The dilemma I've fallen into...

Happiness rips me off my creativity, or so I feel. In my case, they are two mutually exclusive events. I feel sad without happiness (obviously) and lost with creativity. In both the cases, I am at loss.

I have not written anything that is nice enough, lately. I have not written at all. It is not just the writer's block. Because, I am not having trouble dressing my thoughts with words but, I have no thoughts to begin with. It is as if my mind is empty. I am not thinking anything. No reflections. No introspect.

This is not me.  I am not liking this.

Am I saying I do not like being happy?

Sighs. I do not know. It is complicated. I just do not feel like my usual self. I feel over-dosed with happiness and everything else has crept away to the background. It is as if I no more have time to 'think', in my usual mellow manner. It is either I feel too happy to bother about other things, or I am too busy.

I am becoming like them, aren't I? Laugh. Love. Eat. Sleep. That is all. Tsk. No, this is not all. At least, it 'was' not before.  My days had more to them that these mundanities. My nights were calmer, anguished sometimes, but calmer. Good or bad, I know not. But, they were more profound than now.

I feel so unreal. So mundane. Just like everybody else. Just like them. I have not cried in front of Him since weeks. Do I think my sins have been effaced? Do I think I have no reason to cry any more? Do I think I have been forgiven? Because everything is so perfect?

I am afraid. I am afraid of everything being just the way I want it to be. I am not thanking Him enough. And, these might as well be tests for me from Him. I am afraid, I will fail.

I am afraid of being happy. Because, I know. I know no happiness is everlasting. Happiness slurs over time and something else takes its place. That something frightens me. Happiness and sorrows play in a random loop. It is cyclical. One is as inevitable as the other. You cannot escape either of them. I realise.

But such outward feeling of glee, is not what I am looking for. I do not mind being happy, I just... do not want it to be so very sophisticated. I merely want my profundity back.

P.S. Who ever would have thought being happy could be such predicament...?