DAMN YOU ISRAEL!!

The Giant Night Bulb

It is a beautiful night. As the entire area is drowned in darkness (courtesy: KESC) I realise how exquisite this night is. The giant night bulb hanging up in the sky lends its borrowed silver light to this sleeping land. It embraces everything that it can and gives it a surreal glow. The calmness of night is shattered into a thousand tiny pieces by the fierce wind that blows. The wind wildly pounds against the windows and creates ripples in the silent lake of the night. Yet, all of this is so serene- to me. The wind brushes my tresses and whispers into my ears strange words in an alien language. However, it makes a smile crawl up my lips.

This city never sleeps, does it? There is still traffic on the roads. A few cars rushing on the deserted roads every now and then. Motor cycles and trucks passing as fast as they can, piercing the silence of the night. I even  hear some crows cawing. I guess even they are having issues luring themselves into sleep like me while the rest of the world is temporarily dead.

I am feeling ecstatic. I am happy for no apparent reason. I have stayed up this late after quite a long time. But I am alone. I am alive while the rest of the world has sold their souls to slumber for yet another night. However, there must be some exceptions. A girl who is awake and whispering to the man on the moon. A man standing in his terrace and staring up at the sky and smiling for reasons known to him only. Someone knelt down in front of his Creater, trying to convince Him how much he loves Him and seeking His mercy for he has sinned. Someone raising her hands up to the sky yet again and beseeching her Lord  for that one particular wish, just like every night. The trees that happily dance with the wind as it sways from one tree to another like a philanderer. The stars that twinkle as they blink there eyes, trying hard not to fall asleep. And the moon...

"Will you get me that giant night bulb down in a cage, please? It looks so alone up there..." 

All in a day's work...

I cannot turn more red from embarrassment. Another entry that successfully made to the "Most Embarrassing Moments List" and trust me, this one is "top of the line". 

ONE SHOULD NEVER BE TOO NOSY

So this is what happened. We were randomly chatting when my cousin's phone beeped. He made a joke about it but did not check his phone for the message and I came up with mischief in my mind. I asked him to hand me his phone. He said no. I insisted. He resisted. But finally, my insistence superseded his resistance and he handed me his phone and in exchange I handed him the glass(which by the way was the reason why he gave in). Alas! I wish he had not given in to me.

I forced him to blurt out his security code which he surprisingly did. I suppose he did not have anything to hide OR perhaps (and more likely) it was another dumb day for me. I wish I had not read his text message. But it was spilt milk, my crying would have been in vain. The moment the message opened was the moment I realised my foolishness. There was just a delay of nanoseconds between my action and the resulting qualms.

I did not read the entire message but just a couple of words caught my eye and made my realise how dumb have I been. It was some kind of bakwaas joke. All my shararat went down the drain in an instant. I hit the back key and returned him his phone as if the phone was some kind of creepy crawly. Eww!! Why do boys have to be so grotesque? I wanted to vanish into thin air. He then checked his message but I think he did not read the entire message he probably checked the sender and the first few lines. The only words that came out of his mouth were: "Oh... yeh.. hai.."  He was referring to the sender. He tried to sound as casual as he could. But I think both of us felt embarrassed in our own ways and the odd pause that lasted a few minutes was a witness of it.

Uff Allah Saa'iin... Why do I always prove myself dumber than dumb? Why on earth did I ever want to check his phone? I regretted. Furthermore, I regretted the fact that I did not hit delete. I should have deleted the message and said: "Oh! I'm sorry man. Delete hogaya!!" At least he  would not have found out that I read that stupid message. Although, I did not read it but he would comfortably be presuming that I did. Sighs.

I have been trying not to think of it. But it keeps coming back and sticks out a tongue at me. Only people like me, who do something wrong and worry about it all day all night (irrespective of the magnitude of the wrongness), can understand how messed up I am feeling right now. I do not disagree that what happened to me is funny. Yes, it IS hilarious but only because it happened to ME and not YOU. *blushes*

MORAL OF THE STORY:  Never poke your nose into other's business (especially men's). *curls toes*

Ugh.

P.S. One more thing, I have no idea why this particular cousin of mine has to witness the most grand exhibitions of my dumbness. Hmph!  

Dear Sidra

Sighs. I have missed blogging yaar. It's just that exams are round the corner- kya karooon?! =( I am having "the-time-of-my-life" (in all the wrong ways, that is).  I am afraid if I write, I will write about how Gray, Owen and Adams hold that Pristine Capitalists are people who do not give a damn about other people. The only thing that seems to interest them is how to make big bucks. And I cannot begin to elaborate on how strongly Mr. Milton Friedman seconds this stance on Social Responsibility.

I might also disclose to you that I have no idea what The Divine Command Theory is and that I fail to understand what was Socrates's point when he asked Euthyphro the famous question: "Is the pious loved by the gods because it is pious, or is it pious because it is loved by the gods?" And how weird is that, studying philosophy in Accounting and Finance, uh?

I will also have to admit that accountancy is by and large the most stodgy profession- Dull as ditch-water. I wake up every morning each day and ask myself: "What on earth am I doing to myself?" Ugh.

Enough bakwaas about how much I loathe accountancy. Another reason that I have been away, which by the way is the primary reason, is that I have been ripped off of my words lately. I cannot seem to scribble up anything that makes sense. This time it isn't just my words that are incoherent and scattered but it is my mind that is plagued with incoherence and is going berserk.

But, don't worry. I will be lurking around in the corners with my nonsensical posts, that is. :)

Love,

Ann.

P.S. By the way, this "started out" as a reply to your comment but...... you know. ;)

A puppet show

I am tired. Scared. Sick.

Of a world where everything is made up of brick and mortar- and that is it. A world where people are nothing but clay puppets. Their desires pulling their strings. Inanimate objects manipulated by their desires and self-interest.

I check myself for any similar strings attached. I find none.

I am disappointed. Life would have been so much easier that way.

I wish to be a puppet too. A clay puppet, like you.

Aur Bhi Gham Hain Zamaane Mein Muhabbat Ke Siwa

The title of the last post makes me sound like a lovesick person. Funny. Yes, I was sad. But 'love and similar disasters' were not the one to blame. There were 'other' reasons behind that. I can assure you. Precisely, none of my posts that are dripping with despair hold love as their culprit. Being lovesick is out of my league. I do not really believe in 'love as in love'. What I mean is, love is not a ground reality, so as to speak. Love is.... It is surreal. Pure fiction. Therefore, I do not really believe in love. Not my thing, eh.

I love what Faiz Ahmed Faiz sahib says. It is beautifully cruel.

                   Laut jaati hai idhar ko bhi nazar kyaa kije
                   Ab bhi dilakash hai teraa husn, magar kya kije
                   Aur bhi gham hain zamaane meiN mohabbat ke siwa
                   RaahateiN aur bhi haiN vasl ki raahat ke sivaa

So yeah, love is not my cup of tea. Having said that, I must admit, "Holy God! What an outrageous liar I am!" LOL. It does not matter how many times I repeat that I do not believe in love, it will always bounce back to me like an echo and remind me what a pathetic liar I am. As funny as it might sound to some, I often try to escape love. I try to run away. But then soon enough I realise that I am running in circles only and so I obviously find myself right where I started- with love- again. Mhm.

