Life of Ann

So bland.
So listless.
So mechanical.
Exactly in line with the standard operating procedures.
Pathetic, in short.
I need to have hobbies, interests that I can take up as leisure activities.
I'm rotting myself, and very elegantly so.
And with that thought, I shall now take leave.
I have a life, in rotting, to attend...
Cheers.
Weekends, ftw.
Ridiculous.

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Shaheed ho gaye kuch aur teray laal Hussain (as)

Jo reh gaye hain unhain ab tu he sambhaal Hussain (as)...

A hundred years

Promise me you'll never forget me. Ever. Not even when I'm a hundred, said Winnie the Pooh.

[...] I wont... If you are promising me (the same) then... I won't want to live so long, replied someone.

... *silence prevailed*

♣

In a parallel universe:

Promise me you'll never forget me. Ever. Not even when I'm a hundred, said Winnie the Pooh.

[...] I wont... If you are promising me (the same) then... I won't want to live so long, replied someone.

... Even with me?, asked Winnie the Pooh.

Day 3

And here I am, reporting from a pit of incessant gum-in-the-hair kind despair- still.

Bloody starwberry flavoured starburst!

Unwrapped, still

She got back home in the evening to see the same bag lying in the corner beside her bedside table. It caught her attention for a very brief moment, but not a single facial muscle moved to form an expression. The brief moment ended rather quickly, and she looked away; getting back to whatever she came into the room for.
-
She got back home yesterday evening, and was told a gift was awaiting her in her room. She walked into the room nonchallantly, pulled the wrapped present out of the bag, had a look at it for a moment, and left it on the bed letting out a silent sigh.

It was later returned to the  bag, and kept aside. A weight shifted on to her shoulders.

Poofy creatures, hugs, and other disasters

At times, all you need is a hug.

*sighs*

Pophoo ne eik martaba bachpan mein meri donon hatheliyaan jorr ker haathoun ka baghour  jaaiza lete huwe kaha tha ke, yeh jo ' ب ' (bay) ban raha hai na, kehte hain ke woh shaks barra bakht wala hota hai.

Uss lamhay nadaan sa zehra bohat khush huwa tha, mera tou bilkul perfect ب banta hai... kissi ne barray he rashk se soocha tha.

Aur aaj... jurri huwi hatheliyoun ke imperfect aur incomplete se ب ke saath, unki baat ka yaqeen karne ko dil chahta hai.

...

*sighs*

These pangs- they are murderous.
I need saving.

Purty, so purty, the please is.

Can I swear?

Purty please!!!

Ugh!

I want to.

I really really really want to.

I promise, I'll just curse indistinctly like Muttley.

You know who Muttley is right?

*squints at you condescendingly*

Khonay ke liye hain, aur na paanay ke liye hain
Kuch loug tou khwaaboun mein basaanay ke liye.

Has anybody ever seen a tomato grin?

Penguin

I hereby penguin-ishly declare penguin to be a verb, and an expression.

So, all you out there who believed penguin was a flightless burdie, hence a noun only, you stand corrected. Thanks to me.

Ha!

I wish I could just cease doing things that leave me feeling thoroughly absurd and ridiculous.

If only I could help being high almost always, and not be so silly- or perhaps doing exactly the opposite of it might help.

*considers earnestly*

Yes, I suppose I should remain high all the time, so that I the realisation never hits me.

That way I'd remain in a twisted bliss, others (?) yeah, no, things won't change much for them. They must continue to suffer, at my pretty hands.

So... *thinks for a second*... yeah, I should now go get more fancy bongs to interest me.

(*facepillow*)

“When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you're not here, I can't go to sleep.
Praise God for those two insomnias!
And the difference between them.”

- Rumi

Watch out: Sappiness ahead.

'Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors, and fight battles that nobody knows about.'
- Author Unknown

Teen duniya'ain

Ammi jaani, looking up from Ashfaq Ahmed's Zaaviya:

Teenoun teen alag duniyaaon mein hain...

Tumharay papa apne engineering ke bakhairoun mein,

Tum sair-o-safar mein,

Aur mein rouhaniyat ke baaboun mein...

*smiles*

I'm reading again- Niklay Teri Talaash Mein by Mustansar Hussain. Thanks to a silly friend of mine.

Oh and... Isn't tea love, the best love?

*slurps on evening tea*

Ah.

Reminds me of... sloth.

...

Weather update: Clouds giving way to some sun

Sab kuch kitna dhulla dhulla sa, ujla sa hai ab.

Raat ke pichlay pehr jo meena barasna shuru howa tou, dopehr se kuch dair qabl thamma...

Matl'a saaf tou nahin, magar sooraj ki aankh machouli achi lag rahi hai.

Kitna khoobsurat sa hota hai, baarish tham jaanay ke baad sooraj ka pehli baar abr ki oat se jhankna.

Labels

... So, I thought I should actually create a new label, called 'Out of the drafts'.
I have 72 posts lying in my drafts.
... Mhmm!

