Sweet Emotional Clutter

I talk too much. A little TOO much. *(Now this can be debatable as some people think I talk without a pause while others think I am arrogantly reserved. Well, what can I say? =P)


But then there are times when I do NOT want to say anything. Nothing at all. Perhaps, because it is a meek attempt to find solace in silence.


Some people around me think I am secretive which, I have to deny outrightly. I am not secretive, I just do not like to "express" myself to others. If you get me, good. If you do not, even better.


I have been charged with an endless list of charges some of which include mad anger, temper tantrums, mood swings, sarcasm, cynicism and other similar stuff. Oh! Upon special request from some dear ones stealth should also be added to the list above. *eyes wide open with disappointment*


On my way back home today, a thought occurred to me. In fact, a question popped up in my mind. What if I was locked in a tower with no doors and only a window for light and some other bare necessities? Can I survive that? Majority of people, when asked, would say "no" right away. But I think I will resort to saying "may be yes". Give me a few gadgets to pass my time, some books, an enormous pile of paper, a pen, charcoal, some paints. Yes sir, I think I will survive. The major reason for this will be that I am not merely unsociable, I can be anti-social as well. I kind of like being alone. *shrugs* Well, not all the time but err.. often.


I do not think I belong to this century. I belong to the era of our parents and grand parents. How many times have I wished to have been born then. Wishes *sighs* are wild horses. These times are that of apathy, materialism, all-work-and-no-play sort. Of course, not for everybody. There are always nice people in this sea of ugly humanity. Oh and by the way, by saying that I do not belong here I did not mean that I am very nice, selfless, sincere, dipped-in-honey type. I can be mean(read unkind). In fact, I am. *chuckles*


Err... Alright, you can stop reading if you have had the strength to reach here. I must commend you though. This is such a useless-random-unrelated-irrelevant-incoherent-nonsensical-waste-of-time post. Apologies for wasting your time. lol

Zip, Zero, Zilch

It makes me sad t report that I am out of words. Not because I am thrilled and hence dumbfound but because there is nothing in my mind. Nada, null, naught. However, I want to express myself but I do not know how (or what). It is as if I am oblivious to words. It is as if I am ignorant of the rules of sentence making. Everything that travels down my mind to my finger tips and appears on the screen is so meaningless and dull. It is as if I have never written; as if writing was never my thing. Every thought that transforms into words is so mediocre, so unattractive.

I want to write though, it is just that I have nothing to write about. Odd. I feel like a 9th grader told to write an essay or a story in class. I am sitting at my desk staring at the whiteness of the paper which resembles the colour of the void in my mind.

*Blankness*

                                                    
                                                
                                                              
                                                          
                                                    
                                              
            

Breathtaking

"Beware of the man who does not return your blow: he neither forgives you nor allows you to forgive yourself."

Wow!

*Stolen off a friend's facebook status*

Need a spark?

A little change. A rang barangee change. It is not the usual me, I am not so rang barangee usually. But, I suppose I am feeling a little dainty right now. :) However, this template is absolutely tentative. Will change sooon (Soon here means when I feel less lazier). lol

Sidraaaaa the template changing syndrome is contagious, isn't it?! See, you got me infected! ;)

=D

Yayy!! So Blogger decided to introduce the Template Designer. Finally! It was about time. :) I want to try it out sooooon... but I am such a lazy-bone, laying down on all jobs. :) Anyhooo, I will look into it.

Poke at your own risk

Funny are the times when people ask you to vent out. When they want you to share your feelings with them. However, funnier are the times when you do as were told and see a thick layer of disappointment (and other similar emotions) envelope their face and all you hear is silence- a disgruntled silence.

A word of warning:
People should never urge me to speak when I intend to do otherwise.

Abandon All Hope

And sometimes, it is far better to slay all your hopes than to forcefully keep them alive.

Better and less painful.

Enigmas and Ennui

Rahiye ab aisi jagah chal kay jahan koi na ho
Hum-sukhan koi na ho aur hum-zaban koi na ho

Bay-dar-o-deewar sa ek ghar banaya chahiye

Koi humsaya na ho aur pasban koi na ho

Parhiye ghar beemar to koi na ho beemar-dar

Aur agar mar jaiye to noha-khaan koi na ho

-Mirza Ghalib

I am out of words to define what has gotten into me these days. This strange desire to abandon everything and climb up a mountain top so remote that I become unreachable, has taken over me. I want to be alone.  I am trying hard to live but it is not working out. It is exhausting and I am tired. 

I want someone- a friend; a confidant; some one. 

I am in a dire need for someone; someone who just sits beside me and agrees to lend me a shoulder- not to cry upon, but to rest my head on it and release a deep sigh that has been trapped inside my lips for so long. I need someone to listen to my groundless, illogical and ridiculous thoughts and not ask me why? what? how? I do not care if they do not understand even a single word I say. I just want someone to listen to me and pretend that they understand. I want to speak out incomplete and incoherent thought/sentences that have been spinning in my head and I do not want to be told that I make no sense.

 I do not want to be judged based on what comes out from my mouth, for just a few moments. I do not want be thought of, even for a split second, as being irrational. Nor do I want any advices, any suggestions, any remedies. I do not want to be told that everything is or will be fine. I want to say things that I have never said before. And, when I am done I want a reassuring hand to hold my shoulder firmly. I want a gesture that tells me someone will always be there for me. Someone will always be willing to relieve me from my pain, my anguish, my sufferings- even, if so, for a second. I just need a shoulder to rest my head upon and ease me off my burden for a while until I am ready to stand up and tread on the paths of life again. 