However, I must say that love has become a cliché for the commonplace girl/boy loves boy/girl thing. Yes, I said commonplace and you can take all the offence you want. I don't know. I am not a big fan. Nonetheless, it does not mean I am against love. Oh no, no! It is, indeed, very essential. I am just, well, how should I put it? I am just against some kinds of love. There. Now that was a nice way of putting it. LOL

So anyways, I was saying that I am being a blatant liar when I say that I do not believe in love. Yes, that is true, I am afraid. That is so because I am a lover. An impulsive and compulsive lover. I love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. And I must confess, love hurts. It hurts in places that you did not even know existed inside you. All kinds of love hurt. But, there can be different reasons to the question "why it hurts?"

I know why my love(s) hurts. (I know just about everything, my problems and their solutions, and yet I loiter on the paths of my life wearing my ignorance cloak, listlessly. What to do with such enforced oblivion? What to do? Arw rightly calls me a "knowledgeable jaahil" ) Love has happened to hurt me often too because I've never succeeded in pulling off the balancing act. I always mess with the balance of things. Hence, the outcomes are pretty much err.. logical. I am way too possessive and it successfully leads me down the abyss of despair. From tiniest things to colossal matters, from my mother to my friends, I am almost always so overbearing. Let me put it in a nutshell. I am a spoiled brat. There, done.


P.S. This is so not what I had in my mind to write about. It is not even anything similar to it. Ugh. I am a spoiled brat and I have a dangerously high tendency to diverge. Period.

Mariz-e-Muhabbat

Unadorned days and unembellished nights. Life is back to "normal" again. The pain has subsided and the tears have dried up. I suppose, we have learnt to deal with our "selves". I suppose, we have come to terms with the hide and seek our woes and happiness have been playing with us. We had to. Eventually. 

Irada Tha Tar'ke Muhabbat Ka Lekin
Faraib-e-Tabassum Mein Phir Aa Gaye Hum
Abhi Kha Kay Thokar Sanbhalne Na Paye
Ke Phir Khayee Thokhar Sanbhalte Sanbhalte

So, this time I decided to dive into the river of indifference earlier than usual. Indifference is my only shield against this world and "my own self". It is always my last resort. I needed a distraction. But any and every mundane affair of life was not proving to be enough.

Aray Koi Wadaa Khilafee Ki Had Hai
Hisaab Apne Dil Mein Laga Kar Tou Dekho
Qayamat Ka Din Aa Gaya Rafta Rafta
Mulaqaat Ka Din Badalte Badalte

In one of my previous posts, I was suggested in a comment by Ubaid to revert to music. I told him it made me nostalgic which, by the way is exactly what it makes me feel. But then last night as I was listening to FM, I realised I was listening to all the wrong genres of music. I had to turn to the kind of music which suited my mood but was anti-depressing simultaneously. And voilà! I found exactly the right stuff.

Unhein Khat Mein Likha Keh Dil Muztarib Hai
Jawab Unka Aaya Ke Mohabbat Na Karte
Tumhein Dil Lagane Ko Kis Nay Kaha Thaa
Behel Jayega Dil Behalte Behalte

I have also realised that what is killing me (or "trying endlessly" to kill me) is something within my self. It is not a novel discovery though, I have known this for quite a long time now. For the sake of pin pointing the culprit, I must admit that it is my "expectations" that have been stabbing me. And my oh my! Do they know where to stab me to make me wail my heart out. Cruel things, I tell you. I have also often wondered why do I feel a sudden sting in my eyes. Then I realised that they are the hopes that came crashing down and shattered into a thousand minute splinters and smash into my eyes every now and then.

Hamein Apne Dil Ki To Parvah Nahin Hai 
Magar Darr Raha Hoon Yeh Kamsin Ki Zidd Hai
Kahin Paaye Naazuk Mein Moach Aa Na Jaye
Dil-e-sakht Jaan Ko Masalte Masalte

I have to confess. I am my own enemy.  I should slay my own expectations before they slay me. You know, people do mistakes and then blame it on others. But my tragedy is the fact that I have no one to blame but myself. Technically speaking, people have not hurt me much. I wound my own self. Only and if only, I could contain my expectations, I could be content. It is not that hard.

Woh Mehmaan Humare Huwe Bhi Tu Kab Tak
Hoyi Sham'a Gul Aur Na Doobe Sitarey
Qamar Kis Qadr Unko Jaldi Thi Ghar Ki
Woh Ghar Chal Diye Chandni Dhalte Dhalte

It is not that easy either. I am obsessed. I am possessive. I am touchy. I am irascible. How many broken ends will I mend? How many wreckages will I repair? How many fractures will I plaster? How many ugly scars will conceal under my masks? How many lesions will I bandage? How many wounds will I heal? How many glitches will I fix?

Mariz-e-Muhabbat Unheen Ka Fasana

Sunata Raha Dam Nikalte Nikalte
Magar Zikre Sham-e-Alum Jab Ke Aaya

Charagh-e-Sehar Bujh Gaya Jalte Jalte

Oh forget it! To hell with my whimpering.  It is just that..... Munni Begum is so awesome!! =)

                 Dard Koi Bala Hai Woh Shokh Mizaaj,

                 Usko Chhe'rra Bura Kiya Tu Ne....

Vengeful Happiness

I have been happy in the past few months. I have been happy for longer than I should have. But now it ends. It had to end. I have known happiness was never a sincere companion of mine. It has always been a wolf in sheep's clothing; the calm before the storm. But I took my chances. I tried to cling on to it as fast as I could have. I tried to hold on. But it did not work out. The string attached to happiness was no more a dainty flower garland, it soon turned into a barbed wire wounding my hands.

Happiness came last night- To bid me farewell. It kissed me goodbye. With a smirk on its lips, the entire time.  As it walked away from me, I stood there motionless. No pain, no stings piercing my body. I stood there emotionless. But then, all of a sudden, it stopped and turned around. With a dreadfully grave expression, it told me it- "For every smile that kissed your lips, my love, you will pay me with tears." It wanted to take its toll on me. I wanted to laugh at it, I wanted to mock it. However, I do not know what happened. I was still standing there emotionless. No pain ripping me apart, still. As if by a spell, I felt a sudden sting in my eyes. My sight blurred with in a second, a streak of some liquid wet and warm trickled down my face. With disbelieve, I touched my face. It was wet with what we call tears. I had been cursed, yet again.

With my eyes wide open, I looked straight ahead, where happiness once stood. It was gone and I was left with the echoes of its derisive laughs.

Life and other disasters

I need a distraction.... from life itself. 

My love, my dearest

When will you learn? When will you ever learn? When will you ever learn my precious, when to stop fighting?

Look around. What do you see? Save, corpses of your brutally murdered army- innumerable pieces of shattered faith, hopes and dreams? In this blood smeared battle field, you stand alone. All alone.

