If you were to die now, in this moment; you'd die a death of a wretched person, won't you love?

I feel sorry for you sometimes.

Jab koi duusra nahin hota...

Asar uss ko zarra nahin hota 

Ranj raahat fazaa nahin hota 

Tum hamaray kisi tarah na huwe 

Warna duniya mein kya nahin hota

Naarasaaii se dam rukay tou rukay 

Mein kisi se Khafa nahin hota 

Tum meray paas hotay ho goya 

Jab koi duusra nahin hota

Haal-e-dil yaar ko likhouN kion ker 

Haath dil se judaa nahin hota 

Kion sunnay arz-e-muztarib ae Momin 

Sanam aaKhir Khudaa nahin hota

In times like these

Liz, she used to be around all the time. I know she was just a cat but believe me when I say, I wasn't so lonely with her around all the time. I used to have someone to talk to, whom I knew, for certain, won't judge me, or criticize me even if what I had to say was utter nuisance (which mostly is the case). Whom, most of all, I could cuddle, and whom I knew I could've forced into listening to me.

*sighs* Anyway. The morning has lit up. I guess I'll go back to bed now.

... Lizzie - I miss her. A lot.

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Lonely Summer Afternoons

The weather isn't as bad as it had been until earlier this week. It's sunny, but breezy. I guess I get why the weather updates kept saying, it will be pleasant this weekend.

With S and papa jaani gone on their separate little expeditions; ammi, Zizoo (she'll kill me if she finds I call her that here) and I are sort of, feeling a tad wee lonely. It's quieter around here now. Not saying papa jaani and S used to ensure a havoc back here- well I'm sure about S at least. *giggles*

Trimmed my nails. I think I clipped them a little too short, they're going to bug me a little now.

So... Do you have something to say?

Please don't say no. Say something; anything.

Dil chah raha hai koi mujhse baat baatain karay, bohat saari.

And for the same reason, I miss Gruph. She talks a lot. A lot lot! The emphasis on a lot cannot simply be over emphasized, that's all I'm saying.

I want to go meet her; and I know, she's going to get a bit out of hand and go on talking without any need for input, or response from the other party. So, basically I know it's going to be a one-way communication. But, I am desperate. *deep breath*

Lazy, lonely, summer afternoons. Sounds like a good time to read, eh?

Let's see how the day unrolls.

Adieu.

P.S. Ohhh... How do you pronounce Les Misrables? Leh-what? Lol.

I am supposed to be working.

I'm tired of being lonely.

And, I'm tired of being around people... *smiles vapidly*

Exhausted, actually - So would've I told you, had you stayed to listen.

-

Such an unsatisfied soul I have turned into.

I've lost so much. And everything that remains is fading out, slowly but surely. Allah saeen, family, friends, loved ones, inner peace, the slightest essence of life, all's lost.

Iss qadr iztaraab hai ke sumajh se baahir.

Zindagi kaise flip karjaati hai eik he dum mein youn achanak. Sambhalne ka mouqa bhi nahin deti.

I want to go back to the States. I know, coming back from there last October, I had almost sweared upon my own life never to return; but now I want to. I miss being around bj, rayyan... these are my pretexts.

Loug qurbaaniyaan kion dete hain? Kya haasil hojata hai? Izzat, aqeedat...? Aur woh jo zindagi bhar ke malaal haath aatay hain, qurbaan kiye jaanay wali cheezoun ka gham?

Dosroun ke dil tootne se bachanay ke liye, apni zindagi ki azeez tareen khwaahishat qurbaan kardi jaayn tou kya hota hai?

I've lost my zing - the factor that was me, that made me, me! I cannot concentrate on anything, anymore. Eik saraab ke peechay bhaag rahe hain hum. But can you blame us? Will you blame us?

Can you blame a weary desert traveler, beaten down by thirst and the scorching sun, for his mind's nasty illusive tricks? Can you blame him for chasing mirages, and hoping against hopes?

Hope's a nasty thing. Umeed jo marti nahin, insaan ko maar deti hai aksar.

S's in Istanbul, having loads of fun mashaAllah. She's one lucky gal. My cuddle monkey! *smiles* Knows how to get what she wants. May she always have what she wants, and for the better. Ameen.

Mein bohat zaalim hon? Nahin tou. Shayed... Nahin. Yaqeenan. Nahin yaar, mein zaalim tou nahin; bas halaat... ne aisa kardiya.

Aap khatarnaak had tak bigri huwi hain muhtarma. Aap chahti hain aapko pyaar kiya jaaye, aapka khayaal rakha jaaye, chahay aapka apna rawaiya kitna he na rawwa kion na ho. Aisa nahin hota yaar... Aisa kaheen nahin hota.

Aapko meri yaad nahin aati?

