13th Rajab

 Safar Taweel Hai, Raah-e-Nijat Chotti Hai
Ali(AS) Ka Zikr Bohat Hai, Hayat Chotti Hai
Ali(AS) Ko Kaise Mein Moula-e-Kainaat Kahon
Bara Hai Naam-e-Ali(AS) Kainaat Chotti Hai...

Wiladat-e-Moula Ali(AS) Mubarak =)

Conundrums and other fuzooliyaat

Main Entry: co·nun·drum

Pronunciation: \kə-ˈnən-drəm\

Function: noun

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 1645

1 : a riddle whose answer is or involves a pun
2 a : a question or problem having only a conjectural answer b : an intricate and difficult problem

God forbid, but happiness is unhealthy for my blog. When I am not sad *does that mean I am happy?*, I do not have the slightest idea what to write about. And actually, it's not even despair that brings out the creativity in me.

*Disruptions: You want to know what it is? Why would you want to know? Who are you anyways?*

Anyhow, despair, anxiety or  hurt are not feelings powerful enough to derive me to write something 'nice'. What creates magic is "bitterness"!

I, often, lead myself to believe that perhaps, I am in love with my sorrows. *Is that something like self-pity?* Sighs. Or may be, they have become very dear to me because I have grown more intimate with them. BUT, the plain-vanilla-kind sadness does not interest me. I like my cake of despair drenched in the dark chocolate syrup of bitterness. I like being stingy.

I am afraid I am sprinting on the path to insanity. My heart and mind seem to be a battleground for Armageddon, that is fought on a daily basis (nearly). I want to climb on the highest mountain only and only so that I can scream my lungs out for once, just for once. Ugh!

I want to slap someone, anyone. Uh? What the hell is wrong with me? I started writing this in a fairly good mood  but now.. I am not sure if it is still in that condition! How about I slap myself? *chataakhh*

*chuckles* I think I am just bored.

P.S. Choose any of the two definitions, you will get me anyway (or not). *smiles*

Finding my Daemon..

Your result for The Golden Compass Daemon Test...

Multi-Faceted Soul

In a way, you are a truly balanced person. You have a good sense of self, but you have periods of worry and self doubt. You don't like to be alone a lot, but you don't like being constantly surrounded, either. You can be shy in some situations and bold in others. You can tell people how you feel, but you don't wear your heart on your sleeve. You aren't "TOO" anything: You aren't too shy, you aren't too aggressive, you aren't too extroverted, you aren't too introverted. However at any one time you can be any combination of these things.

You tend to adapt yourself to match the situations in which you find yourself. You may be quiet and sensitive with some people, or joking and loud with others. These are all facets of your personality. People tend to perceive you as they want to perceive you. They may even tend to idealize you a bit. Then, when you do something that doesn't fit their concept of who you are (like have an outburst of anger, or a fit of shyness, or make an insensitive joke)they can be shocked and surprised. Does anyone know the real you?

Your daemon would represent your multi-faceted and ever-changing personality, as well as people's tendency to idealize you. He or she would get angry when you did not, be calm and poised when you felt ruffled and anxious, and always be the voice of emotion and reason in your ear.

Suggested forms:
Swan, Elephant, Koala, Panda, Chameleon, Wolf.

(Courtest: HelloQuizzy)


P.S. I think this is me. I think if we could really have our Daemons, I would not have needed people. I am not a people's person anyways except just a few whom I like being crazy with. Oh and by the way, I scored 79% higher than my peers on "Sensitivity Analysis". (The new software that I installed for indifference is malfunctioning again, I guess. Too bad)

For Papa Jani, With Lots Of love.

There is only about an hour left for the day to pass away. It is Father's Day, right. First of all, I am not a very big fan of associating particular days with particular relations and especially with relations as ethereal as that pf parents. However, I will do this Happy Father's Day thing. So, until I am done with this testimonial of mine the date would have passed but umm.. I'm running my clock on the Brazilian standard time for the time being. =) Because... My father is in Brazil these days, silly. Hehehe.

My father. My papa, actually and baba for my bhai-jaans. I will not say anything about being a good daughter 'cause I really doubt that possibility. But my papa jani is the best father that a person like me could have got. I am a very sinful person yet Allah Sa'in's mercy and bounty knows no limits. I am this horrible person who has a high tendency to hurt those who love me and even those whom I love. I tend to hurt others for no reason that relates to them. It is crazy with me.

There are times when even my ami jani finds me hopeless and just shrugs her shoulders at me, walks away and stops speaking to me. It really hurts. It hurts because I am an attention seeker. I throw tantrums because I want people (who love me, of course) to prove to me time and again that they love me. Demented, you think? You have a right to say that because I agree with that proposition. Love is never enough for me, I always want more. I think that is some kind of complex too however, I have no idea how it became a part of my personality. I am flawed and this trait is one of the the most major flaws.

My papa on the other hand, is always always always ready to welcome my tantrums with open arms. When I am annoyed and I act all serious and grave. It bugs him. He starts asking me what's up with me. I, of course, do not give him a satisfactory answer and then he starts questioning my mother about me. He does not rest until he finally succeeds at making me smile (laugh most of the times).

I bet it is only him who can make me laugh in the most grim-est of moods. He has something in him... He makes some weird faces that are usually an imitation of my weird face.. He says some stuff and he makes it so hard not to laugh or smile. Then I usually give him a tight hug and rush into my room or the bathroom and start crying and curse myself for causing my parents so much pain.

There is this idiom in urdu "jaan chirakna", I have got a father who literally does that. We even have fights. Almost always I am wrong but those very few times when he is wrong he literally comes to me and tries to appease me.

Oh God! Papa you are spoiling me. You know what scares me? What scares me most is the fact that I have been pampered and loved so lavishly but my papa will not always be with me. I will have to marry and be with someone else. This extravagant love showered upon me has made me lose the sense of balance between things. I look at everybody wearing the same specs that I use to look at my father. I presume unreasonably that those who love me will love me with the same intensity. But this is not true.

When I look at my father, my parents actually I thank God for he has blessed me but when I look at myself I realise that they might not be as lucky  to have me as I am to have them in my life. I love you, papa. And I am missing you these days. FIFA is no fun without you, however I will watch it and update you. I am not even watching the Asian Cup. I am glad that we watched French Open together, by the way I don't like Serena Williams at all- I have no idea why you like her! Hmph!

Allah Sa'iin, I am really sorry. Please forgive me. I have been bad over and over again. I have sought your mercy and yet committed the same sins again and again. I have no idea how you forgive me. All I know is that though my sins make a hideous heap but the mountain of your mercy is always always taller. But Allah Sa'iin this time forgive me in a way so that I may never return to the filthy waters of vices. I am sorry.

