Musings Today

Sighs.
I fail miserably, everytime- in my attempt to see, if life's failing me, or if I'm failing it.
Either way, I'm miserable.
I feel like setting fire to things, n watch them burn, silently.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

Hussain(AS) likhna

Khuloos-e-dil ki roshnaee lay ker

Ba-deed-e-ter Hussain likhna

Tum aisa karna kitab-e-dil ke

Warq warq per Hussain likhna

Kasheed ker gulab ka arq

Fiza main peham charrak'na usko

Phir in sunehri fiza'oun per tum

Roshni ka paiker Hussain likhna

Azaan daingi tumhari aankhain

Namaz misray adaa karay gi

Tum aisa karna ke raah-e-Haq main

Hussain perh ker Hussain likhna

Haroof khushboo k phool bun ker

Tumharay seenay main khil uthaingay

Tum aisa karna k apni aankhon

Aur aapne lub per Hussain likhna

Tumharay tareek manzar'oun main

Ujalay phootaingay noor bun ker

Tum aisa karna k apnay ghar main

Darood parh ker Hussain likhna

Hussain likh ker phir usko likhna

Phir isko likh ker tum aisa karna

Ke aaj tak jo bhi likha ho

Tum uska mehwar Hussain likhna

Wo barchiyaa'n wo chamktay khanjer

Wo taptay sehra pukarty hain

Tum aisa kerna ke Karbala ke

Badan pe ja ker Hussain likhna

Ager kitabat ka shouq ho to

Kitab-e-sabr-o-raza main Rahat

Jahan shaheedou'n ka naam likhna

Tou sub se oper Hussain likhna

-Syed Rahat Hussain Rahat

Tangy nights

Here's how a midnight craving for tang goes by:

Me: Ooh i had to make you tang, din mein right?
S: Yes, you did. *frowns*
Me: Koi aur tang piye ga?
Others: *shake head*
Me: *making tang*
Me: *spots a baby roachie in the glass i had reserved for S*
Me: *brainstorming, dosra tang banaon, yahi de deti hon, ussay thori pata chalay ga, but that would be unethical, kya karoun, but then yeh zaya hojayega, pura glasss...*
Me: S... woh tumharay glass mein baby coakroach nikla pata nahin kahan se, just when i poured in the water.
S: Tou apna mujhe dedou, tum le lou cockroach wala.
Me: Magar woh tumhara glass tha.
S: Kya matlab mera glass tha, naam tou nahin likha hota.
Me: No, but i decided that was going to be yours and and this was to be mine.
S: Koi baat nahin, tum le lou, dosra mujhe dedo.
S: ... Acha dedou!
Me: *grins* Mein dosra banadoun if you don't want to drink it. *hopes to the core of the heart she says no, all hail laziness*
S: Koi baat nahin.
Me: Waise just so you don't feel bad, i took the roachie out with the spoon and then stirred my tang with the same spoon on purpose. So, that sirf tumhara tang roach wala na ho.
S: *gives a weird look, and a smile doubting my mental health*
Me: *grins*

'America he chhor aati  aap issay!'

Kuch alfaaz bazahir itne azaarda nahin maloom hotay, magar qabr ka haal tou murda he janta hai na.

*smiles*

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

Metamorphosis

Aksar mehaz eik lehza he darkaar hota hai, mehaz eik lehza, barsoun puraane khuloos aur muhabbat ko nafrat mein badalane ke liye.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

Unreasonable reasoning

Only if you could truly recollect and realise how little time we have- I have...
Perhaps then only you might have discovered reason underlining my unreasonableness.

Introspect

Main tujhay chahta nahi laikin

phir bhi jab paas tu nahi hoti

khud ko kitna udaas pata hoon

gom say apnay hawaas pata hoon

janay kya dhun samai rehti hai

ik khamoshi si chai rehti hai

dil say bhi guftagu nahi hoti

Main tujhay chahta nahi laikin

phir bhi reh reh kay meray kanon mein

goonjti hai teri haseen aawaz

jaisay na-deeda koi bajta saaz

har sada nagawar hoti hai

dil ki dharkan bhi baar hoti hai

in sukoot-ashna taranon mein

Main tujhay chahta nahi laikin

phir bhi shab ki taweel khilwat mein

teray awqaat sochta hoon main

teri har baat sochta hoon main

kon say phool tujh ko bhaatay hain

rang kya kya pasand aatay hain

kho saa jata hoon teri jannat mein

Main tujhay chahta nahi laikin

phir bhi ehsaas say nijaat nahi

sochta hoon to ranj hota hai

dil ko jaisay koi dubota hai

jis ko itna sarahta hoon main

jis ko iss darjaa chahta hoon main

us mein teri si koi baat nahi

- Janisar Akhtar

Shayed hadd-e-aflaak ke uss paar bhi mein tha..

Loogon Ke Lye Saahib-e-Kirdaar Bhi Mein Tha
Khud Apni Nigaahon Mein Gunaahgaar Bhi Mein Tha
Kiun Ab Mere Mansab Ki Salaami Ko Kharay Ho ?
Yaaro Kubhi Ruswa Sar-e-Baazaar Bhi Mein Tha
Mein Khud Hee Chhupa Tha Qaf-e-Qaatil Ki Shikan Mein
Maqtool Ki Tooti Howi Talwaar Bhi Mein Tha
Chheentay Hain Jahan Ab Mere Maasoom Lahoo Ke
Uss Farq-e-Falak-Naaz Ki Dastaar Bhi Mein Tha
Meri Hee Sadaa Lout Ke Aayi Hai Mujhi Tak
Shayad Had-e-Aflaak Ke Uss Paar Bhi Mein Tha
Manzil Pe Jo Pohancha Hun Tou Maaloom Howa Hai !
Khud Apnay Lye Raah Ki Deewaar Bhi Mein Tha
Ab Mere Taaruf Se Guraiza Hai Tu Laikin
Kal Tak Teri Pehchaan Ki Mayaar Bhi Mein Tha
Dekha Tou Mein Afshaa Tha Har Ik Zehen Pe Mohsin
Socha Tou Pas-e-Parda Israar Bhi Mein Tha

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

Ridic-culous!