Mujhe khwaab nahin aatay... na burray na achay. My sleep, it's nothing but darkness. A vaccum, not even static. Time, wasted. I wish to have dreams while I sleep. I once asked Bambi to sell some of the many dreams Bambi sees almost every night, to me.

Mujhe neend se kya dushmani hai? Na sirf apni neend se, balke dosroun ki neend se bhi. *sighs*

Meine kya kiya hai yaar?

Kisi cheez mein dil nahin lagta - na deen mein, na duniya mein. Duniya ko tou jhoonko aag mein, yeh jo Allah saaeen aur apne beech itni duuri le aayi ho is per kion ghour nahin karti bibi?

I must go and work now. Office bhi jaana subha. Don't want to sleep, might not as well. Dinner bhi nahin kiya. *takes a deep breath*

Feel like reading punjabi poetry.

Uski muskurahat kitni pyaari hai na. *sighs and smiles*

Allah Hafiz...

Ab masla saara yeh hai muhtarma, ke duniya aapke mood ke mutabiq tou nahin na chalegi; duniya ka apna nizaam, apni marzi, apne mood.

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Of things, you never imagined living without

... Lizzie bohat yaad aati hai yaar - har waqt.

*sighs*

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Of departures and longings

I wish I could've boarded one of those flights...

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'Tum gehri neendoun mein jab soye soye ho,
Tou mujh mein jagtay ho kion...'

I miss my sillu Lizzu.

It's pathetic, how much i miss her.

What's even more pathetic and heart wrenching, at the same time, is the recollection of that night, when all I wished was for her to make it through the night n the day to break, so that I could've taken her somewhere- somewhere she could be tended to...

Death's inevitable... I just have an issue with it being so hideously painful for the dying, while others are left with no choice but to helplessly look at them die slowly n painfully.

I wish... Oh, forget it. *sighs* What does it even matter now.

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Kion dekhte rehte hain sitaaroun ki taraf hum
Jab unse mulaqaat ka waada bhi nahin hai... 

Greedy, much?

Liz

*sighs*

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Dear May,

You've been unkind to me in the most heinous ways possible. You've robbed me off things I couldn't have imagined living without. You took away things that meant the most to me. You've been brutal to me. You've hurt me. You've been unfair to me, and exceedingly so.

You have not the slightest remorse, do you? You're ruthless.

I shall never forget all that you've brought unto me, and neither shall I ever forgive.

Ann.

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"Is that all?"

“Then you and I should bid good-bye for a little while?"
I suppose so, sir."
And how do people perform that ceremony of parting, Jane? Teach me; I'm not quite up to it."
They say, Farewell, or any other form they prefer."
Then say it."
Farewell, Mr. Rochester, for the present."
What must I say?"
The same, if you like, sir."
Farewell, Miss Eyre, for the present; is that all?"
Yes."
It seems stingy, to my notions, and dry, and unfriendly. I should like something else: a little addition to the rite. If one shook hands for instance; but no--that would not content me either. So you'll do nothing more than say Farewell, Jane?"
It is enough, sir; as much good-will may be conveyed in one hearty word as in many."
Very likely; but it is blank and cool--'Farewell.”

- Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte

I think it's about time I read it again.

I miss you Lizzu Pizzu.

...  *sighs*

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0229: Wide awake

So, I woke up at this hour with, as if, a bad taste in my mouth. The bad taste of an incomprehensible annoyance, i reckon. I woke up feeling unloved, un-cherished, unsolicited(?), if I may go on to say... Exhausted. Tired. Feelings that are not even close to what I had last in my mind before I surrendered myself to slumber.

Those are outrageously berserk feelings to come across in the middle of night, right out of nowhere- me thinks.

*sighs*

I'd like to go back sleep now.

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I was putting up this hanger on the door a while ago; and as I hammered in the nails, recollections of my pretty fluffball hammered my mind.

I wish she was here to watch me, in her particular avid supervisory manner, as I worked.

You simply loved doing that, didn't you, my lil fluffball?

I miss you Liz. I miss you all the time. Mum misses you too baby.

The most mundane of every day chores remind us of you. There's not a moment that passes by, without one of us letting out a cold sigh remembering you, wishing you were here with us, with all your snowey furriness.

K was heart broken hearing about her Snowey too, Liz. She misses you too.

*sighs*

I have to work on my goodbyes.

And six hundred and eighty eight other things.

....

... Allah saa'iin!

*sighs*

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Lizzu, we miss you, my precious furball.

I wish I could shut my eyes tightly, pray to Allah saaiin for all this to be the worst nightmare, and wake up to find you cuddled into yourself beside me.

*sighs*

I wish I could return home from work, and find you there. I wish you could nuzzle with my feet, in your own sillie welcoming manner, like you did every evening.

I'm sorry Liz, I couldn't save you...