I love you, Papa.  From your chhota driver.

A dream deferred...

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up 

like a raisin in the sun? 

Or fester like a sore-- 

And then run? 

Does it stink like rotten meat? 

Or crust and sugar over-- 

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags 

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

-Langston Hughes

Do you dream? Do you hold them close to your heart? Are your dreams the paint brushes that colour your life? Do you believe in them? Do you still?

I don't.

For me, dreams are like stars. When you are a child, you look up at them and smile. Their twinkle creates a mirror image in your eyes. You wish to touch them so that some of their shimmer might stick to your fingers and then you can brush your face gently and glitter like a star itself. But once you grow up, the truth is slapped onto you. The stars are nothing but huge spheres of very hot, glowing gases. First of all, you cannot touch them and even if you somehow do, you will burn yourself.

There is something else common between them as well. Their death. When stars die, they explode into trillions of pieces and go flying haywire in the space, hit whatever comes in their path, destroy (or damage) others; or just get lost in the eternal vastness of the universe. When dreams die, they too shatter into billion little sharp pieces. But they don't fly away, they stay put- in your eyes, and prick them, and sting them for as long as they can. They are like tiny pieces of glass stuck in your eyes. Each time you blink, they make it hurt.

Stars are just a hoax. Their shine, their twinkle lasts only as long as you are gazillions of miles away from them. They are nothing but giant burning balls, oblivious and orbit-less. They are a sham. And so are dreams.

Filmain Shilmain... Gaane Waane..

Let's not whine for a while. Let's talk about Bollywood movies and how cheesy Bollywood songs get sometimes and yet how they still manage to make your feet thump to those tunes. =) Okay.... As a kid my fav heroes used to be the three Khans and.... Rahul Roy. Some of you might not even know who Rahul Roy is and those of you who know him must have started squinting at that name and must have read it again to ensure that Rahul Roy is what they read. Lol. Guilty pleasures of childhood. "Baadalon Mein Chhup Raha Hai Chaand Kion... Apne Husn Ki Ziya Se Pooch Lo.." *hums* Yes, that is my favourite song- abhi tak. Anyways, now whenever I remember liking him I go all... Eww... Hahaha.

So yes, Shahrukh Khan was also one of my crushes. I remember having a guy in my school, a 10th grader probably, on whom I and my friends had a major crush because he looked like Shahrukh Khan (please note by that we were merely 3rd or 4th graders then) *blushes* I liked all SRK movies, even the most crummy ones. I adored Baazigar especially. "Yeh Kaali Kaali Ankhain.. Tu Ru Ru.. Tu Ru Ru... Lalalala..." Oh and by the way, I heard this song today which I also used to like as a child "Dekhi Nahi Kabhi.. Aisi Deewangi.. Meine.. Is Liye.. Hans Ke.. Pyar Se.. Jaanejana.. Deewana.. Tera Naaaaaaaam Rakh Diya... Tera Naam Rakh Diya...." =D

Oh and woh batana tu bhool he gayee... Guess how many times I watched Satte pe Satta? Let me tell you... Umm... Sorry, I lost count ages ago... Hehehe. Khair another song that I used to like was "Churra Ke Dil Meraaaaa... Goriya Chali.. Turururu..." ;) Other than that, I liked Akshaye Khanna for some reason too... Oh I love that song too... "Aiinaa Bata Kaise Unka Dil Churana Aaj Phir Akele Mein Unse Milna Jana Hai... Muhabbat Hai.. Muhabbat Hai.."

Oh how much I loved DDLJ and Hum Aapke Hain Kaun... Salman Khan.... *sighs* I have gotten over Shahrukh Khan but Sallu... Nah! Haven't gotten over him. Somehow that song popped in my mind achanak se, "Hojata Hai Kaise Pyar.. Na Jaane Koi.. Na Jaane Koi.." I cannot remember this movie's name but I remember watching this movie many times as well. Most people of my age, might not be aware of these songs as they age back to when we were teeny meeny but I was made aware of them because of my elder brothers, cousins and the rest of the family. This is nothing. I know songs dated back to 50's and 60's.

Oh how we used to listen to Indian pop music. Once upon a time, we and my cousins used to have this Indi Music/Movies fever thingy. Blame it on having a satellite dish. Lol. Man! There was a time when the Indi pop was so beautiful... Ab tu bakwas he hai... Pata nahi hai bhi ke nahi. Pankaj Udhas- Such melodious songs he used to sing. Our favourite was "Mere Haath Mein Sharab Hai.. Such Bolta Hun Mein.." Oh the music videos they used to make- Falguni Pathak and her songs. Lovely. Good times.

Then came Stereo Nation with their songs "Nachangi Sari Raat" and "Pyar hogaya.. Kisi se yaron humein pyar hogaya.." How we used to love these songs and how one of my cousins used to tease us and his sisters about what a pathetic singer that man was. Hehehe. I agree now. Which reminds me how this particular cousin and his elder brother always used to argue about who was the best the music director- Anu Malik or Nadeem Sharvan?

I loved the movie Soldier too. Its songs were so adorable. By the way, soldier reminds me of Bobby Deol and he reminds me of that movie ummm..... Yeah "Barsaat" (1995). I so love that song, "Hum Ko Sirf Tum Se Pyar Hai.. Hum Ko Sirf Tum Se Pyar Hai..." *hums*  You would not want to know how many times we have watched "Dil Tou Pagal Hai". How I used to hate Pooja (Madhuri Dixit) for stealing away Rahul (SRK) from Nisha (Karisma Kapoor). Hehehe. We also watched "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai" alot of times.

Anyways, so time has changed. I watch less Bolly movies now. (Less than before, I mean) Since the last few years one of my favourite movie has been...... "Hum Ko Deewana Kargaye" Nahi nahi kar ke bhi I have watched it about 10 times or a little less. I love it. Ahluvet. Do not ask me why? I just do. I have made my sisters sick of that movie. Lol. (Pst. Pst. Let me tell you a secret: Since a few years, I have been having a crush on Akshay Kumar). Anyhow, so I am going to leave you with a song from that movie which I really like... And another from "Koi Mil Gaya". Listen to which ever you like. Or don't. =)

Indifference- The ebbs and flows

Like the waves of an ocean, it came and tickled my feet. The sensation travelled up my body and to my soul. It permeated me with a surge of an unknown emotion. Was it really unknown, now? Or was it just long-forgotten? An acquaintance who chose to remain a stranger. Serenity. *smirks*

Like the waves of an ocean, it refluxed away from me and with it, took away many a little grains of sand from under my feet. Took away the stranger, the serenity.