Look at yourself. What do you see? A bruised body and a bruised soul. The blood dripping from your wounds. Do you not see it? You cannot fight a battle with empty hands. The pain is ripping your soul apart but your body is numbed. It denies every blow that it has received. Denies every strike it has suffered. Denies to let go.

Look at you. How pathetic you look. How appalling. Your knees can no longer bear your burden. You arms have lost there strength. There is void in your chest where your heart once used to be. Your eyes are smeared with blood. How sick you look, my beloved, how grotesque.

Let go, my love. Let go off yourself. Seeing you, it drowns my heart in the floods of agony and misery. For the sake of my love, my love, let go. I cannot take this any longer. It hurts. It rips my heart into tiny shreds. Do not bring this unto thyself, for my sake. Fall to the ground. Surrender.

This is the end.

And this is how it ends... When you fight against... Thyself, my love, my dearest.

Charcoal

My fair lady, you... are so dark. Darkest of all darks.

Pitch black.

Eik rang mein jeena jeevan ko, ay jaan-e-tamanna theek nahi...

"You act as if you are so strong..."
"I am"
"Hahah. You wish.."
"By the way, I must say, you are good at acting.." 
"..I mean, most of the times you almost get away with your lets-play-pretense tricks.."
"..Kabootar jaisa tu dil hai but you try to pose yourself as a He-Man."
"HE-MAN???"
"I cannot be a He-Man!"
*chuckles*
"Wahi tu! But you like to act like one"
"No, I do not"
"Oh, trust me. You do. And you know it"
*squirms*


*Strange voices in my head....!

I am not crazy, I am just a little impaired

We might have been—these are but common words,

And yet they make the sum of life’s bewailing.

        -Letitia E. Landon

Like (or unlike) most of the people I have a habit of lamenting upon my mistakes longer than required. I do something wrong and then I spend a couple or more days thinking "what if" or "if only" I had not done it in the first place. "What if" is an excruciating prefix for any question. I punish myself even for the most trifling blunders that I may commit. I lie awake and worry about things that others might not have even noticed me doing. Others might forgive me but I just find it so hard to forgive myself. My regrets are KILLERS. I make monsters out of such petty things and they haunt not just my nights but days as well. I never let go. Perhaps, because nobody taught me to how "let go" off things/thoughts/memories. But then this is something that you learn on your own. Ah! I am one hopeless creation of God. Sighs.

Something similar happened today. It is so trivial that you might shake your head in disapproval after reading. Therefore, a word of warning for those whose time is very precious: Do not go any further, you might end up swearing at me for wasting your time. Lol. But I cannot begin to describe how mentally tedious it was for me. Saeed bhai (my driver) got a ticket for using a mobile while driving. Well, technically speaking, he was not using it while driving actually. He stopped the car at the red light and then received the call. However, it was a bad day for him. There were traffic constables standing at both ends of the road. One of them stopped him. I would like to mention something here, I have this thing against the police walas. I mean, I just do not want to have a conversation with them. I think they scare me. So, I stayed put in the back of the car while Saeed bhai tried to convince him to excuse him. Well, I obviously had the option of calling my phuppo and get things settled here. The constable would have greeted me with a Salaam and let us go. However, for some reason I did NOT do that. Saeed bhai got ticketed and I just sat there.

Everything was fine until I came back home. I realised I was pretty tensed. I told my ami what had happened and she was a little annoyed at the driver at first but then something happened to me and I suddenly said, "Ami, I should have called phuppo". I said this because I just realised how disappointed my driver looked. I also realised that the fine for using a mobile while driving is higher than the usual traffic fines. This made me sad. I started feeling bad about all of this. I started feeling bad about myself. I felt bad when I thought I could have saved these few hundreds for him, which might not have been only a "few" for him.

I spent the entire day feeling bad. My head, actually, hurt from thinking so much. I apologized to God also for not helping his creation when I could have easily. Had it really been my driver's fault I would not have been so sad about all of this. But as afore mentioned, technically speaking, it was not his fault, entirely. Nevertheless, by evening an idea had struck me which could have helped me make my heart feel lighter. I implemented it and it felt so much better afterwards. I, literally, felt lighter as if some heavy boulder had been shoved off my chest. I am feeling soooooooooooo much nicer now. Phew!

Yes! Yes! I know I am a wacko. Go on! Laugh your heads off at me or shake them in disappointment. You have no idea how depressed I was. Yes, I know "but this is SO trivial". But that's what I am trying to tell you! I have this tendency of cheezon ko sar per sawaar karlena. I self-inflict myself with worries, woes and what nots! Sighs. This was just one example. My 21(nearly) year history is crammed with such jaw-dropping examples. Hey! Are you laughing at me? Fine. Let's laugh together then!! =)

Blue blues..

Okay... So yes I had my hair cut into a bob a few months back. I looked awesome, contrary to the teasings I got from my brothers and cousins. My hairs did earn me quite a lot of nicknames which, obviously I am not going to reveal here. Nah. Not a chance. lol. As I said, I looked awesome but there is a thing with the boys in my family. They LOVE long hairs. I mean even the hairs on your head are your own but if you are thinking of cutting them short you will have to face a desk banging opposition, just like the ones in our parliament. Yupe, they are that obsessed. Anyways, my hairs have grown out now and so have the teasings.

BUT.... Now I want to get Blue Streaks. Don't raise eye brows. I want just a couple of blue streaks, that's it. I have been wanting to do that for so long now. But I am hoping I do get this done this time. Let's hope my ami agrees to it *fingers crossed*. However, the gentlemen of my khandaan would get yet another chance to chastise me AGAIN. lol. And the first one would be my.... Oh God! My papa..... I am having a feeling this is going to be a long journey and that too, utterly painstaking. lol.

=)

Incompleteness

Incompleteness, has become an essential part of me. Incomplete posts lingering in my drafts. Incomplete thoughts dawdling in my brain. Incomplete assignments dying for me to complete them. *huh*


Yesterday was a funny day. Yupe, that is it, it was a funny day. What? You want details? Oh! You think I am going to disclose all details here and tell you everything so that people can read all this and wonder what a twit I am? Okay, you are right. I am a twit. You think it is funny? I think it is sad.


I do not like comedy. I mean, give it a thought. What is comedy? Comedy is finding amusement in the sufferings of other people. Charlie Chaplin, the poor fellow, slips off his feet and you find that amusing. Ha! Comedy is a milder form of sadism, you see. If you like comedy, you are a sadist. You didn't know that now, did you?


I have been accused of "posing" weirdness. Now that, my dear, was a one of a kind accusation. I was told that I like being thought of as a weirdo. *shakes head* How can people manage to come up with such "wonderful" ideas. My pains, my agony, my frustrations are mine. I never entreated any one of you to share them. Have I ever? NO! Because I know it. I know, that the moment I will open my mouth and talk about them you will think they are trash. You won't understand and please don't even try to. Your life is far too complete to understand my incompleteness. I have been given a fair share of blessings, I am not complaining to God about my life. I am happy with it (on the whole). But you just won't understand.