*sighs*

I need somebody...

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Elizabeth...

'Dear Allah saaiin,

Liz isn't well. She's too sick to even move on her own. She won't even open up her blue marble eyes at times. She won't even move hear ears like a radar and respond when her name's called out. She...'

An incomplete post in my drafts from yesterday. I don't have to finish it anymore, do I?

Lizzu, we're gonna miss you so bad. I'm sorry you had to go through all that pain, my furball. I'm so sorry my chouttoo baby.

Let's be honest

'Who has a right over you?'

I feel like an object all of sudden, a piece of property.

There are rights attached to me; an entitlement, yes? Like the bundle of rights, per se?

Damn you, reality checks.

Aakhir e shab ke humsafar, Faiz na jaanay kya huwe...

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Alfaaz hain ke, zehreelay lehjoun mein bujhay huway teer

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“If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap.”

Very very cheap.

Sukoon naami cheez itni nayaab kion hojaati hai baaz lougoun ki zindagiyoun mein?

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Kabhi kissi ko mukammal jahaan nahin milta
Kabhi zameen tou kabhi aasmaan nahin milta...

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All that is lost my love, you still haven't reckoned fully.

It's tragic.

My heart bleeds for you, and forever it shall.

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Sunday morning musings- right out of the bed

Mein hoon woh nang-e-khalq k kehti hai jisko khaak
Issko banna ke kiyon meri mitti kharaab ki...

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Of night, slumber and dreams on french leave.

Mere paas tou khwaab bhi nahin...

The pitch black curtain never rises after I close my eyes; losing hope, I open my eyes every morning.

Bittersweet symphony, turning a tad sour

Let me be that forgotten ornament lying in a neglected corner of the house. The one whose existence people don't notice anymore. The one nobody talks about. The ones that catch the eye of merely maid servants, every once a few days; who then pick up a duster to cursorily brush off any dust residues. Pray, let me be.

Mein bohat jaldi thaknay laggi hon ab. Chaar qadam chal ker he saans charh jaata hai.

I've become so volatile.

It's a bit too much, if you ask me. I've achieved the level where one starts to annoy one's own self.

One moment, all I crave for is solitude, while the next, it starts creeping me out. Kaheen jaanay ka dil nahin karta, aur ghar baith ker bezaari hoti hai.

Work was a get away. My dilemmas however, have started to envelope that too in dense clouds of grimness.

Only so much time left now.

'It's only a matter of time now'... someone told me. I have not looked away from the ticking hands of the clock ever since.

It's been a month now.

Lagta hai zamana guzar gaya.

Will I ever be happy again? Not that I want to be. No sir, not at all - mostly because it doesn't make a difference. It's just an objective question that I find myself asking the blank spaces around me often.

If there's something that I wish now, is to be indifferent. Not happy, (but!) nor miserable either. I want to live the rest of my life, as if riffling through the life of an independent third party. I wish not be expected anything of.

Pata nahin kya aafat agayee hai jo iss tarah behave karne laggi ho!

I'm getting sick and tired of you. I swear I am.

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Kissi ko mera khayaal nahin

Dil chah raha hai k bachpan ki tarah aaj phir iss baat per rooun k, koi mujhse pyaar nahin karta, kissi ko mera khayaal nahin.

I thought she loved me, cared about me, and hence was by my side, standing right next to me, but...

*sighs*

You grow up to find out that stars aren't exactly glitter n sparkles sprinkled over the night sky; they're goddamn dead planets or whatever celestial bodies set on fire.

Right back at you, huh?

... Guess it was just a moment, without much to it, but erratic sentimental value.

The thing with moments is that they pass away, this one sure was no different.

I lose again. Ha!

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... These pangs of deadly agony in my chest, that travel down my arms, to my wrists, and then hands. My veins, it feels as if they constrict with in a fractin of a second, resulting in nothing but sharper and deeper pangs of excruciating pain.

It hurts - from the inside out. It's tormenting.

Why won't anyone make it stop?

It hurts, goddamnit.

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Mujhey ghuttan horahi hai.
Shadeed ghuttan.

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Zindagi khaak na thi; khaak uraatay guzri...

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Ajeeb hai raat aur din ki gardish.

Lekin us'se ajeeb hain aap,  muhtarma!

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Hawwa tou nahin hai,  khaasa habs hai- wonder what blew out the candles then?
*sighs*

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I can't  breathe.
Ajeeb wehshat si horahi hai sham ke baad se. Kuch sumujh nahin araha. Bohat besukooni hai,  bohat iztaraab.
The moonlit skies look beautiful.  The underglow that the moonlight creates as the clouds glaze over it,  is but plain wonder.
Magar bas phir achanak saara manzar dhundla gaya,  roshni bikhar si gayee,  aur aankhoun mein jallan ke siwa kuch nahin raha.