I waited for the next wave to flow towards me and they did, one after the other. But it never came back again. What tickled my feet now was just plain salt water. The only sensation that registered with me now was icy chilliness. The stranger was gone. Gone yet again.

Less-ness...

I am feeling clue-LESS. The bitterness seems end-LESS. You seem hope-LESS. My anger, my aguish seem fruit-LESS. Everything seems meaning-LESS. Period.

A broken pencil

http://www.flickr.com/photos/kalimistuk/4082166494/

My life is a broken pencil- it seems pointless. Even with you in it. Having said that, I wonder since when did I become so indifferent. Not that I do not like it this way. I always wished and hoped to be indifferent and now that indifference is finally taking over me, I feel tempted to ask myself, "So what was it? What was the last straw?" Really, I want to figure it out. What just happened? How did my tables turn? This bitter tranquility that howls inside me is odd. I do not feel angry or anguished. Anxiety is nowhere near me. How did this happen? So, does this mean I took in everything? Shut it in a box and threw it in some dark corner where I probably will never find it anytime soon? Since when did I become so strong?I do not like it this way. It feels hollow. Not having any feelings, being numb makes me feel empty. I was once told by my Ami jani that I should not keep to myself I should voice out my miseries, my problems. She asked why do I do this. She said sharing your feelings lessens your heart's burden. *Sighs* True. I wanted to tell her that I already know that and I want to! I want to let people know how I feel but it is so hard. I cannot. No matter how much I try. I cannot. I tried telling you but you looked at my words so superficially you never got to understand them. I tried again, you thought my words were insignificant and naive. I admit I have destructive tendencies and that my feelings are not always gentle. The day my mother told me to vent out I was told by someone to "keep my feelings to myself, to control them". I felt a kick in my gut. I wanted to tell that particular person how ridiculous it sounded, how irrelevant. I wanted to laugh and I wanted to cry at the same time. "Keep my feelings to myself", seriously? What made you say this? When did I share myself with you, when did I make you my confidant and when did I reveal my feelings to you? I do not remember doing any of this and yet you tell me to keep my god-damn feelings to myself. You have no idea how I have gotten sick of keeping to myself. Now of all times, I want to speak to somebody, anybody. I was reading Sidra's post where she said "I’m no expert in counseling people or making them feel better..." and something snapped inside me. I am sick of counselling others and making them feel better. I want someone to appease me, pacify me, make me feel better. I heard a dialogue randomly on TV today, a guy was saying, "...speaking out your feelings makes them weaker in your heart, it lessens their intensity.." I want to speak out but I cannot do it on my own. I need someone to lure me into speaking. Too much to ask, uh? *Sighs*

Life's FAQ#1

Q: Mera Dimagh Itna Kharab Kion Hai?

Ans: Mera dimagh kharab hai because I have been loved... excessively and unnecessarily. 

*shrugs*

This answer forfeits every right that I thought I had to complain.

 I need to change. Not for myself, but for those who love me unconditionally. 

True That!

“All animals are equal but some are more equal than others”
[George Orwell, Animal Farm]

DAMN YOU ISRAEL!!

The Giant Night Bulb

It is a beautiful night. As the entire area is drowned in darkness (courtesy: KESC) I realise how exquisite this night is. The giant night bulb hanging up in the sky lends its borrowed silver light to this sleeping land. It embraces everything that it can and gives it a surreal glow. The calmness of night is shattered into a thousand tiny pieces by the fierce wind that blows. The wind wildly pounds against the windows and creates ripples in the silent lake of the night. Yet, all of this is so serene- to me. The wind brushes my tresses and whispers into my ears strange words in an alien language. However, it makes a smile crawl up my lips.

This city never sleeps, does it? There is still traffic on the roads. A few cars rushing on the deserted roads every now and then. Motor cycles and trucks passing as fast as they can, piercing the silence of the night. I even  hear some crows cawing. I guess even they are having issues luring themselves into sleep like me while the rest of the world is temporarily dead.

I am feeling ecstatic. I am happy for no apparent reason. I have stayed up this late after quite a long time. But I am alone. I am alive while the rest of the world has sold their souls to slumber for yet another night. However, there must be some exceptions. A girl who is awake and whispering to the man on the moon. A man standing in his terrace and staring up at the sky and smiling for reasons known to him only. Someone knelt down in front of his Creater, trying to convince Him how much he loves Him and seeking His mercy for he has sinned. Someone raising her hands up to the sky yet again and beseeching her Lord  for that one particular wish, just like every night. The trees that happily dance with the wind as it sways from one tree to another like a philanderer. The stars that twinkle as they blink there eyes, trying hard not to fall asleep. And the moon...

"Will you get me that giant night bulb down in a cage, please? It looks so alone up there..." 

All in a day's work...

I cannot turn more red from embarrassment. Another entry that successfully made to the "Most Embarrassing Moments List" and trust me, this one is "top of the line". 

ONE SHOULD NEVER BE TOO NOSY

So this is what happened. We were randomly chatting when my cousin's phone beeped. He made a joke about it but did not check his phone for the message and I came up with mischief in my mind. I asked him to hand me his phone. He said no. I insisted. He resisted. But finally, my insistence superseded his resistance and he handed me his phone and in exchange I handed him the glass(which by the way was the reason why he gave in). Alas! I wish he had not given in to me.

I forced him to blurt out his security code which he surprisingly did. I suppose he did not have anything to hide OR perhaps (and more likely) it was another dumb day for me. I wish I had not read his text message. But it was spilt milk, my crying would have been in vain. The moment the message opened was the moment I realised my foolishness. There was just a delay of nanoseconds between my action and the resulting qualms.

I did not read the entire message but just a couple of words caught my eye and made my realise how dumb have I been. It was some kind of bakwaas joke. All my shararat went down the drain in an instant. I hit the back key and returned him his phone as if the phone was some kind of creepy crawly. Eww!! Why do boys have to be so grotesque? I wanted to vanish into thin air. He then checked his message but I think he did not read the entire message he probably checked the sender and the first few lines. The only words that came out of his mouth were: "Oh... yeh.. hai.."  He was referring to the sender. He tried to sound as casual as he could. But I think both of us felt embarrassed in our own ways and the odd pause that lasted a few minutes was a witness of it.

Uff Allah Saa'iin... Why do I always prove myself dumber than dumb? Why on earth did I ever want to check his phone? I regretted. Furthermore, I regretted the fact that I did not hit delete. I should have deleted the message and said: "Oh! I'm sorry man. Delete hogaya!!" At least he  would not have found out that I read that stupid message. Although, I did not read it but he would comfortably be presuming that I did. Sighs.