However, I am sure this brainlessness is going to end soon. I realise that I am hitting the saturation point and so very soon this listlessness will be cured. InshAllah.

Incoherence 001

Eyes that turn pink from the intensity of emotions, look extraordinarily beautiful.

Trying to speak when there is block of tears stuck down your throat is horribly difficult especially, when even your words lack coherence and make no sense at all. 

I wonder if they have a tear duct removal surgery. I hate crying but it is so damn uncontrollable. 

Life is becoming increasingly messy-er and that too for no apparent reason. 

I need to vent out my emotions before my emotional pressure cooker explodes leaving behind further clutter than there is now. 

I am in a dire need of a disk cleanup.

I am guilty. Lie, deceit, treachery and pretense are my crimes.

Sigh.

My apologies to myself.

*Takes a deep breath*

GHANCHAKARRR

I am amazed how suddenly I have started wishing that a day had more than 24 hours. Past few days have been mad. I cannot remember being this busy before- well, blame it on my short termed memory. Haha! But no seriously! And Friday was the awful-EST. Well, let me think.. was it Friday or Sunday that was the awful-EST. Ummmm Nah!! Can't decide, tough competition, you know. I was.... HUH!!! I am sooo tired!!!

Went to Hyderabad on Tuesday and returned the same day, it was tiring, horribly tiring. Wednesday went by in an attempt to relax but that didn't work out. I do not remember Thursday, it feels as if I skipped it. Then came the mother of all, Friday. I woke up early to make chocolate mousse for my khaala's and my cousins' birthday. One mousse for three birthdays. ;) I will post peeectures of it in the next post. LOL. I had a class that day but then it got cancelled which was a pleasant surprise as I hoped the day won't end up very tiring but, somehow it did!!

Then there was this Professional Training Application from Ernst & Young which drained out every single drop of energy from my body. This was the first time I was applying to any articleship  programme. What was surprising in a very pissing manner was the fact that they asked for references even for training.... Huh? I mean, seriously? Anyways, I somehow managed to fill in the application and submitted it on Saturday which also happened to be the last date. LOL. You know, I and deadlines walk hand in hand since a long long time. But I'm afraid I have to report a minor mess that I performed while filling up the form. The form very clearly said that "Inaccurate and incomplete forms will not be processed" and I... Well, I forgot to fill in a field. *Nervous* I left out the Relationship field under the References head. I and my friends think it is not a big deal but I have no idea what E & Y Ford Rhodes Sidat Hyder think. *Bites nails* These big four firms are snobby, you know!! Hmph!!

Sunday was another disaster, to tell you so. I have a 4-hour class on Sundays. *Bangs the head with a wall* Yes, kill me! I have no life anyways. And to add a cherry on top of the cake, I scored 10.5 on a 20 mark test. Hahahah!! That was funny, by the way. I returned home in the evening and then had to dress up for a Milad at my Mamoo's place. Not to forget I had a class early in the morning, the next day. *Sigh* By the bye, other than being worn-out I was also starving on Sunday. Just had breakfast and the next meal was a late night dinner.

On Monday, I was anything but myself. I could hardly pay attention in the class. During the class, I remembering mentioning to Arwa that I am seriously considering  taking an early retirement from life. What? Don't look at me like that! I was exhausted! Anyways, when the class got over and we walked out of the class, Arwa brought to my attention the manner in which we were walking. She said and I quote,  "Yaar!! *giggles* Hum kaise chal rahey hain!! Zombies ki tarah!!" She was cent percent correct. We were literally dragging ourselves to our cars. I was tired as a dog, although I never understand why are dogs so tired to have a simile to their credit because in my opinion they are are usually loafing around.

Past week has been a ghanchakar. Yes, that's about it. The length of my posts has started to scare me off, I won't be surprised if it has the same effect on others. ;) Anyhow, so this is the detailed alibi for my absence from my blog; my humzaad. And...... Sorry Sidra that you had to miss me which, by the way, feels very elating!! I missed you too!! No faking, cross my heart!! =)

Dry Ice

I am back.

I am holding my happiness with all my might. But you know, happiness is just like grains of sand that can never be clenched inside our palm; the tighter we hold, the quicker they slip away from tiny crevices of our fist. Funny! I often wonder is it the happiness that runs away from me or is it me? I can never blame others  for adorning me with grief. For it is always I who chooses sorrow as my embellishments. I am hypersensitive. And that is what brings me, everytime, at the doorstep of misery. It's self-inflicted, I tell you. I have realised, I am too fastidious, too fractious and this makes me so volatile.

What am I?

Dry ice!!

 Highly volatile, either solid or gas, no intervening liquid form.

The only thing that stands between me and my contentment is.... I, myself. So, how do I eliminate this obstruction? Let's replace the word "obstruction" with the name of the obstruction. Here it goes: So, how do I eliminate myself? How do I remove this road block? Oh no, no! I am not being suicidal. Haha!! I need someone to heal me- heal my soul. Or as a matter of fact... My mind!! I need a psychiatrist!! Or may be I just need someone to talk to. But the dilemma I face is that I CANNOT, I repeat, CANNOT TALK to ANYONE. No matter how close someone gets to me, I can NEVER confide in them. The reason, you ask? Ha! Well, the reason, my dear is, the moment I say something I really mean, something I really feel like; people stare back at me with eyes wide open as if they doubt my sanity. They think I am a lunatic. But you know, even if I, someday, find someone who understand my  apparently insane thoughts and feelings; I still might not be able to TALK to him or her. It is probably an inherent limitation. A possible cause why I write a blog. Hmm... Anyways, here is Bulleh Shah's kalam, for some reason it is spinning round and round in my head at this moment.