... only too familiar.

Tum aaj bhi waheen kharri ho, they over heard someone whisper to her.

The voice continued resonating in the silence, until the whispers lurking in the distance raised their heads.

She's here again? But why? May be her compass is broken. Perhaps, she's going round in circles, without knowing. It's not the compass. I think it is. Wonder why her compass acts up with her all the time? Perhaps, it likes tricking her. Or.... may be, just may be, that compass of hers is a sadist who fell for her smile. Her smile? *said some in puzzled tone* Shush! Look at her... that smile. It's... bleeding. I know- isn't it beautiful? It... It sadly is...

Silence.

Stood there- she did, still as the night- only noticeable movement being the subtle movement of her pupils, the quiver of her lashes. She could hear them speak, those voices; hushed tones, whispers, piercing her senses without remorse. She could feel them- staring at her discreetly, from the darkness.

She doesn't seem to be in good shape. What did you expect? *someone berated* She hates it- being here. Why? *someone didn't know*  It's only too familiar, of course.... 

A little too much.

I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad...

It's the irony, that's killing me....

Being the sinner that I am, I've always had it in my mind that I may not get what I pray for as easily as I would like to. However, I've always had faith in His mercy. And, He has been immensely merciful. I never thought I deserved all that I've ever had. I cannot thank Him enough. So, this isn't a complain. Not that I've any right to complain, in any case.

This is just a statement- of facts, of the way life works, and of irony.

I've always wished for a particular thing- Always. I wish I could explain to you the emphasis on 'always'. Yes, I've wished and prayed for it as much as I could've. I always hoped that Allah saa'iin would listen to me, despite all my sins. I had faith. But then again, somewhere at the back of my head, there was a fear lurking silently in a dark corner. What if.... what if my prayers go unheard; and all that only and only because of my sins. I thought perhaps the Lord might decide to punish me for my sins in this manner.

But, I was wrong. I've got what I wished for. But there's a twist (of course)...

And, the twist is.... that when I've almost got what i always wished for, I realise that I don't want it any longer. In fact, now I want not to have it!

May be it's a test. May be it's a retribution. Or may be, I am just being ungrateful.

Ephemeral pleasures, or are they?

"You've spoiled me; for anywhere else, anybody else. Do you know that?"

"What do I do now?"

"What do I do when all this ceases to be?"

"You never know, it might as well not."

"I know! And I've come to terms with it."

Remember when I asked you about that particular species of tropical plant, which I loved so dear to have it planted in my garden; but I could not because it could not thrive in this climate, in this environment.

I told you, it would die here; and then I asked you, if I should still plant it in my garden.

Remember what you said? You told me everything dies- a mother does not refuse to bear her child because one day he shall die. She simply does not do that. She, despite knowing that her child is not eternal, everlasting, and is but mortal, bears him, goes through all that agony to bring him to this world.

I told you I did not want that dear plant to die, just because of a whim of mine.

You told me, it wasn't sensible to choose to not do certain things in our lives out of mere fear of grim outcomes.

You told me, irrespective of how things might turn out, we do certain things only because they mean so much to us, and in return what we get are some very precious moments, memories.

So... I... rooted the plant.

I have come to terms with it.

I do not know, certainly, what I'd do when all this ceases to be, but... all I know, and all that matters right now, is that I'm collecting moments, memories; precious memories that would last for an eternity.

I'm not going to let even a single minute to go to waste.

There's so little time, so many memories to collect.

Better get back to work, shall we?

Maseeha'ee

Hum akser koshish karte hain lougon ko khush karne, khush rakhne ki, woh loug jo humein azeez tar hote hain.

Magar baraha aisa bhi dekha hai, ke humari har koshish be soud, har saee lahasil reh jaati hai.

Mareez tab tak roo ba'sehat nahin hota, jab tak ussay sahi dawwa na di jaaye.

Waa'ye naseeb, woh dawwa mere bas mein nahin.

Choose, my precious, you must.

'There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book', I read somewhere.

I closed the book.

I think I did.

-

I was later told, the book had been closed quite a while ago.

I don't follow.

Replace-me-not

Replace-ability.
We agreed that I had an issue with it.
And that it was an ouchiee concept.
Things are replace-able. People, not so much.
Mostly, because they should not be, not essentially.
It's violating, desecrating. 
But then, something happened- despite all agreements...
I was no longer needed.

Mujhe aisa kion lag raha tum kissi sehra se chal ker arahi ho..?
Kion?
Thakki huwi si, pyaasi si lag rahi ho...
Tabiyat theek hai tumhari?
Jee, theek hai bilkul, Allah ka shuker.

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Oblivion

I wish I knew what's going on in this little head of mine.

Khuser phuser

I wish to write- write again.

Of those voices inside my head. Voices that speak not to me, but to one another only. I am merely an uninvited audience; an eavesdropper perhaps.

But that doesn't matter.

What matters is that they've started whispering again, in hushed tones, and otherwise.