I can hear the clouds roar.  They sound upset...  It's raining.

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Life, reverse blasts, Mr. Freeze and other disasters.

At time, it doesn't even allow a transitional period as it jumps from one happy moment to another miserable one. Life's weird that way. Oh, it sure is!

It sort of reminds me of something I studied back in school- digital and analogue signals/ values. Or binary data- It's 0 OR it's 1- and that's that. Or if we had to bring in the economic cycle, it would be something unlike the conventional cycle; minus the recession or recovery transitional phases.

Here, a sad attempt to illustrate it for you:

Well, on second thought, I guess they're there; so to speak. Although, they're more of something like as steep vertical drop, yes, a roller coaster drop perhaps- and ohhh! Not just any other drop; it's like the 90 degree drop of Mr. Freeze from Six Flags, to be precise.

Holy skittles! Eureka!!!

I think I just figured life out. Just as I typed the last line, it occured to me- like an epiphany. It's the new Mr. Freeze: Reverse Blast.

Damnit! I've got it all figured... *walks away slowly, mumbling to herself- flabbergasted at the discovery*

Giggly Revelations

*S, Z, and I searching for how some of the renowned designers looked like*

Search: 1 - Tommy Hilfiger
Google didn't search him for us for some unknown reason, however did give us 'people also search for' recommendations. So, we went ahead with that.

Search: 2 - Paco Rabbane
*weird face*
S: Aise tou humaray chowkidaar!

Search: 3 - Kenneth Cole
S: Aye haye! Bechara! Lagta hai ke waqai watches banata hoga!

Search: 4 - Yves Saint LaurentS: Sunkee buddha!


Search: 5 - Christian Dior
*drum rolls*
....
*flabbergasted*
Me: He's a.... man!? O_o
*weird pause*
S: He is a ganja?! And not a ganjee?!!!
*wants to faint*

And the search went on... treading along similar lines.

P.S. A draft from a few months ago.

Dear blogger,

I suppose I'll be seeing you more often now.

Ann.

Average life expectancy

Bas itni si zindagi hoti hai khushiyoun ki...

As long as it takes for an eye to open up after a blink.

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The flagbearer of wrongdoings

You somehow end up being wrong all the time.  ALL THE TIME.  How do you do it?  How do you manage?  Must be really tough,  huh?
I find it funny,  I'm so sorry,  I kinda sorta do. 
*smirks*

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You wake up and you sleep. A few murmurs in between. A sleepy smile; a grin if lucky. A recipe for fuzz.

Only if the spaces could've shrunk to a breath.

Aik aur sach

Aur sach tou yeh bhi hai ke,  kuch lougoun ko khushiyaan raas nahin aati.  Aur kabhi woh khushiyoun ko raas nahin aatay.
Tou bas phir nateeja kuch youn hota hai k,  barra mukhtasar sa saath hota hai inn lougoun ka aur khushiyoun ka.

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Mein bohat khud gharz hon shayed.  Apne dukh k aagay,  kisi aur ka dukh,  kisi aur ki pareshaani koi maaene he nahin rakhti.
Saari duniya aag ki laptoun mein jhulas rahi hai tou kya? Mujhe tou bas apni ragoun mein uth'ti huwi teesoun ki azeeyat ka ehsaas,  aur kuch nahin,  kuch bhi nahin.
Ya shayed,  bohat behiss hon.  Behissi k aala tareen darje per faaiz.
...  *smiles*

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The last laugh

Who's laughing now?

Tou kya sab khatam hogaya?

*smiles*

Kitna bewaqoofana sawaal hai... But can I blame you, my precious? *shakes head* Beyaqeeni hai ke khatam he nahin honay mein aati...

Eik lehze mein paaon ke neeche se zameen khenchi gayee... kuch pata he na chala. Itni taizi se ke, abhi tou nuqsaan ka andaaza bhi nahin ho paaya theek theek.

Har guzarta din eik nayye nuqsaan ka ehsaas liye howe aayega ab tou.

.... *shakes head*

Hai youn bhi ziyaan aur youn bhi ziyaan...

Kuch din tou basso meri aankhon main
Phir khawab agar ho jao tou kya

Koi rung tou do mere chehray ko
Phir zakham agar mehkao tou kya

Ik aaina tha so toot gaya
Ab khud se agar sharmao tou kya

Main tanha tha, main tanha hoon
Tum aao tou kya, Na aao tou kya

Jab hum he na mehkay phir sahib
Tum baad-e-saba kehlao tou kya

Jab daikhnay wala koi nahin
Bujh jao tou kya, jal jao tou kya

Eik weham hai yeh duniya is mein
Kuch kho'o tou kya aur paao tou kya

Hai youn be ziyaan aur youn bhi ziyaan
Jee jao tou kya mar jaao tou kya...