I'm so bloody demanding.

Such gigantic attention seeker.

Pfft. I'm ridiculous.

From me.

"It looks like you need saving."

I can't say if I need saving, but you certainly do.

I need to save you- from myself.

I'm a time-bomb, and the clock's ticking. I need to get you as far as will be safe, from this explosive device.

I, on the other hand, cannot be saved. I'm a time-bomb after all, which has to but detonate. It's only fair.

Peaches

'I feel like peaches today.'
'And I feel like eating peaches.'
*A flustered look*
*A naive grin*

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

Status 101- as at date.

Gratuitous, dispensable, inessential, needless, inessential, un-called for, nonessential, unwarranted.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

A speck

How tiny are you, my precious? How miniscule?

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

*

Sad endings aren't so bad, I believe.

They can be comforting- some sort of a twisted consolation, perhaps.

They emphasize, in a very subtle manner, how tragedies are not such novel or unprecedented events.

Churra lo haath tou jaanain...

Woh waadi jis jagah tum ho,
Woh mere dil k andar hai-
Tumhara ab juda hona,
Tumharay bas se bahar hai.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

Dilemma

Kya humein dar apne se qareeb logoun ka dil torrnay ka hai, ya phir apne usooloun aur ana ke aaleeshan mujasmay...

All in a day's work no. 236

I, Gandhi, and Gopher busy neck deep in work.... Gandhi, in the meanwhile, also busy making absurdly cartoonish noises... Pauses for sec.
Gandhi:
'AH agar mein zyada annoying hone lagoun, I mean if you can't tolerate me anymore tou you can...
Me:
'Tou mein tumhein eik thapar maar doungee, tum fikr mat karo'
Gandhi, Gopher pause for a nanosec before going into a fit of laughter...
Gopher:
'oh boy!'
I join the fit too.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

Yeh lamha...

'Aankhon mein rehta hai
Dil he mein behta hai
Kaccha sa ek khwaab hai...
Lagta sawaal hai
Shayad jawaab hai
Dil phir bhi betaab hai...
Yeh sukoo'n hai tou hai
Yeh junoo'n hai tou hai
Khoobsurat hai, jee lene de...
Yeh lamha, filhaal jee lene de.'

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

Tu samundar, mein bhatki hui piyaas hon...

'Why?'

'... Because, you- are my birdie...!'

Itni jagah kahan hai....

Lagta nahin hai ji mera ujrray dyaar mein
Kis ki bani hai aalam-e-napa'edaar mein

Bulbul ko paasbaan se na siyaad se gila
Kismat mein qaid thi likhi fasl-e-bahaar mein

Keh dou yeh hasratoun se kaheen aur ja basain
Itni jagah kahan hai dil-e-daaghdaar mein

Bay-asbaat

Kis ko fursat ke mujhse behas karay

Aur saabit karay ke mera wujood...

Zindagi ke liye zaroori hai.

Dil ki taskee'n ka poochte hain aap?
Haan meri jaa'n, hogai hogi...

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

Hello there, she said.

So.... yeah.
*awkward pause*

Lol. I feel like a person amidst unfamiliar associates, or rather associates one meets up with after eons.

Well, life's the usual. One track. The track that I'm walking on despite being aware that it's the wrong track.

There used to be moments while playing NFS, when my ride used to drift 180 degrees (intentionally, or not sometimes), and then instead of turning and setting my ride in the right direction I would rather continue driving the wrong way- on purpose that is! With a continuous and annoying warning blinking in front of me, telling me that I am going in the wrong direction- The notification would blink in complete vain though. I didn't care.

There's a warning flashing in front of me now as well. A very close, a very similar warning. My reaction to it...? Exactly the same as always.

It was a not-so-good day today. I don't like being misunderstood.

I don't know what would've upset me more- being caught in a cross fire between the venting out of pent up rage, or knowing that the pent up rage was partly because of me. However, why does it matter. I came across both anyways, for all the wrong reasons nevertheless.

When you esteem people, you give them a license allowing them the ability to upset you.

At times, we end up being the most clumsy only when we are being extra careful.

At times, you try so bloody hard not to upset others, not just by your own actions but you also try to keep them from all possible things that might upset them. But then, you still end up upsetting them- and that too by your very own actions only. You might not be at fault. It might just be a mere misunderstanding. Nevertheless, they still end up upset. And then, you end up upset. And then, everything else ends up upset. And then, everybody lives happily ever after, not.

*deep breath*

Blogging has become synonymous with whining for me, it appears. All I do is express my anguish and despair. It's so heavy, the atmospheric pressure around my blog, lol. As I just mentioned it a while back to a friend, how I've started boring myself. Don't people have enough troubles in their own lives to rather read about someone else's whines, rants and ramblings. I, myself, don't watch depressing or heavy movies solely for the reason that I have enough practical bird-poo in my life to deal with, why would I want to watch the same thing in the movies.

However, this post.... *smiles* this goes out to my frien(d)zy!

Over and out.

This post chose not to have a title.

Aap udaas hona tou tarkk nahin karsakte, ke shayad aapke ikhtiyaar mein nahin. Magar haan... Agar aapki udaasi kissi aur ke ranj ka baa'is bun rahi hai tou aap apni udaasi ka izhaar karna zaroor tarkk karsakte hain.

And with that, I shall rest my case now.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Kuch khusbu'ain, kuch aarzoo'ain

Har baar tujh se milte waqt

Tujh se milne ki aarzoo ki hai

Tere jaanay ke baad bhi meine

Teri khushbu se guftugu ki hai

Adjectives

Lonely.

Tired.

Sick.

Yupe, that pretty much describes me for now.

*a sad facepalm*

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

If truth be told..

Looking at you today... I just re-realised what I'm going to part with... I reckoned my loss, and the gravity of it all, once again.

And all of it made me sad, sad to my deepest core, my friend- amidst all that laughter and frivol. The vapid smiles that I kept managing, I had to try very hard for them, very hard, you must believe me.

There are moments, during the darkest of despair, when I want to ask the 'whys', but then again I  realize that I retain no such right. So, I just look down at my feet and kick off some dirt listlessly.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Of Birdiees and Sugar Rushes...