The voices, they're speaking again.

For our own good

You and I- Let's appreciate the surface only, shall we; and not bother about what's underneath?

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Jis ne apne khoon se aalam ko dhoya, woh Hussain (AS)

Hussain jis ki sad'a, la illa ha illallah.

Hussain jis ki san'a, la illa ha illallah.

Hussain jis ki dua la, illa ha illallah!

Dil hai k parhoun aaj mey Shabbir (AS) ka hamla!
Buth khaanoun pay tauheed ki tasveer ka hamla
Kuffaar pay jabbr ki shamsheer ka hamla
Shabbir ka hamla hai k taqdeer ka hamla?

- Shaukat Raza Shaukat

Musings Today

Sighs.
I fail miserably, everytime- in my attempt to see, if life's failing me, or if I'm failing it.
Either way, I'm miserable.
I feel like setting fire to things, n watch them burn, silently.

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Hussain(AS) likhna

Khuloos-e-dil ki roshnaee lay ker

Ba-deed-e-ter Hussain likhna

Tum aisa karna kitab-e-dil ke

Warq warq per Hussain likhna

Kasheed ker gulab ka arq

Fiza main peham charrak'na usko

Phir in sunehri fiza'oun per tum

Roshni ka paiker Hussain likhna

Azaan daingi tumhari aankhain

Namaz misray adaa karay gi

Tum aisa karna ke raah-e-Haq main

Hussain perh ker Hussain likhna

Haroof khushboo k phool bun ker

Tumharay seenay main khil uthaingay

Tum aisa karna k apni aankhon

Aur aapne lub per Hussain likhna

Tumharay tareek manzar'oun main

Ujalay phootaingay noor bun ker

Tum aisa karna k apnay ghar main

Darood parh ker Hussain likhna

Hussain likh ker phir usko likhna

Phir isko likh ker tum aisa karna

Ke aaj tak jo bhi likha ho

Tum uska mehwar Hussain likhna

Wo barchiyaa'n wo chamktay khanjer

Wo taptay sehra pukarty hain

Tum aisa kerna ke Karbala ke

Badan pe ja ker Hussain likhna

Ager kitabat ka shouq ho to

Kitab-e-sabr-o-raza main Rahat

Jahan shaheedou'n ka naam likhna

Tou sub se oper Hussain likhna

-Syed Rahat Hussain Rahat

Tangy nights

Here's how a midnight craving for tang goes by:

Me: Ooh i had to make you tang, din mein right?
S: Yes, you did. *frowns*
Me: Koi aur tang piye ga?
Others: *shake head*
Me: *making tang*
Me: *spots a baby roachie in the glass i had reserved for S*
Me: *brainstorming, dosra tang banaon, yahi de deti hon, ussay thori pata chalay ga, but that would be unethical, kya karoun, but then yeh zaya hojayega, pura glasss...*
Me: S... woh tumharay glass mein baby coakroach nikla pata nahin kahan se, just when i poured in the water.
S: Tou apna mujhe dedou, tum le lou cockroach wala.
Me: Magar woh tumhara glass tha.
S: Kya matlab mera glass tha, naam tou nahin likha hota.
Me: No, but i decided that was going to be yours and and this was to be mine.
S: Koi baat nahin, tum le lou, dosra mujhe dedo.
S: ... Acha dedou!
Me: *grins* Mein dosra banadoun if you don't want to drink it. *hopes to the core of the heart she says no, all hail laziness*
S: Koi baat nahin.
Me: Waise just so you don't feel bad, i took the roachie out with the spoon and then stirred my tang with the same spoon on purpose. So, that sirf tumhara tang roach wala na ho.
S: *gives a weird look, and a smile doubting my mental health*
Me: *grins*

'America he chhor aati  aap issay!'

Kuch alfaaz bazahir itne azaarda nahin maloom hotay, magar qabr ka haal tou murda he janta hai na.

*smiles*

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Metamorphosis

Aksar mehaz eik lehza he darkaar hota hai, mehaz eik lehza, barsoun puraane khuloos aur muhabbat ko nafrat mein badalane ke liye.

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Unreasonable reasoning

Only if you could truly recollect and realise how little time we have- I have...
Perhaps then only you might have discovered reason underlining my unreasonableness.

Introspect

Main tujhay chahta nahi laikin

phir bhi jab paas tu nahi hoti

khud ko kitna udaas pata hoon

gom say apnay hawaas pata hoon

janay kya dhun samai rehti hai

ik khamoshi si chai rehti hai

dil say bhi guftagu nahi hoti

Main tujhay chahta nahi laikin

phir bhi reh reh kay meray kanon mein

goonjti hai teri haseen aawaz

jaisay na-deeda koi bajta saaz

har sada nagawar hoti hai

dil ki dharkan bhi baar hoti hai

in sukoot-ashna taranon mein

Main tujhay chahta nahi laikin

phir bhi shab ki taweel khilwat mein

teray awqaat sochta hoon main

teri har baat sochta hoon main

kon say phool tujh ko bhaatay hain

rang kya kya pasand aatay hain

kho saa jata hoon teri jannat mein

Main tujhay chahta nahi laikin

phir bhi ehsaas say nijaat nahi

sochta hoon to ranj hota hai

dil ko jaisay koi dubota hai

jis ko itna sarahta hoon main

jis ko iss darjaa chahta hoon main

us mein teri si koi baat nahi

- Janisar Akhtar

Shayed hadd-e-aflaak ke uss paar bhi mein tha..