-Obaidullah Aleem

Saturday night sighs.

This!

Is as close as it gets.

*smiles half-heartedly*

Meeloun ke faaslay tou tay kiye jasakte hain, magar sawal yeh hai ke naseeboun ke faaslay kis tarah tay hon?

Saturday night musings

Haven't felt so empty in a very long time. So hollow, so weightless. Things would have been so much easier had I been not such a goddamn attention craving creature.
*shakes head and smiles*
The tragedy of my life is that I somehow cannot find someone to blame, but myself... Every time, every.... time.
Why do I have to be so insatiable when it comes to affection and care? There is only so much people can give away... *smirks* And suddenly, I make it sound like alms, and not love.

-

The clenched fist you hold in front of yourself, you are afraid of opening it, aren't you? Almost as if you are afraid whatever you were holding on to so tightly shall not be there any longer. And truth be told, my precious, it isn't there, is it now? You know it too, don't you? That whisper you keep drowning in your noisy delusions, it keeps popping its head up every now and then. You'll have to lend it an ear sooner or later, love- sooner or later.

Rah e hasti ke iss jalte safar mein
Tumhari yaad ka saaya bohat hai...

P.S. Absolutely adore the Dil e Muztar OST.

Pata nahin kahan se eik dum he itni saari udaasi aakar kissi gard alood hawa k jhonke ki tarah apni lapait mein le kar saara wujood matti matti kardeti hai...
*sighs*

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Iztaraab dar iztaraab.

Aur wajah? Nadaarad.

*shakes head and smiles vapidly*

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Heart, diving boards, and other absurd things.

Heart's been taking plunges lately. Irrespective of the brevity, it gets soaked pretty bad, in the slimy substance that the unidentified woes are made of.

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Maps, distances, and other funny things

It's funny how distances work...

I have come to realise physical distances might not matter so much after all. They do in the end however, since we are insatiable beings, always wanting more. But that's another story altogether, so let's keep it at that.

 People have been farther away and I've missed them less than I miss them now, when they're nearer. I say nearer because that's what running my fingers over the maps tell me.

*smiles*

I hate him.

I know I shall regret documenting this thought one day... but right now, it is all I know- all I can think of.

Itna bay'hiss koi kaise hosakta hai.

Life of Ann

So bland.
So listless.
So mechanical.
Exactly in line with the standard operating procedures.
Pathetic, in short.
I need to have hobbies, interests that I can take up as leisure activities.
I'm rotting myself, and very elegantly so.
And with that thought, I shall now take leave.
I have a life, in rotting, to attend...
Cheers.
Weekends, ftw.
Ridiculous.

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Shaheed ho gaye kuch aur teray laal Hussain (as)

Jo reh gaye hain unhain ab tu he sambhaal Hussain (as)...

A hundred years

Promise me you'll never forget me. Ever. Not even when I'm a hundred, said Winnie the Pooh.

[...] I wont... If you are promising me (the same) then... I won't want to live so long, replied someone.

... *silence prevailed*

♣

In a parallel universe:

Promise me you'll never forget me. Ever. Not even when I'm a hundred, said Winnie the Pooh.

[...] I wont... If you are promising me (the same) then... I won't want to live so long, replied someone.

... Even with me?, asked Winnie the Pooh.

Day 3

And here I am, reporting from a pit of incessant gum-in-the-hair kind despair- still.

Bloody starwberry flavoured starburst!

Unwrapped, still

She got back home in the evening to see the same bag lying in the corner beside her bedside table. It caught her attention for a very brief moment, but not a single facial muscle moved to form an expression. The brief moment ended rather quickly, and she looked away; getting back to whatever she came into the room for.
-
She got back home yesterday evening, and was told a gift was awaiting her in her room. She walked into the room nonchallantly, pulled the wrapped present out of the bag, had a look at it for a moment, and left it on the bed letting out a silent sigh.

It was later returned to the  bag, and kept aside. A weight shifted on to her shoulders.

Poofy creatures, hugs, and other disasters

At times, all you need is a hug.

*sighs*

Pophoo ne eik martaba bachpan mein meri donon hatheliyaan jorr ker haathoun ka baghour  jaaiza lete huwe kaha tha ke, yeh jo ' ب ' (bay) ban raha hai na, kehte hain ke woh shaks barra bakht wala hota hai.

Uss lamhay nadaan sa zehra bohat khush huwa tha, mera tou bilkul perfect ب banta hai... kissi ne barray he rashk se soocha tha.

Aur aaj... jurri huwi hatheliyoun ke imperfect aur incomplete se ب ke saath, unki baat ka yaqeen karne ko dil chahta hai.

...

*sighs*

These pangs- they are murderous.
I need saving.

