I like different people now. There's a whole lot of other people now who make me smile or laugh (in a very embarrassing way).

The old ones, I never thought I would stop loving them. I don't even think I have stopped. But, I'm afraid. What if this is a beginning- of an end?

My life works on the 'ceteris paribus' clause. All other things have to remain the same. They cannot change.

I've actually been running away from the old ones. I now see how unfair and incorrect they've been and somehow I don't find myself able to tolerate that anymore.

The blindfold- unfolds.

P.S. I wonder where anonymous is, these days?

Chutti. Ha-ha.

Following are some of the nicknames that I have earned myself (to date):

1- wuk-thee
2- thakoraa'in
3- num num
4- KC

Bas baqi I cannot reveal because they'll give my name away. =P

Good Morning.

Sweet berries ready for two ghosts're no different that you

Ghosts are now waiting for you.... 

O_o .... LOL

Okay something freakishly hilarious is happening. Blogger's feedjit gadget thinks I'm in Larkana. I visited a few blogs and that's where it is showing me from. Feedjit is going looney.

It's hilarious because... well, it is. It's an inside joke. Hehe.

And my axis skewed...

I've become a whiner, and please don't tell me how great a thing whining is, 'cause it's not.

Pa jani scolded me yesterday. A good scolding, it certainly was. He actually shouted at me. But, what amazed me was the fact that while he shouted at me not a single drop of tear rolled down my cheek. Neither did it quiver on my lashes. My eyes were dry. However, I wept later on.

I think I know why. It took a little while to penetrate. It took a little while to process things. It took a little whole to register. The immediate reaction was disbelief. And the pain registered only when my senses restored and clearly reckoned what had just happened.

He was really angry at me. And, it was my fault.

Apologizing is a horrific task, you must agree. It takes a lot of courage. Even if it's your own father in question. It's an ordeal in itself. The mere prospect that your apology may not be accepted makes your heart sink. You wonder if you should go through all the trouble of  screwing up your courage and trampling your ego only to face rejection.

He didn't answer me the first time I said 'sorry'. It shattered my heart into a trillion pieces. He just walked out on me. He returned in the afternoon and I had to apologize because it was killing me. He was dining, I went up to him again, said the same little pathetic word, and expected the same icy response. Something inside me was stabbing me. There was no reaction, yet again. My face went all red and my eyes found themselves unable to hold back any longer. My grip on the chair's back grew tighter. All I could manage to say was a meek 'sorry'. This time he heard.

He looked up and hugged me, resting his cheek on mine. And that was it for me. I broke into sobs.

I'm a very bad person.

How convenient!

We say things. And then we say 'just kidding'.

So what if I'm awful at cs?

How about you start playing games without the freaking 'cheatbook' or the goddamn trainers?

I have a 'new' crush. And, again.

You listen to Black-eyed Peas and I listen to Abida Parveen, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan (and the sorts).

This is trouble.

Trouble. Trouble. Trouble, I tell you.

I've lost the count for my crushes. Lovely.

Tomorrow is a chutti. Haye! I'm so happy.

I'm changing. As in, I'm not the same. Tsk. Damn!

Did I tell you I passed the God forsaken exam that I flunked in last time? I did. I passed. Oh dear God. Isn't it delightful?

Shig says I should stop acting like someone from shakespeare's family. Hehe. It's got something to do with the way that I speak/write/text/etc.

oh dear GOD!

Seven posts for Feburary! Oh no no! That's bad. And sad.

I'm sad.

But..... Baby you're a fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirework. Hehe. What I can't listen to Ms. Perry? Kya yaar? Give me a break, for God's sake.

*smiles*

AyiipeeyayeeyayAyiipeeyayeyoo!

"Tears popping out of eyes". That must be sight worth seeing. Haha.

Loser. What compels you to speak a language you are so pathetic in. I can only wonder. (Not that I created the language but hey! You are beyond hope.)


Haye! I'm so rude. Allah maafi!

I have no clue why and how do people tolerate me? My tantrums are so bloody inexplicable. Iring, I tell you. And yet, it seems to bother nobody. Not really, I mean.

Kisi din jootay paraingay mujhey yaqeenan, aur woh bhi sab mil kar maraingay! *besharmo wali grin*

And as for you precious, you are smothering me. Let me breathe- for Heaven's sake. Jaan leni hai kya? HUH!

Bye bye evdo. Hello ptcl. Hence, hellooo multiplayer!!! *grins*

I need space.

Have you played dead space? Yuck. Doom 3? Yuck yuck. Half-life? Yuck yuck yuck^infinity!

Shoo now. Do some work. Stop reading other people's blogs.

Hehe.

I am nuts.

Muskarao mat.

So are you!