Loogon Ke Lye Saahib-e-Kirdaar Bhi Mein Tha
Khud Apni Nigaahon Mein Gunaahgaar Bhi Mein Tha
Kiun Ab Mere Mansab Ki Salaami Ko Kharay Ho ?
Yaaro Kubhi Ruswa Sar-e-Baazaar Bhi Mein Tha
Mein Khud Hee Chhupa Tha Qaf-e-Qaatil Ki Shikan Mein
Maqtool Ki Tooti Howi Talwaar Bhi Mein Tha
Chheentay Hain Jahan Ab Mere Maasoom Lahoo Ke
Uss Farq-e-Falak-Naaz Ki Dastaar Bhi Mein Tha
Meri Hee Sadaa Lout Ke Aayi Hai Mujhi Tak
Shayad Had-e-Aflaak Ke Uss Paar Bhi Mein Tha
Manzil Pe Jo Pohancha Hun Tou Maaloom Howa Hai !
Khud Apnay Lye Raah Ki Deewaar Bhi Mein Tha
Ab Mere Taaruf Se Guraiza Hai Tu Laikin
Kal Tak Teri Pehchaan Ki Mayaar Bhi Mein Tha
Dekha Tou Mein Afshaa Tha Har Ik Zehen Pe Mohsin
Socha Tou Pas-e-Parda Israar Bhi Mein Tha

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Ridic-culous!

I'm so bloody demanding.

Such gigantic attention seeker.

Pfft. I'm ridiculous.

From me.

"It looks like you need saving."

I can't say if I need saving, but you certainly do.

I need to save you- from myself.

I'm a time-bomb, and the clock's ticking. I need to get you as far as will be safe, from this explosive device.

I, on the other hand, cannot be saved. I'm a time-bomb after all, which has to but detonate. It's only fair.

Peaches

'I feel like peaches today.'
'And I feel like eating peaches.'
*A flustered look*
*A naive grin*

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Status 101- as at date.

Gratuitous, dispensable, inessential, needless, inessential, un-called for, nonessential, unwarranted.

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A speck

How tiny are you, my precious? How miniscule?

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*

Sad endings aren't so bad, I believe.

They can be comforting- some sort of a twisted consolation, perhaps.

They emphasize, in a very subtle manner, how tragedies are not such novel or unprecedented events.

Churra lo haath tou jaanain...

Woh waadi jis jagah tum ho,
Woh mere dil k andar hai-
Tumhara ab juda hona,
Tumharay bas se bahar hai.

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Dilemma

Kya humein dar apne se qareeb logoun ka dil torrnay ka hai, ya phir apne usooloun aur ana ke aaleeshan mujasmay...

All in a day's work no. 236

I, Gandhi, and Gopher busy neck deep in work.... Gandhi, in the meanwhile, also busy making absurdly cartoonish noises... Pauses for sec.
Gandhi:
'AH agar mein zyada annoying hone lagoun, I mean if you can't tolerate me anymore tou you can...
Me:
'Tou mein tumhein eik thapar maar doungee, tum fikr mat karo'
Gandhi, Gopher pause for a nanosec before going into a fit of laughter...
Gopher:
'oh boy!'
I join the fit too.

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Yeh lamha...

'Aankhon mein rehta hai
Dil he mein behta hai
Kaccha sa ek khwaab hai...
Lagta sawaal hai
Shayad jawaab hai
Dil phir bhi betaab hai...
Yeh sukoo'n hai tou hai
Yeh junoo'n hai tou hai
Khoobsurat hai, jee lene de...
Yeh lamha, filhaal jee lene de.'

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Tu samundar, mein bhatki hui piyaas hon...

'Why?'

'... Because, you- are my birdie...!'

Itni jagah kahan hai....

Lagta nahin hai ji mera ujrray dyaar mein
Kis ki bani hai aalam-e-napa'edaar mein

Bulbul ko paasbaan se na siyaad se gila
Kismat mein qaid thi likhi fasl-e-bahaar mein

Keh dou yeh hasratoun se kaheen aur ja basain
Itni jagah kahan hai dil-e-daaghdaar mein

Bay-asbaat

Kis ko fursat ke mujhse behas karay

Aur saabit karay ke mera wujood...

Zindagi ke liye zaroori hai.

Dil ki taskee'n ka poochte hain aap?
Haan meri jaa'n, hogai hogi...

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Hello there, she said.

So.... yeah.
*awkward pause*

Lol. I feel like a person amidst unfamiliar associates, or rather associates one meets up with after eons.