I have been trying not to think of it. But it keeps coming back and sticks out a tongue at me. Only people like me, who do something wrong and worry about it all day all night (irrespective of the magnitude of the wrongness), can understand how messed up I am feeling right now. I do not disagree that what happened to me is funny. Yes, it IS hilarious but only because it happened to ME and not YOU. *blushes*

MORAL OF THE STORY:  Never poke your nose into other's business (especially men's). *curls toes*

Ugh.

P.S. One more thing, I have no idea why this particular cousin of mine has to witness the most grand exhibitions of my dumbness. Hmph!  

Dear Sidra

Sighs. I have missed blogging yaar. It's just that exams are round the corner- kya karooon?! =( I am having "the-time-of-my-life" (in all the wrong ways, that is).  I am afraid if I write, I will write about how Gray, Owen and Adams hold that Pristine Capitalists are people who do not give a damn about other people. The only thing that seems to interest them is how to make big bucks. And I cannot begin to elaborate on how strongly Mr. Milton Friedman seconds this stance on Social Responsibility.

I might also disclose to you that I have no idea what The Divine Command Theory is and that I fail to understand what was Socrates's point when he asked Euthyphro the famous question: "Is the pious loved by the gods because it is pious, or is it pious because it is loved by the gods?" And how weird is that, studying philosophy in Accounting and Finance, uh?

I will also have to admit that accountancy is by and large the most stodgy profession- Dull as ditch-water. I wake up every morning each day and ask myself: "What on earth am I doing to myself?" Ugh.

Enough bakwaas about how much I loathe accountancy. Another reason that I have been away, which by the way is the primary reason, is that I have been ripped off of my words lately. I cannot seem to scribble up anything that makes sense. This time it isn't just my words that are incoherent and scattered but it is my mind that is plagued with incoherence and is going berserk.

But, don't worry. I will be lurking around in the corners with my nonsensical posts, that is. :)

Love,

Ann.

P.S. By the way, this "started out" as a reply to your comment but...... you know. ;)

A puppet show

I am tired. Scared. Sick.

Of a world where everything is made up of brick and mortar- and that is it. A world where people are nothing but clay puppets. Their desires pulling their strings. Inanimate objects manipulated by their desires and self-interest.

I check myself for any similar strings attached. I find none.

I am disappointed. Life would have been so much easier that way.

I wish to be a puppet too. A clay puppet, like you.

Aur Bhi Gham Hain Zamaane Mein Muhabbat Ke Siwa

The title of the last post makes me sound like a lovesick person. Funny. Yes, I was sad. But 'love and similar disasters' were not the one to blame. There were 'other' reasons behind that. I can assure you. Precisely, none of my posts that are dripping with despair hold love as their culprit. Being lovesick is out of my league. I do not really believe in 'love as in love'. What I mean is, love is not a ground reality, so as to speak. Love is.... It is surreal. Pure fiction. Therefore, I do not really believe in love. Not my thing, eh.

I love what Faiz Ahmed Faiz sahib says. It is beautifully cruel.

                   Laut jaati hai idhar ko bhi nazar kyaa kije
                   Ab bhi dilakash hai teraa husn, magar kya kije
                   Aur bhi gham hain zamaane meiN mohabbat ke siwa
                   RaahateiN aur bhi haiN vasl ki raahat ke sivaa

So yeah, love is not my cup of tea. Having said that, I must admit, "Holy God! What an outrageous liar I am!" LOL. It does not matter how many times I repeat that I do not believe in love, it will always bounce back to me like an echo and remind me what a pathetic liar I am. As funny as it might sound to some, I often try to escape love. I try to run away. But then soon enough I realise that I am running in circles only and so I obviously find myself right where I started- with love- again. Mhm.

However, I must say that love has become a cliché for the commonplace girl/boy loves boy/girl thing. Yes, I said commonplace and you can take all the offence you want. I don't know. I am not a big fan. Nonetheless, it does not mean I am against love. Oh no, no! It is, indeed, very essential. I am just, well, how should I put it? I am just against some kinds of love. There. Now that was a nice way of putting it. LOL

So anyways, I was saying that I am being a blatant liar when I say that I do not believe in love. Yes, that is true, I am afraid. That is so because I am a lover. An impulsive and compulsive lover. I love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. And I must confess, love hurts. It hurts in places that you did not even know existed inside you. All kinds of love hurt. But, there can be different reasons to the question "why it hurts?"

I know why my love(s) hurts. (I know just about everything, my problems and their solutions, and yet I loiter on the paths of my life wearing my ignorance cloak, listlessly. What to do with such enforced oblivion? What to do? Arw rightly calls me a "knowledgeable jaahil" ) Love has happened to hurt me often too because I've never succeeded in pulling off the balancing act. I always mess with the balance of things. Hence, the outcomes are pretty much err.. logical. I am way too possessive and it successfully leads me down the abyss of despair. From tiniest things to colossal matters, from my mother to my friends, I am almost always so overbearing. Let me put it in a nutshell. I am a spoiled brat. There, done.


P.S. This is so not what I had in my mind to write about. It is not even anything similar to it. Ugh. I am a spoiled brat and I have a dangerously high tendency to diverge. Period.

Mariz-e-Muhabbat

Unadorned days and unembellished nights. Life is back to "normal" again. The pain has subsided and the tears have dried up. I suppose, we have learnt to deal with our "selves". I suppose, we have come to terms with the hide and seek our woes and happiness have been playing with us. We had to. Eventually. 

Irada Tha Tar'ke Muhabbat Ka Lekin
Faraib-e-Tabassum Mein Phir Aa Gaye Hum
Abhi Kha Kay Thokar Sanbhalne Na Paye
Ke Phir Khayee Thokhar Sanbhalte Sanbhalte

So, this time I decided to dive into the river of indifference earlier than usual. Indifference is my only shield against this world and "my own self". It is always my last resort. I needed a distraction. But any and every mundane affair of life was not proving to be enough.

Aray Koi Wadaa Khilafee Ki Had Hai
Hisaab Apne Dil Mein Laga Kar Tou Dekho
Qayamat Ka Din Aa Gaya Rafta Rafta
Mulaqaat Ka Din Badalte Badalte

In one of my previous posts, I was suggested in a comment by Ubaid to revert to music. I told him it made me nostalgic which, by the way is exactly what it makes me feel. But then last night as I was listening to FM, I realised I was listening to all the wrong genres of music. I had to turn to the kind of music which suited my mood but was anti-depressing simultaneously. And voilà! I found exactly the right stuff.