Tere Ishq nachaya Kar Ke Thaiya Thaiya

Cheti aa'vin Ve Tabiba, Nahin Te Main Mar Gai'yaan

Cheti Bawdi Ve Tabiba, Nahin Te Main Mar Gai'yaan

Tere ishq ne dera mere andar kiita

BHar ke zeher payala mein te aapey piita

Jhabde bhaudi ve tabiba nahin te mein mar gai'yan

Tere Ishq nachaya Kar Ke Thaiya Thaiya

Chup gaya ve suraj bahar reh gayee aa lali,

Ve mein sadkey ho'van, deven murrje vakhali,

Peeran mein bhul gayian, terey naal na gayian

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Aes Ishq De KoloN, MenuN HaTak Na Maa'ye

Laho JaandRe BeRe, KehRa MoR Liyaa'ye

Meri Aqal Jo Bhulii, Naal MahaaniyaaN De Aayi Aa

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Aes Ishq Di Jhungi Vich Mor Bolen Da

Saanu Qibla Te Kaaba, Sohna Yaar Disenda

Saanu Ghaayal Karke Pher Khabar Na Layi'yaan

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Bullha shoh ne aaNda, menooN Anayat de boohay

jis ne menooN puv'aaye, cholay saavay te suhay

jaaN meN maari hai aDii, mil piyaa hai vahi'yaa

Terey Ishq Nachaiyan kar Ke thaiya thaiya,

Tere Ishq nachaya Kar Ke Thaiya Thaiya

I am not even going to TRY to translate this and neither will I use translations available over the web until and unless I find "the one" that's best. Translating this would take away so much from it. It will be just like getting gold polished; it can shine brighter but in reality its layers will have to be scraped off.

I write irksomely long posts, you say? Yes, correct it is. But then this is my blog, I shall do as I please. Thank you. =P

Will title it later :P

Clinging to happiness as strongly as I can, for as long as I can. But eveything reverts to reality and my reality is sort of bizarre- I think I cherish my woes.

I have no idea what I just said and what did that mean. *confused*

Leaving for Hyderabad, will be back by evening InshAllah.

Godpeed- To my self =)

Fighting my demons

Dear God,


Please don't give up on me. I need you on my side in this battle against my own self. I do not understand why am I being so gullible. I am a transgressor. I am sick and tired of myself. But please You don't be sick and tired of me. Don't give up on me, please don't. I cannot fight this alone. I am feeble. I try to run away from my demons over and over again but when I stop and look around, I find myself right where I started. I am running in circles. God please, don't leave me on my own. 'Cause if you do, my doom will be inevitable. I am falling in an abyss of darkness. Hold my hand; save me from this bottomless pit. I am trapped inside quicksand, the more I try, the harder it sucks me inside it. Hold my hand; drag me out of this disaster. Just don't give up on me. Save me before it's too late. Save me before the darkness swallows me. Save me before I lose you for an eternity.


Love,


Ann

Aankhon ka rang, baat ka lehja badal gaya

Woh shakhs aik shaam main kitna badal gaya

Why are variations in tone so easy to discern? *Sighs* Had I only not been so sensitive to changes. This is probably the second or third consecutive time that BJ talked to me in such a deadpan manner. I cannot even remember doing anything wrong. The last time I called, I woke him up in the middle of the night but I am sure this is not, in any way, the reason behind his behaviour. The second last time he called, he was so abrupt and handed the phone to Pa. That was the time I noticed his expressionless tone for the first time; everything was perfectly fine before that. The most perplexing of all questions is "Why".

I hate dislike overseas residents, I am sorry! *Hmph*

It's that simple...

When others don't heal you; you heal yourself.

It's just a matter of time.

Vanity's prey

I have often wondered, and reached the same conclusion over and over again. 

It hurts most when the relations grow cold.

When relationships appear to be corpses resting in cold chambers of eerie morgues.

Spring bliss

The moonlight shines upon me and the cool breeze tickles my face and smiles away. My lips curl into an untainted smile as I inhale the scent of damp flowers at this hour of night when half the world slumbers the night away... It hits me hard how beautiful my Lord is!!! Beauties of this world are but a humble reflection of His eternal beauty.

The gentle scent of the night hinting the arrival of spring, bidding farewell to the winter chills, drives me crazy. Kailash Kher's Teri Deewani is playing in the background and making everything so much more enchanting.

It feels idyllic. I understand the feeling is momentary but I think I will just enjoy it until it lasts.

La loco ;)

*GRINS*

A silly whim just struck me.... I wanna listen to all the cheesy lovey dovey songs available to me right now!!!

*GRINS LIKE A CHESHIRE CAT*

Strayed smiles on a spring night

I'm listening to a very dainty song at this moment.... I've played it over and over again 3 or 4 times may be... And my sisters think I'm going loony at this hour of night.

Waadi-e-Ishq Se Aya Hai Mera Shehzada

It's a fairy-tale song... Cheesy, you say?? Ummmmm.... Nahh!! It's sweeeeet!! :P

*sings* Uski Tareef Haqeeqat Se Hui Kuch Zyada... Waadi-e-Ishq Se Aya Hai Mera Shehzada

P.S. I will share it as soon as I find a video of it. As of now, I just have it on mp3. *smiles*

Hearts and thoughts..

I am smothering myself.

I need to let go off myself.

I wish to vanish in thin air- for a while.

How long is a "while"?

How long is "eternity"?

How long is "never"?

There is nothing called "never", it's just long periods of "not yet". -- The Journey Of Allen Strange.

I wish to go invisible for sometime.

I would also like to throw myself into an ocean of people and not be found- until I wish to.

I was looking for reasons. Now, I have got them! Thank you! Everything fits in prefectly!