I was called a mental case when I mentioned that I am probably suffering from some kind of a chemical imbalance in my brains. Heart-breaking, I tell you. I literally felt a sting on the left side of my body, where the piece of meat called heart lies. Reason: Not Found. I had awful many reality checks. Too many for one day. I was evaluated and commented upon in every possible way. It was heart piercing. I was told that I am irascible and rude. I was fired at with an AK-47. Non-stop hits. But then, "all's well, that ends well". And all this ended well too. At the end, I was told that I am a "lovely person". Why, thank you so very much.  Although, I have failed to understand how can I be bad and lovely, simultaneously.

I need a fix.




P.S. To Sidra: Please be kind enough, to resume writing more often. I am getting bored without you yaar.

Memo....Randoms!

•  It's sad life does not come with a manual. (Err.. Ok.. May be it's not that sad after all)
• A broken road..... *Hmmm*
• I have lost interest in blogging which is also very sad. Primary reason: Blankness, empty-headed-ness.
• However, when I am in the car (on my way to and back from college) I get so many brilliant ideas to blog about but another sad fact of my life is that I have a memory span shorter than that of a gold fish. I forget things.
• I think I will buy a planner or something of that sort.
• My cousin just got me Windows 7 =) It is nice. Similar to vista however, a little nicer. I have sweeet cousin.
• I have to complete NFS SHIFT *huh* (I make it sound like a school assignment) Anyways, I liked CARBON better.
• I feel less stingier which is a good thing (for you)
• I am thinking of putting on weight. But I seriously need to cut back on chocolates or else I am sure to get diabetes. But... =S there are these new chocolates that I am munching on these days =P They even have nice messages underneath the wrappers.
• I WANT TO WRITE A POST that qualifies as a sensible post.
• I am trying to write something. A short story or a long story or may be it is not a story at all. *Ugh* I don't know. Just pray that I may complete it soon.
• I have been thinking of painting since sooooooooo long. My oil paints must have rotten by now.
• Accounting has consumed me. I dreamt about double-entries today. Oh God! This is outrageous. Oh and a few nights back, I also saw Salman Khan for the second time. Cheesy! lol.
• I am unable to write proper sentences. Reason: Same as mentioned in the 3rd pointer. If this is not cured soon, I will run into a panic attack.
• This is crazy. My blog. I don't like it anymore.
• I have been making stick figures. Face-less stick figures.

The nice messages I was talking about

Pst! Pst! Those of you who got till here; a good pat on your back. You have got nerves, I tell you.

Hold on a sec. please

Have you ever wished for the world to freeze for a moment so that the tear drop that has been hinging on your lash for so long can have the liberty to roll down your cheek and land in your lap; so that you can have the liberty to raise your hand and wipe that faint trail left by your tears off your face?

Just a moment.

And then the world can get back to its dreary routines.

A Gem, Lost

Zulfikar Ali Bhutto

I remember 10th grade History. We were given an assignment on Bhutto. The class was split into two groups for a debate for and against the Bhutto regime. I obviously chose pro-Bhutto. My entire class participated in a more or less objective way (mostly) except for me, obviously. lol. I was in love with Bhutto sahib. No points for guessing who won the debate- we did. =)

Forget my personal feelings. Undoubtedly, only two men in the 62 year old history of Pakistan can be fittingly declared as leaders- Mohammad Ali Jinnah and Zulfikar Ali Bhutto. Have you ever heard him speak? The fervor, passion and the zeal in his voice gives me goosebumps everytime I hear his speeches. When he spoke to the people, he was one of them unlike the other conceited yet shallow leaders that we have been sentenced with now and in the past. When he spoke to the farmers, he was one of them. When he spoke to the labourers, he was one of them. When he spoke to the businessman, he was one of them. When spoke to the intellectuals, he was one of them. His charisma, his boldness, his unwavering faith had no parallel.

Have you seen his speeches in the UN Security Council? Wow. I lack words. I am not talented enough to translate my awe and admiration in words. Certainly, I have not seen such a charismatic speaker in my 21-year-old life. Who else could have spoke in the Security Council like that:

“I am leaving your Security Council. I find it disgraceful to my person and to my country to remain here a moment longer than necessary. I am not boycotting. Impose any decision, have a treaty worse than the Treaty of Versailles, legalise aggression, legalise occupation, legalize everything that has been illegal up to December 15, 1971. I will not be a party to it. We will fight. We will go back and fight. My country beckons me. Why should I be a party to the ignominious surrender of a part of my country? You can take your Security Council. Here you are. I am going.”

I have heard our leaders speak. There is nothing to listen to when they speak. It is a mere formality. But when I hear his speeches and addresses, every single nerve in my body turns into ear. How I wish to have been there then. When he spoke, he casted some kind of spell which made you believe "Yes, this is possible."  He loved his country. He stood for his country. He fought for his country- For my country. And that is one of the reasons for which I esteem him. Do we now have a leader even similar to him? Do we now have a saviour who can retrieve our integrity and sovereignty? Are we independent? Yes? No? No! No! No! We are NOT! Our independence has been sold by our own so-called leaders. They have done everything in their power to lead this country to ruins. Oh and congratulations to them, I see they are doing pretty well. 

Bhutto sahib lived for his country an he died for his country. His death was a foreign conspiracy. A thought occurred to me today while I was watching TV. Bhutto sahib brought together all the Muslims nations. Not only, did he do that, he also put in his efforts to unify the third world countries. He was a rising star. A morning star, that indicated that dawn was nearby. Had he only had a little more time. The west, however, feared the fact that if Zulfikar Ali Bhutto was not stopped then they would have to face formidable consequences. The west of course, did not like the idea of people uniting together. They had to eliminate Bhutto. And they did.

Inhein sadiYon na bhoolay ga zamana,

Yahan jo hadse kal ho gaye hain.

Jinhein hum dekh kar jeetey thay Nasir

Woh loog aankhon se ojhal ho gaye hain.

Bhutto was a visionary, a revolutionary, a believer, a lion-heart and most of all, a leader. We did not value what we had and now we are left with nothing. May God save our country. However, I have my hopes clinged to Imran Khan but I am just too afraid of watching my hopes fall apart again. But I pray Imran Khan gets a chance and proves him to be what he proclaims. I hope he proves to be a leader one day. And I pray that day may come soon.

Sweet Emotional Clutter

I talk too much. A little TOO much. *(Now this can be debatable as some people think I talk without a pause while others think I am arrogantly reserved. Well, what can I say? =P)


But then there are times when I do NOT want to say anything. Nothing at all. Perhaps, because it is a meek attempt to find solace in silence.


Some people around me think I am secretive which, I have to deny outrightly. I am not secretive, I just do not like to "express" myself to others. If you get me, good. If you do not, even better.