Unhein Khat Mein Likha Keh Dil Muztarib Hai
Jawab Unka Aaya Ke Mohabbat Na Karte
Tumhein Dil Lagane Ko Kis Nay Kaha Thaa
Behel Jayega Dil Behalte Behalte

I have also realised that what is killing me (or "trying endlessly" to kill me) is something within my self. It is not a novel discovery though, I have known this for quite a long time now. For the sake of pin pointing the culprit, I must admit that it is my "expectations" that have been stabbing me. And my oh my! Do they know where to stab me to make me wail my heart out. Cruel things, I tell you. I have also often wondered why do I feel a sudden sting in my eyes. Then I realised that they are the hopes that came crashing down and shattered into a thousand minute splinters and smash into my eyes every now and then.

Hamein Apne Dil Ki To Parvah Nahin Hai 
Magar Darr Raha Hoon Yeh Kamsin Ki Zidd Hai
Kahin Paaye Naazuk Mein Moach Aa Na Jaye
Dil-e-sakht Jaan Ko Masalte Masalte

I have to confess. I am my own enemy.  I should slay my own expectations before they slay me. You know, people do mistakes and then blame it on others. But my tragedy is the fact that I have no one to blame but myself. Technically speaking, people have not hurt me much. I wound my own self. Only and if only, I could contain my expectations, I could be content. It is not that hard.

Woh Mehmaan Humare Huwe Bhi Tu Kab Tak
Hoyi Sham'a Gul Aur Na Doobe Sitarey
Qamar Kis Qadr Unko Jaldi Thi Ghar Ki
Woh Ghar Chal Diye Chandni Dhalte Dhalte

It is not that easy either. I am obsessed. I am possessive. I am touchy. I am irascible. How many broken ends will I mend? How many wreckages will I repair? How many fractures will I plaster? How many ugly scars will conceal under my masks? How many lesions will I bandage? How many wounds will I heal? How many glitches will I fix?

Mariz-e-Muhabbat Unheen Ka Fasana

Sunata Raha Dam Nikalte Nikalte
Magar Zikre Sham-e-Alum Jab Ke Aaya

Charagh-e-Sehar Bujh Gaya Jalte Jalte

Oh forget it! To hell with my whimpering.  It is just that..... Munni Begum is so awesome!! =)

                 Dard Koi Bala Hai Woh Shokh Mizaaj,

                 Usko Chhe'rra Bura Kiya Tu Ne....

Vengeful Happiness

I have been happy in the past few months. I have been happy for longer than I should have. But now it ends. It had to end. I have known happiness was never a sincere companion of mine. It has always been a wolf in sheep's clothing; the calm before the storm. But I took my chances. I tried to cling on to it as fast as I could have. I tried to hold on. But it did not work out. The string attached to happiness was no more a dainty flower garland, it soon turned into a barbed wire wounding my hands.

Happiness came last night- To bid me farewell. It kissed me goodbye. With a smirk on its lips, the entire time.  As it walked away from me, I stood there motionless. No pain, no stings piercing my body. I stood there emotionless. But then, all of a sudden, it stopped and turned around. With a dreadfully grave expression, it told me it- "For every smile that kissed your lips, my love, you will pay me with tears." It wanted to take its toll on me. I wanted to laugh at it, I wanted to mock it. However, I do not know what happened. I was still standing there emotionless. No pain ripping me apart, still. As if by a spell, I felt a sudden sting in my eyes. My sight blurred with in a second, a streak of some liquid wet and warm trickled down my face. With disbelieve, I touched my face. It was wet with what we call tears. I had been cursed, yet again.

With my eyes wide open, I looked straight ahead, where happiness once stood. It was gone and I was left with the echoes of its derisive laughs.

Life and other disasters

I need a distraction.... from life itself. 

My love, my dearest

When will you learn? When will you ever learn? When will you ever learn my precious, when to stop fighting?

Look around. What do you see? Save, corpses of your brutally murdered army- innumerable pieces of shattered faith, hopes and dreams? In this blood smeared battle field, you stand alone. All alone.

Look at yourself. What do you see? A bruised body and a bruised soul. The blood dripping from your wounds. Do you not see it? You cannot fight a battle with empty hands. The pain is ripping your soul apart but your body is numbed. It denies every blow that it has received. Denies every strike it has suffered. Denies to let go.

Look at you. How pathetic you look. How appalling. Your knees can no longer bear your burden. You arms have lost there strength. There is void in your chest where your heart once used to be. Your eyes are smeared with blood. How sick you look, my beloved, how grotesque.

Let go, my love. Let go off yourself. Seeing you, it drowns my heart in the floods of agony and misery. For the sake of my love, my love, let go. I cannot take this any longer. It hurts. It rips my heart into tiny shreds. Do not bring this unto thyself, for my sake. Fall to the ground. Surrender.

This is the end.

And this is how it ends... When you fight against... Thyself, my love, my dearest.

Charcoal

My fair lady, you... are so dark. Darkest of all darks.

Pitch black.

Eik rang mein jeena jeevan ko, ay jaan-e-tamanna theek nahi...

"You act as if you are so strong..."
"I am"
"Hahah. You wish.."
"By the way, I must say, you are good at acting.." 
"..I mean, most of the times you almost get away with your lets-play-pretense tricks.."
"..Kabootar jaisa tu dil hai but you try to pose yourself as a He-Man."
"HE-MAN???"
"I cannot be a He-Man!"
*chuckles*
"Wahi tu! But you like to act like one"
"No, I do not"
"Oh, trust me. You do. And you know it"
*squirms*


*Strange voices in my head....!

I am not crazy, I am just a little impaired

We might have been—these are but common words,

And yet they make the sum of life’s bewailing.

        -Letitia E. Landon

Like (or unlike) most of the people I have a habit of lamenting upon my mistakes longer than required. I do something wrong and then I spend a couple or more days thinking "what if" or "if only" I had not done it in the first place. "What if" is an excruciating prefix for any question. I punish myself even for the most trifling blunders that I may commit. I lie awake and worry about things that others might not have even noticed me doing. Others might forgive me but I just find it so hard to forgive myself. My regrets are KILLERS. I make monsters out of such petty things and they haunt not just my nights but days as well. I never let go. Perhaps, because nobody taught me to how "let go" off things/thoughts/memories. But then this is something that you learn on your own. Ah! I am one hopeless creation of God. Sighs.

Something similar happened today. It is so trivial that you might shake your head in disapproval after reading. Therefore, a word of warning for those whose time is very precious: Do not go any further, you might end up swearing at me for wasting your time. Lol. But I cannot begin to describe how mentally tedious it was for me. Saeed bhai (my driver) got a ticket for using a mobile while driving. Well, technically speaking, he was not using it while driving actually. He stopped the car at the red light and then received the call. However, it was a bad day for him. There were traffic constables standing at both ends of the road. One of them stopped him. I would like to mention something here, I have this thing against the police walas. I mean, I just do not want to have a conversation with them. I think they scare me. So, I stayed put in the back of the car while Saeed bhai tried to convince him to excuse him. Well, I obviously had the option of calling my phuppo and get things settled here. The constable would have greeted me with a Salaam and let us go. However, for some reason I did NOT do that. Saeed bhai got ticketed and I just sat there.

