But, I certainly am.
Sighs.
Exams are around the corner and I'm not interested in studying. Despite this being my qualifying attempt, I've no motivation. No. Nada. I'm not really working hard. But then on a second thought, I never have. Nevertheless, I do at least try to put in some effort usually. However, I don't know what's wrong with me this time. I feel so disoriented. A little listless.
I've had a change of heart with regards to a lot of things. I really do mean A LOT, when I say a lot. I'm not the same person I was last year, and it's kind of irritating because I've never really been good with such radical changes.
But things change, right. Change is what connotes life, doesn't it. All of us have changed in some way or other. Let's see some illustrations: *smiles*
♠ Ally- she's farther away now then she used to be, physically and virtually as well.
♠ Sid- has plunged deeper into her lake of distress. No more happy posts from her anymore.
♠ B- is.... oh well, B has managed to remain B, I shall surmise. *smiles* He never used to blog often and, that hasn't changed much (so okay, I don't see how he has evolved- so let's just assume he hasn't!)
♠ Majworld- he's maturing at a rate faster than fast. His posts have changed from happy-go-lucky-everyday-stuff to deeper things. It sometimes makes me laugh at how closely and scrutinizingly he has started looking at things. Yes, I'm sorry majworld, but it makes me laugh. :P
So yes, we evolve with time, don't we? No surprise, if I did too, right? But... it isn't exactly what I could've ever imagined. I don't know at what point did I let go off myself, but I did. I was supposed to let go off other things but somehow I guess I let go off my own self.
Honestly, and I don't care how cliched this sounds but, the ironic truth is that as soon as I changed.... my world turned to a perfect mirror image of my hopes and wishes. Only... it was too late. I somehow didn't want it anymore. So, it kind of doesn't matter now. *smirk* Everything around me started falling right in its place; just that... I wasn't standing exactly where I used to before. And not to mention, my cynicism has escalated drastically. (Will write on it specifically, later sometimes).
Have I ever told you, that I don't have dreams? Dreams as in, like how people want to own a yacht (that's Gopher's dream, lol) or something else; or achieve something in life; et cetera. Yea, that sort of dreams. I can't think of any. I don't know if it's sad or what. I'm just not interested enough, so to speak.
I was always dull and boring and, I still am. However, the only thing that's different now I guess is an added tinge of apathy and agitation.
And let me confess the most deplorable part of my (uncalled for) evolution- I have lost my connection with Him. I was a sinner, as far back as I can see myself. Never a saint, or even close. One of His worst creatures, I feel sad to admit. But there was still a connection. I feel disconnected now. My soul feels disconnected.
I want to revert back to Him. I want it so bad. I want it so bad!
So yeah, anyways. I'm going to go away now (well, I'm gonna try to), until my exams are over, and that'll be 10th June. I don't really think I'll be totally away though, because ever since the exam fever has started, loitering on blogspot seems to be the nicest thing to do. Han na, I want to do everything that doesn't spell 'S-T-U-D-Y'. Thank Lord, I've temporarily discontinued playing Crysis2. Will resume after exams though. But, I'm just concerned that Gopher would have completed it by then. *frowns* I hope not. *fingers crossed*
By the way, S made me listen to another silly song, (no, don't worry I'm not going to keep it a secret to stir curiosity this time) it's akon's chammak challo. God! What's up with songs these days? It's funny though, just the chammak challo part. It's funny because I made an inside joke out of it. But on a serious note, we need song writers, decent song writers, that is. Nevertheless, the previous song from dehli belly makes me go hahaha really! When I made my ami jani listen to it, she gave me a disgusted look as the song began. 'Aray yaaar *shakes head* isko music ki tarah mat lain iss ko mazah ke tanazur se dekhain', I protested (lol, no I didn't use either of the words mazah or tanazur. I couldn't have anyways, coz' I speak sindhi, remember silly!) *smiles* So, yes she laughed a little while listening, which means she thought it was funny too!
Okie, I shall leave you now. You may let out a deep sigh of relieve. I know you want to. *smiles*
Image courtesy: weheartit
6 comments:
Exam time is no fun at all. :(
And where on earth did Sid disappear to? I can't even find her blog. D:
It feels nice to be mentioned in someone's blog. Thank you for that. :)
We all go through some sort of evolution in this time of life-late teens and early 20s. Only a few admit the change, and even fewer write about it.
I have changed as well. The fact that I have a BLOG now is one proof. And you can read between the lines now. :)
change is indeed the only constant..nd in recent times, the only change i see thru ur posts is that reserved sophisticated attitude of urs which ws more dominant part is fading away..nd now u enjoying things i guess..so may b change is gud bt bit new to u..nd this agitation is pleasant..apathy has always been there, so keep it going :)
gudluck for papers..nd i hve always been mature nd looked things deeply bt i love the kid inside me 2..:p.
@ Anuradha: Eh, Tell me about it. =( And yeah Sid's been a little off the grid lately. But hey, why can't you find her blog? =s
@ B: Yes, it does feel quite nice. =) Hmm... I think I just did read between the lines. Oh, and I don't care if I was a little dyslexic (or not) while reading, lol.
@ majworld: 'change is the only constatnt', you say that a lot don't you? You should make it your tagline or sth. =)
Did you just say 'agitation is pleasant'? And how?! =O Other than that, you're right to some extent... I prefer my old attitude though. Nevertheless, it hasn't disappeared entirely. It's still there (well, MOST of the time), but sometimes it isn't. And, I've issues with that! Anyhow, thank you for the luck.
haha..ya, i use it often coz we experience fluctuations nd changes quite often in this fast era :)
nd i ws referring to those agitations u mentioned in 2 posts back..those were nt frustrations bt pleasant agitations..nd ya, the gud part abt the old attitude is that its nt artificial for the sake of attitude..its sort of natural indifference..gud to keep it in small proportion 2..so lets c how changes effect u in coming times :p.
oohh those agitations... Oh that tou is a day's work for me :) Hmmm.
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