Purty, so purty, the please is.

Can I swear?

Purty please!!!

Ugh!

I want to.

I really really really want to.

I promise, I'll just curse indistinctly like Muttley.

You know who Muttley is right?

*squints at you condescendingly*

Khonay ke liye hain, aur na paanay ke liye hain
Kuch loug tou khwaaboun mein basaanay ke liye.

Has anybody ever seen a tomato grin?

Penguin

I hereby penguin-ishly declare penguin to be a verb, and an expression.

So, all you out there who believed penguin was a flightless burdie, hence a noun only, you stand corrected. Thanks to me.

Ha!

I wish I could just cease doing things that leave me feeling thoroughly absurd and ridiculous.

If only I could help being high almost always, and not be so silly- or perhaps doing exactly the opposite of it might help.

*considers earnestly*

Yes, I suppose I should remain high all the time, so that I the realisation never hits me.

That way I'd remain in a twisted bliss, others (?) yeah, no, things won't change much for them. They must continue to suffer, at my pretty hands.

So... *thinks for a second*... yeah, I should now go get more fancy bongs to interest me.

(*facepillow*)

“When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you're not here, I can't go to sleep.
Praise God for those two insomnias!
And the difference between them.”

- Rumi

Watch out: Sappiness ahead.

'Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors, and fight battles that nobody knows about.'
- Author Unknown

Teen duniya'ain

Ammi jaani, looking up from Ashfaq Ahmed's Zaaviya:

Teenoun teen alag duniyaaon mein hain...

Tumharay papa apne engineering ke bakhairoun mein,

Tum sair-o-safar mein,

Aur mein rouhaniyat ke baaboun mein...

*smiles*

I'm reading again- Niklay Teri Talaash Mein by Mustansar Hussain. Thanks to a silly friend of mine.

Oh and... Isn't tea love, the best love?

*slurps on evening tea*

Ah.

Reminds me of... sloth.

...

Weather update: Clouds giving way to some sun

Sab kuch kitna dhulla dhulla sa, ujla sa hai ab.

Raat ke pichlay pehr jo meena barasna shuru howa tou, dopehr se kuch dair qabl thamma...

Matl'a saaf tou nahin, magar sooraj ki aankh machouli achi lag rahi hai.

Kitna khoobsurat sa hota hai, baarish tham jaanay ke baad sooraj ka pehli baar abr ki oat se jhankna.

Labels

... So, I thought I should actually create a new label, called 'Out of the drafts'.
I have 72 posts lying in my drafts.
... Mhmm!

... only too familiar.

Tum aaj bhi waheen kharri ho, they over heard someone whisper to her.

The voice continued resonating in the silence, until the whispers lurking in the distance raised their heads.

She's here again? But why? May be her compass is broken. Perhaps, she's going round in circles, without knowing. It's not the compass. I think it is. Wonder why her compass acts up with her all the time? Perhaps, it likes tricking her. Or.... may be, just may be, that compass of hers is a sadist who fell for her smile. Her smile? *said some in puzzled tone* Shush! Look at her... that smile. It's... bleeding. I know- isn't it beautiful? It... It sadly is...

Silence.

Stood there- she did, still as the night- only noticeable movement being the subtle movement of her pupils, the quiver of her lashes. She could hear them speak, those voices; hushed tones, whispers, piercing her senses without remorse. She could feel them- staring at her discreetly, from the darkness.

She doesn't seem to be in good shape. What did you expect? *someone berated* She hates it- being here. Why? *someone didn't know*  It's only too familiar, of course.... 

A little too much.

I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad...

It's the irony, that's killing me....

Being the sinner that I am, I've always had it in my mind that I may not get what I pray for as easily as I would like to. However, I've always had faith in His mercy. And, He has been immensely merciful. I never thought I deserved all that I've ever had. I cannot thank Him enough. So, this isn't a complain. Not that I've any right to complain, in any case.

This is just a statement- of facts, of the way life works, and of irony.

I've always wished for a particular thing- Always. I wish I could explain to you the emphasis on 'always'. Yes, I've wished and prayed for it as much as I could've. I always hoped that Allah saa'iin would listen to me, despite all my sins. I had faith. But then again, somewhere at the back of my head, there was a fear lurking silently in a dark corner. What if.... what if my prayers go unheard; and all that only and only because of my sins. I thought perhaps the Lord might decide to punish me for my sins in this manner.

But, I was wrong. I've got what I wished for. But there's a twist (of course)...

And, the twist is.... that when I've almost got what i always wished for, I realise that I don't want it any longer. In fact, now I want not to have it!

May be it's a test. May be it's a retribution. Or may be, I am just being ungrateful.

Ephemeral pleasures, or are they?

"You've spoiled me; for anywhere else, anybody else. Do you know that?"