(We really should be careful of what we search for... 'cause we just might find it)

Hold my hands...

I need someone to hold me by my hand and drag me out of this; save me from drowning in the dark waters of self-inflicted misery.

I'm dying again..
I'm going under,
Drowning in you,
I'm falling forever,
I've got to break through,
I'm going under...

Yaad-e-maazi

(This is exactly a couple of years old. I wrote this when my khala died in Feburary 2008. Just found it lying in my usb.)

O DEAR FRIEND OF MINE...

I, with my solitude, am thinking, as it is all that I can do. I am going through an intense sense of emptiness. This is really strange; something is missing. For some reason, today, I desire merely the company of my solitude. I do not want to speak or vent out my feelings; I want my thoughts to stay on this path of anguish. I know the woes lessen when shared, but I do not wish to share them. I wish to remain enclosed in the self-made shell of estrangement and loneliness. I know, my dearest, you want me to break-free from this shell of agonizing thoughts. But I am sorry, I like it otherwise; I like the agony. I like the pain and grief as they sting my heart. I do not want to smile as every single moment I force myself to smile; something snaps inside me. My sight has turned blind towards the colours of life; everything is gray from now on. The streets are crowded yet, I am alone. You walk by my side dear friend, and yet, I feel deserted. All these sounds making a cacophony and yet there is a deadly silence that pierces my ears. Please leave me, my dear! Leave me to my solitude, as I wish to endure this pain, the pain… of losing a beloved for an eternity.

WeIRd-nEss ATtaCK

I am NOT SAD!!! By now, I've got weary of telling myself so. But this IS a fact! Currently, there are NO WOES chasing me. Alhumdolillah. However, I am NOT feeling very (or even a little) delightful. I am feeling very low. Feeling, as such, is not new to me in fact, it is very typical. But, there are always reaons (nevermind the lameness) behind me acting in a particular manner. And right now, I am feeling absolutely....... off the wall... outlandish... for reasons, unknown. *sighs*

Despair

Tu Meri Qaid Mein Youn Bhi Nahin Hai,

Agar Hota Tou Kya Azad Karta.......??

When I am dead, my dearest..

Death isn't a good enough distraction.

Someone died. I did not. Nevertheless, I will too. But something struck me hard a few weeks back. I saw people unaffected by as eternal a loss as a death of a beloved. Not all, but some. Our lives are too beautiful, MashAllah but is death so trivial a matter to have had enough strength to have disrupted our lives for even a little a while? It scares me. Death will, one day, conquer my life too. Will I be forgotten too? So soon?

We are so deeply immersed in the mundane affairs of this life that even death fails to digress our attention. We are busy walking on our own self-centered paths without even halting for a moment to look ahead and see where it actually leads to. We want to walk. We are not concerned whither to the roads lead. Death often stands by the pavements and watches us pass by looking all blithe and unconcerned. It stands there everyday, looks at us and curls its toes. Nothing more than a bystander, is it? It feels neglected. Just like a plagued part of our lives that we have very apathetically amputated and thrown away. But the question is, can it really be amputated? And if it can be, then do we think throwing it away is enough? Do we think it cannot grow back?

It can and it does.

Death is the most concrete reality of life. If you are ALIVE, you WILL be DEAD. Sooner or later.

When I am dead, my dearest,

Sing no sad songs for me;

Plant thou no roses at my head,

Nor shady cypress tree:

Be the green grass above me

With showers and dewdrops wet;

And if thou wilt, remember,

And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,

I shall not feel the rain;

I shall not hear the nightingale

Sing on, as if in pain:

And dreaming through the twilight

That doth not rise nor set,

Haply I may remember,

And haply may forget.

--Christina Rossetti

A Little Unwell, A Little Impaired..

But I'm Not Crazy I'm Just A Little Unwell
I Know Right Know You Can't Tell
But Stay Awhile And Maybe Then You'll See
A Different Side Of Me
I'm Not Crazy I'm Just A Little Impaired
I Know Right Now You Don't Care
But Soon Enough You're Gonna Think Of Me
And How I Used To Be... Me

It's awkward how my expectations cling to me so strongly. It's as if they are glued to me with some sort of Super Glue. If I try real hard to scratch them off,  it would peel my skin off with it and I am assuming that would be ruthlessly agonizing. This is crazy. But I am not!! My brain is merely suffering from some kind of chemical imbalance (Sidra can enlighten me on this possibilty) :)

Anyways, this song brings back sweet old memories. The last time I listened to it was when it was released. I've hummed it often but never got to listen to it again. However, I'm listening to it right now- that makes around after 8 long years. Sighs. When I heard it for the first time I thought, "Wow! This is me!!"  I listen to it now and I think, "This is still me!!" 

I haven't deviated much, have I?

Umm... Not Sad, nope!

I am NOT SAD. I only wish I knew how my life manages to change gears in mere split seconds. One nanosecond I am ecstatic and terribly bewildered, the next. Some days Everyday(unhappy or not) I wish I could pack my expectations in a barrel and fill the barrel with hefty amounts of Francium (which, I just googled out, is the most explosive element in the periodic table)  and throw it in a sea. Now, you might wonder why on earth am I wishing to use an extremely rare explosive element and not flaming it. That is because Francium reacts with water!! Duh!! =P  If not that, I wish I could throw a bag with my expectations in it in a crater of a highly active volcano and watchand scoff as the lava devours my expectations. If not even that, I wish I could fling my expectations in a crazy tornado which rips them apart ruthlessly. Or may be if I could abandon them in a scorching desert and let the sands swallow them slowly but surely.