I have been charged with an endless list of charges some of which include mad anger, temper tantrums, mood swings, sarcasm, cynicism and other similar stuff. Oh! Upon special request from some dear ones stealth should also be added to the list above. *eyes wide open with disappointment*


On my way back home today, a thought occurred to me. In fact, a question popped up in my mind. What if I was locked in a tower with no doors and only a window for light and some other bare necessities? Can I survive that? Majority of people, when asked, would say "no" right away. But I think I will resort to saying "may be yes". Give me a few gadgets to pass my time, some books, an enormous pile of paper, a pen, charcoal, some paints. Yes sir, I think I will survive. The major reason for this will be that I am not merely unsociable, I can be anti-social as well. I kind of like being alone. *shrugs* Well, not all the time but err.. often.


I do not think I belong to this century. I belong to the era of our parents and grand parents. How many times have I wished to have been born then. Wishes *sighs* are wild horses. These times are that of apathy, materialism, all-work-and-no-play sort. Of course, not for everybody. There are always nice people in this sea of ugly humanity. Oh and by the way, by saying that I do not belong here I did not mean that I am very nice, selfless, sincere, dipped-in-honey type. I can be mean(read unkind). In fact, I am. *chuckles*


Err... Alright, you can stop reading if you have had the strength to reach here. I must commend you though. This is such a useless-random-unrelated-irrelevant-incoherent-nonsensical-waste-of-time post. Apologies for wasting your time. lol

Zip, Zero, Zilch

It makes me sad t report that I am out of words. Not because I am thrilled and hence dumbfound but because there is nothing in my mind. Nada, null, naught. However, I want to express myself but I do not know how (or what). It is as if I am oblivious to words. It is as if I am ignorant of the rules of sentence making. Everything that travels down my mind to my finger tips and appears on the screen is so meaningless and dull. It is as if I have never written; as if writing was never my thing. Every thought that transforms into words is so mediocre, so unattractive.

I want to write though, it is just that I have nothing to write about. Odd. I feel like a 9th grader told to write an essay or a story in class. I am sitting at my desk staring at the whiteness of the paper which resembles the colour of the void in my mind.

*Blankness*

                                                    
                                                
                                                              
                                                          
                                                    
                                              
            

Breathtaking

"Beware of the man who does not return your blow: he neither forgives you nor allows you to forgive yourself."

Wow!

*Stolen off a friend's facebook status*

Need a spark?

A little change. A rang barangee change. It is not the usual me, I am not so rang barangee usually. But, I suppose I am feeling a little dainty right now. :) However, this template is absolutely tentative. Will change sooon (Soon here means when I feel less lazier). lol

Sidraaaaa the template changing syndrome is contagious, isn't it?! See, you got me infected! ;)

=D

Yayy!! So Blogger decided to introduce the Template Designer. Finally! It was about time. :) I want to try it out sooooon... but I am such a lazy-bone, laying down on all jobs. :) Anyhooo, I will look into it.

Poke at your own risk

Funny are the times when people ask you to vent out. When they want you to share your feelings with them. However, funnier are the times when you do as were told and see a thick layer of disappointment (and other similar emotions) envelope their face and all you hear is silence- a disgruntled silence.

A word of warning:
People should never urge me to speak when I intend to do otherwise.

Abandon All Hope

And sometimes, it is far better to slay all your hopes than to forcefully keep them alive.

Better and less painful.

Enigmas and Ennui

Rahiye ab aisi jagah chal kay jahan koi na ho
Hum-sukhan koi na ho aur hum-zaban koi na ho

Bay-dar-o-deewar sa ek ghar banaya chahiye

Koi humsaya na ho aur pasban koi na ho

Parhiye ghar beemar to koi na ho beemar-dar

Aur agar mar jaiye to noha-khaan koi na ho

-Mirza Ghalib

I am out of words to define what has gotten into me these days. This strange desire to abandon everything and climb up a mountain top so remote that I become unreachable, has taken over me. I want to be alone.  I am trying hard to live but it is not working out. It is exhausting and I am tired. 

I want someone- a friend; a confidant; some one. 

I am in a dire need for someone; someone who just sits beside me and agrees to lend me a shoulder- not to cry upon, but to rest my head on it and release a deep sigh that has been trapped inside my lips for so long. I need someone to listen to my groundless, illogical and ridiculous thoughts and not ask me why? what? how? I do not care if they do not understand even a single word I say. I just want someone to listen to me and pretend that they understand. I want to speak out incomplete and incoherent thought/sentences that have been spinning in my head and I do not want to be told that I make no sense.

 I do not want to be judged based on what comes out from my mouth, for just a few moments. I do not want be thought of, even for a split second, as being irrational. Nor do I want any advices, any suggestions, any remedies. I do not want to be told that everything is or will be fine. I want to say things that I have never said before. And, when I am done I want a reassuring hand to hold my shoulder firmly. I want a gesture that tells me someone will always be there for me. Someone will always be willing to relieve me from my pain, my anguish, my sufferings- even, if so, for a second. I just need a shoulder to rest my head upon and ease me off my burden for a while until I am ready to stand up and tread on the paths of life again. 

However, I am sure this brainlessness is going to end soon. I realise that I am hitting the saturation point and so very soon this listlessness will be cured. InshAllah.

Incoherence 001

Eyes that turn pink from the intensity of emotions, look extraordinarily beautiful.

Trying to speak when there is block of tears stuck down your throat is horribly difficult especially, when even your words lack coherence and make no sense at all. 

I wonder if they have a tear duct removal surgery. I hate crying but it is so damn uncontrollable. 

Life is becoming increasingly messy-er and that too for no apparent reason. 

I need to vent out my emotions before my emotional pressure cooker explodes leaving behind further clutter than there is now. 

I am in a dire need of a disk cleanup.

I am guilty. Lie, deceit, treachery and pretense are my crimes.

Sigh.

My apologies to myself.

*Takes a deep breath*

GHANCHAKARRR

I am amazed how suddenly I have started wishing that a day had more than 24 hours. Past few days have been mad. I cannot remember being this busy before- well, blame it on my short termed memory. Haha! But no seriously! And Friday was the awful-EST. Well, let me think.. was it Friday or Sunday that was the awful-EST. Ummmm Nah!! Can't decide, tough competition, you know. I was.... HUH!!! I am sooo tired!!!

Went to Hyderabad on Tuesday and returned the same day, it was tiring, horribly tiring. Wednesday went by in an attempt to relax but that didn't work out. I do not remember Thursday, it feels as if I skipped it. Then came the mother of all, Friday. I woke up early to make chocolate mousse for my khaala's and my cousins' birthday. One mousse for three birthdays. ;) I will post peeectures of it in the next post. LOL. I had a class that day but then it got cancelled which was a pleasant surprise as I hoped the day won't end up very tiring but, somehow it did!!

Then there was this Professional Training Application from Ernst & Young which drained out every single drop of energy from my body. This was the first time I was applying to any articleship  programme. What was surprising in a very pissing manner was the fact that they asked for references even for training.... Huh? I mean, seriously? Anyways, I somehow managed to fill in the application and submitted it on Saturday which also happened to be the last date. LOL. You know, I and deadlines walk hand in hand since a long long time. But I'm afraid I have to report a minor mess that I performed while filling up the form. The form very clearly said that "Inaccurate and incomplete forms will not be processed" and I... Well, I forgot to fill in a field. *Nervous* I left out the Relationship field under the References head. I and my friends think it is not a big deal but I have no idea what E & Y Ford Rhodes Sidat Hyder think. *Bites nails* These big four firms are snobby, you know!! Hmph!!