Well, life's the usual. One track. The track that I'm walking on despite being aware that it's the wrong track.

There used to be moments while playing NFS, when my ride used to drift 180 degrees (intentionally, or not sometimes), and then instead of turning and setting my ride in the right direction I would rather continue driving the wrong way- on purpose that is! With a continuous and annoying warning blinking in front of me, telling me that I am going in the wrong direction- The notification would blink in complete vain though. I didn't care.

There's a warning flashing in front of me now as well. A very close, a very similar warning. My reaction to it...? Exactly the same as always.

It was a not-so-good day today. I don't like being misunderstood.

I don't know what would've upset me more- being caught in a cross fire between the venting out of pent up rage, or knowing that the pent up rage was partly because of me. However, why does it matter. I came across both anyways, for all the wrong reasons nevertheless.

When you esteem people, you give them a license allowing them the ability to upset you.

At times, we end up being the most clumsy only when we are being extra careful.

At times, you try so bloody hard not to upset others, not just by your own actions but you also try to keep them from all possible things that might upset them. But then, you still end up upsetting them- and that too by your very own actions only. You might not be at fault. It might just be a mere misunderstanding. Nevertheless, they still end up upset. And then, you end up upset. And then, everything else ends up upset. And then, everybody lives happily ever after, not.

*deep breath*

Blogging has become synonymous with whining for me, it appears. All I do is express my anguish and despair. It's so heavy, the atmospheric pressure around my blog, lol. As I just mentioned it a while back to a friend, how I've started boring myself. Don't people have enough troubles in their own lives to rather read about someone else's whines, rants and ramblings. I, myself, don't watch depressing or heavy movies solely for the reason that I have enough practical bird-poo in my life to deal with, why would I want to watch the same thing in the movies.

However, this post.... *smiles* this goes out to my frien(d)zy!

Over and out.

This post chose not to have a title.

Aap udaas hona tou tarkk nahin karsakte, ke shayad aapke ikhtiyaar mein nahin. Magar haan... Agar aapki udaasi kissi aur ke ranj ka baa'is bun rahi hai tou aap apni udaasi ka izhaar karna zaroor tarkk karsakte hain.

And with that, I shall rest my case now.

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Kuch khusbu'ain, kuch aarzoo'ain

Har baar tujh se milte waqt

Tujh se milne ki aarzoo ki hai

Tere jaanay ke baad bhi meine

Teri khushbu se guftugu ki hai

Adjectives

Lonely.

Tired.

Sick.

Yupe, that pretty much describes me for now.

*a sad facepalm*

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If truth be told..

Looking at you today... I just re-realised what I'm going to part with... I reckoned my loss, and the gravity of it all, once again.

And all of it made me sad, sad to my deepest core, my friend- amidst all that laughter and frivol. The vapid smiles that I kept managing, I had to try very hard for them, very hard, you must believe me.

There are moments, during the darkest of despair, when I want to ask the 'whys', but then again I  realize that I retain no such right. So, I just look down at my feet and kick off some dirt listlessly.

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Of Birdiees and Sugar Rushes...

'Awwww meri poor birdieeee.. =('

*bats eye lashes like a 3 year old staring at some shiny sparkly stuff*

.... O bloody hell!

*dies of a blissful sugar rush, with an ear to ear grin*

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And a part of me died last night.

'Are we on the same page?'

'I can't say...'

'If we are on the same page, it'd be very scary... spooky.'

.....

'I think we are on the same page...'

-

How I wish we weren't.- or at least that you weren't on the page that I was on.

And my words left me then...

"What have we done, AH...? What have we done..."

"..........."

"What should we do now...?"

"..........."

Art movie

'Tum tou art movie bungai ho bilkul.'

'... Art movie? Kya matlab?'

'Haan, art movie- bohat he serious aur sober...'

'Achi baat hai.'

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Hisaab kitaab

Kar raha tha gham-e-jahaa'n ka hisaab

Aaj tum yaad be-hisaab aaye

...

Subha subha 'nuskha haye wafa' kaun utha ker baith jata hai yaar... *argues with self*

Glum chum, I shall be now. Hmph. Sighs.

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Shan-e-bint-e-Rasool (saww)

Bibi(SA) teri jageer hai jannat bhi, Fidak bhi,

Yeh jabl, yeh ashjaar, yeh paani, yeh falak bhi,

Bibi tere haq mehr mein shaamil hai namak bhi,

Bus teri zameeno'n pe bassi jaati hai duniya,

Sadiyou'n se faqat tera namak khaati hai duniya.

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Something about the not-so-good byes

Just received a call from Sloth...

Sloth called in to inform me that I... I am terrible with goodbyes. Lol.

Not that I wasn't aware of it. I know I am terrible terrible with goodbyes.

I just can't let go.

'I had an epiphany last night...'


'Here's the thing... You're fine with hi's and hello's... but goodbyes... you're terrible with them.'