I am NOT SAD; this is anguish only. I have a beautiful life, Alhumdolillah, for which  I can never thank enough. I just want to escape from my expectations. I wish  could have sealed them in an envelope and posted it to Never Lands. Not the Never Land that Peter Pan grew up  (Oops I forgot people did not "grow up" there) lived. But the Never Land from which nothing ever returns. I often entice myself to believe that I should not expect more from people, whatever love/care is being showered upon me by them is momentary; it will soon cease to be. I try uber hard to beguile my heart and soul and occassionally, I succeed- or I assume I do. I often drown these absurd expectations in deep waters. I stand over and watch them while they drown, air bubbles pop on the surface of those dark waters and suddenly they stop. A smirk runs across my lips as I assure myself of there demise. But suddenly a bubble pops up and proclaims my defeat; the smirk vanishes and a void adorns my eyes.

I am NOT SAD, really. I just wish not to expect anything from anyone but, wishes are wild horses, aren't they? If not that, then atleast I should let others know what I expect off them. I cannot even do that, can I?

Anyways, I am NOT SAD.

[Or may be I'm M.I.D = Majorly In Denial (as Monique puts it in Kim Possible) =) ]

Yet another blessing to be indebted for...

HAPPY!!!!!!!!

=D

I cannot believe I passed those sucky papers.

To Audit and Financial Management: "Good bye!! It was nice knowing you, NOT!! Hope to see you again, NEVER!!"

Hahahahhahahahah!!!

Thank you ALLAH Ta'lah!!!!! Alhumdolillah!! I LOVE YOU!!!! And I am sorry that I never thank YOU enough for all the blessings that you've bestowed upon me!!

And the matter of fact is....

O.K.A.Y. I really don't have time for this (blog) right now =$..... Even though I've missed blogging as I've been a little detached. There is just so much that I've to catch up with... It's been days since I visited Sidra's blog, although I did manage to post her a belated B'day wish. My dashboard screams at me for my oblivion. There is just so much stuff that has happened, and some that has not but should have, that needs to be rattled on. But not now....! Now is not the time!

Right now... I am scared.

Yes, that is it.

That is the matter of fact: I AM SCARED.

Just a few more hours.... And all these shades of grey will turn either black or white. I do not which of the two colors should I wish for but I wish for the one that makes me happy. InshAllah.

Fasten my seat belts, thank you!

Whenever I take off, it ends in a crash landing everytime. The casualties are mild at sometimes while serious at others, depending upon a few of determinants: a)The altitude b) Safety gear (if any), et cetera.  And each and everytime I hit the ground, I tell myself:  "Hmph! I am so NOT going to take off again."

I am fluttering my wings again.... *sighs* Let's see how long can I stay airborne this time and when I won't me able to hold anymore, I will try to abstain from crash landings this time and may be pull off a decent touch down trick.   =)

Fatality

Death is the most concrete verity of this God-forsaken universe and yet, we fancy everything but this. Ironic.

Priority lists, random anguish, et cetera.

You know there are times when you feel so unimportant- ranking last in the priority list of those who rank first in yours. And then sometimes, you try, in vain, to exert your importance on them by trying to ignore them; and I must say, this endeavour, other than being tremendously excruciating, is awfully fruitless. The reason being the fact that those people were not paying enough attention to you in the first place, to have noticed your new stance.

I don't know. How can we so easily let others trample our self-respect. We need to learn- to learn to separate our emotions and our self-esteem and we also need to assign them they appropriate status. And most of all, something we should never forget, we should always try our best not to relinquish our esteem for our emotions even if it demands fighting one's own self, because this is something worth fighting for.

We should just stop bothering our heads off for people who do not care for us- at all. Whereas, I also need to stop addressing my issues with a "we" instead of an "I".

Meri Zaat Zara e BeNishaan

So, yesterday I was watching a drama serial "Meri Zaat Zara e BeNishaan". I am not interested in narrating what has happened until this date... The only thing that I am interested in mentioning is what agony it impregnated me with yesterday.

Mein woh kis tarha se karon bayan
Jo kiye gaye  hain sitam yahan
Sunay kon meri yeh dastaan
Koi humnasheen na koi razdaan

Saba had been accused of infidelity by her own mother-in-law cum. aunt. She was to be cast out of the house and the  family. She tried proving her innocence- in vain. Her own husband's heart was becoming dusty with doubt. (I often wonder is it love that is omnipotent or does suspicion has a power to overthrow it.) She still had an unreasonable faith on Arfeen (her husband). She was delusional.  Her aunt pledged upon the Quran that her accusation was true. Then came her turn and when she was asked to take an oath.... She refused. There was a disbelief in all eyes, especially her aunt's. I wonder why the disbelief, they had already pronounced her an infidel. Arfeen divorced Saba right away.

Jo tha jhoot woh bana sach yahan
Nahi kholi meiney magar zuban
Yeh akelapun, Yeh udasiyan
Meri zindagi ki hain tarjuman

For a few moments, my mind was stark blank. I could not reason why did she refuse. Her refusal proved her guilty out-rightly. But then it dawned upon me. She was defeated by her own love, her own hopes and her inept faith.She watched as her world fell apart as easily as a castle made out of playing cards. Her refusal to vow, her voluntary surrender reminded me of a poem I had scribbled in my early teens.

Defeat Whispers...
Sometimes, at some places
You lose everything you ever had
You feel as if all efforts were worthless
As if all you ever believed was merely a hoax
And all you thought to real was an illusion
You feel as if you've lost the battle
Lost it, before it even began
Yes, sometimes
Everything ends before it can begin
Sometimes,
Defeat comes closer to you,
Holds you, Embraces you
And gently whispers in your ears,"I'm yours... You, belong to me"
And then, you silently retreat
Return, like a warrior
Who failed himself
Without being able to try
Who lost all he ever had.
Yes, everything...