Sunday was another disaster, to tell you so. I have a 4-hour class on Sundays. *Bangs the head with a wall* Yes, kill me! I have no life anyways. And to add a cherry on top of the cake, I scored 10.5 on a 20 mark test. Hahahah!! That was funny, by the way. I returned home in the evening and then had to dress up for a Milad at my Mamoo's place. Not to forget I had a class early in the morning, the next day. *Sigh* By the bye, other than being worn-out I was also starving on Sunday. Just had breakfast and the next meal was a late night dinner.

On Monday, I was anything but myself. I could hardly pay attention in the class. During the class, I remembering mentioning to Arwa that I am seriously considering  taking an early retirement from life. What? Don't look at me like that! I was exhausted! Anyways, when the class got over and we walked out of the class, Arwa brought to my attention the manner in which we were walking. She said and I quote,  "Yaar!! *giggles* Hum kaise chal rahey hain!! Zombies ki tarah!!" She was cent percent correct. We were literally dragging ourselves to our cars. I was tired as a dog, although I never understand why are dogs so tired to have a simile to their credit because in my opinion they are are usually loafing around.

Past week has been a ghanchakar. Yes, that's about it. The length of my posts has started to scare me off, I won't be surprised if it has the same effect on others. ;) Anyhow, so this is the detailed alibi for my absence from my blog; my humzaad. And...... Sorry Sidra that you had to miss me which, by the way, feels very elating!! I missed you too!! No faking, cross my heart!! =)

Dry Ice

I am back.

I am holding my happiness with all my might. But you know, happiness is just like grains of sand that can never be clenched inside our palm; the tighter we hold, the quicker they slip away from tiny crevices of our fist. Funny! I often wonder is it the happiness that runs away from me or is it me? I can never blame others  for adorning me with grief. For it is always I who chooses sorrow as my embellishments. I am hypersensitive. And that is what brings me, everytime, at the doorstep of misery. It's self-inflicted, I tell you. I have realised, I am too fastidious, too fractious and this makes me so volatile.

What am I?

Dry ice!!

 Highly volatile, either solid or gas, no intervening liquid form.

The only thing that stands between me and my contentment is.... I, myself. So, how do I eliminate this obstruction? Let's replace the word "obstruction" with the name of the obstruction. Here it goes: So, how do I eliminate myself? How do I remove this road block? Oh no, no! I am not being suicidal. Haha!! I need someone to heal me- heal my soul. Or as a matter of fact... My mind!! I need a psychiatrist!! Or may be I just need someone to talk to. But the dilemma I face is that I CANNOT, I repeat, CANNOT TALK to ANYONE. No matter how close someone gets to me, I can NEVER confide in them. The reason, you ask? Ha! Well, the reason, my dear is, the moment I say something I really mean, something I really feel like; people stare back at me with eyes wide open as if they doubt my sanity. They think I am a lunatic. But you know, even if I, someday, find someone who understand my  apparently insane thoughts and feelings; I still might not be able to TALK to him or her. It is probably an inherent limitation. A possible cause why I write a blog. Hmm... Anyways, here is Bulleh Shah's kalam, for some reason it is spinning round and round in my head at this moment.

Tere Ishq nachaya Kar Ke Thaiya Thaiya

Cheti aa'vin Ve Tabiba, Nahin Te Main Mar Gai'yaan

Cheti Bawdi Ve Tabiba, Nahin Te Main Mar Gai'yaan

Tere ishq ne dera mere andar kiita

BHar ke zeher payala mein te aapey piita

Jhabde bhaudi ve tabiba nahin te mein mar gai'yan

Tere Ishq nachaya Kar Ke Thaiya Thaiya

Chup gaya ve suraj bahar reh gayee aa lali,

Ve mein sadkey ho'van, deven murrje vakhali,

Peeran mein bhul gayian, terey naal na gayian

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Aes Ishq De KoloN, MenuN HaTak Na Maa'ye

Laho JaandRe BeRe, KehRa MoR Liyaa'ye

Meri Aqal Jo Bhulii, Naal MahaaniyaaN De Aayi Aa

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Aes Ishq Di Jhungi Vich Mor Bolen Da

Saanu Qibla Te Kaaba, Sohna Yaar Disenda

Saanu Ghaayal Karke Pher Khabar Na Layi'yaan

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Bullha shoh ne aaNda, menooN Anayat de boohay

jis ne menooN puv'aaye, cholay saavay te suhay

jaaN meN maari hai aDii, mil piyaa hai vahi'yaa

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Tere Ishq nachaya Kar Ke Thaiya Thaiya

I am not even going to TRY to translate this and neither will I use translations available over the web until and unless I find "the one" that's best. Translating this would take away so much from it. It will be just like getting gold polished; it can shine brighter but in reality its layers will have to be scraped off.

I write irksomely long posts, you say? Yes, correct it is. But then this is my blog, I shall do as I please. Thank you. =P

Will title it later :P

Clinging to happiness as strongly as I can, for as long as I can. But eveything reverts to reality and my reality is sort of bizarre- I think I cherish my woes.

I have no idea what I just said and what did that mean. *confused*

Leaving for Hyderabad, will be back by evening InshAllah.

Godpeed- To my self =)

Fighting my demons

Dear God,


Please don't give up on me. I need you on my side in this battle against my own self. I do not understand why am I being so gullible. I am a transgressor. I am sick and tired of myself. But please You don't be sick and tired of me. Don't give up on me, please don't. I cannot fight this alone. I am feeble. I try to run away from my demons over and over again but when I stop and look around, I find myself right where I started. I am running in circles. God please, don't leave me on my own. 'Cause if you do, my doom will be inevitable. I am falling in an abyss of darkness. Hold my hand; save me from this bottomless pit. I am trapped inside quicksand, the more I try, the harder it sucks me inside it. Hold my hand; drag me out of this disaster. Just don't give up on me. Save me before it's too late. Save me before the darkness swallows me. Save me before I lose you for an eternity.


Love,


Ann

Aankhon ka rang, baat ka lehja badal gaya

Woh shakhs aik shaam main kitna badal gaya

Why are variations in tone so easy to discern? *Sighs* Had I only not been so sensitive to changes. This is probably the second or third consecutive time that BJ talked to me in such a deadpan manner. I cannot even remember doing anything wrong. The last time I called, I woke him up in the middle of the night but I am sure this is not, in any way, the reason behind his behaviour. The second last time he called, he was so abrupt and handed the phone to Pa. That was the time I noticed his expressionless tone for the first time; everything was perfectly fine before that. The most perplexing of all questions is "Why".

I hate dislike overseas residents, I am sorry! *Hmph*

It's that simple...

When others don't heal you; you heal yourself.

It's just a matter of time.