'May be becuase goodbyes aren't as much fun as hi's and hellos!'


'Of course, they aren't. That's the natural course of hi's and hellos and byes'


'So i guess, you cannot blame people for being upset on that.'


'Darr lagta hai mujhey tumhe bye karte ho, depression mein daal deti ho mujhey...'


'May be because I plunge into the depression zone myself, and then I rub on to you...'


'It's like... hi's are normal and then when it's time for bye... you say, 'bye!' (vapidly).... and then you just die...'


-

So, I guess my emotional intelligence plunges to zero when it comes to goodbyes. Hm.

If my memory serves me right..

There used to be a tree.

Tall and beautiful. Lush and fragrant. It stood there, in that soil. With such remarkable majesty. Evergreen, t'was- never saw it shedding leaves, no sir. I never witnessed such a thing happening. The winds swirled around it like a silly lad head over heels in love. The rays of sun shined each day to caress its magnificence.

The tree, that survived the toughest of times; endured the harshest of seasons, the cruelest of storms.

Where is it now? Whatever happened, pray tell me?

The twinges portrayed in the tone of the query had it all, anxiety, inquisitiveness, apprehension, concern; everything.

A courteous, yet vapid smile crawled across your lips as you tried to recollect the past.

The sediments of bitterness were stirred to an abrupt awakening, and went berserk.

The tree... is no more.

You wished to your heart's core that your reply be adequate to satisfy the curiosity. However, the rather perplexed set of eyes before you depicted everything, save satisfaction.

A silent sigh escaped your lips, as you shook your head slightly.

The tree, you speak of my friend, happened to nest minuscule specks on its magnificent branches, which turned out to be some kind of seeds. Seeds that the naive winds brought along with them. Or perhaps, it was some of those wonderful birds that used to add a vibrant grandeur to that natural structure. I cannot say, for I was heedless in a certain manner. Too much bliss- it does that to you sometimes. 

I cannot say when they came, or where from. I cannot say how long they had been there. I only saw them when they showed themselves to me- and by then it was a little too late.

I became aware of their existence, only when they grew roots extending down from the branches. It was astonishing, or so I thought. I had never seen such a phenomenon before. They started growing aerial roots which twirled and twined around the trunk. 

I am afraid, I was ignorant and naive. I could not foresee. I did not see it coming. They were benign little seeds after all, that were to grow into benign creepers or vines perhaps. I did not know. I did not know what fate had in store.

The roots they coiled all around the tree. They grew; and they grew stronger and stronger, until they ended up strangling it. They killed my tree. 

What I perceived to be a harmless, if not mutually beneficial symbiosis turned out to be a figment of my foolish imagination, an illusion. An illusion that took away from me, for eternity, something that I cherished- rather, one of the only things I ever cherished. 

Those parasites...

The voice quavered, as if with overwhelmed emotions and a brief pause followed.

The words that followed were more nonchalant, and the tone firmer.

The tall, magnificent tree that you ask of, my friend, isn't here anymore. 

It's a memory now- A memory that, I am afraid, is fading away faster than I expected it to.

Silly Saturday

Well, I guess the Ice Age cannot really guarantee a lasting good time... the affect wore off.

It's not the movie's fault really. Those crazy animals sort of are rendered helpless if a person wants to feel nostalgic on his/her own accord.

I thought perhaps this weekend won't be like the usual. But yeah-  I was wrong!

I hate weekends.

I really do.

May be I should plan my weekends ahead, and have a huge to do list, so that I don't have time for introspect and all that silly jazz.

Just can't let go. I don't know what am I upto. Nobody knows.

I wish could bury my head in the sand for a very very very long time, and just stay like that.

Submitted my (temporary) escape application last week. I hope I get it. In desperate need to enlarge the circle I've been running in.

How do I love thee...

Let me count the ways, O Ice Age!

*chuckles*

I think I can relate to Diego. *grins*

'You did it, buddy, you kicked water's butt!'
'Nothing to it. Most animals can swim as babies, you know.'
'Yeah... but not tigers. I left that part out.'

TGIF

Notwithstanding, my new found hatred for weekends...

...Thank God!!

Showers

I don't like taking

Err... Yes, so I was saying, I don't like taking showers, and absolutely hate early morning showers. I also don't like cold showers.

But then I think today is an exception, I suppose. I took a cold shower early in the morning.... And it seems it washed away all the glum. For now at least, lol.

P.S. Yes, I was total glum when I woke up.

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Treacly twinges of bliss

'... Promise me (...), promise me that...'


*shakes head*

I'm keeping my side of the promise... I don't know why, but I am.

May be it was that intense tone. There was desperation, concern, and a few other things may be, I don't know. Whatever it was, it was beautiful.

I know it was a mundane request, but I'm keeping up to it. I know it doesn't really matter whether I did keep it or not, as I already said, it was casual request after all. Whatever it was, you put up a good show- it left me wanting to abide by your request.

Until next time

Why is it so bloody hard to let go, everytime- every single time?