'Awwww meri poor birdieeee.. =('

*bats eye lashes like a 3 year old staring at some shiny sparkly stuff*

.... O bloody hell!

*dies of a blissful sugar rush, with an ear to ear grin*

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

And a part of me died last night.

'Are we on the same page?'

'I can't say...'

'If we are on the same page, it'd be very scary... spooky.'

.....

'I think we are on the same page...'

-

How I wish we weren't.- or at least that you weren't on the page that I was on.

And my words left me then...

"What have we done, AH...? What have we done..."

"..........."

"What should we do now...?"

"..........."

Art movie

'Tum tou art movie bungai ho bilkul.'

'... Art movie? Kya matlab?'

'Haan, art movie- bohat he serious aur sober...'

'Achi baat hai.'

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Hisaab kitaab

Kar raha tha gham-e-jahaa'n ka hisaab

Aaj tum yaad be-hisaab aaye

...

Subha subha 'nuskha haye wafa' kaun utha ker baith jata hai yaar... *argues with self*

Glum chum, I shall be now. Hmph. Sighs.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Shan-e-bint-e-Rasool (saww)

Bibi(SA) teri jageer hai jannat bhi, Fidak bhi,

Yeh jabl, yeh ashjaar, yeh paani, yeh falak bhi,

Bibi tere haq mehr mein shaamil hai namak bhi,

Bus teri zameeno'n pe bassi jaati hai duniya,

Sadiyou'n se faqat tera namak khaati hai duniya.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Something about the not-so-good byes

Just received a call from Sloth...

Sloth called in to inform me that I... I am terrible with goodbyes. Lol.

Not that I wasn't aware of it. I know I am terrible terrible with goodbyes.

I just can't let go.

'I had an epiphany last night...'


'Here's the thing... You're fine with hi's and hello's... but goodbyes... you're terrible with them.'


'May be becuase goodbyes aren't as much fun as hi's and hellos!'


'Of course, they aren't. That's the natural course of hi's and hellos and byes'


'So i guess, you cannot blame people for being upset on that.'


'Darr lagta hai mujhey tumhe bye karte ho, depression mein daal deti ho mujhey...'


'May be because I plunge into the depression zone myself, and then I rub on to you...'


'It's like... hi's are normal and then when it's time for bye... you say, 'bye!' (vapidly).... and then you just die...'


-

So, I guess my emotional intelligence plunges to zero when it comes to goodbyes. Hm.

If my memory serves me right..

There used to be a tree.

Tall and beautiful. Lush and fragrant. It stood there, in that soil. With such remarkable majesty. Evergreen, t'was- never saw it shedding leaves, no sir. I never witnessed such a thing happening. The winds swirled around it like a silly lad head over heels in love. The rays of sun shined each day to caress its magnificence.

The tree, that survived the toughest of times; endured the harshest of seasons, the cruelest of storms.

Where is it now? Whatever happened, pray tell me?

The twinges portrayed in the tone of the query had it all, anxiety, inquisitiveness, apprehension, concern; everything.

A courteous, yet vapid smile crawled across your lips as you tried to recollect the past.

The sediments of bitterness were stirred to an abrupt awakening, and went berserk.

The tree... is no more.

You wished to your heart's core that your reply be adequate to satisfy the curiosity. However, the rather perplexed set of eyes before you depicted everything, save satisfaction.

A silent sigh escaped your lips, as you shook your head slightly.

The tree, you speak of my friend, happened to nest minuscule specks on its magnificent branches, which turned out to be some kind of seeds. Seeds that the naive winds brought along with them. Or perhaps, it was some of those wonderful birds that used to add a vibrant grandeur to that natural structure. I cannot say, for I was heedless in a certain manner. Too much bliss- it does that to you sometimes. 

I cannot say when they came, or where from. I cannot say how long they had been there. I only saw them when they showed themselves to me- and by then it was a little too late.

I became aware of their existence, only when they grew roots extending down from the branches. It was astonishing, or so I thought. I had never seen such a phenomenon before. They started growing aerial roots which twirled and twined around the trunk. 

I am afraid, I was ignorant and naive. I could not foresee. I did not see it coming. They were benign little seeds after all, that were to grow into benign creepers or vines perhaps. I did not know. I did not know what fate had in store.

The roots they coiled all around the tree. They grew; and they grew stronger and stronger, until they ended up strangling it. They killed my tree. 

What I perceived to be a harmless, if not mutually beneficial symbiosis turned out to be a figment of my foolish imagination, an illusion. An illusion that took away from me, for eternity, something that I cherished- rather, one of the only things I ever cherished. 

Those parasites...

The voice quavered, as if with overwhelmed emotions and a brief pause followed.

The words that followed were more nonchalant, and the tone firmer.

The tall, magnificent tree that you ask of, my friend, isn't here anymore. 

It's a memory now- A memory that, I am afraid, is fading away faster than I expected it to.

Silly Saturday

Well, I guess the Ice Age cannot really guarantee a lasting good time... the affect wore off.

It's not the movie's fault really. Those crazy animals sort of are rendered helpless if a person wants to feel nostalgic on his/her own accord.

I thought perhaps this weekend won't be like the usual. But yeah-  I was wrong!

I hate weekends.

I really do.

May be I should plan my weekends ahead, and have a huge to do list, so that I don't have time for introspect and all that silly jazz.

Just can't let go. I don't know what am I upto. Nobody knows.

I wish could bury my head in the sand for a very very very long time, and just stay like that.

Submitted my (temporary) escape application last week. I hope I get it. In desperate need to enlarge the circle I've been running in.

How do I love thee...

Let me count the ways, O Ice Age!

*chuckles*

I think I can relate to Diego. *grins*

'You did it, buddy, you kicked water's butt!'
'Nothing to it. Most animals can swim as babies, you know.'
'Yeah... but not tigers. I left that part out.'

TGIF

Notwithstanding, my new found hatred for weekends...

...Thank God!!

Showers

I don't like taking

Err... Yes, so I was saying, I don't like taking showers, and absolutely hate early morning showers. I also don't like cold showers.