Everything was fine until I came back home. I realised I was pretty tensed. I told my ami what had happened and she was a little annoyed at the driver at first but then something happened to me and I suddenly said, "Ami, I should have called phuppo". I said this because I just realised how disappointed my driver looked. I also realised that the fine for using a mobile while driving is higher than the usual traffic fines. This made me sad. I started feeling bad about all of this. I started feeling bad about myself. I felt bad when I thought I could have saved these few hundreds for him, which might not have been only a "few" for him.

I spent the entire day feeling bad. My head, actually, hurt from thinking so much. I apologized to God also for not helping his creation when I could have easily. Had it really been my driver's fault I would not have been so sad about all of this. But as afore mentioned, technically speaking, it was not his fault, entirely. Nevertheless, by evening an idea had struck me which could have helped me make my heart feel lighter. I implemented it and it felt so much better afterwards. I, literally, felt lighter as if some heavy boulder had been shoved off my chest. I am feeling soooooooooooo much nicer now. Phew!

Yes! Yes! I know I am a wacko. Go on! Laugh your heads off at me or shake them in disappointment. You have no idea how depressed I was. Yes, I know "but this is SO trivial". But that's what I am trying to tell you! I have this tendency of cheezon ko sar per sawaar karlena. I self-inflict myself with worries, woes and what nots! Sighs. This was just one example. My 21(nearly) year history is crammed with such jaw-dropping examples. Hey! Are you laughing at me? Fine. Let's laugh together then!! =)

Blue blues..

Okay... So yes I had my hair cut into a bob a few months back. I looked awesome, contrary to the teasings I got from my brothers and cousins. My hairs did earn me quite a lot of nicknames which, obviously I am not going to reveal here. Nah. Not a chance. lol. As I said, I looked awesome but there is a thing with the boys in my family. They LOVE long hairs. I mean even the hairs on your head are your own but if you are thinking of cutting them short you will have to face a desk banging opposition, just like the ones in our parliament. Yupe, they are that obsessed. Anyways, my hairs have grown out now and so have the teasings.

BUT.... Now I want to get Blue Streaks. Don't raise eye brows. I want just a couple of blue streaks, that's it. I have been wanting to do that for so long now. But I am hoping I do get this done this time. Let's hope my ami agrees to it *fingers crossed*. However, the gentlemen of my khandaan would get yet another chance to chastise me AGAIN. lol. And the first one would be my.... Oh God! My papa..... I am having a feeling this is going to be a long journey and that too, utterly painstaking. lol.

=)

Incompleteness

Incompleteness, has become an essential part of me. Incomplete posts lingering in my drafts. Incomplete thoughts dawdling in my brain. Incomplete assignments dying for me to complete them. *huh*


Yesterday was a funny day. Yupe, that is it, it was a funny day. What? You want details? Oh! You think I am going to disclose all details here and tell you everything so that people can read all this and wonder what a twit I am? Okay, you are right. I am a twit. You think it is funny? I think it is sad.


I do not like comedy. I mean, give it a thought. What is comedy? Comedy is finding amusement in the sufferings of other people. Charlie Chaplin, the poor fellow, slips off his feet and you find that amusing. Ha! Comedy is a milder form of sadism, you see. If you like comedy, you are a sadist. You didn't know that now, did you?


I have been accused of "posing" weirdness. Now that, my dear, was a one of a kind accusation. I was told that I like being thought of as a weirdo. *shakes head* How can people manage to come up with such "wonderful" ideas. My pains, my agony, my frustrations are mine. I never entreated any one of you to share them. Have I ever? NO! Because I know it. I know, that the moment I will open my mouth and talk about them you will think they are trash. You won't understand and please don't even try to. Your life is far too complete to understand my incompleteness. I have been given a fair share of blessings, I am not complaining to God about my life. I am happy with it (on the whole). But you just won't understand.


I was called a mental case when I mentioned that I am probably suffering from some kind of a chemical imbalance in my brains. Heart-breaking, I tell you. I literally felt a sting on the left side of my body, where the piece of meat called heart lies. Reason: Not Found. I had awful many reality checks. Too many for one day. I was evaluated and commented upon in every possible way. It was heart piercing. I was told that I am irascible and rude. I was fired at with an AK-47. Non-stop hits. But then, "all's well, that ends well". And all this ended well too. At the end, I was told that I am a "lovely person". Why, thank you so very much.  Although, I have failed to understand how can I be bad and lovely, simultaneously.

I need a fix.




P.S. To Sidra: Please be kind enough, to resume writing more often. I am getting bored without you yaar.

Memo....Randoms!

•  It's sad life does not come with a manual. (Err.. Ok.. May be it's not that sad after all)
• A broken road..... *Hmmm*
• I have lost interest in blogging which is also very sad. Primary reason: Blankness, empty-headed-ness.
• However, when I am in the car (on my way to and back from college) I get so many brilliant ideas to blog about but another sad fact of my life is that I have a memory span shorter than that of a gold fish. I forget things.
• I think I will buy a planner or something of that sort.
• My cousin just got me Windows 7 =) It is nice. Similar to vista however, a little nicer. I have sweeet cousin.
• I have to complete NFS SHIFT *huh* (I make it sound like a school assignment) Anyways, I liked CARBON better.
• I feel less stingier which is a good thing (for you)
• I am thinking of putting on weight. But I seriously need to cut back on chocolates or else I am sure to get diabetes. But... =S there are these new chocolates that I am munching on these days =P They even have nice messages underneath the wrappers.
• I WANT TO WRITE A POST that qualifies as a sensible post.
• I am trying to write something. A short story or a long story or may be it is not a story at all. *Ugh* I don't know. Just pray that I may complete it soon.
• I have been thinking of painting since sooooooooo long. My oil paints must have rotten by now.
• Accounting has consumed me. I dreamt about double-entries today. Oh God! This is outrageous. Oh and a few nights back, I also saw Salman Khan for the second time. Cheesy! lol.
• I am unable to write proper sentences. Reason: Same as mentioned in the 3rd pointer. If this is not cured soon, I will run into a panic attack.
• This is crazy. My blog. I don't like it anymore.
• I have been making stick figures. Face-less stick figures.

The nice messages I was talking about

Pst! Pst! Those of you who got till here; a good pat on your back. You have got nerves, I tell you.