Vanity's prey

I have often wondered, and reached the same conclusion over and over again. 

It hurts most when the relations grow cold.

When relationships appear to be corpses resting in cold chambers of eerie morgues.

Spring bliss

The moonlight shines upon me and the cool breeze tickles my face and smiles away. My lips curl into an untainted smile as I inhale the scent of damp flowers at this hour of night when half the world slumbers the night away... It hits me hard how beautiful my Lord is!!! Beauties of this world are but a humble reflection of His eternal beauty.

The gentle scent of the night hinting the arrival of spring, bidding farewell to the winter chills, drives me crazy. Kailash Kher's Teri Deewani is playing in the background and making everything so much more enchanting.

It feels idyllic. I understand the feeling is momentary but I think I will just enjoy it until it lasts.

La loco ;)

*GRINS*

A silly whim just struck me.... I wanna listen to all the cheesy lovey dovey songs available to me right now!!!

*GRINS LIKE A CHESHIRE CAT*

Strayed smiles on a spring night

I'm listening to a very dainty song at this moment.... I've played it over and over again 3 or 4 times may be... And my sisters think I'm going loony at this hour of night.

Waadi-e-Ishq Se Aya Hai Mera Shehzada

It's a fairy-tale song... Cheesy, you say?? Ummmmm.... Nahh!! It's sweeeeet!! :P

*sings* Uski Tareef Haqeeqat Se Hui Kuch Zyada... Waadi-e-Ishq Se Aya Hai Mera Shehzada

P.S. I will share it as soon as I find a video of it. As of now, I just have it on mp3. *smiles*

Hearts and thoughts..

I am smothering myself.

I need to let go off myself.

I wish to vanish in thin air- for a while.

How long is a "while"?

How long is "eternity"?

How long is "never"?

There is nothing called "never", it's just long periods of "not yet". -- The Journey Of Allen Strange.

I wish to go invisible for sometime.

I would also like to throw myself into an ocean of people and not be found- until I wish to.

I was looking for reasons. Now, I have got them! Thank you! Everything fits in prefectly!

(We really should be careful of what we search for... 'cause we just might find it)

Hold my hands...

I need someone to hold me by my hand and drag me out of this; save me from drowning in the dark waters of self-inflicted misery.

I'm dying again..
I'm going under,
Drowning in you,
I'm falling forever,
I've got to break through,
I'm going under...

Yaad-e-maazi

(This is exactly a couple of years old. I wrote this when my khala died in Feburary 2008. Just found it lying in my usb.)

O DEAR FRIEND OF MINE...

I, with my solitude, am thinking, as it is all that I can do. I am going through an intense sense of emptiness. This is really strange; something is missing. For some reason, today, I desire merely the company of my solitude. I do not want to speak or vent out my feelings; I want my thoughts to stay on this path of anguish. I know the woes lessen when shared, but I do not wish to share them. I wish to remain enclosed in the self-made shell of estrangement and loneliness. I know, my dearest, you want me to break-free from this shell of agonizing thoughts. But I am sorry, I like it otherwise; I like the agony. I like the pain and grief as they sting my heart. I do not want to smile as every single moment I force myself to smile; something snaps inside me. My sight has turned blind towards the colours of life; everything is gray from now on. The streets are crowded yet, I am alone. You walk by my side dear friend, and yet, I feel deserted. All these sounds making a cacophony and yet there is a deadly silence that pierces my ears. Please leave me, my dear! Leave me to my solitude, as I wish to endure this pain, the pain… of losing a beloved for an eternity.

WeIRd-nEss ATtaCK

I am NOT SAD!!! By now, I've got weary of telling myself so. But this IS a fact! Currently, there are NO WOES chasing me. Alhumdolillah. However, I am NOT feeling very (or even a little) delightful. I am feeling very low. Feeling, as such, is not new to me in fact, it is very typical. But, there are always reaons (nevermind the lameness) behind me acting in a particular manner. And right now, I am feeling absolutely....... off the wall... outlandish... for reasons, unknown. *sighs*

Despair

Tu Meri Qaid Mein Youn Bhi Nahin Hai,

Agar Hota Tou Kya Azad Karta.......??

When I am dead, my dearest..

Death isn't a good enough distraction.

Someone died. I did not. Nevertheless, I will too. But something struck me hard a few weeks back. I saw people unaffected by as eternal a loss as a death of a beloved. Not all, but some. Our lives are too beautiful, MashAllah but is death so trivial a matter to have had enough strength to have disrupted our lives for even a little a while? It scares me. Death will, one day, conquer my life too. Will I be forgotten too? So soon?

We are so deeply immersed in the mundane affairs of this life that even death fails to digress our attention. We are busy walking on our own self-centered paths without even halting for a moment to look ahead and see where it actually leads to. We want to walk. We are not concerned whither to the roads lead. Death often stands by the pavements and watches us pass by looking all blithe and unconcerned. It stands there everyday, looks at us and curls its toes. Nothing more than a bystander, is it? It feels neglected. Just like a plagued part of our lives that we have very apathetically amputated and thrown away. But the question is, can it really be amputated? And if it can be, then do we think throwing it away is enough? Do we think it cannot grow back?

It can and it does.

Death is the most concrete reality of life. If you are ALIVE, you WILL be DEAD. Sooner or later.

When I am dead, my dearest,

Sing no sad songs for me;

Plant thou no roses at my head,

Nor shady cypress tree:

Be the green grass above me

With showers and dewdrops wet;

And if thou wilt, remember,

And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,

I shall not feel the rain;

I shall not hear the nightingale

Sing on, as if in pain:

And dreaming through the twilight

That doth not rise nor set,

Haply I may remember,

And haply may forget.

--Christina Rossetti

A Little Unwell, A Little Impaired..

But I'm Not Crazy I'm Just A Little Unwell
I Know Right Know You Can't Tell
But Stay Awhile And Maybe Then You'll See
A Different Side Of Me
I'm Not Crazy I'm Just A Little Impaired
I Know Right Now You Don't Care
But Soon Enough You're Gonna Think Of Me
And How I Used To Be... Me

It's awkward how my expectations cling to me so strongly. It's as if they are glued to me with some sort of Super Glue. If I try real hard to scratch them off,  it would peel my skin off with it and I am assuming that would be ruthlessly agonizing. This is crazy. But I am not!! My brain is merely suffering from some kind of chemical imbalance (Sidra can enlighten me on this possibilty) :)

Anyways, this song brings back sweet old memories. The last time I listened to it was when it was released. I've hummed it often but never got to listen to it again. However, I'm listening to it right now- that makes around after 8 long years. Sighs. When I heard it for the first time I thought, "Wow! This is me!!"  I listen to it now and I think, "This is still me!!" 

I haven't deviated much, have I?

Umm... Not Sad, nope!