But then I think today is an exception, I suppose. I took a cold shower early in the morning.... And it seems it washed away all the glum. For now at least, lol.

P.S. Yes, I was total glum when I woke up.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Treacly twinges of bliss

'... Promise me (...), promise me that...'


*shakes head*

I'm keeping my side of the promise... I don't know why, but I am.

May be it was that intense tone. There was desperation, concern, and a few other things may be, I don't know. Whatever it was, it was beautiful.

I know it was a mundane request, but I'm keeping up to it. I know it doesn't really matter whether I did keep it or not, as I already said, it was casual request after all. Whatever it was, you put up a good show- it left me wanting to abide by your request.

Until next time

Why is it so bloody hard to let go, everytime- every single time?

I don't like good-byes.

I hate good-byes.

I know byes are only until next time, but... what if there is no next time? Who knows?

I don't want to spend my life under the shade of the bloody 'you never know' tree!

I'm so horrible with byes, even if merely until the next day. I just don't seem to be able to let go.

*agitated*

I don't care how many muscles frowning takes.

Why won't anyone ask me why I'm sad?

*hmph*

=(

Kissi ke paas waqt nahin hai ke koi mujhse kuch poochay, meri berabt baatain sunne, mujhe kuch sumjhaye. Kissi ke paas bhi.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Kya karoun...?

Bohat thhak gayee hon mein.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

I wish there wouldn't have been any special hurry...

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.

--Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

The last unicorn is dead

Her tiny little palm rested on the cold spotless glass window, her fingers tapping to a tune inside her head.

Her head tilted from one side, to the other slowly, giving away her excitement and eagerness to get her eyes on everything possible. The sparkle in her eyes got brighter, until it turned into a twinkle. The head stopped oscillating from left to right, and now was tilted sideways on the right.

The mischief filled brown eyes had spotted something, perhaps. The pupils were glued on to something on the other side of the glass now.

And in that moment, the fingers stopped tapping, breathing was put on hold, the world ceased to exist, and the earth stood still.

That very brief moment, something sparkled in the pair of those naive eyes. A smiled crept across the cherry lips, very slowly. A dimple dug a dent in the rosy cheeks.

The preciousness of the expression was something beyond words, something right out of a fantasy.

But a brief moment it was, nevertheless.

A brief moment, before the stilled lashes quivered slightly, and the smile crept away as slowly as it came. The head was straight up now.

Her chubby little hand reached out for the little blue pocket on her yellow dress, her eyes still glued. Something clinked, before she drew a clenched fist back out. The gaze was broken as the eyes lowered  to stare at the florid palm stretched out, revealing a few randomly placed metal pieces- almost worthless.

She raised her head once again, and looked across the pane; the twinkle gone. The brown little eyes took a last good look, before letting out a muted sigh.

The gaze lowered to the palm again, and a bruised smile flickered for a split second only. The ruddy palm tilted sideways, followed by loud clinks as the metal touched the pavement.

Falling apart

Bit
by
bit...

Iztaraab

And here I am... again- in desperate need of someone, anyone.

*shakes head in disappointment*

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Umr kaise kattay gee Saif yahan
Raat kat'ti nazar nahin aati

Word of the day

Suffocation.

Of solitude and night skies...

As soothing as solitude may be, at times you do need someone to be with you, around you, just be there in any random sort of way.

They don't have to lend an ear to you, or a shoulder for that matter. They merely need to be there with you.

But at times like those, something or the other happens, and you end up being at the mercy of your own self.

It's not necessarily the people who are to be blamed really; most of the times, it's just the same ol' silly life being it's usual ironic self.

I don't want to be alone right now. But, I want a lot of other things as well, the odds of which occurring are equal to that of walking on the water.

There are times when you do not want to be left alone with your own self, because you're scared- of your very own self.

That might sound absurd, but believe you me, it is not even close.

So, for tonight I am pretty much solitary.

Everybody at home is deep under slumber's spell. Gruph, I talked with. Sheeday, will call tomorrow. Z had to call, didn't. Sloth, is off grid.

So, I guess it's me, music, and the night sky once again- old friends.

*speaks to the birdie ruffling its scruff*

What's wrong silly little birdie? Why won't you go to sleep? C'mon now, go to sleep. You'll be alright, little fuzzball.

-

Kya koi dua aisi bhi hosakti hai jis ke liye haath uthanay ki ijazat aapka dil shadeed khuwahish ke bawujood bhi na de sakay?

-

May you rest in peace, and may your families have the strength to endure such great loss. Ameen. - (In the name of the crash victims.)

Distractions

Dear Gruph,

I am sorry. I called you not because I missed you. Neither because I wanted to talk to you. Nor because I wanted to listen to you. I was not interested in what has been going on in your life, or what hasn't. As far as I am concerned, the absence of your calls and messages is adequate an indicator to imply everything is fine on your side.

I only called you up because... I wanted you to speak... so that your voice would subdue the hushed noises in my head. The haunting whispers, I wanted to shut them out, and I guess I needed your help with that.

My silence and solitude just happened to be aggravating the situation exponentially. I needed to distract my self, and you were an apt distraction, my friend.

I needed someone who'd talk and go on talking, without noticing my silence.

I am very sorry, because I feel guilty about it. I feel bad. But, I needed you, even if very ignobly.

Love,

Ann.

Not a great start for a weekend, is it now?

'You're losing points for this, you know... this tanziya mizaaj of yours...'

I never professed being a nice person really. I know how non-nice I am. But anyhow, better late than never. I'm glad you've started noticing. And this might just be the beginning... *smiles*

*whispers to herself* I wish you weren't so awful, love. *sighs with a faint smile*

Tsk.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Past midnight blabber

Where to my precious?

That's wrong way for you, that too on a one way street.

Of white canvases and paints...

I'm making a painting in oil.... That too after eons.

I feel a little creaky and rustish though, but anyways...... *excited*

Here's a WIP snapshot...

P.S. Oil paints are such a pain when it comes to drying.... *sighs*

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Jedha vi tere dar te aye, o na kadi vi khaali jaye...