I don't like good-byes.

I hate good-byes.

I know byes are only until next time, but... what if there is no next time? Who knows?

I don't want to spend my life under the shade of the bloody 'you never know' tree!

I'm so horrible with byes, even if merely until the next day. I just don't seem to be able to let go.

*agitated*

I don't care how many muscles frowning takes.

Why won't anyone ask me why I'm sad?

*hmph*

=(

Kissi ke paas waqt nahin hai ke koi mujhse kuch poochay, meri berabt baatain sunne, mujhe kuch sumjhaye. Kissi ke paas bhi.

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Kya karoun...?

Bohat thhak gayee hon mein.

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I wish there wouldn't have been any special hurry...

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.

--Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

The last unicorn is dead

Her tiny little palm rested on the cold spotless glass window, her fingers tapping to a tune inside her head.

Her head tilted from one side, to the other slowly, giving away her excitement and eagerness to get her eyes on everything possible. The sparkle in her eyes got brighter, until it turned into a twinkle. The head stopped oscillating from left to right, and now was tilted sideways on the right.

The mischief filled brown eyes had spotted something, perhaps. The pupils were glued on to something on the other side of the glass now.

And in that moment, the fingers stopped tapping, breathing was put on hold, the world ceased to exist, and the earth stood still.

That very brief moment, something sparkled in the pair of those naive eyes. A smiled crept across the cherry lips, very slowly. A dimple dug a dent in the rosy cheeks.

The preciousness of the expression was something beyond words, something right out of a fantasy.

But a brief moment it was, nevertheless.

A brief moment, before the stilled lashes quivered slightly, and the smile crept away as slowly as it came. The head was straight up now.

Her chubby little hand reached out for the little blue pocket on her yellow dress, her eyes still glued. Something clinked, before she drew a clenched fist back out. The gaze was broken as the eyes lowered  to stare at the florid palm stretched out, revealing a few randomly placed metal pieces- almost worthless.

She raised her head once again, and looked across the pane; the twinkle gone. The brown little eyes took a last good look, before letting out a muted sigh.

The gaze lowered to the palm again, and a bruised smile flickered for a split second only. The ruddy palm tilted sideways, followed by loud clinks as the metal touched the pavement.

Falling apart

Bit
by
bit...

Iztaraab

And here I am... again- in desperate need of someone, anyone.

*shakes head in disappointment*

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Umr kaise kattay gee Saif yahan
Raat kat'ti nazar nahin aati

Word of the day

Suffocation.

Of solitude and night skies...

As soothing as solitude may be, at times you do need someone to be with you, around you, just be there in any random sort of way.

They don't have to lend an ear to you, or a shoulder for that matter. They merely need to be there with you.

But at times like those, something or the other happens, and you end up being at the mercy of your own self.

It's not necessarily the people who are to be blamed really; most of the times, it's just the same ol' silly life being it's usual ironic self.

I don't want to be alone right now. But, I want a lot of other things as well, the odds of which occurring are equal to that of walking on the water.

There are times when you do not want to be left alone with your own self, because you're scared- of your very own self.

That might sound absurd, but believe you me, it is not even close.

So, for tonight I am pretty much solitary.

Everybody at home is deep under slumber's spell. Gruph, I talked with. Sheeday, will call tomorrow. Z had to call, didn't. Sloth, is off grid.

So, I guess it's me, music, and the night sky once again- old friends.

*speaks to the birdie ruffling its scruff*

What's wrong silly little birdie? Why won't you go to sleep? C'mon now, go to sleep. You'll be alright, little fuzzball.

-

Kya koi dua aisi bhi hosakti hai jis ke liye haath uthanay ki ijazat aapka dil shadeed khuwahish ke bawujood bhi na de sakay?

-

May you rest in peace, and may your families have the strength to endure such great loss. Ameen. - (In the name of the crash victims.)

Distractions

Dear Gruph,

I am sorry. I called you not because I missed you. Neither because I wanted to talk to you. Nor because I wanted to listen to you. I was not interested in what has been going on in your life, or what hasn't. As far as I am concerned, the absence of your calls and messages is adequate an indicator to imply everything is fine on your side.

I only called you up because... I wanted you to speak... so that your voice would subdue the hushed noises in my head. The haunting whispers, I wanted to shut them out, and I guess I needed your help with that.

My silence and solitude just happened to be aggravating the situation exponentially. I needed to distract my self, and you were an apt distraction, my friend.

I needed someone who'd talk and go on talking, without noticing my silence.

I am very sorry, because I feel guilty about it. I feel bad. But, I needed you, even if very ignobly.

Love,

Ann.

Not a great start for a weekend, is it now?

'You're losing points for this, you know... this tanziya mizaaj of yours...'

I never professed being a nice person really. I know how non-nice I am. But anyhow, better late than never. I'm glad you've started noticing. And this might just be the beginning... *smiles*

*whispers to herself* I wish you weren't so awful, love. *sighs with a faint smile*

Tsk.