The disbelief in her eyes does not escape my mind. She had such a formidable faith in Arfeen. He was her entire world. And her entire world came crumbling down right in front of her eyes, by sole courtesy of Arfeen Abbas. Ironic, isn't it?

Mein bataon kya mujhe kya milay
Mujhe sabr he ka sila milay
Kisi yaad he ki rida miley
Kisi dard he ka sila milay
Kisi gham ki dil mein jaga milay
Jo mera hai woh mujhe aa milay

People should never vest their hopes in people. But it's funny, how frequently we DO things that we should NEVER. And when it hurts, no one is to be blamed but our own pathetic selves. Others do not wrong us, it is we, who wronged ourselves in the first place.

Absconder

As the darkness prevails

And,

The dim moonlight embraces the water

I see some shadows lurking around

Chasing me and haunting me

Like ghosts of a dark past

I find no place to hide

So,

I wonder how long am I going to last….

Stream of conciousness

I am wondering... how can I manage to be so serious at a moment and awfully droll the next?? Happy at one instant and then so dreary immediately after that? All-so-wise at a moment and so absurd the next? SO angry at a moment and bursting out in laughter just an instant later? By the way, the last scenario, only my pa jani can execute flawlessly. *I'm missing him* Yeah, so I was saying what stark difference I manage to strike in my attitude just within a shift of a few moments. Just compare the last two posts. They are- black and white. It's crazy! Am I crazy? No, I am not! You are crazy! Crazy! By the way, I don't write stories; because I CANNOT. Stories are not my thing, I can rant and ramble through my writing and may be manage to pull off a prose or a free-versed poem (if only there exists such a form). I do good with stream of consciousness writing although, when I first heard the term in my General class from Mrs. Khan back in A-levels, it sounded so intricate. Little did I know then that it quiet resembles my blathering on paper. Yeah, so stories are not my thing; they need coherence and I'm so sorry to report that I have none, not even tinsy winsy. But, I managed to pull it off, the resonance, it's not very wonderful but it's simple and I kind of like it *blushes* By the way it's not finished (or it might be, don't know). It's sweeeet, how this post has no paragraphs. *smiles*

Okay, I'll start a new paragraph (coz' you are insisting so much). Had I written such a long paragraph back in English General, Mrs. Khan would have deep fried me. By the way, the above one is exceptionally crazy, but I did have tendencies to write lengthy paragraphs. =) And actually, I used to write exceedingly long sentences hence, the lengthy paragraphs. Anyways, so I woke up extra early today because Saeed bhai (our driver) did not turn up and so my sister asked me to drop her off at her school. Yupe, I drive and I drive well. My big B says I drive fast. Well, technically, he meant faster than beginners should drive but I'm sure he agrees I'm sprinting on my way to become a fine driver. After all, my Chachu taught me how to drive and he is one crazy but swift driver. Yeah, so anyways. I think I should wake up earlier than i usually do because it makes me so cheery. =)

Stupidopidopidity

I feel..... *oh I feel! Not so numb anymore, are we?*... silly. Err.. not sure if silly describes it best. I also feel tiny. Microscopic, to be precise. *Hellow!!? Can you see me? I'm here... HERE!!  Watch out man!! you could've  stepped on me, idiots!! huh!*

Nah... not really... I'm fancying again.... I guess *scratches head*

Resonance...

She gazed abstractedly at the first winter rain pouring outside. She watched as the raindrops collided with the window pane and died the next moment. They just don’t know when to stop trying, do they? The room was warm but just when as touched the glass pane, all the warmth vanished. The chills traveled from her palm to every single vein in her body. A flat smile ran across her lips. You cannot soak the fire inside me, can you? She leant her face against the cold glass. An equally cold sigh escaped her crimson lips.

Blankly staring at the reflection in the window, she saw a silhouette nearing her. His shoulders brushed hers for a quarter of a second. He leant his shoulder against the wall. Her pupils did not react to the commotion around her. 

  

He looked outside for a moment then turned his gaze to her face again. Her eyes, he loved them. But he noticed something extra-ordinary in them; he couldn’t say what but something… 

  

“Beautiful…” 

He pronounced while fixing his stare at her eyes. 

“Yeah…” 

She replied faintly without interrupting her gaze. 

A smile ran across his lips at her ignorance. 

“I love you.” 

Something pierced her ears and froze her. 

She didn’t want to look in his eyes; afraid he might notice the flames burning inside her. 

A weary sigh released from her lips, she realized she had forgotten to inhale. 

“I love you.” 

He whispered yet again. 

Still as a stone, she did not react to any stimuli as if her sensory receptors had refused to work. 

  

He took her hands in his; they were as cold as ice. Overcoming his instinctive reflex, he brought her hands to his lips and kissed, not just out of love but out of esteem. 

  

A drop of water trickled down the glacier.

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

J'adore

Dear Federer,

Ohhh..... I'm falling in love again!!! =)

I love you when you get all pink-eyed and teary..... =D Even when you win.

 

Dreamy...

Suave....

Awfully classy....!!! *J'adore*

 

You have you own air, you know.....

BTW, I know you're taken.... =P that's sad nevertheless, I'm happy for you as you two make a cute couple.... And you just had a daughter who's a few months old or so, right... Haven't seen her but I'm sure she's as adorable as you two are =)

And again....... I'm loosing my grip on words =)

I am thinking of flooding this post with your photos but.... I think I'll stop here...

Love,

Ann.

I'm Sorry...