Shanaa'n uchiyaa'n teriyaa'n peeraa'n
Hovanr duur haneriyaa'n peeraa'n
Aasaa'n hain batheriyaa'n peeraa'n
Sun arzaa'n ajj meriyaa'n peeraa'n

Fragile, are we?

There rises an emotional surge or an uprising of a sort, to cave in sometimes, cave in to any and everything.

Sometimes- when you're walking on the edge; when you're a little too brittle on the inside.

When somewhere inside you a meek voice raises its head telling you that you cannot take it any longer.

When all your retaliations and rebellions switch to hibernation mode, and you are left with an odd self-defense mechanism- silence, surrender. And you look at yourself in the mirror in your head with a smirking awe; you never knew you had that potential in you, did you now?

Tsk.

It's just sad- so sad, when you realise that your absence isn't as saddening as you supposed it would be...

Of escapes, and reality checks

These past few days, in particular, it's almost as if I've been oscillating between two parallel universes; work and home.

To work, a brief escape from reality; and then back home, to the grim remembrance of a loss.

Dilemma- one of the many

At times, I actually feel the non-existence of a confidant in my life.

Someone, who isn't just willing to hear me out; but also whom I'm willing to confide in.

Finding the former isn't much of an ordeal; it's the latter that gives me a hard time really.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Life; a means to an end...

Well, quiet literally.

I cannot recollect seeing him this tired, this exhausted before.

His eyes, so woeful; his smile, so broken.

...

Papa jaani, it is going to be alright. Time heals all hearts that bleed.

The Whos in her head

'Nahi sunu, it can go like this... ensure remediation of identified gaps and consequent updation of process and control documentation to ensure inclusion of new controls and proces...'

*interrupts the bullet train of presumed smartness with an air of grandiose indifference and inattention*

'You know, right now- in my head there are tiny people who live on a speck, from Whoville- and they are jumping everywhere inside my head.'

*utter shock of disbelief*

*gathers composure and speaks with words facepalimg themselves over and over again in incredulous ridicule*

'In my head, there was a train, jo ke ulatne wali thi but then you happened and said no no, abhi nahi... agay eik pole araha hai... ussey takra jao...!!' 

*straight outrageous fits of laughter for the next 4 minutes, followed by broken bits of chuckles*

Of swamps and hearts

The roots are spreading themselves into an intricate mesh, and holding more ground than ever. They are all over the place- weakening the very foundations of all the edifices that you once built so dearly.

What are you going to do with this poison tree that has grown in the murky swamps of your heart?

Like it used to

Waiting for that one day when all of this would actually tickle me in my guts and spread a smile across my lips which I'll try uselessly to conceal.

Respite

You are the brief warm ray of sunshine on a cold cloudy day.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

I need air... lots of fresh air.

'You should've went out for lunch- Do you want me to set you up for breakfast with gruphy?'

'Nooo! I don't want to go anywhere!' *almost yells*

'Do you want to go the outer space?' *looks intently*

'Yes! And never come back!' *traces of smile*

'How much do you like it guppy, the solitude?'

'A lot! It's amazing.'

.....

'Everything's going to be okay in the end. That's how it works- all the time.'

'Everything's going to be okay?! That's a huge claim, you know.' *smirks*

'That's how it is.'

'Theoretically, yes.'

'Theoretically, practically, actually, eventually, yes.'

*smiles faintly*

The sloppy sloth-y shrink

The sloth-y shrink lowered its specs until they nestled comfortably on the tip of its nose, and continued with a tone similar to that of a very wise wizard, 'And yes, try to smell less nice...'

The attentive patient tried to register the valuable piece of advice, however failing wonderfully at that... couldn't help but respond with an awkward gape followed by a distinct, however confused- 'huh?'

-

Ah, oh well!

I feel lackadaisical. Such a fun word it is, don't you agree?

You do?

Great.

That ends the conversation then.

Have a very good evening.

*sighs lackadaisically*

Strawberry-esque

Sloth: Kya matlab, tumhe waqai nahi mila, sara woh kha gai, seriously?

Me: *nods with a sad face*

Sloth: *surprised* Acha chalo at least you got the milk, how was the milk?

Me: Strawberry flavoured.

Sloth: ...

Me: We have to avoid the use of adjectives, remember!

Sloth: *rofl* I didn't see that coming! That was a good one.

Me: *grins and thinks to herself* I can be funny on an empty stomach.

(After a training on Business Report Writing by Shah Sahib which was of course successfully sabotaged by Renegade, and consequently went on for almost 3 hours.)

Jo mere naseeb ke harf thay...

'You're, on record, the most headstrong woman I've ever met. I find it hard to believe how you can give in to fate so easily...', with a tinge of dramatic anxiety, he said.

A subtle smile crossed her lips.

'That's where the life's irony plays its part', she said in a tone enveloped by cold neutrality.

Of life and its ironies...

So... Where are people when you really need them?

Deliberate blindness

Why won't they see me as I am? Why can't they see me as I see myself? If only they'd see me from the same lens as I do, they'd hate me as much.

I'm an awful person- wish you'd see things as they are.

Kab tak sunay gi raat, kahan tak sunaayn hum

I, hereby, would like to classify myself as an eternal mess.

*shakes herself in a failed attempt to find the last few drops of sense, if left at all*

Wake up, silly face! You're heading towards the edge of the cliff.

Aaaaaah. *runs amok*  W-a-k-e-u-p!!!!! Somebody wake her up, please.

♣

I've been told there's a little birdie inside my head. I am an aircraft and the birdie is the pilot- in case you were wondering how the birdie and I were related.

The birdie is flipping crazy, I've been told again.

The birdie is poofy, furry, fuzzy, and also very chubby. The birdie also has a very very furry tummy and bottom too.

*whistles away*

♣

Sighs.

♣

Did I mention I qualified my ACCA- Err... almost around eight months ago? Yeah, I know... I feel bad about not sharing it with you earlier, but oh well, I was upset about something and I suppose my excitement on becoming an affiliate was overshadowed by my concern for others things.

Uh.. And, I am also sorry for not mentioning the fact that I got engaged (sort of) in November... So, now I have a year or two left. Sighs.