I am NOT SAD. I only wish I knew how my life manages to change gears in mere split seconds. One nanosecond I am ecstatic and terribly bewildered, the next. Some days Everyday(unhappy or not) I wish I could pack my expectations in a barrel and fill the barrel with hefty amounts of Francium (which, I just googled out, is the most explosive element in the periodic table)  and throw it in a sea. Now, you might wonder why on earth am I wishing to use an extremely rare explosive element and not flaming it. That is because Francium reacts with water!! Duh!! =P  If not that, I wish I could throw a bag with my expectations in it in a crater of a highly active volcano and watchand scoff as the lava devours my expectations. If not even that, I wish I could fling my expectations in a crazy tornado which rips them apart ruthlessly. Or may be if I could abandon them in a scorching desert and let the sands swallow them slowly but surely.

I am NOT SAD; this is anguish only. I have a beautiful life, Alhumdolillah, for which  I can never thank enough. I just want to escape from my expectations. I wish  could have sealed them in an envelope and posted it to Never Lands. Not the Never Land that Peter Pan grew up  (Oops I forgot people did not "grow up" there) lived. But the Never Land from which nothing ever returns. I often entice myself to believe that I should not expect more from people, whatever love/care is being showered upon me by them is momentary; it will soon cease to be. I try uber hard to beguile my heart and soul and occassionally, I succeed- or I assume I do. I often drown these absurd expectations in deep waters. I stand over and watch them while they drown, air bubbles pop on the surface of those dark waters and suddenly they stop. A smirk runs across my lips as I assure myself of there demise. But suddenly a bubble pops up and proclaims my defeat; the smirk vanishes and a void adorns my eyes.

I am NOT SAD, really. I just wish not to expect anything from anyone but, wishes are wild horses, aren't they? If not that, then atleast I should let others know what I expect off them. I cannot even do that, can I?

Anyways, I am NOT SAD.

[Or may be I'm M.I.D = Majorly In Denial (as Monique puts it in Kim Possible) =) ]

Yet another blessing to be indebted for...

HAPPY!!!!!!!!

=D

I cannot believe I passed those sucky papers.

To Audit and Financial Management: "Good bye!! It was nice knowing you, NOT!! Hope to see you again, NEVER!!"

Hahahahhahahahah!!!

Thank you ALLAH Ta'lah!!!!! Alhumdolillah!! I LOVE YOU!!!! And I am sorry that I never thank YOU enough for all the blessings that you've bestowed upon me!!

And the matter of fact is....

O.K.A.Y. I really don't have time for this (blog) right now =$..... Even though I've missed blogging as I've been a little detached. There is just so much that I've to catch up with... It's been days since I visited Sidra's blog, although I did manage to post her a belated B'day wish. My dashboard screams at me for my oblivion. There is just so much stuff that has happened, and some that has not but should have, that needs to be rattled on. But not now....! Now is not the time!

Right now... I am scared.

Yes, that is it.

That is the matter of fact: I AM SCARED.

Just a few more hours.... And all these shades of grey will turn either black or white. I do not which of the two colors should I wish for but I wish for the one that makes me happy. InshAllah.

Fasten my seat belts, thank you!

Whenever I take off, it ends in a crash landing everytime. The casualties are mild at sometimes while serious at others, depending upon a few of determinants: a)The altitude b) Safety gear (if any), et cetera.  And each and everytime I hit the ground, I tell myself:  "Hmph! I am so NOT going to take off again."

I am fluttering my wings again.... *sighs* Let's see how long can I stay airborne this time and when I won't me able to hold anymore, I will try to abstain from crash landings this time and may be pull off a decent touch down trick.   =)

Fatality

Death is the most concrete verity of this God-forsaken universe and yet, we fancy everything but this. Ironic.

Priority lists, random anguish, et cetera.

You know there are times when you feel so unimportant- ranking last in the priority list of those who rank first in yours. And then sometimes, you try, in vain, to exert your importance on them by trying to ignore them; and I must say, this endeavour, other than being tremendously excruciating, is awfully fruitless. The reason being the fact that those people were not paying enough attention to you in the first place, to have noticed your new stance.

I don't know. How can we so easily let others trample our self-respect. We need to learn- to learn to separate our emotions and our self-esteem and we also need to assign them they appropriate status. And most of all, something we should never forget, we should always try our best not to relinquish our esteem for our emotions even if it demands fighting one's own self, because this is something worth fighting for.

We should just stop bothering our heads off for people who do not care for us- at all. Whereas, I also need to stop addressing my issues with a "we" instead of an "I".

Meri Zaat Zara e BeNishaan

So, yesterday I was watching a drama serial "Meri Zaat Zara e BeNishaan". I am not interested in narrating what has happened until this date... The only thing that I am interested in mentioning is what agony it impregnated me with yesterday.

Mein woh kis tarha se karon bayan
Jo kiye gaye  hain sitam yahan
Sunay kon meri yeh dastaan
Koi humnasheen na koi razdaan

Saba had been accused of infidelity by her own mother-in-law cum. aunt. She was to be cast out of the house and the  family. She tried proving her innocence- in vain. Her own husband's heart was becoming dusty with doubt. (I often wonder is it love that is omnipotent or does suspicion has a power to overthrow it.) She still had an unreasonable faith on Arfeen (her husband). She was delusional.  Her aunt pledged upon the Quran that her accusation was true. Then came her turn and when she was asked to take an oath.... She refused. There was a disbelief in all eyes, especially her aunt's. I wonder why the disbelief, they had already pronounced her an infidel. Arfeen divorced Saba right away.

Jo tha jhoot woh bana sach yahan
Nahi kholi meiney magar zuban
Yeh akelapun, Yeh udasiyan
Meri zindagi ki hain tarjuman

For a few moments, my mind was stark blank. I could not reason why did she refuse. Her refusal proved her guilty out-rightly. But then it dawned upon me. She was defeated by her own love, her own hopes and her inept faith.She watched as her world fell apart as easily as a castle made out of playing cards. Her refusal to vow, her voluntary surrender reminded me of a poem I had scribbled in my early teens.

Defeat Whispers...
Sometimes, at some places
You lose everything you ever had
You feel as if all efforts were worthless
As if all you ever believed was merely a hoax
And all you thought to real was an illusion
You feel as if you've lost the battle
Lost it, before it even began
Yes, sometimes
Everything ends before it can begin
Sometimes,
Defeat comes closer to you,
Holds you, Embraces you
And gently whispers in your ears,"I'm yours... You, belong to me"
And then, you silently retreat
Return, like a warrior
Who failed himself
Without being able to try
Who lost all he ever had.
Yes, everything...

The disbelief in her eyes does not escape my mind. She had such a formidable faith in Arfeen. He was her entire world. And her entire world came crumbling down right in front of her eyes, by sole courtesy of Arfeen Abbas. Ironic, isn't it?

Mein bataon kya mujhe kya milay
Mujhe sabr he ka sila milay
Kisi yaad he ki rida miley
Kisi dard he ka sila milay
Kisi gham ki dil mein jaga milay
Jo mera hai woh mujhe aa milay

People should never vest their hopes in people. But it's funny, how frequently we DO things that we should NEVER. And when it hurts, no one is to be blamed but our own pathetic selves. Others do not wrong us, it is we, who wronged ourselves in the first place.