Hold on a sec. please

Have you ever wished for the world to freeze for a moment so that the tear drop that has been hinging on your lash for so long can have the liberty to roll down your cheek and land in your lap; so that you can have the liberty to raise your hand and wipe that faint trail left by your tears off your face?

Just a moment.

And then the world can get back to its dreary routines.

A Gem, Lost

Zulfikar Ali Bhutto

I remember 10th grade History. We were given an assignment on Bhutto. The class was split into two groups for a debate for and against the Bhutto regime. I obviously chose pro-Bhutto. My entire class participated in a more or less objective way (mostly) except for me, obviously. lol. I was in love with Bhutto sahib. No points for guessing who won the debate- we did. =)

Forget my personal feelings. Undoubtedly, only two men in the 62 year old history of Pakistan can be fittingly declared as leaders- Mohammad Ali Jinnah and Zulfikar Ali Bhutto. Have you ever heard him speak? The fervor, passion and the zeal in his voice gives me goosebumps everytime I hear his speeches. When he spoke to the people, he was one of them unlike the other conceited yet shallow leaders that we have been sentenced with now and in the past. When he spoke to the farmers, he was one of them. When he spoke to the labourers, he was one of them. When he spoke to the businessman, he was one of them. When spoke to the intellectuals, he was one of them. His charisma, his boldness, his unwavering faith had no parallel.

Have you seen his speeches in the UN Security Council? Wow. I lack words. I am not talented enough to translate my awe and admiration in words. Certainly, I have not seen such a charismatic speaker in my 21-year-old life. Who else could have spoke in the Security Council like that:

“I am leaving your Security Council. I find it disgraceful to my person and to my country to remain here a moment longer than necessary. I am not boycotting. Impose any decision, have a treaty worse than the Treaty of Versailles, legalise aggression, legalise occupation, legalize everything that has been illegal up to December 15, 1971. I will not be a party to it. We will fight. We will go back and fight. My country beckons me. Why should I be a party to the ignominious surrender of a part of my country? You can take your Security Council. Here you are. I am going.”

I have heard our leaders speak. There is nothing to listen to when they speak. It is a mere formality. But when I hear his speeches and addresses, every single nerve in my body turns into ear. How I wish to have been there then. When he spoke, he casted some kind of spell which made you believe "Yes, this is possible."  He loved his country. He stood for his country. He fought for his country- For my country. And that is one of the reasons for which I esteem him. Do we now have a leader even similar to him? Do we now have a saviour who can retrieve our integrity and sovereignty? Are we independent? Yes? No? No! No! No! We are NOT! Our independence has been sold by our own so-called leaders. They have done everything in their power to lead this country to ruins. Oh and congratulations to them, I see they are doing pretty well. 

Bhutto sahib lived for his country an he died for his country. His death was a foreign conspiracy. A thought occurred to me today while I was watching TV. Bhutto sahib brought together all the Muslims nations. Not only, did he do that, he also put in his efforts to unify the third world countries. He was a rising star. A morning star, that indicated that dawn was nearby. Had he only had a little more time. The west, however, feared the fact that if Zulfikar Ali Bhutto was not stopped then they would have to face formidable consequences. The west of course, did not like the idea of people uniting together. They had to eliminate Bhutto. And they did.

Inhein sadiYon na bhoolay ga zamana,

Yahan jo hadse kal ho gaye hain.

Jinhein hum dekh kar jeetey thay Nasir

Woh loog aankhon se ojhal ho gaye hain.

Bhutto was a visionary, a revolutionary, a believer, a lion-heart and most of all, a leader. We did not value what we had and now we are left with nothing. May God save our country. However, I have my hopes clinged to Imran Khan but I am just too afraid of watching my hopes fall apart again. But I pray Imran Khan gets a chance and proves him to be what he proclaims. I hope he proves to be a leader one day. And I pray that day may come soon.

Sweet Emotional Clutter

I talk too much. A little TOO much. *(Now this can be debatable as some people think I talk without a pause while others think I am arrogantly reserved. Well, what can I say? =P)


But then there are times when I do NOT want to say anything. Nothing at all. Perhaps, because it is a meek attempt to find solace in silence.


Some people around me think I am secretive which, I have to deny outrightly. I am not secretive, I just do not like to "express" myself to others. If you get me, good. If you do not, even better.


I have been charged with an endless list of charges some of which include mad anger, temper tantrums, mood swings, sarcasm, cynicism and other similar stuff. Oh! Upon special request from some dear ones stealth should also be added to the list above. *eyes wide open with disappointment*


On my way back home today, a thought occurred to me. In fact, a question popped up in my mind. What if I was locked in a tower with no doors and only a window for light and some other bare necessities? Can I survive that? Majority of people, when asked, would say "no" right away. But I think I will resort to saying "may be yes". Give me a few gadgets to pass my time, some books, an enormous pile of paper, a pen, charcoal, some paints. Yes sir, I think I will survive. The major reason for this will be that I am not merely unsociable, I can be anti-social as well. I kind of like being alone. *shrugs* Well, not all the time but err.. often.


I do not think I belong to this century. I belong to the era of our parents and grand parents. How many times have I wished to have been born then. Wishes *sighs* are wild horses. These times are that of apathy, materialism, all-work-and-no-play sort. Of course, not for everybody. There are always nice people in this sea of ugly humanity. Oh and by the way, by saying that I do not belong here I did not mean that I am very nice, selfless, sincere, dipped-in-honey type. I can be mean(read unkind). In fact, I am. *chuckles*


Err... Alright, you can stop reading if you have had the strength to reach here. I must commend you though. This is such a useless-random-unrelated-irrelevant-incoherent-nonsensical-waste-of-time post. Apologies for wasting your time. lol

Zip, Zero, Zilch

It makes me sad t report that I am out of words. Not because I am thrilled and hence dumbfound but because there is nothing in my mind. Nada, null, naught. However, I want to express myself but I do not know how (or what). It is as if I am oblivious to words. It is as if I am ignorant of the rules of sentence making. Everything that travels down my mind to my finger tips and appears on the screen is so meaningless and dull. It is as if I have never written; as if writing was never my thing. Every thought that transforms into words is so mediocre, so unattractive.

I want to write though, it is just that I have nothing to write about. Odd. I feel like a 9th grader told to write an essay or a story in class. I am sitting at my desk staring at the whiteness of the paper which resembles the colour of the void in my mind.

*Blankness*

                                                    
                                                
                                                              
                                                          
                                                    
                                              
            

Breathtaking

"Beware of the man who does not return your blow: he neither forgives you nor allows you to forgive yourself."

Wow!

*Stolen off a friend's facebook status*

Need a spark?