*looks away*

♣

Two things that make can me weeeeelly weeeeeelly happy:

- A chilled glass of milk; and
- Cool fuzzy wind tickling me.

If I am a car's over heated carburetor, the above two things would be coolants.

♣

What can make me weeeelly weeeeeeely sad:

- Introspect; and
- A shit load of other things.

♣

I think I know how a planet who has strayed out of its orbit feels like.

♣

Zindagi itni bey-maqsad kion hogai hai aakhir... 

Kaisi anokhi baat re...

'Eik wada karo mujhse...'

'Yeh ke, kabhi mujhe kissi mushkil mein nahin dalougi.'

'Bolo...?'

'...... mein sumjhi nahin- kaisi mushkil?

'Bas, koi bhi mushkil!'

'Aur chahay uss ki wajah se mein he mushkil mein kion na parr jaa'on?'

'Haan!'

'Hmm...'

Of scents and sensibility

The sloth handed me an empty little bottle of scent a few days ago. Sloth's favorite scent, I reckon; it's some fragrance by Issey Miyake. 

-

There were times when I could not comprehend what you were, what your existence was. However, this very moment, as I snuggled into the arms of an airy fragrance that caressed my senses - the answer occurred to me, like an epiphany only.

Khushbu! Khushbu ho tum. Eik aisi mehsoor-kun khushbu jo hosh-o-khirad per kaabiz hojaye. Eik aisi khushbu jo wujood ke har ik issay mein bas jaye; jo khud wujood ka hissa ban jaye. Aisi khushbu jo alam-e-wajd mein le jaye; jo aas paas se beygaana kardey. Eik aisi khushbu jo dil-o-dimaagh ke nihaan khaanoun mein kahin chhup kar baith jaye.

Haan, haan khushbu he tou ho; jo saari fiza mein muntashir ho jaye; aur phir har guzartey lamhe ke saath madhum se madhum tar hoti chali jaye, yahan tak ke mukammal taur per ma'dooum hojaye. Wahi khushbu jo koi bhoola bisra khayal ban jaye. Aur jo kabhi ye khayal yaad-e-guzishta ke band kiwaar khol kar maazi ke dareechoun se jhaankay tou... eik mubham se muskurahat taskeen-e-jaan ka baa'is ban jaye. Phir jab yaadasht per gard-e-waqt ki teh dabeez se dabeez tar hoti chali jaye tou mehaz ik pareshan yaad ban jaye. Eik aisa khayal jiska suraagh na lagaya jasakay.

'Yeh khushbu... issay janta hon mein... bohat manoos si mehsoos hoti hai, magar... magar kuch yaad nahi parta...'

Eik aisi khushbu jo waqt ke saath saath sha'oor se nikal kar lasha'oor mein bas jaye, aur phir- lasha'oor ke ghannay jungloun mein raasta bhatak jaye- humesha humesha ke liye...

Haan bilkul aisi he khushbu ho tum. Eik hoshruba khushbu, jissay eik din mere lasha'oor ke jungloun mein kho jana hai- humesha ke liye.

Kaash iss khushbu ko kissi sheeshi mein qaid kiya jasakta.

Lies and I

Concealing the truth is just as good as lying, is it not now?

I've been keeping so much from you. So much.

Mujhe nahin maloom ke mein Parwardigaar se kya dua maangoun, aur kin alfaaz mein maangoun.

Life as we know it

It's Rapunzel's hair- only a lot less combed, and a lot more tangled. Oh and, it also has a lot more head-lice.

*grins*

Treacherous and twined

I am a liar. I lie. I am deceptive. I deceive.

I am a terrible person, but you cannot see. You look at me but with closed eyes. If only- you could see me with your eyes open. You'd see I am telling the truth- for once.

-

And I heard her whisper,


'I wish the Lord had made you as beautiful on the inside as He did on the outside...'

Treat for sore ears, aren't you now?

'...Goodnight guppyfish. Sab theek ho jaey ga.'

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Tangled

Let's have a good long laugh at our fates, shall we please?

Time to wake up, lil mad birdie! Time to wake up.

Those moments when you're so uber-happy, and then something strikes you like a lightening bolt...

This happiness, this bliss, it doesn't belong to you. Will never. Oh no, sir.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.2

Come to think of it

I am not much of a believer when it comes to love.

Yes, that is true. It's kind of sad, though (may be)- yet true.

What is love anyway? Sleepless nights, listless days, uh? I feel that way too- when I'm unwell. Characterizing love with traits similar to that of some disease? Excuse me please, but I must 'lol' at this, or even 'rofl' perhaps.

Define love for me please, will you? Oh and yes, pray also do tell how is it diagnosed?

*shakes head*

Pfffft

So much for good times, eh?

That day was my last day in the series of best days. I thought I was on a roll. But it turns out I wasn't.

Hello, irritability. Bye-bye good times. So long.

Illusionist

Don't believe what I say.

This world, my world, is a make-believe world. A world, where the line between what is real and what is an illusion is blurring further with every passing second. There are things in this world that exist one moment, and do not , the next.

There is no way you can know if what I tell you is true; if the places, people, things, that I've told you about really do exist.

I'm the last person, you should believe in.

Do yourself a favour, don't trust me- with anything.

To root, or not to root

That is the question!

I think I'm high on hash brownies.

One of the best days yesterday... Or was it today... Or will it be tomorrow. *smiles* 

-

You're making all this rather hard for yourself. Immensely hard. You, my dear, are paving your way to the most intense kind of nostalgia. The one that leaves no space for one's present, or even the future so to speak. 

I fail to comprehend what you're doing, or why. All this seems to fall beyond the boundaries of my logic and understanding. This my dear, indeed falls far far outside the boundaries of rationality. I do not get it, and neither do you, I safely assume. However, what I know is only the fact that this is going to sting you back. Real bad. And, what frightens me most is that  you're going to end up wounded.

But- do you care, I look at you and wonder. I shake my head and smile helplessly. Look at you, still smiling the most vibrant of smiles. As if it isn't your absurdity that we speak of, but someone else's. It's almost as if these facts that I state are slipping off the surface of your mind- the soapy surface of your mind.