"What do I do now?"

"What do I do when all this ceases to be?"

"You never know, it might as well not."

"I know! And I've come to terms with it."

Remember when I asked you about that particular species of tropical plant, which I loved so dear to have it planted in my garden; but I could not because it could not thrive in this climate, in this environment.

I told you, it would die here; and then I asked you, if I should still plant it in my garden.

Remember what you said? You told me everything dies- a mother does not refuse to bear her child because one day he shall die. She simply does not do that. She, despite knowing that her child is not eternal, everlasting, and is but mortal, bears him, goes through all that agony to bring him to this world.

I told you I did not want that dear plant to die, just because of a whim of mine.

You told me, it wasn't sensible to choose to not do certain things in our lives out of mere fear of grim outcomes.

You told me, irrespective of how things might turn out, we do certain things only because they mean so much to us, and in return what we get are some very precious moments, memories.

So... I... rooted the plant.

I have come to terms with it.

I do not know, certainly, what I'd do when all this ceases to be, but... all I know, and all that matters right now, is that I'm collecting moments, memories; precious memories that would last for an eternity.

I'm not going to let even a single minute to go to waste.

There's so little time, so many memories to collect.

Better get back to work, shall we?

Maseeha'ee

Hum akser koshish karte hain lougon ko khush karne, khush rakhne ki, woh loug jo humein azeez tar hote hain.

Magar baraha aisa bhi dekha hai, ke humari har koshish be soud, har saee lahasil reh jaati hai.

Mareez tab tak roo ba'sehat nahin hota, jab tak ussay sahi dawwa na di jaaye.

Waa'ye naseeb, woh dawwa mere bas mein nahin.

Choose, my precious, you must.

'There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book', I read somewhere.

I closed the book.

I think I did.

-

I was later told, the book had been closed quite a while ago.

I don't follow.

Replace-me-not

Replace-ability.
We agreed that I had an issue with it.
And that it was an ouchiee concept.
Things are replace-able. People, not so much.
Mostly, because they should not be, not essentially.
It's violating, desecrating. 
But then, something happened- despite all agreements...
I was no longer needed.

Mujhe aisa kion lag raha tum kissi sehra se chal ker arahi ho..?
Kion?
Thakki huwi si, pyaasi si lag rahi ho...
Tabiyat theek hai tumhari?
Jee, theek hai bilkul, Allah ka shuker.

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Oblivion

I wish I knew what's going on in this little head of mine.

Khuser phuser

I wish to write- write again.

Of those voices inside my head. Voices that speak not to me, but to one another only. I am merely an uninvited audience; an eavesdropper perhaps.

But that doesn't matter.

What matters is that they've started whispering again, in hushed tones, and otherwise.

The voices, they're speaking again.

For our own good

You and I- Let's appreciate the surface only, shall we; and not bother about what's underneath?

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Jis ne apne khoon se aalam ko dhoya, woh Hussain (AS)

Hussain jis ki sad'a, la illa ha illallah.

Hussain jis ki san'a, la illa ha illallah.

Hussain jis ki dua la, illa ha illallah!

Dil hai k parhoun aaj mey Shabbir (AS) ka hamla!
Buth khaanoun pay tauheed ki tasveer ka hamla
Kuffaar pay jabbr ki shamsheer ka hamla
Shabbir ka hamla hai k taqdeer ka hamla?

- Shaukat Raza Shaukat

Musings Today

Sighs.
I fail miserably, everytime- in my attempt to see, if life's failing me, or if I'm failing it.
Either way, I'm miserable.
I feel like setting fire to things, n watch them burn, silently.

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Hussain(AS) likhna

Khuloos-e-dil ki roshnaee lay ker

Ba-deed-e-ter Hussain likhna

Tum aisa karna kitab-e-dil ke

Warq warq per Hussain likhna

Kasheed ker gulab ka arq

Fiza main peham charrak'na usko

Phir in sunehri fiza'oun per tum

Roshni ka paiker Hussain likhna

Azaan daingi tumhari aankhain

Namaz misray adaa karay gi

Tum aisa karna ke raah-e-Haq main

Hussain perh ker Hussain likhna

Haroof khushboo k phool bun ker

Tumharay seenay main khil uthaingay

Tum aisa karna k apni aankhon

Aur aapne lub per Hussain likhna

Tumharay tareek manzar'oun main

Ujalay phootaingay noor bun ker

Tum aisa karna k apnay ghar main

Darood parh ker Hussain likhna

Hussain likh ker phir usko likhna

Phir isko likh ker tum aisa karna

Ke aaj tak jo bhi likha ho

Tum uska mehwar Hussain likhna

Wo barchiyaa'n wo chamktay khanjer

Wo taptay sehra pukarty hain

Tum aisa kerna ke Karbala ke

Badan pe ja ker Hussain likhna

Ager kitabat ka shouq ho to

Kitab-e-sabr-o-raza main Rahat

Jahan shaheedou'n ka naam likhna

Tou sub se oper Hussain likhna

-Syed Rahat Hussain Rahat

Tangy nights

Here's how a midnight craving for tang goes by:

Me: Ooh i had to make you tang, din mein right?
S: Yes, you did. *frowns*
Me: Koi aur tang piye ga?
Others: *shake head*
Me: *making tang*
Me: *spots a baby roachie in the glass i had reserved for S*
Me: *brainstorming, dosra tang banaon, yahi de deti hon, ussay thori pata chalay ga, but that would be unethical, kya karoun, but then yeh zaya hojayega, pura glasss...*
Me: S... woh tumharay glass mein baby coakroach nikla pata nahin kahan se, just when i poured in the water.
S: Tou apna mujhe dedou, tum le lou cockroach wala.
Me: Magar woh tumhara glass tha.
S: Kya matlab mera glass tha, naam tou nahin likha hota.
Me: No, but i decided that was going to be yours and and this was to be mine.
S: Koi baat nahin, tum le lou, dosra mujhe dedo.
S: ... Acha dedou!
Me: *grins* Mein dosra banadoun if you don't want to drink it. *hopes to the core of the heart she says no, all hail laziness*
S: Koi baat nahin.
Me: Waise just so you don't feel bad, i took the roachie out with the spoon and then stirred my tang with the same spoon on purpose. So, that sirf tumhara tang roach wala na ho.
S: *gives a weird look, and a smile doubting my mental health*
Me: *grins*

'America he chhor aati  aap issay!'

Kuch alfaaz bazahir itne azaarda nahin maloom hotay, magar qabr ka haal tou murda he janta hai na.

*smiles*

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Metamorphosis

Aksar mehaz eik lehza he darkaar hota hai, mehaz eik lehza, barsoun puraane khuloos aur muhabbat ko nafrat mein badalane ke liye.

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Unreasonable reasoning

Only if you could truly recollect and realise how little time we have- I have...
Perhaps then only you might have discovered reason underlining my unreasonableness.

Introspect

Main tujhay chahta nahi laikin

phir bhi jab paas tu nahi hoti

khud ko kitna udaas pata hoon

gom say apnay hawaas pata hoon

janay kya dhun samai rehti hai

ik khamoshi si chai rehti hai

dil say bhi guftagu nahi hoti

Main tujhay chahta nahi laikin

phir bhi reh reh kay meray kanon mein

goonjti hai teri haseen aawaz

jaisay na-deeda koi bajta saaz

har sada nagawar hoti hai

dil ki dharkan bhi baar hoti hai

in sukoot-ashna taranon mein

Main tujhay chahta nahi laikin

phir bhi shab ki taweel khilwat mein

teray awqaat sochta hoon main

teri har baat sochta hoon main

kon say phool tujh ko bhaatay hain

rang kya kya pasand aatay hain

kho saa jata hoon teri jannat mein

Main tujhay chahta nahi laikin

phir bhi ehsaas say nijaat nahi

sochta hoon to ranj hota hai

dil ko jaisay koi dubota hai

jis ko itna sarahta hoon main

jis ko iss darjaa chahta hoon main

us mein teri si koi baat nahi

- Janisar Akhtar

Shayed hadd-e-aflaak ke uss paar bhi mein tha..

Loogon Ke Lye Saahib-e-Kirdaar Bhi Mein Tha
Khud Apni Nigaahon Mein Gunaahgaar Bhi Mein Tha
Kiun Ab Mere Mansab Ki Salaami Ko Kharay Ho ?
Yaaro Kubhi Ruswa Sar-e-Baazaar Bhi Mein Tha
Mein Khud Hee Chhupa Tha Qaf-e-Qaatil Ki Shikan Mein
Maqtool Ki Tooti Howi Talwaar Bhi Mein Tha
Chheentay Hain Jahan Ab Mere Maasoom Lahoo Ke
Uss Farq-e-Falak-Naaz Ki Dastaar Bhi Mein Tha
Meri Hee Sadaa Lout Ke Aayi Hai Mujhi Tak
Shayad Had-e-Aflaak Ke Uss Paar Bhi Mein Tha
Manzil Pe Jo Pohancha Hun Tou Maaloom Howa Hai !
Khud Apnay Lye Raah Ki Deewaar Bhi Mein Tha
Ab Mere Taaruf Se Guraiza Hai Tu Laikin
Kal Tak Teri Pehchaan Ki Mayaar Bhi Mein Tha
Dekha Tou Mein Afshaa Tha Har Ik Zehen Pe Mohsin
Socha Tou Pas-e-Parda Israar Bhi Mein Tha

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