Ambivalence has become a lasting emotion. I'm afraid it has become a part of me and it will stick around for..... ever, I suppose. 

I'm sorry.... I really am.

Stupidity is infinte, Einstein was right =)

I wish I could have believed how lame what we did today was but I'm afraid, it's too hilarious for me to believe. To be precise- *which I'm afraid, again, I cannot be- so why try?!* Anyways, so I'll be giving a detailed narration of what happened today. =)

I and My friend, whom I shall call A, had our Corporate Reporting i.e. P2 class today. We have it on every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. It's been only a couple of weeks since our classes started and I forgot to attend my class last Friday so, it was technically my first-friday class. Anyways, so I got to my class and chose a seat that was not at the corner though but somewhere near it. A while later, A showed up too and sat beside me. Soon our teacher, Mr. K, entered the class and as soon as he did, he referred to the question that was done in the last class.

I and A were a little bewildered because we did not really recall anything even having a minute resemblance with what he was speaking of. We passed weird looks to each other, wondering if we had missed a class but I was pretty sure we hadn't. What was more puzzling was the fact that as far as I remembered we were doing the topic Leasing however, what Mr. K was discussing was Construction Contracts. =S I should also tell you that we do not have any friends or even acquaintances in the P2 class. However, I looked around and realised that all the faces I could see seemed very new (I do have a terrible memory, but I was sure it wasn't all that bad now). Another thing I realised was that the class was exceptionally noisy today.

Pretty puzzled, I asked A to ask the girl sitting next to her about the class schedule. A told me that that girl said that the classes were on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. I doubted that girl's sanity and so I asked the same question from the person sitting next to me; and to my horror she replied that the last class was yesterday. I gave a dreaded look to A, she returned me the same. I had a hunch that something had gone stupidly wrong. All of a sudden, A blurted out something that made me wish I could have banged my head with the wall (or my desk, as it was reachable). She said to me, "Ann, I am afraid this isn't P2.... It's F7 i.e. Financial Reporting." And, everything started making sense. The noisy class, the new faces, the Construction Contracts instead of Leasing.... Everything made sense.

Realising the stupidity of the situation, it was very hard for me to stop myself from bursting out in laughter. But, in no way, I could have afforded that. I immediately took out the sad little piece of paper from my wallet on which i had scribbled my class timings. And it said, *P2- Fridays- 1100 till 1245*, while what the clock showed then was 0930. I so direly wanted to kill myself for such absurd negligence.

So, then what we were thinking of was a plan to escape from the class without becoming a laughing stock in front of strangers. Adding to our distress was the fact that the class room was quiet packed and we absolutely could not have left the class without drawing everybody's attention. It was so hard to stay in the room studying what you have already studied and passed it. Our giggles were becoming more and more uncontrollable. How much we wished our teacher would've left the class for a few minutes that would have allowed us to run away.

However, 30 or so minutes passed adding to our anxiety. Then, our teacher gave us some hand-outs to solve and to our surprise, left the room for some reason. We were overwhelmed at the opportunity provided to us. However, we were a little scared on the prospect that he might just be standing outside. We thoroughly started thinking about what will we be saying to him if he caught us. Time was running out of our hands and he might have come back any moment. I don't know how, but somehow, we recollected ourselves, got up from our seats and ignoring the weird looks from the rest of the class, ran away pierecing the crowded row. Thank God, Mr. K was no where found and without wasting any more time we sprinted out and got to our cars. It was so hard not to laugh then, both of us madly laughed at our outright lameness and of what Mr. K and the rest of the class would say on seeing two empty seats which were not so empty just a while ago.

One more thing, we made sure not to attend our actual class scheduled at 1100, because we were pretty sure Mr. K would have easily spotted the runaways.

This can surely be counted as another entry in my Lameness List. ;)

P.S. Hey there Sarah! Thanks for visiting; adored your photo blog. Wonder why you stopped posting?!! =)

بک رہا ہوں جنوں میں کیا کیا کچھ
کچھ نہ سمجھے خدا کرے کوئ

-غالب

What Goes Around, Comes Around...

Trust me on this. Take my word for it, if you want to. To me, this is a certain been-there-done-that situation.

There were times when I chased my shadow endlessly. One step I took towards it, one step it moved away from me. The distance seemed forever-lasting. My unconditional love (read foolishness) coaxed me to move towards it without even realising, or rather deliberately neglecting the fact that I was chasing ghosts. Whereas, its arrogance and ignorance drew it away from me, farther and farther away.

It hurt. It often felt as if someone had clenched my heart brutally; as if not just my body, but my soul too was being pierced mercilessly. Time passed, I suffered. Time passed further and I grew cold. I became frost-bitten and I gave in. Drenched in the blood dripping from my wounded soul and with no more room left to take any further blows, I resigned. I walked away... from my own ruthless shadow.

Carrying the wreckage of my soul on my frail shoulders, I tried sewing my own wounds. It was painful- agonizing, but it came off. What happened next, my bloodied sight could not believe. The farther away I dragged myself from my shadow, the closer it drew itself towards me.

My wounds are still fresh. However, I have started healing. What I had lost once, I got it back. With a smirk on my face, I walk... with my back towards my shadow.

What goes around, comes all the way back around. I wonder... if this is what they call it?

Note: I had started this as an interpretation of imam Ali's(AS) quote about dunya(world) and linking it with myself, which says, "This world is like a shadow, if you chase it, it runs away from you but once you turn away from it, it follows." However, my mood changed half way across and I ended up somewhere betwen real life and fiction.

Separated from my companion of dark times ( read, when the power went out). My notebook. I feel deprived. *sighs*

P.S. Hello there, Eraj! Thank you for popping in and following =)

Seven Eight... I Need a Template

Huh... These templates are confusing me now.