Listen to me, love; pray do. There is still time to spare, even if very little, but there still is. Let's just step back and out of this lovely reverie of yours. Let's return to the real world. The world where things aren't so dainty, the world where most of what you see is in grayscale. It's not pretty, I accept; but it is real at least.

All I want is a burrow, to hide myself in.

Sighs.

People.

Why do they have to be so shallow?

I don't like a lot of people. Most of the people. Let's just say I don't like people. And well, I don't think they deserve to be liked. All my hate for humankind is pretty justified I guess.

How can their minds and souls be so polluted?

Nothing you do can raise you in their eyes. You are a wounded fawn and they are hyenas waiting, just waiting for you to wear out.

I wish I could live in a burrow. I don't want to meet people, talk to them, befriend them. I don't know where have I come from. If I am from here only, then why am I not like the usual crowd.

I cannot take all this. I can feel fear slowly creeping into me. I've started doubting and reassessing myself for everything. I knew I was never a good person. But that was just about it. I wasn't evaluating every action of mine. I wasn't doubting myself for every word someone said about me. It didn't bother me. I wasn't afraid of being judged. And now, I am. I feel vulnerable.

I don't want people to see me. To talk about me. Not even say good things about me. I've lost faith in everything. I don't trust anyone.

I putting up a good show of strength and all. But I don't know how long can I feign. My shield's broken; and the spears are coming in fast and too harsh in my direction.

I think I once knew where my solace was, but I'm not sure anymore.

I know Allah saa'een doesn't burden a soul with more than it can bear; am I really so strong then? How old am I, twenty two? Was it really necessary for me to know so much about people so soon? Couldn't all these illuminating discoveries have waited for me to actually grow up?

If only I was bunny, living in my comfy burrow somewhere under the ground. I'm tired. Honestly, I am. It's always the same thing, the same level of shallowness; with new faces only. Why in the heck have I not gotten immune to all this?

I feel so poisonous; I'm afraid I might begin to poison everything else around me as well.

Ahh bummer, it's the nice-ness fit again.

B, Majworld, Ally, Sid, you guys are awesome!

*wide smile*

I don't really know what's gotten into me right now. This is your moment though, since I'm not so nice normally. =P

Aay musalmaa'n...

Aay musalmaa'n kaash socha hota
Kay Muhammad (SAWAW) ka nawaasa hai yeh
Halat-e-sajda mein hai baykas-o-majboor bhi hai
Aur kaee roz ka pyaasa hai yeh

Boli Zainab(SA) zulm Shabbir(AS) pe dhaanay waalo'n
Patharou'n kay talay ma'iyat ko chhupanay waalo'n
Haye kaandhay pe uthatay thay jinhein Khatmay Rasul (SAWAW)
Meray us bhai ka laasha hai yeh

Jis ka Ghazi(AS) na raha aur Ali Akbar(AS) na bacha
Bhai ki laash pay khul kay jisay ronay na diya
Aaj matam sar-e-bazaar jo hum kartay hay
Issi Zainab(SA) ka dilaasa hai yeh

Sayyedoun ka bhara ghaar baar jalaya kyun hai
Bibiyon ko sar-e-bazaar phiraaya kyun hai
Tu ne tou yeh bhi na socha ke jo qaidi hain banay
Paak Zahra(SA) ka asaasa hain yeh

Main hun Zainab(SA) mujhe Haider(AS) tu sumajta kyun hai
Sun kay khutba mera mal’oon bigarta kyun hai
Boli Zainab(SA) ke yeh khutba hi nahin sun aay Yazid
Paak Quran ka khulaasa hai yeh

Saani-e-Zahra(SA) ki Akhtar yeh ataa hai tujhko
Noha likhnay ke liye dard mila hai tujh ko
Tere alfaaz mein hai Fatima Zahra(SA) ki dua
Tera andaaz judaa sa hai yeh

Alive- and for how long sir?

This world, it does not stop for any one, does it? Let alone stopping, it does not even slow down.

And death... It appears to be the only truth that remains afloat above this vibrant ocean of fallacious life.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.2

It's a rant, you can pass.

Holy tabasco sauce... my cousins are weird. They are bickering. And not just bickering (bickering is okay), they're bickering over their facebook walls. O_o

I'm contemplating the idea of disowning them.

*disgusted look*

They are adults! Not just adults, big adults!

A couple of them quarreling over video games. MW3 is better, no BF3 is better. PC is better, hell no, my xbox is better. While the others are bickering over the definition of adjectives like... take 'sharp' for example. The argument over video games and consoles was reasonable, until one of my cousins started bloating himself with all the big talk about his oh-so-awesome system specs.

Yes, we know you tech savvy Einstein, you got the best machine. BUT we ALSO know that you screwed your last system by overclocking it a little too much. Fried fish, 'twas. His machine getting fried was funny. *a brief pause* Ah well, it was for me! *rofl*

*huge agitated sigh*

I'm playing BF3 these days. It's alright. RUN didn't tickle my fancy either. MW3, I haven't tried yet. Although, I don't think BF3 and MW3 are supposed to be a lot of fun in single player. They're supposed to be played online, innit? But, anyways.

I would like to go to a gaming zone. Like the GHQ at atrium or the Tribal near the old metropolitan hotel. But I severely doubt the odds of that happening. I'm going to add this to my dream journal.

I went to arw's today. It was fun having lunch with her. Even my friends are like me, uber lazy. Especially arw and me, we are Garfield. I, however, like to think that I might be giving even Garfield a competition at laziness.

Although, sloth likes to disagree. Sloth says Garfield's lazy but he also likes eating. I don't like eating. Sloth doesn't want me to be Garfield because the sloth wants to be the Garfield.

I think I just felt a little irritated at the beginning of my rant post.

My cousins are pretty normal. Pretty cool, actually. No, let's just stick to normal. =P

Haye, what would I do without them? My good-for-nothing cousins. My one reason why I don't need a lot friends from the outside world.

♥

I'm really weird.True story.

There's something wrong with me.

There must be.

*facepalm* Why else have I started attracting weird crowd in here?