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Past midnight blabber

Where to my precious?

That's wrong way for you, that too on a one way street.

Of white canvases and paints...

I'm making a painting in oil.... That too after eons.

I feel a little creaky and rustish though, but anyways...... *excited*

Here's a WIP snapshot...

P.S. Oil paints are such a pain when it comes to drying.... *sighs*

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Jedha vi tere dar te aye, o na kadi vi khaali jaye...

Shanaa'n uchiyaa'n teriyaa'n peeraa'n
Hovanr duur haneriyaa'n peeraa'n
Aasaa'n hain batheriyaa'n peeraa'n
Sun arzaa'n ajj meriyaa'n peeraa'n

Fragile, are we?

There rises an emotional surge or an uprising of a sort, to cave in sometimes, cave in to any and everything.

Sometimes- when you're walking on the edge; when you're a little too brittle on the inside.

When somewhere inside you a meek voice raises its head telling you that you cannot take it any longer.

When all your retaliations and rebellions switch to hibernation mode, and you are left with an odd self-defense mechanism- silence, surrender. And you look at yourself in the mirror in your head with a smirking awe; you never knew you had that potential in you, did you now?

Tsk.

It's just sad- so sad, when you realise that your absence isn't as saddening as you supposed it would be...

Of escapes, and reality checks

These past few days, in particular, it's almost as if I've been oscillating between two parallel universes; work and home.

To work, a brief escape from reality; and then back home, to the grim remembrance of a loss.

Dilemma- one of the many

At times, I actually feel the non-existence of a confidant in my life.

Someone, who isn't just willing to hear me out; but also whom I'm willing to confide in.

Finding the former isn't much of an ordeal; it's the latter that gives me a hard time really.

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Life; a means to an end...

Well, quiet literally.

I cannot recollect seeing him this tired, this exhausted before.

His eyes, so woeful; his smile, so broken.

...

Papa jaani, it is going to be alright. Time heals all hearts that bleed.

The Whos in her head

'Nahi sunu, it can go like this... ensure remediation of identified gaps and consequent updation of process and control documentation to ensure inclusion of new controls and proces...'

*interrupts the bullet train of presumed smartness with an air of grandiose indifference and inattention*

'You know, right now- in my head there are tiny people who live on a speck, from Whoville- and they are jumping everywhere inside my head.'

*utter shock of disbelief*

*gathers composure and speaks with words facepalimg themselves over and over again in incredulous ridicule*

'In my head, there was a train, jo ke ulatne wali thi but then you happened and said no no, abhi nahi... agay eik pole araha hai... ussey takra jao...!!' 

*straight outrageous fits of laughter for the next 4 minutes, followed by broken bits of chuckles*

Of swamps and hearts

The roots are spreading themselves into an intricate mesh, and holding more ground than ever. They are all over the place- weakening the very foundations of all the edifices that you once built so dearly.

What are you going to do with this poison tree that has grown in the murky swamps of your heart?

Like it used to

Waiting for that one day when all of this would actually tickle me in my guts and spread a smile across my lips which I'll try uselessly to conceal.

Respite

You are the brief warm ray of sunshine on a cold cloudy day.

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I need air... lots of fresh air.

'You should've went out for lunch- Do you want me to set you up for breakfast with gruphy?'

'Nooo! I don't want to go anywhere!' *almost yells*

'Do you want to go the outer space?' *looks intently*

'Yes! And never come back!' *traces of smile*

'How much do you like it guppy, the solitude?'

'A lot! It's amazing.'

.....

'Everything's going to be okay in the end. That's how it works- all the time.'

'Everything's going to be okay?! That's a huge claim, you know.' *smirks*

'That's how it is.'

'Theoretically, yes.'

'Theoretically, practically, actually, eventually, yes.'

*smiles faintly*

The sloppy sloth-y shrink

The sloth-y shrink lowered its specs until they nestled comfortably on the tip of its nose, and continued with a tone similar to that of a very wise wizard, 'And yes, try to smell less nice...'

The attentive patient tried to register the valuable piece of advice, however failing wonderfully at that... couldn't help but respond with an awkward gape followed by a distinct, however confused- 'huh?'

-

Ah, oh well!

I feel lackadaisical. Such a fun word it is, don't you agree?

You do?

Great.

That ends the conversation then.

Have a very good evening.

*sighs lackadaisically*

Strawberry-esque

Sloth: Kya matlab, tumhe waqai nahi mila, sara woh kha gai, seriously?

Me: *nods with a sad face*

Sloth: *surprised* Acha chalo at least you got the milk, how was the milk?

Me: Strawberry flavoured.

Sloth: ...

Me: We have to avoid the use of adjectives, remember!

Sloth: *rofl* I didn't see that coming! That was a good one.

Me: *grins and thinks to herself* I can be funny on an empty stomach.

(After a training on Business Report Writing by Shah Sahib which was of course successfully sabotaged by Renegade, and consequently went on for almost 3 hours.)