I apologize to visitors who may find such frequent changes irritating, although I doubt if there, actually, are any frequent visitors. However, I will get over with this metamorphism thingy soon enough =P Oh! That reminds me that Sidra started following my blog. My first follower! So, a li'l shout out to her (Hi Sidra!!).  :)

A Random Thought/Desire.

*Sigh*

I want to have a kitten.

Why won't anybody let me have it?

There is just no hope that I might just be allowed to do so anywhere in the near future. My Ami has threatened to move the cat, along with myself, outside the house if I dare do something like that.

*Hmph*

Literature => Life

I read somewhere that the best way of getting over a woman/man is to turn them into literature.

I agree.

But, I just don't limit it to women and men rather I'd like to believe that "to turn LIFE into literature is the best way to get over it."

Precisely, what I've been trying to do long since.

Aadat Hee Bana Lee Hai

Aadat hee banaa lee hay is sheher k logon nay..
Andaaz badal laina..
Aawaaz badal laina..
Dunya ki mohabbat may..
Atwaar badal laina..
Mausam jo naya aaey..
Raftaar badal laina..
Ehbaab badal laina..
Aadat hee bana lee hay is sheher k logon nay..
Rastay may ager milna..
Nazro'n ko jhhuka laina..
Aawaaz ager do to..
Katraa k nikal jaana..
Her ik say judaa rehna..
Her ik say khafaa rehna..
Her ik ka gila kerna..
Jaatay huey raahi ko..
Manzil ka pata day ker..
Rastay may rulaa daina..
Aadat hee bana lee hay...!!

So.. May be yes.

So.. May be yes.

Yes, perhaps, you have changed- in a very subtle way. You have changed in such an elusive way that you, yourself failed to notice the alterations.

You thought you will stay the same, no matter what. But, you were delusional. It was all a figment of your imagination. And now, that you realise that you are no more the same you wonder, whose fault is it?

They killed you, the real you, brutally. And yet, here you are. But something has changed. Something is not the same.
 
You were once accused of being too sensitive and now see, see what they have done to you. You have become numb.

You look in the mirror. You see your reflection. You wonder, who is it? You draw closer to your reflection. You gaze into your eyes and catch glimpses of apathy. It is you. Yes, it is you.

So yes, may be yes. You have adapted to the indifference surrounding you.

You have become...

Numb. Cold. Bloodless. Blind.

I need a life!

Help me, if you know where can I get one?

Scars

Some times are such, that leave a scar on you for you to remember them always. Just so you never-ever-ever forget them, no matter how much you try.

Some of them scar your body, while others go deeper than that, leaving you with a scarred soul.

Scars... to lament upon.

Apathy....?

This is just outrageous! I'm sure they couldn't have acted any more irresponsibly. Do doctors have this thing called conscience? Are all doctors so pathetically insensitive?

I am talking about this news I saw a little while ago. A little boy had to have one of his arm operated because of some fracture or something and those stupid doctors operated on the other arm instead. I mean, GOD!!!!!!!! What on earth were they thinking?!

I feel like shooting them in their heads. How many cases have we seen being flashed on news channels about such dreadful negligence on part of the doctors. Oh! And yes, as a cherry on top of a cake, the guy who was being talked to about this mishap said: "jee thori negligence tu hoi hai doctors se...". "Thori(Some) Negligence" ?? God damn you. How on earth did he have the audacity to refer to it as some negligence.

Where has the humanity inside us all gone? Have we lost it after all? Uff!! I am feeling furious and sad at the same time. That li'l boy was so cute, so naive and the way he was batting his eye lashes.... adorable.

Though this was just an arm surgery and Allah ka shuker that little kid was fine but, how many patients have died only and only due to the doctors' negligences. How do these people even sleep at night? Don't their deeds haunt them?

*sigh*

Words Slash Butterflies.

My words are running away from me. It is not an ideal thing, is it? It is not. Wait... ideal, did i say? Just for the sake of reminding myself- ideals do NOT exist hence, the name IDEAL.

Anyway, I was referring to the fact that oddly enough, I am finding myself incapable of adorning my feelings with words. When, in fact, these days there is just so much going on in my life that life, all of a sudden, seems to me as a synonym for a roller coaster ride. Yet, when I decide of putting down words, they start running away from me like crazy.

I am finding it hard to write. Right now, finding words feels like catching butterflies with a net that has been knit a little too loosely. The butterflies or words, which ever you like, just manage to escape from this mesh.

There is just so much that I want to say and yet, I feel like I have a block in my head that's keeping my thoughts from becoming words.

Actually, I might just be realizing what's happening with me. Ever seen/ heard/ imagined what would happen if too much stuff is being shoved down a narrow pipe? Right on, it would clog up. That is, what I think is happening with me right now. There are just too much thoughts that are rushing to become words and as a result, clogging up my mind. So, no coherent text comes about.

The funny things is, when I look up I smile because I see I have managed to write quite a bit. However, none of it qualifies for what I intended to write about.

Ironic, isn't it?

1:22 AM

I need to find a display picture for myself.... and i would also really like to hummm right now... not a very good idea, i must admit though. Weird whims.

I SHOULD go to sleep now... there's just so much to do tomorrow or... today, as a matter of fact. :S

My Blog.

Yeaye!! So, i guess this is it. I finally created another blog for myself. :)

Have been wanting to do so since SO long. I did, although, have my blog on Live Spaces but it was sort of very private. It was written and read by just me. You see, how private that was.

Nevertheless, better late than never. Right.

Happy to make my words a li'l more more public.