Weirdo-magnetism, much?

Such a bummer. *sulks*

P.S. Please stick to the content of the posts or the blog itself; do not cross talk, if you aren't able to do it in a decent manner. This is my blog, not your goddamn facebook account or wall, or whatever that good-for-nothing networking mess has to offer.

P.P.S. Something really absurdly hilarious happened today. Do you happen to know a person who has missed an exam, like accidentally or something?

I think I am going to miss you.

I really am.

Ali Un Wali Ullah

Yeh mai-e-wilaa humne barri shaan se pi hai

Humse jo bachi thi ussay Jibreel ne pi hai

Meesum ne issay charr ke sar-e-daar pe pi hai

Shab roz Abuzar ne jilaawatni mein pi hai

Is maikaday kausar ka faqat eik dhani hai

Yeh maula Ali hai, yeh maula Ali hai, yeh maula Ali hai.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.2

Humsafar chahiye, hujoom nahin

Zindagi se yehi gila hai mujhe

Tu bohat dair se mila hai mujhe

Tu muhabbat se koi chaal tou chal

Haar jaane ka hosla hai mujhe

Dil dharakta nahin tapakta hai

Kal jo khwaahish thi aabla hai mujhe

Humsafar chahiye, hujoom nahin

Ik musafir bhi qaafla hai mujhe

Kohkan ho ke Qais ho ke Faraz

Sab mein eik shaks he mila hai mujhey 

Life with socks on

Running (for your life) with your socks on is fun.

You accomplish two tasks.

1- You try not to fall and break your nose or head, depends which way you fall.

2- You try to run for your life, duh!

So I came to know that I not only wear two different shoes at times, but I've also somehow managed to wear two different sock altogether. They weren't even slightly similar- one was this irritating sort of pink while the other was purrrple. *feigns shock*

Oh, the purring reminds me that I'll be getting a kitty once I quit. Err... Which... I will soon. Yea. *coughs and tries to disappear* The sloth keeps throwing kitties at me but hey, I ate all those. *shrugs* So, will get one for myself when I.. quit.

I want to speak to my shrink. Right NOW.

ZZZzzzzzz... *Goes to sleep*

Life and associated silliness.

Winter winds are so *tries to come up with the exact word* comfy. No. That's not the precise feeling that I have in mind. They give you such warm fuzzy cozy feeling inside. They are soothing, to say the least. They're beautiful. Distracting. They almost have this ability to teleport you to another dimension; where there is only you and nothing else. Yes, I am a person who likes being alone, a lot.

I want this moment to freeze. This isn't the best. Not at all. There have been better- a lot better. Yet, I still want this moment to stop. Because I doubt what might come next.

Winters always mean trouble for me. Big trouble. But this time around it is really weird. I think know for sure that I am going to compromise. Why? Because I cannot allow myself a choice. There's too much at stake. And since I am the most insignificant of all things at stake, I'm going let go off myself.

Somethings happen too late in life. They become such a tease- the bloody what-ifs in capitals.

Some decisions in life are so freaking hard, you do not want to take them. You'd rather stall- for eternity. But you cannot buy that much time, can you?

You are walking down the road, you know your destination. But you do not wish to go there anymore. You now wish to walk into some uncharted territories... But you cannot go there either. If I were you, I would have stayed right where I was, wouldn't have moved even an inch in either direction. Would have spent my entire lifetime right there. I would have done exactly that, if I could have. Yes sir- there's the catch; could've. You cannot stay there.

I wish there was a third direction, I could have thrown myself into.

Have you ever had a wish that you could not pray for? Yes, a legit wish that you didn't have the courage to beg Him for. A wish that wouldn't have granted you the wealth of haft aqleem, but would have saved you from a deadly remorse. Yet, you cannot allow yourself to ask for it.

All in vain. Everything is useless. Utter vain.

I do not wish to spend my entire lifetime in regrets, remorse. What if these regrets never efface, even in the face of happiness?

So, I am going to pay for a slip I made over a decade ago. A wrong decision that I took then. I was a kid; and isn't it a little too late to punish for something done so long ago? Isn't it a little unfair? This is backstabbing with a slight modification, if you please; and backstabbing isn't cool. But I cannot complain. I own no such rights. I am but such a lowly creature after all. These are my sins- paying off.

Remorse, eats you on the inside. It's a parasite. Slow poison. You won't even know you're dying, until when you are actually on the brink of death.

'Isn't life grand', asks the sloth. 'Grander', I reply.

I am going to stay where I am, for as long as I can. I am not going to give in. I don't care what my destination is. I'll be there when I'll be there. For now, I am here. And I'll stay here. I am going to stall it for as long as I can.

If regret is my fate. Then let's face it. Let's look it in the eye.

Anyways, I think I'm gonna go and goof off around the house and bug my kin a little.

P.S. This incoherence- it is my life. Exciting, innit?

Pigeons, ostriches, and whatever else you can fancy.

I need to get this out of my system... I really do need to get this out.

Who should I talk to? Who should I talk to? Runs amok like a loco ostrich.

*frowns*

I don't like ostriches. They look goofy.

Should I talk to massi... She's understanding, and she has a vague little idea of what's going around. And I've tried lying to her by telling her that I'm A-okay- I don't think she believes me. But, no! I doubt its work-a-bility.

Crap.

Pigeons! Yes, pigeons; my ol' pals. 

*sulks*

Where will I ever find a pigeon at this hour of the eve? Not at my window sill, I'm sure. And let's suppose even if I do by some weird fluke, I cannot expect it to be awake for me- that'd be so demanding of me. Not a good idea. No more pigeons will befriend me anymore, if this news spreads- which is very likely, since pigeons are blabbermouths, I tell you.

*call*

*hangs up*

Shikaayt... Lol, gruphy says shikaayt when she means shikayat. Funny.

So... yes, back to the pigeon story. Nope- bad idea. *scratches it*

Pigeons are goofballs, says the sloth. I agree.

... Sighs. This isn't going to get any better, is it? There's no way. Who would've thought? Who could've thought?

Thought of the day- everyday these days.

What have you gotten yourself into, my love? How are you ever going to get out of it?