A little change. A rang barangee change. It is not the usual me, I am not so rang barangee usually. But, I suppose I am feeling a little dainty right now. :) However, this template is absolutely tentative. Will change sooon (Soon here means when I feel less lazier). lol

Sidraaaaa the template changing syndrome is contagious, isn't it?! See, you got me infected! ;)

=D

Yayy!! So Blogger decided to introduce the Template Designer. Finally! It was about time. :) I want to try it out sooooon... but I am such a lazy-bone, laying down on all jobs. :) Anyhooo, I will look into it.

Poke at your own risk

Funny are the times when people ask you to vent out. When they want you to share your feelings with them. However, funnier are the times when you do as were told and see a thick layer of disappointment (and other similar emotions) envelope their face and all you hear is silence- a disgruntled silence.

A word of warning:
People should never urge me to speak when I intend to do otherwise.

Abandon All Hope

And sometimes, it is far better to slay all your hopes than to forcefully keep them alive.

Better and less painful.

Enigmas and Ennui

Rahiye ab aisi jagah chal kay jahan koi na ho
Hum-sukhan koi na ho aur hum-zaban koi na ho

Bay-dar-o-deewar sa ek ghar banaya chahiye

Koi humsaya na ho aur pasban koi na ho

Parhiye ghar beemar to koi na ho beemar-dar

Aur agar mar jaiye to noha-khaan koi na ho

-Mirza Ghalib

I am out of words to define what has gotten into me these days. This strange desire to abandon everything and climb up a mountain top so remote that I become unreachable, has taken over me. I want to be alone.  I am trying hard to live but it is not working out. It is exhausting and I am tired. 

I want someone- a friend; a confidant; some one. 

I am in a dire need for someone; someone who just sits beside me and agrees to lend me a shoulder- not to cry upon, but to rest my head on it and release a deep sigh that has been trapped inside my lips for so long. I need someone to listen to my groundless, illogical and ridiculous thoughts and not ask me why? what? how? I do not care if they do not understand even a single word I say. I just want someone to listen to me and pretend that they understand. I want to speak out incomplete and incoherent thought/sentences that have been spinning in my head and I do not want to be told that I make no sense.

 I do not want to be judged based on what comes out from my mouth, for just a few moments. I do not want be thought of, even for a split second, as being irrational. Nor do I want any advices, any suggestions, any remedies. I do not want to be told that everything is or will be fine. I want to say things that I have never said before. And, when I am done I want a reassuring hand to hold my shoulder firmly. I want a gesture that tells me someone will always be there for me. Someone will always be willing to relieve me from my pain, my anguish, my sufferings- even, if so, for a second. I just need a shoulder to rest my head upon and ease me off my burden for a while until I am ready to stand up and tread on the paths of life again. 

However, I am sure this brainlessness is going to end soon. I realise that I am hitting the saturation point and so very soon this listlessness will be cured. InshAllah.

Incoherence 001

Eyes that turn pink from the intensity of emotions, look extraordinarily beautiful.

Trying to speak when there is block of tears stuck down your throat is horribly difficult especially, when even your words lack coherence and make no sense at all. 

I wonder if they have a tear duct removal surgery. I hate crying but it is so damn uncontrollable. 

Life is becoming increasingly messy-er and that too for no apparent reason. 

I need to vent out my emotions before my emotional pressure cooker explodes leaving behind further clutter than there is now. 

I am in a dire need of a disk cleanup.

I am guilty. Lie, deceit, treachery and pretense are my crimes.

Sigh.

My apologies to myself.

*Takes a deep breath*

GHANCHAKARRR

I am amazed how suddenly I have started wishing that a day had more than 24 hours. Past few days have been mad. I cannot remember being this busy before- well, blame it on my short termed memory. Haha! But no seriously! And Friday was the awful-EST. Well, let me think.. was it Friday or Sunday that was the awful-EST. Ummmm Nah!! Can't decide, tough competition, you know. I was.... HUH!!! I am sooo tired!!!

Went to Hyderabad on Tuesday and returned the same day, it was tiring, horribly tiring. Wednesday went by in an attempt to relax but that didn't work out. I do not remember Thursday, it feels as if I skipped it. Then came the mother of all, Friday. I woke up early to make chocolate mousse for my khaala's and my cousins' birthday. One mousse for three birthdays. ;) I will post peeectures of it in the next post. LOL. I had a class that day but then it got cancelled which was a pleasant surprise as I hoped the day won't end up very tiring but, somehow it did!!

Then there was this Professional Training Application from Ernst & Young which drained out every single drop of energy from my body. This was the first time I was applying to any articleship  programme. What was surprising in a very pissing manner was the fact that they asked for references even for training.... Huh? I mean, seriously? Anyways, I somehow managed to fill in the application and submitted it on Saturday which also happened to be the last date. LOL. You know, I and deadlines walk hand in hand since a long long time. But I'm afraid I have to report a minor mess that I performed while filling up the form. The form very clearly said that "Inaccurate and incomplete forms will not be processed" and I... Well, I forgot to fill in a field. *Nervous* I left out the Relationship field under the References head. I and my friends think it is not a big deal but I have no idea what E & Y Ford Rhodes Sidat Hyder think. *Bites nails* These big four firms are snobby, you know!! Hmph!!

Sunday was another disaster, to tell you so. I have a 4-hour class on Sundays. *Bangs the head with a wall* Yes, kill me! I have no life anyways. And to add a cherry on top of the cake, I scored 10.5 on a 20 mark test. Hahahah!! That was funny, by the way. I returned home in the evening and then had to dress up for a Milad at my Mamoo's place. Not to forget I had a class early in the morning, the next day. *Sigh* By the bye, other than being worn-out I was also starving on Sunday. Just had breakfast and the next meal was a late night dinner.

On Monday, I was anything but myself. I could hardly pay attention in the class. During the class, I remembering mentioning to Arwa that I am seriously considering  taking an early retirement from life. What? Don't look at me like that! I was exhausted! Anyways, when the class got over and we walked out of the class, Arwa brought to my attention the manner in which we were walking. She said and I quote,  "Yaar!! *giggles* Hum kaise chal rahey hain!! Zombies ki tarah!!" She was cent percent correct. We were literally dragging ourselves to our cars. I was tired as a dog, although I never understand why are dogs so tired to have a simile to their credit because in my opinion they are are usually loafing around.

Past week has been a ghanchakar. Yes, that's about it. The length of my posts has started to scare me off, I won't be surprised if it has the same effect on others. ;) Anyhow, so this is the detailed alibi for my absence from my blog; my humzaad. And...... Sorry Sidra that you had to miss me which, by the way, feels very elating!! I missed you too!! No faking, cross my heart!! =)